Introduction

The interpretation of your astrology chart begins on the following page.

You will find that the interpretation of your chart is written in simple language, uncluttered by astrological jargon. If a statement appears to contradict another statement, then you exhibit these opposite qualities at different times in your life. For example, a statement that you are highly sociable and gregarious and a statement that you prefer solitude seemingly contradict each other; this means that you vacillate, and need both sociability and solitude at different times.

The astrological factor that the interpretation is based on is also given. The astrological factor is given for the benefit of astrologers and students of astrology. If you are not a student of astrology, then obviously the factor will not be meaningful to you, and you can ignore it.

If you find this interpretation of your birth chart interesting and informative, you might want to discuss your birth chart with a professional astrologer to learn more about the astrological influences on your life.

Planetary Positions, Aspects, and Orbs

Your birth chart interpretation is based on the positions of the planets at the time of your birth. For the benefit of students of astrology, these positions, along with other technical information, are listed below:

Sun 29 Gem 17 Pluto 9 Vir 47
Moon 27 Gem 41 N. Node 20 Can 28
Mercury 7 Gem 52 Asc. 21 Gem 38
Venus 10 Gem 23 MC 26 Aqu 45
Mars 9 Vir 26 2nd cusp 12 Can 18
Jupiter 15 Ari 47 3rd cusp 2 Leo 43
Saturn 22 Aqu 51 5th cusp 28 Vir 44
Uranus 1 Vir 57 6th cusp 10 Sco 21
Neptune 13 Sco 11

Tropical Placidus Daylight Savings Time observed

Aspects and orbs:
Conjunction : 7 Deg 00 Min Trine : 5 Deg 00 Min
Opposition : 5 Deg 00 Min Sextile : 4 Deg 00 Min
Square : 5 Deg 00 Min Quincunx : 3 Deg 00 Min
Conjunct Asc : 3 Deg 00 Min Above, 5 Deg 00 Min Below

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

The following is a description of your basic stance towards life, the way others see you, the way you come across, the face you show to the world. In Chapter 3 you will read about the "The Inner You: Your Real Motivation", which describes the kind of person you are at heart and where your true priorities lie. Read this chapter and the next one and compare them - there may be significant differences between them, in which case "the inner you" may not shine through and others are in for some surprises when they get to know you at a more than superficial level. This chapter describes the costume you wear, your role in life, while Chapter 3 talks about the real person inside the costume.

Gemini Rising:

You are always questioning and learning, and you seem young and alive no matter what your chronological age, for your mind is always alert, curious, flexible and open to new experiences. You have a childlike enthusiasm for anything new and you learn easily, but you also get bored rather quickly. You can be something of a scatterbrain, for you tend to have so many ideas and irons in the fire that it is hard to keep track of them all. You need and crave variety, change, mental stimulation, and an active social life.

Articulate, clever, often funny and witty, you are always a refreshing and interesting conversationalist. You enjoy meeting and interacting with a variety of different people. You are friendly, flirtatious, and charming in a light, playful way, and no matter how badly you may be feeling, you never appear heavy or somber. You may seem frivolous to other, more serious souls. You have a sense of humor and a sense of perspective that prevents you from taking yourself or life too seriously. In fact, you may seem flippant or unconcerned about matters that others consider very important.

In general, you respond to life mentally and objectively rather than emotionally, and you may not empathize with people very much. You do not like to be weighed down with too much responsibility or with others' emotional burdens. Furthermore, if you cannot UNDERSTAND something reasonably and logically, then very often you would prefer to ignore it, including your own and other people's irrational feelings, desires, and needs.

Consistency and reliability are not great virtues of yours and your life is apt to be full of changes and movement due to your restlessness. You become nervous and fidgety if things are not moving quickly enough. You are interested in what is current and up-to-date, the newest trends in thought or style.

Your gifts are a quick mind, verbal facility, a flair for language, social sophistication and polish, the ability to communicate, converse, and build bridges between people and between ideas. You tend to become an incessant chatterbox or gossip if you do not have work or other activities that utilize your mental, verbal, and social skills.

Saturn Trine Asc.:

To others, you appear capable, mature, and down to earth. Even when you were young, there was a certain practicality and responsibleness about you that inspired people to rely on you. You keep your cool in most situations.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation

Ascendant in Gemini and Sun in Gemini:

The way you appear or come across to others is very congruent with your true nature so "what you see is what you get". The description below reinforces what you read about yourself in the previous chapter.

Sun in Gemini:

You are, in many ways, an eternal child. Your mind is bright, alert, curious, flexible, playful, and always eager for new experiences - and your attention span is often quite brief. You grasp ideas quickly and once your initial curiosity has been satisfied, you want to go on to something else. You crave frequent change, variety, meeting new situations and people.

It may be hard for you to decide just where your talents and true vocation lie, for you have a multitude of interests and are loathe to limit yourself by concentrating on just one. You are easily distracted by all of the other fascinating possibilities. Your curiosity and restlessness propel you into many different experiences in life, and you are willing to taste or try anything once. Doing the same thing over and over again, even it is something you do well, is real drudgery for you.

You live in your head a great deal - reading, observing, thinking, spinning ideas around - and you need mental stimulation every bit as much as you need food and drink. In fact, if you had to choose between a good book or movie and a good lunch, you would very likely choose the former. You have a creative mind and often live by your wits.

You are also a very social creature, with a strong need to communicate and to interact with people. You enjoy using and playing with words and have a real flair for getting your ideas across in a clever, interesting, articulate manner. Writing or speaking are areas you have talent for.

You also have a rather light and mischievous sense of humor, and often do not take anything too seriously. Though you crave emotional involvement, it is hard for you to achieve it, for you are frequently unwilling to commit yourself to anything, to take responsibility, or to limit your personal freedom and mobility.

Your happiness lies in using your creativity and your language skills to communicate something meaningful, to teach, inspire, or bring people together. You have an unbiased mind and can usually offer a fresh, clear, uncluttered perspective. Your faults are your lack of constancy and persistence, and your tendency to overlook or ignore deep emotional issues and other people's feelings.

Sun in 1st house:

You have a clear sense of yourself and therefore convey a strong impression to others of who you are and what you want. Assertive and self-motivated, you can be a leader - one whom others look to for direction - but you compete and often clash with other strong individuals. You feel a need to be in control of your own life and you can be too self-involved, too immersed in your own interests, and oblivious to others at times.

Sun Conjunct Moon:

The above description of you is so deeply ingrained that you have little objectivity and often little appreciation for other, different ways of approaching life. You tend to be one-sided. There is little ambiguity in your makeup and you generally know what you want and what will make you happy.

Sun Sextile Uranus:

You are an original! You radiate a sort of electrical excitement about the things you are interested in, and convey this to others, but you get bored rather quickly also. You don't mind being a bit unusual or breaking a few rules either.

Sun Conjunct Mercury/N. Node

You have a strong need for intellectual contacts and associations and like to share your intellectual interests with others. This could be in meetings or by joining various clubs and organizations.

