This week saw Dupre's second foray into advice-giving, and she appears to have settled into a groove of slightly bent cliche. To a 19-year-old in love with a married man, she says,

[Y]ou are very young! Take this time to focus on yourself, your friends and your body. Working out and staying healthy will give you the self-confidence you need to go out there and find a man who's all yours.

Her slightly odd exhortation to "focus on your body" notwithstanding, Dupre is just as pro-monogamy as advice columnists with more conventional pasts. She tells a cheating wife, for instance, "Try to figure out what caused you to carry on a six-year affair in the first place. [...] Whatever it is, it needs to be fixed" — all of which sounds very "Dear Abby." Of course, Abby doesn't usually answer questions like "Does size matter?" Nor is she likely to give this kind of response:

[I]t's all about exploring and finding the positions that make you not ever wanting to stop.

At least Dupre's erratic grammar implies that she's working without the benefit of a ghostwriter. But while Palin ghost Lynn Vincent isn't known for her sexual permissiveness, I still think she might have come up with more creative advice than this, directed at a woman looking to spice up her marriage:

Don't say a word to him other than, "Lie down on your back and let me do the rest."

Trust me, he'll take notice, and it will definitely wake him up. He'll be like, "My wife is out of control . . . but I like it!" Keep things fresh and interesting. Sometimes it's good to be a bad girl.

Dupre also offers a holiday edition of her bad-girl advice, in response to a wife who wants to get a special gift for her husband:

If you have kids, send them anywhere but home. Go to Abracadabra and buy a Santa's helper outfit. A few nights before Christmas, cook a great dinner, open a bottle of wine, light some candles and play some romantic, cozy winter music. Then, welcome him home by opening the door in your new outfit. That's the only present you need to get him. Oh, and if you want, throw in some lines like, ‘Have you been naughty or nice this year?' It's funny, cute and bound to make it a Christmas he'll never forget. Perhaps make it a new tradition?

While the sexy Santa's helper routine would be pretty much guaranteed to make any man I've ever dated vomit and then die, I also recognize that the bottle-of-wine-plus-sexy-costume advice is standard spice-up-your-marriage fare. Which is exactly the problem. In her first column, Dupre argued that both men and women were simple, and she seems to be proceeding from the notion that some relatively basic human consideration and an occasional night of extremely light role-play are enough to keep a relationship strong. This is sort of reassuring, but it's not that entertaining, and entertainment is really what advice columns are all about. Nobody turns to Abigail Van Buren or Cary Tennis or Ashley Dupre for actual advice — or at least, they shouldn't. Rather, we're looking for the newspaper equivalent of a soap opera, and Dupre's scandalous past probably made her seem like the ideal person to provide it. Unfortunately, it seems like she's trying to prove how non-scandalous she really is — and the result isn't very much fun.

Ask Ashley: Man Is Married? Move On! [New York Post]

Earlier: Women Of The View Unsure Whether To Slut-Shame Ashley Dupre

First of all, wasn't "Ask Ashley" a segment on the Nickelodeon sketch show All That? Well now, it's 24-year-old Ashley Dupre's sage advice to New York's lovelorn. And apparently, this was enough to get her admittance to the lion's den that is The View.

I've gotta say, Dupre kind of handled the situation masterfully: she disarmed the crew immediately by admitting that she was scared to come on the show because women "hate what she represented" and adds that she would "hate me, too." After that, the ladies had nothing to do but sit there tight-lipped, snidely debate the euphemistic nature of the term "escort," and kind of imply that maybe she shouldn't have her own sex advice column based on having slept with the Governor. It was pretty clear that no one knew how to handle either Dupre's defiant self-confidence or her weirdly old-fashioned moralizing. Let alone her Rules-worthy assertion that "men are primal and they're proud," and need to be made to feel special (taken verbatim, by the way, from yesterday's inaugural column.) There was fear in the eyes of The View: this woman could do your job, we were all thinking.

Ask Ashley [NY Post]

• Chris Brown whined to Vibe about how Oprah Winfrey treated him after he assaulted Rihanna saying, "I didn't get a call from them or anything. I felt embarrassed, but at the same time I felt stabbed in the back."

