Dear E. Jean: I made the mistake of my life, and I want it fixed! I'm 27, and after six months of being showered with attention, sexy messages, and dinners, during which I was constantly told how beautiful I was, I gave in and slept with my boss (a 50-year-old charmer who all the girls in the company are absolutely crazy about, and he chose me!). But since then, he's been avoiding me. It's very uncomfortable. I love my job and I want to stay, but I feel like a fool! Should I tell him that his attitude hurts me?—Totally Lost It

Oh, he chose you, huh? And did you choose his leathery-ass skin? Did you choose all the barf-inducing moments during which he reminded you of your dad? What I don't get is that you're 27. You're young enough to realize that any man twice your age is sleeping with you not because he "chose" you but because he is on some level gross. And yet, you are old enough that if you were going to learn the "never sleep with your charming lech of a boss" lesson the hard way, you should have fucking done it already. How did you think this was going to play out? Like it does with all those other fiftysomething bosses and twentysomething assistants you see in the New York Times wedding announcements every Sunday? Anyway, he's avoiding you now because he's scared you're going to sue him for sexual harassment. I know you say you haven't told him so yet, but somehow he got the message that his attitude "hurt" you, and he's staying the fuck away. He probably thought you were one of those girls who knows the "rules" of this shit. I mean, I can't tell you I know the rules because for all intents and purposes the rules are to not have sex with boss/mentor dudes who are twice your age because they will invariably want to and that is really the only advantage women ever have in the workforce. So go, quit your job, find a new endearingly lecherous boss to "choose" you, and pretend you don't notice until you get a few more promotions.

Living Large
Dear E. Jean: I used to be pretty. I'm also single, 29, a physician, and haven't dated in five years. I suspect I know the problem: I'm overweight. I work out a ton, watch what I eat, and have been trying to lose 40 pounds for six years, but to no avail. Will I ever be cute again? Is it a mistake to hope? I'm terribly lonely because I've recently moved to a fabulous new city and don't know anyone. Should I try online dating? Or do I put everything on hold, finally lose the weight, and make a new start?—Pre-Fab

Stop working out. Seriously, why spend valuable time sitting there on an elliptical trying not to stare at your fatfat fat muffin top/upper arms/belly/whatevs whilst miserably assigning yourself a ranking somewhere near dead bottom of all the human cargo of the machines arranged around you, evaluating yourself for hours a week on the sole basis of the muscle tone of your exposed flesh — amongst people who probably think that is a decent way to evaluate people, no less! — when the whole time-eating process only ever results in making you hungrier faster? Ugh, fuck exercise. If you must do it, take walks outside. Listen to the news. Learn the quirks of your new city. Stop in a bar. Sit next to someone. Have bad sex. At some point it will get less bad.

Fate
Dear E. Jean: What happens when you can't get rid of your mistake? Long story short: I broke up with pseudo-boyfriend two years ago; we're both dating other people now, and we're both happy; but he keeps crossing my mind...and now, my path. Of all the people in New York, he's the one I always see. He's everywhere! We run into each other on the street, at cafés, at bars. Why?!? Is this some sort of wacko sign? I hope not!—Afraid to Leave the House

Too stupid to answer.

Tort Reform
Dear E. Jean: I'm a 22-year-old law student who's ended three serious relationships in the past two years, made numerous colossal blunders, and let a number of opportunities pass by.

The event that spurred me to write to you? My ex-fiancé is now engaged within six months of our splitting. The relationship wasn't healthy and I don't want him back, but it still burns. For some insane reason, it's made me wonder about a lot of my choices. I feel like I should have done everything by now. I'm walking around clubbing myself to death, and I don't know how to stop. I feel worthless. When I look at the past, even my successes look like failures. What's going on with me? How do I end this?—Inadequate, Desperate, and Lost

Yeah, I am not going to even try and give a shit about a 22-year-old.

A Tail of Woe
Dear E. Jean: I just signed a lease for a very chic apartment with perfect white carpets. My best friend is thrilled for me, and that's the dilemma. She goes everywhere with her totally horrible dog. I love my friend—and I adore dogs—but her little beast poops on couches, carpets, and beds everywhere he goes. And she thinks it's funny! In the past, I've allowed the animal in my home, risking tension headaches lest the little pest makes "mistakes" (and he usually does!). But, E. Jean, if this dog leaves a mess on my new floor, it will be the end of our friendship. How can I tell her that her incontinent darling is not welcome?—Going to the Dogs

Ooooooh, what to say to the girl who becomes BFF with someone so hysterically devoid of basic human consideration that she allows her tiny dog to defecate all over other people's belongings — and yet feels she must end the friendship once threatened with the possibility that her own uberchic white carpeting might become the repository for the same crap?