Sun Conjunct Venus/N. Node

You are polite and gallant and make a special effort to meet others half-way. You have the ability to give and receive love. Nurturing friendships, personal love relationships and social life is important to you.

Sun Conjunct Jupiter/Pluto

You are capable of extraordinary physical or mental efforts to gain success and achieve something that will bring you recognition and respect. You have a strong need for authority and power over others and are likely to perform better in a leading position.

Section 3: Your Elemental Nature

Your fundamental needs, values, and orientation towards life are symbolized by the four astrological elements. Each person has their own unique balance of these four basic energies: fire (warmth, inspiration, enthusiasm), earth (practicality, realism, material interests), air (social and intellectual qualities), and water (emotional needs and feelings).

Your "elemental make-up" is described below. Remember that most people are "unbalanced" or lopsided, and if you are lacking or deficient in a certain element (or elements), it simply means that you need to consciously develop that aspect of yourself to learn to appreciate and/or to work harder in that dimension of life.

Sometimes we overvalue the element that we are least endowed with, sensing it as a lack within ourselves, but more often we neglect or ignore it. The qualities described below will be reiterated and explained in more detail in the following chapters.

Air Element is Strong (F,E,A,W Scores = 2,6,40,1):

You have a great capacity to relate to, appreciate, and understand different people and points of view, and you tend to be quite liberal in your attitudes. You are primarily a thinking person who requires much intellectual and social stimulation, conversation, and interaction. You comprehend abstract reasoning and concepts very quickly and like ideas, language, and culture. You can't imagine being happy in a world without books, films, or interesting companions.

There is an androgynous quality to you, and you relate equally well to men and women, having both male and female characteristics in nearly equal measure yourself. You tend to see someone as a person first, rather than identifying them solely with their gender.

Friendship is very important to your sense of well-being. You thrive on camaraderie, teamwork, social participation and sharing. However, you are also quite objective about them and there is often a touch of impersonality or detachment to your relations with others.

Your mind is your real gift: thinking clearly, logically, and creatively, planning and organizing efficiently, and communicating intelligently. However, you tend to live in your head - reading about, talking about, and observing life without becoming completely immersed in it. Avoid becoming a dabbler. You need to develop constancy, stability, and depth.

Fire is Weak (F,E,A,W Scores = 2,6,40,1):

You are likely to be overly humble or unsure of yourself and to look to others for inspiration, motivation, reinforcement, and approval. Tending to be somewhat passive, you must learn how to take initiative and motivate yourself.

A lack of warmth (either physically, emotionally, or both) may be evident in you, which can show itself physically as a low energy level, paleness and lack of color in the skin, or a tendency to be easily chilled, and emotionally as a marked coolness or aloofness with little spiritedness, joyfulness, or enthusiasm for living. Eating warming, spicy foods, living in a warm, sunny place, and using fire in your daily life (lighting candles, using a wood stove or fireplace for heat) can help balance you. Also, spending time with warm, cheerful, positive-minded people and developing a philosophy based on spiritual optimism can stir up your own zest of life.

Positively, you are unlikely to be egocentric and have a capacity for great patience and peacefulness.

Water is Weak (F,E,A,W Scores = 2,6,40,1):

You have difficulty dealing with your own and others' emotions. Feelings and the emotional reality of a situation are often ignored or discounted by you and you may thus seem insensitive or uncaring to others. Deep emotional rapport, empathy, compassion, and sensitivity to the feelings of others is something that you need to develop, and will be in more evidence later in life rather than in your youth.

Though you may appear emotionally self-sufficient or above it all, your denied feelings can result in physical problems, so it is wise and important for you to learn to acknowledge and express all of your emotions.

You may also find that you crave a great deal of liquid, or to live near bodies of water, as a way to gain balance.

Section 4: Mental Interests and Abilities

Mercury in Gemini:

You have an extremely active, lively and versatile mind with a multitude of interests and an inexhaustible curiosity about life. You are quick to grasp new concepts and equally quick to lose interest in an idea or project once your curiosity has been satisfied. You like to taste a little bit of everything -concentration and disciplined study are not your strong points. Mentally restless, you may change jobs or locations frequently, or do work that involves movement, travel, and variety.

You have a flair for language, playing with words, speaking, writing, or teaching in an entertaining and informative way. You also enjoy meeting new people, conversing and learning a little bit about them, and you work well with the public.

Sales, advertising, communications, journalism, or public relations are good areas for you. Your ability to be articulate and to communicate well is one of your greatest strengths.

Mercury in 12th house:

You don't speak up readily, even when you have a lot to say! Also, your mind tends to drift and you find it difficult to study very factual material that doesn't have much color or imaginative appeal. Your intuition and first impressions are likely to be quite accurate, however, and you tend to depend upon this faculty in making decisions.

Mercury Conjunct Venus:

You appreciate aesthetics and have a fine sense of form, design, and beauty. You could develop considerable technical skill as an artist, designer, craftsman, or creative writer. You could also sell objects of beauty - artistic products, cosmetics, jewelry, etc.

You have the ability to please and harmonize well with others and tend to ameliorate relationships between people. Your sense of humor, tact, and personal charm are of great benefit to you in any work with people on a one-to-one level.

Mercury aspects Venus and Mars:

Although your tact was commented on above, you can also be very direct, even brutally frank, in the way you communicate, as mentioned below.

Mercury Square Mars:

Argumentative and rather aggressive and critical in discussions, you tend to turn any conversation into a debate, and sometimes a verbal war. You could be a spokesman for a righteous cause, a lawyer vigorously defending a client, a sharp analyst or critic. You are a convincing speaker, but are not especially receptive to the ideas and opinions of others. You have a forceful intellect and an aptitude for mental work.

Mercury Square Pluto:

Never satisfied with the face value of anything, you are always probing beneath the surface for deeper reasons and hidden motives - though you rarely reveal your own. You have a very suspicious, even paranoid, side. You mind is penetrating and deep and you have an aptitude for research, investigative reporting, or private investigation. You are keenly interested in the deeper aspects of the human psyche, with a sort of "x-ray vision" regarding the inner motivations and intentions of others. You are drawn to anything secret, hidden, or mysterious, and may pursue esoteric or occult studies. You are also a forceful and convincing speaker or writer, with the ability to influence people's thinking by the sheer power of your conviction.

Section 5: Emotions: Moods, Feelings, Romance

Moon in Gemini:

You do not appear to be an intensely emotional or sentimental person, and you are often unaware of your own or other people's deeper feelings and emotional needs. Tears and tantrums bewilder you and make you very uncomfortable. You would rather settle differences by talking things out reasonably and rationally, but you tend to ignore or poke fun at any attempt to probe your own or others' inner depths.

You avoid heavy, demanding emotional involvement and are wary of making personal commitments.

You need plenty of mental stimulation and you feel close to people with whom you can share thoughts and mental interests. Conversation is very important to you. The strong, silent type of partner is not for you.