• He continues: "Ok, Oprah you have so much power and people really listen to what you say. You don't know anything that went down and you jump to conclusions and start bringing people on the set that have no similarities to me other than a domestic dispute. And then compare them to me when she's around me and knows me. She could have called me and been like, 'Chris, let me get you on my show and I'm going to do this kind of segment.'" As for BET: "The BET Awards was horrible. I was watching it, holding my face like, ‘Oh my God this is wack'... They were so bent on not getting me there that they messed up their own show." The new issue, which mark's Vibe's relaunch, features Chris on one cover and Drake (who was linked to Rihanna in May) on the other. And to answer Chris's question, yes, we "r still down" about domestic violence. [BET]
• Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren has moved out of their home, according to nosy neighbors. Sources say she's living nearby, but Tiger and his reps are keeping her move secret and trying to convince her to move back into their house. [Radar Online]
• Sources say Tiger Woods continued pursuing Rachel Uchitel after his Thanksgiving weekend car crash, texting her repeatedly and telling her he wanted to find a way to see her. [TMZ]
• A source claims Tiger Woods hasn't appeared in public recently because Elin Nordegren broke his tooth. "Elin confronted him about texting Rachel Uchitel and flew into a rage," said the source. "She apparently threw the phone at his mouth and broke one of his teeth... Elin then grabbed a golf club and chased him around the house, doing tens of thousands of dollars in damage. He ran out to the car barefoot to get away from her and was in such a state of panic that he crashed." [Star]
• Reports that Tiger Woods' mother-in-law Barbro Holmberg was at the scene of the crash are untrue. She just arrived in the U.S. this weekend. [TMZ]
• A source says when Tiger Woods was taken to the hospital after the crash, he had to be admitted directly to the intensive care unit so he could be intubated and have his breathing stabilized. Though his neighbor reported that he was asleep and snoring on his lawn, a source says "that was the sound of an airway that wasn't stable." [MSNBC]
• According to new documents, the Florida Highway Patrol wanted to do a blood test on Tiger Woods because a "witness" (probably Elin), "stated that the driver had consumed alcohol earlier in the day and the same witness removed the driver from the vehicle after the collision." The request was denied and the police determined alcohol wasn't a factor. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Davenport, who is a friend of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, says the media's "insinuation that [Elin] would be aggressive or attacking is just preposterous. ... She always handles herself with class." [ET]
• Tiger Woods posted another apology on his website today — to his sponsors, not his wife. He wrote: "As the final round of the Chevron World Challenge begins, I would like to extend my heartfelt thank you to everyone affiliated with the event, especially our amazing title sponsor, Chevron." [TMZ]
• BREAKING: Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren had a meeting yesterday with a man wearing a suit. [TMZ]
• Ashley Dupre, the former escort who slept with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, weighed in on the Tiger Woods scandal for no apparent reason. She says of the women coming forward about their affairs with Tiger, "I don't agree with that they're doing. I don't agree with coming forward," but adds, "When you sleep with a married man... first of all, you're only helping them stay married." [Extra]
• Mindy Lawton, one of Tiger Woods alleged mistresses, was charged with felony DWI in January for rear ending a car that hit another car and failing a sobriety test. [TMZ]
• According to this guide in People, Tiger Woods may have as many as 12 mistresses, including porn star Holly Sampson, an "Anonymous Florida Cougar," and "Trailer Trash Orlando Neighbor." Okay. [People]
• Yes, it can get worse: One of Tiger Woods' mistresses contacted Playgirl with an offer to sell pictures of his penis that she took on her cell phone. [Perez Hilton]
• Michelle Duggar, who is pregnant with her 19th child, was rushed to the hospital this weekend. "Michelle Duggar was admitted to an Arkansas hospital due to gallbladder issues," says a TLC rep. "The pain from a gallstone was generating some contractions... Though there were some fears that the baby was in trouble initially, it soon was discovered to be solely the gallstone causing the discomfort. Michelle is resting comfortably, and the baby is doing fine." [People]
• Alexa Ray Joel is doing better after being hospitalized for a suicide attempt or "reaction to herbal medication." Her rep says, "She is feeling much better. She is with her family and looking forward to getting back on track... I want to thank everyone for their outpouring of love and support." [People]
• Pete Doherty was arrested outside a bar in Germany for throwing a pint glass at a parked car, smashing the back window. The bartender said: "He was drinking shots and constantly asking where to get cocaine." [Ireland Online]
• Russell Brand says Katy Perry has helped him settle down. "It was a deep craving within me – I mistook it for lust," he said. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough – to get the right one. I'm ever so happy." As for marriage, he said, "I don't know, get married, you say? That would be good, isn't it? I want to have children – that would be good." [People]
• Though Nas admitted he'd been smoking weed and failed several sobriety tests when he was pulled over for DUI in September he says, "You know what it is ... profiling man ... but you, they can't stop a good man from shining, man." [TMZ]
• Heidi Androl of The Apprentice was pulled over for DUI around 3 a.m. because someone called the police to report that she was driving only 35 on the California Freeway. She performed "poorly" on several field sobriety tests. [TMZ]
• Chaz Bono and his girlfriend Jennifer Elia bought children's books at Kitson for Kids this weekend, so Jennifer must be pregnant. [Perez Hilton]
• Andrew McCarthy is going to direct an episode of Gossip Girl in the spring. He says the show's stars are different from the Brat Pack because, "They are much more savvy than we were... We were just a bunch of dumb kids running around." [People]
• Eminem's new song "Elevator," Includes this line: "Sorry, Lance, Mr. Lambert, and Aiken ain't gonna make it/ They get so mad, when I call them both fake/ It's all these fucking voices in my head, I can't take it." It seems tame for him, but he pronounces "fake it's" as "faggots." Adam Lambert Tweeted: "Wow, Eminem mentioned me in a song?! I must be doing something right!? Even if he used the 'F word,'" Clay Aiken and Lance Bass haven't responded. [N.Y. Magazine]
• Sadie Frost says she doesn't know or care if Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together: "I don't really know what the situation is, because it doesn't affect me. They're in the same circles, I'm sure they're friends, it's not my business to ask." [Telegraph]
• South Africans are mad that Jennifer Hudson has been cast as Winnie Madikizela-Mandela in an upcoming film instead of a native actress. In a press conference, the president of the Creative Workers Union of South Africa said, "We want to develop our own Hollywood, and yet we keep bringing in imports." [Times Online]
• A couple from Michigan was arrested for allegedly blackmailing John Stamos for $700,000 and threatening to release photos of Stamos from a 2004 party that would "hurt his reputation." [The Smoking Gun]
• According to an account posted on Weezer's website, their tour bus crashed early yesterday morning in upstate New York when the bus slid on black ice and dropped about 10 feet into a ditch. Rivers Cuomo cracked three ribs, but thankfully his wife and baby, who were also on the bus, were uninjured. [N.Y. Magazine]
• Al Pacino will play Shylock in Shakespeare in the Park's production of The Merchant of Venice this summer. He previously played Shylock in a 2004 film. [NYT]
• American Family Insurance has taken a cue from Domino's and pulled it's ads from the MTV show Jersey Shore. "After seeing this show over the weekend, had we known the content, we would not have placed our ads on this show," said a rep. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston hosted a party for 100 friends and employees at her house on Sunday. "Jen loves Christmas, and her house was festively decorated with a huge tree, twinkling Christmas lights and fragrant flower arrangements," says a guest. [People]
• There was speculation that Morrissey cut short a concert in Las Vegas because he was offended by drunken audience member vomiting and brawling, but he cancelled a concert the next day because he had "blown out his voice." [Daily Express]
• Jenny McCarthy says she's excited that Jim Carrey's daughter Jane Carrey is expecting a baby. "I think he's going to make the world's best [grandfather] because he is so animated," said Jenny. "I also think I am going to rock as the grandma. I love her and I am excited about this baby." [People]
• Eddie Vedder and Jill McCormick, the mother of his two daughters, got engaged this weekend. [E!]
• Jenna Fischer announced that her wedding to Lee Kirk will take place next summer in L.A. "We just got our save the date cards in, and they're adorable – after many hours and many proofs later," Fischer says. "We're going to hold them until after the holidays before sending them out so they don't get lost in the holiday mail. They were fun to pick out and [it] was a very fun girlie experience to touch the paper." [People]
• Padma Lakshmi spoke about suffering from endometriosis at MIT, where researchers are developing new treatments for the illness. "I guard my privacy closely, and it seems contradictory when I'm standing here, talking about my period," she said. "But you always have to remember the greater goal. What's more important — my privacy, or the lives of women? I chose the latter." [Reuters]
• The Bonnie Hunt Show has been cancelled. [Perez Hilton]
• Brian Bonsall, who played Andy on Family Ties, was arrested this weekend for allegedly hitting his friend in the face with part of a bar stool. There was already a bench warrant out for his arrest from a 2007 assault charge. [TMZ]
• Michelle Rodriguez says working on Avatar was "like working on Star Wars — the first one. You know how now you watch Star Wars [Episode I in 1999] and you're like 'I could've rented or bought the video game then I'd be in control of what's happening' — because everything's so digital and it doesn't feel real. But you watch the first one [Episode IV in 1977] and I don't know how you feel, but I wonder, 'Why does this feel so much greater than the digitized world he [George Lucas] created now?' And I realize it's because of the props. And that's the kind of live-action world that [James Cameron] created." [L.A. Times]
• Glee's Mark Salling says, "I hate the mohawk... It was cool for a while, but I've had it for like a year, you know I'm kind of over it. I feel better when I don't have it." [People]
• Reese Witherspoon says she's forgiven British Prime Minister Gordon Brown for mistaking her for Renee Zellweger last week when she spoke to Parliament about domestic violence. Reese said: "She's lovely and she's short and blond and southern. So I understand! She actually called up a (mutual) friend of ours and said she'd heard about it (Brown's mistake) - it happens all the time. I have a dog and I took the dog to the vet, and they said, 'No no, we're waiting for Renee Zellweger's dog' and I said, 'Actually this is my dog.' Everybody gets us confused a lot. But there's worse people to be confused with other than a lovely actress!" [Daily Express]

If anyone's wondering why Ashley's popping up, it's because she has a single out on MySpace, which Watch What Happens host Andy Cohen mentions at the end of the clip. Ashley makes a reasonable point that others have pointed out about the women who are currently claming that Tiger Woods cheated with them: "I was forced into this situation, I had no choice, and these girls for them to just come forward, I don't understand that, I don't know who would want what I have." Of course, Ashley is saying this on TV, so maybe they do want what she accidentally got: fame at any cost.

Related: Ashley Dupre Cannot Stop Talking to Tabloids About Prostitution [Gawker]

• Oy. Vey. When Mark Fast chose to use three plus-size models in his Friday show, one staffer allegedly quit in protest and the stylist was so abusive to the models that she was fired; a Telegraph stylist stepped in. [Fashionista]

