However, the coolness of their genitalia is brought down a notch when you find out why they are so oddly designed: the female duck's labyrinthine vagina is intended to help her escape potential rapists, and ensure that she is only impregnated by a suitor of her choosing. • Looking for the perfect gift for your multi-tasking boyfriend? Get him this two-in-one beard trimmer and cellphone! This is where I should make a joke about wanting a RAZR, but it's too easy. • Germany has refused, yet again, to return the bust of Nefertiti to Egypt. Officials claim the bust is too fragile to be moved. • A 54-year-old woman from Minnesota may be facing assault charges after she grabbed a man by his genitals hard enough to cause him to require stitches. She claims he cut himself, but he told police quite a different story. • A zoo in Illinois has raised over $20,000 by selling necklaces and ornaments made from reindeer poop. The droppings are dime-sized, dehydrated, sterilized, and covered in glitter. • Australian moms are paying up to $1000 a liter for black market breast milk. Lack of guidelines makes it difficult to regulate the breast milk trade, which has lead many mothers to pay exorbitant prices. Lactation experts are calling for national guidelines for the sale of breast milk, which would hopefully classify the liquid as a food product. •  According to Myanmar news sources, the Burmese Supreme Court has agreed to hear pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi's appeal. The court had previously turned down several requests, but some hope that this may be a sign the junta is relaxing their grip on Suu Kyi, and may even allow her to go free in time for next year's promised elections. • 300 French high school students showed up for class wearing short skirts or Bermuda shorts as part of a protest against the recently tightened dress codes. Léa Dedieu, the 17-year-old who organized the protest, said she wanted to make a philosophical point about freedom, and it wasn't intended "to draw attention to ourselves." • Every year Cadbury makes a special batch of dark chocolate exclusively for the royal family. "We've been providing chocolates to the royal family since Victorian times, but I cannot discuss the recipe," revealed a spokesperson for the company. • An Ohio mom called the cops on her own 6-year-old daughter after she found out that she had shoplifted a $3.11 package of stickers. Police picked up the girl and took her down to the station, but she was not arrested. Diane Lyons said she wanted to teach her child an early lesson about right and wrong. "I don't think I went too far," she said. •

•  A 35-year-old woman from Japan is believed to have drugged and murdered five men over the past few years. Police believe that she was deeply in debt, which may have been the motivation behind the killings. •  A study from Indiana University has found that using lube makes sex better for women (well, duh). Both water and silicone-based lubricants were found to reduce the risk of vaginal tearing and genital pain. •  Stroller manufacturer Maclaren has announced a recall of one million strollers - all strollers sold since 1999 - after twelve children had to have fingers amputated from being caught in the hinges. •  Canadian researchers report that women with "denser" breasts are at a higher risk of seeing breast cancer return. They examined over 300 breast cancer patients, and organized them into low density, intermediate, and high. The women with high density breasts were much more likely to have cancer return within five years. •  Women taking medication for depression are more likely to give birth prematurely, according to a recent study. Another finding showed that without medication use, women who displayed elevated symptoms of depression during pregnancy were no more likely to give birth preterm than their healthy peers. • On Saturday, hundreds of women in South Africa donned their bikinis and paraded through the streets of Johannesburg. The day-long event raised money for breast cancer research while breaking the world record for largest bikini parade. • Over the past five years, UK-based charity Childline has seen a significant rise (132% since 2004) in the number of calls received regarding sexual abuse by women. However, they do not believe that more women becoming abusers, but rather that more boys have tended to call the helpline. "Many would find it shocking that any woman - let alone a mother - can sexually assault a child. But they do," said Sue Minto, head of Childline. •  Sad news: The natural birth center at NYC's Bellevue Hospital has closed. The birth center was one of the only of its kind to cater to mostly poor, immigrant women on Medicaid, but it was apparently shut down in September due to budget constraints. •  Relatives of Janice Webb, a Cleveland woman who has been missing since June, say that they have not given up hope that Webb is alive, despite fears that she may be among Anthony Sowell's unidentified victims. •  On Sunday dozens of Muslim women gathered in Fremont, California to discuss hijabs. Many of them report facing hostility and prejudice: "There's a lot of covert discrimination out there," said one of the organizers. •  A senior Burmese diplomat has announced the possible release of pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi. Suu Kyi has been under house arrest for the majority of the past two decades, but her supporters at home and abroad hope that she will be free in time for next year's election. • Research on rabbit penises indicates that artificial penis tissue could one day be grown to help men with diseased or damaged penises, or simply those who want bigger dicks. Reassuringly, a writeup of the study notes that "if the scientists do try and help people with this research, naturally they will not use rabbit cells with men." •  The pro-rape Facebook group organized by the University of Sydney's St. Paul's college is apparently not an aberration: one student wrote to the Sydney Morning Herald that ''St Paul's boys are notorious for their sexist behaviour, referring to women as 'holes' and some of the co-ed colleges have 'don't speak to women days.'' • Scott Roeder has confessed to the murder of abortion provider Dr. George Tiller, and plans to use a "necessity defense," arguing that the murder was "justified to protect the lives of unborn children." • A 23-year-old Kansas City man has been arrested for marrying a 14-year-old girl in a Muslim ceremony — under Missouri state law, he would have needed a judge's order to do so. • Members from the Westboro Baptist Church have been protesting outside the Sidwell Friends School, where Sasha and Malia Obama are enrolled as students. Protesters carried signs with anti-gay, anti-abortion, and anti-Obama slogans. • 

