[New York, December 20. Image via INFDaily.]

To stop and think for a second, it's amazing that the Jolie-Pitt-Aniston love triangle has continued to dominate tabloid covers for this long. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were wed in 2000, and divorced in October of 2005. Clearly, tongues were going to wag when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie first appeared publicly - in November of 2005. But we are closing out the decade and this war is still raging four years later? Why did this particular celebrity break up garner such lasting attention?

I've wondered about this off and on, just about every time I pass a newsstand with yet another Brad-Jen-Angelina text message scandal screaming at me as I'm looking for a yoga magazine. No one is running down Halle Berry for quotes about Eric Benet's new lover, or pushing weekly covers featuring pouty pictures of Jessica Biel juxtaposed with Rihanna. So why does this particular scandal have such staying power? I have an idea:

Let's call it the Betty/Veronica complex. In the popular Archie comics, Betty and Veronica were in constant competition over goofy-ass title character Archie. The series made headlines earlier in the year by insinuating Archie was actually going to propose to rich and sexy Veronica - making blond girl next door Betty the loser after a 65 year fight. The fans revolted.

When the news broke about the end of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's marriage, fans mourned. When they heard about him taking up with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston fans were pissed for her, with one fanatic going as far as donning a "Friends" tee-shirt and trying to smack Jolie at a restaurant for "home-wrecking."

What could possibly provoke these fans (mostly women) into pledging undying loyalty to "Team Angelina" or "Team Jen" when they don't even know these people?

A possible answer came from Rashida Jones, who mentioned in her Vanity Fair interview about empathizing with the Bettys of the world over the Veronicas:

I was definitely a Betty for the majority of my life. Veronica was a little too snooty for me. Also, she was super popular, and I just couldn't relate to that. I was well-liked among my high school peers but I wasn't popular. It wasn't like the guys were drooling all over me.

This goes a bit deeper than the blondes versus brunettes debate we covered earlier in the year. People are projecting attitudes onto Jolie and Aniston that are representative of a type of person. The non-conflict mirrors a different kind of dynamic - the sexual vs. the innocent, the popular girl vs. the plain jane. It comes in various incarnations (see: Ginger and Mary Anne on Gilligan's Island) but the dynamic works because many people are willing to place themselves in the overly represented shoes of one archetype or another.

The Archie feud hasn't ended - in true comics fashion, Archie's choice was one scenario out of a few possibles that ended back where he started. But, according to tabloid fantasy land, there can only be one solution to the Aniston-Pitt-Jolie fight (and only one solution that will keep the cash cow flowing). The love triangle will be solved...but only if Brad, Jen, and Angie unite to get Jen a baby. The sweet love of a child will wash away all the remaining competition. Or not.

Angelina Jolie Almost Slapped by A Jennifer Aniston Fan [Softpedia]
Rashida Jones is All About Hot Chicks Kicking Ass! [Vanity Fair]

Earlier: Does Archie's Proposal To Veronica Settle The Blondes Vs. Brunettes Debate?
Her Life In Comics: Rashida Jones Makes A Frenemy

In the fall OK!, the runt of the tabloid litter, decided to cash in on the anticipation for New Moon with full month of fake Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson covers. Basically an OK! scribe sat up all night with copies of the Twilight books and theorized that, to quote the September 2 issue, "Life might just imitate art." Though, the Twilight twosome aren't actually engaged or married, and we're pretty sure Kristen doesn't "read aloud from the volume of Virgil's Doomed Love that [Rob] gave her this year."

At one point, the mag actually declared "each stage of the twosome's love story mirrors Stephenie Meyer's cult vampire saga." A joke about Robert Pattinson delivering Kristen Stewart's vampire baby would be appropriate here, but OK! already told fans they should be on a "bump watch" because Kristen may soon be delivering a baby which, if all goes according to plan, will be named "Clules Pattinson."

KStew and RPatz weren't the only celebs to tie the knot (in the minds of tabloid editors). Jason Trawick proposed to Britney Spears in the Bahamas with a ring he bought in the gift shop of the Atlantis Resort & Casino. (If anyone can appreciate a glittery plastic ring with dolphins on it, it's Britney.) The mag said the wedding would take place this month in Louisiana, with Jamie Lynn as Brit's maid of honor and her boys as ring bearers. Britney and Jason better get cracking — they only have two more weeks to throw together their "old-fashioned Southern wedding." Hey, maybe they can get Reverend Sun Myoung Moon of South Korea to perform the ceremony over the internet, just like he did for Nicole Richie and Joel Madden!

Truthfully, living room nuptials were not what we dreamed of for Nicole and Joel, but at least their wedding was better than Chris Brown and Rihanna's sexy domestic violence-themed wedding. Yes, Star actually tried to make Chris assaulting Rihanna sound romantic with lines like, "He tenderly wiped [her tears] away and kissed her face, which was still slightly bruised. He just kept whispering, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.'" Thank god their beach wedding only took place in the pages of Star.

Several stars walked past the newsstands this year and were surprised to learn that their marriages were crumbling. The only source in this story about Sarah and Todd Palin's divorce was Mercede Johnston, Levi's 17-year-old sister. After all, who understands the inner workings of their marriage better than the teenage sister of their daughter's ex-boyfriend?

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick split too, and James "Wilke" (whose name is actually spelled "Wilkie") was caught in the middle... right between his two new baby sisters.

But, no one split more this year than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. It seems Brad has only one method of transportation: storming off. While regular men might ride their motorcycle or go to their movie premiere, Brad can only "storm off" on his bike or "storm off" to the San Sebastian International Film Festival.

This year Brangelina started living in opposite ends of their French mansion, because it wasn't enough to just sleep in different bedrooms. There was one good thing that came out of their sparring. In Touch claims that Brad and Angie felt so guilty about their "crumbling relationship" that they spoiled the kids with theme days. All the Jolie-Pitts would dress up as characters from movies or books like James Bond or Harry Potter. We could probably tolerate Brangie's bickering if we got to have a "Wizard Day" with Maddox, Pax, Zahara, and Shiloh involving "magic potion punch to drink, and they had to solve clues to go to wizard college."

The only person Brad could vent to about he and Angelina's various "fights to end all fights" was, of course, the woman he humiliated and left for Angie. Jennifer Aniston had plenty of time to devote to Brad, since all she's done in the past five years is sit around and think about how she's "so lonely." Brad and Jen kept their love alive via text messages and drunk dials this year, and even managed to sneak past the paparazzi on numerous occasions to hook up in hotels or just take a leisurely two hour drive around New York City. Mostly they talked about what a handful Angie is, but Brad also provided beauty advice. Jen was thinking about cutting her hair, but a "friend" told In Touch, "He talked her out of it. He told her to just trim it and go blonder."

Of course, Brad and Jen also talked about her becoming a "mom at last," which is particularly creepy when you recall that they split because they couldn't agree on whether or not to have kids (or so the tabloids claimed at the time). Jen was desperate to get pregnant because she was turned 40 this year, so she tried get every man she came in contact with to be her baby daddy. Apparently she couldn't convince John Mayer or Gerard Butler to spawn with her, because Star reported in April that she had completed paperwork (with Brad's help) to adopt an American baby boy that she would name Nicholas John. Fickle Jen must have changed her mind about little Nick at the last minute, since Star reported in December that she was adopting a Mexican toddler (with Brad's help).

Clearly, the only way for Angie to win Brad back from Jen was to get pregnant with (or perhaps adopt) her 7th child. After all, a man can walk out on six kids, but not seven. Star reported that Angie was two and a half months along on April 15, so we must have missed when she gave birth in late October. We'll have to keep our eyes peeled for the arrival of the other 7th baby she's currently pregnant with and the African and/or Eastern European baby she's adopting.

Sometimes it's just so hard to keep tabs on all the famous uteri, especially when the mags keep forgetting to write the word "someday" and the end of those coverlines about celebs who see babies in their future. Also, let's just make a rule that no female star is allowed to touch her belly and smile coyly ever again.

We got so wrapped up in the goings on in Katie's uterus that we almost forgot about the biggest pregnancy news of the year: White. House. Baby. In this inauguration story, Star claimed that 45-year-old Michelle Obama, who had difficulty conceiving Malia, decided to give in vitro a go because she and Barack had nothing else going on in 2009. If the procedure didn't work, they planned to adopt a learning-disabled child, or perhaps an African-American boy that Barack could "play hoops with." Unless they've cleverly disguised their adopted son in a Portuguese Water Dog costume, this never happened.

Looking back, we've had a lot of fun with the tabloids this year, from stories about Jessica Simpson keeping a framed picture of Tiger Woods in her bedroom, to Suri and Shiloh's 100% Photoshopped playdate. Who knows what the stars will do in 2010, or rather, what adventures the tabloids will concoct? Jennifer Aniston could adopt a brood of Bolivian orphans, Britney could get pregnant with sextuplets, or Michelle Obama could start sexting Brad Pitt. Think about what stories you'd like to see, because, as we've learned from the editors of Star, Us, In Touch, Life & Style, and OK!, the only limit is your imagination.

