[New York, October 26. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• American Idol runner-up Adam Glambert has been vague about his sexuality, but a source says:

He'll come out, officially, on the cover of the next Rolling Stone. [Page Six]

• For the love of Zeus: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer might be back on. Here is an actual quote from a "source" o the set of The Baster: "[John] wasn't calling her or texting her. But, as she got lonelier and the shoot for her new movie wore on, she started reaching out to him, sometimes very late at night and sometimes after a few too many glasses of wine." Boozy old lonely sad tragic drunk dialing! [MSNBC]
• Jen Aniston's movie is filming near her ex-roommate's restaurant; the roomie is the one who wrote a memoir and depicted Aniston as "weight-obsessed." Unscripted dramz. [Page Six]
• Pierce Brosnan saved Uma Thurman from an out-of-control van on the set of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief! He saw the runaway vehicle "hurtling down a hill" towards Uma and jumped into the drivers' seat and slammed on the brakes. [Daily Express]
• Unsolicited uterus update: Nicole Kidman dyed her hair red and has a "poochy stomach," so clearly she must be pregnant. [Page Six]
• Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have been dating for about a week but she is "already following A-Rod around." [Page Six]
• Order in the court! Al Roker got in big trouble yesterday for snapping pictures while on jury duty. [NY Daily News]
• Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman together on Broadway? Can your ovaries stand it? [NY Daily News]
• The ex-wife of Jon Cryer (aka Duckie Dale) has been arrested for felony child neglect. [TMZ]
• Is Demi Moore going to the UK without Ashton Kutcher? Well that would mean a woman acting independently of her husband! Sound the alarm! [Mirror]
• "Carla Bruni: I feel pain when people criticise my husband... and mock my low-heeled shoes." [Daily Mail]
• Will Susan Boyle bail out of Britain's Got Talent? At this point, she could get a record deal without actually finishing the program. "The producers of the show are going to do everything in their power to make sure she is there on May 30," said a source close to the show. "Whatever Susan wants between now and then, she'll have." [MSNBC Scoop]
• This report says that network bosses will not get rid of Susan Boyle, despite the fears that she's not coping well with her new-found fame. [Mirror]
• Before he joined the cast of SNL, Andy Samberg worked as a writer for the MTV Movie Awards. So the fact that he's hosting Sunday's show means he's coming full circle, in a way. He says: "It's going to be action packed. There's going to be some surprises - nothing I can divulge, but it will involve celebrities. It's going to be great. There's going to be some pre-taped stuff, some digital shorts-style stuff, and a lot of fun collaborations." [AP]
• The rules for I'm A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here state that there is to be "no bullying, nonconsensual touching, racist or homophobic language, romantic advances (at least ones 'which are not desired or returned'), assault or sex in camp." Can Heidi and Spencer abide? [Gatecrasher]
• Four words: Bridget Jones The Musical. [NY Post]
• Is Disney being cheap with Miley Cyrus? She's getting "only" $5,000 for a week of work to guest star on The Suite Life On Deck. [TMZ]
• Jon and Kate Gosselin spent Memorial Day apart: She took the kids on a boat ride in North Carolina; he was seen in an upstate New York bar with two women. [People]
• Here's video of the Gossip Girl cast talking about various things; Blake Lively has been traveled through Asia on her break from the show and is halfway to getting certified for her scuba license. Penn Badgley went with her and grew a beard, saying, "I looked like a homeless person." [E!]
• The Jonas Brothers do not fight, says Nick Jonas. "We get along very well. I think it's just because we have a different kind of respect for one another, being in the band together. We consider each other as equals. There's no picking on the youngest, it's just not that way." Boo. Zzzzz. [Mirror]
• "Her sunglasses gleam. Her skin is scrubbed, her body pneumatic, her vast white teeth dazzling in the sunshine. Meeting Kruger is, in fact, an almost entirely predictable experience. She is pleasant and pretty and punctual […] She looks extraordinary on screen, but disarmingly normal face-to-face. She is not alienatingly gorgeous […] bland, malleable beauty […]" — from a profile on Diane Kruger. [Guardian]
• Lily Allen will have a cameo appearance in the Aussie soap Neighbors. [Independent]
• Cate Blanchett's Sydney Theatre Company is thankful to Tom Stoppard, whose play Rock and Roll sold the largest number of tickets over the last 12 months. [Telegraph]
• So Mayim Bialik is the first celeb on What Not To Wear, but Stacy London and Clinton Kelly had some restrictions: the woman formerly known as Blossom doesn't wear pants or leather. [People]
• Sherri Shepherd will be taking WWE superstar wrestler Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) to the prom. No, really. [Page Six]
• Dr. Dre appears in a Dr. Pepper ad, and so do eight seconds of his new, long-awaited album, Detox. [LA Times, Reuters]
• Comedian Zach Galifianakis gets a lot of big-screen time in The Hangover, which could make him into a movie star. [WSJ]
• NBC CEO Jeff Zucker says Seinfeld would not make it on TV today, since shows have less time to mature. [CBS News]
• An Australian woman was sentenced to more than two years in prison today for stalking American Idol's Diana DeGarmo over the Internet. [AP]
• Amy Adams will star in Leap, about a very detail-oriented woman who plans to propose to her boyfriend on Leap Day — "and things sort of go off course with the help of a very handsome, roguish Irishman." Matthew Goode is her co-star. [USA Today]
• Break out the jazz flute: Will Ferrell's in talks to do an Anchorman sequel. [NY Daily News]
• Emily Mortimer has purchased a house in Amagansett, Long Island. [Daily Express]
• Chris Martin has lost his voice and Coldplay had to cancel a show in Saratoga Springs, NY. [The Sun]
• Steve Martin's banjo music CD means the actor is on the U.S. pop album chart for the first time since 1981. [Reuters]
• Lucy Gordon, the Spider-Man 3 actress who was found dead in her paris apartment last week, apparently hanged herself, two days before her 29th birthday. She had just finished filming her role as British model-actress Jane Birkin in the biopic of Serge Gainsbourg when she died. [People]
• Phil Spector will be sentenced today. [UPI]
• The Rockabye Baby! CD has hits by Nirvana, Queen, AC/DC, Bob Marley and Pink Floyd — done in lullaby version. With the lights out, it's less dangerous? [The Sun]
• Blind item: "Which former newscaster was so drunk at a recent fete that she could barely remember her own name, never mind what day it was?" [Gatecrasher]
• "There are people who take the quest for youth too far. Madonna – she's from the show-off brigade. She makes my skin crawl. I call her desperate. I know she's got a wonderful willpower and beauty regime but talk about the ‘me' generation wrapped up in one! I think as you get older, you get the face you deserve. I'm hoping that good habits will get me through." — former Dynasty actress Stephanie Beacham. [Daily Express]
• "I tried really hard not to be who I am. I tried super hard. It was a difficult journey for me to come to terms and be whole and happy with who I am." — Kelly McGillis, who says coming out as a lesbian has not been easy, either. [People]
• "It is sad that Linda Hogan continues to attempt to throw her family under the bus to gain publicity. In terms of the ongoing divorce suit, Hulk Hogan and his legal team would gladly take Linda up on her offer to submit to a legally supervised drug test and certainly Terry would do the same. We believe the results would speak for themselves and reveal that Linda's idea of a good time would definitely not be appropriate for Mass or a family restaurant." — An attorney for Hulk Hogan. [Perez]
• "The Tonight Show means everything to me. I'll have good moments and bad, but I'll keep coming at it. At 4 a.m., I do wake up sometimes and go, 'Oh my God, it's The Tonight Show. But nothing funny comes out of reverence. I'll take care of this franchise. The key is to put aside the fear and say, 'Let's just make some people laugh.'" — Conan O'Brien, who plans to host the show "Until I'm 160, because there will be medical advancements. Fallon will take over for me when I retire at 108 to travel with my family. But it won't be Jimmy, it'll be his brain in a jar." [USA Today]
• "As I look around my friends' Tweets I see banality on all sides. I think if people were able to take these 140 characters (allowed in each post) and develop a poetic Western form - a haiku of our own in which all human existence could be compressed into those 140 characters - that would be a satisfying thing, but that's not what I see when I read them." — Hugh Laurie on Twitter. [MSNBC]
• "Tattoos are sexy. I love my name on a woman; it lets me know I'm serious" — Tyrese Gibson to InStyle. [Page Six]
• "I really want to work with Madonna. It doesn't seem a likely pairing, maybe, but I just think that she is so creative and has such vision." — Adam "Glambert" Lambert. [Mirror]