[Sydney, October 27. Image via Getty]

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - OCTOBER 27: Australian women, including the Prime Minster's wife Therese Rein and Leader of the Opposition's wife Lucy Turnbull gather to show support for the freedom of Burmese democracy figure Aung San Suu Kyi at the Sydney Opera House forecourt on October 27, 2009 in Sydney, Australia. Suu Kyi was elected Prime Minister of Myanmar,, as leader of the winning National League for Democracy party, in the 1990 elections, but was subsequently detented by the military junta, preventing her from assuming office. She has been under house arrest for 14 of the past 20 years, with the latest period being since 11 August 2009 for a further 18 months. (Photo by Brendon Thorne/Getty Images)

Suu Kyi, 64, has been held under house arrest by the Myanmar government for 14 of the past 20 years. She was first detained following the last democratic elections held in Myanmar in 1990, which Suu Kyi's National League for Democracy won by a landslide. Suu Kyi has been told she is free to leave the country, which would end her imprisonment, yet if she does so, she will not be allowed reentry. She has chosen to stay in Myanmar, confined to her house in Rangoon, and retain her status as the leader of the National League for Democracy.

Suu Kyi went on trial in May with two of her companions for offering shelter to an uninvited visitor. John Yettaw, a 53-year-old American from Missouri, swam across a Yangon lake to reach Suu Kyi's residence on May 4th, supposedly to warn her of a dream he had, which showed Suu Kyi's assassination. Although she asked him to leave upon his arrival, Suu Kyi decided to allow Yettaw to stay at overnight her house while he recuperated from exhaustion. Suu Kyi was initially sentenced to three years in prison for harboring Yettaw, but the court immediately converted her sentence to eighteen months to be served inside the walls of her own home.

Her lawyers said Suu Kyi had anticipated the guilty verdict, and had been collecting a library of books to see her through a long prison sentence. Her low expectations were shared by other members of the Burmese legal system. "The court proceedings were just a sham," said one lawyer who works in Yangon. "From the beginning, she was predestined" to lose, he said. Yettaw, also on trial for immigration violations and swimming in a restricted area, was given a prison term of up to seven years, including four years of hard labor.

The sentencing of Suu Kyi has been condemned as an overt attempt by Myanmar's military junta to keep her out of the controversial elections planned for next year. Advocacy groups have been quick to voice their displeasure with the ruling. The Assistance Association for Political Prisoners, has called the decision "yet another travesty of justice," and the Human Rights Watch has deemed it "a reprehensible abuse of power." The Wall Street Journal reports,

The U.S. Campaign for Burma, a Washington, D.C. advocacy group, blasted "the military regime's kangaroo court system" and called for a global arms embargo, an investigation into crimes against humanity in the country, and further steps to tighten bank transactions involving members of the military regime.

The verdict "should really make it clear that it's game over – (the junta leaders) have no intention of bringing changes about in their country," said Jeremy Woodrum, a spokesman for the U.S. Campaign for Burma. "We think we need to take some concrete action, now."