• Blake Fielder-Civil claims that he and his ex-wife of four months, Amy Winehouse, are back together and engaged once again. "This time we're doing things properly and hopefully that will help our families both come round to the idea. [DailyMail]

• However, Fielder-Civil admits that Winehouse's father, Mitch, might not be thrilled with the idea of the couple's reunion: "Mitch controls most of Amy's life," he says, "I'm fed up with people trying to tear us apart. The only reason me and Amy want to be together is because we love each other." [a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1237098/Amy-Winehouse-engaged-ex-husband-Blake-Fielder-Civil.html?ITO=1490&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+dailymail%2Ftvshowbiz+(TV+%26+Showbiz+|+Mail+Online)#ixzz0a99AdXKt">DailyMail]
• And he's not wrong—as Mitch Winehouse tells the Times of London: that he thinks Fielder-Civil's family sees Amy as "a fantastic opportunity" and that he hopes Fielder-Civil is out of her life: "It will be a disaster if he's not out of the picture." [TimesOnline]
• Sarah Jessica Parker is working on a "genderless perfume," and she apparently hopes it smells a bit like body odor: "It has taken me three years to decide on the scent because I really like B.O. and I think it's sexy," she says, "I wanted to figure out a way to make it palatable to everybody. I was like, 'How do you get B.O. in a bottle and make an atomiser of it?" [DailyExpress]
• Todd Phillips, director of The Hangover, says he wants Tiger Woods to make an appearance in the film's upcoming sequel: "Mike (Tyson) loved doing The Hangover because he loved f**king with the image people had of him," Phillips says, "He knew we were not making fun of him but of the image people projected on him." [DailyExpress]
• "Women who turn to cosmetic procedures look ghastly. They don't look like themselves. I quite like the way I look, I'm quite happy with the way I look and I really don't want to change it. In front of the camera it (my skin) probably isn't nearly as good as it used to be. But, I mean, what the hell, everybody's got to get older."- Joan Collins [DailyMail]
• Lindsay Lohan and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted "socializing" again last night, showing up to the same nightclub, and later, the same Christmas party, but leaving both separately. [DailyMail]
• Meanwhile, Jude Law and Sienna Miller have been spotted all over New York City together and are apparently very much on-again. ""They spend every night in the same place together, either his place or her apartment," says a source. [NYPost]
• Charlize Theron debuted her line of Tom's Shoes yesterday: the proceeds from sales of the shoes will go to her foundation, which "is dedicated to improving the health, education, and social development of high school children in the country." [DailyExpress]
• Rachel McAdams attempted to win the cast and crew of Sherlock Holmes over with a slightly weird gift: "I had no time and it was right before work and it was our last day," she says, "so I went in and I was looking around... and then I get to the counter and there are these chocolates, and I was like, 'Oh, those are so cute; they look like little kisses... or bumholes. They're cute little chocolate bumholes!' There was, like, dark chocolate and milk chocolate and white chocolate and I bought all of them... (but) no one ate the buttholes." [DailyExpress]
• Star Trek's Patrick Stewart is set to be knighted by the Queen. [Mirror]
• Former porn star Tera Patrick split with her husband, Evan Seinfeld, after he refused to stop starring in porn himself: "I said to Evan, 'I'm your wife, and that is the strongest bond two people should have, and that should come first. I've moved on from porn. And I want you to stop. You promised me you'd only do porn for a few years. Your few years are up.' " [PageSix]
• Leann Rimes' estranged husband, Dean Sheremet, has officially filed divorce papers. The couple, who have been together since February 2002, have apparently been working on the divorce since September. [Yahoo]
• And in other divorce news: Ivana Trump has announced that she's divorcing her fourth husband, Rossano Rubicondi. [ET]
• Joey Fatone and his wife, Kelly Baldwin, are expecting their second child early next month. [DailyExpress]
• Zoe Saldana says actresses like Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry have opened doors: "Before them, women were just sex pots or mothers. They were never the heroes who saved the day. They've enabled a generation of actresses to have a bigger variety of roles. If I wanted to be part of a story that is amazing and had a lot of sexual openness, that's fine. But I am so grateful to know that, like them, I can open different doors for women." [ShowbizSpy]
• Lil' Wayne was questioned and released last night after U.S. Border Patrol agents found marijuana on two of his tour buses. [Yahoo]
• "Young actresses today don't eat enough. I meet them for lunch, we sit down at the table, they look around and they say, 'Oh, but everything is so good, everything looks wonderful.' And then they eat just a bite of this and a bite of that. They never finish their food, never. I am the only one eating at the table! I get very upset by this. I worry about them because every woman is motherly, no? I tell them to eat more because I worry they will starve to death."-Sophia Loren [DailyMail]
• Michael Jackson's Captain EO is set to return to Disneyland in February. [Yahoo]
• "I like to shop with girls. Buying them shoes, being spoiled by the girls in Chanel when they try things on - I love it."-Hugh Grant, making someone's romantic comedy dreams come true. [ShowbizSpy]
• "Post-feminism has been really confusing. It influenced so many women to leave a lot of their feminine qualities behind and assume the business suit. That's why [Sex and the City] captured so many women's imaginations. It's truthful and it's real and it's now; it's not dated, and it keeps evolving. These four women really make up one complete woman."-Kim Cattrall [WSJ]

Ok!
Kendra was pregnant, and now she's given birth. Margaret says, "her baby is pretty cute, but I still don't care." The mag asks her how she'll lose the 55 lbs. she put on during the pregnancy, and she says she'll do martial arts, swimming and squats. "It's time to get my butt back into shape." Whatever. Also inside: A source says since things got serious between Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan in November, she's telling friends that she wants to have his children. Billy is "very caught up in Jessica's mystique" and believes it's a relationship worth pursuing. Lastly: Lindsay Lohan was asked about the Gucci model she's supposedly dating, and proclaimed: "it's lame b.s."
Grade: F (flight cancelled)

In Touch
"Melissa Says 'I Do.'"
If you have the devotion required to read this eight-page article about the wedding of former The Bachelor contestant Melissa Rycroft, we salute you. Because we could only glance at all of the mind-numbing details. We do know that at the end of the ceremony, the bride and groom walked away from the altar to an instrumental version of the Monday Night Football theme song. Moving on: Madonna bought a $10 million 30-acre farm in the Hamptons. Jessica Simpson's "dangerous" new romance with Billy Corgan is covered thusly: "Jessica Simpson has always been a bit misguided when it comes to love. So when she was spotted walking out of the Ritz-Carlton in New York on December 4 with 42-year-old Smashing Pumpkins singer Billy Corgan, the world responded with a bemused 'WTF?'" An insider says they are not exclusive. They seem to have little in common, but they're both religious. Billy's "friend" tells the magazine that he's using the relationship to promote his new album. His ex-girlfriend, Tila Tequila, says: "I think Jessica Simpson is a waste of space. She can't even put two and two together. She doesn't show any female empowerment. She gets screwed over by her ex-boyfriends because she is all clingy. She should stop being so weak and stand up for yourself." In an interview, Tiger Woods' high school girlfriend says he broke her heart by dumping her via letter and writing that his parents were making him concentrate on his career. Next: A story called "Angelina's Desperate To Keep Brad" uses happy pictures from the Unicef Snowflake ball to illustrate how Angie is possessively clutching at Brad (see image 7). So a picture of her playfully grabbing his jacket becomes "she is trying to hold on to him for dear life." Angie wanted everyone to see how happy they were, but, according to the mag, "onlookers saw right through the Oscar-winning actress's transparent performance." Brad is smiling in every picture, yet the mag claims "Brad seemed visibly annoyed" by her "over-the-top antics." Body language expert Dr. Lillian Glass says: "His sad, non-smiling eyes and lack of a genuine smile also indicate his unhappiness." Brad took pictures with George Clooney and Matt Damon, and Angelina jumped into some of the pix, so the mag claims: "Brad wanted photos of him and his boys together. But Angelina insisted on inserting herself into them. It was obvious she was seeking attention." The lesson here is that Brad should learn to smize and Angelina should be a wallflower. Next, Gia, who's mom is Teresa from RHONJ, has a two-page spread of her closet (like mom did) and as for Jacqueline from RHONJ, "her son can rock any look." (See images 8 and 9.) Hey! Look who was quoted regarding that Sex And The City Photoshop Of Horrors on page 58! (See image 10)
Grade: D-, downgraded to F for irrelvant cover (flight delayed 6 hours)

Life & Style
"Baby Joy!"
An insider claims that Angelina decided, about four months ago, that she wanted to get pregnant again. "She basically told Brad that if it happens, it happens, and she wasn't going to concern herself with birth control. Angie's most at peace when a baby's coming." Nowhere does it say that she's actually pregnant, even though the cover claims "baby no. 7 is on its way." So "on its way" must mean "twinkle in the eye." Don't be fooled: the other two baby "exclusives" are old quotes from Kendra and Kourtney and no photos of their newborns. Moving on: Kate Gosselin's BFF Jamie says that at night when the kids are in bed, Kate is lonely. "That's when she calls and we chat. It gets lonely when you're the only adult." Oh, and Kate hasn't had sex in a year. Oh, and here's a picture of Jon eating Panda Express alone in a mall somewhere, which is sad and also HILARIOUS. Next, we present image 11 WITHOUT COMMENT. Famed fling Jamie Jungers spoke to the mag and says Tiger Woods is '"well endowed — above average. I would rate him an 8 out of 10 in bed. He used to call me 'Jamie Juices' or 'my little coffee cup.' We never used protection. We just got caught up in the moment. We didn't discuss it." FYI: Billy Corgan calls himself a "wrestlemaniac." Ooh, the mag casts the movie of Tiger Woods' life, starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Lindsay Lohan, Reese Witherspoon and more! (see image 12). You know how they're filming Sex And The City in Morocco? Well John Corbett was there. Spoiler! Aidan's back. Apparently European tabloids are reporting that George Clooney's gf, Elisabetta Canalis, was "getting cozy" with Dutch soccer star Clarence Seedorf over Thanksgiving weekend, but Cloons and the Italian chick are "solid as ever." Finally: "Mother-Daughter Plastic Surgery Brought Us Closer" is about Lynne Curtin from RHOOC getting a facelift on the same day that her daughter got a nose job. Lynne says "it was a total mother-daughter experience."
Grade: D- (flight delayed 2 hours)

Us
"Split! Why Reese Left Him"
Basically Reese and Jake had a "civil and measured" breakup. She felt pressured to wed again, but she wasn't ready, says a source: "She decided to walk away rather than walk down the aisle." The breakup transpired "over a series of phone calls." She couldn't commit, and even last year, she told Parade: "I'm not far enough out of being married to do it again." Also, when she was giving all of her energy to Jake, she felt like she wasn't giving her kids enough. She's "a Sunday-school teaching, take-charge personality" who "wants things the way she wants them"; while Jake is "really laid back." Moving on: A picture of Lindsay Lohan in India, holding a child! (See image 13.) Rihanna has a new tattoo on her chest, which says: "Never a failure, always a lesson" backwards, so she can see it in the mirror. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planing a "hush-hush" wedding in Spain before the new year; the bride will wear Balenciaga. Finally: A "source" says of the Jessica Simpson/Billy Corgan relationship: "She likes weirdos and anybody who's a 'real' musician. He's smart and intense, so she likes that. But they have practically nothing in common."
Grade: D- (flight delayed one hour)

