The thing about models is that they are rarely the subjects of long, investigative, detailed magazine profiles, leavened with biographical information about their parents' backgrounds and whatever psychological tells the writer can seize upon during his or her reporting. Models are mostly seen in pictures. They're there to entertain our projections, and that's easiest done mute. It's celebrities who are endlessly, redundantly storied, profiled over and over again until such mundanities as what Leighton likes to eat for lunch and the fact that Angelina has a pilot's license have been entirely too thoroughly plumbed for metaphoric depth. The glimpse-of-fame profile is an essential part of the celebrity-sartorial complex, but the problems with it are manifold. As the celebrity profiles proliferate, the pool of unreported information that might actually be interesting or affecting to a wide audience shrinks. The pool of under-covered celebrities — who are (of course) pretty and (nearly always) white and (duh) thin enough to fit sample sizes in the standard lavish photo shoot — dwindles, too, until we're stuck reading about the Deep Thoughts of reality TV stars and teenagers ad nauseam. And as women's magazines' reliance on Big Cover Stars to anchor their issues grows, the conditions imposed by the army of protective flacks — writer approval, preset no-go topics, limitations on access — become more byzantine. (Hence why Elle spiked even this pretty tame profile of Jennifer Lopez at the request of her reps. Hence why you'll never read about the night Charlize Theron's mom shot and killed her dad while 15-year-old Charlize watched in a women's magazine. You will instead be told that she's really pretty, and much too polite to be thought of as having opinions, or as Vogue puts it, "far be it from her to ruin a perfectly nice luncheon trying to prove that she's a serious person.") Models get talked about as images but don't tend to get covered as people. Celebrities talk all too much, but far be it from them to say anything interesting.

So into this morass of diminishing returns steps Lara Stone, and it is just so weird to read a story that starts off in the standard mawkish key of celebrity profile writing — obligatory meaningless quote from Mario Testino; repetitive physical description along the lines of "naked Venus...austere, Flemish face...Her breasts are so perfect even I found it hard not to stare at them"; entirely too much attention paid to what she is wearing — before switching codes entirely.

What's the longest she has stayed in one place in the past two years, asks Vogue's Vassi Chamberlain, after Stone confesses she has spent seven days at a stretch, max, in her London apartment since moving to the city six months ago.

She answers without hesitating: "Four weeks." Was that on holiday? "No. That was to rehab." ... "I am a complete alcoholic," she says. "It used to be so easy to tell someone, 'Get me a bottle of vodka,' and they'd run and get it."

Okay then! Consider our expectations raised.

In the story — which you cannot read at British Vogue's website, but which people have taken the time to scan here and here — Stone goes on to make various statements which aren't "bold" or "interesting," with all the self-consciousness those imply, so much as they are just affectingly real. She doesn't sound like she's talking from a well-rehearsed script when pressed about controversial industry practices, as can the otherwise clever Lily Cole. Cole recently claimed in the Times of London, "I saw eating problems more at my school than in that industry. I do get that there is an aesthetic — it changes generation by generation. There's always been an ideal, from the Fifties or the Eighties," which is an ingenious dodge of the size-zero question and a very disingenuous thing to say. Stone, who despite her 34"-24"-35" measurements is sometimes considered one of the larger straight-size models, calls herself "fat" and says, "If I could have the discipline to be super-skinny, I would be. I think of dieting, then I eat pizza. I'm a woman, and every woman wants to be skinnier. Unfortunately." Cole, testy: "I think drugs are taken all over the world. And I've never really experienced it." Stone, realistic: "I never really wanted to be that model on drugs, the sort who gives head for a line of coke."

Stone isn't interested in running interference for an industry that treated her with standard disinterest for the better part of a decade before she, at the improbable age of 23, started to enjoy breakout success. As a teenager in Paris, she lived in an Elite model apartment with up to seven other girls. She was not a sensation. "We did 15 castings a day, visiting the same people over and over again. They'd make bitchy comments about us in French, thinking we didn't understand." (Sounds...familiar.) Stone also worked in Japan, where her agency measured her weekly, instructed her never to smile, and contracted her to do up to three shoots a day. Models who got pimples were sent back. Not that Stone is dewy-eyed about model solidarity: she pushed a girl who wouldn't get out of her way at the Jaeger show this season. "I kept saying, 'Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,' because I had to get to the catwalk, but she just kept posing. So I pushed her. It was only a few stairs." It's not easy to imagine Kate Bosworth confessing to something so human.

"Men don't like me," reports Stone. For all her much-vaunted "curves", she says, "I haven't been on a date in six months." She last dated an investment banker in New York; the end of the relationship coincided with her stint in rehab and her move to London. "I've just started a club with a girlfriend," she reports, "called the We Hate Men But We Can't Be Gay Club."

I Hate Women's Magazine Profiles But Can't Stop Reading Them.

Ones like this are pretty all right, though.

British Vogue [Official Site]
Stone Age [The Fashion Spot]
Charlize Theron At Home On The Range [Vogue]
Time Out: Lily Cole [Times of London]
Behind The Glow [Daily Beast]

Earlier:French Vogue All Lara Stone, All The Time
The 5 Great Lies of Women's Magazines

• In the December Elle Sarah Jessica Parker (over?)shares her thoughts on her new twin girls revealing, "I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they're wet and you smell them all warm like a baked good..."

• "I love the smell of Balmex. Love it." As for her decision to hire a surrogate to have the girls, she said, "I knew there would be lots of opinions about, ‘Well, why didn't you adopt? Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that?' and the truth of the matter is, it wasn't one or the other for us. We had explored, and continue to explore all options, and this one just happened first. This isn't the period at the end of the sentence." [Just Jared]
• Yesterday ,Lindsay Lohan Tweeted that Michael Lohan used to threatened to kill her mother Dina if she tried to leave him. Today, Michael responded, "That's a lie... I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that … No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given." [People]
• Lindsay Lohan missed a business meeting today because she was partying into the wee hours of the morning. "This meeting was very important for her career," said a source. "She simply failed to appear and never called to even cancel." [Radar Online]
• Police sources say they searched the Las Vegas home of 19-year-old Rachel Lee and found clothing belonging to Lindsay Lohan and Audrina Patridge, and three personal photos of Paris Hilton. [L.A.T.]
• Justin Timberlake wants his temporary restraining order against Karen McNeil, the woman he says is stalking him, made permanent. Two of his bodyguards filed testimony against her but when the judge said he wanted JT to show up in court on Monday and speak for himself, his lawyer moved to get a different judge. [TMZ]
• Star's cover story this week featured ridiculous stories about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's "secret life of binge drinking, mind games, drugs, lovers, and more!", ostensibly based on Ian Halperin's upcoming book Brangelina Exposed. "I was stunned... I never spoke to [the magazine]," says Halperin. "In fact, I finished writing the book late last night which was hours after the Star story broke!" [Us]
• In "Party In The USA" Miley Cyrus sings about listening to a Jay-Z song, but in the interview at the link she admits, "I picked that song 'cause I needed something to go with my clothing line, I didn't write it... I've never even heard a Jay-Z song." N.Y. Magazine]
• December 14 has been set as the first court date in TLC's breach of contract lawsuit against Jon Gosselin. [Radar Online]
• According to court papers filed by TLC, several of the network's advertisers complained about Jon Gosselin's "erratic, widely publicized behavior." [Radar Online]
• A man named Ronnie Newt who is trying to prove that a 12-year old boy named Prince Michael Malachi Jet Jackson is Michael Jackson's son says the Jackson family is harassing him. He asked for a restraining order against Randy Jackson and Joe Jackson, saying, "I was told to stay out of the M.J. love child story. That some one could get kill [sic] for that kind of money." [TMZ]
• This Is It has only been out for two weeks but it's already passed the $100 million mark at the international box office. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Randy Quaid sent a letter to a judge claiming that he and his wife Evi Quaid never received the hotel bills they're accused of skipping out on. He also mentions that Evi has earned many people's respect, "including Karl Rove, who on a recent visit to Marfa made more than one flirtatious advance toward Evi!" [Radar Online]
• Paula Abdul has reunited with Arsenio Hall, after dating him 20 years ago. "Arsenio reached out to Paula because he thought she needed a friend to talk to, someone she could relate to. Arsenio knows what it's like to leave a hit TV show. One phone call led to another, and the next thing you know, they were making a date," said a source. "This could be the perfect situation for the two of them. Paula and Arsenio know each other inside and out." [Contact Music]
• Carrie Prejean was removed from a conservative "Defenders of the Family" event in New Jersey after word that she made a sex tape got out. [TMZ]
• Usher's divorce from Tameka Raymond was finalized today. [USA Today]
• Joe Francis avoided jail time today when a judge sentenced him to time served,$250,000 restitution and a $10,000 fine for pleading guilty to filing false tax returns. [TMZ]
• Peter Andre and Katie Price saw each other for the first time since their split in May when their son Harvey was taken to the hospital with breathing difficulties. He's OK and has been discharged. [The Mirror]
• "Becoming a parent is the most selfless act, and you need to be at a point in your life where you can give up anything and everything for a child. I don't know if you know how to that when you're in your 20s," says 32-year-old new mom Sarah Michelle Gellar. Her husband, 33-year-old Freddie Prinze Jr., adds, "I'm so happy we didn't have kids in our 20s – I just didn't know a thing. You have so much more patience in your 30s, and I feel like I appreciate this so much more." [People]
• Jemaine Clement says Flight of the Conchords may not return for another season because, "Bret and I are both fathers," Clement told us during an interview to promote his (troubled) new film Gentlemen Broncos. "We know if we take on another season, that means we're not gonna see our family for a year." [N.Y. Magazine]
• Thandie Newton says she "fell madly in love" with her husband Ol Parker in 1997 when she appeared in a movie he wrote. "I'd never experienced that before. Up until then, my relationships had always been more based on people wanting to be with me. When I met Ol, I was dating a really sweet, lovely man and I had to leave him straight away, even though I wasn't even going out with Ol!" she said. "But as soon as I met Ol, it kind of cut off any other blood vessels to anywhere else. We got married about two years later; we've just had our 11th wedding anniversary." [Daily Express]
• In Precious Erica Watson plays a small role as a little girl's abusive mom. When asked if it was hard to scream at the girl she said, "Not at all! The inner bitch in me was finally allowed to come out, and I had a ball! (laughs) But on a serious note, I was a little nervous about being mean to her, but she loved it! She knew that we were just 'pretending' and she made it very easy for me to treat her horribly!" [The Frisky]
• Jon Hamm once said in an interview that he thinks Don Draper and Rachel Menken were soul mates. Maggie Siff, who played Menken, says she agrees: "I think Matt Weiner is an incredibly smart storyteller, and everybody knows from the beginning that this is a guy who's going to go through a lot of women. But I think that the way that our story ended up getting set up within the series is that you feel her absence. She's gone, and then you're like, Well, where did she go? And I think there are a lot of things in that show that come and go, and you feel their echoes. And so in a way I feel like that's probably true between them." [N.Y. Magazine]
• John Slattery says of Roger Sterling, the character he plays on Mad Men, "I think he may've invented a few of his own S.T.D.'s. There has to be some strain of sexual disease out there that he's responsible for. He was patient zero. It's his namesake. His S.T.D. is a Sterling Transmitted Disease." [Vanity Fair]

• Lindsay Lohan is taking legal action against Michael Lohan, who has been talking about kidnapping her and putting her in rehab. Her lawyer says she's seeking a restraining order and may file a defamation lawsuit against him. [TMZ]