Moon in 1st house:

You have a soft exterior and tend to relate very personally and sympathetically to other people. However, you sometimes let your emotions overpower your reasoning and logic, and consequently you are sometimes biased in your opinions. You are impressionable and rather gentle, or at least that is the way you appear. Your feelings are on the surface and you can not hide your emotions.

Moon Trine Saturn:

You have an inner poise and balance that enables you to act in a cool, efficient manner during emotional traumas and stress. You keep perspective and objectivity about highly charged emotional issues - sometimes to the chagrin of others who might wish that you would react more intensely. You are quietly supportive and faithful to your friends and loved ones.

Moon Conjunct Mercury/N. Node

Your interaction with others has an emotional overtone and you have a strong desire to share your feelings with others. Your circle of friends is likely to be large and you enjoy many pleasant meeting with them.

Moon Conjunct Mars/Jupiter

You are very intuitive and have the ability to make the right decisions guided by you inner feelings. You have a sense of honor and pride and are considerate of others. Others respect you and are willing to help you, because you don't act out of petty motives.

Moon Conjunct Jupiter/Pluto

You have a very rich emotional life and the ability to do the right thing at the right moment. Through an appeal to the feelings, you are able to influence the public; you may have the desire to work in some capacity to bring about social improvements.

Venus in Gemini:

In love, you are more interested in a person's sense of humor and intelligence than in their physique. You like a partner who is mentally alive and who keeps you guessing a little bit, and you become restless and bored with someone who never asks questions, never changes or surprises you. Talking, sharing ideas, going places together, and learning new things together is very important to your happiness. You need lots of social stimulation, are something of a flirt, and like to have many friends of both sexes. A possessive, jealous partner is very stifling for you.

Venus in 12th house:

You often hide your affection, or find your feelings difficult to express or get across to the person you love. Being openly affectionate and trusting often doesn't seem safe to you. You may feel your love won't be appreciated or reciprocated. You may get involved in secret love affairs or fall in love with a person who is quite unavailable to you. Love and sacrifice often seem to go hand in hand for you - having to give something up to be with the one you love, or having to relinquish some person or some aspect of an important love relationship.

Venus Square Mars:

You are intensely amorous and attractive to the opposite sex, and are not inclined to friendly platonic relationships. There is much tension in your love life - often because you put your desires ahead of your partner's, and are impatient about having your love needs satisfied. The whole arena of love, romance, and sex is endlessly fascinating for you and you are not happy without a love partner. You can "burn yourself out" by pouring so much of your energy into romance.

Venus Quincunx Neptune:

It is absolutely essential for you not to deceive yourself when it comes to love, romance, or the true nature of other people. You tend to be in love with love, and can be incredibly naive and easily seduced. Confusion, disappointments, and regrettable mistakes in both emotional and financial matters may result. On the other hand, it is also possible you will use your attractiveness or charm to deceive others. Clarity, directness, honesty, and realism regarding romantic love and people in general, need to be developed.

Venus Square Pluto:

You experience powerful, compelling emotional and sexual attractions, and you may feel that you have little choice or control over your desires. You have an intense need for love and may be emotionally greedy or insatiable. Your love life is passionate and often tumultuous and painful as well. Jealousy, power struggles, or possessiveness can become areas of conflict in your relationships. Positively, you can be unusually creative and bring about beneficial and healing changes in the lives of others, motivated by your deeply felt love.

Section 6: Drive and Ambition: How You Achieve Your Goals

Mars in Virgo:

You are a perfectionist and have high standards for your own work. You often feel that if you want something done right you must do it yourself, for others do not do as thorough a job as you do. Doing a task well is very important to you, and you may labor over minute details that others wouldn't bother with. You strive for accuracy, efficiency, and precision, and you become very irritable when things are not done "right".

On the other hand, you can become so much of a perfectionist and so self-critical that you will not even attempt many activities and projects, feeling that your efforts simply won't be good enough. You are usually modest and realistic in assessing what you can accomplish and, if anything, you underestimate yourself. Of course, practice makes perfect, and if you do apply yourself diligently in some area, you gradually gain self-confidence as you master skills and develop expertise.

You conserve your energy and pace yourself so that you do not waste or diffuse your efforts. An unwillingness to take risks or venture from the beaten track can sometimes limit your opportunities. In short, you may not aim high enough and settle for too little in life.

Mars in 4th house:

It is not easy for you to show the world at large your angry or competitive side, but your family sees this side of you more often. Temper tantrums, tumultuous family relationships, or a great deal of competition between you and one or more of your relations is likely. You like to be the one in charge in your home and you put a lot of energy into making it the way you want it.

Mars Sextile Neptune:

Unlike some who have hopes and fantasies, you are a person who tries to live out these dreams, no matter how impractical or fantastic they seem. You have a quixotic, idealistic streak. You may be more inspired to work for some higher cause than simply for your own personal achievement.

Mars Conjunct Pluto:

When you want something, you go after it with passionate zeal and are sometimes so driven by your desire that you lose all objectivity. You get so deeply involved in whatever you are pursuing that you become one-sided, even fanatical. Strong-willed and stubborn, you insist on having your way no matter the cost. You are fascinated with power. You often try to overpower anything or anyone you perceive as an obstacle, if not physically then by the force of your will. You can be ruthless and impersonal when it comes to achieving your ambitions and goals in life. You have enormous energy and are capable of extraordinary effort and great achievement. You can also become a compulsive workaholic.

MC Conjunct Saturn:

Your role in life is apt to be one of great responsibility and you take your tasks very seriously. A certain heaviness weighs on you because of this. You may have been unusually ambitious or mature at a tender age. You advance and attain your aspirations through dedication and perseverance, rather than fortune.

Sun Trine MC:

Happiness and fulfillment in your career are likely, because you give your all to it and will not make the sorts of compromises that others feel compelled to make in order to succeed. Self-expression and being your own person are very important to you.

Enormous aid is apt to come to you through your father or another important man in your life. Your relations with superiors and those in a position to boost your career are usually excellent.

Moon Trine MC:

Your career is apt to involve protecting, caring, nurturing, or "mothering" in some aspect. Home, family relationships, cherishing the past, continuing a tradition are also featured. You're apt to be quite popular through your profession or business.

MC Opposition Mercury/Neptune

Your inner life tends to be full of imagination and you are likely to have far-reaching ideas and plans. Peace-loving and generous, you are very sharing in your relation with others. But you also could become the victim of unintentional slights.

MC Opposition Venus/Neptune

Your disposition could seem a bit strange to others and you have a tendency to lose yourself in illusions. You have a very dreamy nature and are inclined to fantasize about erotic and sexual situations.

Section 7: Growth and Expansion: Areas That You Enjoy

Jupiter in Aries:

You believe strongly in the power of positivity and in each individual's ability to make life anything desired through one's own initiative and effort. The more you rely on yourself, the better you feel, and you find it difficult to ask for or accept outside help. The joy of competing (and especially winning!) runs deep in you.

