[Lincoln, Nebraska; December 23. Image via AP.]

A tree is coated with ice as vehicles travel a slick Interstate 80 in Lincoln, Neb., Wednesday, Dec. 23, 2009. A major winter storm is promising to bring a white Christmas to much of the nation's midsection, though countless holiday travelers faced slick roads and scattered flight delays and cancellations Wednesday that only looked to get worse.(AP Photo/Nati Harnik)

I think we can do no better than to quote the Reverend's press release in its entirety:

"Thou hadst a whore's forehead, thou refusedst to be ashamed...Will He reserve His anger forever? Will he keep it to the end? Behold, thou hast spoken and done evil things as thou couldest." Jer 3:3,5

And that's not all!

"Art" and "fashion" are the euphemisms, the guise under which proud whore Lady Gaga teaches rebellion against God (incidentally, her claim to the title of "lady" is sound only if she tacks on "of the night," thereby alluding to another euphemism of what she is.) As much as she'd like to pretend otherwise, there's nothing new or different about this particular hussy's pretentious prancing. Does the simple slut truly think that she can change God's standards by seducing a generation of rebels into joining her in fist-raised, stiff-necked, hard-hearted rebellion against Him? Get real!

Even as she gives lip-service to "liberating" her young fans, Lady Gaga brings them into slavery to their own corruption, teaching them to glory in their shame. She hates you! "For when they speak great swelling words of vanity, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through much wantonness...While they promise them liberty, they themselves are the servants of corruption!" 2 Pet. 2:18-19

Rev. Fred Phelps: "God Hates Lady Gaga" Almost As Much As "God Hates Fags" [Riverfront Times]

[Bethlehem, December 22. Image via AP.]

In this photo taken Tuesday, Dec. 22, 2009, Palestinian dancers perform during the 'Rock to Bethlehem' festival, in the West Bank town of Bethlehem. Bethlehem is getting its first Christmas rock festival, thanks to a young musician who grew up near Jesus' traditional birthplace and felt the old-fashioned way of marking the holiday, hanging around Manger Square and listening to carols, is just a little dull. (AP Photo/ Tara Todras-Whitehill)

• Lady Gaga was seen partying in West Hollywood with a "boy-toy."

They were dancing and drinking and wearing matching studded ensembles. They drank champagne and left early. Get it girl! [E!]