• New day, same rumor: The "doc" is a diva. So. Did Katherine Heigl get dropped from the cast of cringe-inducing flick Valentine's Day because she wanted too much cash? Her rep says:

"The story is ludicrous." And: "Katherine walked away from this project for multiple reasons." Hmm. Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Shirley MacLaine and Bradley Cooper are still in. [Page Six]

• Celebrities are speaking out about the gay marriage ban in California: Melissa Etheridge says: "So, will anyone be sleeping better tonight? Those full of hate and fear will surely be disappointed that 18,000 same sex couples will be living in wedded bliss, kissing their spouses goodnight, checking off those little 'married' boxes on all those forms we fill out nowadays. That's really going to drive them crazy." Lance Bass says: "The decision to uphold Prop 8 is deeply disappointing. I can only hope to one day live in a country that grants equal rights, opportunity, and freedom to all citizens." [Radar Online]
• George Clooney says of the ruling on Prop 8: "This just should invigorate people to get it back on the ballot in 2010 and 2012 and every two years until all people are allowed a basic civil right." [E!]
• Twitterholics Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are threatening to quit Tweeting if Twitter goes forward with its plans to launch a TV show. [NY Mag]
• More Demi Moore: She will make the trip to the UK to watch Susan Boyle in the Britain's Got Talent finale. Simon Cowell offered her (and hubs Ashton) first-class plane tickets. [The Sun]
• This video clip may or may not be footage from the new Amy Winehouse documentary Saving Amy. One thing is for sure: It's boring. If you want to see Amy's dad talk about the villa in St. Lucia for 10 seconds and then see Amy say something unintelligible for about 2 seconds, then go ahead and click. [ONTD]
• News you cannot use: Someone somewhere says of Jesus Luz: "Leave it to Madonna to find the only Jew who's a hot Latino with an uncut penis." Brazilians aren't Latino, though, right? [Village Voice]
• Speaking of Madonna: Artist Peter Howson has created an oil painting of her Madgesty in the nude with her ex, Guy Ritchie, touching her thigh. Honestly? It doesn't exactly look like her. But it's up for auction this week, if you have £22, 000. [Mirror]
• Oh! Jesus Luz speaks! He and Madonna bought jewelry together, but it's not because they're getting married: "I received these pieces of jewellery because they are inspired by Kabbalah," he says. "If I want to present them to somebody, it could be my mother or a friend of mine. I don't have any marriage plans or any wedding present." [Mirror]
• Hugh Jackman's nine-year-old son uttered the following: "Hey dad, 2 o'clock, hot chicks." And, apparently, the kid, Oscar, went up to the girls and said: "Hey, you know that my dad's Wolverine?" [Mirror]
• Michael Lohan was arrested last month when he threatened to kill his fiancée and himself when she tried to dump him. Not good. [Page Six]
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are moving to a bigger house in preparation for the twins. [Daily Mail]
• It's not a Mariah Carey gossip item without hairdresser drama and diamonds! [Page Six]
• Robert Pattinson may or may not have hooked up with a blonde chick when he was in the South of France for the Cannes Film Festival. Star spoke to the lady in question, who says: "We had a great time together! Rob's very sweet." Scintillating. [Star]
• If you see a "parade of rats," follow them! You might find Gisele Bundchen, Michael Cera, Rupert Everett and NBC news anchor Lester Holt, who are all experiencing a serious rat problem on their street in the West Village in NYC. [Page Six]
• Russell Brand, who hosted the MTV Awards last year, has advice for Andy Samberg, who's hosting the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday: "Do not jokingly criticise the Jonas Brothers — you will receive less-threatening death threats. There's nothing worse than opening a letter and then seeing in it a death threat. You think, 'Hold on a minute. I wasn't looking forward to the letter particularly. Now I fear death. Ruins a perfectly good read.'" [Mirror]
• Hey, Page Six: This item is called "Kelis & Nas Celebrate Their Baby," yet they're in the middle of a bitter divorce! [Page Six]
• Kevin Kreider, brother of Kate of Jon & Kate Plus 8, says the kids are being exploited and viewed as commodities. Sigh. [CBS News]
• Kirsten Dunst is selling her L.A. home on Nichols Canyon Road; it's got 3 bedrooms and 2 baths, exposed beams in the living room and cute outdoor spaces. Kiki is accepting offers starting at $1,700,000. Go! [Real Estalker]
• Kim Kardashian is not engaged. She doesn't know when she will get engaged. And yet. She is picking out rings. "It's just easier," she explains. "Isn't it easy if someone's like, 'This is exactly what I want.' It'll make your life so easy." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Breaking news from Lady GaGa: "I like boys that look like girls." [Fox News]