Jupiter in 11th house:

You have good fortune working with groups, organizations, and others who share your ideals. You go further if you unite your efforts with others, as in clubs, networks, or civic associations. Social improvement, or benefiting your community is very important to you.

Jupiter Quincunx Neptune:

You are prone to impractical dreams and schemes and quixotic visions of what could be. If your plans are too farfetched or grandiose, they are apt to never be realized. Even if other factors in your chart indicate that you are a well-grounded, realistic person, you still have this unfettered imagination which sometimes runs away with you. Occasionally you can be duped.

Jupiter Conjunct Mercury/Saturn

You have a serious and structured perception of reality, are able to concentrate well, and you do everything in a methodical way. Very thorough and industrious, you work hard towards the accumulation of possessions and property.

Jupiter Conjunct Venus/Saturn

You are likely to keep more to yourself and seem to be happier by yourself than being with other people. You prefer a simple way of life and could get married to someone with considerable difference in age.

Section 8: Areas That Challenge You Or Are Difficult For You

Saturn in Aquarius:

You have an innate distrust of groups and/or a cynical attitude toward society that may leave you feeling out of step and unable to participate in activities with your peers. Overcoming a sense of aloofness and alienation from others is an important task for you.

Saturn in 9th house:

Your attitude toward religion, philosophy, and politics is very conservative and possibly narrow or rigid. On the one hand, you may believe in nothing that is speculative or intangible, requiring proof for any idea presented to you. Each idea is thoroughly and systematically examined. On the other hand, you may tenaciously cling to your grand philosophical or metaphysical beliefs and opinions, refusing to modify them or to be open and receptive to others' insights and perspectives.

Your overall outlook on life is serious, and you may feel that life or God will punish you if you do not watch your step!

Now we will discuss patterns of behavior which you instinctively and habitually revert to when under stress - a mostly unconscious process and one which you are apt to overdo because it is so familiar and thus easy for you. The direction you need to follow in order to develop balance, greater awareness, and wholeness is also described.

N. Node in Cancer:

When under stress you are apt to close down the flow of your emotions, ignoring your needs and feelings in order to do what you perceive as your duty or simply what the practical realities of the situation require. This can lead to a certain rigidity and hardness. If overdone, self-control, self-discipline, or an exaggerated concern over what society, family or others expect of you makes life more a burden than an adventure.

Developing tenderness, caring, feeling, and the feminine, nurturing aspects of yourself is an important step in your unfolding. You need to learn how to nourish and lovingly attend to both yourself and others. Letting yourself be taken care of sometimes is okay!

N. Node in 2nd house:

The arena you are most likely to wrestle with these issues is in your dealings with money, financial security, tangible assets and possessions. The qualities described above are ones you need to integrate in tangible ways: how you make a living, building assets and a secure material base, what you do with the resources you have. Try to avoid overinvolvement or entanglements with other people's money matters, legal business, and personal affairs.

N. Node Conjunct Mercury/Uranus

You co-operate well with others and have the ability to give and receive stimulating suggestions. You are always receptive to new ideas and ready for spontaneous group efforts. You seem to have an instant recall of things and are likely to act just as quickly.

N. Node Conjunct Venus/Uranus

Your feelings are heightened when you are with others and you have the ability to open up to them and show your feeling without reservation. Lead by your instincts, you are likely to have many spontaneous contacts with other people.

Section 9: Originality and Imagination Areas Where You Are Creative, Unique, Unstable, or Compulsive

Uranus in 4th house:

Your childhood or your relationship with your parents was unsettling or unstable in some way, so that you may never have felt that you had firm ground beneath your feet. One of your parents may have been unusual, eccentric, or an inconstant influence in your life. Abrupt changes in location or in family relationships may have made you feel insecure, but positively you were given more freedom and less pressure to conform to conventions, which enables you to be more of an individual and less tethered to restrictive ideas of how one "should" behave, feel, or live.

Neptune in 6th house:

You have a sensitive physique and may have allergic responses and sensitivities to foods, medicines, or anything you take in from the environment. Emotional stress and confusion seem to affect you physically, even more quickly than they affect other people.

Pluto in 4th house:

There was much that was hidden or secret in your childhood home, and you absorbed a sense of shame or a feeling that you need to hide and protect who you are from others. One of your parents had an especially intense bond to you and profoundly influenced you, perhaps dominated or controlled you in subtle ways. Unlocking the secrets of the past, and learning to be intimate and close to others without controlling or being controlled are issues for you.

Uranus Conjunct Neptune/Asc.

You tend to submit to other people's wishes too easily and put their needs before your own. At times you may suddenly realize their underhanded motives and find out that they were only trying to deter you from the pursuit of your objectives.

Neptune Opposition Mercury/Jupiter

You are very imaginative and well inspired, but have a tendency to think that nothing can defeat you. You may take foolish risks by misleading or deceiving other people with schemes that you know to be dishonest.

Neptune Opposition Venus/Jupiter

You tend to seek eternal happiness and have only beautiful images in your mind. You overlook the very real aspects of life and may fall in love with someone because he or she is so perfect. But afterwards, you may have difficulty accepting their faults and end up being disappointed.

Section 10: Generational Influences: Your Age Group

In this chapter we will discuss characteristics and traits of your generation. Of course, you may not share all of the characteristics of your generation, but you are greatly affected by the tone that is set by your generation.

The first topic is "The Subconscious and Emotional Drive of Your Age Group". In this section we will describe a deeply felt urge, even compulsion, of your age group. This deeply felt drive comes to the surface with great force and power, and consequently leaves in its wake considerable upheaval and change. The second topic is "The Ideals and Illusions of Your Age Group", that describes the dreams, fantasies, and spiritual aspirations of your age group. The third and last topic is "What is New and Different in Your Age Group", which describes areas in which your age group tends to be innovative, inventive, unusual, and also where it may be unstable and unreliable.

The characteristics described below may affect a group of people for anywhere from a few years to about 30 years. There are one or more different astrological factors described in each of the three sections below.

The Subconscious and Emotional Drive of Your Age Group

Pluto in Virgo:

You are part of a 15 year group of people that are driven by the need to find an ethical standard and a clear sense of what is right and what is wrong. There is a subconscious drive to straighten out all the world's evils and create a world of perfect order. There is a feeling of repulsion to anything ugly, dirty, or grotesque. Oddly enough, there is also often a fascination with these very things that are so distasteful, and often a feeling of hopelessness and despair about the world's condition.

These inner, emotional and conflicting qualities are reflected in the attitudes and life styles of your generation. Most people of your age group are conservative and ethical, and a small minority goes to the opposite extreme and relishes being strange or unusual in appearance, and sloppy or even grotesque in manners and appearance. There seems to be no middle ground for your generation. Usually, the rebellious type of behavior comes out during adolescence, and tends to subside thereafter, and your age group tends to be very conservative in later life.

Your age group is not very good at compromising and tends to have strong ideas about what is right and what is wrong. There is a strong feeling that you must extinguish evil in the world. Certainly, fostering good works is very commendable, but a categorical and simple-minded response to complex issues is not helpful. Your age group will undergo great transformations in attitudes regarding Good and Evil and will swing to great extremes. Your generation will also make great contributions in the areas of medicine and nutrition, ecology, and education.

