The party appeared to be going smoothly, with Audrina inviting all of the mall punks she could find between the Hollywood Hills and Oceanside (read: a lot) and Lauren's love interest Doug stopped by with the ubiquitous friend-of-guy, Frankie. However, things were not all coke-dazes and rainbows for Lo, who began pouting because she doesn't know Audrina's friends and didn't think Audrina was "reciprocating" all of Lauren and Lo's efforts to make the party a smash success.

After the party was over, Lo decided to confront Audrina about the issues in their non-friendship. Unfortunately for Lo, Audrina didn't seem interested in pretending to have a friendship with her, especially since Lo grabbed every opportunity to be as passive aggressive and bitchy as she could be and the talk ended with Audrina telling Lo, "we'll never be friends." Strangely enough, Audrina was kind of right on this one: not everyone needs to be friends with one another other, especially if one person feels the need to bring their middle school-level of bitchiness to every interaction they have. (Wait, did we just imply that someone on The Hills has some showings of maturity? Yuck, we need to find something to read to expel this looming feeling of vapidity that is hanging over us. Quick, someone hand us some Proust, we're having a crisis here.)

Forbes reports (via MSNBC) that when calculating the cash pulled in by male CEOs of America's largest companies, the average take, including salary and bonuses, for all 500 CEOs was $12.8 million — double the female average of $6.5 million. But one of the most interesting things about Ms. Nooyi and some of the other top-earning female CEOs — Andrea Jung (Avon), Anne Mulcahy (Xerox), Christina Gold (Western Union) — is that you never really hear a damn thing about them.

Or maybe you do. Maybe you read the business section and the Financial Times and the Wall Street Journal. But maybe there just aren't as many stories about Ms. Nooyi and other female CEOs? A Google search turns up 93,100 results for Indra Nooyi; Larry Ellison returns 1,280,000. Lauren Conrad? 2,520,000 (Even Audrina Patridge gets 599,000. Six times Ms. Nooyi's number.) It's not that a Google search proves your worth, or that all those hits make Lauren Conrad a worthwhile person. It's just a way of asking: Why, in our escapist, entertainment-addicted society, do we place so much importance on certain women, when there are other hard-working ladies struggling to keep up with men in global business, where it really counts?

America’s Highest Paid Female CEOs [MSNBC]
Top-Returning Female CEOs (Slideshow) [Forbes]

• "i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. so, here's the visual... two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me... one of them being, 'Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?' WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile! i am not judging people that do, but i am just saying that its not something that my family finds necessary to do, especially when you're not even fully developed yet! It is hard enough being 14 years old and you have enough insecurities to begin with, then add being in the public eye... i just find it really disconcerting that people have to focus on the negative and that some people are sooooo bored with their own lives that they need to manifest lies to hurt another person." — Lindsay Lohan, on her MySpace Celebrity blog. [Yahoo News via E!]
• Christian Bale will get a "caution" — is that like a warning? — for allegedly pushing and shoving his sister and mom. Meaning he won't go to court. [The Sun]
• Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi: "Getting married very very soon." [Perez Hilton]
• Jennifer Aniston's been seen with model Matt Felker. Also known as Selma Blair's ex-boyfriend. Also known as the guy from Britney's "Toxic" video. [Perez Hilton]
• Apparently John Mayer is "still mulling" his relationship with Jen and might be upset that she's seeing someone new right away. Whatever, dude. [Mirror]

• Angelina Jolie is not "the replacement" for Tom Cruise in the spy thriller Edwin A. Salt; Tom passed on the role. Spin control or correction? [MSNBC]
• Paula Wagner, Tom Cruise's production partner, is quitting MGM/UA. Again: Is Tom's career in the crapper? [Financial Times]
• "I'm writing every day, right here at the piano," Britney Spears says. The new songs are her "best work ever." [Reuters]
• Pam Anderson has a new man! He's from the United Arab Emirates and may be a member of Abu Dhabi's royal family. Think she'll live in Dubai part-time? [E!]
• Pictures of Chris Brown and Rihanna frolicking on the beach in Barbados will make you want to go on vacation. [The Sun]
• Is Mary-Kate Olsen, who has an estimated $20 million annual income, "burning through her money? [MSNBC]
• Meanwhile, Ashley Olsen's been seen "all over" new boyfriend Justin Bartha. [Page Six]
• Michelle Williams is careful about the paparazzi: "Before Michelle leaves the house with Matilda, she has a bodyguard go around her block and make sure there are no photographers," a source says. [Page Six]
• The phrase "wardrobe malfunction" has gone into the lastest Chambers English Dictionary. Thanks, Janet Jackson, for adding to our modern lexicon! [Mirror]
• While Madonna has plans to adopt a little girl from Malawi, she won't be adopting Dingiswayo Banda, David Banda's newborn half-brother. This paper is trying to make her feel bad about that. [Daily Mail]
• This report says Madonna is not planning to adopt another child from Malawi. [TMZ]
• Benji Madden and Paris Hilton: Dunzo? [E!]
• Kelly Brook and Billy Zane: Splitsville. "This time, for good." [Mirror]
• Winona Ryder and Blake Sennett from the band Rilo Kiley: Broken up. There are two eclipses this month and everything is all effed up, you guys. Hug someone. [Perez Hilton]
• Courteney Cox directed a short film for Glamour magazine's Reel Moments. "My short's about a girl, played by Laura Dern, who has a chance encounter on a bus that confirms the decision she makes to be single and reinforces her faith in herself," Cox says. "You don't have to have someone complete you." [USA Today]
• Kevin Federline was checking out spelling conundrum Brittny Gastineau at a club in L.A. recently, but Brittny was not interested. Unrelated: Would you like to buy a vowel? [Page Six]
• David Beckham, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin and Leona Lewis will be part of the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. If they do "Stairway To Heaven" my brian will explode. [Mirror]
• Sylvester Stallone will star in a Bollywood movie? Must. See. [Wall Street Journal]
• Some dude fell down a "large, concealed drop-off" on Sharon Stone's property and he's suing. [TMZ]
• A woman arrested on charges of stalking John Cusack has been found mentally competent to stand trial, and she'll be in court September 9. [Reuters]
• Dave Coulier speaks about being the inspiration for Alanis Morissette's song, "You Oughta Know." "I said, 'I think I have really hurt this person.'" Ya think? [Perez Hilton]
• If you've got a hundred bucks and an idea about who shot JR, you can go to the 30th anniversary party for Dallas, being held at a Texas ranch. Larry Hagman, Linda Gray and Patrick Duffy have confirmed they will attend! [AP]
• Audrina Patridge has been offered a guest role on a new sitcom, Do Not Disturb, starting this fall. Not that you care. [People]
• "What have you done? You hardly know the boy!" — Peaches Geldof's dad, Sir Bob, upon hearing that his daughter got hitched in Vegas. [Mirror]
• "You can’t understand how a woman seeing a man who has been separated from his wife [Rosetta Getty] for months can cause such a scandal. It’s awful, I can’t tell you. You wonder when it’s all going to stop." — Jo Miller, Sienna's mom. [Daily Express]
• "I don't believe in God, I believe in Al Pacino, and that's true. If I ever get a phone call saying, 'Would you like to work with Pacino?,' I would go crazy." — Javier Bardem in Time magazine. [Page Six]
• "If anyone wants to win an Oscar, they can just work with me." — Kerry Washington to Giant magazine, referring to her Academy Award-toting co-stars Jamie Foxx and Forest Whitaker. [Page Six]