Ummmmm, three words: MySpace suicide clubs. I hear they're hot right now!

The Better Man
Dear E. Jean: I broke off a relationship eight months ago with a man with whom I shared many common interests and hot sexual chemistry; but our goals and values differed wildly. I've now met a man who's everything my ex is not—supportive, loving, thoughtful, sensitive, financially stable, and emotionally mature.

But though he seems to feel we're perfect for each other, our interests are very different, and I just don't have the hots for him. I long for the adventurous lifestyle and passion I had with my ex. Am I making a mistake? Am I wrong to focus so much on the differences with this new man? Will my feelings develop into something deeper?—Confused and Sleepless

Dear confused,
Have you ever told a dude, real casual-like, about the time you were date raped, only to watch his eyes go all big and horrified and you poor thing I honestly can't believe a man could be so coarse and cruel as to do that to anyone, much less you, because you are so wonderful and soooooo undeserving of such horror.... See, I always wonder about this. On one hand, it's a nice feeling. That guy probably won't cheat on you. That guy has a moral compass! On the other hand, does he have friends? Has he ever seen a movie? Does he have eyes? For centuries the advice industry has been hung up on perpetuating this bad boy/good guy partisan structure, mainly because a lot of girls simply fall for guys who treat them badly because, you know, they treat them badly. (What's wrong with them? If they can reform them they can feel superior to every inferior woman who was screwed over before!) But, you know, guess what! Human nature=nuanced! I say this a lot, but still. Anyway, I am not quite sure where I was going with this, but...

Oh yes, you. You broke up with a dude, EIGHT MONTHS ago. Why are you dating again? You are not over the dude with whom you allegedly shared so many "common interests", an "adventurous lifestyle" and "hot sexual chemistry" — or else i might have occurred to you that he is probably still pursuing those interests, and that lifestyle, and that chemistry. While you are pursuing a husband! Why? When you date someone who exposes you to new shit — books, ideas, travel, pastimes — the whole point of being single again is piecing together whatever it was you actually liked. Were you really into Zizek? Could you somehow reclaim for yourself that P.J. Harvey song you really loved? Because you should do all this and probably spend like six weeks crying about how worthless and empty and robbed of your identity you are. The dude will understand. He's "emotionally mature"!

When I first started writing an "advice" column, I figured that people that wrote in to advice columns were really just writing in for someone to validate something they already knew. But after getting hundreds of variations on the same 3 questions from equally earnest people, I realized that people do think random strangers know more than they do! However, not all advice columnists have actual good advice, and thus Jezebel is here to provide an alternate point of view, as a public service.

Dear Cary: My husband and I have had a relationship for the past eight years, though we have only been married for three. We have two adorable young children. Five years ago, my husband had a sexual encounter (without intercourse) with one of my close friends...

We have since gotten past this, and I eventually even trusted him again. However, my sister recently told me that on two occasions in the past three months my husband has kissed and groped her when they were both drinking. After I confronted him, he told me about four other instances in which they kissed and touched. All of the occurrences he mentioned, he said, were initiated by her a year ago or more. He denied the instances she had told me about, which were much more recent and which, she said, were initiated by him. He claimed that he didn't remember doing anything she had accused him of, but when I asked if he thought he could have, he said yes.... There was no actual intercourse, and I realize that people make mistakes, especially when there is alcohol involved. The fact that it happened so many times and that it was with my sister makes it so much harder to forgive. I love him and want to have my family, but why should I believe he won't do it again?

So, what you are married to is a man who says he didn't actually fuck your close friend before you were married (did you ask if blow jobs count?) and then says he remembers sucking face with your sister 4 times while "groping" her (so, how do you feel about finger-banging and hand jobs?) and doesn't remember the other two times but thinks it's possible. Great. You also have a husband who knows that he faces basically no consequences for his actions and has no real reason to stop (because, obviously, your feelings aren't that important).

So, you have two options. Either accept that he's not ever going to faithful and leave, or accept that he's not ever going to be faithful and have an open marriage. But, either way, stop bullshitting yourself that a man who has probably fucked around far more than you even know is ever going to be a one-vadge man, regardless of the alcohol. He's not.