Star
"Tiger & Jessica: The Shocking Inside Story."
Jessica Simpson attended a golf event with Tony Romo on July 1, so she met Tiger Woods. A "friend" says she'd actually met Tiger before, and thought he was really sexy. She was excited to see him again and "packed a bunch of slinky outfits so he'd notice her." Tiger liked what he saw and they were "touchy feely" and flirty! Jessica asked Tiger, "coyly," if he was available for private golf lessons and he slipped her his cell phone number. And she gave him her number. And what happened next was NOTHING. She's a good girl whose daddy was a preacher and would never date a married man, etc. etc. etc. But: She has a framed photo of her and Tiger (and Tony) in her bedroom. Moving on: Angelina smiled at Brad at the Unicef party and the smile "was the same one she'd given him" when she was pregnant before. So clearly she is pregnant now. A family insider says: "Angie hasn't been this happy in months." She's constantly laughing and chatty and "this is exactly like she was when she was pregnant with Shiloh and the twins." The insider adds: "She's got her pregnancy personality back." Brad Pitt walked her to the ladies room, and waited outside for her — and when they sat together, he stroked her hair. So: Pregnant. Leading body language expert Patti Wood says: "We rarely see photos of Angelina smiling like this. When you are joyful, your facial muscles go up, indicating a state of euphoria — which is exactly how she could feel if she's expecting again." Um, did she just explain what a SMILE is?!?! Recently, Star reported that the coupe had the fight to end all fights. But NOW Brad seems committed to being by Angie's side. Because you can leave six kids, but you can't leave seven. Next: Taylor Momsen was fired from Gossip Girl because they were sick of her late nights and unprofessional behavior. But she is telling people she is leaving for other acting gigs, and music. Her rep says she is NOT fired, but we'll see. Is Robert Pattinson the new James Dean? (see image 14) Rihanna called a friend and said she had a "sexy secret." She said: "Don't trip, but I hooked up with Justin." It was "good — hot and wild" and they had some of the best makeout sessions she's ever experienced. Justin's been calling her nonstop, but Rihanna says it's just for fun. "She's only out for the physical with him," says a source. "And she got it." HOT. Blind item! "Which fading reality starlet recently pulled a Britney? She shaved her head and was involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital in early December, but cameras missed the whole thing." Drew Barrymore and Justin Long were walking in NYC and it was really cold, and she asked if she could borrow his coat, and he was like, "No way, I'm freezing too." At the Gossip Girl Christmas party, Kelly Rutherford, 41, lured 24-year-old Chace Crawford away from doing Don Julio tequila shots with Ed Westwick and went into "full-on cougar mode." "They were getting kind of saucy." Lastly: A male model and aspiring rapper named Michael Girgenti, whose stage name is Primo Stallone, claims that he is the father of Kourtney Kardashian's baby. He also says he has "private kinky pictures" of himself and Kourtney, and when asked if there was a possibility that he had fathered Kourtney's baby, Michael said: "You could say that. Yeah." Apparently Kourtney didn't even know who the father was but her mom, Kris, told her to say publicly that it was her ex, Scott Disick.
Grade: D (turbulent flight)

1. Jennifer Aniston/2. Brad Pitt, Y2K: When this picture was taken in February of 2000, Pitt and Aniston had been dating for roughly two years. Just a few months later, the two were married, a union that lasted until 2005, when the couple split and Pitt moved on to Angelina Jolie. The story was a tabloid dream come true, with lurid tales of Pitt, Jolie, and Aniston creating a soap opera storyline that's still being played out, nearly 5 years later: just this week, Star Magazine ran a cover declaring that Jennifer Aniston was finally ready for baby..."with Brad's help!"


3. Angelina Jolie, Y2K: But the Brangelina storm hadn't swept through Jolie's life in 2000; at that point, she was married to Billy Bob Thornton, and delighting/horrifying the press with tales of their torrid love affair. Jolie claimed that she wore a vial of Thornton's blood around her neck, and the two weren't shy about discussing their sex life on the red carpet. By 2002, Jolie had adopted her first child, Maddox, and by 2003, Thornton and Jolie had divorced.


Jennifer Aniston, 2009: Aniston has spent the better part of the decade living in the tabloids; after Friends went off the air in 2004, she segued into a movie career, though the public seemed more interested in the scandal surrounding her divorce from Pitt. She has been painted as "lonely" and "desperate" by many a tabloid magazine, even though she's dated several famous men, including John Mayer and Vince Vaughn. Though the Brangelaniston blitz shows no signs of slowing, Aniston continues to make films and most likely hopes that the world moves past her 5-year-old divorce as we enter a new decade.


Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie, 2009: Jolie and Pitt, arguably the world's most famous couple, have gone on to have three biological children together; Pitt has also adopted Jolie's adopted children, and all of their children share the surname "Jolie-Pitt." The couple have devoted much of their energy to charity work through their Jolie/Pitt Foundation. and, like Aniston, I assume, to trying to break out of the Brangelina media blitz. Jolie, who 10 years ago spent time discussing the vials of blood around her neck, has since become a UN Goodwill Ambassador and is well-known for her humanitarian efforts.


4. Britney Spears, Y2K: Britney was on top of the world in 2000, riding the success of her second album, Oops...I Did It Again. In 2001, she performed her now-infamous "I'm A Slave 4U" dance at the MTV Video Music Awards, snake, see-thru bodysuit, and all, but things started to come off the rails in 2002, when her relationship with Justin Timberlake came to an end. Timberlake's solo career skyrocketed with songs about how Britney did him wrong, and Spears' career, and carefully marketed sexy virgin image, began to crumble.


In 2004, Spears married Kevin Federline (it was technically her first marriage, after an ill-advised 24 hour marriage to a childhood friend in Vegas). The marriage would produce two sons for Spears, Sean Preston and Jayden James, but it would also produce a number of disturbing problems.


By 2008, Spears and Federline had divorced, and Spears' erratic behavior had cost her custody of her two children. She spent most of her time in court or driving around Los Angeles, wearing wigs and stopping at gas stations and Starbucks shops. Spears' behavior become increasingly bizarre, with the pop star shaving her head on camera and giving a disastrous performance at the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards. After she was hospitalized twice for psychiatric reasons, her father, Jamie Spears, won the right to a conservatorship over his daughter. Spears' career and personal life were then intensely monitored and controlled by her father.


Britney Spears, 2009: By 2009, Spears' personal life and career appear to be back on track; she embarked on a world tour behind her successful record, Circus, has extended visitation rights with her children, and her conservatorship may end soon, leaving her in control of her own destiny for the first time in years. Hopefully, the next decade will be a little easier for Britney than the last one was.


5. Beyonce Knowles, Y2K: Beyonce, circa Y2K, was still with her group, Destiny's Child, figure skating across America, recording hits like "Independent Woman, Part 1" for the Charlie's Angels soundtrack. After several successful Destiny's Child singles like "Bootylicious," (which she co-wrote) Beyonce decided that we were, in fact, ready for this jelly, and decided to strike out on her own with her 2003 album, "Dangerously In Love." Destiny's Child split in 2005, and Knowles' solo career has been going strong ever since.


Beyonce Knowles, 2009: By 2009, Knowles had established a wildly successful solo career, introduced the world to her alter-ego, Sasha Fierce, married long-time boyfriend Jay-Z in a private ceremony, and branched out into acting with roles in Dreamgirls and Cadillac Records. Her video for "Single Ladies" is perhaps one of the most memorable videos of 2009, if not the entire decade.


6. Tom Cruise & 7. Nicole Kidman, Y2K:Though it seems a bit hard to picture at this point, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman started the decade as a married couple; in 2001, they'd split after 11 years of marriage.


Nicole Kidman, 2009: Kidman's career skyrocketed after her divorce from Cruise; in 2003, she received the Academy Award for Best Actress for her portrayal of Virginia Woolf in The Hours. Kidman went on to marry country music star Keith Urban in 2006, and in 2008 the couple had a daughter together named Sunday Rose.


Tom Cruise, 2009: Tom Cruise's career hasn't fared as well as his ex-wife's this decade. His career tanked following an incredibly weird series of television appearance, such as a Today show appearance wherein he called Matt Lauer "glib" and accused him of not understanding the history of psychiatry like Cruise did, as well a now-infamous appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show during which Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch to declare his love for actress Katie Holmes, whom he married in 2006. The couple's marriage that year, as well as the birth of their daughter, Suri, has made them a tabloid favorite ever since, with Tom's association with Scientology often overshadowing both of their acting careers.


8. Whitney Houston, Y2K: Whitney started the decade with a Grammy Award for Best R&B Female Vocal Performance, but her career faltered as the decade went on. Accusations of drug use ("crack is wack") swirled around her marriage, which was documented for a depressing reality show called Being Bobby Brown, which showed a side of Houston the public had never seen before (and gave The Soup one of its favorite catchphrases). Houston divorced Brown in 2006, went to rehab for what she now admits was drug addiction, and began to get her career together.


Whitney Houston, 2009: In 2009, Houston returned with her album, I Look To You, discussed the difficulties of the past decade in a tell-all interview with Oprah and received a standing ovation at the American Music Awards following a performance of "I Didn't Know My Own Strength."


9. Lindsay Lohan, Y2K:, Lohan, shown here in 2001, began the decade under the Disney umbrella, starring in films like Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Her breakthrough came with 2004's Mean Girls and the release of her first album, Speak, though troubles in her personal life soon seemed to follow, with the actress being accused of having everything from an eating disorder to self-harming issues to drug addiction.


Lindsay Lohan, 2009: It has not been a great second half of the decade for Lohan; her last few years in the press have been dominated family troubles, her on again-off again relationship with Samantha Ronson, rumors of violent and erratic behavior, and film duds like I Know Who Killed Me and the straight-to-television Labor Pains. Yet Hollywood loves a comeback story, so we'll have to see what the next decade has in store for Lilo.


10. Joaquin Phoenix, Y2K: Phoenix started the decade by scoring an Academy Award nomination for his performance in Gladiator; a second nomination would come in 2005 for his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk The Line. In 2008, he shifted gears and began focusing on his rap career, which confused pretty much everyone.


Joaquin Phoenix, 2009: By 2009, Phoenix claimed he was retiring from acting to work on his rap career full-time. He discussed his plans during a now-infamous appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman, appearing completely out-of-it and nearly unrecognizable behind shades and a grizzled beard. Phoenix claims his rap career is "not a joke," and his transformation from actor to rapper is being filmed for an upcoming documentary by his brother-in-law, Casey Affleck. Whether or not Phoenix's career change will be successful (or if it's all an elaborate hoax) is yet to be seen, but I suppose all will be revealed at some point during the next decade. After all, you never know what can happen in just 10 years.