• Sales for Chris Brown's comeback tour are pitiful. He used to sell out 20,000 seat arenas, but after tickets went on sale this weekend for 1,000-2,5000 seat venues many are still available. [Perez Hilton]
• At the link is a preview of Chris Brown's MTV interview that airs on Friday (hours before Rihanna's 20/20 interview). Chris says of the assault, "What was I thinking?" [MTV]
• Mariah Carey says she "can't imagine" what Rihanna went through when Chris Brown beat her. "I was very sequestered, as you know, when I first started out and if I were just allowed to be young and with a young boyfriend who's also a star and you know, you're working and you're both — I don't know what goes on," she says. "You know what I mean? So it's like, I wasn't really allowed out of the house, so I can't imagine what she went through." [Us]
• No Doubt is suing the makers of the video game Band Hero because they say they only authorized the use of their likenesses to play three No Doubt songs, but the game has "transformed No Doubt band members into a virtual karaoke circus act" by having them "sing, dance and perform over sixty songs." They're also mad because Gwen Stefani's avatar can sing with a man's voice and perform the song "Honkey Tonk Woman," which has lyrics about sleeping with prostitutes. [TMZ]
• Reps for Josh Duhamel and Fergie deny that he cheated on her saying, "This is not the first nor will it be the last time that a stripper was paid a large amount of money to sell a false story about a celebrity... This story is absolutely ridiculous." [People]
• Britney Spears paid $1.32 million in the past seven months to the lawyers who represented her conservatorship. [TMZ]
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are on the cover of Harper's Bazaar (despite him also being on this month's Vanity Fair). Kristen says, "Rob can barely jump rope," and this has inspired her nickname for him. "I call him Flippy because when he does his stunt rehearsals, he flips around," she says, imitating a penguin's walk. "And God, when he tries to run..." She also calls Flippy's singing "heartbreaking." [Us]
• When asked about her romance with Robert Pattinson again, Kristen Stewart told Entertainment Weekly, "I've thought about this a lot... There's no answer that's not going to tip you one way or the other. Think about every hypothetical situation: ‘Okay, we are. We aren't. I'm a lesbian.' I'm just trying to keep something. If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor, I'd be like ‘Fuck off!' I would answer the exact same way." [Entertainment Weekly]
• Sean Penn's 16-year-old son Hopper Jack won't face drug charges following his arrest last week because police have determined the pills he was carrying were actually prescription medication in his name. [Radar Online]
• Though Winona Ryder recently told BlackBook Magazine that she never got a thank you from Angelina Jolie for getting her the role in Girl, Interrupted that launched her career, Angie did thank her — in her Oscar acceptance speech. [L.A.T.]
• The National Enquirer claims Jennifer Lopez is fighting with her ex-husband Ojani Noa, who wants to release 11 hours of home movies that show her fighting with her mother, "playing sexy bedroom games," and staring at her butt in a mirror. [National Enquirer]
• Penny Marshall has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and secretly underwent brain surgery last week. This story is from the National Enquirer, so hopefully it's not true. [National Enquirer]
• Dennis Hopper says he's being treated prostate cancer with "an experimental thing at USC." He said it's "no big deal" and he "feels great." [TMZ]
• Though Jon Gosselin and Hailey Glassman say they broke up, they went out to a Manhattan bar on Halloween. "Staff were ordered to keep the fake Jons away from him," said a source. "Someone asked to take a picture but he said he wanted to be left alone. Once the crowds were away he and Hailey looked like a normal couple." [Us]
• Jessica Simpson and Dolly Parton are bonding over their big boobs. Dolly Tweeted: "Aahhh chiropractor... Hurts so good :-) you lug these around and see if your back don't hurt!" Jess replied: "Amen sister :)." [CNN]
• Yet another creditor's claim against Michael Jackson's estate: Atkins Thomson Solicitors in London is asking for $209,204.36 for advising MJ on the sale of Neverland. [TMZ]
• Sadie Frost says of Jude Law, "We're continuing to have a very close relationship and I'm here to support him as a friend. That won't stop. He's a wonderful person and I'll stand by him forever. For all the silliness and difficulties, we've always really cared for each other and we're both a hundred per cent committed to the kids and doing the right thing by them. Everything's fine." [Daily Express]
• The terms of the settlement between Carrie Prejean and Miss California USA have been leaked. The Pageant will pay $100,000 directly to paying her lawyers and publicists, and Carrie gets nothing but the organization's promise not to fight her for writing a book without permission. [TMZ]
• Carrie Prejean was demanding more than a million dollars in her settlement negotiations with Pageant officials, until they revealed that they have a XXX home video of Prejean that has never been released publicly. [TMZ]
• Looks like the lawsuits may be back on. Carrie Prejean's lawyer says she may sue because of the sex tape rumor. "It seems as if someone has acted in an unethical and unlawful manner by even raising this issue," said her lawyer. "We are weighing our options and if this is a breach of contract we are considering suing for punitive damages." [Radar Online]
• Terrence Howard and Taraji P. Henson insist they are not dating. "I've known her too long. She knows what I'm thinking!" says Howard. [Us]
• Frances Bean Cobain threw a tantrum when she found out there was a problem with her train ticket from Boston to New York. A source says: "She caused a huge backup on the line because she refused to pay herself. She was causing a scene and saying her name loudly to the guy behind the counter, but he had no idea who she was. Finally, she got out of line to call her business manager, who paid for her ticket." [Daily Express]
• Katy Perry says she's gotten some tips on hosting the MTV European Music Awards from her boyfriend Russell Brand, who hosted the VMAs. "We're stepping on each others turfs. I've learned a couple of things from Russell over the last months that might not be appropriate for this!" she said. [The Sun]
• Porn star Janine Lindemulder, who is fighting her ex Jesse James and Sandra Bullock over custody of her 5-year-old daughter, says she wants to sit down with Bullock as "two women" because, "It hurts tremendously, the accusation, especially from Sandra... Even more so because we've never sat down and talked. You know, that's the one thing that I wish more than anything, for a remedy for what's happening here, is just communication." [ABC News]
• Liz Hurley has launched a line of organic foods like oat and fruit bars and jerky. "It's compulsory portion control. I've never been able to chop a Jaffa Cake in half and just eat one piece," she said. [Style.com]
• A 27 foot-tall firework-filled effigy of Katie Price will be burned this weekend in England. [The Mirror]
• Robbie Williams says he though he was destined to remain a bachelor until he met American actress Ayda Field. He said: "I thought I was going to be a bachelor ... I was introduced to Ayda and things just changed - she's a wonderful person and I'm in love." [The Mirror]
• David Spade says he doesn't regret resurrecting a scene from Tommy Boy featuring Chris Farley for a DirecTV ad. Chris' brother Kevin Farley added that the commercial is "an honor to my brother." [TMZ]
• Mischa Barton says: "I'm just figuring out what my next move will be and really looking at a lot of different projects and figuring out what I want to do," now that The Beautiful Life has been cancelled. [Us]
• Farrah Fawcett's college boyfriend Greg Lott told Inside Edition that he and Farrah had rekindled their relationship and were together for the last 11 years, but Ryan O'Neal kept him from her funeral. [UPI]
• Jennifer Hudson says she's not done having kids. "Maybe one more. I'd like to have at least one more, a little girl," says Hudson. "I want a girl and then maybe another one. You know, one baby at a time." [People]
• Natalie Portman says of the role of the short shelf life imposed on actresses, "You see people who were stars five years ago and already they're waning... As actresses approach 40, it starts becoming really, really difficult." [People]
• At the link is a short film made by Richard Heene which shows the Henne family driving down a deserted road in a Jeep, and Heene playing the harmonica while a woman dances on the roof of the car." [Radar Online]
• The Kardashians charity boxing event went awry when Rob Kardashian's mask fell off and he had to be taken to the hospital. Kim Kardashian made it out with just a black eye. [E!]
• When Oprah Winfrey asked Hilary Swank if she plans to marry her boyfriend of three years John Campisi she said, "It's not something we're talking about... I don't know. We'll see." [People]
• Ryan Seacrest's production company is developing a show called Bank of Hollywood in which rich Hollywood celebrities will take pitches from ordinary people who need cash, ranging from people raising money for charity to a grad student who can't afford a ring to propose to his girlfriend. "The idea's simple," Seacrest said. "We are giving away tons of money to everyday people to alleviate the stress of today's climate and have fun." [Live Feed]
• When asked if she would like to marry Mel Gibson, Oksana Grigorieva said, "Yes, but right now we're just so happy to be having this child together." [People]
• Debi Mazar says, "Madonna and I have been friends for almost three decades — dear friends... Our children have had play dates, and we will always be friends." [Us]
• Barry Gibb of The Bee Gees says he and his brother Robin Gibb are, "Like a non-violent version of Oasis... The competition between Robin and I is so strong, we both want attention so badly, that it actually brings something better out of both of us. It's like a basketball team, one player is pushing the other to rise to a different level. If I didn't have Robin to compete with, I wouldn't be able to do what I do." [The Telegraph]
• Jeremy Piven's rep says his recent comments on growing man boobs were taken out of context. "[Piven's comment] was taken from a silly Q&A piece that he did for a U.K. [movie] magazine called Empire," said his rep. Piven's rep. "They asked him, 'How much is a pint of milk?' to which he responded, 'I don't have a clue.' He said he used to drink soy milk, found out it had too much estrogen, made a funny remark about growing breasts and that was it." [TV Guide]
• Anti-rape activist Gabrielle Union says of the Richmond gang rape case: "I'm sad more than anything. After googling the gang rape story in Richmond and reading comments on blogs, it just leaves me sickened and really sad. The fact that race and socio-economics have been used to explain away a brutal gang rape...just sad...maybe I just have seen every kind of rapist and survivor...every race, color, religion, socio-economic status group...it's all the same...a lack of regard for violence against women. Tolerated, and in this case encouraged by the mob surrounding the perps...laughing, joking and taking pics." [Shakesville]
• Dustin Hoffman says his favorite memory of the New York Public Library is, "It's the first place I ever got laid... It was in the nonfiction section in 1958." When asked if he was being serious he replied, "I wasn't serious, but she was." [N.Y. Magazine]
• Alec Baldwin said he's heard about less than 5,000 people watching 30 Rock when it premiered in Germany. "It was so low that we didn't even have a rating," he said. "We didn't even get one rating point... We have work to do in Germany." [N.Y.T.]
• Alec Baldwin started a rumor about Julianne Moore guest starring on 30 Rock by saying, "I won't say who it is, but someone very near to us who may be coming on to play my girlfriend for four episodes," while standing near her on the red carpet. [E!]
• Hugh Jackman praised the the two men taking over as Oscar hosts this year, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, saying, "They are both fantastic. Steve actually gave me a lot of funny hints last year ... I rang him and he was really helpful. He is really funny and he knows what he's doing. He's done this before. Alec Baldwin is also a true genius. I think the both of them together have hosted Saturday Night Live like 100 times, so you know they must be funny." [N.Y. Magazine]
• "Living in New York, I feel stronger and more like a woman than ever before. In high school, it was like, what power do I have - I have long blonde hair, you know? But working as hard as I do now, I feel a sense of power and respect, too. And I've learned an incredible amount about fashion on Gossip Girl. Clothes are a personal expression, and my style is as ever-changing as I am: I'm growing, maturing, developing, I'm going through new things in my life, and with that, what I choose to wear changes." — Blake Lively [Just Jared]
• When UK Glamour asked Leighton Meester if she's a "good girlfriend," she said, "I don't know... it's not really the goal of my existence." [ONTD]
• Woody Allen has explained how you can tell whether one of his films is good or bad. "If I look at the film and it's no good, I don't like to give it an aggressive title, I give it ... the kind of title that is low-key and promises nothing, so people are less disappointed by it." As for his next film You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger he says, "Well, that was a very aggressive title, so you can hope that it's a good movie. If I didn't think it was a good film, I would give it a quiet one-word title to deflect attention from it - so now you know the secret." [N.Y. Magazine]

OK!
"Yes! We're In Love"
Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift are so on! Swift is hosting SNL November 7, and Lautner may appear! And Lautner may take Swift as his date to the New Moon premiere! Also: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had a "couple's self-therapy session" when they met up at his hotel in Beverly Hills and talked through their problems. Moving on: Kate Hudson and A-Rod may get hitched. A Source says: "He wants to think of a creative and cute way to pop the question." Kate loves to joke, "I don't look like a Rodriguez, so you'll have to take my name." Khloe Kardashian says: "We definitely want a big family. Lamar keeps asking me when I want to start!" Margaret says: You've only known each other for two months, so you have time. Lastly: The kids from Glee get the tabloid treatment when the mag asks, "More than just friends?" When you read the article, you find the answer: No.
Grade: F (fetid quagmire)

Life & Style
"I Love Being Pregnant"
Where are the covers which read "I Hate Being Pregnant!" or "I Feel Fat & Gross"?? Anyway: Kourtney Kardashian is "excited to be a mom" but also "nervous." YAWN. Moving on: Britney Spears wants to marry Jason Trawick! She says the sex is great! But an insider says: "Jason truly cares about Britney. Nobody doubts that. But in terms of real chemistry, it's not really there. It's more like they're best friends with benefits." Next: We don't even know what to say about "Taylor's Last Shirtless Photo Shoot," (see image 7) and we might go to jail for looking at it, so let's move on. The story titled "Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson: Love At 30,000 Feet" is, unfortunately, not about joining the mile high club. Instead we learn that the two secured the entire first class section of an Alaska Airlines flight for themselves — and sat next to each other. Brad and Angie found time for a "date night." The caption on a picture of them in a car reads: "The Look Of Love: As Brad drove his new Camaro, 'Angelina looked at him with an expression of admiration,' says a witness." Lastly: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are having a marriage crisis. A friend says he's gotten into trouble with Fergie over his flirting before — and usually he "crawls back to her and begs for forgiveness." Now the allegations are that he hooked up with a stripper and a source says: "Fergie's in denial. She's going on like it's business as usual."
Grade: D- (murky bog)

Us
"Fergie Betrayed"
Don't you just love how the cover shows Ferg looking innocent and her man with a wandering eye? Stripper Nicole Forrester was allegedly offered $20,000 for her story about having sex with Josh Duhamel — but has yet to collect. She did pass a lie detector test and is in "possession of racy texts." She says a seemingly inebriated Josh "wanted to party" so they watched porn, then hooked up. They fell asleep together and he kept waking her up to have more sex. Josh's rep denies everything. Next: Rihanna says, "I am stronger, wiser and more aware" now. And: "You don't realize how much your decisions affect people you don't even know — like fans." Jennifer Aniston had a tipsy night out at some wedding — she was "the life and soul" of the party and danced to "Paparazzi." Jude Law and Sienna Miller are hooking up — a source says "They're fooling around again, but I'm not sure if they're dating." Kate Hudson and A-Rod "love having sex." People will call her and she'll say "we're having nap time," which is what they call their sex time. Brad and Angie attended a party thrown by Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. He says: "I emailed Angie last minute — and they came." No limos for these kids — Brad drove himself and Angie there in a Chevy Camaro. Lastly: The Lindsay Lohan spread called "What's Wrong With Her Face" just made us sad (see image 8).
Grade: D (mucky swamp)