The European Union has also demanded the immediate and unconditional release of Suu Kyi, UPI reports. Sweden, current president of the EU, said they are ready for "targeted measures against those responsible for the verdict," and plan to stiffen earlier measures against Myanmar, including an arms export ban, visa restrictions and financial sanctions. According to the New York Times, President Nicolas Sarkozy of France has called the treatment of Suu Kyi "brutal and unjust," and suggests that European sanctions should target profitable industries like timber and ruby mining.

The Guardian reports that British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said he is "saddened and angry" at the conviction. He continued,

"[The sentence is] further proof that the military regime in Burma was determined to act with total disregard for accepted standards of the rule of law and in defiance of international opinion. This is a purely political sentence designed to prevent her from taking part in the regime's planned elections next year."

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has spoken out about the sentencing of Suu Kyi, as well as the other 2,000-plus political prisoners being held in Myanmar. "She should not have been tried, and she should not have been convicted. We continue to call for her release," she told reporters in Goma, Congo. Clinton has also asked for the release of Yettew, who suffers from epilepsy and diabetes: "We are concerned about the harsh sentence imposed on him especially in light of his medical condition." She said that if the Myanmar government must begin to address their human rights violations, "otherwise the elections they have scheduled for next year will have absolutely no legitimacy."

Suu Kyi Sentenced To 18 Months House Arrest [WSJ]
Suu Kyi Verdict Widely Condemned [UPI]
Clinton Demands Release Of Aung San Suu Kyi [New York Times]
Aung San Suu Kyi Found Guilty [Times]
Aung San Suu Kyi Found Guilty Of Breaking House Arrest [Guardian]
Clinton: Convicted Of Myanmar's Suu Kyi Wrong [AP]

[Tokyo, June 19. Image via Getty]

A Myanmar resident in Japan holds a poster of Myanmar democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi beside buddhist monks participating in a demonstration demanding the release of Myanmar democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi, at the United Nation University in Tokyo on June 19, 2009. The protest was held on the day marking Suu Kyi's 64th birthday. AFP PHOTO / TOSHIFUMI KITAMURA (Photo credit should read TOSHIFUMI KITAMURA/AFP/Getty Images)

But in this unfortunate economic climate, that 15% is still hurting, as Forbes points out that many top women in business, like beleaguered former Morgan Stanley exec Zoe Cruz, have lost their jobs this year. There are, of course, still many impressive business bitches holding it down, including #8 Ho Ching, the head of Singaporean sovereign wealth fund Temasek, #18 Mary Sammons, the CEO of Rite Aid, #19 Andrea Jung, the CEO of Avon, and #60 Judy McGrath, the CEO of MTV.

Angela Merkel is also in good company, with stateswomen like Argentinean President #13 Cristina Fernandez and deposed Myanmar Prime Minister/ Nobel peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyi, not to mention our girl Hillary Clinton at #28.

The list isn't all politicians and businesswomen: Meredith Vieira (#61) edges out Katie Couric (62), Barbara Walters (63), Diane Sawyer (65), and Christine Amanpour (#91) to be the most powerful woman in news, and architect Zaha Hadid comes in at #69. Whatever their professions, however, these women are much more impressive feminist icons than Candace Bushnell or Jenna Jameson.

100 Most Powerful Women [Forbes]

Earlier: German Titocracy
the Why Do We Know Lauren Conrad & Not Indra Nooyi?
Zoe Cruz Told Mortgage Traders To "Cut Losses," But They Thought She Was Just High On Crack

MEGAN: So, do you want to start with the slideshow of hotness that is Obama's personal aide? I mean, the article's nice, blah blah blah, but really, I think its purpose should just be to allow us to ooh and ahh over the dude.
MOE: Dude the hottest dude today is the Marine on the fucking front page of the Times and I fucking CAN'T FIND IT ONLINE.
MEGAN: This guy?
MOE: It should go with this story…do you see a picture there? Mine's not loading. I may have to scan. To support the troops, you know. Did you get through any of the New Yorker piece I sent on Fadl vs. Zawahiri?
MOE: And yeah, that guy! He just defeated the Taliban or something!
MEGAN: By the way, for the amusement of all, by Gchat banner ad is now this: "Dictionary.com Word of the Day - ribald: characterized by, or given to, vulgar humor."