• And it gets worse! Because some claimed that "the larger models were in need of supportive underwear beneath the tight dresses." [Guardian]
• Ashley Dupre - otherwise known as the hooker who brought down New York governor Eliot Spitzer - was not welcome at the Tommy Hilfiger store opening. [NY Post]
• Gisele is getting her helicopter pilot's license. [TMZ]
• She's also been named a United Nations Environment Programme Ambassador. Maybe that's why she needs the license? [New York]
• And she's taking on the Brazilian government over Amazon deforestation! [AP]
• Agyness Deyn is reportedly back on with Albert Hammond, Jr. Does this count as fashion news? [Daily Express]
• Pringle of Scotland is remaking its trad tweeds image in time for London Fashion week. [Independent]
• Burberry's pinning its economic hopes on Spring 2010, premiering tonight in London. [TimesUK]
• A good sign: Mary-Kate and Ashley will reportedly be at the show. [Sassybella]
• Celebrating a quarter century, London Fashion Week doesn't feel a day over 24: "London fashion has been iconoclastic and edgy for a quarter of a century, and the shows on the runways - from wacky 1980s revivals to whimsical romance - are bringing a gust of energy to a chastened fashion world." [NYT]
• La Wintour agrees: "I love the spirit of London, it is such a place for original talent. I love the way they can makes clothes out of nothing, conjure up an atmosphere out of nothing. It's very special." [Telegraph]
• Who needs nothing when you've got Naomi Campbell? "The supermodel took the Issa Spring/Summer 2010 show by storm, revealing the same flawless figure she debuted 20 years ago." [Daily Mail]
• The word on Jimmy Choo for H&M: it's ok. [Racked]
• Speaking of "democratic" collabs, Ruffian is designing for Anthropologie. [WWD]
• Norma Kamali does them one better: she's designing for Wal-Mart. And eBay. On an iPhone. [WWD]
• Which is nice for eBay, because they were just fined 80,000 euros for ripping off LVMH. [Reuters]
• LVMH can use the money, because they may be investing in fashion It girls Rodarte. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Donna Karan is launching her own line of Spanx. Except they're not called Spanx, they're called Smoothies. [WWD]
• Also in packaging news: Brian Reyes is designing condom wrappers, the proceeds of which go towards Planned Parenthood. [Sassybella]
• This is clearly going to sell out instantly. "The YSL Edition New Vintage collection will comprise a numbered range of archival styles in various fabrics from the Paris firm's inventory." Okay, probably not to us. [WWD]
• DVF talks about her husband's sexuality, which we thought was acknowledged to be gay, but whatever. "He doesn't know why (he never dated women.) He was very held and reserved. And with me it's like, shumm! [She mimes a door bursting open.] So I was flattered." [TimesUK]
• Are we ready for The Real Kate Moss? Apparently a new documentary on her friend, celeb stylist James Brown (not the dead one) will show us "how funny and warm and caring she is." [WWD]
• Twiggy: "I'm careful what I eat now as I'm older but I love food and I love cooking. I've definitely changed shape...When I was younger I weighed six and a half stone but ate like a horse. I'm now eight and a half stone and at last I have boobs – I never had those in the Sixties." [Daily Express]

Levi Johnston belongs to that particular breed of Americans Cast Into the Public Eye. And as we know, once you are Cast Into the Public Eye, you are absolutely powerless: you are compelled to sell tell-alls and cameo in movies and host reality shows because that is what society does to you. For every Jackie O, characterized by her devotion to privacy, we'll raise you an Octomom. In a world where 98% of humanity seeks out celebrity, we always feel bad for those few thrust into the spotlight after, say, a night of unprocted slap-and-tickle in the back of a Camaro. And then they go on Tyra. And Larry King. And the Today show. And do a GQ shoot. And, obviously, hire a publicist.


The Lifer: Brian Gerard "Kato" Kaelin
Prior Career: Full-time houseguest, part-time actor, wit
Claim to Fame: Incoherent and generally irrelevant testimony in the trial of the century
Cash-In: In 1998, he did a "speaking tour" titled The Sixteenth Minute, talking about not being famous anymore. Then he was on a show called House Guest where he crashed at the homes of other D-listers that never aired, and one called Gimme My Reality Show, plus pay-per-view Strip Poker.


The Example: Monica Lewinsky
Prior Career: Student, White House Intern
Claim to Fame: Did have "Improper relationship" with that man, William Jefferson Clinton.
Cash-In: 20/20 interview, Tom Green Show, SNL. Short-lived handbag line. Ill-advised interview with The Daily Mail after the publication of Clinton's biography.
Redemption: Now an Adult, Lewinsky has obtained a Master's from the London School of Economics and seems to be keeping out of the public eye.


The Pro: Ashley Alexandra Dupre
Prior Career: Aspiring singer, waitress, escort.
Claim to Fame: Slept with Client 9.
Cash-In :Appeared on 20/20. Dupre has allegedly hired a manager to help pursue her music career, and is in talks to develop a Tila Tequila-style reality dating show.


The Exploiter: Larry Birkhead
Prior Career: Photographer
Claim to Fame: Is the father.
Cash-In: Protective of his daughter's privacy, Birkehad has apparently hired full-time camera crew to document every moment of father-daughter bonding for such news sources as Us, OK, Life & Style, E!, Access Hollywood, and Entertainment Tonight. Sometimes he chills with Paris Hilton and talks about starring in a reality show with his toddler.


The Villain: Heather Mills
Prior Career: Model, activist.
Claim to Fame: Nasty divorce.
Cash-In: While married to Sir Paul, appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Post-divorce, called Stella McCartney "evil," gave hundreds of interviews, fired people, talked to press, threatened to sue press, appeared on Dancing with the Stars.


The Cautionary Tale: Jason Allen Alexander
Prior Career: Childhood friend, good old boy
Claim to Fame: What happened in Vegas, like most things that happen in Vegas, did not stay remotely near it.
Cash-In: Hired agent, entertained offers, appeared in British documentary, failed to strike while the iron was hot. There but for the grace of God goes Levi!


Psst! Your Handlers Are Showing, Levi [NYT]

• Video: Samantha Ronson peels out of a Vegas club parking lot. A minute later, Lindsay Lohan emerges, saying, "Did she leave? She fucking left? Where's my car? I want my fucking keys now." [TMZ]