• Gavin Rossdale is on the road touring to support his new album, and little Kingston is with him! "Sometimes we'll go to museums of modern art so he can see a big splash of color on the walls… I found a way to kill some time in New York by asking him to look out the window and tell me every time he saw a yellow taxi," says Gavin. "He was so into it. We had a really good time." [People]
• Kelly Osbourne's fiancé saved her dog's life! Little Goldie was bitten by a rattlesnke and Luke rushed the pup to the vet. Kelly Twittered: "Thanks to Luke we got her there just in time. Luke was amazing, if he was not there I don't know what would have happened!" [The Sun]
• "Lifetime Movie Network Tuesday announced plans to air two fashion-themed murder mysteries this summer." LOL. Maggie Lawson stars as Lacey Smithsonian, a Washington, D.C., fashion reporter whose beat turns deadly. LOL! Mark Consuelos, Mario Cantone, Finola Hughes, Mary McDonnell and Victor Webster will be cast in the flicks, titled Killer Hair and Hostile Makeover. LOL. [UPI]
• Jodie Sweetin — aka Stephanie Tanner — has penned a book, UnSweetined, which details her past as a meth, coke, ecstasy and booze abuser who finally straightened out after she discovered she was pregnant. [Page Six]
• James Gandolfini, Will Ferrell, Nicole Kidman, Anne Hathaway and Kevin Spacey will be presenting at the Tony awards. Fingers crossed that they'll all do a musical number together! [Variety]
• James Brown died Christmas 2006, but legal battles over his estate have lived on. Yesterday a judge ruled that half of his assets will go to his charitable trust; a quarter to his wife and young son, and the rest to Brown's adult children. [USA Today]
• Ed McMahon's lawsuit — regarding slipping on a ramp-like staircase at a mansion and hurting his neck — has been settled. [TMZ]
• The promoter who sold tickets to see a fake Toni Braxton sing says that the Braxton impersonator was unaware of his scheme; she thought that everyone knew that she was an impersonator, and didn't find out until later that people purchased tickets expecting to see the real Toni Braxton. [Yahoo News via AP]
• Starting today, fans who visit Graceland get to go in the stables. [USA Today]
• Blind item! "Which beauty now going through a divorce told a pal over lunch four years ago, 'I've had several abortions. If my husband ever found out, he'd throw me out of the house?' Looks like he found out." [Page Six]
• "It's all about history. What we as mothers are doing is creating history with our kids that we can look back on. When they're adults I want my kids to say 'Mom worked so hard, but she was always there for us.'" — Britney Spears, who says she was encouraged by Madonna to take her kids on tour. [The Sun]
• "Playing a bad guy is always a freeing experience - because you don't have the same envelope of restrictions that you have playing a good guy." — John Travolta, who plays a bad guy in The Taking Of Pelham 123. [Mirror]
• "You want people to talk about you, because once they stop talking about you that's when you're really in trouble! I'm happy to have people talk about all the craziness they want to talk about, whether it's things like every year we're getting divorced or we're an open family or Will's gay, or I'm gay." — Jada Pinkett Smith, who graces the new cover of Ebony. [Just Jared]
• "I was on my way to a festival [in Chicago], I was on the street and he (a police officer) stopped me. He said 'put your ass up against the fence,' there were kids around so I guess he wanted me to cover up my butt — quite a bit was showing. But it was quite an epic moment for me, I was up against the fence going ‘it's fashion, I'm an artist!' I signed his ridiculous piece of paper and left. I was being wildly disrespectful to him, he looked like some park ranger on a bike." — Lady GaGa. [Fox News]
• "I had a gentleman turn up on my doorstep all the way from Peru. He said he'd seen my clip on YouTube and had to come congratulate me. That was pretty weird." —Susan Boyle. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I met Randy Jackson, and he asked me to sing on American Idol. I was like, 'Um, I'll stick to dancing.'" —Shawn Johnson. [MSNBC Scoop]
• "I've always approached this from the place where I don't compete with other girls. I don't compete with other people in the industry, I compete with myself. If I looked at every other girl in the entertainment industry as competition, my life would be really lonely. I wouldn't have some of the coolest friends that I'm so glad I've gotten to know over the last couple of years. ... It's really awesome to get to hang out with those girls [Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez] and to call them friends." — Taylor Swift. [Yahoo News via AP]
• "I'm home from the hospital and feeling great. Thanks for all the love and support!" — Elizabeth Taylor, via Twitter. [Reuters, Liz Taylor's Twitter]
• "I couldn't marry John Mayer, it'd be so intense. I'd definitely shag the shit out of him though. I'll go on record saying that." — Katy Perry. [The Sun via Complex]

