Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are set to get married—on the big screen in their upcoming film. Last week, Universal picked up the rights for Angelina Jolie's third directorial project By the Sea in which she and Brad Pitt will be playing a married couple (gasp!)

Actress Angelina Jolie, left, and Brian Grazer, producer of the 84th Academy Awards, rehearse Friday, Feb 24, 2012 in Los Angeles. The Academy Awards will be held tonight. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are skipping the Oscars this year because Anne Hathaway's hosting. Like a humorless Wu Tang Clan for the next generation, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes ain't nothin' to fuck with.

This morning, Jersey Shore flunkie Angelina appeared on The Wendy Williams Show, where she revealed to the host that she is about to release a single called "I'm Hot." Naturally, the audience laughed.

• Paris Hilton entered guilty pleas on two misdemeanor counts and has finally admitted the coke was hers. Her plea deal gets her a year's probation. [CNN]
• The judge says straighten up and fly right. Or else. [US]

• Elle MacPherson eats powdered rhino horn as a dietary supplement, because, "It works for me." Except: rhinos are endangered, and the only way to get rhino horn is to cut one off a rhino and leave it to die. [TOL]

• Ghost Whisperer co-stars Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have split after one year of dating. There are no details on the split just yet, though surely Preston Meyers is somewhere holding a letter, yelling, "This is my sign!" [People]

• Early on Monday morning, Rihanna was celebrating the Saints' Super Bowl win at a Miami club with Kim Kardashian and Timbaland, when a partygoer chucked a champagne bottle at their table from the balcony above and almost hit her.

• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick's surrogate gave birth to their twin girls this morning in Ohio. Sarah Jessica and Matthew are at the hospital with the surrogate and released a statement saying:

• Police are investigating Lindsay Lohan because she's accused of walking off with the jewels she wore during a photo shoot for British Elle. [The Sun]

• Beyoncé on her fake "screeching" recording:

• A month after being diagnosed with breast cancer, Christina Applegate is now cancer-free. "I'm clear," she told Robin Roberts of Good Morning America earlier today. "Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread — they got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer." She went on…

Welcome to Midweek Madness, wherein we ruminate on how celebrities are just like us, in that we hate them commensurately to the degree we hate ourselves. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.