• More on this in Midweek Madness, but: Brad Pitt! And the nanny?!?! "Angelina flew into a jealous rage when she walked past the open bedroom door of 8-month-old twins, Knox and Vivienne - and didn't like what she saw! And it's not surprising, for Brad was on the bed, rubbing the back of a pretty young nanny! Angie got so mad she slapped Brad and fired the girl on the spot!" [Star]
• Speaking of Brad and Angie, E! donated $250,000 to the Jolie-Pitt Foundation last year. They probably thought it would get them not-snubbed on the red carpet; the money went to Brad's Make It Right Foundation in New Orleans and three different UN organizations working in Darfur. [Fox 411]
• George Clooney got drunk and was seen stumbling back to his hotel in St. Louis. [Gatecrasher]
• Hmm, Sean "Diddy" Combs says he did Chris Brown and Rihanna a "favor" by letting them stay at his house. "It's my house, and I'm allowed to give my house to whoever I want to give my house to," Diddy told Ellen. "I don't cast a stone – cast judgment on anybody. So, if friends ask me for a favor, then I'm going to be there for a favor as long as I know the energy of the favor is positive." He also said: "I don't think it's right for anybody to hit anybody." [People]
• The father of Chris Brown's manager, Tina Davis, says of the speculation that Chris and Tina were having a romantic relationship is just" old rumors." [E!]
• Hey, guess who's not going to the Kids' Choice Awards? Chris Brown. [People]
• Miley Cyrus says she's not ready to move in with her 20-year-old boyfriend: "I love him to death…but no…[Justin] is so smart, but just like, everything has to, like, go where it's supposed to go and if it doesn't, I get like really frustrated." Uh, what? [Page Six]
• So on Dancing With Stars, Lil Kim gave her former fellow inmates a shoutout. The Scoop asks, "Is it possible for inmates to vote for Dancing With the Stars, but not for the president?" A spokesperson from prison says: "The inmates cannot dial toll-free numbers." And there's no internet. So. [MSNBC Scoop]
• This piece, titled "Octomom Spurs Media Madness" is about how Oprah and Dr. Phil saw ratings jump with Nadya Suleman-themed shows. [Variety]
• Oh, of course TMZ's Harvey Levin has seen the tape of Nadya Suleman giving birth. Jeez. He says the "friend" filming was "annoying the doctors and nurses by getting in the way." [TMZ]
• Holy crap: PETA vice president Dan Mathews shook hands with Anna Wintour. [Page Six]
• The French are mad at Carla Bruni for showing up at a Mexican state dinner wearing "a dazzling array" of diamonds — her husband, President Nicolas Sarkozy, was in Mexico to discuss the world recession. Anyway, they're calling her Marie Antoinette. [Gatecrasher]
• There's an interesting interview with Katy Perry on Esquire's site, and at the top of the web browser frame are the words "Katy Perry Naked - Hot Pics Of Katy Parry[sic] Topless." She is neither naked nor topless. [esquire]
• Someone somewhere claims that Mischa Barton didn't want to audition for the new Melrose Place but to just be given a role. In the end she had to go through the casting process like anyone else, sigh. Tough times! [Perez]
• Meanwhile, word is that Ashlee Simpson is doing Melrose because she wants something stable so she can be close to her baby. [People]
• The American Idol "dialing disaster" was averted, hopefully. You know Anoop's original phone number was a sex line, right? [People]
• Geri Halliwell has said ciao to her Italian fiancé. [The Sun]
• Does Amy Winehouse want to work on a TV quiz show? And more important: Wouldn't you watch? [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse has been updating her Facebook page to say things like "Nothing is worth as much as Blake," and "Where's my oblivious Blakey Boy?" For some reason, this is "news." [The Sun]
• "Hundreds of women in skimpy two-pieces will gather Saturday on the shore in Miami Beach and spell out the word C-O-S-M-O for an aerial photograph to be featured in the August issue." For Cosmopolitan, that classy publication. [Page Six]
• Hulk Hogan needs cash. His lawyers are trying to get some assets unfrozen; the Hulkster had back surgery and won't be able to work for awhile. [AP]
• Q: Are you busy? A: I'm trying to be busy. It's not so easy. Everyone thinks I'm dead. — From an interview with Lauren Bacall. [Houston Chronicle]
• Oy: Matt Lucas, co-creator of Little Britain, is working on a Jewish sitcom. [Telegraph]
• Jade Goody, the Brit celeb diagnosed with cervical cancer and given weeks to live, has left the hospital to be home with her husband and kids. [BBC News]
• Sir Paul McCartney's show in Las Vegas is already sold out, sorry. Tickets were gone seven seconds after going on sale. [Mirror]
• Blind item: "Which Celebrity Apprentice was such a boozebag behind the scenes that all alcohol had to be removed from the set?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I wasn't, quote, 'dropped' from the movie. I resigned from the movie because I didn't think I had enough time to achieve the look of the wrestler who was on steroids, which I would never do." — Nicolas Cage, on The Wrestler. Then he said: "The movie was written for Mickey. And, for whatever reason, they couldn't get the financing for the movie back then."
• "Fortunately I haven't had any break-ups. This is my first relationship. I'm very, very happy, that's all I'll say. We were together for a really long time before we got married, we were in no rush." — Beyoncé. [The Star]
• "I always wanted to suspend from the ceiling in a twirling banana. I'm going to be inside the banana. So the banana drops into a fruit bowl with the other sparkling, glorious fruit, and their tops pop off and dancers come out and help peel me out of the banana. I have a fascination with fruit… It's Lucille Ball meets Bob Mackie. It's about innuendo. I want everybody to get the joke, but I want them to think about it for a minute." — Katy Perry, on her persona. [Esquire]
• "If things happen in the press that are hard to deal with or you give in to that awful temptation to occasionally Google yourself and be mortified at what people can write about you. It's hard to ignore it. Keira will phone me up. She's like, 'I'm thinking about doing it.' I'm like, 'I am, too, but don't do it.' And we'll kind of talk each other out of it." — Sienna Miller, on her friendship with Keira Knightley. [Mirror]
• "My mom thought it was cool that if you got a business card that said 'Taylor' you wouldn't know if it was a guy or a girl. She wanted me to be a business person in a business world." — Taylor Swift. [Rolling Stone]
• "That one kinda hurts, because I don't have any rights to participate in it at all. It was done at a time when I was dirt poor so I had to sell everything when I sold the script, so that one hurts a bit." — Wes Craven on the remake of Nightmare On Elm Street. [The Star]
• "The past year has obviously been very difficult for me. Yoga has really helped me turn it into a huge learning experience. I'm working hard to take what I went through and turn it into something positive. Yoga helps me focus." — Ashley Dupre, former call girl of former Governor Eliot Spitzer. [Page Six]
• "My feeling about the movies is that most of them are terrible. If you don't have a decent script and a decent director, forget it. That's why I thought the Benjamin Button movie was so encouraging. I'll forgive anybody anything if they have talent. What I find most disconcerting is that people in the profession are not creative but only interested in money, which is what this country is most about. It doesn't appreciate talent. … For eight years we had a moron in the White House who didn't even know what art meant." — Lauren Bacall. There are more quips in the interview! [Houston Chronicle]

• Suck on this: Madonna will be involved in New Moon, the Twilight sequel. Her Madgesty will not only be in the film, but supply music for the soundtrack. Brain exploding, brb. [ONTD via E!]

• Hayden Panettiere, 19, and Milo Ventimiglia, 31, are over. Done. Apparently "Hayden tried to break up with Milo many times since Christmas, but he wouldn't accept it." She wants to be free; he wants to settle down. [Star]
• Lily Allen and Perez Hilton are in a "Twitter catfight." He wrote: "If I wanted to be a fucked-up Brit, I'd rather be Amy Winehouse – whose[sic] got talent." She fired back: "God, you're like so obsessed with me its embarrassing." He sniped about her album being discounted; she called him a little parasite. Isn't the internet fun? [Telegraph]
• A charity set up by Prince Harry is accused of promising £30,000 to the children of poverty-stricken Lesotho, only to have the money fail to materialize. [Telegraph]
• Prince Harry also flew a training aircraft yesterday, despite failing his exams last week. [Daily Mail]
• David Beckham "finally got" wife Victoria to agree to move to Milan. Ciao, off you go! [The Sun]
• Chris Brown has hired Paris Hilton's spin doctor, Mike Sitrick. But Fox News's Roger Friedman says Sitrick is "universally disliked by the press" and that Chris is "clueless." [Fox 411]
• Julia Roberts looks beachy keen on the March cover of Allure and says she'd like to have dinner with the Obamas. "The girls can play with my kids." She also says: "I think it should be against the law to take a picture of a celebrity's child." [MSNBC Scoop]
• More from Julia in Allure, talking about her kids: "I will never be bored again… [I have] little time theives running around [the] house." And her life: "I'm the luckiest girl in town, I really am." Yawn! [People]
• Halle Berry will star in a flick called Who Is Doris Payne, about an international jewel thief whose career spanned five decades. Rejoice: Neither a hooker, a victim nor a doormat! [Variety]
• Drew Barrymore has a crush on Christian Bale. Back of the line, dear. [Mirror]
• Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto wants a meaty, "ugly" role: "I don't want to be known as just a pretty face. I loved Charlize Theron in Monster. I want to play parts that are challenging and inspiring." Good luck! [Mirror]
• Peaches Geldof made the paper for wearing fishnet thigh-highs with garters. Slow news day? [The Sun]
• Wowza, check out Emily Blunt in this tribute to Blue Velvet. Lynchy! [BlackBook]
• Anne Hathaway, Anne Archer, Charlize Theron, Kerry Washington, Camryn Manheim, Jessica Alba, Maria Bello, Rosario Dawson and others were on hand for V-Day, a global movement to end violence against women, hosted by feminist playwright Eve Ensler and Glamour. [WWD]
• Grace Jones arrived so late for the African Fashion Collection bash the other night, the party was already over. [Page Six]
• Becki Newton, Ugly Betty's Amanda, swears the show is not cancelled: "We don't know what's going to be happening with the time slot, but we're well into season three, and we just got picked up for season four. There was panic for no reason." [Gatecrasher]
• Jackie Chan is starring in a new flick so violent that it's not being released in mainland China. Of course, that makes us want to see it. Okay, just saw a trailer and it looks epic. [AP]
• There's ultra-violence in Quentin Tarantino's new film, Inglourious Basterds; Nazis get scalped, hit by bats and machine-gunned down. [Page Six]
• PR queen Kelly Cutrone (seen on The Hills and The City) is friends with Eliot Spitzer's ex-hooker, Ashley Dupre. Cutrone says: "I met Ashley through friends in the music industry, I liked her and decided I would be nice to her. I will continue to be nice to her." [Page Six]
• Steven Van Zandt of The Sopranos and the E street band has a radio show, Little Steven's Underground Garage. [Guardian]
• Amy Fisher is a stripper now. "I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, 'Dear, please put your clothes back on. You're too old.'" [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which crazy comic tells everyone about his, ummm, taste for booty whenever he's trashed? Talk about TMI!" [Gatecrasher]
• "A lot of people are scared of him, not just because of his position, but because of his temper. I don't think he ever had the time for 'la dolce vita.' I showed him how." —Carla Bruni on husband Nicolas Sarkozy. [Daily Mail]
• "Do I look like I care? I really don't think about [Joop or what he said]. What am I supposed to say? It's his opinion. What do you think?" — Heidi Klum, on being called "too heavy" to be a runway model. [Gatecrasher]
• "The character is learning lessons about consumption and debt like the rest of us right now. It feels fairly topical. Obviously the movie was conceived during a different economic period but she learns her lesson. It is a redemption story." — Isla Fisher, defending the timing of her Shopaholic picture. [Mirror]
• "She was the greatest show on earth last year. She was going through her issues in public... It was great to watch her spin out of control because it makes the average person feel better." — 50 Cent on Britney Spears, who helped inspire his album Before I Self Destruct. [MSNBC, Mirror]
• "I'm a sentimental person who's trying very hard to be a tough cynical person. This show has been more than a job for me; I met my wife on a remote, and we have two kids. I got my dog through this show. This has been a huge central part of my life. I'm quite good at denial, so I've been keeping it at bay. There's not time to dwell. (But) when we're doing the last show, it'll hit me. I'll probably cry like a baby." — Conan O'Brien on leaving Late Night for Tonight. [USA Today]
• "That was the least of our problems. I was always really proud of her success. I'm not a competitive person, and I have no aspirations to be a giant in this industry. I like making movies, but I never had designs on making $25 million a picture." — Ryan Phillippe, denying that he was ever jealous of wife Reese Witherspoon's success. [Contact Music]
• "I can't say that I'm still pole dancing. It's hard! I understand the hazards of the exotic dancer in a way I never imagined." — Marisa Tomei, on the skills she learned for The Wrestler. [Mirror]
• "I had to run and scream while wearing it! But it helps your posture, and certainly makes your boobs look fantastic. My internal organs now loathe me, however, so it might be good to do something in jeans and T-shirts. After all, I don't want to be typecast as the 'English rose' -that's boring, isn't it?" — Emily Blunt on wearing a corset in Wolf Man. [BlackBook]
• "Chris Brown's lies and excuses make me want to beat the crap out of him... He uses the language of the perpetrator just like every sleazy bastard who ever smacked his wife, kid, mother or girlfriend around uses. You dirty bastard, I hope you go to prison for ten years. IT'S YOUR FAULT, ASSHOLE! As for all the mealy mouthed Hollywood and music scene chicks that can't bring themselves to condemn a misogynistic bully, let me say this: Your time as whores for propaganda is ending, bitches." — Roseanne Barr. [ONTD]
• "I've been at war, without a doubt. I've really experienced the judgment of women in the past year. We say we want to be equal, but men don't sit around bitching at each other. There's no sisterhood." — Sienna Miller. [Mirror]