Dear Margo: I am 55 and have been married to a wonderful 62-year-old man for 20 years. I have always felt our marriage was strong. However, during the last nine months he has been corresponding by e-mail with a 40-year-old woman he met through work a year ago. She is a single mom who lives in another state. One day I noticed that he quickly exited his e-mail when I walked into the room, so I began to read these e-mails, though he doesn't know I can. The letters seem innocent enough, exchanging news and photos, jokes, etc., though I would say she is definitely encouraging him. He asked her to send him a photo of herself, which she did, and the one she chose was obviously selected to show off her curves. He spends a lot of time sending these e-mails, reading them and re-reading them. He is careful not to let me see them and runs to the computer if he forgets to close out the program. Although he told me all about her when he met her, he now never mentions her, or news of her, when clearly he has lots! He has also been talking in a sad way that he is old and life is short, and I think he is wishing he was younger so he could have a new life and try his hand with her. I love him but am not keen on being with someone who is constantly thinking of someone else. Can you advise?

Nonetheless, you don't really want advice about whether to stay. You're reading your husband's email, after 20 years. You suspect (and, likely correctly) that he's having some kind of affair. You are pretty sure that, after 20 years of marriage he's willing to put your health (and/or life) and your marriage at risk for a younger piece of ass. Do you want to stay? Really? I mean, you're an adult woman. You don't need someone's permission to leave, so stop asking. Do what you want to do and what you think will make you less unhappy than you are now, and stop waiting for someone to tell you it's ok.

My real advice, though, is to run (not walk) to your doctor and get yourself tested for STIs. Studies show they're on the rise in folks your age, in no small part because men like your husband fuck younger women like his mistress without condoms because they're poorly educated about disease and are only occasionally worried about knocking someone up. And, because if he loved you and cared about your well-being (emotional or physical) he probably wouldn't be putting it to another woman.

My husband is groping my sister [Salon.com]
Men, Menopause and the Proverbial Red Sports Car [Dear Margo]
Are older people at risk of sexually transmitted infections?A new look at the evidence [Reviews in Clinical Gerontology]

Dear Carolyn:

I have a friend who is very promiscuous, and at first I just rolled my eyes but now it bothers me. I am not sure how or if I should tell her. She isn't discreet about her actions, and is known among many people as "easy" or "slutty." Would you believe this woman is 35?

Her behavior doesn't really impact me, but people know I am good friends with this woman, and I wonder if I might suffer for the association. I also am starting to pass my own judgment on her actions, and I worry for her health.

I'm torn if (and how!) I should tell her how I feel, or if I should just let her live her own life and reap whatever she sows. -Diabolical Prude

The most startling thing about this query, other than you being an oblivious bitch, is that this woman is 35 years old. What 35-year-old still gets called a "slut" and "easy"? Did you send this letter to Carolyn Hax from the nineteeth century? You seem like the type of gal who would surely bring it up if your "friend's" persona history was, say, "littered with abortions" or her vagina being eaten alive by veneral diseases, and since you don't mention anything like that I have to wonder exactly all the poisonous crops are that she is supposed to reap later?

Think about this for a minute. You call this woman a "good friend" and yet you've written a letter mentioning no quality other than her supposedly shameful willingness to have sex with people. Why is she such a good friend to you? Think it's the same inability to reject people that made her a slut in the first place? Think that maybe your cold-hearted, self-centered intolerance might be enough to make a less generous, affectionate soul run straight for the exit sign?

Dear Abby:

I am the single mom of a terrific 6-year-old boy. "Matthew" is smart, happy and generally makes good choices when given options. My problem? I'm terrified of the future.

I hear horror stories about kids who take drugs and the downward spiral their lives take. Matthew's father made poor choices regarding drugs and alcohol — one of the many reasons I divorced him — so my son is genetically predisposed to addiction. What is to stop him from accepting drugs from friends or acquaintances?

Is there an established, proven course of action that parents can take starting at this age to help in the prevention of future horrors? SLEEPLESS in the Heartland

You may take it as a good sign that "Matthew," at six, "generally makes good choices when given options," but I smell trouble if that means he prefers unsweetened applesauce to french fries and sugar cereal or reading Harry Potter to GameBoy. If he hasn't tried drugs or alcohol or at the very least a Flintstone vitamin overdose by age seven, he could be WELL ON THE ROAD to being one of those first graders who is so mocked by his peers for his healthy, mom-approved decisions who by age eight and a half is rebelling by breaking into the liquor cabinet and maiming forest animals. But don't despair! There is a proven course of action for coping with such horrors. START DRINKING NOW. Add some Adderall to the mix and you'll be blacking it all out (and blogging about it!) in no time.