• Steven Tyler has entered rehab to deal with his addiction to pain killers. In a statement, he says: "With the help of my family and team of medical professionals, I am taking responsibility for the management of my pain and am eager to be back on the stage and in the recording studio with my bandmates… I love Aerosmith." Apparently Tyler has suffered injuries over the last decade that left him with "severe chronic pain" and he'll need additional surgeries on his knees and feet. [People]
• Peaches Geldof started — or fueled — a Twitter rumor that Miley Cyrus was dead. Not cool. [Perez]
• A judge has ruled that Britney Spears will remain under the conservatorship of her father for six months to a year. Say what you will, but it seems to be working. [TMZ, Radar Online]
• Cue Twihard squee: The first still from Eclipse, the third Twilight movie, has been released. FLOWERS. SPARKLE VAMP. MOPE. [ONTD via MTV]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Tiger Woods' ladyfriend Rachel Uchitel is not, repeat, not pregnant. You may hear otherwise, especially if you read Star magazine. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Jake Gyllenhaal was spotted partying in New York with Matt Dillon, Justin Theroux and Mark Ronson. An axis of hotness. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan was seen drinking in L.A. with Kevin Connolly and Leonardo DiCaprio. [People]
• Recently-released FBI documents show that police thought that terrorists would attack Michael Jackson's trial because of the "worldwide media coverage" it would attract. In addition, the FBI monitored MJ for over a decade. [ABC News via AP]
• Dr. Conrad Murray, who is still being investigated in the death of Michael Jackson, will star in a TV special. A British documentary crew shot footage of him as he returned to work. Of course, the show can't air until the investigation is complete, which could be a couple of years. [TMZ]
• Brittany Murphy was working on multiple film projects before her death, and one director she worked with says: "She knew her material, and she was on her game. She was professional. She was there for me. She was healthy." He adds that her husband and her dog were often on set with her: "The two of them really took care of each other,. He was her teddy bear, and she was just his little princess." [AP]
• Brittany Murphy's role in a romcom called Shrinking Charlotte will have to be recast. [TMZ]
• An expert — forensic pathologist Dr. Cyril Wecht — is convinced that Brittany Murphy's death was the result of an overdose. "One [drug that she took] was involved with Michael Jackson, Ativan. One of them was a drug that was involved with Anna Nicole Smith, Klonopin.'' [Miami Herald]
• Information about which prescription drugs were in Brittany Murphy's house was posted on TMZ, and the Coroner's office is "furious" that the details were leaked. How does TMZ get this stuff? [Mirror]
• Brittany Murphy's funeral will be held tomorrow, Christmas Eve. [Radar Online]
• Why didn't Gabby Sidibe win an African-American Film Critics Association best actress award? A nefarious theory, at the link. [NY Mag]
• It seems that instead of Dr. Watson, people are calling Jude Law "Hotson." Jude says: "Mostly I was only hot because I was wearing those thick tweed suits, massive overcoats and hat and gloves. I was always the one perspiring on set." [ABC News via AP]
• For the final show of Pink's tour, her husband Carey Hart came out on stage and had her dancers strip him down to his underwear. Then Pink straddled him. God I love these two. [Perez]
• Mischa Barton tried to take her dog into Whole Foods and was pissed when she wasn't allowed. She should have shown the security guy her mangled hand, maybe he'd have some sympathy! [Gatecrasher]
• Christina Aguilera was in a minor fender bender last night. [TMZ]
• T.I. is out of prison already? [AP]
• The stalker/fan accused of harassing Ashanti's mother was convicted yesterday and faces 2 years in prison. [ABC News via AP]
• Rihanna went to a comedy club with Ludacris. [E!]
• Heiress vs. heiress: Casey Johnson is jealous of Paris Hilton? [Page Six]