Dupré may have chosen sex work, and might say that it's similar to hooking up with a date, but the self-described "normal girl" identifies the roots of her choices in her drug and alcohol abuse and her sexual assault. And according to the UK government, it's not an uncommon start to life as a sex worker.

This week, UK Home Secretary Jacqui Smith announced a package of reforms to Britain's prostitution law that doesn't criminalize the act of selling sex but does criminalize the act of buying it on the streets or from someone coerced into selling it. In response to criticisms from sex workers organizations, Smith said:

"My argument with the English Collective of Prostitutes is that somehow there seems to be an implication that it isn't underground and doesn't involve exploitation and these are all women making a free choice at the moment.

"I am afraid that everything we have discovered from enforcement action and through talking to prostitutes is that this is not the case.

"We have already got a problem with trafficking. We have already got a situation where a majority of women - even when they haven't been trafficked - say they want to get out of prostitution, and quite often got involved in it under the age of 18 effectively as children."

The new laws are designed to crack down on trafficking and exploitation and, in some cases, to shame repeat (male) offenders as well as educate them. Under the new laws, men will not be able to pick up women in public places to engage in sex acts and, if caught doing so, will likely face a penalty similar to what happens in one of London's boroughs where men whose license plates are picked up on closed circuit cameras receive notices in the mail that they were caught.

In addition, it will no longer be a defense that a man unknowingly had sex with a trafficked woman, and such men will face stiffer fines and penalties than ever before. If a man is found to have knowingly had sex with a trafficked woman, he won't face prostitution charges — he'll face rape charges, which is frankly, the only right legal response. The police will be given the power to shut down any brothel found to be employing trafficked women knowingly or unknowingly — currently, they can only do so if there are hard drugs or "anti-social behavior" is involved.

The difficulty is that, unlike Ashley Dupré, many women don't have supportive families (or high-end clients) who provide them with the financial opportunities to get out of sex work, even if they made a knowing, relatively rational choice to get into it — and more women than that are coerced or driven to it by some of the same circumstances (drug and alcohol use and sexual abuse) that led Dupré to make her decision. For each law that gets passed to try to mitigate some of the worst of the abuses in sex work, there should be money allocated to help women (and men) that would like to get out of it.

And if we're naming and shaming customers and regulating sex workers, how about a law that a man found utilizing the services of sex workers be subject to mandatory STI screenings and his spouse automatically notified? If you want to scare or shame men into stopping, make sure they know the risks of their behavior really, really well.

Ashley Dupre Exclusive: 'My Side of The Story' [ABC News]
Ex-Call Girl Ashley Dupré: I'm a 'Normal Girl' [People]
'I'm Sorry For Your Pain, Silda' [NY Post]
Prostitute Users Face Clampdown [BBC]
'No More Excuses' For Men Who Use Prostitutes, Says Smith [The Independent]

Related: Seven Careers For Ashley Dupre [Gawker]

• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long: Dunzo. Sigh. They seemed so ridiculously happy, didn't they? They've been together since August 2007, though they knew each other for seven years before getting serious. Drew's been through so much… Sniff. [Us Magazine]
• Kate Moss and Jamie Hince: Also splitsville! Sob. Now Cher is stuck in my head. [People]
• Matthew McConaughey is a dad! Camilla Alves gave birth to a baby boy yesterday. Matt and Camilla are both "stoked." [Us Magazine]
• Lily Allen is back with Ed Simons from the Chemical Brothers. This is according to diligent reporting by checking their Facebook profiles. [The Sun]
• Oh! And Samantha Ronson bought Lindsay Lohan a $21,000 Cartier ring. It's not an engagement ring, it's a token of her commitment. But yeah. Ah, love. [Mirror]
• James Haven and Maddox Jolie-Pitt visited Angelina Jolie in the hospital over the weekend. Still no twins! [People]
• Amy Winehouse is addicted. To tanning beds. [The Sun]