Dear Prudie, I am the mother of two girls, ages 2 and 4. I also have two nieces who are 3 and 4. They play together often and are typical, energetic little girls. I am concerned about something my 4-year-old said to me recently. We have discussed modesty and she understands that we keep our private parts covered, but I've tried not to make it an overly big deal. I recently allowed her to skinny-dip in her grandmother's swimming pool. The next day, she asked me if she could skinny-dip again with her cousins next time we're at Grammy's. Then she said she and her 4-year-old cousin like to "rub our butts together." I did see them doing this while changing clothes to go swimming. They were standing up and danced back to back and laughed. I just told them they were silly and diverted them to the pool. I asked her why she wanted to do that and she said " 'cause it's fun and it feels good." The last thing I want is to make her feel dirty or suggest that she is bad for doing this. But I don't want her to disrespect her body, either. Should I forbid this? Simply discourage it? While I was never abused, I do feel like I was sexualized much too young, and wish my mom had taught me to cherish my body. Unfortunately, she didn't, so I'm not sure how to teach my daughters this. —Worried Mom

Dear Mom,

A lot of things are fun and feel good and unfortunately, the only one we're allowed to do in public is drink. Tell your daughter to be thankful her lungs aren't charred from cigarettes and her naked body isn't yet a sagging, liver-spotted mass of stretch marks, varicose veins and enlarged pores, and so, unlike you, she gets to run around naked, and that rubbing her butts or privates in public is just overdoing it for the rest of us, but that one day, if she works very, very hard and prays every night to the low interest rate gods, she may land a job working from home.

Hi, Cary,

I started seeing a new therapist lately. And she does this thing that annoys me no end.

Whenever I tell her something emotionally important, she'll squint her eyes, lean forward, and act like she's really listening.

Now, I am sure she really is intently listening to me, but the squinting and the leaning in really distract me and make me think she is acting.

I want to tell her, but don't know how. Should I? Thanks.
Unnerved

Dear Unnerved,

An old priest of mine used to say that therapy was just modernity's answer to Confession, and if the Catholics got two things right — and that's about all they got right, unless you count "great art" and shit — it was, number one, building the whole screen separating the rambling psychic unloader from the poor sap who had to sleep upright while pretending to listen to all of it, and number two, making the whole charade free. Like this column. I do accept tips, though.

Dear Dr. Brothers: I grew up in relative poverty where nothing came easily, and against the advice of many, I married a guy of a totally different class — he'd had everything, including a long background of wealth. After 15 years, our relationship with each other and our family of two lovely daughters could scarcely be better. But now that the girls are in their late adolescence, I worry. I worry because they and their friends are so self-centered and selfish. Their weekly allowance is the same as what our family would have lived on for a month. I don't resent this, but all this spending isn't making them happy or adjusted. What can I do? I love them so. -E.C.

They're called the other side of the Bush tax cuts, and some of them are probably living in not-so-subsidized housing not too far away from you. I suggest you introduce your daughters to these people, and if that doesn't do the trick try India, but not before you answer an irritating question: What the hell sort of relative poverty do you hail from that your family and friends advised you not to marry up? Because I am scratching my scalp here, and I can only think: "Were you all hippies?" In which case marrying into the kind of wealth you're describing was clearly some sort of weird rebellion, and now that you're nestled comfortably in your top 0.1% you're feeling the pangs of the social conscience you always resisted. Which also probably means you have a little work to do on your own values system, starting with your own "allowance," relinquishment of. A new study I read somewhere that I am in no way Googling right now says people actually derive genuine physical pleasure from giving shit away, so think about that, and start pleasuring yourself. It will be contagious in no time. By which I mean, you know, no more than a decade.

Dear Amy: When I was 19, I was raped at a party. Except for with licensed therapists, I have never talked to anyone about what happened. I am now 24 and have been dating a man for the past 10 months. Early in our relationship, he asked why I was so shy of him, and I told him that I had little experience with men, and what experience I did have was bad. Since then, he has been extremely patient with me, and he has expressed an interest to "understand where I'm coming from" regarding physical intimacy. I know that my continued silence on the subject hurts him, and that this has become a sticking point in our relationship. He's caring and very gentle, but he is also increasingly frustrated with the lack of a deeper physical and emotional commitment. He wants to be with me, and he refuses to make another move until he understands why we're still not having sex after 10 months. I'm afraid that telling him the truth will upset him or make him think less of me. I want to be open and honest with him, but every time I try to talk to him, I chicken out. How can I tell him about what happened without causing him (or me) undue distress? Afraid of the Consequences

Dear Dr. Brothers: My husband and I have three children, the eldest in middle school. They're much loved by both of us, but they're beginning to sense that all isn't right, because my husband and I have been having non-stop arguments about my desire to add to our family. His anger and lack of understanding for my wanting and insisting on having more kids is making me so upset that I'm in tears most of the time. He keeps moaning about how he's working too hard now and how we can't afford it, but I'm thinking of forgetting about my birth-control pills and going ahead, anyway. Shouldn't it be the woman's decision, since she's the one having it? — L.B.