• Christian Bale looks dirty and hot on the cover of the new EW! Inside, he talks about that infamous rant that was so popular it got turned into a dance remix:

''I don't care to go into details because, you know what, I don't believe in making excuses,'' he says. ''It doesn't matter. It was unacceptable. I went too far. And I learned from it.'' He continues: "I was surprised at myself hearing it back. These things happen, and you don't realize how long you're going in the heat of the moment. I would just say: inexcusable, my fault, yes, I did it, no excuses." As for apologizing on the radio, he did so because: "I was being told how it had gone like wildfire, and I was worried that it could completely overwhelm the movie itself. There's so much hard work that's gone into this. We had 77 days of smooth running and four minutes of me just going way too far - and that shouldn't characterize the making of the movie. My concern was that people would unfairly judge the movie based on my bad behavior." More at the link! [EW]

• Uh-oh: Gerard Butler has been charged with misdemeanor battery after a "run-in" with a paparazzo on October 7. He's not required to appear in court. [USA Today]
• Natalie Portman is still seeing Sean Penn, and just bought a gothic mansion in L.A. What does it mean? [Page Six]
• The uncle and grandmother of the little girl Madonna was trying to adopt are seeking legal action against the man who claims he is the child's father. [Mirror]
• Terry Gilliam is hoping Heath Ledger will will a second posthumous Oscar for his film, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. [NY Mag]
• Christian Bale says his daughter will not be an actress: "Amateur is absolutely fine, but no way professionally. I've seen the way that unfortunately some kids are unhappy in those situations. There's no way I'd put my daughter through that." [Daily Mail]
• Ben Stiller, his wife Christine Taylor and Ricky Gervais toured the White House yesterday. President Obama was in New Mexico. [Reuters]
• Oprah now has 1 million followers on Twitter. Are you one of them? [Business Insider]
• It seems that Britney's dad punched Sam Lutfi in the chest at some point last year, but he was "provoked" and trying to "protect" Brit. [TMZ]
• Of course TMZ has screen shots from the surveillance video of the attempted break-in at Lindsay Lohan's house. If you want to see a Dodge Magnum station wagon and two guys doing something shady, go ahead and click. [TMZ]
• "Lindsay Lohan finally lands another acting gig - but can she behave on set?" [NY Daily News]
• Will Pink and Carey Hart have another wedding, even though they never really got divorced? "I love a party," Pink tells Ellen. [People]
• Magician Criss Angel is an alleged cat thief. [Page Six]
• Kelly Osbourne has written a book! "It's more of a self-help book for young women, the 13 major things that will happen to you before you turn 21 and what I did - most of them not right - and my advice and what I would have done differently." [Mirror]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: Ashlee Simpson is pregnant with her second child. [PopCrunch]
• Guess who is getting a role in a West End musical, thanks to Andrew Lloyd Webber? Ms. Susan Boyle. [Telegraph]
• Why did Shanna Moakler resign from the Miss California USA Organization? "The turning point for me, I guess, was when I was watching the Today show and [Carrie Prejean] was sitting there continuing to lie. And it's obvious to everybody that the lying is still going on. I just couldn't stand behind her." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Do what you must to prepare yourself: Coming in 2011? Bridget Jones The Musical. [Daily Mail]
• Jane Krakowski wants Barack Obama to be on 30 Rock: "We've had Steve Martin. We've had Oprah. We've had Jerry Seinfeld. We've had all these great musical greats. Let's just go for the big guns now." [E!]
• Speaking of 30 Rock, Judah Friedlander and Alec Baldwin are both working on interesting side projects. [NY Times]
• Last week's "Motherlover" video Andy Samberg made with Justin Timberlake wasn't finished until 3 a.m. Saturday — hours before it would air. Samberg hopes to make a video with host Will Ferrell this week! [USA Today]
• What's this? More Scrubs? With Zach Braff and Sarah Chalke signing on? [E!]
• Ew: "Desperate Jordan has sent hubby Peter Andre a string of begging text messages pleading: 'If you let me come back I'll be like a wild animal in bed again.'" [The Sun]
• Eighteen years after winning an Oscar in Silence Of The Lambs, Sir Anthony Hopkins will play Hannibal Lecter again. Will Cate Blanchett play the FBI agent? [Daily Express]
• The Jonas Brothers have postponed shows in Mexico because of the swine flu. [Reuters]
• This article has interesting details about Steven Soderbergh's new film, The Girlfriend Experience; some scenes were improvised: "For instance, a scene where Mr. Santos's character interviews for a job at a gym was done in a single take. Mr. Soderbergh says he simply set up two cameras and instructed Mr. Santos and the gym's actual manager to do a mock interview. 'I just said, 'try and get a job from this guy. See if you can convince him to give you a job.' The exchange lasted about eight minutes, and was edited down to a one minute scene in the final version of the film. 'My experience has been, the more takes you do, the worse it gets,' says Mr. Soderbergh." [WSJ]
