In a piece first published two years ago (but apparently so insightful that they republished it this week), AskMen's relationship correspondent Madeline Murphy provides a wonderful example for anyone who has ever encountered the argument that because someone is female, she is cannot be sexist. Murphy claims that she is acting on the behalf of all women, revealing the dirty secrets we, as a gender, have been hiding for so long. But whose side is she really on? We tally up the winners and losers in Ask Men's inane article to see who, in this gender war baiting piece, comes out on top.

The "Lies:"

1. "I'm not mad at you." According to Murphy, women are insecure, passive aggressive creatures, who are fundamentally unable to admit when they have been annoyed by a man's "minor screwup" (for example, forgetting your birthday). Murphy suggests that men should approach this situation by "calling her on her real feelings and discussing why she's so angry."

Winner: Men. Women come across as whiny bitches who can't handle their own emotions, while men get to take the moral high ground through accusing their significant others of lying.

2. "I don't mind if you go to strip clubs with the boys." This is a lie that women tell to make themselves seem "less pathetically needy." This is another no-win situation for women. Either they are liars and hate their boyfriends for having a little harmless fun the boys (by objectifying naked strangers) or... well, if you aren't needy and insecure, than I guess you are not a real women. Murphy instructs men to handle this situation by not going to strip clubs; "You're probably better off just not going. Ask yourself: Are two hours of bare booty worth weeks, even months, of bitchy comments?"

Winner: Tie. Men are deprived of the privileged of spending a "boy's night out" ogling naked women, but women are insecure harpies bent on securing their boyfriend's unhappiness.

3. "I'm just not ready for a boyfriend right now." This is actually a lie I've told. As Murphy points out, it is sometimes used as a way to let a guy down easy when you have zero interest in seeing him naked (read: an Ask Men subscriber). She advises men to keep their dignity and walk away.

Winner: Women. The lie was "told with the best intentions," and if Ask Men readers decide to follow the advice and gracefully bow out of an awkward situation, than the noble liar wins.

4. "I don't mind picking up the tab tonight; you always pay anyway." Ugh. This one is the worst of the bunch. Murphy tells men to go to a date prepared to pay, at least during "critical dating stages." Later on, we assume, men should feel free to accuse their dates of lying, and demand that they pay up.

Winner: Men. Sure women get a free meal, but they are also portrayed as money grubbing liars unwilling to pay their own way.

5. "That was f*cking great!" Murphy says: "When women are committed to a man, they focus on him, often believing, time and time again, that he is 'the one.' Because girls have this tendency, they also tell guys whatever they think they want to hear (like they just had an orgasm), just to make them feel good about themselves." In the AskMen universe, when a woman says she enjoys sex, it means she thinks you are "the one," and she actually had a horrible time. Another no-win situation. But! Murphy suggests that men handle this situation by just not asking awkward questions like "did you come?"

Winner: Tie. While Murphy's final suggestion is one of the only positive things about this ridiculous piece—who hasn't been annoyed from time to time by post-coital interrogations?—the claim that all women lie about enjoying sex is downright wrong, not to mention insulting to both genders.

Final Tally: Gender stereotypes win by a landslide. Despite the occasional spattering of good advice, AskMen once again proves that, in their relentless pursuit of the title "Most Sexist Publication," there are no real winners.

5 Lies All Women Tell [AskMen]

10. Go Topless
Anderson writes, "Sure, women can go topless on the beach, but we can do it whenever and wherever we please." Women are not encouraged to be topless in this culture, but there are plenty of places on this earth where it doesn't matter, including St. Tropez and Papua New Guinea. In any case, clothing is one of the traits that separates us from the animals, so who cares? Ladies like wearing cute stuff, anyway.
TIE

9. Hold Our Liquor
Yes, a woman's body chemistry means that she reacts to alcohol differently. But plenty of women hold their liquor. Anyone want to challenge Anderson to a drink off?
TIE

8. Manscape
Haha. Beards? Really? You can have 'em.
ADVANTAGE: MEN

7. Navigate Spatially
Anderson writes, "Men are much better at seeing things as they really are — in 3-D." Doesn't mean women can't navigate. They just do it differently.
TIE

6. Shave Our Heads
Anderson mentions Natalie Portman, Sigourney Weaver and Demi Moore, as well as Britney. And yet he says: "Guys wear bald better." In a battle between George Costanza and Sinead O'Conner, she wins. Sorry. Also, black women have been rocking the shorn look for years and it works.
TIE

5. Play Real Sports
"We understand that women play plenty of sports and, yes, they are good athletes, but their sports are a snoozefest to watch," writes Anderson. Right back at ya!
TIE

4. Fertilize Eggs Sure, okay. But without eggs to fertilize, where would you be? Also, this: "Yes, our swimmers are under siege from early scientific studies that show women can create sperm from their own bone marrow. And of course, studies are also underway to grow babies out of the womb. Are these studies headed by lesbians?" is offensive, not funny.
ADVANTAGE: MEN, but barely

3. Pee Standing Up
One word: Shenis. Next!
TIE

2. Fuck Things
Wait, what? Men fuck and women get fucked? Not buying it. A woman can be a fucker, and a man can be a fuckee. Having the ability to stick your penis in something isn't always a worthwhile skill, as the people who have had their dicks sucked into vacuum cleaners can attest.
TIE

1. Age Well
"Sorry ladies, all your creams, moisturizers and youth-in-a-bottle remedies have nothing on us," Anderson says. "Our male hormones give us thicker skin, which means we get fewer wrinkles and our skin stays younger longer. While women have Joan Rivers to look forward to, we have Sean Connery."
Two words: Helen Mirren.
TIE

Top 10: Things Only Men Can Do [AskMen.com]

Back at askmen.com, the 'love doc' is asked what are the top five things men do that turn a woman off. The doc obliges:

1. They talk too much.
2. They talk down to the woman.
3. They bullshit.
4. They talk about sex.
5. They don't walk erect.

Being a typical man, Love Doc entirely misses the point. All of the above are the kind of crap we put up with in every man as a matter of course. If he really wants to know what turns women off, we'd present our top five:

1. They're no good lying cheating bastards.
2. They're crap in bed.
3. They dump you because their head "just isn't in the right space now" and get engaged to a 17-year-old nursing student a week later.
4. They cry
5. They can't get erect.

We're available on a consultation basis, Mr Love Doc.

Over at Askmen.com they think they know women. Really know women. And they're just full of handy little tips to ensure the boys can maintain effortless control over the little women in their lives.

Girlfriend getting a little flabby? No problem. Here's the six things you can say to get her from fatso to scary skinny so that you can have sex with her again without wanting to vomit.

1. "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you any more." Is that so, my darling? And I don't really give a fuck what you think, my love. I thought we'd established that ages ago.

2. "I can't get over how fat I feel."
   Then go on a diet, moron.

3. "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."
   Yeah, and I stopped fucking her husband when he lost his hair.

4. "I have a new female trainer at the gym."
   Well, I''m sure she'll find you devastatingly attractive and will want to have hot passionate sex with you, dear. No, really. I'm sure she will.

5. "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds."
   You do what the fuck you like you quivering mass of blubber. Me, I'm doing just fine, thank you very much. And I'm shagging your brother, by the way.