• Paramedics arrived at Amy Winehouse's London home last night after she suffered "multiple convulsions and fits." She was carried out on a stretcher wearing an oxygen mask; her father, Mitch, rushed to the house right before the emergency crew arrived and said, "She's fine, she just mixed up her medication." [Mirror]
• Doctors wanted Amy to stay overnight for observation. [Reuters]
• …And she's out! Amy was released this morning. Her spokesperson says she had a "reaction to medication." By medication do you mean crack? [The Sun]
• At The Japanese premiere of The Dark Knight today, Christian Bale refused to comment on his assault allegations. [AP]
• Christian Bale did say: "Heath's created an anarchic Joker unlike any ever seen before. He modeled the part on Sid Vicious which made this punk-like character." [Mirror]

• The former dorm matron at Oprah's school for poor South African girls has pleaded innocent to charges that she assaulted and abused six teenagers. The trial will be held in private and the teens will testify via closed-circuit TV so they don't have to face their alleged attacker. [MSNBC]
• Kelsey Grammer was hospitalized Monday feeling faint. He did have a heart attack last month; it's possible medication was the cause of his symptoms. [USA Today]
• Grammer stayed in the hospital overnight. [Reuters]
• After his car crash and hand surgery, Shia LaBeouf is "fine," Shia La Beouf's mom says. [Yahoo News]
• The peeps at TMZ harassed Shia's mom in an "exclusive" video. [TMZ]
• Liz Hurley's working on a reality show about life on her farm. And it's not some Green Acres concept. "People always imagine me with perfect hair. But that’s not who I am," Liz sez. "The first time he saw me in the country, my husband found me in wellies, covered in mud." Sure, sure. [The Sun]
• Kim Stewart first made out with Jude Law. Now she's dating Rhys Ifans. Sienna Miller's sloppy seconds! [The Sun]
• Kate Middleton and Prince William: Spending a fortnight on the Caribbean island of Mustique. I: Jealous. [Telegraph]
• Britney's on vacay in Mexico with someone this paper calls a "mystery man" but we saw elsewhere that it's her friend George Maloof. Also, there's a small group on the trip — it's not just Brit and George. [Mirror]
• Matt Damon's unborn kid is a girl. "I'm so outnumbered, it's crazy," Matt says. He has one daughter, Isabella, 2, and a stepdaughter Alexia, 9, with wife Luciana. [ET]
• Are Spencer and Heidi leaving the Hills? "I need a break from the drama," says Spencer. "That's why I'm moving out of Hollywood." Heidi confirms they're looking for a new home, saying, "We want to get one house where we want to stay and build a family." My God. These people are going to breed. Oh, Spencer also thinks Heidi should be John McCain's VP. Not even funny, dude. [Extra]
• On Jessica Simpson's new album cover, she looks like a sad little girl. [People]
• John Mayer has a buzz cut now. A reader sent us an e-mail which read, "Before you make fun of him for the newly shorn hair, I just wanted to let you know that he, and several of his band mates, shaved their heads in tribute to his friend and back up guitarist David Ryan Harris' dad, who passed away a few days ago. As far as I know the in memoriam part of the head shaving is supposed to be private, but I wanted to make sure no one made an ass of themselves making fun of a gesture for a loved one." [The Life Files]
• Ryan Seacrest was attacked by a shark! He was in Mexico when a sand shark bit his toe. Dude is badass, though: "He didn't know what it was for a minute - he thought it was a stick," a source says. "He had no time to be scared. He saw it swim away, he got out, took aspirin and called it a day." [Page Six]
• Lindsay and Sam got locked in their hotel room Sunday night so they went out the balcony and down the wall, laughing hysterically. Is any other couple out there having as much fun? [Rush & Molloy]
• Gossip Girl gossip: Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford went to a Ting Tings show and were "never more than a foot apart," a spy swears. "If one moved two feet to the left, so did the other. They were only interested in each other." [Rush & Molloy]
• A lawsuit involving unreported My Big Fat Greek Wedding profits has been dropped. Fixed with Windex? [Breitbart]
• Gretchen Mol is in final negotiations to star in ABC's new series Life On Mars. Already cast: Grey's Anatomy's Jason O'Mara; Harvey Keitel and Michael Imperioli. The show is a remake of a British series. [E!]
• Melissa Gilbert, of Little House On The Prairie fame, is playing Ma Ingalls in a staged musical version of Little House. [Yahoo News]
• Maria Bello is engaged. She and her beau, Bryn Mooser, described as a musician, artist and part-time waiter, "fell in love over a sheer passion of politics, Africa and cryptozoology." Insert Chupacabra joke here. [Yahoo News]
• Mark McGrath's stint as the host of TV's Extra? Dunzo. He's being replaced by Mario Lopez. Slater just won't go away. [Perez Hilton]
• Courts ruled that the child of a Georgia woman who claims to have had an affair with Chris Rock was not, in fact, fathered by Chris Rock. Yet! This lady is pitching a book called Hollywood Child, in which she writes about how "getting pregnant with Chris’ son saved her life." Denial, line one. [MSNBC]
• Lifestyles Condoms have offered Miley Cyrus $1 million to be the company's spokeswoman. "Pop culture proves that teens are more ready than ever to discuss the subject of sex," says the company's VP of marketing, Carol Carrozza. "We believe that Miley is both influential and relatable to this afflicted set—and is the obvious choice to get the message of safe sex out to teens across America." They're also offering Miley a lifetime supply of condoms. Of course she'll never take the deal. But. Wouldn't it be great if safe sex was a teen trend? [E!]
• "Without a doubt, this one is the most formidable opponent I’ve ever run into. You talk about dirty tricks: Brass knuckles, steel knuckles, cheap shots, tripping people up. I’ve never seen anybody in the wrestling business that has more dirty tricks than she does!" — Hulk Hogan on separating from wife Linda. [Perez Hilton]
• "I don't see why people are so negative. The games are about friendship. I'm Chinese and I'm proud of my country." — Actress Zhang Ziyi, puzzled by the protests against China's human rights record before the Beijing Olympics. [AP]
• "I don't feel like they show me on The Hills sticking up for myself. They edit that out. I'm generally happy with how I look when it comes out. In real life, though, I'm bubbly and fun and talkative and when you see me on the show I'm always sitting there and sad. But I'm fine with it because it's not my show. I'm there because of Lauren." —Audrina Patridge. [LA Times]