• California health regulators have fined the hospital where employees snooped in the medical records of Nadya Suleman, to the tune of $250,000. [LA Times]
• Erin Lucas, who is Whitney Port's BFF on The City, is talking shit about Kristin Cavallari, new star of The Hills. Lauren is such a genuine girl. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she was real with the whole thing. I don't think Kristin is on that level. Wasn't Kristin like all gung-ho about being an actress? I mean, I read interviews last week, for that matter, where she's quoted making fun of the show and trashing it and saying she would never be a part of it. So to go from trashing a show, to go on and replace the girl you fucked over in high school…I don't see it going anywhere pretty." And who are you again? [E!]
• Lyrics from Peaches (not Geldof — electro Peaches!): "I drink a whiskey neat/You lick my crow's feet/Coming up to see me like I was Mae West/less like Tina/but I'm simply the best/Call me Robyn Cradel/baby baby be my guest." In this interview, she says: "I'm going to make aging cool." [NY Daily News]
• Holly Madison will replace Kelly Monaco in the "sultry" Las Vegas revue, Peepshow, which Mel B. also appears in. Although there are topless dancers in the show, neither Mel nor Holly will be barechested. [People]
• "Why George Harrison begged one young fan to stop throwing Jelly Babies at The Beatles." [Daily Mail]
• Farrah Fawcett loves Van Morrison, so the musician filmed his recent shows so he could give copies to Fawcett to watch while she's home in bed, fighting cancer. [E!]
• "Farrah's Story is as much about becoming aware of our own mortality as it is seeing a cultural icon fight the disease." [MSNBC]
• Even though they have been together for nearly 20 years, Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett never got married, but he says he would do it now: "She's still a little bit hesitant. I'm working though, I'm working." [Mirror]
• Ryan O'Neal says of Farrah: "I kind of wish that she would go to sleep, just go to sleep. It's not my right, but I just don't see how she could be happy." [NY Daily News]
• Candy Spelling has known Farrah Fawcett for over 30 years — Aaron Spelling produced Charlie's Angels — and Candy says of Farrah Fawcett's cancer: "When I first heard, I don't know if it was a year or two years ago when we first heard, and I contacted her. I hadn't talked to her in a while. She said, 'I'm going to be alright, Candy. Everything is going to be all right.'" [CNN]
• Anna Friel of Pushing Daisies will play Holly Golightly in a new stage adaptation of Breakfast At Tiffany's in London. [Variety]
• Blind item! "Which troubled young starlet was caught doing lines with her new bestie at a hot NYC club?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I probably haven't worn my heart on my sleeve like this since the second Cranberries album." — Dolores O'Riordan. [USA Today]
• "I wasn't intending to do a popular television series. I was intending to do film and theatre. I got waylaid a little. Since that's over, I've got back to doing what I originally intended to do." — Gillian Anderson, whom you may know as Dana Scully, but who is starring in A Doll's House on the stage in London. [Daily Express]
• "I really believe on a daily basis that there's a line of communication between me and my dogs which we haven't defined yet. I really talk to them. And I also talk to my guinea pig, Mr James, every single morning. I sit and watch him on that wheel every day, trying to answer the question that is: 'Do they do it for exercise? Or do they think they're going to reach a destination?' Because that's a terrible metaphor for all of us. Because that's all life is perhaps? Nobody is gonna tell you the truth like I do." — Dustin Hoffman. [Independent]
• "I think Dan Brown is a terribly bad writer, but he has cliffhangers after every chapter which makes you continue reading. It's like eating peanuts at a bar. You don't like them, but you keep on eating them anyway." — Stellan Skarsgard, who only took a park in Angels & Demons because the script was different from the book. [Newser via AP]
• "To me, 10 o'clock is like the new 11:30. I hear more and more people, even young people, say 'I can't stay up past 11. I car pool, I gotta get up at 6.'" — Jay Leno. [CNN]
• "He always had the most ridiculous fashion. When it came to hairstyles he would have blow-dried hair like the Bay City rollers, then an awful perm. When he was 14 he tried to grow a moustache." — Simon Cowell's brother Nicholas. [The Sun]
• "Her boyfriend Tony Romo is one of my favourite quarterbacks. So I felt kinda conflicted doing the Jessica thing. Jessica got fat. I mean, not really fat, but she certainly got fat for, well, Jessica Simpson. I've always wanted people to be able to look at each video and go 'oh remember what was going on at that moment.' You know what I mean? 'Oh, that's when Jessica Simpson got fat, oh OK.' And even if she gets thin again, that's fine. Just for that moment in time, she was fat." — Eminem. [Mirror]
• "People were telling me, 'Christian, you're too good for Terminator.' And I'm thinking, I'm too good? I'm not a snob. I really fucking enjoy watching a good action movie. Who do you think I am?!'' — Christian Bale. [EW]
• "Being a mom makes me feel whole and like I understand the meaning of life." — Rebecca Romijn, to In Style. [People]