MEGAN: Well, I think in the grand tradition of good friends, it's a great thing that you and I have very different taste in men. You can have your Marine, and I'll take the aide and we can both be happy!
MEGAN: Though I think we can all agree that any ladyboner can most easily be killed with this, which greeted me on the top of the New Yorker's site when I went to look for that article.
MOE: How was your weekend? I'm trying to think of some ribald conversations that transpired but 1. I don't really know what constitutes "ribald" when I just volunteered my fear that I had genital warts and 2. I actually ended up having a weirdly serious drunk conversation with a friend about God, and how he thought the Left was going to reclaim Jesus, and then I read half this piece about the jihad movement's ongoing internal debate over just how violent they really need to be and…uh…got a sunburn. Through a pair of black jeans.
MOE: It's…um…
MOE: Not Timid, that shot.
MEGAN: Yes. Not Timid is a good way of phrasing it.
MEGAN: Um, my weekend? Pretty relaxing, not much happened, you know, just had this little piece published in a minor news outlet.
MOE: So what's the deal? Do you want to read about Roger Stone while I examine the future of jihad?
MEGAN: I mean, want is probably a strong word since the article starts in a swinger club and one is thus forced to consider the thought of that man fucking, but yes, I'll do it as I think I'll garner more of an understanding out of that than the jihadist piece before coffee.
MOE: In the meantime China's not forcing fines or abortions on anyone who decides to get pregnant after losing kids to the earthquake. (To be fair: China stopped forcing abortions three years ago, I think, but it still happens sometimes?) Bill Clinton said a lot of idiotic things about how there's some vast elitist conspiracy to cover up the fact that Hillary is the inevitable next president and McCain asked Obama to visit Iraq with him, which I think is an excellent idea since he's not exactly safe here, as Hillary so saliently pointed out the other day.
MEGAN: Ok, well, now, my gag reflex has woken me up.

Not long ago, Stone went to the Ink Monkey tattoo shop in Venice Beach and had a portrait of Nixon’s face applied to his back, right below the neck. “Women love it,” Stone said.

Ummm, we're all women, right? Because I think we can all give this a resounding thumbs down.
MEGAN: Also, by the way, the fact that Reps Anna Eshoo and George Miller endorsed Obama really just means that Nancy wants to because obviously they only do what they're told. And while that phrase sort of pisses me off, I also sort of wish that Pelosi was that steely and puppeteery because then she might get more shit done.
MOE: Oh Jesus at this point any Democrat who endorses Obama should just not bother me with their headlines. I'm trying to focus on the brotherhood here. Also dude I have to get that pic of that marine who is totally hot
MEGAN: I'll need it, too, to wash the Roger Stone stench out from under my nostrils.
MEGAN: Things like this quote, from a Democratic strategist:

He once said to me, ‘Are you black? Are you Hispanic? Are you gay?’ When I said no, he said, ‘Then why the fuck are you a Democrat? You should be with us.’

This guy should be denied all access to pussy, seriously. Pussy boycott.

MOE: Um, someone in my house whose name will go unmentioned is eating one of your Christmas cookies.
MOE: That's neither here nor there.
MEGAN: The pumpkin ones, or the nutmeg ones?

MOE: Lawrence Wright describing the changes in Cairo since he taught English there in the seventies reminds…me of China without the economic growth:

When I lived in Cairo, the population was about six million. Now it is three times that size. The unbearable congestion reflects the ungoverned quality of life in the city; pedestrians plunge into the anarchic traffic, their faces masked by fright or resignation. The virtual absence of any attempt to impose order—in the form of street lights or crosswalks—is characteristic of a government that has no sense of obligation to its people and seeks only to protect itself.

One day during my visit, I went to Cairo University, whose buildings are practically crumbling from neglect. There are nearly two hundred thousand students, a good many more than there were when Zawahiri and Fadl studied there. Although the campus was quiet, the mood of the students was troubled, if subdued. Their professors had been on strike because of low pay; in Cairo’s poorer neighborhoods, riots had broken out over the cost of bread, and, in a middle-class area, residents had marched against pollution. The government’s response to the desperation had been to round up eight hundred members of the Muslim Brotherhood and throw them in jail.