In Touch
"The Fight For Suri"
Tom wants Suri to be homeschooled, as is common in Scientology, and Katie wants her to go to Catholic school when she turns 5. Kate has become disenchanted with Scientology, and she doesn't like that Tom's other kids, Connor and Isabella — who were homeschooled — have very few friends, and the friends they do have are Scientologists. Katie is also freaked out by Scientology's reluctance to give kids medicine and assigning kids chores at a young age. Plus, she doesn't like that Suri's Scientology nanny has been giving Suri a drink called Calmag, which is made with calcium, magnesium, vinegar and hot water, and "relaxes children." The mag calls Suri "an adult at age 3" because she uses the dictionary — her nanny encourages her to look up words she doesn't know when reading; she doesn't play with kids and has no friends her own age. Moving on: "No Longer Embarrassed By Their Boobs" is four pages about women who have changed their breasts: Megan Fox got implants; Queen Latifah got a reduction; Drew Barrymore got a reduction and Christina Aguilera got implants because she was insecure. Next: Angelina found out that Brad's been texting Jen by going through his cell phone while he was asleep. He didn't deny it and admitted to Angie that he misses his ex-wife; Angie spent the rest of the day in tears. But! "That night, she made a point of appearing with Brad in public." And! Brad doesn't care how upset Angelina is — he's going to continue texting his ex-wife. In Fergie/Josh news, one source says Josh is so in love with Fergie and none of the cheating rumors are true. Fergie is apparently "sobbing" behind the scenes. Michael Lohan is now bad-mouthing Jon Gosselin, saying: "Jon has become secretive and distant. He has become a different person than I thought he was." By which you mean he wants nothing to do with you?!?! Janet Jackson has reunited with Jermaine Dupri and is planning to marry him. Janet is planning to eventually raise Michael Jackson's kids and thinks it would be good for them to have a father figure. She'd like to get married early next year — "the family needs something to smile about," a source says. Tony Romo is dating Candace Crawford — Chase's sister — and Jessica Simpson is "heartbroken" because Tony has invited Candace to live with him. Jess totally wanted to live with Tony when they were together, but he said No. Lastly, "Who Wore It Better" pits celebrity children against each other, regardless of age: That's why Lourdes has to battle Suri. (See image 9)
Grade: D (gassy marsh)

Star
"Angie & Brad's Dark Secrets Exposed!"
Ian Halperin, who's done unauthorized books on Kurt Cobain and Michael Jackson, is writing a new salacious tell-all, called Brangelina Exposed. He claims that Angelina throws things at Brad. She makes comments about Jennifer Aniston all the time, like, "You'd be just as miserable with Jen" — and Brad shoots back, "Jen would never act like you." Brad is depressed and deals with by smoking pot and drinking almost every night. Brad is also "slipping in and out of his home" through neighbor's yards to meet "a waiting Town Car that spirits him away from his family drama." Oh, and Brad is "drinking away his looks." (See image 10.) Meanwhile, Angie is in an ongoing lesbian relationship with Jenny Shimuzu. Jenny started calling after Angie's mom died and "there's always bee an animal attraction between them." Angelina has another lady on the side near their chateau in France; she's an artist around Angie's age and they see each other whenever Angie is in town. Finally, they have a "whole crate" of intimate pictures and video that Brad took during the early days of their relationship. Scandalous! Moving on: Jessica Szohr brought her boyfriend Ed Westwick to a friend's wedding in Milwaukee and after a couple of drinks, she made Ed do a special dance for the bride. It involved Ed shirtless. (See image 11.) If you want a Lady Gaga My Little Pony, it'll cost you $589 and up! (See image 12.) Blind item! "Which hunky actor is a real stinker? His girlfriend has refused his kisses because of his seriously bad breath. Maybe that's the reason they're constantly on and off." (How about: All of them.) Chris Martin was seen making out with Kate Bosworth in the VIP section of U2's Las Vegas show. Other stars in the VIP section at the time include Bill Clinton, Jessica Alba and Sean Penn. Later Bosworth was telling people about being good friends with Gwyneth, maybe to justify her actions? Supposedly Chris has had a crush on her since he saw Blue Crush. Levi Johnston is going to sue Sarah Palin because she's preventing him from seeing his son. Next: Is Nicole Richie wearing a wedding band? Did Adam Lambert dump his boyfriend for another guy? Also inside: Britney Spears is planning a spring wedding to Jason Trawick. Their relationship is the result of a devious plan by Brit's parents, Jamie and Lynn: They stared trying to hook Britney and Jason up in 2007 — but Jason was fat then, and didn't have the dangerous side that Britney likes. The parents decided that Jason needed to get hotter — and fast! They were so crafty that Britney believed the makeover was her idea: She had her hairstylist dye his hair and give him a better goatee; and they've been working out together everyday. Peep Jason's new look — and his old look, which is K-Fed-esque (See image 13). Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are falling apart. They were arguing in the car before a GQ event; Demi was upset that Ashton was pounding beer. She said it was immature to drink so much before the party. Plus, she's "always uncomfortable" when he's around pretty young women, and she doesn't want him going out without her — for fears that some young starlet will snap him up. Do you get it yet? SHE IS OLD. Lastly: Michael Bublé's ex is warning his current girlfriend that he's "a cheater and a rat." The ex says that he was sleeping with her during his 3-year relationship with Emily Blunt.
Grade: D+ (dense wetland)

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• Today in pointless clothing lines of the stars: Miley Cyrus and Max Azria's Wal-Mart collection! The digs look well worth every penny of their sub-$20 price point. [Lucky]
• Now, even the Kings of Leon has one. [Blackbook]

• Lady Gaga wants in on the action. On starting a clothing line, she told Flare magazine, "At some point, I will. Right now, I'm more concerned with using my fame to promote young designers such as Gary Card, an artist who designed a piece I used on stage." Why would she do such a thing? "There hasn't been a commercial artist lately that has embodied avant-garde and couture so insistently as myself." [ONTD]
• Gaga has one new position to console herself with: M.A.C. Viva Glam AIDS fund face. Cyndi Lauper will co-star in the campaign to sell lipstick and raise money for research. [WWD]
• The British Fashion Council and British Vogue are launching a fashion prize to encourage young talent, somewhat along the lines of the American Vogue/CFDA Fashion Fund awards, which kicked off in 2003. £200,000 will be awarded to one UK designer who can demonstrate he or she has international stockists, a media profile, and demonstrated need of the money. [Telegraph]
• Angelina Jolie and Shiloh are apparently fans of Stella McCartney's line for GapKids. [Radaronline]
• That Christian Louboutin made his first public appearance in Washington, D.C., under Obama's watch is no coincidence. "For eight years I was invited, but I never wanted to come before. I never wanted to come with Bush," says the shoe designer. "I'm looking forward to coming back — at least for four years." We really want to make a crack about voting with your feet here. [WaPo]
• Roberto Cavalli: "All over the world people don't treat me like a fashion designer; they treat me like a rock star… I can't walk down 5th Avenue without being treated like a rock star. In fact, maybe it's more… Many times I've walked down 5th Avenue with rock stars and nobody pays attention to them. It's very strange." [FWD]
• Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam portion of her pilot's license. Although heavily pregnant, and "Almost too big to fly," according to her instructor, she's still making supervised practice flights up to three days a week. [People]
• Karolina Kurkova has given birth to a baby boy. [People]
• Kelly Osborne: Fan of Spanx. [People]
• Christian Siriano says his new reality TV show will reflect the best of several recent high-profile fashion documentaries. "It's very like The September Issue, very Valentino [The Last Emperor]. We want it to be as cool and as real as possible." Apparently, September Issue director R.J. Cutler wouldn't touch the project, but he did advise Siriano "just to be real." [The Cut]
• Sadie Frost's clothing line with Jemima French, FrostFrench, is opening its second store in London's Soho. [WWD]
• A real ad man of the 1960s has some bones to pick with Mad Men's treatment of the brand London Fog. So an employee of an industry that manufactures fictions objects to a fictional show's fictionalizing history? We shake our heads at the irony. [AdAge]
• JC Penney is being sued for trademark infringement by the retailer New York & Company. New York & Company says Penney's new "NYC Style" slogan is too close to its "NY Style" advertising tag line. [WWD]
• Can Sir Philip Green conquer America? [Bloomberg]
• Polo Ralph Lauren reported a 10% rise in second-quarter profits. [TS]
• Bata shoes was, before Communism, an international brand headquartered in Slovakia. The company town isn't doing so hot right now, with the economic transition and the competition from Asia. [BussinessWeek]
• Liz Claiborne may have had seven consecutive quarterly losses, with the announcement of an eight expected next week, but C.E.O. Bill McCombs doesn't have to worry about one thing: his job security. McCombs recently had his contract renewed for another three years. It's not an unusual strategy: only 38 companies in the S&P 500 have replaced their C.E.O.'s in the year to September 30, down 10 on the same period last year, despite the trying economic times. [WSJ]
• Not so lucky is Missoni's general manager, Massimo Gasparini. He has been let go and his position will not be filled. [WWD]

While Ryder "personified the knowing malaise of the late '80s and early '90s," according to interviewer Nick Haramis, she's recently been on a "nine-year retreat from the spotlight." (It's true that we haven't heard much from her, but she has made several movies in the past decade.) Haramis writes:

Ryder rarely gives interviews, as if rebelling against-or atoning for-her effusive past. "It's weird," she says, "the whole concept of an interview. To hold someone accountable for what they've said or done when they were younger is bizarre. We evolve, we change-at least I hope we do."

While Ryder says she's learned to be wary of revealing too much to the press, it doesn't stop her from sharing this bit of personal information:

"I've just been told that news will break next week that I'm pregnant," she says laughing, "which is impossible." And just to make sure she has been understood, Ryder adds, "Because, you know, I'm on my… " Her left hand circles the air just south of her phantom baby bump.

Ryder reveals that she once had a short story published under a pseudonym because:

"I wanted to know what it felt like to have people enjoy something and not know it had anything to do with me." But wouldn't the recognition validate the work? "Well, I can't listen to Wagner because he hated Jews. I can't read Émile Zola-I mean, I love Émile Zola, but he had some scandals that were kind of scary-and I worship Woody Allen, but he had his thing, too. I struggle with the age-old question of how to separate the art from the artist."

She says her four year relationship with Johnny Depp, which started when she was 17, put her at the center of a media frenzy early in her career.

"Things changed for me when I met Johnny," she says. "This weird thing happens when you're written about in magazines, where you start to think, This is who I am. This is how I have to be. I felt restricted and pressured into being the way people perceived me. It was hard for me to find my footing. The Johnny thing made me really afraid of the press because, even though it was about him, I was beside him the entire time."

While she's on good terms with Depp and another celebrity ex, Matt Damon, the fact that her entire dating history is public makes starting a new relationship difficult.

"Matt couldn't be a greater, nicer guy. I'm really lucky that I'm on good terms with him," she says. "With Johnny, it's like we're good, but we lead very different lives." Ryder adds, "I was out at a bar with a friend who said, ‘Do you realize that in America you're never going to be able to meet a guy who knows nothing about you? Everyone will have preconceived ideas about who you are.' I got so bummed out. I'd never really thought about it that way."

Ryder says the media scrutiny caught up to her in 1990, so at 19-years-old she decided to seek psychological treatment.

"I remember waking up one morning," she says of her breaking point. "I looked in the mirror and thought, Am I going crazy? So I checked myself into a hospital where I stayed for a few days. I was surrounded by people who had been molested and abused. I felt like they hated me, didn't know what the fuck I was doing there and wanted me to get the hell out because what the fuck did I have to complain about?" A smile builds across her face when she adds, "When it was my turn to talk in group therapy sessions, I was like, I'm just really tired because it's hard to be famous."

She drew on her experience in the hospital while filming Girl, Interrupted years later. Angelina Jolie won an Oscar for her role in the film, and in some ways Ryder is responsible for jump-starting her career.

"I fought very hard for her to have that part, and I never really felt like I got the chance to know her." Did Jolie ever personally thank her? "I feel like it won't read in print very nicely if I say that wasn't really her style," she says. "But she seems to be a completely different person now."

Ryder is back on the interview circuit to promote Pippa Lee, in which she plays Sandra Dulles, "an adulterous mess of insecurity and self-interest," but she still refuses to discuss some of her own issues. She won't answer Haramis' questions about her December 2001 arrest for shoplifting at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills.

We move on, but before doing so, she touches my arm and, as though forgiving me for asking, says, "I understand. I'm curious about other people, so I have to understand when people are curious about me."

Read the rest of the interview here at BlackBookMag.com.