[Louisville, KY. May 2. Image via Getty.]

• As you'll recall, Shia LaBeouf injured his hand in a car crash in July 2008. He says: "I'll never be back to 100 percent or have full recovery." And:

"I can't zipper my zipper or button my shirt without extreme pain. But I chalk it up as my own s—-. These things had to happen. This accident is what I needed in my life. I'm not in control. For the first time, I can admit that and know that. I'm a fallible individual, and the hand is like a tattoo that says MISTAKE. It's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life." [People via Playboy]

• "When I first started the role of Wolverine, back for the first X-Men movie, I watched a lot of Mike Tyson videos in my trailer," says Hugh Jackman."The way he just goes straight in. I kept saying to the writers, 'Don't give me long, choreographed fights for the sake of it. Don't make the fights pretty.' Like Tyson, if Wolverine wants to take your . . . head off, he's going to do it." [LA Times]
• Even though Tyra Banks' stalker was found guilty, he won't go to jail: He'll "get help" for his "unhealthy obsession." [NY Daily News, NY Post]
• Madonna is not leaving her kids with Guy Ritchie while she tours this summer in Europe. She Twittered: "They go where I go." [Perez, The Star]
• Michael Jackson is afraid to fly to the UK because he's terrified of SWINE FLU. [Telegraph]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: When Chris Brown calls her producer looking for her, Rihanna says, "Tell him I'm not here." [OK!]
• Lindsay Lohan is being painted as "desperate" and "crafty": She has arranged to be in London next month at the same time as Samantha Ronson. LL will be doing a shoot for British Vogue; Sam is headed to do a series of DJ gigs. [Daily Mail]
• This report claims that Lindsay Lohan is such a train wreck, Harry Morton, who dated her 3 years ago about bought her an engagement ring, now sorta denies it: "I didn't really date her . . . I really didn't," the Hard Rock Café heir says. "It's embarrassing being known for that. I'd like to be known for stuff I've created or things I've done. I don't want to be known for that. No way." [Page Six]
• Andy Samberg once found $5,000 extra in his bank account. He assumed it was an error. After four months, nothing happened, so he kept it. [Gatecrasher]
• Nadya Suleman, mother of octuplets, is adding to her posse of little mouths to feed: She's getting a shih tzu. [MSNBC]
• Sandra Bullock is being inducted into the Warren Easton High School hall of fame later this month. She's donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to the Louisiana school since Katrina ravaged the area in 2005. A spokesman from the school says: "Sandra did not attend Warren Easton High School, but we proudly claim her as one of our own." [Daily Express]
• Sad face: Singer Kelis, who is 7 months pregnant, has filed for divorce from her husband, the rapper Nas. [TMZ, People, NY Daily News]
• Q.You play the villain Nero in Star Trek. How would he fare against another bad guy you've played, Chopper? In a steel cage match, who wins? Eric Bana: Ohhh, goodness. Well...I'll say Chopper. [Laughs] But who knows? [EW]
• Hayden Panettiere has auditioned to be Chace Crawford's leading lady in the Footloose remake. They're both so large eyed and pretty, it's gonna be tough to focus on the singing and dancing. Oh, yeah, the movie is a full-blown musical. [E!]
• It's hard to even read this story without bursting into laughter at the picture of Robert Pattinson in his Dali moustache. And then the headline has the words "gay sex scenes." LOL. [LA Times]
• Kanye West's new book, Thank You And You're Welcome, is out now. Here is a snippet: "Love your haters. They're your biggest fans!" And: "Never complain without offering a solution! I'm often seen as complaining in situations when I lose. I see it more as an explanation of why I should have won." [Men.Style.com]
• Ousted ANTM contestant Fo (my fave!) is pissed that she was sent home: "Honestly, I don't want to sound too bitchy or catty, but I do think Celia [Ammerman] should've gone home before me, or instead of me, because I can put on a pair of six-inch heels and be tall, [but she] can't change. Age isn't something you can drastically change." [E!]
• Roman Polanski has not taken any steps to surrender next week: He's due in US court if he wants his case examined, but if he sets foot on US soil, he faces immediate arrest as a fugitive. He has not contacted the court or the LA County Sheriff's Dept. [LA Times]
• "Rebecca Romijn Lost 60 Lbs. after Twins – Without Exercise!" [People]
• Jada Pinkett returns to TV for the first time since the '90s with a TNT show HawthoRNe, in which she plays a hospital nursing director. [USA Today]
• Real Housewives gossip: Jill Zarin was "acting like a total nightmare" in a high-end boutique. [Page Six]
• Mary-Kate Olsen's boyfriend, Nate Lowman, has created a piece of art which mocks Lizze Grubman's SUV accident, an its in the MOMA. Grubman says: "I don't understand how a picture of me during a tragic time in my life can be considered art." [Page Six]
• Jim Carrey is in talks to star in The Beaver, a flick which "enters on the relationship between a man and a beaver puppet he wears on his arm, which he talks to and treats as a companion." [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Here's video of Johnny Knoxville discussing the documentary he produced, The Wild And Wonderful Whites Of West Virginia. The Whites are a family known for wreaking havoc. [NY Times]
• A newspaper in NJ is mad that Jay Leno made fun of their headlines: Page on claimed "School taxes going up" and page two's headline was "School Taxes Going Down." A spokesperson for the paper said: "Apparently Jay and the NBC folks didn't bother to read the actual stories, and instead got a great laugh out of what they thought was some kind of hilarious blunder on our part. Two different school districts. Two different tax situations. Is it really that complicated?" [Poynter]
• Miranda Kerr is not engaged to Orlando Bloom or publicly trying to get pregnant, but she was pestered by a reporter into saying that she eventually wants kids. Then she was asked about Heidi Klum's pregnancy. [E!]
• "It looks like Linda Hogan isn't the only thing her 19-year-old boyfriend is allowed to ride — a judge just blocked the Hulkster's attempt to keep the youngster from driving his cars too." You stay classy, TMZ. [TMZ]
• Farrah Fawcett's son Redmond O'Neal will enter rehab instead of going to jail. [People]
• Leonard Nimoy will receive a "special gong" at this year's Saturn Awards, given out by the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror Films. [Mirror]
• Trivia! Elliott Gould is the only non-Muppet actor to be in two separate Muppet movies. [BlackBook]
• Blind item! "Which closeted TV icon should be more careful about whom he dates? He has been squiring an infamous gay bartender around town, and everyone's noticing." [Gatecrasher]
• "Everybody has a little mischief in them - I do. I like to live on the edge a little bit, and other times I think I'm boring and passive like everybody else. I've been working 15 months straight, so these days I feel like all I can do is have a day at work and then go to bed." — Ryan Reynolds. [Mirror]
• "I've been very fortunate to get to know both Schreiber brothers very well." — Carla Gugino, who has done nude scenes with both Pablo and Liev Schreiber. [NY Mag]
• "If you ever catch your present girlfriend at a sex shop with her two ex-boyfriends and they're examining dildos, she's not the right one for you." — Breckin Meyer. [GQ]
• "All these random little stories become someway, somehow newsworthy, so you have to be very secretive about everything." — Robert Pattinson. [E!]
• "I think that my song selections are a little more hip. I know they're more uptempo. They're funky, they're sassy, they've got attitude." — Reba McEntire, who says last year's tour with Kelly Clarkson changed her perspective. [USA Today]
• "I loved rock'n'roll but there's got to be something behind the rock'n'roll. There had to be. We found, of course, that it was the blues. And, therefore, if you really want to learn the basics, then you've got to do some homework. We all felt there was a certain gap in our education, so we all scrambled back to the 20s and 30s to figure out how Charlie Patton did this, or Robert Johnson, who, after all, was and still probably is the supremo. Blues didn't just mean doing one thing or another — there was a lot of room to manoeuvre around the blues." — Keith Richards. [Guardian]
• "It's been two years since I washed my hair." — Prince Harry. [The Sun]
• From Heidi Montag's Twitter: "im so sad to leave mexico! im ready to get out of the pig flue country though… We landed!! Now I am just praying for health!" Also, she thanks God for her "soul mate," Spencer. [People, HeidiMontag's Twitter]
• "When I was four, my dad was performing with Aretha Franklin and, even though he made sure I was backstage with the nanny, I wanted to get up there and dance so much that I ran on to the stage. I was passed around all these great artists and Aretha held on to me so tight. All I wanted to do was entertain." — Miley Cyrus. [Daily Mail]
• "It's interesting, the older I get the younger they get. When I was younger they were all 50 and 60. I'm going to stop there though. I'm heading into dangerous territory if I get any younger." — Michelle Pfeiffer, on her costars. [Daily Express]
• "I'm trying to get [two-year-old son] Kingston to listen to the No Doubt records. He didn't know the No Doubt records, so now I'm forcing him to listen to them, and I think he's going to get into it if I can get him to stop listening to Miley Cyrus. He's listening to the Disney Channel a lot. But I think [nine-month-old son] Zuma is more of a No Doubt fan than King is." — Gwen Stefani. [Mirror via MTV]