[Los Angeles, July 2. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Hollywood, June 18. Image via X17.]

Star
Jamie Lynn's "baby joy turns to tears…" because her shotgun wedding to Casey Aldridge is allegedly off! Despite frequent, happy looking trips to Wal-Mart, the two teens fight all the time. Even worse, Casey is reportedly two-timing Jamie Lynn! "Casey is acting like a dog," a local yokel notes. And Casey's not the only "celebrity" behaving badly. The Hills Whitney Port is acting like a diva, showing up late to appearances and demanding trips to 7-Eleven. Even more shocking: a Whitney Port personal appearance commands $14,000. New moms Melissa Joan Hart and Jaime Pressly are gabbing about their new baby boys. Jaime ate cabbage soup six days a week and worked out two hours a day to lose her baby weight. Sounds…farty and ill-advised. Lilo hates Mary-Kate Olsen because of her friendship with Samantha Ronson, although MK is really scared of people thinking she's a lezebel. John Mayer has a touch of the OCD: since moving in with Jennifer Aniston at her hotel in Florida while she shoots Marley and Me, he has been cleaning up after her cleaning lady. Jen, who is 9 years older than John, is also featured in a spread called "Cougar Season" alongside Mariah, Ellen DeGeneres, and ur-Cougar Demi Moore. Ladies sometimes date younger men: this is not news. We are officially over the term "cougar."
Grade: D (falling asleep outside and having someone write "Dick" on your stomach in sunblock)

Us
Former jilted Bachelor star Andrew Firestone has a "Second Chance At Love," the Us cover blares. Even though ex-fiancée Jen Schefft dumped him on his keister after the show aired, Firestone has found love with a leggy blonde Serbian model named Ivana Bozilovic. You guys, it's so hard to rebound from a break-up when you're a ridiculously good-looking heir to a tire fortune. Firestone has been through so much! Not as much as breakup postergirl Jennifer Aniston. But things seem to be looking up for our formerly depressed diva! Her friends all love new boyfriend John Mayer, even notoriously tough Courteney Cox. Several preggers stars are just about ready to "pop": Gwen Stefani, Nicole Kidman, Jamie Lynn Spears, Luciana Damon (Matt's wife) and Ryan Shawhughes (Ethan Hawke's gf) are among the super pregs. Patrick Swayze has gone back to work on the forthcoming A&E series The Beast even though he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. No cancer puts Patrick in a corner! Kim Cattrall signed on to executive produce and star in a new HBO comedy, Sensitive Skin, which is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality. "Even though it's my name, and the word skin is there, it's a very subtle show," she assures Us. Mmmkay.
Grade: D- (subway smells on a 99 degree day)

In Touch
Angelina is "Pushing Brad Away!" Nooooes! Apparently Ange has violent mood swings because of all the pregnancy hormones and Brad can't deal with it. He took Maddox to the MotoGP motorcycling championship just to get the eff away from Angie. At least she's not back to her Billy Bob humping days, but allegedly Nicole Richie is back to her old bad habits, namely not eating. She's down to 95 pounds, only ten pounds heavier than her scary looking lowest point. Also back to bad habits: Brit Brit. She's back on the sauce, but still not doing drugs, though some fear that Britney's cocktail swilling might lead back down the road to cocaine corner. Also: there's some sidebar saying that Britney's boozing is causing her to have acne. WTF? Did a boob job come between George Clooney and Sarah Larson? Apparently Larson got her tatas done in May, and George wasn't happy about it. Sarah, however, is so thrilled with her new bod that she is considering posing for Playboy. Sigh.
Grade: F+ (second degree sunburn)

OK!
Aw, Shiloh is excited about Angelina's new babies! Apparently SO excited that OK! felt the need to devote four pages to the minutia of Shiloh's very existence. She has "pull-up diapers and tells Mom and Dad when she has to go to the bathroom"! She is learning to sleep alone! She puts her hands on Angie's stomach to feel the twins kick! Um, just like ANY OTHER TWO-YEAR-OLD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE. Brad Pitt might be making babies these days, but according to a "friend" of John Mayer's, Brad doesn't stack up to John in the sack. John is "Not just good, but sensational" at the sex." Jen is so appreciative that she's started glowing and wearing dresses. Or something like that. Mutiny in The Hills! Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge are brawling. There's a photo shoot with Audrina at her pool house, behind the main house where Lauren and Lo live, and apparently L.C. was pissed about it. "She was very, very mad." Audrina says. "She said it's her house. But this is my room…No she thinks I'm sneaky and shady for doing this photo shoot, yet she and her team knew about it." Dramz!
Grade: F (boob sweat on a date)

