Via Newsweek, here’s the story of an animal who leaned the fuck in:

An elderly woman in Miami awoke to find a kinkajou named Banana cuddling on her chest. “Oh it’s a cute kinkajou!” is what she didn’t yell out.

Earlier today, a cow fled a slaughterhouse in Queens, New York, and took a jaunt through the streets, delaying its eventual slaughter.

Jessica Chastain needs our help. The Oscar-nominated version of Bryce Dallas Howard revealed today that her grandmother’s dog, Livvy, was stolen from a Vallejo, California, McDonald’s Wednesday evening. Chastain is offering a reward for Livvy’s safe return, so it’s time for us to get to work.

Late last night, we received a tip from a very friendly reader named Sara Altschule, informing us that she had been on the local news after a bird—possibly a seagull—flew into her car windshield as she was driving on a highway south of Seattle. It’s a terrifying situation, but Sara’s just thrilled to be alive and have…

Instagram’s most famous animal rescue foundation is beloved by celebrities and millions of fans, and completely and utterly terrifying. Scrolling through the Black Jaguar-White Tiger™ feed is like seeing the beginning of Grizzly Man play out on social media.

In today’s adorable animal news, the Cincinnati Zoo welcomed its first animal birth of the year — a baby penguin.

Yes, the video you see before you is indeed one of those devastating ASPCA commercials. And now you’re tempting to press play, aren’t you? I know, I know — I’m cruel.

Giant squid are some of the most elusive creatures of the sea, having never been caught alive on camera until 2012. Which is why it’s so strange that this bold guy is just hanging around the harbor in Toyama, Japan. U OK, Squid?

This airport coyote knows a little something about freedom, or at least he did for a couple hours on Tuesday in the great wilds of Myrtle Beach International Airport.

Let’s take a look at the people who really defined the year.

Time is a flat circle, especially when I am high and inside my couch looking at Vine on my phone. It is my most fulfilling comfort behavior—the closest, I think, someone can get to being in utero without actually being in utero.

The video above shows a five-week-old little polar bear baby dreaming. I would throw myself on a bomb if it meant saving her.

Imagine whistling a good song while walking outside your home and then seeing this monstrous scientifically named Mega Lizard climbing up the bricks. It’d probably ruin your day.

On Wednesday, the National Institutes of Health announced it would finally send the remaining research chimpanzees into retirement as soon as room opens up in a federal sanctuary.

On Thursday, Otto, a three-year-old bulldog from Lima, Peru, broke the Guinness World Record for longest human tunnel skateboarded through by a dog. He skateboarded through the legs of 30 people. That is something anyone would be proud of.

The good news: SeaWorld announced on Monday that its San Diego park will phase out their killer whale show by 2017. The bad news: those same orcas will continue to perform in a similarly shitty but vigorously re-branded version of the current show, with “experiences that look more natural in the environment.” Oh, word?

We are living through a mass extinction. From climate change to overpopulation to poaching, the world we’ve created is closing in fast on the incredible and still-mysterious animals we share it with.

Before you drift off to slumberland, enjoy this sweet image of Koko the gorilla playing with a box of kittens on her birthday. Precious moments!

Dra-ha-ha-ha-ma!