• If you think Sarah Silverman and Demetri Martin are funny, you're in luck: They're both returning to Comedy Central in February. [NY Mag]
• The Karate Kid remake starring Will Smith's son looks okay, except that Jackie Chain's stache is creptastic. Trailer at the link. [NY Mag]
• An animated version of Ricky Gervais's podcast: In the works. [NY Mag]
• The Edge says that U2 wrote a song for the soundtrack of the Tobey Maguire/Natalie Portman/Jake Gyllenhaal movie Brothers after being asked by director Jim Sheridan — and after seeing the film: "We didn't have anything (ready) but were just going to work on some music. We had a couple of interesting beginnings, but then we saw a rough cut of the film, and that gave us the inspiration." [USA Today]
• Ugh, Dance Your Ass Off got renewed. Season 2 begins next year; there were auditions in NYC yesterday. [ET]
• Kristin Scott Thomas has dropped out of an upcoming Paris production of A Little Night Music because she injured her foot. [Variety]
• True Blood scoop: Lafayette is getting a boyfriend. [EW]
• The LAPD held rapper Kid Cudi at gunpoint yesterday in a case of mistaken identity. Driving while black? [Reuters]
• Megan Mullally will return to Broadway in a Terrence McNally's play Lips Together, Teeth Apart. I miss Karen! [LA Times]
• Boy George wanted to be on Celebrity Big Brother, but a British court is saying that he can't, since he's still on probation and could make thousands from the appearance. [AP]
• Randy and Evi Quaid were in court yesterday and pleaded not guilty to skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill. [AP]
• Does the $42,000 the Balloon Boy parents have been fined seem like enough? [Daily Mail]
• The Vatican hearts The Simpsons. [AP]
• The recession has hit Oscar campaigns, which are more low-key than usual. [Reuters]
• And yet: For the first time, U.S. and Candadian ticket sales have crossed the $10 billion mark. [Reuters]
• Paging Nurse Jackie fans: Mo-Mo the gay guy is off the show. [Gatecrasher]
• Justin Long gave out toys to homeless children, who look unimpressed by him in these photos. [ONTD]
• "I've been active all my life. And I haven't smoked in a long time. The reason and I can get through this show is that I eat right. I don't eat red meat. I eat chicken and fish. And salad. And steamed vegetables, occasionally roasted. I don't eat desserts. And I don't drink, well, maybe a glass of wine now and then. This sounds like a laughable way to live. But it's me. It's a good, healthy life. I'm not good at doing nothing… I don't know what retirement means." — Estelle Parsons, 82, who has just landed a role in Tony Award-winning play August: Osage County. [Reuters]
• "I can't say that I noticed anything that led me to believe, 'Oh my God, this person is messed up.' But one hears rumblings. It's a small town, and you hear from other people on other crews, but that's all rumors and stuff. [When she did 8 Mile] I was feeling — maybe not just then at that particular time, but over time — that she was maybe being pressured to be a certain body type and a certain kind of actress as far as playing the sexy, blonde, thin girl… And that she was buying into what she was supposed to be, rather than just being a wonderful, innocent young girl." — Clueless director Amy Heckerling, who says she is "shocked and angry" about Brittany Murphy's death and doesn't understand why no one was "watching out with what was going on with her." [ET]
• "It's too hard to live on a planet where you're a monster for not being moved by Susan Boyle's performance." — Michael Cera, to Maxim. [Page Six]
• "I hate Christmas. When I used to drink, it was a good excuse to get drunk for two weeks. Now I just hate it. [In 2003[ I was in a coma for a while, so I missed Christmas. Thank God." — Ozzy Osbourne. [Gatecrasher via Contact Music]
• "I have read the first two episodes and I can tell you that I will be singing and dancing. I can't tell you what I'm singing because it's top-secret. It's a very cold song." — Jane Lynch, aka your fave misanthrope, Sue Sylvester, on the next chunk of episodes of Glee. [ONTD via SheWired]