Winona Ryder Bites Back [BlackBook Magazine]

• In an exclusive interview with Glamour, Rihanna discusses the year she's had: "I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears." She also talks about the picture released by cops:

"It was humiliating; that is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of. I felt like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it's my life. I was disappointed, especially when I found out the photo was [supposedly leaked by] two women." She adds: "Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can't tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don't dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It's one of the things we [women] will hide, because it's embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn't heard. Now I can help speak for those women." [Glamour]

• Rihanna also sat down with Diane Sawyer, for an interview which will air Thursday on Good Morning America. This happened to me. … It can happen to anyone," she says. And she admits that Chris Brown was "definitely" her "first big love." [People, Extra, ET]
• Mariah Carey and Rihanna refused to talk or be photographed together at a Halloween party; yet Mariah's rep insists that MC "loves" Rihanna and would have said hello. [Page Six]
• Angelina Jolie and Shiloh shopped for Stella McCartney's new kids' line at the Gap in Santa Monica yesterday. A source says she "purchased two complete outfits right off the mannequins, head to toe, the shoes and everything. Then she bought a couple Junk Food t-shirts — one with a Superman emblem — and a bunch of Gap watches for all the kids. She probably spent close to $500." [Radar Online]
• Tyra Banks has lost 30 lbs. since her "Kiss My Fat Ass" incident in early 2007. She used to get awful stomachaches, and says: "I switched up my unhealthy eating habits for healthier eating habits, and I haven't had a tummy attack since December '08." And: "I feel good about my curves and my imperfections – my booty, my boobs, my thighs – I embrace it all. Now I really can say … kiss my fat – and still fat – ass." [People]
• A source says Gerard Butler did not hook up with Lindsay Lohan, despite that that was reported yesterday: "He's a fun, good-looking guy, and every time he even gets close to an actress, people assume something. He has no interest in Lindsay." [Gatecrasher]
• Gisele Bundchen passed the written exam to get her pilot's license. She's a month from her due date to give birth and the president of the aviation company says: "She's almost to a point where she's too big to be flying. She needs to be able to move the rudder around and she's getting there." [NY Daily News]
• Kate Gosselin believes her eight kids are "starting to show signs of stress and behavioral changes." [NY Daily News]
• Ooh, another Britloid caught in a lie! "Kate Winslet accepted £25,000 libel damages today after an 'offensive' claim in the Daily Mail that she had publicly lied about her exercise regime." [Guardian]
• President Barack Obama's Committee on the Arts and Humanities has a gaggle of bold-faced names: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kerry Washington, Alfre Woodard, Edward Norton, Forest Whitaker, Teresa Heinz (yes, John Kerry's wife), Anna Wintour and Yo Yo Ma. According to Politico, "The committee works with the National Endowment for the Arts, the National Endowment for the Humanities and the Institute of Museum and Library Services to coordinate the administration's arts initiatives." [Politico]
• Kathy Griffin will host Let's Dance, a new ABC show in which celebrities reenact famous dance routines from pop culture. Prediction: "Single Ladies" will be on the menu. Hopefully so will any number from Flashdance. [The Wrap]
• Owen Wilson has signed on to do the voice of Marmaduke in a live action/CGI movie based on the comic strip. I want to hear the dog say: "Me and my friends have been too busy bathing off the southern coast of St. Barts with spider monkeys for the past two weeks. Tripping on acid changed our whole perspective on shit." [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Drama involving Men Who Stare At Goats: "Jon Ronson, a journalist whose work inspired the film, credited his one-time best friend and film maker John Sergeant in the pages of his book. However, Sergeant claims to have been "airbrushed out" of the film adaptation and has aired his grievances about the snub in a letter to George Clooney." [Telegraph]
• Jude Law: Seen making out with a "hot blonde." [Page Six]
• A California appeals court has set a date to hear arguments in the Roman Polanski case: December 10. [AP]
• Courtney Love says she moved to New York because of "raids" on her home; a source says the visits were actually attempts by her drug counselor to stage an intervention. [Page Six]
• Kiefer Sutherland racked up a $700 bar tab between 7am and 1pm. (San Pedro) California… knows how to party! Keep it rockin… [TMZ]
• Mischa Barton saw her ex, Brandon Davis, at a party and spent the night avoiding him. Stars! Just like us. [Page Six]
• "Reports of a Halloween bust-up between Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt have been 'grossly misrepresented,' a rep for the socialite said." [Mirror]
• Jordin Sparks and Always brand feminine products are hosting "America's Biggest Sleepover" online on November 7. I don't get it, but there it is. [BrandWeek]
• Stephanie Seymour is getting divorced from husband Peter Brant and will get $270,000 a month. [Page Six]
• MSNBC columnist Courtney Hazlett actually read Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's new book, which she calls "America at its worst." The chapter titled "Women's Weapons of Mass Destruction" has Heidi writing: "A crying woman trumps all things … let's pretend for one second you MIGHT be wrong in an argument one day. Just go to the waterworks and all is forgiven, isn't it? … Even the most hardened villainess can break people down with puppy-dog eyes and a few tears." Hazlett responds: "Hey Heidi, quick question: Why did you have to lump an entire gender into your scurrilous web of fame whoring tactics? I shudder to think, and do doubt, that a vapid essay about the upside of emotional exploitation could do anything to really move the needle on that front but nonetheless, it's counterproductive to continue to perpetrate such ideas. Women work hard enough to be taken seriously, this does no good." [MSNBC Scoop]
• For the last two months, six of the top 10 songs on Apple's music site have been from Glee. In this review the soundtrack gets four out of five stars. [NY Daily News]
• Simon Cowell's mom thinks he should marry his ex, Terri Seymour, and this is news. She told some magazine: "Terri loved Simon purely for the person he is, unlike some of the others. She was my favourite, but sadly Simon is married to his work!" [The Sun]
• This Nas vs. Kelis stuff is still going on! He's trying to block her from getting spousal support… and he's also asking for joint custody. [TMZ]
• Jeremy Piven stopped drinking soy milk: "I've found out [it] has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts." [Gatecrasher]
• Mel Gibson's divorce = selling off of his production company. [Showbiz 411]
• ZZ Top guitarist Billy Gibbons took the subway to his gig at Wembley Stadium and found that he was riding with ZZ Top fans on their way to the concert. He says: "Being the consummate tourist, I wanted to ride the Tube… It's a only a block from the hotel down to the station. There was a guy on the route that was checking me out and it was getting a little edgy, and then I realised that he was looking at a ZZ Top concert ticket for the Wembley show. I may [do it again] in the future... I beat my partners by 45 minutes." [BBC News]
• At the link, Carly Simon talks about her new album. As for her previous album — which was released by Starbucks right before the company scaled back its involvement in music — she says: "My record was basically an abortion. I was in a really bad funk, because I had put so much of myself into the record." [Reuters]
• Flight Of The Conchords' Jemaine Clement is in a new film, which he says he enjoys: "Things like Gentlemen Broncos are even more fun, because someone's already thought of all that stuff, and I just slip into it and try to realize their idea." [Reuters]
• "'Action hero' is not something I thought I'd have the chance to do. I mean, I'm 39 years old! I thought at this point, I'd be sinking into oblivion." — Elizabeth Mitchell, of Lost, and now V. [LA Times]
• "It was the first time that anyone has ever died that's close to me — it's a universal feeling that anyone feels, shock, sadness… I do feel really proud, I feel like it was such an impossibly difficult thing they were faced with trying to finish and I feel very proud that they did manage to finish it. Heath was an extraordinary person and you get to see it now." — Lily Cole, who stars with Heath Ledger in The Imaginarium Of Dr Parnassus. [Mirror]
• "Starting the SNL process… I kinda feel like I might have a heart attack or pass out in the pitch meeting. I'm that excited." — Taylor Swift, via Twitter. [People]
• "I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise. I strongly believe that women should be encouraged to accept themselves as they are, so to suggest that I was lying was an unacceptable accusation of hypocrisy." — Kate Winslet. [Guardian]
• "When I was younger, I was much more careful about choosing my roles. I was nervous. Hollywood in the '80s was a horrible place. Now that I feel less stressed, I can take more risks… There are some really shocking things in Antichrist. They are important and they are part of the film, but they are not the film. It's like with The Crying Game. Everything hung on those two seconds, but there was so much more to the story than that. I hope Lars hasn't shot himself in the foot by being provocative." — Willem Dafoe, who is a rat in The Fantastic Mr. Fox, a creature of the night in The Vampire's Assistant as well as a man who gets his genitals mutilated in Antichrist. Also, click to see a great portrait of Dafoe — dig the flower behind the ear! [BlackBook]
• "She needs to sell records because she's not a singer, and that's not an offense to her because I think that she knows that too. I think she's a performer and she's more of a personality than she is a singer. But I think when musicians are really making real music people come to the show and that's what we make our money from, from playing live. And I think it's probably harder for an artist like Lily and any other pop acts. It's really about the track and about their personality and their celebrity and that's how they make their money is selling those records. So the downloads — she's not going to win that fight. None of us will win that fight. So let's just accept it and let's see it as something that can be beautiful and it might change music for the better. It might sort the weeds from the flowers. Who said that musicians have to be millionaires? Who made this a rule? We don't need that much money. We just don't. We only need enough to make music and to eat and to go on tour." — Joss Stone on Lily Allen. [MIrror]
• "I am going to go to court to get a legal conservatorship to get Lindsay into rehab and finally get her off all the prescription meds. [Wife] Dina is going to sit down with me and the lawyers and make things right for Lindsay. She is taking Adderol, Xanax, Paxil. She's a beautiful girl but she looks 100 years old." — Michael Lohan on daughter Lindsay. [Page Six]

[Image via Glamour]

• Here are leaked pictures of Lindsay Lohan's spring campaign for 6126. The images were shot by reality-TV-star photographers Markus Klinko and Indrani. [Gone Hollywood]

• That was quick: Steve Madden has finalized a deal with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to manufacture shoes and accessories for the pair's new Olsenboye JC Penney's brand. [Crains]
• Francesca Versace, the niece of Donatella and daughter of Santo, was rejected the first time she applied to Central St. Martins. "I went to the London College of Fashion and did business and pattern cutting, which I hated, but reapplied for Saint Martins and finally got in. The first year, I was crying all the time. All the teachers gave me such a hard time." The designer says that, eventually, she started to fit in. "I did three years and I loved it. I had so much fun by the end." Now she lives in London and is best friends with Silvio Berlusconi's daughter. [Times UK]
• The December cover of Harper's Bazaar is rumored to feature Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. [WWD]
• Sometimes the Daily Mail online headline writers are evil geniuses. "Can Chanel Really Gild This Lily Or Are They Allen A Laugh?" would be one of those times. [Daily Mail]
• Project Runway alum Jeffrey Sebelia is taking his poor-man's-Santino aesthetic to his latest position, as creative director of the casual wear label Fluxus. [WWD]
• The M.A.C.-sponsored fashion shows at Milk Studios will continue at least for the next two years, says Estee Lauder Group president John Demsey. [The Cut]
• Scott Schuman's project for Burberry involved him shooting 100 trench coats, reveals Garance Doré. Included in the post is one of the pictures, of Doré wearing a short navy trench with a Yankees cap. [Garance Doré]
• The Gucci family biopic that Ridley Scott is making has Gucci family members upset. The story he's dramatizing — the intrafamily struggle for control that cost the life of eventual winner Maurizio Gucci, who was killed on his wife's orders just after hiring young designer Tom Ford — does not, they feel, redound to their benefit. "Enough mud," says Patrizia Gucci, Maurizio's cousin. "We have been through horrible things and paid plenty in person. I will write a book about the Guccis to say who they really are. And I will give Scott a copy, in hopes that his movie will never be released." Angelina Jolie is purportedly in talks to play Maurizio's wife. [Variety]
• And with the opening of Mongolia's first Louis Vuitton store, late last month, comes the inevitable trend story about how Ulaan Bator is, like, so hot right now (move over, Paris!). Actually, the warmest praise the capital garners from Louis Vuitton C.E.O. Yves Carcelle is that it is equivalent to "a good-sized provincial town in China." [News.com.au]
• Prada had just nailed down an agreement with its garment workers' union to furlough 250 out of 3,000 workers at its factory for four to six weeks when it announced that the rotating suspensions will only last three weeks. Spring orders outstripped the company's expectations by 10%. [Reuters]
• Gabriel Aubry, the male model who fathered Halle Berry's child, will be the spring face of Louis Vuitton men's wear. [Sassybella]
• Marc Jacobs might do a reality show. "I have very specific ideas about a show and how I'd want it to go, and I'd want it to be really different than the other ones," says the designer. But, "I don't think it's going to happen. I don't think so, unless we came up with the right thing, the right way." He hasn't been in touch with Bravo, who a few weeks back said it was "desperate" to have Jacobs in a show. We'd recommend re-watching Loïc Prigent's Louis Vuitton doc if you're feeling anxious. [The Cut]
• Alexander "I make $390 Italian yarn bike shorts" Wang, on his successful Barneys trunk show last week: "When I got to Barneys, I was welcomed with the news that our Rocco bag had a waiting list of 400-plus. By day's end, their entire Spring 2010 handbag order sold out with pre-buys — and that's before it will even hit the floor. Yikes! Good news, but now we're going to have to figure out how to produce more bags so our section won't be empty come January." A 400-plus person waiting list? Are the bags made of gold? Is it magically charmed so that whatever you wish for, you reach in and, pouf, there it is? Does it buy you drinks after a long day? Because we're struggling to understand what it is that's attractive about a black leather bag with studs on the bottom that costs nearly a grand. [Style.com]

Wendy was firmly on Team Marcheline, and derided Angelina for being a conniving teen harlot who is trying to make up for it now by acting like "Mother Teresa" and adopting a lot of kids. Wendy's producer held up a sign that read "boyfriend wrong abuse," to remind Wendy that Angelina was underage at the time of the affair. Wendy reminded him that teenage girls aren't stupid. And then she said she was happy to present both sides of the argument, in the style of "Judge Judy."