Life & Style
Katie is Tom's Prisoner. Again. Katie went to New York for four days to rehearse for her new play, All My Sons, and she never went anywhere but the hotel and the theater. She looked annoyed at a party, according to an "insider" and it's because she feels suffocated. Is John Mayer ready to be a dad? Life & Style ponders. Jen started talking about a friend's fertility treatment over dinner and John "swiftly" changed the subject. "This spinach is awesome…It's very garlicky," Mayer reportedly said. Heh. Maybe that's why Jennifer Aniston has been feuding with He's Just Not That Into You co-star, Jennifer Connelly. The cast of the film, which includes Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin, got together for a Marie Claire photoshoot, and Aniston threatened to pull out if Connelly was included. Janet Jackson looks to be "up 20 pounds" since October, and she needs to lose weight before her Rock Wichu tour in September. She plans to eat healthier and exercise more and blah blah blah.

Grade: F- (heatstroke)

Despite all of Charlotte's Cosmo-swilling, Kristin Davis is sober, and has been since before her stint on Sex and the City. "I’m a recovering alcoholic. I’ve never hid it, but I’ve been sober the whole time I’ve been famous, so it wasn’t like I had to go to rehab publicly," Davis told Health magazine. • Audrina and Justin Bobby are maybe back together. "If things get hard I always go back to Justin," Aud tells Us. The Hills are alive with the sound of boredom. • Britney Spears is allegedly in talks to perform at the Palms Casino in Vegas for a tidy sum. Hey, Celine Dion did it! [Celebitchy,Us, Dlisted]

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson: Engaged??? Apparently she has a huge new rock on her finger. A source says, "He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional." Guess Owen's rough times are over? [The Sun]
  
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston spent another weekend together in Miami, eating salads poolside and making out. [People]
  
• Jenna Bush got married. [People]
  
• Dennis Farina was arrested at LAX for carrying a loaded, unregistered, .22 caliber, semi-automatic pistol in his briefcase. Farina is a former cop but, uh, you can't bring a gun on a plane. [Reuters]
  
• Hugh Hefner wants Miley Cyrus to pose for Playboy. When she's old enough. This is what happens. Don't you feel like weeping? [The Sun]
  
• Lindsay Lohan: Seen crying at Crown Bar in West Hollywood after a fight with girlfriend Sam Ronson, awwww. [Page Six]
  
• But LL was all smiles when she worked the crowd at the Wango Tango concert and introduced Snoop Dogg. When I say Wango you say Tango! [TMZ]

• Britain's "Most Annoying Couple," Katie Price (aka Jordan) and husband Peter Andre, are moving to the US. Prepare yourself! [Rush & Molloy]
• Leonardo di Caprio and his mom arrived at an art show via bicycle. Carbon footprint be damned! [Page Six]
• Bono celebrated his 48th birthday simply: With dinner, cake and champagne for 12 on Friday night. In attendance: Brad Pitt, Monaco's Prince Albert II and The Edge. So down to earth! [People]
• Gwyneth Paltrow and Mario Batali recently filmed a documentary series, Spain... On The Road Again in which they travel through España eating, cooking and sightseeing. The show will air on PBS in the fall but there's a preview here. Apparently the formerly macrobiotic Paltrow is a "really good eater." [People]
• Gwyneth may adopt her next child because being pregnant made her feel "like a zombie." She says, "I was so ill, everything disgusted me! I wasn't able to eat or smell anything." She says "an American oprhan" would be an option. Though she could copy her bff Madonna. [Mirror]
• Blind item! "Which executive producer and creator of two hit TV comedy series doesn't do his own work? Laments one insider: 'He's content to sit back and let everyone do the writing for him when they're supposed to be his shows.'" [Rush & Molloy]
• Suge Knight got in a fight at Hollywood nightclub and was knocked out cold for three minutes. [TMZ]
• Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were granted a preliminary divorce by a London judge, bringing us all one step closer to never having to hear about it again. [People]
• A chick won Survivor! [E!]
• Ellen turned 50 on January 26, but had a delayed celebration over the weekend due to the writers' strike. Her party was carnival and casino-themed and newlyweds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Tom Hanks, Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Foxx, Paris Hilton and Clive Davis were in attendance. [E!]
• Madonna had to travel 37 miles from her home in London to a concert in Kent, so she went via helicopter, of course. [Mirror]
• Plus: Madonna used the F word twice during the Radio 1 Big Weekend gig, which was being broadcast live on BBC3, BBC HD and Radio 1. Whoops! [The Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes baby-sat the Beckham boys while Posh went to London to work on her clothing line and David had a soccer game. [Mirror]
• Liz Hurley canceled a photo shoot for a vodka brand so now the rumor is that she is pregnant, sigh. [Mirror]
• David Sedaris once paid sister Amy 10¢ for a chicken leg at a family dinner when they were kids. [Page Six]
• Audrina Patridge of The Hills has joined the cast of Into The Blue 2, sequel to the Jessica Alba flick. Should be awesome. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Stop, drop, shut 'em down, open up shop: Cops raided the home of rapper DMX and he's been arrested (again) on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession. [Mirror]
• It's official: Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien on Late Night. Let the uncontrolled giggling begin! [NY Times]
• Hayden Panettiere has "lez lust" for Angelina Jolie. [The Sun]
• William Shatner is finally talking about his feud with Star Trek costar Leonard Nimoy: "He thought I was a real son of a bitch," Captain Kirk says. [Mirror]
• Neverland Ranch has been saved from foreclosure! Michael Jackson says that the property loan was sold to Colony Capital, a large real estate investment firm. [Reuters]
• Singer Neil Young has been honored by an East Carolina University biologist who discovered a new species of trapdoor spider and named it Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi. Neil: Mind if we bug you by saying congrats? [Reuters]
• Carrie Underwood was inducted into the Grand Ole Opry Saturday night. Membership to the Opry is invitation-only and based on the artist's commitment to the show and overall contribution to country music. So it's an honor. [E!
• Alanis Morissette hit "rock bottom" over the past two years due to "a personal unraveling of significant relationships in my life." But she used the rough patch to write songs for her new album, out in June. Plus: She's psyched to see the Sex And The City movie: "I will definitely be going to see that movie," enthused Morissette, who once guest-starred on the HBO series. "I'm the girl that would torture a few of my guy friends and bring them." [People]
• A David O. Russell political comedy starring Jessica Biel and Jake Gyllenhaal has been put on hold because of a "cash crunch," boo. [Deadline Hollywood]
• The father of American Idol contender David Archuleta is a meddler who has been banned from rehearsals. [AP]
• Justin Timberlake is executive producing an MTV show called The Phone. The series, based on a Dutch reality show, begins each episode with two hidden cell phones ringing at opposite ends of a major city. Contestants who answer the phones have five seconds to decide if they want to play along for a cash prize, and a guide on the other end of the line then gives contestants a mission to complete before time runs out. [Reuters]
• Jennie Garth will be on the 90210 spinoff! She'll play a guidance counselor at her alma mater. Eh, that would never happen. [USA Today]
• Ashton Kutcher once he met Demi he knew it was right. "I knew she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with," he said. "I am the happiliest — I think I just invented that word — married guy on the planet." [Reuters]
• Tom Cruise's probably craptastic Nazi movie has been delayed. Again. [Times of London]
• Heath Ledger's family is bracing as E! True Hollywood Story producers have begun to work on a "tribute" to the late actor and have flown to Australia to talk to Heath's school friends and former colleagues. [News.com.au]
• Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans are going through a rough patch and might hnot get married, sigh. [Daily Mail]
• Speed Racer crashed and burned at the box office. What a wreck. [E!]
• "I wish Halle [and the baby] all the happiness and success in the world, as that is what I'm experiencing at this point in my life." — Halle Berry's former hubby Eric Benet. [Rush & Molloy]
• "I tried to work in an office. Apparently, my clothes weren't right. I was a Gal Friday the 13th. I would answer phones and people would call up very upset. Then they'd call back screaming and yelling because I had to go to the file room and I would get sidetracked. I used to fall asleep reading the mail. I didn't want to. But it was so boring to me and I hated it." — Cyndi Lauper. [Newsweek]