[San Francisco, December 21. Image via AP.]

In this Dec. 21, 2009 photo, Women carry shopping bags as they walk past a French Connection UK store in San Francisco, Monday, Dec. 21, 2009. Sales this time of year are vital to retailers, of course. But they're not nearly enough to drive the economy. Even if holiday sales exceed expectations, the broader recovery is expected to remain weak _ for the rest of the year and beyond.(AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

In a sort of sideways attack on claims by Jonathan Safran Foer and others that vegetarianism is the only ethical food choice, Angier writes,

[B]efore we cede the entire moral penthouse to "committed vegetarians" and "strong ethical vegans," we might consider that plants no more aspire to being stir-fried in a wok than a hog aspires to being peppercorn-studded in my Christmas clay pot. This is not meant as a trite argument or a chuckled aside. Plants are lively and seek to keep it that way. The more that scientists learn about the complexity of plants - their keen sensitivity to the environment, the speed with which they react to changes in the environment, and the extraordinary number of tricks that plants will rally to fight off attackers and solicit help from afar - the more impressed researchers become, and the less easily we can dismiss plants as so much fiberfill backdrop, passive sunlight collectors on which deer, antelope and vegans can conveniently graze. It's time for a green revolution, a reseeding of our stubborn animal minds.

She then launches into a series of anecdotes about the ways plants protect themselves from getting eaten, all of which are entertaining, and all of which seem slightly beside the point. Anyone who's ever eschewed meat has encountered more than one person who makes jokes about cruelty to carrots, usually with the goal of making vegetarians feel like idiots. They do this because vegetarianism often feels like a judgment, implicit or explicit, against the way omnivores live their lives. But the fact that brussels sprouts combat hungry caterpillars by releasing compounds that summon caterpillar-eating wasps doesn't invalidate vegetarianism anymore than the sheer number of sick people in the world invalidates medical care. We can never end all suffering, and the assumption that this is the goal of all vegetarians misunderstands what vegetarianism is about — a misunderstanding unfortunately fostered by some vegetarians.

Angier's real point isn't actually that vegetarianism is dumb, or that we should all subsist on fruit and dead bugs. Rather, her argument is that all eating is a compromise. Angier writes that she no longer eats "mammalian meat," but still consumes fish and poultry. She continues,

My dietary decisions are arbitrary and inconsistent, and when friends ask why I'm willing to try the duck but not the lamb, I don't have a good answer. Food choices are often like that: difficult to articulate yet strongly held.

The truth is, the best thing human beings could do for (almost) every other species on Earth would be to cease to exist. Anytime we choose to keep ourselves alive at the expense of other living things — which we do all the time, consciously or not — we sacrifice a certain amount of our moral purity. This is something people on both sides of the debate about food politics have to accept — that vegetarians will never be entirely morally perfect, and that this lack of perfection doesn't invalidate what they're trying to do.

Food politics are ancient, as a look at any religion's dietary laws will attest. And as Angier says, people often believe in their food choices almost as deeply as they believe in their gods, making many a dinner table a kind of culinary Middle East. Arguing about food can be just as thankless as trying to talk someone into or out of belief in God, and at this point we might do well to accept an interfaith model of eating. Yes, food is about morality, and yes, we can judge others' dietary morals if we wish. But food, like religion, can also be about comfort, memory, tradition, transcendence, and joy, and these are things people can share even if they're not eating the same dish. It might be time to focus on them.

Sorry, Vegans: Brussels Sprouts Like To Live, Too [NYT]

[Chicago, December 19. Image via AP.]

In this Saturday, Dec. 19, 2009, holiday shoppers walk along State street in Chicago. Retailers head into the home stretch this week hoping pent-up demand will give them one last gift before Christmas. (AP Photo/Jim Prisching)

The Army announced Friday that soldiers under Maj. Gen. Anthony Cucolo, who commands forces in northern Iraq, would be subject to prosecution if they became pregnant. Male soldiers who impregnate female service members could also be court-martialed. The rule is apparently aimed at reducing attrition, since pregnant soldiers are usually sent home within 14 days. Army spokesman Maj. Lee Peters says, "The redeployment of the pregnant soldier creates a void in the unit and has a negative impact on the unit's ability to accomplish its mission. Another soldier must assume the pregnant soldier's responsibilities." And Cucolo himself adds,

I've got a mission to do. I'm given a finite number of soldiers with which to do it and I need every one of them. So I'm going to take every measure I can to keep them all strong, fit and with me for the twelve months we are in the combat zone.

But as military law professor Eugene Fidell points out, "Here you really have issues that go to the core of personal integrity: reproductive rights." In addition to the basic issue of whether pregnancy should ever be a criminal offense, the policy has a number of upsetting implications. Enforcement will likely disproportionately affect women, as it's much easier to tell who's pregnant than who impregnated her. And there's no apparent provision for women who are raped. Add this to the fact that military bases aren't required to provide emergency contraception, and that abortions are banned at military hospitals, and you have an environment where women are both forced to remain pregnant and punished for doing so.

Of course, the solution the military would like to encourage is total abstinence for all service members. Cucolo's policy also prohibits soldiers from having sex with Iraqis, or from spending the night with a member of the opposite sex unless married or granted explicit permission. But across-the-board abstinence is just as unrealistic for soldiers as it is for anyone else, and the military might want to provide reliable access to birth control and, yes, to abortion if it really wants to encourage responsible family planning among soldiers. Another way to lessen military attrition, ThinkProgress points out, would be to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell. But for now, sex in the military is only okay if you keep it a secret — because apparently a few horrific amateur abortions and the loss of thousands of gay service members are a small price to pay for the illusion of purity.