Life & Style
"I Lost 82 Lbs!"
Everyone loves a weight loss story… Except for us. Six pages of Biggest Loser info — including an "old diet" versus "new diet" chart and the obligatory grilled chicken over salad photo. Moving on: "More Heels For Suri" is self-explanatory (See image 7). "Wow! How Did They Do That?" is a baby weight feature in which pregnancy weights are compared to post-pregnancy weights. All weights were estimated from photos by a doctor who does not treat the stars. Obviously. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a "hot and flirty date"! The lead image looks like a shot of the happy couple, but it's actually two pictures cleverly pasted together. (See image 8; we added arrows pointing to the seam.) A source says Jess and Gerard had chemistry, but she ended up going home with her hairdresser. Someone else says: "He's horny, but there's nothing really going on between them." Next: Brad Pitt had a motorcycle mishap and told some guy that Angie was going to kill him, because she thinks motorcycles are too dangerous. (But didn't she buy him the bike?) Psychotherapist Jenn Berman, who does not treat Brad, says: "I don't think it's a good idea for a father to risk his safety." Lastly: Ashlee Simpson's character has been written out of Melrose Place and she is "devastated." And! Losing her salary is not good for the Simpson-Wentzes.
Grade: F (broken filling)

OK!
"Split!"
Robert Pattinson showed up 45 minutes late to the Eclipse wrap party, and when he left, he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The mag writes: "The reason? He was hiding his broken heart." A "friend" of the couple's says he was talking marriage but Kristen Stewart wasn't ready. Apparently Kristen filmed some steamy love scenes with Taylor Lautner, and keeps talking about how he's getting "bigger and bigger and bigger." A source says "she couldn't stop noticing his bod. His hot bod." Anyways, Rob and Kristen are on a break, but it doesn't mean things are over. The break, interestingly enough, coincides with the hiatus between Twilight movies. (Robert doesn't want to go to LA with Kristen because he's scared of earthquakes.) Next: Bradley Cooper told Renée Zellweger he wants to slow down before anyone's feelings get hurt. The mag calls out Star for printing that Mary-Kate got engaged and also refutes Life & Style's claim that Angelina Joie has a fear of hugging. Check out the "exhaustive research" by their "Investigative Team" (See image 9). Jennifer Aniston is "one step closer to being a mom" because she visited an orphanage in Tijuana, where she made the kids spaghetti for dinner. She's also house-hunting in Mexico. Lastly: There's a two-page feature on Abigail Spencer, who plays Suzanne Farrell — aka Don Draper's mistress — on Mad Men.
Grade: D- (poppy seed stuck in teeth)

In Touch
"Running Back To Jen."
Brad got into a motorcycle accident, but the real news is that he was on his way to a "top secret meeting" with Jennifer Aniston. In other words: Brad was trying to get to Jen and away from Angie so fast, he had an accident! According to sources, Angelina is "not liking" the independent streak that Brad has been showing lately, and Brad realizes that leaving Jen for Angie was "hotheaded and dumb." A "pal" says: "They had a whirlwind affair and he was following Angelina around like a love sick puppy for a while." But now? "He sees her for nasty, calculating person that she is, and he wants to leave. It's terrible, because he feels trapped." Next there are disturbing photos of RHONJTeresa Giudice's new baby wearing feathers and leopard print. (See image 10). Ashlee Simpson "cried in her dressing room" after getting the boot from Melrose Place, poor thing. Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a "cheesy" new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman. It will be called Jon - Kate = Jon+ Octomom. BREAKING: "Katie Holmes returns to her sad life in Boston with Tom Cruise." BREAKING: Susan Boyle is younger than Madonna. (See image 11). Lastly, Matthew McConaughey's kid is just a tiny version of Matthew McConaughey. (See image 12).
Grade: D (pineapple string stuck in teeth)

Us
"This Time I'm Sure."
The guy from The Bachelor proposed to Meilssa Rycroft, then broke it off and got with the Molly from the show, and is now engaged to Molly. Or something. We didn't read the story. Moving on: An Melrose Place insider says they hired Ashlee because they needed a good name for "buzz," but she was embarrassingly bad. Another source says: "She's the worst actress, but nobody will tell her." The spread called "Tinseltown Transformations" is the best thing we have ever seen and proves that everyone you suspect had a nose job (coughTyracough) actually did. The ones you're not sure about are the ones with really good surgeons. (See images 13 and 14 ). Madonna gives Jesus expensive presents when she regrets being nasty to him. She bosses him around, feels guilty later, then buys him stuff like hand-tailored silk shirts. Ryan Gosling is still pining for Rachel McAdams. A friend says Ryan considered Rachel the love of his life and hasn't had eyes for anyone else since their breakup. Taylor Swift invited Taylor Lautner to the set of a commercial she was filming and a source says "they were definitely acting like a couple." Next is the amazing chart which proves that Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston are "on the same path." They like Mexican food! They have great hair! (See image 15). Kate Hudson and A-Rod are planning their life together, and A-Rod is "less of a jerk" now that he's with Kate. Apparently the sex is good and Kate "gets graphic" talking about A-Rod's body — "even to her parents." In Jackson kids news, a source says all the guys in the family (Joe; the Jackson brothers) look at them with dollar signs in their eyes — while the women (Katherine, the Jackson sisters) are protecting them.
Grade: D+ (popcorn husk stuck in teeth)

Star
"Tom & Katie: The End"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' third wedding anniversary is coming up — November 18 — which means they can "renegotiate their marriage contract"! When they got hitched, Tom had a 100-page document drawn up, spelling out everything from Katie's clothing allowance to a cash bonus for having babies. She wants: A bigger clothing allowance; for Tom to find a movie for her to star in; and another Broadway show. She got a $3 million "gift" when she had Suri, and every year Tom increases the additional offspring prize offer as an incentive for Katie to get pregnant. This year he's prepared to bump it up to $5 million! Tom wants Katie to get pregnant NOW and every week he reminds her that she is 30 and her biological clock is ticking away. Her dad's a lawyer, so she talks to him about the contract and is holding off on the baby while the deal is being made. If Tom and Katie don't work out the contract, they could split and fight over Suri — plus, Katie could "spill some of Tom's dark secrets." Next: New Line Cinema is supposedly casting a Jon and Kate movie, and would like Cameron Diaz for Kate and Johnny Depp for Jon. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were photographed together recently, and Rihanna got a ton of calls asking if she'd seen the pictures. She "flipped," because she's really into Justin. When she emailed him and asked him what was going on, he said he was trying to work things out with Jess. Now Rihanna feels that she got played. Kate Hudson answered A-Rod's cellphone, and when he complained, she threw the phone in the toilet. Blind item! "Which divorcée hasn't had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as 'a friend,' but now that things are over, she's on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company." This is weird: "Rachel Bilson wears the pants" in her relationship because she and Hayden Christensen went out to dinner and she ordered his meal, picked up the bill, and, "when they left, Rachel even drove!" Brad and Angie's English bulldog, Jack, destroyed a $500,000 Marcel Dzama painting. Jenny Craig spokeswoman Queen Latifah had breakfast in Beverly Hills and ordered a latte, three muffins, a slice of chocolate cake and a cinnamon roll to go. A source says: "She had a guilty look on her face." Maddox has been pushing his parents to get married, so in late September, Brad and Angie had a ceremony at their house, and it was officiated by Maddox. He assigned roles for everyone: Shiloh was the "ring bear"; Zahara was the flower girl, and Pax was the best man. Viv and Knox watched and giggled. Angelina wore a white dress; Brad wore a suit; Maddox wore camouflage; Pax wore a soccer jersey; Shiloh had her sword; Zahara wore a dress and tiara. Moving along: Kristen Stewart did not show up to the Eclipse wrap party and Robert Pattinson only stayed for 45 minutes before leaving alone. Sources say they had a fight on October 15 because Rob told Kristen that he was going back to the UK on their hiatus and wouldn't have time for her. Noah Cyrus, 9, wore a "racy getup" to a fundraiser last weekend. (See image 16). Jen, Jess and Cam are in the center of the "Hollywood Love Swap," surrounded by a constellation of guys (See image 17). Is Heather Locklear to blame for Ashlee Simpson getting fired from Melrose Place? Sources say Heather wanted her gone so it could be her show. Lastly, Miranda Kerr and Jamie King are "skin and bones." The mag writes of Kerr: "Although she refuses to reveal her true weight, Dr. Fisher believes Miranda weighs about 110 lbs." Does this mean a reporter actually called her publicist and asked for Miranda Kerr's weight?!?! Dr. Fisher, who has not treated Miranda, is the author of The Park Avenue Diet. Obviously.
Grade: C- (spinach stuck in teeth)

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The first go-round was bad enough. Today, Samuels posts a follow-up piece rehashing the same points with a supposedly damning photo of Zahara's hair. Newsflash: that's what natural hair looks like with a wash and go. That's what my hair looks like right now! What does Ms. Samuels want her to do, put on a headband? Is a wash and go suddenly okay if we use accessories?

Seriously, there are three big issues at play here that she missed in her analysis.

Zahara Jolie-Pitt Is A Transracial Adoptee And Third Culture Kid

First of all, all of the Jolie-Pitt kids have some unique circumstances. In addition to the transracial adoption angle, the Jolie-Pitts are a nomadic family, settling in places for a while and then moving on. This means that they are all Third Culture Kids. They do not have a dominant society that they grew up in, which means that they may or may not absorb the cultural norms of any of the places they have lived. The children may grow up to feel allegiance to one particular place, or none at all. All this is to say that Zahara may not grow up identifying with the black American experience.

No doubt, Zahara Jolie-Pitt is black. But in the global sense of the word, not in the American way Samuels applies in her piece. As many commenters pointed out in our original post about this, Z is not African-American. She was adopted from Ethiopia, and if Ms. Samuels is ever in DC, I would be more than happy to take her down to the U Street Corridor so she can see how many women from Ethiopia wear their hair. (If she wants to look right now, here's some traditional styles - she'll notice that braids, cornrows, curly fros, loose hair, and the Quntcho (represented stateside and elsewhere as a fro-hawk) are all represented. For more contemporary styles, the contestants in the Ethiopian Millennium Pageant also rock a variety of looks.)

Ms. Samuels is applying a uniquely African American framework to a child who does not have that experience.

Now, that doesn't mean Zahara Jolie-Pitt will have a life free of hair struggles. Curly haired readers from across the globe have pointed out their issues with beauty standards and black hair. Which brings me to my next point.

The Black-on-Black Crime That is Hair Policing Has to End

One of things that drives me insane about these conversations is that they are all hair policing. As Samuels writes in her latest piece:

But the actress should know that the next time Zahara asks about hair, it won't be why her hair isn't similar to others in her house. It will be why her hair doesn't look like other brown girls' does.

On a cultural note, I'd like Angelina to also know how much bonding goes on when mothers sit down to comb their daughter's hair; something that happens in almost every culture, but particularly in the African-American community. My fondest memories are of me sitting on the floor as my mother brushed and oiled my hair.

Okay, that's great. Let me ask her this: what happened after those fond memories? The styles of childhood do not continue into our preteen years, the age when black girls normally get their first relaxers. Does she have fond memories of her mother basing her scalp before she applied the chemicals that would straighten her hair? Or is that a ritual that is just understood as a part of growing up? Are her memories scarred with the taunts of other children? My cousins came home crying after being teased about their "beady-beads" and their "kitchens." And who did the taunting? Many times, it was other black students. We need to stop encouraging conformity and hair hatred, because there is a logical end to the path we are walking down. Instead of fighting each other when someone's hair doesn't conform to our specific ideals, wouldn't it make more sense to fight against a racist system that penalizes and politicizes certain hair styles?

Loose, Curly Hair is Not the Enemy.

Wearing it loose is one of the things a person does when she actually likes the look of her natural hair. Crazy, I know. It isn't as if Zahara can't get ponytails and plaits - the pic used to illustrate this post proves that. But there is nothing wrong with wearing hair loose. Just because the dominant narrative says that curly hair looks wild, unkempt, or untamed unless it is partially braided, in a head band, or otherwise "tamed" doesn't mean we have to buy into it.

To be honest, I'm pissed. I'm pissed at these messed up dynamics, I'm pissed that someone with a Newsweek-level platform can keep bashing the hammer about Zahara without discussing the larger dynamics involved with discussions of natural hair, and I'm pissed that I feel like I'm defending the Pokemon-style adoption tactics of Angelina Jolie, or glossing over the very real indicators shown when a white adoptive parent can't be bothered to learn how to properly care for their child's hair. But specifically in this case, I think the ire directed at Ms. Jolie about her child's hair is misplaced.

Please, for all that is right and good in the world, let's leave Zahara be. We can help to shape a world where she doesn't feel pressured to relax her hair to conform, nor does she feel deficient if she decides to wear her hair the way it grows out of her head. We can shape a world were a decision to relax one's hair is an inconsequential as a decision to dye it or cut it. And if little Zahara grows up and does choose to relax her hair, she should be able to do so in a world that will not judge her personal politics by what she applies to her head.