• Ashlee Simpson, 23, is engaged to Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, 28. He got down on one knee; she said yes. Flat-iron-filled wedding to come! [In Touch Weekly]
  
• Is Ashlee pregnant? There's no evidence to that end, but whatever. [Us]
  
• Oh! Is Ashlee's team leaking Mariah Carey songs in hopes of creating less competition for Ashlee's album? Maybe this whole marriage thing is a publicity ploy too. [KBS Radio]
  
• Beyoncé's little sister Solange says "I don't know anything about [a wedding]. You'll have to ask her yourself." Also: B has a lot to learn when it comes to kids, says Solange (who is 21 and the mother of a 3-year-old). [People]
  
• Does The Hills star Audrina Patridge lock her bedroom door because she doesn't trust roomie Lauren Conrad? Lauren seems like one of those girls who would borrow clothes without asking first. [Page Six]

• Is Katie Couric planning on leaving CBS Evening News early? Does anyone watch her? [People]
• Angelina Jolie was discussing Iraq education policy in Washington DC on Tuesday when she "felt kicking suddenly." Is a career in politics in the future for her unborn (twins?)? [People]
• Bret Michaels has been named in a breach-of-contract lawsuit against the producers of Rock Of Love. The owner of the $9 million home where they filmed the series found holes in the walls and ceilings, dead plants, and missing doors. $380,000 worth of damage. No doubt stuff happened in that house that we don't even want to know about. [E!]
• Halle Berry's baby pix: Not coming to a celebrity weekly magazine. Yet. [MSNBC]
• Gwen Stefani doesn't know if her baby is a boy or a girl, and won't find out until delivery day — she and Gavin want it to be a surprise. Hopefully it's a girl she can dress up in wacky outfits. [People]
• Whitney Houston's young boyfriend, Ray J, has written a song about her. The lyrics: "Is that your wife, is that your shorty, well I'm her boyfriend... I think the problem is you don't beat it right... Making love is cool, just pull her hair sometimes." [Page Six]
• Pat O'Brien has just completed his second stint in rehab and will return to his show, The Insider. [Page Six]
• Despite that Iggy doggie fiasco, the Humane Society has praised Ellen DeGeneres for raising awareness of animal issues. [Page Six]
• No one likes racist oil heir Brandon Davis. [Page Six]
• A source claims Eliot Spitzer says his wife knew about his hooker habits and was like, "My fucking wife doesn't care, so why does anybody else care?" Tsk, tsk. [Page Six]
• Jane Krakowski is headed to Broadway to star in Damn Yankees. Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which show keeps its dim-witted if ultra-popular "reality" stars peppy with Adderall supplied by a producer in handfuls between scenes?" [Gatecrasher]
• Actor Thomas Jane pleaded not guilty to DUI charges yesterday. He goes back to court in May, and The Punisher will find out how he's being punished. [TMZ]
• 50 Cent is in talks to star in an upcoming indie film, but he has 21 questions first. [Perez Hilton]
• Gwyneth Paltrow says the rumors about her marriage breaking up are "ridiculous." She also reveals the astrological personalities of her kids: "Apple is an open person. She's Taurus; grounded, calm, funny. Moses is Aries, he's the most sweet, sensitive thing but then he'll kick and karate-chop and spit and tumble. He's a real boy." [People]
• Toni Braxton has canceled upcoming shows after being hospitalized for chest pains earlier in the week. She has previously been treated for hypertension and pericarditis. Be well! [People]
• A judge has dropped Michael Jackson from a lawsuit filed by the family of a women who died at a hospital after she was moved to make room for the pop star. [Yahoo News]
• Snoop Dogg has settled a lawsuit with his former record label, "though they won't disclose how many bones it took." Heh. [Yahoo News]
• Robert De Niro has left CAA, the agency he has been with for years. [Deadline Hollywood]
• Paris Hilton's brother Barron pleaded guilty to two misdemeanors from his DUI charges and will lose his license for a year. He also has to attend alcohol-education programs. [Yahoo News]
• Bob Marley's mother, Cedella Booker, died in her sleep Tuesday night at her home in Miami. She was 81. [USA Today]
• Never before seen Elvis pictures from 1972 have suddenly surfaced. Thank you, thank you very much. [Yahoo News]

Here's another:

[Los Angeles, April 3. Image via FilmMagic.]