The Ideals and Illusions of Your Age Group

Neptune in Scorpio:

You are part of a 14 year group of people that have very intense psychic sensitivity and imagination. Your age group is very attracted to the strange, weird, and unusual. The sense of the macabre and bizarre is strong, and this is reflected in much of the music, art, and fashions of your age group. Novels and movies with mystery and chilling suspense are also popular with your age group. Emotional depression, drug use, and suicide are likely to be relatively high in your age group. There is also a deep mystical sense, and Eastern religions and meditation are very attractive to your age group.

Neptune Sextile Pluto:

The entire generation to which you belong has tremendous opportunities for spiritual rebirth and awakening. This will not be forced upon you or precipitated by unavoidable events, rather it comes from an inner yearning and a natural propensity to seek the depths.

What is New and Different in Your Age Group

Uranus in Virgo:

You are part of a 7 year group of people who employ their skills and creativity to bring about a great deal of practical reform in education, medical care, and other social services. Your innovations are not radical or unusual, but they are usually effective.

Your generation also has a curious mixture of both conservative, ethical people, and rebellious, disruptive people. There seems to be little middle ground for your age group, and you swing to one extreme or the other. The conservative people strive to reinstate strict moral standards, want to swiftly punish criminal behavior, and strive to highlight the importance of old-fashioned values in our lives, laws, and overall life style. On the other hand, the rebellious people of your generation are angry at the established way of doing things and act in a defiant, crude, and coarse manner.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Once upon a mid-Tuesday dreary, I came across a cat, wandering in the woods. "Cat," I said, "you do not belong here!" I said this, of course, because the cat was wearing a nametag that read "Sprinkles, 18 Parmesan Road," and Parmesan Road is approximately five miles from the woods. Quite a ways from home, this animal was! "Get back to your home," I demanded, and the cat obliged. Well, I think he did. He ran away, anyway. This is you, Aries. You need to get back to your home. You've gone off the rails a bit! You are Sprinkles in the woods. But do not fear! Your headstrong nature will help you find the right path. Famous Aries: Claire Danes (April 12)
Celebrity Who Will Annoy You This Month: Jon Gosselin.


Taurus (April 20-May 20): It's another month of hard work for you, Taurus. Like the dependable Ford model that borrowed your name for several years, you are reliable, practical, and not too flashy. You are like a camera without a flash, or a reformed pervert who wears a trenchcoat with clothing underneath. You see? The capacity for flash is there, but you reign it in, quite sensibly. You're like a pan with a non-stick surface. Except some of those are flashy. The Williams-Sonoma ones, for example. There's some flash in that pan! What was I talking about? Oh yes. September. It's going to be good month for you as long as you want it to be, Taurus. Your work ethic and good heart will power you through. Famous Taurus: Cate Blanchett (May 14)
Animal You Will See In Your Neighborhood This Month: Dog, possibly cat!


Gemini (May 21-June 20): My former best friend, Millie Wafflehausen, was as two-faced as they come. That's you, Gemini. You are a two-faced Millie Wafflehausen. It's not your fault: you are a complex being who can't always decide which side of yourself you like best. But unlike Millie, you can be a nice two-face: the dual nature of your personality allows for a multi-faceted life with many fun surprises. As long as you don't steal anyone's boyfriend like a certain tramp whose initials are M.W., your September will be filled with exciting adventures that suit both sides of your complex self. Love and happiness are yours for the taking! My boyfriend, Olivier, however, is not. You hear me, Wafflehausen? Famous Gemini: Heidi Klum (June 1)
Word You Will Use In A Sentence This Month: The


Cancer: (June 21-July 22) Cancer, why are you such a crab? Get it?! That's some astrological humor for you! I know. I know! I should go on tour. That's what everyone says. Are you still listening? Probably not, as you have a tendency to withdraw and begin daydreaming whenever you're anxious or irritated. Still mad? It's probably because this conversation hasn't focused on YOU yet. You're a kind soul, Cancer, but you can be a bit needy, and you don't like it when the world tries to bring you down. Due to the calamity filled newscycle, you've been in a bit of a mood all summer. But don't worry! Things will get better! Even for you, dear Crab. September will be filled with opportunities for brighter days, or at least better daydreams. Famous Cancer: Meryl Streep (June 22).
Vehicle You Will See On The Highway This Month: Car


Leo (July 23-August 22): My darling Olivier is a Leo! Leo, you should shower the love of your life in jewels and candies this month. It's your nature, after all, to be quite generous and a bit extravagant. The recession has put a bit of a damper on your typically opulent lifestyle, but you still find a way to share your generosity with others, through being a good and loyal friend. September will be a good month for you: not only will you strengthen relationships with loved ones, but fall sales will have you feeling like your old glamorous spendy self again! Famous Leo: Audrey Tautou (August 9)
Television Show You Will Hear About This Month: Project Runway


Virgo (August 23-September 22) About a month ago, I saw a man riding a unicycle down the road. "You're missing a wheel," I called to him. I'd never seen a unicycle before! I thought his bicycle had broken in two, and that he hadn't noticed. "Fix your bicycle!" I screamed, "For the love of god! Fix your bicycle!" "Lady," he yelled back, "are you crazy or just stupid?" Virgo, this is a question for the ages. Like me, you have a tendency to see a unicycle and immediately panic. Relax, Virgo! You aren't crazy or stupid. You just jump to conclusions and have tizzies over things that can easily be broken down and made sense of. September will be challenging at times, but as long as you remember that like a unicyclist, we can all find balance if we try, you'll be just fine. Famous Virgo: Amy Poehler (September 16)
Article Of Clothing You Will Wear This Month: Shirt


Libra (September 23-October 22) Libra, you are often unfairly painted as the Shallow Sally of the Stars. This is simply not true, except for the occasions wherein you do or say really shallow things. The pool of September is deep, and so are you Libra, when you choose to let others in. Your dashing looks are a draw to everyone, but only the lucky few get to know you for who you truly are. Look for the lucky few in September, Libra. As my mother always said, "It's better to be an open door than a closed window with mold on it that causes toxic lung syndrome." She was very romantic about such things. Famous Libra: Kate Winslet (October 5)
Person You Will See In The Mirror This Month: Yourself


Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Olivier took me to The Chili's for our 8 day anniversary, and I made the mistake of ordering a spicy black bean burger. It was too intense, dear Scorpio! It was delicious, but spicy, and I spent the rest of the evening drinking water to try to stop the burning in my throat. This is a metaphor for your September, Scorpio. You are the black bean burger! You're intense and firey, but at times you can be too much, and people want to throw water at you. The stress of leaving September behind will challenge your temper, but as long as you remember to have a cool drink now and then (that is also a metaphor! It means: "Calm down and relax!") you'll be just fine. Famous Scorpio: Anne Hathaway (November 12)
Sound You Will Hear This Month: Wind