[Los Angeles, December 10. Image via Getty]

Ok!
"My Side Of The Story."
Rachel Uchitel was interviewed at her home, and Tiger Woods was not mentioned in the conversation. The mag's first question: "The media is painting you as the other woman, how would you describe yourself?" Uchitel says: "I've been called homewrecker, gold digger, tramp, whore. I make mistakes, but I'm not those things." For the next four pages, we learn: she has 2 dogs — one named Rudy Giuliani and one named Ozzy Osbourne; she likes Twilight and is Team Edward; and she watches Nancy Grace every night. In one picture, she is holding a photo of herself as a child and the caption reads: "I'm a good person." Moving on: The golf pro who introduced Tiger and Elin says she won't stay for him — or the money — after what he's done. "I don't see her being able to continue to love someone who violated her trust so thoroughly. That's not how she was raised." Hey, did you hear the rumor that when Rihanna and Zac Efron met backstage at David Letterman's Late Show, where they sipped champagne and swapped numbers? We didn't either. And Gossip Cop — which has partnered with Ok! — says it's not true. The rumor that Robert Pattinson was going to play John Lennon in Disney's 3-D remake of the Yellow Submarine is also false. Finally, in Taylor Squared news, a close friend of the pair tells Ok!: "They're the new Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. But they have the same first name — that sends it over the top! The cuteness factor is through the roof."
Grade: F (22°)

Life & Style
"Sandra: Fighting For My Kid."
We were bored to tears by this cover story about how Jesse James's daughter, Sunny, will sleep over at her biological mom's house on Christmas Eve. Mom is porn star Janine Lindemulder, and the mag points out that her house is "where same place she films adult videos." But Janine has nothing bad to say about Sandy Bullock: "I applaud her for the way she's taken over these past six months. She's done a wonderful job with Sunny." Moving on: Brad and Angelina celebrated their 5th anniversary in a poolside bungalow at the Chateau Marmont. He surprised her! "To keep information from getting out, and to keep Angie in the dark, only top level hotel staff members were informed." Brad and Angie were holding hands when they arrived. Angie was a excited and kept asking Brad what he was up to, but he just smiled. They ordered pasta and vodka via room service, and didn't leave the room until the next day, when they had a "triple date" with Cindy Crawford and her husband and George Clooney and his gf. (It wasn't actually a date — it was the party for Clooney's new movie, but whatever.) Kendall Jenner is "vogueing" for Forever 21 in a new ad campaign, and the mag points out that "her eyes sparkle like Brody's" and she has sister Kim Kardashian's "hot hair." (See image 7.) Holly Madison and Benji Madden: Dating. Finally: "What Happened To Cameron's Face" alleges that Ms. Diaz had fillers and stuff, but she looks exactly the same in both pictures (See image 8.)
Grade: F (29°)

In Touch
"I Will Leave My Wife For You."
So now we know that Tiger was juggling his wife Elin, his fuckbuddy Jaimee Grubbs and his mistress, Rachel Uchitel at the same time. This mag has emails from Tiger to Rachel, which read: "I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next me, lay on me, or wherever you want to lay. Fuck. Why didn't we find each other years ago. We wouldn't be having this conversation." Later in the article there is a picture of Rachel in a white bikini next to a picture of Elin in a white bikini, and the copy reads: "Why would Tiger stray from Elin?" And mentions that she is "an elegant Swedish former model with a killer body." Moving on: "Miley: 17 Going On 37." She dresses in leather, she pole dances, and now she has a tattoo under her boob. Apparently her "bosses" at her record label are concerned about what message she sends to young fans. Yawn. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is "caught in the middle." When he was standing on the carpet between Brad and Angie, "the tension between the couple was palpable. And Maddox did not look happy about it." The photo accompanying this story negates and contradicts the allegations, because the three of them look pretty happy on the red carpet (see image 9.) Also, the text reads: "The thought of his mom and dad splitting after giving him all of these brothers and sisters seems to be having an affect [sic, it should be Effect) on him." An insider says, "Lately, he has just been playing video games." Bizarre behavior for an 8-year-old! Meanwhile, Pax is "wild," and "runs around the house screaming in Vietnamese and attacking Maddox." Sounds fun! Next: George Clooney has finally "met his match" with Italian TV personality Elisabetta Canalis — she won't let him pay her rent, and has more clout in Italy, so when they need a reservation, she'll use her name. "She's in control," says a source. Jessica Simpson "nearly fainted" when she found out that Tony Romo's new girlfriend, Candice Crawford, was wearing a diamond ring from Tony. In "Hollywood Weight Watch, Who's Up, Who's Down," we learn that Brittany Murphy is too skinny; Sara Rue needs to lose; Jared is up; Reese Witherspoon is down; Mischa Barton is up. Lastly: Looking into the eyes — and closet — of Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives Of New Jersey is horrifying. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (45°)

Star
"Baby At Last — With Brad's Help!"
Jennifer Aniston's "mentor and confidant," ex-husband Brad Pitt, is "urging her on and patiently walking her step-by-step" through the "complicated, nerve-wracking" adoption process. After Jen visited an orphanage in Mexico, she sent Brad a text, telling him she was thinking of adopting. This set off a "flurry" of texts. "At first she wasn't sure she'd be strong enough," but "Brad gave her the courage to move forward." LOL. He told her: "You'll be an amazing mother. I've always believed that." When Jen heard that, "tears welled up in her eyes." She "pretty much lost it." LIKE WE ARE LOSING IT NOW. "For some reason, hearing Brad say those words to her was exactly what she needed." Brad told Angelina about the situation, and "Angelina exploded." But Brad explained that all Jen wants is help giving an orphan a good home. "This really struck a chord with Angie." She told Brad: "Do what you have to do." She told Brad to give Jen the number of her adoption expert, who helped her with Maddox, Pax and Zahara. Brad's been talking to Jen about how to nurture a child from another culture and reassured her that she can do it alone. In other Jolie-Pitt News, Maddox is looking forward to a small role in the new Karate Kid movie, Kung-Fu Kid, starring Will Smith's 11-year-old son Jaden. Blind item! "Which athlete has been playing the field behind his A-list girlfriend's back? One flirty night club encounter has already turned into a series of dates, and his main girl is getting suspicious." (coughARodCough) More: Lady Gaga drinks half a cup of apple cider vinegar three times a day. Britney saw that kooky Chris Brown wedding dance video and now she wants to do a special dance at her wedding to Justin Trawick. In Tiger Woods news, a "friend" of Rachel's says the night Tiger met Ms. Uchitel, they had sex seven times — and never used a condom. At 5 am, Tiger took a break to go to the gym, and when he came back, there were "two more rounds of lovemaking." The "friend" says: "This wasn't wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type sex, this was making love. That's how Rachel describes it." Apparently Tiger was paranoid and would check cabinets and closets for hidden cameras or recording devices during his hookups. Ironic that his own text messages busted him! Rachel knew about Tiger's other chicks, Cori and Kalika, but "hearing about Jaimee was what broke her heart. The wife is one thing, but it's what the others have said that hurts. She read that he didn't use condoms with any of them, either, and it just grossed her out." Next: Jessica Alba's relationship with Cash Warren is falling apart — she told a "pal" that they're not sleeping in the same bed and she has a crush on Mario Lopez. Stephanie Pratt was fired from The Hills but MTV execs are letting her make it look like she quit, to avoid embarrassment. She'd been showing up hungover or not at all, and then there was the DUI. "Producers like catfights and broken romances, not drama that involves breaking the law," says a source. "Stephanie just became this major mess and was too much of a liability." Finally: Weight Wars! Winners & Losers" features an expert guessing what the stars have been doing with their bodies. Chris Noth has MAYBE been doing weight training and yoga. Mischa Barton has been eating more because she got kicked off The Beautiful Life. Jessia Simpson has "plumped up again."
Grade: C- (50°)

Us
"What She Knew"
In an epic story about Tiger Woods and his women, there's info about how Tiger Woods would cheat on his wife. He would book hotel rooms under Mr. & Mrs. Bell (his best friend is Byron Bell). He also text messaged — a lot. MANY of the text exchanges between Tiger and Jaimee Grubbs are printed here — and they were texting right up through Thanksgiving. A snippet:

Tiger: I need you.
Jaimee: Then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u
Tiger: I will wear you out soon
Jaimee: How soon? I got a new piercing.

To check out the rest, see image 11. Meanwhile, Elin was apparently living an "isolated life," jogging alone, wandering around Macy's alone, and eating alone at Cheesecake Factory. Next: In "25 Things You Don't Know About Me," Snoop Dogg reveals that he used to work at McDonald's; he has a "mancave," and his favorite subject was math, "Cuz if it ain't about money, it ain't about me." When Christina Milian and The Dream got married in Rome, she wore a lovely Monique Lhuillier gown; he wore an Alexander McQueen tux with Tom Ford boots. As in: Knee-high boots. (See image 12.) Charlie Sheen's wife Brooke has decided that she will only hire "older women" as nannies. The headline here is: "No Sags, No Wrinkles, No Job." Lastly: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are "suddenly serious." His parents live on Long Island and Brit is scheduled to be in New York for three days around Christmas, and she'll visit his parents while she's here!
Grade: C (55°)

From Life & Style

Click "full size" to enlarge

From Life & Style (but seems like a rip-off of when Us did What's Wrong With Lindsay's Face?)

Click "full size" to enlarge

From In Touch

From Us

Click "full size" to enlarge

From Us

• Angelina Jolie has a "secret family" she's "kept hidden for years."