Since it the internet is so awash in misogyny and woman-bashing that it's like we're living in the dark ages, this week all sentences will be medieval torture techniques. Fun and educational!

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay
The Crime: Use of the oh-so handy "slut" label.
The Evidence: "George Clooney's Girlfriend Is A Slut: One day this chick doesn't mind getting dry humped on camera, the next she's a demure flower on the red carpet. Why the sudden change? Was it true love's first kiss? Did George Clooney fill her empty heart? 'Oh, and he's really rich and famous,' Sarah Larson added. 'Don't forget rich.'" So yeah. What does it matter that Sarah Larson's been photographed Last Nights Party-style? So have lots of girls. Also, calling someone you don't know a slut on the internet is immature, stupid and makes you look like and idiot. Cut it out. Also? Women are complex. Deal with it.
The Sentence: The Judas Cradle.

The Accused: WWTDD?
The Crime: Getting on Miss England's case; calling her fat.
The Evidence: "She says, 'It's what I was born to do - posing for the camera. And as I keep saying, I love my body. People seem desperate to get me to say that I don't, that deep down I'm not happy and would rather be thin, but the fact is I wouldn't change myself at all. Do I have fat days? Of course, but what woman doesn't!' I think the difference being Chloes fat days are more commonly known as, 'Monday-Sunday.'" Miss England, Chloe Marshall, is a lot of things: Brave, confident, 5 foot 10 and recently signed to a modeling agency. She is not, however, fat.
The Sentence: Foot roasting.

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna
The Crime: Calling a supermodel a man.
The Evidence: "I know I rip on Gisele Bundchen a lot, but even I've got to admit she's looking pretty hot here at the launch of the Vogue Eyewear Play Everyday Campaign in that tight dress of hers. And that's hard for me to admit considering I'm not into dudes." Please, that woman does not look like a man. And this isn't even "funny."
The Sentence: The Heretic's Fork.

The Accused: Your friend, Drunken Stepfather
The Crime: Bashing Miley Cyrus (again), wishing disease on Audrina Patridge.
The Evidence: "I guess one of the good things about 15 year old girls is that they don't have cellulite like they will when they actually become women, but they are so annoying when all they want to watch is Hannah Montana reruns, especially when they are Hannah Montana... bitch is probably the next in line for an abortion at the on studio abortion clinic they are rockin' over at Disney and this bitch and her crooked smile don't have shit on the 15 year old girls I see out in clubs..."
Additional Evidence: (Audrina Patridge gets a tattoo) "The only hope we have is that the needle is tainted and she gets herself some AIDS and the good news is that she's enough of a slut to make that happen on her own, without dirty needles." You don't need me to explain why all of this is distasteful, derogatory, misogynist, degrading, demeaning and malicious. And yeah, we're going to keep writing about DS, because someone keeps paying him to post stuff like this. It's wrong, and people should know that.
The Sentence: Being flayed alive.

11:11 Haha! Mariah said, "I have enjoyed you profusely!" That woman lives by the thesaurus. But on that note, I have enjoyed this night profusely, even though I bitched in the beginning. Thanks for refreshing! I'm peacing. I've been on this computer since 7 am. DONE!

11:08 OK, now I'm gonna have to subject my dog to "We Belong Together." It might be one of my favorite songs ever. I'm not kidding.

11:03 The sound on this is all fucked up! It sounds like they don't have it patched in or whatever, and they're just picking up the sound in the venue. Also, Mimi can't hit those notes. It's weird.

11:02 Oh! Excited for Justin Bobby to return! Excited for Heidi and Audrina being chummy! Excited for more She Pratt!

10:58 Whitney says her soft g's weird, like they're k's. And I have a feeling that we're gonna be hearing a lot of her new "stylink" goals in eps to come.

10:55 Uh, who's the dude sitting behind Mimi, Lauren, and Aussie?

10:50 OK, this just got as ridiculous as it could possible get. The French dude is gonna take her around Paris at midnight on a motorcycle while she's wearing a ball gown?

10:41 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! OMG, you just know that the MTV producers did that to her dress.

10:35 I am so into this girl from Yelle. She's such a spaz, I love it! She reminds me exactly of my sister when she was like 7.

10:30 Wow, this scene with Spencer and Heidi and her parents is SO awkward.

10:29 Oh boy. This ball gown altering plan is going to end very badly—as per the script.

10:25 I made my dawg sit in front of me and be my audience while I sang The Hills theme song to her and then I took pictures. Clearly she's unimpressed with me.

10:21 Two things: These dudes from the band are adorbz; and Lauren looks great in red lipstick.

10:19: LOLOLOLOLOL!!! I love that Heidi's hometown is called Crested Butte, because all I can think of is Crusted Butt.

10:18: I really love Whitney's pink dress here.

10:17 I don't know if I really understand what this ball is. I thought it was a fashion thing.

10:10 This Dove mini show thing is weird. OMG! I went on a date at the restaurant their eating in! My boss showed up (not Anna), sat down, and ate some of our lobster ceviche and then pointed out, in front of my date, that the wine that I was ordering was expensive. The food was really good.

10:09 I'm so glad that She Pratt is a regular now. What is the deal with these two? Like does Spencer feed her lines?

10:03 I'm loving Whitney's hat. Lauren is wearing that Betsey Johnson dress. That would look like maternity wear on me.

10:00 OMG! Mimi's gold jacket is very...labial.

9:59: I'm going to have to sing "Unwritten" alone. My dog always looks at me like I'm nuts when I doshit like that.

9:50 Can we just talk for a minute about these chicks modeling their outfits between commercial breaks? Why is that happening.