MEGAN: Is it a bad thing that I snorted at the last sentence? Because if it is, I don't wanna me good.
MOE: I was going to blockquote another paragpraph but that feels lazy so I'm gonna summarize: Egyptians, like a lot of Middle Easterners, were psyched about 9/11 bc they thought it would force Americans to reexamine their support of their corrupt autocratic regimes and help eke out a middle path that embraced neither the status quo nor Islamism. Sadly that did not happen. Turns out we are not so good with "middle paths." Oh and btw Iran has nukes it's a grave and serious and urgent threat!
MEGAN: Oooh, way to bury the good tidbits! So, Charlie Black who is the Big Bad Lobbyist in McCain's camp, until very recently worked for the firm that Stone helped found, which was bought by the firm that Mark Penn helps run.

“So what that means is that Mark Penn is Charlie Black’s boss,” Stone told me. “And they said I was sleazy.”

MEGAN: Ha, the Egyptians thought that having he crap bombed out of us would make us re-examine our support of corrupt and autocratic regimes? I guess their knowledge of history is at least as bad as most Americans'.

MOE: Holy shit. Okay, so the Lawrence Wright story profiles some of the jihadist movement's foremost dissenters, namely a doctor named Sayman Imam Al-Sharif aka Dr. Fadl who met Ayman al-Zawahiri in med school in 1968 — hey! another awesome thing that happened that year, alert the boomer era hagiographers — but became estranged from him in the nineties and went off to practice medicine in Yemen and last May tried to call the whole thing off in a letter to a newspaper.
MEGAN: Oh, so, he's like an idealist? One Op Ed can stop a jihad or something?


9:45 AM
MEGAN: Pen is mightier than the sword?
MOE: Etc. etc. ... well, I guess he is like the William F. Buckley of Jihad, you know? The intellectual center of the movement apparently. And so he had a lot of followers. One was a guy named Karam Zuhdy. The rift sort of began in the nineties and Zawahiri tried to preempt it by holding a mass shooting in Novemeber 1997 in the ruins of Queen Hatshepsut’s temple and 62 people died. ANYWAY, Zudhy and his pals would minister to prisoners and try to get them to first renounce terrorism, then extremism, etc…gradually try and reform them etc. etc.
MOE: Most poignant passage so far:

Many of these Islamists had fantasized that they would be hailed as heroes by their society; instead, they were isolated and rejected. Now Karam Zuhdy and other imprisoned leaders were asking the radicals to accept that they had been deluded from the beginning. It was an overwhelming spiritual defeat. “We began going from prison to prison,” Ahmed recalled. “Those boys would see their leaders giving them the new conception of the revisions.” Ahmed recalls that many of the prisoners were angry. “They would say, ‘You’ve been deceiving us for eighteen years! Why didn’t you say this before?’ ”

Despite such objections, the imprisoned members of the Islamic Group largely accepted the leaders’ new position. Ahmed says that he was initially skeptical of the prisoners’ apparent repentance, which looked like a ploy for better treatment; however, several of the participants in the discussions had already been sentenced to death and were wearing the red clothing that identifies a prisoner as a condemned man. They had nothing to gain. Ahmed says that one of these prisoners told him, “I’m not offering these revisions for Mubarak! I don’t care about this government. What is important is that I killed people—Copts, innocent persons—and before I meet God I should declare my sins.” Then the man burst into tears.

MEGAN: Wait, so, like, there's Reconciliation in Islam, too?
MEGAN: Also, it's sort of heartwarming that they learned that killing people is bad, though!
MOE: Yeah well if they can get the memo maybe even someone like Doug Feith could reject his old…haha no.

MEGAN: Wait! Wait! Maybe the secret is that you have to go to prison? Because I could be down on running that experiment with good ol' Dougie.

MOE: I got till 10:30 incidentally and scanned that picture and I'm pretty sure not even I expected that 30% of the auto sales in California are made with home equity loans…especially since it would appear that California also holds claim to the market with the highest average price-to-rent ratio, a pretty good barometer of how inflated a real estate market is. A place in East Bay, California costs — or cost past tense, anyway — 51 times its annual rent. 42.5 in San Jose. That is, just for the record, insane.
MEGAN: Yeah, my sister lives out there and in Palo Alto these cute little bungalows that are barely bigger than my condo or your apartment are, like, $1 million and people rent them out and I don't see how you'd have the money to pay that kind of rent and not buy the place.