• Wait! Amy Winehouse as Doctor Who? Seriously? [The Sun]
• Ashley Dupré, the high-class hooker of whom Eliot Spitzer was a client, is developing a cable reality series. Hmmm. Possible names: Hookin Ain't Easy, Girl Gone Mild, You, Me & Dupré. Meh. Got anything? [E!]
• Did Nicole Kidman name her new daughter Sunday because Keith Urban has a song called Sunday? Or is it because Nic's Catholic and still bitter about her Scientology experience? [MSNBC]
• Steve-O says that after 115 days of sobriety, he's "back in the looney bin." Uh-oh. [USA Today]
• Pete Doherty missed a £60,000 gig this weekend because his cat went into labor. Kittens! [The Sun]
• Serena Williams's maybe-boyfriend Common was in London where — what a coincidence! — Serena was kicking ass at Wimbeldon. She had a house, he had a hotel room, the whole thing is super hush-hush. [E!]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal checked in with Katie Holmes before she agreed to play the part of Rachel in the new Batman flick. "I wanted to be sure, first of all, that I had her blessing," Maggie says. "And I was assured that I did. I'm a big fan of hers, I think she was really great in the first movie. And yet I felt like it wouldn't have done anyone any good if I tried to imitate her. Really what I decided was that it had to be a whole new woman. If I'm going to do what I do well, I have to be free to do it." [Contact Music]
• Shaquille O'Neal is supposedly getting divorced, and yet he was all hugged up with the wife in the Cayman Islands over the weekend. [TMZ]
• Selma Blair was one of the only Hellboy II stars who didn't have to wear prosthetics or heavy makeup, so naturally, she teased her castmates relentlessly. "On the hottest days, when the other actors [couldn't] breathe in their makeup, I breeze in and say how sweaty I feel in my cotton tank top," she says. I plan to see this movie, and I'm not ashamed to say so. Anyone else? [Page Six]
• Are you interested in Kid Rock's "skanky panky"? Click here, no one will judge you. But it's not that interesting. [Rush & Molloy]
• Psyched about Mamma Mia!? Don't get your hopes up for an ABBA reunion tour. [Yahoo News]
• The Osbournes are coming back to TV! The family will host a prime-time variety hour kinda like Sonny and Cher had. Good idea? [Reuters]
• News you did not need to know: Flavor Flav lost his virginity at the age of six. [Perez Hilton]
• Keanu Reeves' court transcript regarding a paparazzo's negligence lawsuit will be sealed because it's none of your business. [E!]
• Kanye West may be taking anger management courses. [StereoHyped]
• "I thought innocent until proven guilty also applied in U.S. law. It seems sad when, as everybody who has had a drug problem knows, it takes supreme effort to get where I am today. I was really looking forward to doing my first live tour for a decade, and to be told that after all this hard work, I am not welcome in the U.S. for even six short weeks is heartbreaking. I am hardly a threat to national security. I am just a performer trying to do his job." — Boy George. [Newsweek]
• "My life is part humor, part roses, part thorns. I'll come off the stage at Texas Stadium (and) I'm a rock god. And then, an hour and a half later, I'm throwing a football and waiting for a cheeseburger from a truck stop at Carl's Corner, alongside a freeway. That is the balance in life." — Bret Michaels. [USA Today]
• "I don’t expect to ever get married again or have children. I am never at home and every woman gets sick of it… If I was them, I would never put up with me for long — and they don’t." — George Clooney. [MSNBC]
• Bette Midler answered Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire. Her life motto: "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." [Variety]

• Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and all of their kids have hit the French Riviera. They're staying in a villa owned by Microsoft's Paul Allen that has breathtaking views of the Mediterranean Sea. A source says: "They love France and will now be here until after the babies are born and Angie is looking at Marseille hospitals as a potential place to give birth." [E!]
  
• These rumors about Mariah Carey marrying Nick Cannon will not die. Could they possibly be true??? [People]
  
• Gossip Girl gossip: Girl-on-girl action is on its way! [Perez Hilton]
  
• Plus! Lisa Loeb will make a cameo on Gossip Girl, playing a socialite. Hee! [LA Times]
  
• Paula Abdul spaced out or went cuckoo or something on American Idol. You can watch it here. [EW]

• Gwyneth Paltrow has broken her toes 30 times. She says: "I don't know what's wrong with me. Say there's a coffee table that's been there eight years. One day I'll just not know it's there and bash into it and break my toe." Is her macrobiotic diet giving her brittle bones or something? [Mirror]
• Gwyneth was also seen visiting a back specialist. And yet! She wears high-ass heels on the red carpet. [Daily Mail]
• Another story about Charlie Sheen and hookers, yawn. Although: His silk robe with"C. MaSheen'" embroidered over the pocket? Nice touch. [Page Six]
• Britney's brother Bryan Spears is dating actress Ivana Milicevic. You've seen her, she's been on TV and in a bunch of movies. [Page Six]
• Britney was seen walking around a spa in just her towel? Not sure why this is news. [The Sun]
• Newly sober Kirsten Dunst has been taking her All Good Things costar, Ryan Gosling, with her to 12-step meetings. But are they more than just costars? [Page Six]
• Dina Lohan: Seen "dancing, drinking and playing with her hair extensions." [Page Six]
• A judge has dismissed Ron Burkle's lawsuit against Italian businessman Raffaello Follieri, aka Anne Hathaway's boyfriend. [Rush & Molloy]
• Blind item! "What notoriously stingy actress buys books at her neighborhood Barnes & Noble downtown, only to try to exchange the dog-eared copies days later for cash?" [Rush & Molloy]
• Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff have not, repeat, NOT broken up. You may now return to your regularly scheduled apathy. [People]
• My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee is expecting a baby with girlfriend Cenren Alkac. Lee has a 4-year-old son, Pilot Inspektor, with his ex. So what kind of name will this kid get? [People]
• The title of the season finale of The Office is called "Goodbye, Toby." Plus: Spinoff rumors! [E!]
• Rapper T.I.: Has a new single, is hot. [ONTD]
• Diddy is hosting a $4 million "mega-party" to celebrate getting his name on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. David Beckham is helping him. Diddy will have 10 private jets; five different custom-made Sean Jean outfits, including a tux, a smoking jacket, and a top hat and tails; $400,000 worth of booze; and goodie bags with his own damn perfume in them. [Mirror]
• A former UCLA Medical Center hospital worker has been indicted in Federal charges for the theft of medical records of celebs like Farrah Fawcett, Maria Shriver and 60 others. She accepted $4,600 from "an unnamed national media outlet" for the info. [Reuters]
• Is Amy Winehouse leaving her record label? [The Sun]
• There is video proof that Ashley Dupre agreed to be filmed for Girls Gone Wild. [Yahoo News]
• Is Ashlee Simpson returning to reality TV? [MSNBC]
• Grammy-winning singer Mya was scheduled to being performances in Chicago on Broadway, but she's broken her foot! Sucks. [Playbill]
• "We pray for Brody. Honestly, Brody was such a good friend to me. He hooked Heidi and I up, and I think that everything will work out eventually. I wish that Brody and I were still best friends, I pray every day that everything works out between us." — Spencer Pratt. [People]
• Uma Thurman's parents testified in court yesterday regarding her stalker case. Uma's mom said she believed the stalker, Jack Jordan, "was someone who would benefit from medical attention." [AP]
• Vanilla Ice is off the hook for domestic battery charges because his wife recanted her original statement. [Yahoo News]
• Simon Cowell pays no attention to smoking bans. "He lights up where he likes - and pays the fine if he has to," says a source. [The Sun]
• Edie Falco battled breast cancer in 2003 but never told any of her Sopranos costars. [Page Six]
• SO MANY blind items from Michael Musto! "What hyper-quirky stage actor (who's also known for movies and TV) does lots of coke and has sex in club bathrooms when the boyfriend's at home? What fashion-magazine editor—no, not the obvious one—still has no idea how to use the Internet? (She has to have e-mails read aloud to her and then dictates the reply.) What current anchor is said to have been lesbian lovers with that unhinged late anchor, according to ancient legend? Which female rocker best known from the '70s and '80s recently got so plowed she blew chunks all over a nightclub? Which star who went from Hollywood hotshot to joke to rebounding talent has an impressively large member to go with his award? What longtime r&b singer was spotted in Harlem, where she told a fan who accosted her: 'If you ain't the crack man, don't come near me!'? Which legendary actor's bisexual father is murmured to have died of AIDS, not of "cancer," as the family officially reported? Which scandal-ridden ex-TV personality would have gotten a gay record deal, but he wouldn't come out of the closet? Shouldn't someone say, 'Who do you think you are?' Which star who denies being gay used to give so-so head and has a penis that's even less than four and a half inches? What famous grandson is so delightfully kinky he recently lodged M&Ms up his butt, turning his hole into a veritable McFlurry of sexual delight? (Alas, they melted before they could be of any use.) About which talk-show host's supposed girlfriend was Rosie O'Donnell heard to say: 'Look at her nails! She could never be a lesbian with those nails!'?" [Village Voice]

• Did Mariah Carey have an eye job or something? She won't walk down the red carpet without her sunglasses. If so, it's probably not her first procedure; her nose and boobs seem to have changed in the past few years. [Page Six]
  
• Also: Mariah's been wearing a giant ring that gossipers want you to think is engagement-esque. And she's been hanging with Nick Cannon. [People]
  
• David Bowie and Iman's 7-year-old daughter, Alexandria, listens to Hilary Duff songs, at which point "David just leaves the room," Iman says. "He thinks she should be listening to underground music." [ONTD]