U.S. Personnel In Iraq Could Face Court-Martial For Getting Pregnant [Stars and Stripes]
Top U.S. Commander: Women Who Become Pregnant While On Active Duty Face Jailtime [ThinkProgress]
Pregnant G.I.'s Could Be Punished [AP, via NYT]
Pregnant US Troops In Iraq Could Face Jail Time [Sphere]
Military Abortions: No Good Choices [Broadsheet]
Tell Congress: Protect The Health Of Servicewomen Abroad [NARAL Pro-Choice America]

[Baikonur, Kazakhstan, December 17. Image via AP]

A worker cleans the floor during preparations for launching the Russian Soyuz TMA-17 spaceship that will carry a new crew to the international space station, in an assembly shop at the Russian-leased Baikonur cosmodrome, Kazakhstan, Thursday, Dec. 17, 2009. The start of the new Soyuz mission is scheduled on Monday, December 21. (AP Photo/Dmitry Lovetsky)

[Rawalpindi, Pakistan; December 18. Image via AP]

Afghan refugee girls react while playing in a poor neighborhood in Rawalpindi, Pakistan, Friday, Dec. 18, 2009. (AP Photo/Muhammed Muheisen)

[Paris, December 17. Image via AP]

Tourists pose for a souvenir photo in the snow next to the Eiffel Tower in Paris, Thursday Dec. 17, 2009. (AP Photo/Francois Mori)

As a little kid, Paula's the kind of girl who wants to play "school" — with real assignments and assigned seating. It's annoying, but you do it because her house has really good snacks. In high school, she's that one girl who throws actual dinner parties, where you're supposed to dress up. She won't host the after-prom party — she's not really that cool — but she might have everyone over beforehand to take pictures and eat little cheese sticks. Later, she'll grow up into the kind of mom who's always coming in while your friends are watching a movie to serve some nut balls that she just made — or some equally embarrassing treat. You love her, of course, but sometimes she does slightly off-the-wall things, like knitting the dog a sweater that goes on the back half instead of the front, or slipping a handful of paper clips into your lunchbox.

I think my perception that Paula is a mom name comes from its dwindling popularity — it was riding high in the fifties and sixties, never dipping below #54 nationwide, but by the eighties it had dropped precipitously to #236, and now it languishes at #681. So while a few little Paulas were born last year, Paula's still more likely to be a baby boomer than a baby. And judging by famous Paulas, she's likely to be a little odd.

Paula Deen seems like the kind of mom everybody loves — she makes fried Twinkies, after all. But I can kind of see her getting carried away and frying up, say, some Chex Mix or a Ziploc bag. Paula Jones has two kids, who may or may not be embarrassed about her boxing match with Tonya Harding. Comic Paula Poundstone's mom issues actually crossed the line into downright disturbing, but she's apparently incorporated her child endangerment arrest into her act, so she seems to have come to terms with it. And of course, the premier Paula is Paula Abdul, the woman Rosie O'Donnell once called "erratic." Abdul has struggled with eating disorders and painkillers in the past, and so her antics always carry a worrisome edge. Still, it's hard not to have affection for someone who once broke her nose trying to "avoid tripping over her pet chihuahua." I bet that chihuahua was rocking a back-half sweater.

According to an oddly specific survey by a British vodka maker, office workers think people named Sarah, Becky and Emma are the biggest "Christmas party girls." Paula might not be the one drunkenly making out under the mistletoe (although, actually, does anyone do this? Outside of a commercial, I mean). However, she probably does throw a mean Christmas party — as long as you stay away from the nut balls.