Ask Dr. Joyce Brothers
Ask Amy

Dear Amy: Our daughter is a 19-year-old student living in our home. She gets good grades and doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. However, I recently discovered that her Facebook page has several photos of her posing in a swimsuit that are not exactly in good taste. They're not terrible, just a little disturbing. She is quite good-looking, and the photos make her look self-centered and conceited, and perhaps send the wrong message.

A: Your first problem is that, at the age of nineteen, your daughter is neither drinking, nor smoking, nor doing drugs. When I was nineteen my body was already showing signs of years of — hell, might as well round up to a decade! — drug and alcohol and tobacco abuse, and there's no way you would have caught me in any sort of summer weather attire (let alone lycra) in my Facebook pictures, if Facebook had existed then, which it did not, thank god, or I'd never have made it through, not that I ever did graduate, not that that has hurt my professional career, ha!

ANYWAY, why your daughter is not away at college shotgunning her way to the Freshman Fifteen is none of my business, but since you asked: Why isn't she out right now making bad decisions that will only manifest themselves in a bloated gut and "midterm-related" eye-bags 'round turkey time? The Freshman Fifteen is the only way your attractive daughter will ever learn to hate her body, which is the only way she'll ever learn to hate hating her body, which is the only hope she ever stands of making the realization that body issues are really fucking boring (and hello, predictable!) and maybe she'd better find some new components to her personality.
Without this process, I hate to tell you, the fact that she is not afraid to appear, to the rest of humanity, self-centered and conceited, is a pretty sure sign that she is self-centered and conceited. (God, I miss that word, "conceited." Where did you go, Bruce Patman? I digress.) Anyway, so yeah, she's probably pretty pleased with herself. And for what? She still fucking lives at home, for chrissakes! Kick the little cocktease out. She will thank you after, like, twenty years of therapy. Next question!

Dear Amy: My husband of four years is a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. He has never missed work, does not drink and drive or sleep around. However, my husband drinks two mixed drinks and eight to 10 beers every night at home. This behavior has been going on for at least 12 years. He has taken absolutely no breaks from alcohol. He is very hyperactive, and he displays signs of high anxiety and OCD. He always has to have everything in its place. I grew up in an alcoholic home as a child, so I can't stand to see him killing himself. I used to look upon the man I love with respect and admiration, and now I am beginning to look at him with disgust. What effect does all of this alcohol have on his body? Should I stay with him and hope that he will change, or watch him kill himself? I realize that people with this problem have to want to change, and until then bystanders have to accept it or leave. I feel as if I'm an enabler by accepting this and staying with him.

A: This is a close call. My first instinct is to wonder how fat your husband is, because eight to ten beers and a few shots, while not exactly moderation, is the sort of the norm for some of the fat guys I know, namely the fun ones, which is how we put ourselves in your shoes, which is what good advice columnists do. Also, he's OCD, so he could be drinking just to make himself more bearable, to himself and maybe, by extension, to you. On the other hand, he is OCD, so the fact that this behavior has been going on for twelve years and you are only just beginning to look at him with "disgust" suggests to me that he has recently stopped popping Viagra or cocaine or whatever it took to make it seem like he was still interested in having sex with you. From an OCD person aware that his wife grew up in an alcoholic home, this could be a highly calculated move to drive you to cheat and end the marriage for him, in which case the whole cirrhosis-or-not question is what Joey Tribbiani might call a "moo point", sort of like the way we made that subtle little Friends reference to purposely to remind a certain Angelina-partisan editor of ours how much more "fun" Jennifer Aniston is even despite her OCD (which is why she always ends up back in bed with Vince Vaughn, who clearly drinks eight to ten beers and a couple Wild Turkeys by lunchtime) because that is what true FUN is about, dammit. So I guess the question is, are you still having fun? If not, could you be drinking more?

"I'm Just Trying To Raise A Classy Kid." [Ask Amy]
"My husband is a wonderful man who treats me like a queen and his liver, not so much." [Ask Amy]