Zahara Jolie-Pitt And The Politics Of Uncombed Hair [Newsweek]

Related: We Are All Team Zahara [Newsweek]
Third Culture Kids [Wikipedia]
Ethiopian Hair Styles [Ethiopedia]
Are curls the new straight hair? (The Germany Files) [Racialicious]
Hair, Apparently. [Racialicious]
Nappily Ever After? Not Quite… [Racialicious]

Earlier: Thanks For Your Concern, But Zahara's Hair Will Be Fine

[West Hollywood, October 27. Image via Getty]

• Did Rosie O'Donnell try to romance Angelina Jolie? She told Howard Stern on his radio show:

"We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that… There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through. I was a little afraid of Angelina. She's scary in a sexual kind of way." [Gatecrasher]

• Charlize Theron's nickname is Ass-nuts. No, really. [Mirror]
• Last week, Lil' Wayne pleaded guilty to possessing a .40-caliber semi-automatic cops found in a Louis Vuitton bag on his tour bus. He's focusing on partying before he gets sentenced in February — when he's expected to get a year in jail. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan has moved out of her Hollywood Hills house, which was broken into in August. She's now in a West Hollywood condo. Adjust accordingly. [Page Six]
• On his album cover, Adam "Glambert" Lambert reminds me of Debbie Gibson or Belinda Carlisle. [The Life Files]
• Since her TV career is iffy, Kate Gosselin has renewed her nursing license — she used to be a labor and delivery nurse at The Reading Hospital and Medical Center in Pennsylvania. It's good to have a back-up plan! Imagine having contractions and then seeing her in the delivery room? [RadarOnline]
• Yikes: Matthew Broderick's new play was previewing Monday night, but he wasn't prepared. He had to stop the play to ask for his lines 10 times during the first act alone. [Gatecrasher]
• Critics cannot stop gushing about Carey Mulligan, earning her "It Girl" status. She says: "It Girl is such a weird term,… It implies I go to parties and drink champagne and um… it's weird." [CNN]
• The Church of Scientology is pissed Crash director Paul Haggis claims the religion is anti-gay. Tommy Davis, a spokesperson for Scientology, says: "The church supports civil rights for everybody, regardless of sexual orientation, race, color or creed. We are a minority, too; we understand what it's like to be persecuted, so to the extent that anything prohibits or inhibits on civil rights, we don't agree with it." So why was the Church's name of a list of churches which supported Prop 8? Davis says that was an error. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Take a deep breath: The Jonas Brothers are not, repeat NOT breaking up. It's true that Nick Jonas has formed a band called Nick Jonas & The Administration, but he says: "We've said from the beginning of our career as the Jonas Brothers that anything we do outside of the group is a side project because you can't break up brothers… My brothers are my biggest supporters." [People]
• Secrets from Sex And The City 2: The Reckoning Of The Boogaloo! It's bigger! But not as long as the first! The cast has been shooting all night! With huge crowds involving hundreds of people! Please God let it be a prison dance scene. [The Sun]
• In Lily Allen's new video, she plays a woman obsessed with Elton John. As you may recall, the two had a "feud" last year when she called him an old drunk (I'm paraphrasing) and he told her he could snort her under the table. [News.com.au]
• Richard Gere is in talks to star on the UK show Strictly Dancing. He's done ballroom before — in Shall We Dance, with Jennifer Lopez. Not that I've seen it. [The Sun]
• Andre Agassi did meth in the '90s and then lied when he failed a drug test. [NY Post]
• Ryan Seacrest is producing a show called The Bank Of Hollywood, in which contestants pitch money-making ideas to business leaders. Sean Patterson, president of Wilhelmina models (you've seen him on ANTM) will be the main judge. [Page Six]
• Dr. Conrad Murray is blaming Michael Jackson on his inability to pay child support; the DA is calling bullshit on that. [TMZ]
• Dr. Arnold Klein has filed a creditors claim against the Michael Jackson estate, claiming he's owed $48,522.89 for services performed between March 23 2009 through June 22 2009 — just three days before Jackson's death. The services include Botox, acne surgery, Latisse, Restylane, and "nutritic lips." [TMZ]
• One of the services Dr. Klein provided is listed as "I.M. injection. A source says says "I.M. Injection" is commonly used as billing code for the narcotic Demerol. [TMZ]
• Michael Jackson was in negotiations to buy a $38 million Bel Air mansion right before he died; his kids had seen the house and loved it. [TMZ]
• U2 will play a free concert in Berlin — in front of the Brandenburg Gate — to celebrate 20 years since the fall of the Berlin wall. [USA Today]
• Idris Elba was on The Office for seven episodes, and is continuing to have a relationship with NBC: He will be the executive producer of an legal drama about a vigilante lawyer who uses "any means necessary." Malcom X, Attorney At Law? [Reuters]
• Spotted: Jane Lynch — aka Glee's Sue Sylvester — making out with a "gal pal" in NYC. [Page Six]
• Morrissey returned to the stage after collapsing at his last show and made jokes about feeling ill. [Mirror]
• Simon Cowell recommended that Gordon Ramsey get some cosmetic surgery. So he did. [NY Post]
• Lisa Niemi, Patrick Swayze's widow, spoke at a women's conference on grief yesterday, saying: "When the grief takes you, it's like your body is not your own. I'm just going with the flow. I know I have to go through it. I've spent two thirds of my life with him. ... My regret is that I didn't tell him that I loved him enough over that entire 34 years. I am so grateful for what I had and my connection to him, and part of me believes that I will see him again… and I'm just going to have to go on until then." [People]
• Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson had to finish taping his show by flashlight last night when high winds knocked out the power at a CBS studio. That's what they call dark comedy, ba dum bum. [AP]
• Precious star Gabourey Sidibe is in talks to appear in a Showtime series called The C Word, in which Laura Linney stars as a terminal cancer patient. Gabby would have a guest spot as a teen with a bad attitude. [Variety]
• At the link, Alicia Silverstone talks about her fave recipe, restaurant, cookbook and food destination. [The Daily Beast]
• Corey Feldman's wife has filed for divorce. They've been married seven years and have a five-year-old son together. He'll be expected to pay attorney fees and spousal support, so maybe we'll get Lost Boys 2: The Frog Brothers' Revenge. [TMZ]
• Magician David Copperfield's sexual assault lawsuit has been delayed for six months. [AP]
• As a kid, I loved Miami Vice, so it's cool to hear Philip Michael Thomas is out there doing something, even if it's hosting a fundraiser for Republican Whilly Bermudez's campaign for the Florida legislature. I guess. [UPI]
• Michael Madsen: Facing eviction. [TMZ]
• "'I Google all day long, because I'm an information freak. I'm always looking for information about something. I do believe that Google was invented for me personally. 'As for Googling myself, I did that once but I gave up. There were seven and a half million sites, so I went 'whoops.'" — Michael Caine. [Telegraph]
• "I won't even see scary movies. I've been in them, and then I've been like, 'Whoa, this is way too scary for me.' I guess I've held on to some of those little childhood moments - when you're in the dark and there's a rattle outside and you're thinking there's a monster under your bed." — Josh Lucas. [Gatecrasher]

• Mayumi Heene has admitted that the entire "Balloon Boy" story was a hoax. According to a recently released search warrant affidavit, "the motive for the fabricated story was to make the Heene family more marketable for future media interest." [Reuters]

• Heene also admitted that she and her husband, Richard "knew all along" that their youngest son, Falcon was hiding, and not in the balloon as they had led authorities to believe. All three children, she says, were instructed to lie. [NYDN]
• You can read the entire affidavit here.[The Coloradoan]
• A computer taken from one of the "Burglar Bunch" members who allegedly broke into Lindsay Lohan's apartment is filled with Google image searches for "Lindsay Lohan Blue Rolex" and "Lindsay Lohan Rolex." [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Paris Hilton visited the LAPD last night and retrieved most of her stolen property; Hilton had lost nearly $2 million in valuables to the ring of thieves targeting starlets' homes. [People]
• Lisa Rinna's former landlord says she owes "$635,083.73 in back rent and damages," on her former retail location, Belle Gray. Rinna, meanwhile, took to her Twitter page to announce that she had "a very different story. Let the games begin!" [E!]
• "It'd be nice to have a six-year-old and say, 'I have this film I made, you might quite like it'. Yeah, definitely that's on my mind."- Wes Anderson on his new film, The Fantastic Mr. Fox. [Guardian]
• Jon Gosselin still hasn't returned the money he withdrew from his joint account with Kate Gosselin. [People]
• "I've had many, many unrequited crushes. I knew this one guy's entire schedule my senior year of high school and would conveniently be outside his classrooms whenever class let out. But I was a goth kid and he was a soccer player, so he wasn't having it. He was just horrified by me."- Christina Hendricks [Advocate]
• Food Network star Sandra Lee says that Angelina Jolie used her "No-Bake Birthday Cake" recipe in August in order to create a birthday cake for her son, Maddox. "She's a very busy, overextended mother," says Lee, "I'm very proud not just that she made my cake but that someone of her stature isn't delegating these [tasks], like her children's birthday, to other people. I'm glad she loves the show and that the kids apparently also watch it too." Please let them get together for an episode! Angelina Jolie making dinners out of stuffing, salad dressing mix, and half a can of Miracle Whip would be the greatest hour of programming ever, no? [People]
• "I look at what happened to Michael Jackson and it's a case of 'there but for the grace of God go I.' Those painkillers! F***!'"-Ozzy Osbourne [DailyMail]
• Justin Timberlake has filed a restraining order against a woman named Karen McNeil, who already served a year in prison for violating several court orders issued to keep her away from Axl Rose [TMZ]
• Boy George says his time in prison was good for him: "I'm the happiest I've ever been." [TheSun]
• When Winona Ryder agreed to a low-budget film The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, she was seemingly unprepared for just how low-budget it would be: "Little did I know I would be in Danbury, Connecticut, without a rental car, living off a highway. I had to rely on Keanu, who had the car he drives in the film, to get me to Starbucks - that's how low-budget it was." [DailyExpress]
• Jennifer Lopez plans to debut her alter-ego character, "Lola" tonight. Hooray? [PageSix]
• Charlize Theron raised $140,000 at a recent charity auction by auctioning off a kiss to a female fan. [DailyExpress]
• "I still don't feel that John's fans are accepting me. I don't know who's really John's fans, and who's really John and Yoko fans. The Beatles fans, some of them really denounced John in a way. So I don't know who's who. So whenever I create something I never think about who's gonna listen to it. But then, I'm getting some beautiful letters. So they like the CD or something. It's really great, but I'm not gonna ask, ‘Are you a Beatles fan?'"-Yoko Ono [TimesOnline]
• "I knew going into Miss USA I was asked to be there because I am controversial and because I am qualified. I look at women in the spotlight every day. I know how a girl can successfully navigate that world."- Perez Hilton [LATimes]
• LaToya Jackson says that Michael's children are still grieving the loss of their father, and though all three are in therapy, Paris seems to be handling things a bit better than her brothers, Prince and Blanket: "Prince just doesn't want to speak about it. He won't even watch the DVDs – he just walks right past the TV. It's too soon, too touching. I do worry about him very much. And Blanket is just a very sad, shy little boy. He cries – he really does cry. It's so painful for him. No one can bring his daddy back and it hurts so much." [Mirror]
• Paul Heyman of ECW says that Rihanna's "Russian Roulette" cover art is a complete rip off of the wrestling organization's cover art for the compilation "ECW: Extreme Music." TheSun]
• Roseanne took to her blog to speak out against her ex-husband Tom Arnold for cracking jokes about the couple's relationship as it relates to the recent David Letterman scandal, as Tom keeps cracking jokes that he slept with his boss, which, according to Roseanne, is not the case: "I never had sex with an employee! Tom was first my boyfriend and then repeatedly asked me to create a job for him on my show, which I did," she writes, later concluding with, "Stop accusing me of breaking laws that I never would break. Having sex with your underlings is not allowed, unless you legally marry them. Otherwise it is creating a hostile work environment, where those who do not have sex with the boss do not get promoted. this is the law! stop setting me up for lawsuits with your careless lies!!! shut the fuck up about me you idiot!" [RoseanneWorld]

• Marisa Miller has earned the most coveted position of all the Victoria's Secret runway girls: Wearer Of The Diamond-Studded Bra. Her equipment costs $3 million. "It's surprisingly comfortable," says Miller. Sure looks it. [People]

