77 AND SUNNY IN SEATTLE.

MUUUAHAHAHA.

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Yesterday, I got drenched in that downpour, and I even HAD an umbrella, and I was only like two blocks from the Port Authority when the sky opened up and rained RAINDROPS THE SIZE OF HONDA CIVICS, and by the time I finally slid my way indoors I was shaking and completely soaked from head to toe. I was wringing out the hem of my skirt the entire freezing, cramped bus ride home, which took two hours because people don't know how to drive in the rain. THAT RAIN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME, AND DEAR READER, I WASN'T EVEN ABLE TO LEAVE IT.

I am so damn tired of this rain I could, I dunno, shit nails, and I will use these nails to build a fantastical turbine that will drive the jet stream back to where it's supposed to fucking go. I am so tired of this rain that I am boxing up all its stuff and putting it out on the curb and labeling it "FREE, TAKE ONE." I am so sick of this goddamn rain that I wrote its phone number on a bathroom stall saying "FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL ____. LIKES IT IN THE BUTT."

I am so sick of all this rain that I hacked into its email account and sent teary apologetic love notes to all its exes. I am so sick of this rain that I put a decapitated horse head in its bed. I AM SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF THIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING RAIN.

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The only thing I hate more, in fact, is pina coladas.

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