MEGAN: On the other hand, 18% of Americans believe the sun revolves around the Earth.
MEGAN: Oh, hey, btw, weren't you asked what happened to Aung San Suu Kyi last week? The junta's decided to extend her detention by another year despite laws there that you can't be detained without trial for more than 5 years. Apparently, her being free while they're fucking up the country more is a bad thing.

A few months ago, we were watching Entertainment Tonight when all of a sudden Jim Carrey appeared talking all slow and medicated about Burma and how to remember how to pronounce "Aung San Suu Kyi." And we were like, "What's the big deal? That lady hasn't so much as left her house in years!" Um and if you get that joke you'll probably like "That's So Jane's", the feature formed from a pun on the old slogan of Jane magazine and the Pentagon trade publication Jane's Defence Weekly which we provide for those of you who need a breather from the harsh realities of the crippling addictions and vicious custody battles of Brit and Linds and that girl from Heroes. This week Wonkette's Anonymous Lobbyist talks Burma, TomKat, K-Fed and L'il Kim Jong Il with Dr. Jason Abbott, a lecturer in International Politics at the University of Surrey and "owner of one hot British accent."

Q: So, like, what is the difference between Myanmar and Burma? Because the newspapers all keep talking about the protests in Myanmar, but Bush and other people keep talking about Burma. Is Bush just confused again, or is it like how we all have to call Katie Holmes "Kate" because Tom Cruise says so?
A: Well for once Dubya hasn't misread his briefing notes and the Tom Cruise analogy isn't too far from the truth. The two terms have been used interchangeably for centuries within the country since Burma is derived from bama which is essentially a colloquial form of the more formal Myanmar. Some also claim that Myanmar is more inclusive since the country is home to 8 major ethnic minorities and 130 smaller groups. (So think Britain vs. England). In 1989 the Junta decided to align the international name of the country with the formal local name but the opposition refuses to accept this since they maintain that it was made by an illegal regime.


Q: So, why are all the monks protesting? Are they also mad
about that gay Last Supper poster thing?(Link: NSFW)
A: Two things basically turned the monks, who are Buddhist, into protesters. The first was a response to the economic hardship faced by ordinary Burmese upon whom the monks rely for daily offerings of food. Buddhist monks are supposed to have no material possessions so, as the economic situation worsened, they witnessed firsthand the growing poverty of ordinary Burmese. This situation deteriorated sharply in August when the Junta doubled the price of gas and diesel.

The second reason for the protests is that, at a protest in Pakokku at which some monks participated, the military smashed some heads and some of those happened to be bald.

As for homosexuality... Buddhists are generally not as hung up about homosexuality as Christianity or Islam, as long as the sexual act is an expression of love, respect, loyalty and warmth. So I'm not sure they'd be fans of Sado-masochism nor that they'd look good in leather.


Q: Wow, who knew that monks weren't all Catholic! So let me get this straight: they're protesting because they only just realized their country is dirt-poor. What have they been smoking? And if they're the last guys to notice this shit because of their detachment from material possessions or whatever, why were they the first to go piss off the government about it? Didn't someone try that before?
A: The government has basically kept an iron grip on society in Burma. It's an Orwellian nightmare that makes China look like a liberal paradise by comparison. For twenty years there has been nothing on this scale and when protests have been staged they have been in the order of hundreds and have been easily dealt with.

The monks posed a huge dilemma for the military since they initially felt that they could not simply resort to smashing skulls and opening fire indiscriminately. Buddhists believe that what you do in this life will determine how you come back next time. So massacring a few monks is more likely to see you come back as a cockroach than achieving nirvana.


Q: Oh man, isn't that what we all wish? That Clarence Thomas would come back as a 'Rock of Love' contestant? Anyway, memo to poor people: the world doesn't work that way. Especially when your rulers are military dictators!
A: Well they're not stupid, but you know how the Mafia wouldn't kill Mother Teresa? The reverence of ordinary Burmese for the monks galvanized protesters who had cowered in fear for so long, basically because they began to think, "These guys don't mind if they get reincarnated as a E. Coli." The military apparently decided in favor of coming back as cockroaches in the next life rather than potentially having to give up a modicum of power in this one.