Paula [Baby Name Wizards]
Brits: Sarah, Chris Wildest Party Names [UPI.com]
Paula [Wikipedia]

Earlier: O Is For Olivia: Precocious, Passionate, & Up For A Lesbian Cruise
N Is For Natasha, A Femme Fatale
M Is For Michelle, An Elegant Mystery
L Is For Lisa, Whose Looks Are Deceiving
K Is For Kate, Who Kicks Ass, Takes Names
J Is For Jennifer, The Vanilla Of Names
I Is For Isabel, Who's Snooty, But Earns It
H Is For Hillary, A Barrel Of Laughs
G Is For Grace - What's That Up Her Sleeve?
F Is For Francesca, And I Wish I Were Her
E Is For Emily, Who Seems Sweet (At First)
D Is For Danielle (Or Dani, Who's Apparently Kinda Judgey)
C Is For Courtney, Who's Too Cool For School
B is for Beth (And Barack! And Bandana!)
A Is For Anna: What My First Name Says About Me

Helprin says the White House crashers have given "a gift to the language in the form of a richly functional verb-to Salahi." He defines the new verb thus:

To Salahi: v. U.S. [after 21st century reality-show aspirants Michaele and Tareq Salahi] 1. intrans. to gain entrance to an event or gathering to which one is not invited. "They Salahied into the Bar-Mitzvah even though they didn't know the Goldblatt boy, and ate most of the chopped-liver sculpture of Elvis." Shakespeare, Sonnet MMIX. 2. in a general sense to appear where one is not welcome. "Michael Moore Salahied into George and Laura Bush's second honeymoon to lecture the former president about justice for the undocumented immigrants held at Guantanamo." Chomsky, Profiles in Courage. 3. to forge, fake or pretend, especially in hope of achieving a contemptible or pathetic objective that is simultaneously a comment upon the corruption and distastefulness of a particular individual and society itself. trans. "To elevate his chances of becoming a Chippendales dancer, Arnold Toynbee Salahied a letter of recommendation from Rosa Luxemburg. Al Franken, An Intellectual History of the United States.

Helprin also mentions a few other famous names that have become generally used words, like Ponzi of Ponzi scheme fame. Unfortunately, he forgot Santorum — a "sexual neologism" which, Dan Savage would be glad to know, now appears before Rick Santorum's official homepage in the Google results for the name. In the spirit of both Salahi and Santorum, we'd like to propose a few of our own new verbs, based on some of this year's luminaries.

To Heene: to exploit one's children for fame and/or financial gain, esp. to do so in a ham-handed or ridiculous fashion. See also To Suleman.

To NeNe: to strangle someone at Bow Wow's mom's boutique.

To Palin: to seek a job on the basis of being unqualified for said job. "Palining" has yet to gain popularity among firefighters, nuclear power plant employees, or brain surgeons.

To Bachmann: to allege that a seemingly harmless act, like giving money to a homeless person, will result in forced abortions for millions of American teenagers.

To Snooki: to launch a dispute via craniofacial injury. See also Tycho Brahe, War of Jenkins' Ear.

To Kardashian: to marry a celebrity after a very short courtship, possibly for the benefit of a larger empire. See also Marie Antoinette.

To Beck: to believe the government is spying on citizens through any or all of the above: car navigation systems, toasters, the Internet, leafy green vegetables, the census, that little eye on the back of the dollar bill, cats. See also To Schrute.

Of course, the above list cries out for a word that refers to the very act of turning a celebrity name into a verb. Perhaps "to Helprin?"

To Salahi Or Not To Salahi . . . [Wall Street Journal]

[Jerusalem, December 18. Image via AP]

Standing under umbrellas, Israeli women of the Women of the Wall organization pray at the Western Wall, Judiasm's holiest site, in Jerusalem's Old City, Friday, Dec. 18, 2009. Since its founding in 1989, Women of the Wall has fought a legal battle asserting a right to conduct organized prayer at the Western Wall. The group has included women reading from the Torah and wearing prayer accessories that in orthodox Judaism are used only by men. (AP Photo/ Tara Todras-Whitehill)