• Amy Winehouse says she's not cheating on her hubby: "Me and Blake are meant for each other, he's my man." [Mirror]
• But, um, apparently Blake Incarcerated thinks she's divorcing him and wants £3 million. These tears dry on their own. [The Sun]
• But Amy denies having an affair. [Daily Mail]
• Ashley Alexandra Dupre is suing Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis. Her statement claims that she was offered alcoholic drinks and "once intoxicated, she was induced into exposing her breasts while being filmed and told to sign a 'release' form." She was 17 at the time and not "legally competent" to enter a into a contract. She's seeking $10 million. [ET]
• Joe Francis says: "To show my appreciation, I'm sending Ashley a dozen cupcakes from Magnolia (Bakery)- assorted with sprinkles along with a card attached that says thanks for the free publicity." [Rush & Molloy]
• So yeah, Britney's back on How I Met Your Mother. Abby, the "sassy office assistant," will try and get revenge on her crush, Ted, since he's dating her boss. Yawn. [Yahoo News]
• Meanwhile, Brit's Child Custody Evaluation report, which is "several hundred" pages long, is both damaging and encouraging for Britney. [TMZ]
• Jamie Lee Curtis says of Miley's pix: "I only wish that her guardians had protected her." [People]
• Bill O'Reilly on Miley Cyrus's Vanity Fair pix: "If you have a billion dollar franchise, you don't throw it away." And what about the millions of Hannah Montana-loving kids? [Perez Hilton]
• Kathy Griffin and Apple billionaire Steve Wozniak: Dunzo. "As a matter of fact, I got an email last week from him, and he is going to marry someone else," Kathy says. "I think he might be married. I don't really know that for sure, though." [WOW]
• Tracy Ullman plays Dina Lohan on her show, State Of The Union, and says: "I think I need to get bigger, better teeth to play her... American teeth that will do her justice." [Page Six]
• Ludacris with lipstick on his collar sounds like a song. [E!
• Jason "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" Segel: Seen making out with soap star Adrienne Frantz. [Page Six]
• Kristin Bell still has her Catholic high school uniform. "I tucked that away when I was 18," she says. "I'm going to wear it on my wedding night." [Page Six]
• Pamela Anderson is now an American citizen. [Page Six]
• Dancing With The Stars' Christian de la Fuente was rushed to the hospital after being injured while dancing with Cheryl Burke. He got hurt dancing. [TMZ]
• Rocker Scott Weiland has been sentenced to 192 hours in county jail for his November DUI arrest. Good luck! [TMZ]
• Shenae Grimes, who plays Darcy on Degrassi: The Next Generation, will be joining the cast of the 90210 spinoff. I'll admit I used to watch D:TNG. The storyline where Darcy posed half naked in her cheerleader uniform and sold the pictures to some guy over the internet was crazytown. [ET]
• Is Ryan Seacrest going to get kicked off of American Idol? [MSNBC]
• A documentary fronted by Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson — in which she plays "lifestyle coach" — might be dropped from the UK's ITV after one of the participants was arrested following the discovery of the body of an 18-year-old man in her apartment. [Variety]
• Victoria Beckham's boobs are gone. Isn't that old news? [The Sun]
• Mel Gibson will be in his first feature film since 2002. He'll play a police investigator. Wouldn't it be awesome if the cop were a Jew? [Yahoo News]
• The guy accused of stalking Uma Thurman might not have broken any laws. "He loved her and possibly still does. He never wanted to annoy her, threaten her or alarm her," says his lawyer. "Creepy? Yes. Obsessed? Yes. Criminal? No." Uma is testifying in court today. [Reuters]
• Cher had a fling with Tom Cruise at the start of his career. She's 16 years older than he is! And there's a joke in there about Cher being popular with The Gays but it's best left alone. [Daily Mail]
• Janet Jackson's boobs are in the news again. She wasn't wearing a bra at the GLAAD awards and it was pretty obvious. [Daily News]
• Four words: Jimi Hendrix sex tape. Let me stand next to your fire! [NY Times]

• The new issue of Vanity Fair isn't out yet, but Miley Cyrus is already warning fans that she's mortified of the semi-topless pictures of herself inside. "I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed," she says. A starlet's first shameful shoot is a tale as old as time and a rite of passage, no? [Us Magazine]
  
• The Disney Channel, which airs Miley's hit show, Hannah Montana, says: "Unfortunately... A situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines." [People]
  
• Ooooh here's a shot. Provocative? It's Annie Leibovitz, of course. She's really been controversial lately. [E!]
  
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt did attend the White House Correspondents dinner on Saturday night. They sat at Fortune magazine's table. Other tidbits from that night: Colin Firth couldn't get into the Bloomberg party; Kal Penn (aka Kumar of Harold & Kumar) hung with Salman Rushie and claims he doesn't actually smoke weed; Pete Wentz shouted, "I just want to thank my girlfriend's vagina!" before he started DJing. Stay classy, D.C.! [Page Six]

• And a reader texted us from a cell phone: "Heidi & spencer are sitting behind me @ the whca dinner. Verrry touchy."
• Owen Wilson: Partying in Miami with Richie Sambora and Vince Vaughn. Just like old times! [People]
• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer: Went on a date in Miami. You know, they might actually be great together. [People]
• Oooh, Sheryl Crow set them up. [Enquirer]
• Joel Madden surprised Nicole Richie with a trip to the California desert for the Coachella music festival, and they brought the baby. Not to the show, to the desert. [People]
• Meanwhile: Paris Hilton and Benji Madden might actually get married. Making Paris and Nicole sisters-in-law. It's surreal, isn't it? [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse is not getting a divorce from Blake Incarcerated, despite the rumors (which we haven't heard.) [People]
• Amy's out of jail, btw, after being arrested for allegedly slapping a dude. [E!]
• Oh, wait! Amy "bonked" Blake Wood! Also known as Blake II. A source says "you could hear them down the hall." [The Sun]
• And um, this paper claims Amy has a new lover named Alex Haines. Damn, girl. [Mirror]
• Paul McCartney is "writing" a coffee table book which will contain hundreds of photos taken by his late wife Linda. [Mirror]
• Joyce Carol Oates is writing a fictionalized version of the death of pageant girl JonBenet Ramsey. [Page Six]
• Oprah's interview with Tom Cruise — which will air next week — includes her asking him about Scientology, couch-jumping and Matt Lauer. [E!]
• Tom Cruise took Connor and Isabella to see David Beckham play for the L.A. Galaxy on Saturday. No Katie, no Suri. Shocking, I know. Try and collect yourself. [TMZ]
• Ashley Dupre, Eliot Spitzer's call girl, has signed up with a top music manager, but the record labels they've been pitching have turned them down. Oh, and apparently she can't do anything that generates income until she works out a deal regarding potential charges. [Gatecrasher]
• Oh, Christ: A superfan who has seen Spamalot 40 times thinks Clay Aiken is "the savior." As in Jesus. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which methed-up TV personality tells British pals: "I always know I'm home when I see the Albert Bridge [in London], because I'm just minutes from my drug dealer's place!" [Gatecrasher]
• Fans at a Bon Jovi concert in Sunrise, FL were evacuated due to a bomb threat. Cuz they're wanted, (waaanted) dead or alive. [TMZ]
• Country singer Kenny Chesney hurt his foot at a concert in South Carolina but continued his show. His boot had to be cut off after the show, ouch. [USA Today]
• Ashley Judd's husband, Dario Franchitti, was involved in a NASCAR crash over the weekend. He wasn't injured but his car was smashed up. [Perez Hilton]
• Guy Ritchie hasn't been traveling with Madonna because someone has to stay home with the African kid while the adoption investigation is ongoing. [Perez Hilton]

• A fight broke out on the set of Pharrell's new video a few hours before Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson showed up. Oh, and the N.E.R.D. song, "Everybody Nose," is about girls waiting on line for a club bathroom to do coke. [Page Six]
  
• Hey, guess who is making a cameo appearance in that video about cocaine? Your girl Lindsay! Classy. [Perez Hilton]
  
• Contrary to earlier reports, a source says Lindsay's album is on track to be released this fall. [People]
  