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Things are going to be great for you in September, dear Sagittarius, but you already knew that, didn't you? Can't nobody break your stride! Can't nobody hold you down, oh no! Your glass is always half-full, and that's fine by you. Someone will try to rain on your parade in September, which will be most irritating for you. How dare these fools try to pull your kite down from the sky! They're the chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe. Flick them away and keep on walking. Famous Sagittarius: Tyra Banks (December 4)
Liquid You Will Come In Contact With This Month: Water


Capricorn (December 22-January 21) Well, Bossy Flossie, I bet you think you can do a better job telling me your horoscope than I can, don't you? Your fellow Capricorn, Hortense, has already attempted to edit this piece to death. Perfectionism is a blessing and a curse, Sea Goat! Like everyone has told you since birth, you need to lighten up a bit. Your worry wart ways and need to have everything just so won't help you in September. You can't glue the leaves back on the trees—things change and flow, and you need to learn to go with it. And just think: your power color, brown, is totally in for fall. Huzzah for you, Capricorn! You can be stylish and practical. Famous Capricorn: Zooey Deschanel (January 17)
Item You Will Wear On Your Feet This Month: Shoes


Aquarius (January 20-February 18): "Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives." Do you know this show, Aquarius? If not, it doesn't matter. I won't even go into how Marlena being possessed by a devil can represent how sometimes, your point of view is informed by others, but you always come out with a strong sense of self at the end. The point is: life moves quickly, and you're well prepared to move along with it. You're an eager learner who loves to hear differing points of view. September will provide many opportunities for fascinating conversation, something that will help you piece together a more cohesive view of your own future plans. You will also dream of happier times whenever September brings you down. I suggest throwing Clive Owen into these dreams. He looks just like my Olivier! Famous Aquarius: Shakira (February 2)
Bodily Function You Will Take Part In This Month: Sleep


Pisces (February 19-March 22) Yes, Pisces, you are last on the list. But don't cry about it: it gives you plenty of time to write a song or a poem about your feelings on the matter. September brings a wistful, yet hopeful sense of change and possibility: try to channel these things positively instead of writing 28 songs about how your girlfriend, Fern, left you in September of 1994. You are a sweet and slightly tortured soul, Pisces. But the Fall doesn't have to be a sadness festival: it can be a time of cleansing and rebirth, even as the trees are falling apart. Sometimes, like the trees, we need to shed our outer skin in order to begin again. Look! Now I'm a poet at heart, as well. Perhaps if things with Olivier go awry, we can meet up and fall in love. But that's for another time. October, perhaps?Famous Pisces: Rhianna (February 20)
Machine You Will Use This Month: Computer

Chop vegetables like Penelope Cruz in Volver.
Onions, peppers, garlic cloves and olive oil: are there truer friends in times of economic woe? (Besides Top Ramen duh.) Is there any other aspect of women's work so fundamental to the survival of the species? I dunno, I'm just making excuses, I just think it's sexy.

Choose a perfume.
Floral scents, what can I say: I hate them. Yes, toilet water is an overpriced luxury good, but considering all the cash we blow on overpriced luxury goods dedicated to appealing to one's sense of sight and touch, you'd think we wouldn't be so thoughtless when it comes to the ritual of coughing up a hundred bucks to have that whole other sense covered for the next half year. So go: I may never encourage you to spend money again; spend some quality time at Sephora and come out smelling like something more interesting than a boutique hotel.

Tell the truth.
I can't make it tonight. I have a date. I'm interested in your ex-boyfriend. When you cheated on your husband it really disturbed me. You should maybe look into taking responsibility for your actions. "I would like to put a hit out on your therapist." I know, it's not easy. But isn't that kind of sad?

Withhold information.
Gossip is analogous to bacteria; humankind could not survive without it, but it can be deleterious in an unhealthy context. Get into the habit of withholding a certain amount of pointless amusing information just to keep your immune system in shape.

Take nothing personally.
He didn't do it to hurt you, and if he did, that's fucking weird. Humans are self-obsessed, that's the only reason you think this is about you, when it's really about something that has left people much smarter than us befuddled for millennia now, so you might as well focus on what you can control, which leads me to...

Take yourself personally.
Your persistent low self-esteem: how did it get that way? Were you awkward growing up? Not quick or witty enough? Just ugly? Once you gained a shred of confidence, did you blow your wad seeking out companions you knew would make you feel inadequate? Why? Think you're a narcissist? Or just a weak person? Guess what? We're all different. We're all completely individual assemblages of genetic traits and collected experiences. We're all special, which is precisely what makes us so un-special. If you harbor lingering dissatisfaction with yourself, figuring out what it is is a pretty good way to start coming to terms with that.

Apply makeup without a mirror.
You do this every day, right? Have a little faith in your abilities. Be that girl who is capable of leaving the house on three minutes' notice.

Assemble furniture.
Ikea would not sell $20 billion worth of furniture every year if putting it together was really that hard. It's a pain in the ass, sure. Your ancestors got their water from wells.

Get off.
It has never been easier. There are vibrators at CVS. Porn is an ill-advised Google Image Search away. And really, we all need sex. If you masturbate enough, you'll only seek out casual sex for self-affirmation. And knowing you are doing that will make it a lot easier to handle rejection!

Get hit on politely.
Go ahead and smile, make eye contact; he's probably not trying to rape you. The sexual charge will defuse over time and in the interim you can maybe make a friend. Dudes bear an unfair percentage of the responsibility for flirting in this society, just as we bear an unfair percentage of the responsibility for looking pretty. Let's be sympathetic to one another, how about?

Cry.
There's an unlimited number of reasons you should. To do anything about any of that you have to stop crying eventually. You'll know when.

On second thought, laugh!
God, don't we feel lame after all that crying? So lame we actually laughed at that Dane Cook bit on the lameness of crying. Anything will make you laugh when you've finally gotten sick of crying, but hey, that's cool, dudes love it when you laugh at your jokes and that heady mix of "no pride" and "no standards" is the essence of funny jokes and good drunken one-night stands. Try to laugh as much as possible.

Know when you truly cannot do something.
And fuck no I am not talking about living heavy objects or figuring out how to use Excel. I'm talking about making as much money as your sorority friends, or having a child by 35, or marrying your boyfriend, or being anything better than mediocre at something you think is important.

Taxes.
I know, I know; I don't do them either. But someday we should all learn for ourselves how to abuse the loopholes in the tax code, right? It's our patriotic duty.

Talk about astrology.
Geminis and Libras get along; Virgos are neurotic; stay away from Scorpio men. It's what passes for Universal Truths these days, and you know what? It's not starting any wars. Maybe because astrology understands that people are fundamentally different, and in order to coexist with them peacefully you've got to not only try to apply the Golden Rule but try to figure out what motivates them, and how they would like to be treated.

Know why talking about astrology is bullshit.
Duh.

Eat.
Praying and loving are good skills to have, too, but if you can't nourish yourself without experiencing a complex range of guilts and fears and anxieties, you need help.