• Sir Paul Smith would love it "if fashion shows died out completely." The 63-year-old British designer explains, shows are "pure, self-indulgent theatre. How many girls were there this year in horns or neck braces with bare breasts? It wouldn't matter if they didn't take it all so seriously, but the fashion world is a dangerous, superficial and fickle place." [Telegraph]
• Although the press sometimes jumps all over Anna Wintour for repeating her outfits, it's something she does all the time, and will continue to do, because who wears clothes once, for God's sake? "I usually wear the same dress twenty times. I think it's always fun to have something new, but it doesn't mean that everything you already have in your closet has to be thrown out, you know? Recycle." [The Cut]
• The USAToday and W did the hard work of "parsing" Amelia Earhart's style. You know her, she's that woman famous for...wearing pants. [USAToday]
• Donatella Versace tells a Vogue reader who says she would buy clothes in larger sizes, if Versace made them, that "I certainly wouldn't want to do a plus-size line, as I have no problem with women of any size wearing my clothes. I guess some styles lend themselves to being scaled up, while some others just don't work." Versace's own daughter, Allegra, has struggled with anorexia. [Style.com]
• Donatella hosted a party for the Whitney, and a lot of celebrities came. (Since when are Lindsay Lohan and Taylor Momsen "just-wanna-have-fun blondes"?) Also in attendance at what was, you know, an art benefit were Chuck Close and Ellsworth Kelly. [Style.com]
• Meanwhile, that equally tanned and fashionable Italian female, Gucci creative director Frida Giannini, is headed to Yonkers today to cut the ribbon with Mary J. Blige on something called the Mary J. Blige Center for Women. [P6]
• Somebody should tell Mark Ronson that what he has designed for Gucci is not in fact a sneaker, but a boat shoe. The eyelets give it away. [Hypebeast]
• Karl Lagerfeld is heading to Argentina. Lest you think it's to enjoy some steak and a nice Malbec, know this: "I only go to places if I have a professional reason. I'm not a tourist." He'll be shooting Freja Beha Erichsen, Baptiste GIabiconi, and Claudia Schiffer in the next Chanel campaign — what, no Lara Stone? — and researching a book about Argentine architecture. [WWD]
• London Fog's holiday ad campaign features Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. There's got to be a Mad Men joke here somewhere. [People]
• Meanwhile, John Galliano himself has revealed that the spring Dior campaign will star Karlie Kloss. [WWD]
• Grace Kelly and Cartier are each getting stars on the Walk of Style on Rodeo Drive in Los Angeles. [HoustonChronicle]
• Angelina Jolie is apparently in talks with Ridley Scott to star in a film about the 1995 murder of Maurizio Gucci. [Variety]
• Tom Ford, the man Maurizio had hired to revitalize the brand, says he will do women's wear again. Just as soon as he can get financing. [WWD]
• The Times' Critical Shopper, Cintra Wilson, went to Ann Taylor. She didn't expect to like it, but then: "Clothing companies, when they panic, tend to go rococo. They get flashier, busier and more disposable by slapping on bigger logos and more useless bows and frippery. Ann Taylor must be commended for choosing less clutter and better details that aren't always: the finished seams inside a little faille opera jacket; the velvet ribbon inside the waist of a peplum coat; the Italian three-season wool." [NYTimes]
• Iconix Brand Group, the company behind everything from Candie's to Badgley Mischka, has been fined $250,000 by the Federal Trade Commission for violating certain provisions of the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act when it collected information during some of its promotions last year. [Crain's]
• Burberry is suing the U.K.-based pet supply store Pets At Home for using a checked fabric the company says is too similar to its own. Pets At Home, which has 250 stores, has pulled the offending products, but the dispute is ongoing. Burberry creative director Christopher Bailey told the New Yorker earlier this year about suing a pet store that advertised a dog cushion "in the famous Burberry check." [Guardian]
• Maybe the answer is that Burberry should make like Mulberry, and do its own line of pet clothes. [FWD]
• More details about the city's planned fashion incubator in the garment district have emerged: New York will subsidize 12 slots in a 10,000 sq. ft. space, reducing the rent from $2,900 to $1,500 a month. The designers, who are being selected right now, will also have access to mentoring and support from the Council of Fashion Designers of America. It's not for students fresh out of school: every designer must have already been in business for at least a year, and employ a staff (even if that staff is volunteer). What a wonderful use for a vacant showroom floor. [NYTimes]
  
• Australian denim brand Ksubi is going to do a lower-priced line with the department store David Jones. And possibly another one with Topshop. [Sassybella]
• Anhropologie is extending its reach across the Atlantic. Its first European store opens on Friday in London. [WWD]

• Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise were surprise guests at a "massive" Scientology party in England last week.

Four thousand other Scientologists — including John Travolta and Kelly Preston — were part of a "rapturous, fist-pumping crowd." It was the 25th anniversary of the International Association of Scientologists. Fun? Oh, also: There were protesters outside, and Tom said: "They're squirrels. Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!" Wait, what? [Us Magazine]

• Speaking of Travolta: The extortion case has gone to the jury. [TMZ]
• This could be amazing: Ridley Scott is in talks with Angelina Jolie to play a femme fatale role in Gucci — a drama about murder and decadence in the Gucci fashion dynasty. In 1995, right before he was about to reestablish the brand by debuting Tom Ford's line, Maurizio, the grandson of founder Guccio Gucci, was gunned down in Milan. [Variety]
• I'm sure you'll find this simply shocking, but Gerard Butler has had a threesome in the past year. [The Sun]
• What's this? Renée Zellweger says she hasn't signed on for a third Bridget Jones flick?!?! "I get asked every single day, and I don't know anything," she says. "It's a rumor." [E!, Us]
• Halle Berry's daughter Nahla is learning to play golf. No, really: daddy Gabirel Aubry says: "She's learning to play golf. She has a little hole in the backyard." [People]
• Rumpus, a Great Dane who starred in three Lady Gaga music videos, was found dead after a hike in Los Angeles. [TMZ]
• Colin Farrell has a newborn son, his second child. [Independent]
• Heidi Montag didn't go to her sister Holly Montag's birthday party because no one was paying her an appearance fee. [Fox News]
• Poor Dave Chappelle was trying to set the Laugh Factory's endurance record for continuous stand up comedy, but five hours into his routine, he walked away to go to the bathroom. Disqualified! [USA Today]
• Boo. Mark Ronson will never work with Lily Allen again. Boo. [The Sun]
• A series of emails reveal that the Swiss Federal Office of Justice faxed the U.S. Office of International Affairs letting the Americans know about Roman Polanski's planned appearance in Zurich and asking if the US would be submitting a request for Polanski's arrest. [CBS News]
• Three New York prison officials have quit their jobs following a scandal involving rapper Foxy Brown; they reportedly let her do a photo shoot to promote her new album, despite the fact that she was behind bars. Investigators will try to reveal if she received preferential treatment. You think? [Contact Music]
• Gossip Girl paychecks: Blowing in the wind. [Page Six]
• Alec Baldwin's got jokes! Speaking at the Elle Women In Hollywood event, he said: "I want to assure you that I didn't steal this role from a more qualified woman. There was an audition process. The audition required me to move a couch, fall asleep in front of the TV, and open a particularly stubborn jar of pickles." And! ""If Tom Cruise would simply lower his quote by a mere $29 million, my salary would not make a difference. My annual salary is the budget for Altoids on one of Tom's movies." And! Renée Zellweger "is so tiny, but she's got a big voice. I've been to parties with her and you can hear her voice anywhere, but you can't understand a word she says." More at the link. [People]
• Mischa Barton is trying to trademark her name in Australia, but there's already a company called Mischa Accessories. What to do?!?! [News.com.au]
• Victoria Beckham will be a guest judge on So You Think You Can Dance — in the UK. Sorry 'Mericans. [Daily Mail]
• Viewers submitted almost 9,000 questions for Kate Gosselin to answer during her TLC one-hour special on Monday. Here's one more: When will you go away? [People]
• More on this in Midweek Madness, but Life & Style is proclaiming its latest issue (out today) a "Special Gosselin-Free Issue." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Guy Ritchie is a distant relative of King Edward 1, and when you look at a side by side comparison, there's a resemblance! The nose? And the jaw? [Daily Mail]
• Rob Burnett, executive producer of The Late Show with David Letterman, has replied to NOW, who called the workplace a "toxic environment." Burnett's letter reads: "As an employee of David Letterman's since 1985, I have personally found the work environment on his shows to be fair, professional and entirely merit-based at all times." He also points out that 58% of the Late Show staff are women. [LA Times]
• A fan approached Freida Pinto in London; Freida accidentally bumped into her; the woman stumbled and fell in front of a car; Freida rushed to make sure the woman was okay; everyone was fine and it was a happy ending caught on camera. [This Is London]
• Take a deep breath and relax: Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom's prenup is a done deal. [TMZ]
• OMG! Dancing With The Stars flu outbreak! Run for the hills! [People]
• Salman Rushdie is pissed that his ex-girlfriend said he was still obsessed with his ex-wife, Padma Lakshmi. He says: "I long ago turned the page and moved on." [Page Six]
• Glenn Beck travels with an armed guard. Even when he goes to the bathroom. [Page Six]
• "A strip club worker accused of beating to death the ex-fiance of a Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member has been freed on bond." [CBS News]
• At the link: James Gandolfini, Elaine Stritch and fat jokes. [Page Six]
• Blind items! "Which married music mogul is said to have impregnated an unmarried woman who works for his label in marketing? She's on maternity leave while he's mulling options. Which still gorgeous ex-supermodel doesn't use her own skin-care line, which she hawks on TV? She secretly uses Somme Institute's MDT5 regimen instead. Which son of a rock icon used his name to score six free tickets to a Broadway show, but then never showed up?" [Page Six]
• "The trouble is, before, I felt married to two people — Pete and our management." — Whatshername. [Daily Mail]
• "I wish to make it perfectly clear for the record that my manager, Claire Powell, who I have known for the past 16 years, is my manager and a personal friend. She has never betrayed me or done anything other than support me, which is more than can be said for my ex wife." — Whatshisname. [The Sun]
• "There were times when I thought that a whole bottle of pills would go down easy… Then I noticed the gun in my hand. I was careless with it… I kept my finger pressed right to that trigger … and if I moved that finger an inch in the right direction… I would have blown my brains out." — Hulk Hogan writes about his suicidal thoughts after his divorce in his new book. [Page Six, Gatecrasher]
• "I am an atheist. I have a very different take on who God is. Man invented God because he needed him. God is us." — 87-year-old Carl Reiner, who has two new books out. The story at the link details his fascinating life from a high schooler in New York to working in the garment industry to becoming a writer/director. [LA Times]
• "I know what they're eating and I know what they're doing. Their friends' parents understand their vegetarian and no-TV needs. I give them age-appropriate messages. It's just like most parents don't allow alcohol or cigarettes. I tell them that everyone does things differently and that's OK. It's very important to us to raise nonjudgmental children who don't go finger-wagging. When they're driving themselves around, they're going to make their own decisions, but fast food isn't something I'm gonna facilitate. Still, at some point they"re going to make their own decisions. You give your children wings so they can fly." — Mayim Bialik on raising her kids holistically and via "green mothering." [HuffPo]
• "I've offered to come on Saturday Night Live because I thought I would help them get the ratings. Because clearly that humor that they had when they first had Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi ... has gone (with) this (current) cast of characters. I thought I would show some benevolence as governor and help them out a little bit." — Governor David Paterson, who is often mocked on SNL for being blind. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I've written two autobiographies and posed for Playboy. I think I've pretty much been out there. But this is definitely the most exposed I've ever been." — Carnie Wilson on her hew reality series, Carnie Wilson: Unstapled, in which viewers will see her trying to take off about 50 pounds of "baby weight." [AP]
• "We've had a real good collaboration. Crucially, she approved me as director, and she didn't have to. We had some discussions that were very important — my convincing her that I didn't want to take her baby and run away with it, or tell a story that was counter to the spirit of what she was trying to tell. I see myself, in the last few movies I've done, as adapting literary properties into film, so that's how I treated this one. We got along like a house on fire." — Chris Weitz, who's directing New Moon, kept in contact with Twilight series author Stephenie Meyer. [Hollywood Reporter]
• "I like kissing women sometimes. Women are pretty. It doesn't mean I'm necessarily sleeping with them." — Adam "Glambert" Lambert, to Details. You saw the pix, right? [Page Six]
• "He was eating chips and dip and he was laughing so hard, he started choking. I thought I'd killed Tony Romo. Here it would be like killing David Beckham or Pele, it was a scary moment."— Jeremy Piven told a deadly joke. [Mirror]
• "We have found the quality of life so much more enriching and fulfilling. The civility, the culture, the people and its beauty have reawakened me and have smoothed out some of my bleak and jagged views about people and life." — Lisa Marie Presley, who had twins last year, has left L.A. for London. [Contact Music]
• "[Quitting the show] was a complete anomaly in my life and my career. I've never missed out on anything. I relished the opportunity to be on Broadway… It's the holy grail for people like me. But I was incredibly ill. The levels of mercury I had, they had no reference for them. I had to be retested three times. Sometimes when you work without stopping, your body gives in. That is what happened. I've done more movies than years I've been alive. All I've done is work… I arrived in Los Angeles in my early 20s and I've been pounding the pavement ever since. But it wasn't until Entourage that my work became accessible to so many people. If there's one thing I'm prepared for, it's rejection." — Jeremy Piven. [Guardian]
• "Sitting on an island smoking my first joint." — Tyler Perry, when asked where he would like to be in 10 years. [Page Six]
• "I told them, don't ask me to grow out my hair or lose any weight. I want to represent real women who have curves." — Amber Rose on signing with Ford Models. She did, however, agree not to get any more tattoos. [LA Times]

[Los Angeles, October 14. Images via x17.]