She's been paying to support seven orphans — three girls and four boys — at the SOS Children's Village in Amman, Jordan. During her recent visit to the Middle East, she took Brad to see the kids, who live together in one house with a foster mother. Image at the link and, as always, consider the source. [National Enquirer]

• Beyoncé threw a star-studded 1920s-themed birthday party in the Dominican Republic for Jay-Z's 40th; Kanye West, Amber Rose, Diddy, Alex Rodriguez, Kate Hudson, Alicia Keys, Lyor Cohen and Tory Burch were in attendance. [Mirror, Page Six]
• As seen in a Snap Judgment, Lady Gaga met the Queen of England last night; the former wore a modest latex gown. On stage, she wore an Elizabethan collar, and played a Dali-esque piano 30 feet in the air from a cushion suspended by chains. The very definition of restraint! [Daily Mail]
• A woman was rushed to the hospital from Tiger Woods' home in Florida this morning. All we know is that she is blonde, and that the ambulance was followed by a car with another blonde woman driving. [Newser, People]
• The assumption is that the person in the hospital is Elin Nordegren's mom. [TMZ]
• TMZ has a random blurry pic of Tiger Woods chatting up a waitress at a Las Vegas nightclub. [TMZ]
• Tiger Woods will not be the best man at Byron Bell's wedding this weekend — Tiger's not even going to the event. [TMZ]
• TMZ saw the admissions chart when Tiger was in the hospital the day after Thanksgiving and paperwork says Tiger was there because of an "OD." [TMZ]
• A Florida trooper tried to get Tiger Woods' blood results from the hospital — suspecting DUI — but was denied. Preferential treatment? [CBS News]
• Tiger's wife Elin Nordegren has purchased a mansion in Sweden; it's on a small, secluded island reachable from Stockholm only by ferryboat. Will she move there? [NY Daily News]
• Tiger Woods' mistress Jaimee Grubbs was given a VIP table next to Lauren Conrad and near Leighton Meester at an LA club. Why? That's unclear. But this column is titled "Tiger's Tails Live It Up." [Page Six]
• FYI: George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis are still dating, though you may have heard a rumor that they broke up. Her dad says: "My daughter is happy and at peace… There is genuine affection between my daughter and Clooney." [UPI]
• 50 Cent says: "Susan Boyle is hot right now. I got to get her on a track, for real." OMG that could be awesome. Fiddy adds: "She's cool. I'd love to take her clubbing, show her around my world. She'd have a great time." [PopEater via Mirror]
• Lindsay Lohan is headed to India, where she's filming a BBC documentary about impoverished kids. [Page Six]
• LOL: "Madonna stayed away from Courtney Love at the bash for Tom Ford's movie, A Single Man." [Page Six]
• Just when you thought that Tiger Woods had knocked these fools out of the news: Hailey Glassman calls Jon Gosselin "a monster" in this video. She says Jon and Kate Major and told her that Kate Major was going to "pretend" to be Jon's girlfriend to take the tabloid heat off of her. "Stupid me," Hailey says. She explains that then she found out that Jon slept with Kate Major. Hailey also says: "I was with a liar. I loved a liar. I was lied to constantly." [Radar Online]
• Um... Hailey Glassman is still living with Jon. And: "I'm not on speaking terms with my mother because of Jon. He's thrown a huge fork in my family. That's the saddest part about all of this. When all the cheating accusations came out I'd catch him lying, he'd call my mother and tell her 'I love Hailey, I would never cheat on her. Those other girls are whores and they're trying to extort money from me.' At that point I would break up with Jon and tell him to leave me alone. My mom would then come to me and say, 'Jon's a great guy.' He would manipulate my mother because he knew my mother and I were best friends. He would manipulate my mother to get back to me and I would forgive him." For the love of God. [Radar Online
• Jon Gosselin was named the "most provocative" person of the year by HLN. "Jon Gosselin was the tabloid train-wreck gift who just kept on giving!" says Showbiz Tonight senior executive producer David Levine, with glee. [CNN]
• Alexa Ray Joel is recovering at her father's estate in Long Island. [NY Daily News]
• This columnist notes that Alexa Ray Joel is "a piano woman in an age dominated by Beyoncés and Rihannas, a torch singer with a taste for Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald, writing her own music, booking her own gigs, and distributing her CDs independently. The fact that she has skills and a couple of famous parents didn't necessarily make her artistic life easier… what happened this weekend was also a poignant reminder of just how dispiriting it can be to be a young artist at a time when record deals only seem to go to reality-show contestants, and radio consolidation has made it harder for niche artists to find an audience." [The Daily Beast]
• ABC may have had issues with Adam Lambert, but not Fox — he'll be singing on So You Think You Can Dance. [Page Six]
• Mickey Rourke will marry his girlfriend Elena Kuletskaya in Moscow in April; his thrid marriage and her first. Mickey and Elena met when she was coaching him in Russian dialogue for Iron Man 2. [Page Six]
• Kate Bosworth will star in Lost Girls & Love Hotels, written by Nadia Conners and directed by Young Victoria's Jean-Marc Vallee. She'll play a woman who tries to forget her past by living in Tokyo, where she's a flight attendant trainer by day and "sex- and drug-addled" by night. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Tori and Candy Spelling are communicating, says Dean McDermott. "Candy has seen the kids, which is what this is all about." Does this mean that they're no longer using the media as voicemail? [People]
• Peeps in LA: Prepare yourselves for a Pee-Wee comeback! He is doing a new stage play — The Pee-Wee Herman Show — with puppets and all of the original characters: Chairry, Genie, Conky, Magic Screen, Miss Yvonne and Cowboy Curtis. All the original actors from the TV show will play their parts on stage, except for Laurence Fishburne, who has a previous commitment. But Fishburne says if there is a movie, he'll get a Jheri curl and be there. [CNN]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Amy Adams would like to know the sex of her fetus. "I thought about waiting and I just don't think that's really my personality," she explains. "It's not about planning a nursery, it's more about I just want to know. I want to be able to relate in that way. That's what works for me, but I totally believe in whatever works for the individual." [People]
• On a German TV show, Hugh Grant embraced a comedian named Anke Engelke, and she recoiled, cringed and made a face. Why, yes, there are pix at the link. [People]
• Joely Richardson says: "I cannot imagine that there will ever be a day when I don't think of [my sister] Natasha." [Daily Mail]
• Russell Brand has returned from a four-day retreat in which he studied the art of transcendental meditation. Now he can stop contemplating the universe and go back to focusing on Katy Perry's assets. [The Sun]
• Leona Lewis was flown to Monte Carlo over the weekend, where she was paid six figures to sing for "one of Romania's richest men." Maybe she changed the lyrics? Keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding cash. [The Sun]
• Porn star Janine Lindemulder lost her request for expanded visitation rights for her 5-year-old daughter with ex-husband Jesse James (who is now married to Sandra Bullock). [LA Times]
• A nude photograph taken by David Bailey of Roman Polanski and wife Sharon Tate — taken shortly before she was brutally murdered — sold for $11,250 at an auction on Monday. [Reuters]
• No weasel jokes: Pauly Shore is suing his brother, accusing him of elder abuse against their mother, who has Parkinson's. [Radar Online]
• "Two physicians accused of over-prescribing addictive medication to Anna Nicole Smith will fight efforts by the state medical board to bar them from practicing medicine," [LA Times]
• The Dallas remake: Coming to a TV near you. [NY Daily News]
• "A judge has dismissed a misdemeanor domestic violence charge against gospel singer BeBe Winans after determining he had seen a counselor as required by prosecutors." [USA Today]
• "On my first day [on the set of Space Cowboys], he came into the hair and makeup trailer, and the 13-year-old girl in me took over. I flung myself across the trailer and hugged him — and I hugged him hard. I said 'Hi, I'm Marcia Gay Harden!' and he said, 'I know, I cast you.'" — Marcia Gay Harden, on meeting Clint Eastwood. [Gatecrasher]
• "[Many young American actresses] have a Nickelodeon quality to their acting, like they're goofing. We needed a girl who looked like she was from 1973 and who got the reality of the story. Saoirse is fiercely courageous. In a way, I like to think that Susie Salmon found us." — director Peter Jackson. He and Stanley Tucci both sing the praises of Lovely Bones star, 15-year-old Irish actress Saoirse Ronan — whom you may have seen in Atonement — at the link. [USA Today]
• "[A bully] calls up my phone and he's like, 'Is Taylor there?' and I just handed it to my bodyguard and I was like, 'John, give him a talking to.' So he's like, 'Yo, you don't ever call this number ever again. I put my fist through your face.' It was really great. It was effective." — Taylor Swift. [MSNBC]
• "If I have to go out on stage and, you know, jump around in a pair of hot pants I better look good, and also when I perform I'm like an athlete, I have to be in good shape. I'm not panicked, I just know what my job is, and I know that if I want to be able to wear whatever I want to wear on stage, then my body better look good." — Madonna. [MSNBC]

[Los Angeles, December 3. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[Los Angeles, December 3. Image via Getty]

• Ian Halperin, who is pushing his book, Brangelina : The Untold Story, claims that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston had a "heated confrontation" at a deserted Hollywood restaurant after Brad and Jen's 2006 divorce. Halperin says:

"Jen was upset and shouted at Angelina . . . There was an altercation, it got pretty heated . . . It reduced Jen to tears." Um, he also claims that before meeting Brad, Angelina was "interested" in other married men: "She said she wanted to go after either Bill Clinton or Johnny Depp." But for business reasons, no? Anyway: Grain of salt. [Page Six]