Be alone.
If you're bored, you may be on some level boring. Of course, we all are. Why do you want to hang out with your boring friends anyway? There are a lot of unboring people who have dedicated their lives to making books and movies and videogames to keep you happy.

Break up with someone before you cheat on them.

Tell someone you're mad before you find yourself getting passive-aggressive.
This was the suggestion of my roommate. Ha.

Better yet, ignore the anger.
It will find more useful targets.

Repress.
It's not denial if you are aware you're doing it!

Invest in the stock market.
The ready access to money represented in the constant trading of the global stock markets is the foundation of our economy. So it's not, you know, like fucking football. Much evidence of late points to the idea that women's relative lack of testosterone give us an advantage, especially in markets as jittery as these, when it comes to making money there. And who among us couldn't think of better things to do with a little chunk of Goldman's $21 billion bonus pool?

Have a sincere intellectual conversation with a fellow female.
Talk about post-structuralism, not in the context of The Hills. Talk about the war with someone you aren't trying to fuck. It's kind of thrilling what happens when two people who are biologically predisposed to listen to one another exchange ideas.

Call your mom.
And if you don't have one, or if you're estranged from her; if it's complicated or she's in a mental institution or dead in a car accident, please feel free to call me and remind me what an asshole I am to have the most awesome mom in the universe that I fucking never remember to call.

Okay, that's all. 25. All we need is 50 more and we'll totally reach parity with those highly-skilled Esquire readers! I know you have ideas.

MOE: ah tere you are
  you can tell by my typing that I am extraordinarily hungover
But you will tell even moreso from my thought process
 
MEGAN: I am a little hung over myself, and dying for a Diet Coke. But it's pouring rain here.

MOE: OH my god the "Video Professor" himself is on Fox and Friends.
 
MEGAN: Nuh-uh! Switching now!
  
Wow, he's orange.

MOE: He's giving away a FREE BASKET of HIS INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEOS
Um and then they cut to a big segment on who got kicked off American Idol
Never suggest that Fox only has time for its right wing ideological agenda.
 
MEGAN: Does Elton think AI is still racist?
Okay, NO WAY is Donald's hair not thinning. Also, this is pretty much why I watch CNN even though they replaced my Soledad.

MOE: Yeah I would watch MSNBC probably because it's the Fox News of Trotskyists but ...I still can't figure out why they're both muted on my cable box. I think I should probably call time warner. But who wants to do that?

MEGAN: Oh, God, and be on hold forever? But at least it's not Comcast. Neener neener, Comcast, I got FiOS
Oh, God, that asshole that asked Chelsea about Monica is going to be on CNN. Does he not realize that everyone thinks he's a complete douchebag?

MOE: Okay so, some stories. Hillary wants grandkids. But why should we trust you, lying pimp puppet Chelsea? How do we know she didn't actually say, "I want a grandcat so in the middle of the night I can slaughter it??"
  Also, I don't care that that guy asked Chelsea that question.
  I mean, the way it was phrased was annoyingly Fox News.
  But fuck, she is an adult  
He looks like an ass.

MEGAN: OMG, totally. I just think it's a douche move to ask a girl about her father's affair. He is an ass.
 
MOE: Meh.
 I mean, I guess.

MEGAN: Ha, he's saying other dudes from his communications class wanted to know the answer. Because they're dudes.
 
MOE: The chance it would get answered by someone like Chelsea are so slim...the chance you'll look like an ass are so high.
 
MEGAN: They're all trying to figure out how to cheat on a woman and get her to stick around.
 
MOE: Fuck if Chelsea knows. She wanted her mom to leave him when she was ten or something.

MEGAN: Dude, so, remember how they passed that law allowing pilots to carry guns in the wake of 9/11? Yeah, some guy shot up his own plane by accident yesterday. I feel safer. You?

\
MOE: Oh god: 1. Who. 2. You know what's depressing is I just checked Facebook and my Horoscope says it's a good day for my "intellect" rating. And my initial thought was, "And I squandered it on THIS HANGOVER" and my immediate corollary thought was "Which is so bad I am believing my horoscope"? I think we should talk about that Pakistan story though. In the Washington Post, on how Musharaf's reduced powers are forcing us to bomb them with our own two ...well, bomb them unilaterally. Does this vindicate Obama? Because I'm really hungover.
  
But that's how it seems.
Also Donald Trump is on Fox & Friends talking about his brief run for the presidency. And he's saying that he didn't plan to run. "People tinkered with me. I made a speech in New Hampshire and people said, 'He's running!'" Um, Donald? Remember that book you wrote about your plan to run for president? Because I do. And it was AMAZING.
Donald Trump is like the apotheosis of everything I love about this country/city/dudes/etc.
 
MEGAN: Can Donald Trump just disappear again, like he did in about 1996? Because that was amazing.
Also, my Facebook horoscope says "A dramatic change in your attitude or appearance could have a negative impact on family relationships right now. You may not have done anything as drastic as a nose ring or a facial tattoo, but you could risk making a bad impression on someone whose help you will need in the future." Luckily, I barely leave the house, so I can't make a bad impression on anyone!

MOE: Ooooooh, this is what mine says.

It is impossible for you to be content with superficial answers now, and you are impatient with people who avoid looking candidly and honestly at root causes and hidden reasons for any problem or situation. You tend to force your views on other people now. Also, you can become obsessed with an idea or problem until you have figured it out.

MEGAN: My God, the Facebook horoscope people, like, know you. Today.

MOE: So did Hillary plagiarize her Bosnia trip account from Olympia Snowe?
  Is Chuck Phillips as much of an idiot as Bill O'Reilly, as Jay-Z once notably suggested?
Oh look, the GDP is suffering, but corporate profits are still on the rise! That's great, great news for those of us in the problem solving business.
 
MEGAN: Anyway, so on Pakistan. I can't believe that people were all freaked out about Obama saying we'd go after OBL in Pakistan with or without Pakistani permission. I mean, had it been the anti-war people freaking out, fine, but hawks were the ones who wigged. I mean, the only reason we haven't yet is so's we don't destabilize Uncle Pervy. But if we go after them now, maybe, Obama can actually live up to his doctrine about changing the way we do foreign policy or something.
Olympia Snowe's totally voting for Hillary I bet.
And Chuck Phillips must be the only person in the world that thinks that Diddy is anything but a middle class guy. He's probably even nice.
Also, if you'd like, a moment of silence. The inventor of the Egg McMuffin has gone to the Playland in the sky.
 
MOE: Oh, and shit, just in time for tax season: guess who's suddenly "under scrutiny" as a result of this financial crisis that no one understands: the accounting industry. What a surprise! You mean, the ones who actually understand this shit are the culprits? When was the last time the accountants were blamed for some arcane financial scandalcrisis thingy? The last time one happened? Speaking of, calling all corrupt accountants: I still need one! And now, to resume denial. Re Pakistan: everything you said. This is why I'm eager to see a McCain-Obama foreign policy debate play out. But Hillary is taking it to the Convention. Where, by the way, we are going. Don't worry if you want to bring someone home I can sleep through pretty much anything.
Holy SHIT re the egg mcMuffin! Did you see that I wrote about egg mcmuffins yesterday?
 