• Gwyneth Paltrow has advice for Joaquin Phoenix, who's embarking on a new hip-hop career. She says, "Hmm ... maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity." [People]

• Britney Spears will perform a duet with Madonna for the Circus tour on Monday in New York. Brit's stylist says, "It will be ‘Get Together' and ‘Trouble.' So, together the song is called ‘Lose Control.'" [Just Jared]
• Celebrity bikini waxer Janea Padilha, who has tended to the nether regions of Gwyneth Paltrow, Lindsay Lohan, and Cameron Diaz, has sold a lifestyle book "on love, life, and being sexy." [The New York Observer]
• The warrant issued for Lindsay Lohan's arrest was recalled today after her lawyer met briefly with a judge. Apparently Linds was skipping out on her alcohol education program because of "personality conflicts," and has enrolled in a new class. [TMZ]
• Michael Lohan told a Canadian radio station that he was so concerned to hear his daughter Lindsay Lohan had another fight with girlfriend Samantha Ronson he "laid in bed all night reading his Bible." He also said that Lindsay showed up on Jack Nicholson's doorstep in the middle of the night this weekend because Jack was trying to help her. [Perez Hilton]
• As you probably don't recall, Paris Hilton's cell phone was stolen in 2005. It finally turned up on Craigslist. Hotel manager Marc Marrouche was arrested on March 5 after offering to sell an undercover cop the phone for $5,000. [Perez Hilton]
• A source says Rihanna is eager to move on with her life. "She's out and about now. She's not hiding at this point. She's trying to get her life back in order." The source adds, "She's trying to figure it all out. It's going to be hard." [People]
• Anna Nicole Smith's psychiatrist, Dr. Khristine Eroshevich, one of the three people accused of conspiring to give Smith illegal drugs, was put in jail today. Her bail is set at $20,000. [TMZ]
• Kanye West says that his girlfriend Amber Rose used to be a stripper but he saved her. [Perez Hitlon]
• Jessica Simpson forgot the words to two songs at a concert on Saturday. [Perez Hilton]
• In this video, Pete Wentz drinks his own urine. We don't want to know why. [Perez Hilton]
• Producers of the next James Bond movie say they're considering Jennifer Aniston for a role, after she announced she wants to be a Bond girl. A source at the production company says: "We're always looking for the next Bond girl. She has to be beautiful but she also needs to have brains. It helps if she's athletic and able to keep up with the intense stunt work a Bond movie demands. Jennifer has all these qualities." [Mirror]
• Sacha Baron Cohen showed an audience 20 minutes of his upcoming movie Bruno. Here's a description of the scenes, including Bruno telling an African-American audience that the black child he adopts with his same-sex partner "has a traditional African name: O.J." [The Wrap]
• In this video Jackie Mason says he's not a racist for calling Barack Obama a "schwartza" which means "black" in Yiddish but may or may not be an ethnic slur. He adds, "white people have no freedom of speech." [TMZ]
• The 2009 MTV Movie Awards will be hosted by Andy Samberg. The show airs on May 31. [Entertainment Tonight]
• The midwife who delivered J.K. Rowling's two youngest children is being tried for misconduct after a baby died while under her care. [The Telegraph]
• Tupac Shakur's mother, Afeni Shakur, is planning to sue a production company over the rights to a proposed film about her son's life. [NY Times]
• Danny Masterson and Bijou Phillips are engaged. [People]
• Mena Suvari is having her wedding gown customized to hide her tattoos to please the family of her fiance, Simone Sestito. "I think it would be considerate to [Sestito's] family to have my tattoos covered, since there are two nuns on his mother's side of the family." [The Daily Express]
• Rumors that Mariska Hargitay isn't returning to Law & Order: Special Victims Unit because of her collapsed lung aren't true. SVU boss Neal Baer says, "That [report] is so bizarre! Her publicist was saying that this is going around, but the answer is absolutely not true! She will be back shortly. I talk to her all the time. She's doing great, so you can be the first to announce that there is no truth to this. She is slated to come back, she's feeling really well and she will definitely be back. And she'll be back for the last four episodes." [E!]
• Aspiring America's Next Top Model contestant Jessica Paravati says the stampede at the audition this weekend broke out when she saw smoke at the back of the line and she heard people started screaming "bomb" and "guns." She adds, "As the stampede started girls were screaming for their life and people started crying as they were falling all over the ground and running on top of each other trying to jump over the barricades. I was screaming too. I was so scared. I've never seen anything like it. We were trapped." [People]
• Salma Hayek is on the cover of InStyle's April "color issue." She says of here daughter Valentina Paloma, "She's a little dictator! She is unique, magical–definitely the most colorful person I've ever met. I feel so connected to her, but at the same time, we are completely different. I discover something new about her every day." [Just Jared]
• Taylor Swift doesn't want to talk about sex. "It's fine to talk about love publicly," says Swift, "but I think when you talk about virginity and sex publicly, people just automatically picture you naked. And as much as I can prevent people picturing me naked, I'm going to." [People]
• Matt Damon says that he thinks the Oscars get it wrong more often than they get it right. "I think that the best way to judge movies is, like, 10 years after they're released," he says. "I think they should actually do the awards that way. I think they should have done the Academy Awards this year for movies from 1998." [The L.A. Times]
• George Harrison's 30-year-old son Dhani is now in a band, but he went to Brown University for design, not music, because he wanted to forge his own path. He says "I watched what happened to a lot of the other kids. Zak [Starkey, Ringo Starr's son], Sean [Lenno]), Stella [McCartney] have succeeded, but it's Stella who's the one who's not being compared to her father, because her father's not a fashion designer. Whereas Zak will always be compared to Ringo because he's a drummer. And Sean will be compared to John because he's a singer/songwriter. But my dad was never a designer." [The Daily Express]
• Kanye West has finally revealed THE SECRET METHOD TO HIS BLOGGING. He says: "I have two people that I hired and I tell them exactly what I want - it's just like how a designer would work. I tell them, you know, Surface magazine, Wallpaper, Architectural Digest, Hypebeast, Bossip - go to these different blogs and keep on pulling information. And then they send it to me, and I get like 80 e-mails, and I have to check and go through them. And sometimes I'll have my own stuff where I'll just be in a cool place, like if I had my camera right now, I'd like photograph this stuff and go home and be really excited to blog it. You know, cause I'm in cool places all the time. So it's a great outlet, and I'm glad so many people are reacting to it. And it's another opportunity to present design and my opinion of the world and what I think is cool." [NY Mag]