Us
"How I Survived Abuse."
The Mary Murphy cover story is about how she was married to this guy from 1978 to 1987 and he raped her, beat her and blamed her for having a miscarriage. Then she got into dancing and it saved her life. Next: Beyoncé called Lady Gaga and asked her if she wanted to be in a video shoot — with two hours notice— and Gaga said yes! Heidi Montag says she's gearing up for a second nose job after being elbowed in the face during a dance rehearsal. The Jackson Family is still shooting their A&E reality show — to air in December and MJ's kids will be included. Rebbie Jackson allegedly feels Michael would "spin in his grave" if he knew. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are secretly back on: A source says she just can't let go — and she's sad that her summer flings have moved on and Vince Vaughn has been on TV lately and so on. But John is so busy getting ready for a tour he can't even think about dating. Taylor Swift was seen in a "romantic embrace" with Taylor Lautner at one of her concerts. "But the Taylors' teenage hormones really took off at the after-party," the mag claims.
Grade: D- (slimy boiled okra)

OK!
"Inside Our Home."
Just so we're clear: At no point do Rob or Kristen utter the quotes on the cover like "Inside our home" or "we're already like a married couple." This is fanfic about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's "love nest" at the Vancouver Sheraton Wall Centre, where they supposedly share the entire 34th floor with adjoining 2-bedroom suites, and a third suite for guests. Rob and Kristen sleep in a king-size bed and microwave Rob's "beloved Hot Pockets" in one of three kitchens. And! "Their room contains no fewer than six natural gas fireplaces, in front of which Rob serenades Kristen with Van Morrison and John Lee Hooker tunes on one of his Gibson guitars, and Kristen reads aloud from the volume of Virgil's Doomed Love that he gave her this year." A "friend" says when they have a day off, they sleep and cuddle all day. One time after out running the paparazzi, they got into an elevator and, as the mag puts it, "then they ascended to their celestial nest and left the real world behind." Also, the picture of their "bedroom" in this story is directly from the hotel's website. Next: George Clooney is trying to quit boozing so he didn't invite Brad Pitt to Italy this summer — a "source" says "he didn't want to get sucked into an endless drinking session." Justin Timberlake is telling his inner circle that Jessica Biel has changed since they first met and he wants to see other women. But she refuses to let go! They're giving the romance another chance, because JT "doesn't want to go out like that" — looking like a cad. Moving on: Kourtney Kardashian is having a boy. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner — who met on the set of Valentine's Day — may be dating. They've been calling and texting "all the time." Apparently TL threatened to kick Kanye's butt and TS was touched. At the Gosselin Twins birthday party, the girls blew out candles and then told a camera crew member that their wish was for mommy and daddy to stop fighting. Sniff. Rihanna is "looking more fierce than ever." The secret behind her new confidence? She's finally stopped talking to Chris Brown.
Grade: F for false story, upgraded to D for entertainment value (old pumpkin turned into jack o' lantern)

In Touch
"At War With Tom."
Apparently Katie's parents came to visit. But it wasn't just a visit — it was a "crisis talk." They're not happy with Tom pressuring Katie to have another baby when she's not ready. Despite the tension, Tom and Katie are trying to keep Suri happy. Even though the mag claims TomKat is fighting over religion, Suri's already enrolled in Catholic pre-school. So whatever. Next: Lindsay Lohan may have tried to kill herself. Her rep denies the story, but Grazia reported she'd been rushed to the hospital at 8 in the morning with deep slash wounds on her right wrist. She'd been drinking and crying for hours. She allegedly told hospital staff she'd cut herself trying to open a bottle of wine. Michael Lohan tells the mag: "Look at Michael Jackson. I'm afraid she's headed down that path." Next there's a six-page story called "Why They Can't Stop Gaining," which includes Oprah, Kelly Clarkson, Jon Gosselin, Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline. Also inside: Jon Gosselin sucks because he pulled one of his daughters by the ponytail and yanked one of his son's arms. Then he promised Mady a laptop and Cara an ATV. A psychologist who does not treat Jon says, "You can't put a kid on an ATV." Did you know that Jesus gets an allowance? Madonna gives him about $10,000 a month to cover expenses. Nicole Kidman has "gone to far" with her "shockingly smooth skin." (See image 7).
Grade: D (mushy zucchini)

Life & Style
"Two More Babies On The Way!"
The Angie story is called "I WANT EVEN MORE BABIES!" She told the British magazine Stylist, "I can see further additions to the family — both adopted and our own." An insider says: "Some people get addicted to drugs and alcohol. Brad and Angie are addicted to children." The mag adds: "It's a dangerous addiction." Oh, and by the way: "Brad was smooth and youthful… before he started raising a family." (See image 8). Moving along: Kristin Davis says: "I'm 44 and I want a baby." As Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend, Georgina Baillie has a warning for Katy Perry: "I don't think he's capable of monogamy. I was part of his conveyor belt of women coming through his door. If you go to one of those famous bars or clubs in London, every second girl in there knows what Russell is like in bed, from personal experience. An ex who dated Brand before Georgina says: "It wouldn't be fair for me to call him a scumbag… He's just a boy." Couple name alert: Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are "Taylor Squared." Suri Cruise is "so grown up" with her lipstick, heels and Starbucks. One caption reads: "Lipstick on a 3-year-old? Suri looked like a teenager." Actually, she didn't. "America's Worst Dad" is all about Jon Gosselin. He's addicted to fame, he should grow up, and he needs to mediate with Kate, say "experts." Katherine Heigl's adopted baby Naleigh had two holes in her heart when she was born and open-heart surgery when she was 3 months old. Ben Affleck has been "chatty and flirty" with his costar Rebecca Hall on the set of his new movie The Town. And she looks just like Jennifer Garner (See image 9)! Lastly: Beyoncé and Lady Gaga will be in B's upcoming video, "Video Phone." Everything on the set was hush-hush, but this story informs us that Beyoncé wears a feathered dress, Gaga wears something wild, and the fashion is "sick and insane."
Grade: D+ (burnt squash)

Star
"Lindsay Hits Rock Bottom!"
This mag claims Lindsay Lohan collapsed on October 6 at a party thrown by Mario Testino. She fell into a "booze-filled tailspin" after learning that the Ungaro show was an "epic failure." While she was in Paris she was partying every single day and an insider says: "Lindsay is a wreck, a mess, a disaster. She's an obituary waiting to happen." (See image 10) At the party she read the Ungaro reviews and then had a meltdown. She was crying and shouting and later she passed out drunk and her friends got her out of the place. The mag says that when she drinks she "craves cocaine" immediately and "will go to any lengths to get it." Once she made a friend drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica just to get drugs and then snorted a line off the console of the car while the car was moving. A "friend" says Lindsay is taking Paxil, Xanax, Ativan, Valium and Adderall. "She'll just reach into her bag and take a handful without looking to see who they are." By the by, 15-year-old Ali Lohan partied alongside her sister in Paris. In addition, insiders say a year and a half ago, Lindsay started getting Botox on her forehead and between her eyebrows. A source says "her upper face is practically frozen. Plus she's addicted to lip fillers… I doubt she can feel her lips anymore." Someone else says: "Lindsay is afraid of being alone, so she ends up trolling restaurants in Hollywood that are open 24 hours, where lots of seedy people hang out. She ends inviting some of the lowlifes home." Her favorite pickup line is to tell guys she's not wearing any underwear. "Some of her hookups have already robbed her. She'll wake up and find stuff missing. Half the time she doesn't remember what she did. She could easily end up murdered." Also inside: Taylor Momsen's skirts get shorter and shorter. (See image 11.) As Patsy Stone once said: "One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the whole world's your gynecologist!" Whitney Port and Leonardo DiCaprio are dating. Blind item: "Which sweet starlet may be switching teams? Fed up with her baby daddy's drama, she recently confided to a friend that the ladies have been looking really good lately." Jessica Simpson had to rewrite her speech for a gala to benefit Operation Smile: She froze when the teleprompter started and complained that she couldn't even pronounce half the words. Chris Brown wants to keep the orange vest from his community service — as a reminder of how awful things can get if he flips out again. Khloe and Lamar: "It's over already." They had a fight when he got back late from a game and Khloe asked for a back massage. He refused and said she should give him a massage after playing a tough game. They argued; she slept in another room that night, and the next night he went out and flirted with other girls. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are back on. Jon Gosselin wants to hook up with Kate's best friend, Jamie Cole Ayres. They've always had a secret attraction and now have been sending sexy texts! David Letterman's wife, Regina Lasko, has locked Dave out of their $5 million mansion and he's been sleeping at his apartment in Tribeca. She's not letting him see their son Harry, either. He's been sending jewelry and flowers, but it's not working. Brad and Angelina have "given up" disciplining their kids; they're not into yelling at them or something. The kids have dinner around 11pm — a "smorgasboard of snacks." There's no set bedtime of when to sleep or where to lay their heads. The kids sleep in Brad and Angie's bed and wear whatever they want. "Sometimes Zahara falls asleep in her Sleeping Beauty dress, which has permanent chocolate milk stains on it." Pax and Maddox are raising a child army: They shoot paint guns in the house, fire plastic arrows at the nanny, and have enlisted Shiloh and Zahara to join their ranks. Oh, and Maddox wanted to pierce Vivienne's ears himself, with a pin, but Angie decided to have it done professionally.
Grade: B+ (sauteed spinach)

(click "full size" to enlarge)

• Penelope Cruz, who is rumored to be engaged to Javier Bardem, showed up to the premiere of Pedro Almódovar's Broken Embraces in New York on Sunday with a knuckle-sized sapphire surrounded by small diamonds on her ring finger. [People]

• Is Madonna trying to get into a Pedro Almodóvar film? They were spotted having dinner together. [N.Y. Magazine]
• Al Pacino says, "At 20, I lived in Sicily by selling the only asset I had - my body. An older woman traded food and housing in return for sex. I woke mornings not really loving myself." [Daily Express]
• A source close to Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston insists, "Angelina really couldn't care less," about their "feud". "And Jennifer really has moved on. I promise you this." [E!]
• Michael Lohan visited Jon Gosselin at his Pennslyvania home today and played with Jon's kids. [TMZ]
• Jon Gosselin's lawyer, Mark Heller, who has been suspended by the New York State Bar, asked lawyer Michael Marino to sponsor him so he could get permission to represent Jon in Pennsylvania. Marino has withdrawn his sponsorship and says he only agreed at first because the Gosselins, "Didn't mean anything to me. I thought it was some simple divorce case where some lawyer wanted to be introduced to the court... I don't watch that kind of junk on TV. It was so insignificant to me." [TMZ]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin will head to court tomorrow to meet with an arbitrator to work out their money dispute. [People]
• Ugh. The cover of Star last week declared that Tori Spelling only weighs 95 lbs so she Tweeted: "come 2 my house&weigh me Star! I'm 107lbs." Now the mag writes: "As for Tori's challenge to come to her house and weigh her, we've accepted it - twice! - and we're waiting to hear back from her to name the time/date." [Star]
• Paula Anka says that "This Is It" is a rip off of a song he wrote and recorded with Michael Jackson in 1983. He claims that MJ stole the tapes and his vocal track is used in "This Is It." Anka gave his song to Safire, who recorded it in 1990. You can compare at them here: [TMZ]
• Mischa Barton says she's looking to get back to work now that The Beautiful Life has been cancelled. "There's a bunch of projects I always wanted to make, so I'm going back to thinking about things again," she said. "I just started looking at films." [Access Hollywood]
• Roman Polanski's lawyer said, "The filmmaker is very touched by the support he has received... He also knows that some of it is counter-productive." [AFP]
• Taping of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion special has been postponed to give the cast time to deal with the death of Kandi Burruss' former fiancé, Ashley "A.J." Jewell. [CNN]
• Just so you know, Bruce Jenner thinks President Obama did "absolutely nothing" to deserve his Nobel Prize. He said this while pumping gas. [TMZ]
• Courtney Love has left Twitter, but, unlike Miley Cyrus she has a good reason. She is being sued by fashion designer Dawn Simorangkir for her defamatory Tweets. [Perez Hilton]
• Bruce Vilanch's assistant, Seth Apper, has been arrested for selling coke. [Village Voice]
• Why won't people leave Jessica Simpson alone? She Tweets: "People have been contacting my family and friends saying that Daisy has been found. Untrue. People are so cruel. Please respect her memory." [People]
• Orlando Bloom has been named UNICEF's Goodwill Ambassador. He plans to focus on advocating for needy children. [AP]
• Bill Hader's wife Maggie Carey gave birth to their first child, Hannah Kathryn Hader, on October 6. [People]
• Can the ridiculously dapper Jon Hamm make David Letterman seem a little less sleazy? Check out this video to find out: [ONTD]
• Shauna Sand is fighting Vivid Entertainment because the porn company plans to distribute a sex tape featuring Sand and her boyfriend. She says: "Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I've made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn't sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now." [TMZ]
• Lorenzo Lamas screamed at Shauna Sand, the mother of his three young daughters, when he learned of the sex tape. She was worried he would sue for full custody, but to prove to her that he wouldn't he wrote the following on a piece of paper: I, Lorenzo Lamas, will not seek custody of my minor children with Shauna Sand. Even in the event of a release of a sex tape with her and her boyfriend." [TMZ]
• In her memoir The Trump Card, Playing To Win In Work And Life, Ivanka Trump writes: "My parents have both led nontraditional lifestyle – but they have extremely traditional relationships with their children... They might have taken me to boxing matches or trips around the word but at the end of the day they were always my parents, not my best friends." [People]
• Sharon Stone hasn't been acting that much and she's been filling her free time with gardening. She says: "What I am finding is that when you start to really clear old, dead things and really take that time to take away the old stuff and organize a garden and clear out and get in the dirt and weed things out and then see the new stuff that's coming up and move things around, this time that you take that actually takes some labor and is meditative and organized with nature, you can get yourself in a harmonious place." [N.Y. Magazine]
• "I'm a single mother with no child support. I have to work. I also happen to love what I do and think it's a good example for kids to see their mother working. My son always says to me, 'Mommy, why do you have to go to work?' and I tell him, 'I have to be able to buy the toys.' He totally gets it." — Kelly Rutherford [L.A. Times]