• Dumb/untrue headline of the day: "Only Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Would Take An Eight-Year-Old To See A Film About Nelson Mandela." [Daily Mail]
• Roman Polanski began his house arrest in an Alpine chalet in the luxury resort of Gstaad today. [AP]
• Miley Cyrus's tattoo allegedly says "Just Breathe," but the rumor that she got her boyfriend's name inked probably started since she dated a dude named Justin. Just, Justin. Just saying. [Daily Mail]
• Jude Law and Sienna Miller: So back on? Or just friends? [Page Six]
• "Sources" say that the reason Rachel Uchitel canceled her press conference about Tiger Woods is because Tiger gave her $1 million. [MSNBC]
• TMZ says Tiger didn't pay Rachel, but that she canceled her press conference because she was "scared for her safety" and fears"all the other people caught in what is becoming a very large net." What the hell does that mean? [TMZ]
• According to a report, Tiger Woods' mom and mother-in-law were at his house the night of the incident and came outside after the cops showed up, with Tiger's mom asking, "What happened?" [USA Today}
• "Sources say Bryon Bell, a childhood friend and President of Tiger Woods Design, bought a plane ticket for Rachel Uchitel to go to Australia in mid-November to secretly spend time with Tiger. The ticket was purchased by Bell using a credit card. He also booked a room for Uchitel at the Crown Towers Hotel in Melbourne." The trip, of course, was booked to coincide with the Australian Masters, which Tiger won. [TMZ]
• TMZ has emails between Byron Bell and Rachel Uchitel. [TMZ]
• Tiger Woods is allegedly offering his wife Elin $80 million to stay for seven years in a revised prenup. Worth it? [NY Daily News]
• Destiny's Child is reuniting — in court for a lawsuit over the song "Cater 2 U." A source says: "Matthew [Knowles] has a long history of trying to get songwriters to add Beyoncé's name to songs she didn't compose, just so she gets publishing royalties." Kelly Rowland is pissed, apparently, that she is even involved. [Gatecrasher]
• The usually conservatively dressed Taylor Swift wears a bikini in a new video clip. [NY Daily News]
• WTF headline of the day: "Kim Kardashian: I'm Back to My Ninth-Grade Weight." Next goal: 3rd grade! Then sexy as a fetus! [E!]
• This picture of some of the kids from Glee about to sing in Bryant Park = awesome. [Gatecrasher]
• Hollywood kids in love! Patrick Schwarzenegger is seeing Tallulah Willis. [Page Six]
• Naomi Campbell went to Art Basel in Miami and a source says: "She was pretty rude, didn't bid on anything, and spent the whole time clinging to her boyfriend. Who shows up to a charity event with a bodyguard?" Is she obligated to bid on anything? What if the bodyguard was for her wealthy Russian beau? This story reeks of sour grapes. [Page Six]
• Rihanna told some radio station DJs that she likes a tall guy with a big dick. Audio at the link. [TMZ]
• In an unrelated incident, Rihanna was the subject of a random search at LAX. [NY Post]
• The other Real Housewives of NYC don't like new housewife Sonja Morgan. "I had never watched the show before I joined, " she says. "If I had, I probably wouldn't be on it." [Gatecrasher]
• It's Britney's birthday! Celebrate with this "28 Years In 28 Pictures" column. [Pop Wrap]
• Busta Rhymes was fined $75,000 because a man claims he was assaulted by the rapper at a concert. [NY Post]
• Steve-O has been clean and sober and criminal violation-free for 18 months, earning him dismissal of a cocaine-possession charge. [E!]
• "There's 16 different licenses that I do; I do acting, music and TV. It's a lot of fun, so right now we're creating some different TV shows which I'm going to star in as well as produce and I'm just finishing up my new album." — Paris Hilton has a new perfume and a bunch of other projects and she is not going away. [Mirror]
• "It's hard for me. My wife passed away seven months ago and I don't want to think about the afterlife. I don't believe in that sort of thing. It'd be nice, if it were there. Woody Allen has that great quote where he says he doesn't believe in an afterlife, although he's bringing a change of underwear. That's how I feel." — Stanley Tucci, who plays a pedophile in The Lovely Bones, which deals with life after death, in a way. He shot Julie & Julia afterward, and says: "That film was the antidote to this one, and was exactly what I needed to do. I stayed at home, worked with Meryl, laughed a ton and made martinis every night. We're like two children together and laugh all the time, which is why we get along so well." [WSJ]
• "Of course, we feel like for us to put out an album titled Greatest Hits would maybe insinuate that we've got nothing left. I look at it as the end of Chapter 1—the first 15 years. I never thought we would last more than two albums. It wasn't meant to be a band. I would've called it something else if it were meant to be a band. Something other than Foo Fighters, I swear." — More great quotes from Dave Grohl at the link. [Time]
• "I'm getting my child a mortgage. She split time between New York and L.A. growing up, but she's a New Yorker. It's a house in the West Village, which is all she wants in life." — Courtney Love is giving Frances Bean property for Christmas. [Style.com]
• "There were a ton of paparazzi in the café with their huge cameras and laptops. I was like, 'Peter, oh my god, they are so into us. They're swarming us. We are so important.' It turns out Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were living on that street. It was the winter, so the photographers would go into the café to download their pictures."— earlier this year, Maggie Gyllenhaal thought she and Peter Sarsgaard were the toast of New York. [E!]
• "I feel the consequences of that every day. I was going to put the hose in the most noxious of the cars I own, a Jeep, take some sleeping pills and take a nice nap in the front seat of my car in the garage." — Alec Baldwin, on calling his daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig" in a voicemail. [Daily Express via Men's Journal]
• "It's been amazing [to have twin daughters] but complicated because of my current work schedule, which I have enormous regrets about… One would prefer to be held 24 hours a day, and the other is already suffering from type A issues. It is the eternal conflict of every working woman. I've done this to myself. And I have a wonderful, wonderful nanny who allows me to be a working person. The great challenge for me is to be all things to all people; I want to be a great mother, and I want to feel good when I'm at work. But it is hard." — Sarah Jessica Parker regrets filming Sex And The City Part Deux. [NY Daily News via Glamour]

• Elin Nordgren isn't leaving Tiger Woods, but she is revising their prenup. A source claims she's "being paid a hefty seven-figure amount - immediately transferred into an account she alone controls - to stick with her husband."

• Elin has reportedly demanded a total rewrite of the couple's prenuptial agreement. Others say they're in marriage counseling, and a friend of the couple adds, "She and Tiger have had problems in the past, this is obviously as bad as it's ever been, but she's not leaving as of now." [MSNBC]
• Elin Nordegren reportedly called Jaimee Grubbs, Tiger Woods' alleged mistress, to confront her about her affair with her husband on Friday after his car crash. Grubbs told her co-workers that a woman called from an unidentified number and when she asked who it was, the woman said, "You know who this is because you're fucking my husband." [TMZ]
• Jaimee Grubbs told Us: "Elin has never called me as far as I know. I did get a call from an unknown number last Tuesday (the same day as Tiger left me a message), but I never picked up." [Us]
• A "friend," who claims Jaimee Grubbs told her all about the affair, says she asked her about Woods being married, "and she said that she just put a blind eye to it... She just played the dumb card and whenever it came up she just changed the subject or never let on that she knew he was married." [E!]
• Jaimee Grubbs told all of her co-stars on Tool Academy that she was having an affair with Tiger Woods. "We all knew about Jaimee's affair with Tiger Woods because she told us," said her castmate Aida Menaska. She also talked about the affair on camera. " I guess they cut it out because VH1 didn't want to cause problems for Tiger Woods and his wife," said Menaska. [Radar Online]
• Us editor Bradley Jacobs says that before the magazine posted the voicemail Jaimee Grubbs claims is from Tiger Woods it was vetted by the Us legal team. "It's very clear that this is Tiger's voice," Jacobs said. "He's a very recognizable figure. He's a billion dollar brand. We all know his voice. As soon as you hear it, you know it's Tiger." [CBS News]
• An attorney for Tiger Woods' neighbors says they saw him after his accident on Friday and his injuries were "consistent with a car wreck and inconsistent with him being beat up... The scratches on his face were consistent with someone who maybe was in a minor car accident and hit his head on the windshield. ... None of his injuries looked like he was beat up by his wife." [ESPN]
• Rachel Uchitel (Tiger Woods' other alleged mistress) and her lawyer Gloria Allred have been complaining about the paparazzi hounding them... so they had lunch at Spago and fed the photographers cookies afterwards. [TMZ]
• Roman Polanski will be placed under house arrest at his Alpine chalet on Friday. He will have to wear an electronic bracelet and stay in the house as officials decide whether to extradite him to the U.S. [AP]
• Michael Lohan gave a two-and-a-half hour deposition today against his former BFF Jon Gosselin for TLC's lawsuit against Jon. "They asked questions regarding my involvement on a business level with Jon Gosselin; deals that were negotiated, transactions that did occur and basically my deal with Michael Heller," said Lohan. "I think they have a very, very strong case, one that I definitely don't think they'll lose. So good luck to Jon." [Radar Online]
• Four people accused of breaking into the homes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and other celebrities pleaded not guilty to felony burglary charges today, including alleged ringleader Nicholas Prugo. [AP]
• A judge has thrown out a defamation lawsuit filed against the Dixie Chicks by the stepfather of one of the three 8-year-old boys killed in Arkansas 15 years ago. The man says Natalie Maines accused him of being involved with their deaths because she made statements supporting the "West Memphis Three," the teenagers convicted of the crimes. [AP]
• BREAKING: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie held hands at a party hosted by George Clooney and Brad asked people how their Thanksgiving was. [Us]
• According to USA TODAY's Celebrity Heat Index, which measures media exposure, Angelina Jolie is this month's hottest celebrity, followed by Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Kourtney Kardashian is the most popular reality star, to which we say, "Her?" [USA Today]
• Lily Allen has confirmed she's going to take "one or two years off from recording and performing music" after a concert at the O2 in London in March. She says she's going to start a record label, set up a fashion shop with her sister, and "spend some time in the home I've built for myself." [BBC]
• Sad news: David Beckham's 83-year-old grandfather died today of lung cancer. He and Becks were very close. [The Mirror]
• British Prime Minister Gordon Brown referred to Reese Witherspoon as Renee Zellweger when she visited Parliament to promote Refuge and Avon's global campaign against domestic violence. It wasn't just a slip of the tongue either. He said, 'I'm very grateful that Renee Witherspoon is leading this campaign. She spoke movingly at the funeral of Anthony Minghella and I welcome her to the House today," but Zellweger spoke at the memorial. [Daily Mail]
• Kate Hudson said of the pictures of her kissing A-Rod at the AMAs, "There's a guy that's shooting probably 60 frames a minute. That was a sideswipe on the cheek. That wasn't even a kiss. I quickly kissed the cheek. And I remember one of the headlines the next day said, MAKEOUT SESSION. What is wrong with people?" [People]
• Redmond O'Neal appeared in court today for a progress report and told the court, "I have been doing treatment awhile your honor... I want to do something different. I want to stay clean." The judge said, "I told you to turn it around, and it looks like you did." [Radar Online]
• Ugh. In the TV special Psychic Hollywood: The Search For Truth, which airs next week, Alana Stewart asks medium James Van Praagh to contact Farrah Fawcett. He says, "She (Fawcett) wants to thank you... and she's bringing these beautiful flowers." [Daily Express]
• Camila Alves, Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend, will hose the new season of Shear Genius. [People]
• Stevie Wonder broke down and nearly cried at the Rock and Roll 25th Hall of Fame Anniversary Concert while performing Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel." John Legend gave him a hug. [TMZ]
• Pamela Anderson is being sued for $5,000 by a contracting company for allegedly refusing to return tools and other supplies to one of the people who worked on her Malibu estate. [Radar Online]
• American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino is starring in a new VH1 reality show called Fantasia For Real, which debuts on January 11. [N.Y. Post]
• Sara Rue, the new spokeswoman for Jenny Craig says, "My weight has fluctuated my whole life, and because I've been on television since I was 11 years old, everyone has seen it." [People]
• A judge denied a request from Verne Troyer's ex-girlfriend to make her temporary restraining order against him permanent. [TMZ]
• Kimora Lee Simmons may return to judge America's Next Top Model next season. [E!]
• Kimora Lee Simmons would like you to know that, "Djimon Honsou and I enjoy discussing anything from politics to wine, and we have enriching, private, happy, balanced lives together... That's probably the thing that would shock people most: We do things like go to the grocery store and have fun with our kids. We're a normal family, doing the best we can." [People]
• "I don't want my children to feel they have a sense of entitlement," says Sarah Jessica Parker. "I want them to work hard and be challenged. That's hard to do when you have everything you need and want, so I am working on those values all the time." [People]
• When asked what she thinks of White House party crashers Michaele and Tareq Salahi, table-flipper Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey said, "It's a little crazy... I wouldn't go to any place I wasn't invited to. It's poor etiquette. It's not my style." [Us]
• "It's just so natural for me to be married," says Khloe Kardashian. "I was never somebody who was a serious relationship person. Now I'm all in and it's so easy. It's so comfortable for him and I both." [People]
• "I would not advise any actor necessarily, if he was really thinking of his career, to come out," says Rupert Everett. "It just doesn't work and you're going to hit a brick wall at some point. You're going to manage to make it roll for a certain amount of time, but at the first sign of failure they'll cut you right off. And I'm sick of saying, 'Yes, it's probably my own fault.' Because I've always tried to make it work and when it stops working somewhere, I try to make it work somewhere else. But the fact of the matter is, and I don't care who disagrees, it doesn't work if you're gay." [The Sun]
• Will Ferrell says, "I would love to play Simon Cowell in a movie - heck, I would love it. It would be my dream role. He's become a legend in five years, nobody knew who he was five years ago and now he's one of the most famous people on TV. It wouldn't be that hard for me to play him because I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell." [Daily Express]