• As previously reported, Anne Hathaway's boyfriend, Italian property developer Raffaelo Follieri, was arrested for trying to pass a bad check for $250,000. [People]
  
• Also as previously reported: Naomi Campbell was arrested after a kerfluffle at Heathrow's Terminal 5, after a dispute involving a missing piece of luggage. Since Terminal 5 opened last week, more than 28,000 bags have been separated from their owners. Naomi is out on bail and must report to the police station in late May. [Yahoo News]
  
• There's some new strain of medical marijuana people are calling "Tom Cruise Purple" and guess whose lawyers are investigating? Spoil sport. [Rush & Molloy]

• Are Beyoncé and Jay-Z getting married today? [Mirror]
• It seems like they are! Guests must wear ivory and the location was not on the invitation. [Concrete Loop]
• Madonna's new video, "4 Minutes," is out! Watch Madge and Justin Timberlake undulate and flirt! [People]
• Officials in Malawi are backing Madonna's effort to adopt David Banda, which looks like a go — we'll know when she visits the country next week. [Mirror]
• Prince William and girlfriend Kate Middleton were seen dancing, giggling and kissing at a charity event with a burlesque theme. Is he gonna marry her or what? [People]
• Nicolas Cage has won libel action against the Daily Mail and actress Kathleen Turner over false allegations that he'd been arrested for drunk driving and had stolen a dog. [Guardian]
• George Clooney's request for a writing credit on new film Leatherheads was denied by the Writers Guild, so Clooney has withdrawn from the union. [Reuters]
• "Motherhood has never been an ambition. I don't think like that. I never have expectations like, 'When I'm 19 I'm going to do this, and by the time I've hit 25 I'm going to do that'. I just take things as they come, each day at a time, and if things happen then all well and good." — Renee Zellweger. [ONTD]
• Kate Moss and Agyness Deyn are in a spat, yawn. [Mirror]
• Scott Storch had trouble getting into a club and it made the papers. [Page Six]
• Maya Angelou is turning 80 this weekend, so Oprah is throwing her a huge three-day party in Palm Beach! Perhaps our invitation was lost in the mail? [Page Six]
• Chloe Sevigny collapsed on the way to the Nylon anniversary party she was supposed to be hosting due to a viral infection. [Page Six]
• Mick Jagger wears Nikes with platform soles so he can measure up to his 6 foot 2 girlfriend L'Wren Scott. You make a grown man cry! [Page Six]
• Heather Mills is moving to New York. Sigh. [Gatecrasher]
• Hmm, Yoko Ono is sympathetic to Heather Mills. "It's not very easy for a woman to be associated with The Beatles," Yoko says. [Mirror]
• Shanna Moakler, former Miss USA and ex of Blink 182's Travis Barker, is now datng Jay Grdina, Jenna Jameson's ex. Romantic. [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which publicist for the wife of one of Hollywood's biggest old school action stars doubles as a rep for her skin-care range? A journalist who recently expressed polite interest in the line was offered the chance to buy some." [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which proud new papa cheated on his fiancée two years ago with a famous starlet? The two were hanging at a private bash in his apartment when the mood turned a little lustful." [Rush & Molloy]
• Really? More Ashley Dupre Girls Gone Wild photos? So over it. [TMZ]
• 50 Cent's baby mama wants to stay in her $2.4 million Long Island mansion even thought 50 owns the house and they split up years ago. [TMZ]
• Kelly Ripa says she's "so excited" for Kathie Lee Gifford's stint on the Today show. Babe, you're the only one. [People]
• Former ANTM contestant Yaya has been cast on All My Children. Act with your eyes! [ONTD]
• Hulk Hogan is "very happy" with his new girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel, who is — surprise! — a busty blonde, much like his wife. And daughter. [People]
• During the first week of the Beijing Olympics, Mia Farrow will be in Darfur, protesting China's involvement in that region of Africa. [Yahoo News]
• Kevin Federline has spent $50,489 in Vegas over an eight-month period. Guess who pays his credit card bills? The "Bank Of Britney." [TMZ]
• Britney and her mom went shopping at Ed Hardy for birthday presents for Jamie Lynn — today is JLS's 17th birthday. [People]
• Will Britney return to How I Met Your Mother? [USA Today]
• Survey says: No. [ONTD]

• Photographs of Angelina Jolie's (now) unborn babies could be worth a whopping $10 million. An editor who remains anonymous actually says: "It's at the point now where some stars might decide to have more kids just to collect the money from their photos." Hahahahahaha. No. [Page Six]
  
• By the by, People's issue with La Lopez twins sold between 2 and 3 million copies; Nicole Richie's cover sold 1.8 million; Christina Aguilera's sold 1.3 million. [ONTD]
  
• Russell Simmons and wife Kimora have filed for divorce — again. He filed in March 2006, but the proceedings never um, proceeded. In any case, since they have such intertwined careers and businesses, this should be interesting. [TMZ]
  
• They secretly went out two years ago, and now Matthew Perry has rekindled his relationship with Mean Girls actress Lizzy Caplan (she played Janis Ian). She's 13 years younger than he is and it's a "friends with benefits" type thing. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
  
• Tina Fey wants Ashley Dupre, aka Kristen, to be on 30 Rock. A skit involving Jack? Or Kenneth? [Page Six]
  
• Here's video of Ashley Dupre telling a Girls Gone Wild cameraman that she is over 18 and her name is Amber Arpalo. [TMZ]

• A jeweler says Jamie Lynn Spears' engagement ring is "very 1980s, with a yellow gold band." Aw, give the kid a break, she's 16! [E!]
• Ready, set, go: Patrick Dempsey will make an appearance Saturday at Gainsco Grand Prix of Miami at Homestead-Miami Speedway. [Miami Herald]
• Lily Allen introduced a clip on a BBC3 program: "It's my favourite. It's kegging, pulling someone's trousers down in public. Childish but very funny." Since the video showed a student pulling down a teacher's pants, the schoolboard people and Association of Teachers and so on are all apoplectic. [Mirror]
• The Diddy/Tupac kerfluffle that surfaced last week was an elaborate hoax cooked up by an "overweight white kid from Florida." LOL. [Page Six]
• The L.A. Times has apologized for using the forged documents in a story implicating Diddy in the Tupac assault. Their bad! [Yahoo News]
• Tommy Lee received a tattoo on a flight to Miami, helping the tattoo artist set a Guinness World Record. Uh, ink+needle+turbulence=disaster! [Page Six]
• There is a load of fake Heath Ledger memorabilia on the market, buyer beware. [News.com.au]
• Richie Sambora could face charges of child endangerment after being busted on a DUI charge Tuesday with his 10-year-old daughter Ava in the car. Cops say the vehicle was "weaving within lanes" before it was stopped and that Sambora had alcohol on his breath and failed all the field sobriety tests. [Rush & Molloy]
• One day after Dita Von Teese sued an adult-oriented trade show, claiming they owed her $50,000, they have paid up. Justice! [TMZ]
• An inquest has begun into the death of Corinne Bailey Rae's husband, who died Saturday of an apparent drug overdose. Jason Rae, 31, was a Scottish-born sax player whom Corinne (now 29) met in a jazz club where she worked as a coat-check girl. They got married in 2001. [People]
• David Beckham played a historic soccer, ahem, football match last night: He represented the England national team for the 100th time, becoming only the 5th player to ever reach the triple figure. Score! [People]
• Boxing champ and Dancing With The Stars alum Laila Ali is preggers! Her hubs is former NFL star Curtis Conway; he has three kids already but this is her first. Congrats! [People]
• Olivia Newton-John will walk the Great Wall of China for 21 days, in an effort to raise funds for cancer research. Good luck! [E!]
• Jessica Lange denies she had plastic surgery, despite a report in the National Enquirer. Well, now we need to see pictures. [Star Tribune]
• Artist Jeff Koons is being sued for overdue child support; he's failed to pay about $2.3 million, according to his ex-wife, La Cicciolina, an Italian porn star. [Reuters]
• Brooke Shields is having surgery on her foot — an old dance injury. Ow. [Page Six]
• How do we feel about Josh Brolin playing George W. Bush in the biopic directed by Oliver Stone? [Rush & Molloy]