9:32 OK, I'm gonna go there and ask what the fuck this meebo business is? You know, not for nothing, but I do these live blogs to facilitate a convo here, and I think it's weird that some commenters agree to go somewhere else "private." Also, I'll put this out there: My ass gets money per page view. That might sound mercenary or whatevs, but it's true and I'm like, what am I doing with 2 hours of my life, off hours, not eating my cheeseburger, because I'm typing, when people aren't even hanging out here?

9:27 And since this is boring, let's keep talking about dirty stuff. What do you think Spencer and Heidi's sex life is like? They're pretty boring when they fight, so I imagine it would be similar. And she looks like a faker—a loud faker.

9:22 What do you guys think of Audrina's nudie pictures (link NSFW, duh)? Personally I think the only thing she has to be embarrassed about is the eyeshadow and the cowboy hat.

9:13 Who is this Australian chick hosting the premiere party? That's an Aussie accent, right? Also, why does Lauren always look put out about having to be interviewed or talk about the things that make her money?

9:10 @ ampg: Dude, my ex-BF used to love the theme song and we would sing it together really loudly. But he would always go, "Feel the rain on my penis!" Which I thought was so weird, because I know that he's actually never felt rain on his penis.

9:01 Um, OK, so this is just the last two episodes that their playing for this hour? I thought there would be more of the premiere party beyond a little countdown in the corner. Mainly I'm disappointed that Mariah isn't involved in this.

• Will Heath Ledger earn an Academy Award for his role as the Joker in The Dark Knight? That's the buzz coming out of his native Australia. [News.com.au]
  
• Pete Doherty setting young heroin addicts straight on a new TV show? With music-based therapy sessions? Verdict: Maybeshambles. [Sydney Morning Herald]
  
• Amy Winehouse took a cab home but couldn't pay for it. Anybody got a tenner? [TMZ]
  
• George Clooney is putting pressure on Olympic supplier Omega watches to make a stand against China's lax Darfur policy. This gossip column calls it the Sexiest Scolding Alive. [Rush & Molloy]

• Britney Spears is all anime in her new video for "Break The Ice." She looks kind of like she could be Sailor Moon's mom. [People]
• Audrina from The Hills will join the Pussycat Dolls on stage in Vegas to celebrate the new season of her show. Don't you wish your girlfriend was marginally-famous like me? [People]
• Nick Lachey will executive producing a pilot for an MTV reality show that's a version of the '80s show and movie Fame. The show will focus on students at the School for Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati, Lachey's alma mater. I wanna live forever, I wanna learn how to fly: High. [People]
• Neil Patrick Harris on Britney's role on his show, How I Met Your Mother: "I was shocked that Madame Spears was willing to come and do some acting... What if she shows up on set and she is absolutely, totally normal and that whole thing has been a big ruse?" [ET]
• Lisa Kudrow is remaking a British TV show called Who Do You Think You Are in which celebrities delve into their ancestry. Genealogy TV? Genius! [The Sun]
• John Mayer keeps Xanax on hand just in case: "There are these incidental kinds of loopholes in my brain, where the wires can cross for a second and the hard drive crashes," he explains. [Page Six]
• Owen Wilson jumped across a pool (?!) at a party in Miami, but when a photographer snapped a shot of the actor, Owen flipped and yelled at the guy to "erase those pictures right now." The event photographer complied but says, "A lot of friends and clients were there and that looked so bad for me." [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan's father Michael has criticized Dina for for having a reality show, but he's been pitching a male version of The View with fellow born-again Stephen Baldwin. So far, no takers; wonder why! [Page Six]
• Does Paula Abdul hate sweets? She went to dinner with five friends; they ordered dessert; Paula had the desserts sent back to the kitchen. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which middle-age Lothario famous for playing a small-screen love interest has been using his renewed fame to land very young women? One recent hookup was all of 16 years old." [Gatecrasher]
• During her induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Madonna was forced to watch footage of her career in a retrospective. "Oh, look at my eyebrows," she sighed. "Oh, stop, stop!" [Rush & Molloy]
• Is Madonna's new song about Guy Ritchie? Lyrics: "You love me more miles apart/I love you, but we are at our best miles away/When you are gone you realise I'm the best thing that happened to you." [Mirror]
• Andy Dick, reeking of booze and groping girls? Just like old times! It's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. [Rush & Molloy]
• Ivanka Trump says that story about sending someone to polish the nails of her wax figure is total bullshit, since she doesn't even have a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's. How do these rumors get started? Is Ashton Kutcher behind it all? [TMZ]
• The Insider's Pat O'Brien: Out of rehab. [TMZ]
• Was America's Next Top Model winner Jaslene denied entrance to a Snoop Dogg party? Fo shizzle. [TMZ]
• Ugh, is Kathie Lee Gifford going to be the new co-host of the 10:00 hour of the Today show? Yuck. Say it ain't so. [TMZ]
• Josh Hartnett went to go see DJ AM spin at a club in New York but discovered that he was two weeks late. Did he stay to hang out with some girls and have drinks anyway? You bet. [Page Six]
• Cameron Diaz and Jason Patric star in a new Nick Cassavetes flick in which a former district attorney (Diaz) and her fireman husband (Patric) who are sued by their 13-year-old daughter (Abigail Breslin) for emancipation. [Reuters]
• Actress Samantha Morton told a court she lived in terror of a childhood friend who began stalking her. Damn, this woman has been through a lot. [Mirror]
• Jodie Foster: Also has a stalker, who mailed a bomb threat to an L.A. airport. Jeez. [Reuters]
• Elizabeth Hurley quit movies, but you probably didn't notice, since she admits "I really do very little film work at all." [The Times Of India]
• Girls Gone Wild douche Joe Francis goes to court in Florida today regarding filming underage girls. Will he get the book thrown at him? [Page Six]
• Here's a picture of Beyoncé in a blonde wig, playing Etta James in the film Cadillac Records. [Mirror]
• Ginger Spice helped saved the life of a girl in a coma by singing to her! Jessica Knight, 14, had been stabbed 30 times; Geri Halliwell sang to her and Jessica started moving her arms and legs. The next day, she opened her eyes. Girl powah! [Sydney Morning Herald]

L to R: Katherine wrap, $140; Jackie tube top, $42; Leggings, $48 / Jillian dress, $145 / Maura top, $85

Verdict: I like to wear leggings around my apartment. But even I wouldn't match them with a tube top; Why wear a burlap sack when you can wear a jersey sack? If your milkshake doesn't bring all the boys to the yard, you can always just show them your boobs.