MEGAN: I did! Also, I was sad you didn't mention the time I actually made you one on your actual stove.
 
MOE: I was really hungover that time.
Or wait, in pain...something.
 
MEGAN: I remember, that's why I made you one! Runny yolks and all.
 
MOE: But thank you. I used to make those all the time on the actual stove but english muffins are curiously hard to come by and/or expensive in this neighborhood, in contrast to Harlem, where they were abundant and cheap.
I know you care, audience.
 
MEGAN: No, we were both shitty drunk the night before. That's when we met up with Greg Wassertrom and Hunter Walker and then you went to a party and I got drunk and waited for you at the bar downstairs and argued with some Hillary supporter just because I could.
Because I was feeling argue-y.
  Really? I'll bring English muffins up next time.
By the way, how much do you want to give a low dollar donation to get in on the raffle to have dinner with Obama? Because I want to. Bad.

MOE: Oh right. That night. I went to Jessica's house and we discussed ...cannibalism. I had just read that Harper's reading re cannibalism during the Great Leap Forward. Which, inspires me to bring you this small update re Tibet. 660 people have been held, according to the government. I am not sure why we are supposed to believe them, but that is what they say. And dinner with Obama: I knew when it started looking like he could become president that I was foregoing any chance for dinner with him, and that is okay.

MEGAN: Also, CNN is reporting live from Philly in front of the Art Museum and they are apparently having a Frieda Kahlo exhibit. I think we should task Commenter Braak to go and report back.
 
MOE: Hey Braak, speaking of, do you know about ESCHACON????
 
MEGAN: Only 660 people? That doesn't actually seem like a lot for China.

MOE: I am supposed to go down on Saturday and meet TRex and sundry other leftblogger types in Philly but...I also have like ninety other commitments, one of which is my sister, who just texted me telling me her newest documentary plan was "My Sister, The Marxist," and I should really try to do my taxes this weekend, if only for the sake of the art. Do you know there is a giant picture of ammunition on the front of the Times today and I havent' gotten to the story yet?Something about the Afghans. Ammunition is not the most photogenic thing, you know? I guess it's an image that conjures ...possibility. But.

MEGAN: Well, if you go, tell TRex I say hi and that I am mad at him for not inviting me, too. I mostly did my taxes earlier this week, I just now have to figure out that whole home office thingie and whether there's anyway that I can possibly get enough of a deduction out of that to make it worth my time to figure it out.

MOE: Oh my god the story is actually kind of amazing.

But to arm the Afghna forces that it hopes will lead this fight, the American military has relied since early last year on a fledgling company led by a 22-year-old man whose vice president was a licensed masseur.

MOE: Okay, so the company is called AEY. Hedquarters: Miami Beach. 22-year-old CEO Efraim Diveroli: hott.In a shaggy way. Contracts up to $300 million. Wiretap suggesting: corruption; old arms; everything made in China. I haven't gotten to the jump, but already I am going to tell you: Israeli mob. Ecstasy trafficker family. And that brings me back to Trump, and this story I did about how he was doing business with the Israeli mob — unwittingly of course. everything is unwitting with him.

MEGAN: Because he is witless?

MOE: But yeah. I'm telling you. Mark my words. His family is in the ecstasy business. If only they were selling that to the Afghans. Also: how are you supposed to transport anything into Afghanistan if you aren't somehow wound up with contraband traffickers? No one talks about what logistics geniuses the drug traffickers are, and how we could probably make business a lot more efficient by legalizing drugs and learning their secrets. Well no one talks about that because it is a retarded thought. I'm jumping.

MEGAN: Actually, that's not a completely retarded thought. I mean, heroin is really Afghanistan's most successful export and it gets grown and distributed well despite all its problems. Like, we can't even manage to distribute money not to grow it well.
 
MOE: Here is the masseur. Also hott.

MEGAN: Albania's defense minister? Totally fuckable.
The masseur looks high as shit and like a drug dealer. I'm sticking with the defense minister.
  The masseur's eyes are like something out of a horror movie.
Efraim looks stoned.
 
MOE: Oh Jesus.

Michael Diveroli, Efraim's father, had incorporated the company in 1999, when Efraim was 13. For several years, a period when the company appeared to have limited activity, Michael Diveroli, who now operates a police supply company down the street from AEY's office, was listed as the company's sole executive.

MEGAN: Nice. Efraim looks like one of those guys I would happily allow to hit on me in a bar and use his rather limited vocabulary to tell me how fucking sexy I am and how I should go home with him and who I will never actually go home with because I think if you cannot say "cunnilingus" correctly you probably aren't going to be worth the time or the condom to fuck.

MOE: Ephraim is a young Israeli mobster from Miami. I interviewed one once. He was a year from federal prison, not that he revealed that to me at the time. He was the cockiest motherfucker I've met in my entire life. But, in the words of the intern who transcribed the interview: "God he sounded hot."
'
MEGAN: A little arrogance can be attractive in a man, especially, say, if a girl is particularly used to dating guys with maybe not a ton of self esteem NOT THAT I DO THAT OR ANYTHING but too much just pisses me off because normally it's not backed up by anything.  
But I'm also older than your former intern.

MOE: On a note unrelated to sex, the thing this story is making me realize is that the cool thing about selling arms is that, unlike with lead toys or drugs, they don't seem to get screened so much. This guy seemed like he was picking his up in Albania — straight-arrow country, that Albania — and they'd originally come from China in the sixties and seventies. In the sixties and seventies, when arms were probably being smelted in backyards while people subsisted on other people, not to get to circular about things. I am still awestruck by the... awesomeness of this story. 
Incidentally, the Albanian they hired to repackage this shit, Kosta Trebicka, is also pretty hot.

MEGAN: Our government defense dollars at work. No wonder we're winning the war.

MOE: OH my god best. So last summer, Trebicka and Diveroli, the 22-year-old, were talking about how tough it was to do business in Albania, and the 22-year-old suggested that Trebeckia send "one of your girls" to have sex with the head of the export agency. "Money might help too." It always comes back to whores.

MEGAN: And money. Also, really? Did any of these guys have trouble getting laid without having to pay for it?

MOE: Not if they're drinking with me. But you know the neocons: they like a challenge.

People born in the fall have been found to be more likely to develop panic disorder and/or drug abuse problems.

After all, if we accept this hypothesis, do we thereby discount the 100% accurate relationship compatibility analyses given by leading Australian astrologer Milton Black, based on the fact that he lives in Australia?? Where, you know, Libras are born in the EARLY SPRING?? (Including Anna's fiancee Paul, who is, incidentally, way more of an alcoholic than a schizophrenic.) (Oh come on Anna, like I think that's a bad thing.)

What's Your Sign? (No, Seriously) [O Magazine]