Ok!
"$75 Million For Baby #2."
Can we talk about this cover for a minute? We find it very conversational: "Shhhh!" and "Sorry Nicole — We Can't Keep A Secret" amd "OMG! Tiger Reveals What Really Happened." Inside, "sources" tell Ok! that there's been tension between Katie and Tom because he's been pushing for another baby since Suri was delivered. Wait, since Suri was delivered? Was he in the hospital when she came out, saying, "Gimme another one!" Anyways. Katie plans to get pregnant in the next year and Tom plans to set aside $75 million for his new offspring. A "pal" says part of the reason Katie's going to have another kid is because "she no longer feels like she's just Mrs. Cruise — she's her own person again. A sidebar headline reads: "Meanwhile, Tom's Ex Nicole Looks Pregnant." (see image 7) Dr. Christopher Sipe, who does not treat Nicole, says: "It appears she may be 30 weeks pregnant. Or she could be teasing the media." Wait wait wait. Nicole is 7 ½ months along? Or joking? Glad we narrowed that down. Moving on: Liza Minnelli and Adam Lambert are "surprise look-alikes." (See image 8.) Angelina Jolie says of Brad Pitt, "I met the right person and I don't like being without him." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are "taking a break." Jake is reluctant to live a "middle-aged lifestyle" what with the two kids and the farm and whatnot. They came to an agreement to spend some times apart and reconnect in a couple of weeks and see how they feel. Finally: Jessica Simpson is "smitten" with former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan "since connecting with the bald bad boy at a November 6 party." They left together and that was the last anyone heard of them for days!
Grade: F (flubbed shot)

Life & Style
"The Truth About My Marriage."
Ugh. As you may have noticed, L&S pushes the Kardashians on every other cover. They're on one week, off the next, then on again, and it's been going on basically since July. Or maybe earlier. We guess the editors struck a deal with the family, but the coverage is seriously tedious. Here's what Margaret learned from this incredibly long interview: Khloe says Lamar would be happy if she got pregnant right away, but she'd like to wait. And even though she met his 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, Destiny, she has never met his 7-year-old son Lamar Jr. That's what you get for rushing your reality TV wedding! Margaret thinks Lamar should concentrate on having his son meet his new wife instead of trying to make a new baby. Moving on: Lady Gaga is "making everyone crazy" and is responsible for Adam Lambert's sexed-up AMA performance, for Rihanna's "barely-there bodysuit" at the AMAs and for Miley Cyrus being more seductive. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are talking about having kids; she wants a girl. But, the magazine warns that Britney "relies heavily" on two medications to remain stable. And it might not be wise to take them while she is pregnant. Health advice is servicey! Gwyneth Paltrow has been spotted in London without Chris Martin and an insider says they're staying together for the children. Gwynnie refuses to get divorced, but "she's lived the last year or so of her life like a divorcée." What does that mean? Because I picture it involves drinking wine and wearing cleavage-highlighting outfits. Lastly: In Tiger Woods news, an insider names another woman, Kalika Moquin, as someone Tiger has hooked up with a bunch of times. "Tiger told Kalika that married life isn't all it's built up to be," and that he was unhappy and feeling lots of pressure. Kalika is a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, and the mag has a pic of her (See image 9.) When contacted, she did not confirm or deny the affair, saying it was "not appropriate" for her to comment one way or the other. We take this to mean she hasn't yet settled on a dollar amount for which to sell her story.
Grade: D- (fat shot)

In Touch
"It's Worse Than Anyone Knows."
As we learned last week, Angelina wanted to take the kids to Asia for Thanksgiving but Brad was against it, because he wanted to go to his parent's house. Now Brad's parents are advising him to leave Angie "before the relationship destroys him." The Cambodia trip allegedly fell through, so the Jolie-Pitts stayed in LA for the holiday. The copy here reads: "With no obvious reason beyond his partner's selfishness, Brad was forced to call his mother Jane on November 17, canceling the plans his whole family had been looking forward to for weeks." On the phone, "Jane sensed Brad's hurt" and asked if he was alright. "For a change, he didn't sugarcoat it." GASP. "He told his mom, 'It's worse than you think,' the insider reveals, adding that Brad was 'in tears' during the call." Jane was shocked it was so bad and told Brad to leave Angelina. The mag adds: "His only joy these days is Jen, 40, with whom he has been talking or texting nearly every day." Brad has confided to his parents that he still has feelings for Jen and they are urging him to follow through. Brad was disappointed that Jen went to Morocco for the holiday but they made plans to meet when she's back. And! Jen invites Brad's parents to her annual Christmas Eve dinner every year, and this year, they accepted, for the first time. Oh, and Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston bonded when they were both in Morocco; they are both worried about Brad's future and almost called him together but decided against it. Moving on: Reese and Jake are being torn apart because he's very serious about marriage and children and wants to "make things official" but Reese never gives in. Maggie Gyllenhaal is trying to reunite them. Lindsay Lohan is having a "secret romance" with Entourage star Kevin Connolly. They've known each other for years but hooked up at a party at Leonardo DiCaprio's house in November and are "sneaking around." Ooh, plastic surgery special! Zac Efron's nose was "refined." Megan Fox had implants, lip injections and a nose job. Etc. (See image 10.) It goes on for a few pages. Lastly: Tom Cruise begged Katie Holmes to join him in Europe for Thanksgiving, but she stayed in New York.
Grade: D (double bogey)

Star
"The Fight To End All Fights!"
An alarm went off at Brad and Angie's house in LA, so the cops came, and left 20 minutes later. The mag claims: "Five alarm fights are the norm for Brad and Angelina these days." Apparently Angelina is a "screamer" and will get physical, shoving Brad. He wanted to go to Missouri for Thanksgiving; she wanted to take Pax on a humanitarian mission. So they fought. He told her she was selfish; she started hyperventilating and threw a chair at him. Brad stormed out of the house and went to Chateau Mirval — he said he was going to set up the house for Christmas, but he really just wanted to get away from Angelina. Brad is also mad that Angelina is trying to adopt from Africa again and not involving him in the process — and he doesn't want another kid yet. Please note: The image used on the cover is a picture of Angelina Jolie crying on UN World Refugee Day — June 20, 2003 (click that link and see). Brad and Angie did not get together until 2005, nearly TWO years later. Moving on: Tyra Banks is "super skinny" and "looks gaunt and waif-like." She looks fine to us? (See image 11.) Blind item! "Which singer is less of a gentleman than he seems? He hits the red carpet with gorgeous gals while hiding his real girlfriend — because she's a stripper." Hmm, Ne-Yo's album is Year Of The Gentleman… Reese Witherspoon had 40 people over for Thanksgiving and after eating they all sat around the piano and sang. Jake Gyllenhaal was a no-show, and "everyone was told not to mention his name." Reese and Jake broke up because he wants to get married someday, but felt that Reese was pushing him into it — he got freaked out and said he wasn't ready for such a commitment. David Hasselhoff went on a three-day drinking binge and was put on a psych hold at the hospital, but has been released. Britney Spears is pregnant! A "family insider" says she took a home pregnancy test after feeling queasy; her period was 2 weeks late. Two tests were positive! She called sis Jamie Lynn, who was not very supportive, telling Brit she hoped it was a false positive. Britney made JLS swear to secrecy, but JLS told the whole family. Jason is scared of making a huge commitment right now and "nobody thinks Britney's ready to be a mom again." Um, she's already a mom, right? Finally: A friend says Lindsay "just feels defeated and doesn't care what happens." She thinks "no one can save her, not even herself." LL was partyhopping on November 12 and wound up with Brandon Davis, her former enemy, and they were seen "bending out of sight and then wiping their noses after they stood back up." Which translates into "sniffing coke." When she saw photographers outside the house, she started throwing food out the window and acting crazy. At another party, Lindsay begged Leonardo DiCaprio to help her get a film role and he "gently suggested" she clean up her act. An insider says Lindsay took that as a slap in the face and the kind of help people are offering is not the kind she wants. Plus, her friends are abandoning her and she's resorted to hanging out with strangers. "These people don't care about her, so they don't stop her from taking so many drugs," a source says. "She could overdose and they wouldn't do anything. Lindsay knows it's dangerous, but she doesn't care anymore."
Grade: C (par for the course)