Q: I've also read that Aung San Suu Kyi was elected in 1990 but hasn't yet taken office. Isn't that a really long time to wait for an inauguration? Even The Knot says the average engagement is only like a year, and a wedding is, like, really hard to plan.
A: She did, and it is, absolutely. In 1990 her party, the National League for Democracy, won 59 percent of the vote — translating into 392 out of 498 seats in the legislature. Problem was, this wasn't quite the outcome the Junta has expected. They thought their National Unity Party would win and provide them with democratic legitimacy; when, in fact, Ralph Nader probably won more votes in 2004 than they did. So their response? Well, they proved to be terrible losers.


Q: Well, but how hard can house arrest be? The judge made Paris Hilton go back to jail because house arrest was too cushy.
A: Well, if Paris thought conditions at Century Regional Detention Centre were poor, they look like a Five Star hotel when compared to prisons in Burma.


Q: Wow, you're so right. The before and after photos are not pretty. She should just live in a house
like Paris', if she's going to have to spend so much time there.
A: Aung San Suu Kyi has spent 12 of the last 17 years under house arrest. While for some of that period she was allowed visitors, the Junta have, when they felt it necessary, ratcheted up
the privations she has been forced to endure. Her British husband Michael Aris was diagnosed with prostrate cancer in 1997. Not only did the Junta make it clear that if she left the country to see him she
would not be allowed to return, they also denied him a visa. So she was forced to choose between never seeing her husband alive again or abandoning the people for whom she had become a beacon of hope. We all know that she stayed and in 1999 Michael died.


Q: Aw, that's really kind of sad, but I'm not sure it's fair to say we "all" knew that. Is the reason Burma gets so little press because the head dictator guy isn't as hot as some or as crazy as others?
A: Well Senior General Than Shwe hates the limelight. In fact he is almost never seen in public and rarely makes an appearance, let alone a speech, so he is no international playboy. As for whether he is a crazy... well he is incredibly superstitious, and I don't mean simply reading his daily horoscope (he's a Capricorn by the way).

The Junta decided — after consulting an astrologer — to move the capital of Burma to a small town in the middle of the jungle. Out of the forest, the Junta constructed a city an area 78 times the size of Manhattan because, when the soothsayer looked into his crystal ball, he saw a future catastrophe that could only be avoided by relocating the entire government real estate. The same mystic declared that the best time for the move would be November 6, 2005, at 6.37 a.m. and so, when the day finally arrived, Burma's senior leadership drove into their new town at the ordained hour.


Q: JESUS. That's more ridiculous than all of Kevin Federline's shopping sprees combined. Which reminds me, the K-Fed thing is probably why I hadn't heard of Than Shwe's name but I had heard of Kim Jong Il: because his craziness is more along the level of Britney's! So like, how jealous do you think he had to be of A'Jad's press coverage to have agreed to talk to the other Korean president guy? They're totally more estranged than even Lauren and Heidi!
A: Well I imagine A'Jad must have been pretty irritated that some reclusive general who lives in the forest was stealing all his limelight at the UN last week, while little Kim (he is only 5'3") obviously decided that the only way he could wrestle CNN away from the streets of Rangoon was either by nuking Tokyo or reinventing himself as a man of peace. Maybe he has his eye on next week's Nobel Prize?


Q: Wow, that was totally statesmanlike of him to keep his nukes to himself this time! Maybe he's, like, totally channeling Aung San Suu Kyi!
A: Somehow, I doubt that.


Q: So, how pissed off do you think little Kim really was when the press coverage was all about the other guy's grabby hands? Is ass-grabbing the new boob-grabbing?
A: Well, I think we can blame this trend for wandering hands by Heads of State on Clinton. I doubt little Kim was that bothered... he was probably more interested in the fancy foreign cars that President Roh had driven up to Pyongyang in and wondering whether he could get him to agree to a partial exchange for a few centrifuges.


Q: Ooh, centrifuges! I remember those! They're a totally sweet ride, just like Roh's tricked out limo. How do the Burmese generals roll, besides in tanks?
A: I'm sure everyone hopes that eventually we might see the general's asses floating down a river rather than some innocent monks'.


Q: As long as they're not bare. I want to see that less than Lindsay's Britney!