L to R: Sophia dress, $145; London top, $100; Audrina dress, $150

Verdict: So when are you due? What? You're not pregnant? Sorry; Nouveau Flashdance; The poor man's Rami Kashou!

L to R: Britton top, $94; Bree tank, $75; Nicole skirt, $85

Verdict: How Contempo Casuals ca. 1993; Seriously, you can buy this but nicer at Target. Words I never thought I would say: A cheaper Amy Winehouse.

L to R: Whitney dress, $170; Natonia dresss, $150

Verdict: LC must not like Whitney very much as this is by far the ugliest look of the lot; This is probably your best bet of all the pieces, even though it cannot be worn by those with actual breasts.

US
Britney is SICK! Declares the cover, showing Brit with her broke-ass weave and hideously unflattering Halloween costume. Inside we learn that Spears got straight Fs on the Parenting Report Card graded by her court-appointed parenting coach because her home life is "chaotic." A "confidant" thinks Brit is suffering from adult onset ADD or postpartum depression. Us then provides a handy chart delineating the signs of mental illness for those of us not already convinced that Brit is batshit. In Hills news, the axis of evil known as Spencer Pratt is allegedly shopping a sex tape "under the guise that it had been 'stolen.'" The tape shows Pratt n' pals hooking up with a bunch of Brazilian hussies. Later, Audrina catches JustinBobby making out with a redhead at L.A. club Opera and has since begun dating Australian pro BMXer Corey Bohan. Also inside: did Katie Holmes run the marathon without a bra (but with lipstick and eyeshadow)? Are Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson really dating? "Did Brad Get Dissed by Barak?" Are Christina Applegate and ex-husband Johnathon Schaech back together? What is the meaning of life?
Grade: C- (cold mac n' cheese the next morning)

Life & Style
Angelina's Sexy Kiss With Another Man! chastises the cover (and hey look, they went back to the old logo!) though inside we learn that her kiss was part of a scene with Scotsman James McAvoy for her upcoming movie Wanted. It's called ACTING, people. But we are reminded that Angie has a history of boning her costars, as she hooked up with Brad and exes Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller on set. Allegedly Brad is jealous of her steamy scene and also of her hot new bodyguard, another Scottish bloke named Billy. Britney's mom gives L&S an exclusive interview in which she says "I blame myself," for Britney's erratic behavior. It's kind of a bummer! In addition: Bennifer v. 2.0 is purportedly feeling the strain of their busy schedules, as Jennifer Garner is in New York acting in a revival of Cyrano and Ben is on the road promoting his directorial debut Gone Baby Gone. As a result, Ben's been hitting the sauce pretty hard again. Finally, there is a spread of Jennifer Aniston high school photos where she sports sweatpants and also her old nose.
Grade: D+ (cinnamon raisin bagel dug out of the garbage)

OK!
The cover shows adorable Jayden James and Sean Preston saying "Mommy We Miss You!" The "two forgotten princes of Malibu" are left in the car while Brit goes chandelier shopping and she never lets them have playdates with other, possible more hygienic children. An interview with "the anti-Britney" Carrie Underwood reveals that she loves the bad boys and enjoys drinking Coors beer, long walks on the beach and dolphins. "They're like giant, rubbery, wet dogs!" Kate Hudson and Orlando Bloom sucked face at her Halloween party (in front of ex-boyfriend Dax!!) but they're not really dating. Tyra Banks is dating a 50-year-old banker named John Utendahl, and his buddies are not pleased with Ty Ty's divaness. "Tyra insisted his friends delete iPhone pics they had taken as a group because she hadn't been styled!"
Grade: D (warm cottage cheese and prunes)

In Touch
Tom's still keeping secrets from Katie, the cover tells us. A new book by Andrew Morton (of Lady Di bio fame) exposing Tom's "deepest demons" is hitting bookstores next January. Katie is worried that Suri's paternity might be questioned by Morton because the alien baby's birth certificate was not signed until 20 days after she was born. In addition, Morton explores the gay innuendos that have plagued Tom since his marriage to Mimi Rogers, who had said he was celibate during their union. The book also rehashes the old rumor that Katie auditioned to be Tom's beard... er, wife, along with fellow starlets Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth and alleges that Tom's past relationships were "photo opportunities" rather than "romances." In Touch carries details of the fracas at Oprah's South African academy. Disgraced school matron Tiny Makopo reportedly "grabbed a student by the throat and threw her against the wall." Also inside: George Clooney and Fabio got in a fistfight at Madeo in West Hollywood over some photos being taken by Fabio's party. Clooney asked one of Fabio's companions to stop taking pictures, and Fabio told George to "Stop being a diva." Zing! A scuffle ensued between George and Fabio but waiters broke it up before it got too intense. The Olsen twins had a garage sale and made a cool $25,000 off their homeless chic cast-offs.
Grade: C (peanut butter and jelly on untoasted Wonderbread)

Star
The cover asks whether Angelina and her bodyguard have become "too close?" Bodyguard Billy (no one knows his last name!) escorted Ange to a screening of A Mighty Heart. A friend of the couple says that Angelina "finds [Billy] attractive and she's reacting to it. She's flirtatious. She's a sexual creature." Britney's ashamed of her childhood because she grew up poor, says mom Lynne's forthcoming book. Also, her break-up with Justin was scheduled. According to a family insider, apparently things had been in decline for a while and towards the end, both Timberlake and Spears were using their bond for publicity. Finally, Lynne is in dire financial straits because Brit stopped giving her money. Helena Bonham Carter farted during a sex scene with Paul Bettany while filming The Heart of Me. Star also links Shia LaBeouf's recent Walgreens arrest to his break-up with Rihanna. Shia is allegedly insane with jealousy over her new relationship with Josh Hartnett.
Grade: D- (possibly rancid leftover General Tso's)