Us
"Yes, He Cheated."
In an exclusive interview, cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, claims she's been having an affair with Tiger Woods for nearly three years. She played a voicemail from November 24 for the mag, which goes like this: "Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye." In a sidebar on Jaimee, she spills details about how they met; when things first started getting physical; their first sexual encounter; how she made Tiger watch Desperate Housewives, which he "allowed" because "My friend Teri Hatcher is on it." Jaimee shares sexy texts from Tiger with the mag and there's a picture of her holding her iPhone with Tiger's name listed in it. Tiger told her his life was overwhelming, but that he needed the endorsements and busy schedule because he wasn't as financially stable as he wanted to be. "I thought, fuck him, I'm just an average person, that's a slap in the face. But he has really high goals for himself." And the end of the piece, Jaimee says: "I do apologize that his wife is going to have to read this… Whatever happens with Elin, I hope Tiger and I can reconnect and remain good friends." Yeeeahhh… Not gonna happen. Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel is saying she did not have an affair with Tiger Woods but met him twice. Her friends, however, say that he was exchanging sexts and emails with her. And one email is about how he had a terrible dream that she was "getting fucked by [former flings] Derek [Jeter] and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that." MOVING ON. We loved Mindy Kaling's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" — especially "I will see any movie that features a makeover set to music." (For more see image 12!) Next, Nicole Kidman is not pregnant, her rep confirms. John Mayer has a late night show "in development," but 85% of Us readers would not watch it. Jessica Simpson was overheard at a restaurant asking her mom, "Do I like Gouda cheese?" Have you seen Heidi Klum's adorbs new baby? See image 13! Also, you probably were not aware, but "Thanksgiving Is For L♥vers." (See image 14.) Lastly: "No celeb goes to Villa in West Hollywood on Thursday nights anymore." But on November 19, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren both showed up with their friends and sat together, and after about 30 minutes, started making out "lip on tongue." "It was raw," says an eyewitness. "They were not shy." Lindsay spoke to Us and says she and Cash are friends who are collaborating on a potential TV show. "This is so absurd. He is married. I wouldn't dare kiss him."
Grade: C+ (1 over par)

From Ok!

From Ok!

From Life & Style

From In Touch

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From Star

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Kristof begins by discussing how the problem of the 20th century was slavery and gender inequity is the major problem of the 21st. He and WuDunn then launched into a long-ranging discussion about their observations from global conflict zones. Celebrities like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, Ben Affleck, Demi Moore, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton also did segments for the show.

While the effort was wonderful for consciousness raising, some issues felt as though they were glossed over. For one thing, images of suffering women were shown often - but where were those who inflicted the suffering? A warlord was featured at the beginning of the show, but perpetrators were conspicuously absent from this narrative. Where were the pimps? Former sex slave Long Pross was stabbed in the eye by a female pimp - but this was barely touched upon. In the clip above, Kristof also brings up how the owner for one of the brothels is also an employee of the local police force.

Watching the segment reminded me of the frustration many activists felt when reading The Woman's Crusade article in the Saving The World's Women issue in the NY Times magazine. As Melissa over at Shakesville wrote:

If I'm not mistaken, I just read seven pages that are the philosophical equivalent of "She got raped." Passive. Rape is something that happens to women. Something that gets done to them.

So, apparently, is worldwide institutional oppression.

I don't guess I need to say that I am all for giving women around the world every tool, every resource, every dollar and dinar, every bit of choice and opportunity and access, everything possible to lift themselves up and achieve everything they could want or imagine.

But how can we talk about lifting women up without a serious discussion of, no less without more than the merest passing reference to, who and what has been keeping them down?

The segment focused on women's oppression, but glossed over other complicating factors. For example, Kristof actually purchased two girls from sexual slavery and returned them to their villages. One girl remained in her village and wed - the other went back to the brothels, presumably in search of drugs. Kristof mentioned that this made him understand that "freeing" someone is "more than just opening a door" - but that type of analysis was lacking in the articles and segments that Kristof appeared on. Instead, the focus was on feel-good narratives and painful images of poverty and suffering.

On Oprah's website, she has a registry sub-site set up to help.

The various ways to assist (financial and awareness-based) are helpful, but is human intervention enough in the face of structural and societal problems of this magnitude?

George Clooney, Ben Affleck, Demi Moore And Hillary Clinton [Oprah]

Related: Half The Sky Movement [Official Site]

The Women's Crusade [NY Times]
Here's Your Big Chance To Ask: What About The Men? [Shakesville]

[Los Angeles, December 1. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Us

From Star

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

• Timbaland recorded a song with Chris Brown for his upcoming album, but now he's removed Chris' vocals from the track. Timbaland's manager says it's a "creative decision for both parties," but sources say he's done with the "drama" surrounding Chris.

• Timbaland's manager added, "There's nothing against Chris. We love Chris." Coincidentally, Timbaland's album will be released on December 8, the same day as Chris'. [TMZ]
• In May Chris Brown was sued by a paparazzo who claims he fell down a staircase at an L.A. Fitness after being chased by his bodyguards. Now Chris has filed papers saying he's not responsible for the injuries because LA Fitness didn't keep the paparazzi out.TMZ]
• Someone threw a packaged ham at Paula Deen at a charity event in Atlanta. It smacked her in the face, but she wasn't injured. [TMZ]
• Her rep says she was "startled at first, but quickly regained focus and kept her humor... She's okay now and is icing her face." [Us]
• ABC received about 1,500 complaints about Adam Lambert's performance at the AMAs last night, which included a dancer on a leash, simulated oral sex, and Lambert kissing another man. ABC said that isn't an unusual number of complaints, and the executives probably don't care because it was the highest rated AMAs since 2002. [USA Today]
• Jennifer Lopez joked about tripping at the AMAs, saying, "Did I trip a little bit? I don't even remember... Yeah, I meant to do that. That was part of the choreography." [People]
• Roman Polanski's lawyers are fighting amongst themselves. Last week, his French lawyer said, "he will not accept being extradited to the United States," but his L.A. lawyers just issued a statement saying, "Any statements made in the press to the effect that Mr. Polanski will not accept lawful orders of the courts, including relating to extradition, are not true." [Daily Express]
• In response to Perez Hilton writing: "It's been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it's all the family is talking about!" Jessica Simpson Tweeted: "Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all? Don't ever attack my family again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U" [Us]
• Jon Gosselin's former lawyer Charles Meyer, who withdrew from his divorce case in September, has filed an emergency petition asking that the $43,000 Jon owes him be taken out of Jon's share of the property distribution before it's handed out to Jon. [TMZ]
• Dr. Conrad Murray returned to work today at his Houston clinic for the first time since Michael Jackson's death. [AP]
• The Texas Medical Board is now conducting their own investigation of Dr. Conrad Murray, which was triggered by the ongoing DEA investigation of the doctor. [TMZ]
• Alexandra Forbes Kerry, Senator John Kerry's daughter, won't be prosecuted for DUI because when she was stopped last week, she was under the legal limit. [TMZ]
• A jury found Barry Carpenter, the Ohio police chief accused of breaking into the home of Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate, guilty of receiving stolen property, theft in office and tampering with evidence. He was acquitted on charges of burglary and unauthorized used of property or services. He faces up to 10 years in jail. [AP]
• Michael Barrett, the man accused of secretly filming Erin Andrews in hotel rooms, has pled not guilty to one count of interstate stalking. [Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt gave more than $6 million to charity last year, doubling what they gave in 2007. [Showbiz 411]
• Today on her show, Martha Stewart said there are "some comments that are circulating on the Internet regarding me and Rachael Ray" but, "just for the record there are no bad feelings between us nor have there ever been... I truly believe that Rachael has done a terrific job bringing people, many people who would of never of even stepped into the kitchen or made a dish to cook. I applaud Rachel for her enthusiastic approach to cooking." [CNN]
• In a clip from tomorrow's episode of The Hills, Spencer Pratt says he took Heidi Montag to a sushi restaurant "for a little alcohol test" because he thinks she has purposely ditched her birth control pills, and that's the easiest way to tell if your wife's pregnant. [Us]
• Someone at the L.A. Times read and summarized How to be Famous by Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, so you wouldn't have to: [L.A.T.]
• Candy Spelling has settled with the ex-maid who was suing her for overworking her. A Spelling source says the maid didn't get much, but "Maybe in maid money it's a lot." [TMZ]
• When asked about his relationship with Kate Hudson, A-Rod said, "Life is good I'm happy. We're happy, I have lots to be grateful for." [Radar Online]
• Keith Urban says he hopes his daughter Sunday Rose grows up to be a singer. "She's got some pipes," he says. "I think she sounds quite musical. I sit at the piano with her in the morning and we mash the keys together." [Us]
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson spent the weekend frolicking in New York. They went to a few bars, were spotted making out, and finished the weekend at Megu last last night. "They were with two friends and looked very cozy," says a source. "Both were having a great time." [People]
• Zac Efron says:"My first audition ever was for this Peter Pan live action show when I was 15 and I'd just done the play Peter Pan so I thought 'who could be better'. I showed up and it was on tape in this tiny room. On stage you speak to the back of the room and you project and Peter Pan is very animated and jumping off things and going crazy so that's what I did in the audition, running around and jumping off my chair, singing the lines. This woman interrupted me and goes 'you've never done this before have you?' and I went 'no' and she went 'okay you can go' and that was the worst audition ever, ever in my life. I kind of wept about that one." People]
• Here's Chippendales dancer Nathan Minor's critique of Levi Johnston's Playgirl photos: "The only problem — his hairy armpits! We take only mostly shaved guys. He should also focus on his diet to help him get a bit harder. He doesn't have to go the fitness-y hard look, but he could tighten up a little bit. His body is a little soft. But he has good hair and a great face. He's definitely Chippendales material. Anytime he wants to do the show, he's more than welcome!" [Us]
• Q: "In light of your song 'Baby By Me,' if you could pick a celebrity to be your 'baby mama,' who would it be? 50 Cent: "That would probably be an easier question for someone who isn't a celebrity. I don't know. Maybe I'd have an interracial relationship with Megan Fox... I'll get me some Jada and walk around like I'm Will (laughs). Maybe, who else? I'm not really excited by celebrity because I'm a celebrity. People who have a little bit more normalcy can't understand exactly what it is, but you get accustomed to it and it becomes less interesting." [AP]