JASON: Good morning, sunshine.

MEGAN: Harrumph. My mother used to mock me in the mornings like that when I lived at home.

JASON: I'm sure your mother didn't see it as mocking you.

MEGAN: No, you haven't met my parents, mocking one another's foibles is part of our deal. We tend to talk a lot about my father's bathroom habits, too.

JASON: The whole Carpentier family coat-of-arms must be disturbing to look at!

MEGAN: Holidays are fun in my house. One year, after chili was consumed, we forced my father to fart outside, only it was so cold that when he went out there his asshole puckered up too tight to squeeze it out. We still tell that story with glee.

JASON: Wow. Now if that doesn't read like the lost verse of the Little Drummer Boy! "My asshole is frozen shut, pa-rump-pump-pump-pum!"

MEGAN: The real problem is finding a news story to tie to that, which I'm at a loss for, so I'm just going to embed "Jizz in My Pants" at this moment, which is what prompted all my scatological Christmas memories.

Which reminded me of my friend ****, who about 10 years ago around this time told me how he did that exact same thing over Thanksgiving break at a strip club in front of all his friends. And, finally, I can embed a news story. Indian authorities are making the Mumbai terrorist parade around in nothing but his undies to prevent him from killing himself. I'm assuming that, if he were like my friend, keeping him in his underwear might actually provoke suicide.

JASON: "Jizz In My Pants" will be the first single from INCREDIBAD, by Andy Samberg's old comedy group, The Lonely Island, who are the people behind the SNL Digital Shorts.

MEGAN: For whatever reason, I read "Lonely Island" as "Long Island," but that might be because that's from whence my quick-to-the-draw friend hails.

JASON: Look, I'm just glad that someone has a definition of "extreme lengths" that stops at "making him wear nothing but underwear" and doesn't involve the sort of things that make Mike Mukasey jizz in his pants. "I hook electrodes, to a brown man's balls and I JIZZ IN MY PANTS."

MEGAN: You know whom else I'm betting lets loose with a couple of teaspoons-full now and again? Michael Chertoff, when he's listening to illegal wiretap tapes. Also, a ton of liberals when Bush said "Welcome to my hanging" this weekend.

JASON: Oh, no doubt. Though Chertoff mostly spews graveyard dust out of his dessicated ghoul-cock. You know Chertoff is a guy that Baby Jesus hates the most. "Waaah. Living-dead abomination! Jizzing graveyeard dust!"

MEGAN: He is, without a doubt, the creepiest-looking guy in Washington. You'd think that he'd look less creepy in person, that maybe it's the TV lights or something. But, no. He really does look exactly that frightening.

JASON: Yeah. And you know, he's not scary-looking? Like we don't even get any sort of terrorist deterrence out of the fact that he's the creepiest fuck in the world. He'd actually be better off if he drew a mad face on a paper bag and wore it around Washington. I guess after Obama takes office it's back to the Jim Rose Sideshow with that guy!

MEGAN: Nah, his wife might get mad if he wore it outside of the bedroom.

JASON: Does he have a wife? I naturally assumed the man fucked mummies, like Dick Morris.

MEGAN: Looking like Chertoff does have it's advantages, though. Like, he always has a Halloween costume. I mean, who does a better Holocaust victim than Michael Chertoff, really?

JASON: OHHH!

MEGAN: Too soon?

JASON: No, no, this was inevitable! Of course, Janet Napolitano has all those qualities that Ed Rendell finds so fascinating.

MEGAN: Tits? Tell me Ed Rendell isn't a titty-fucker. Girls with big boobs recognize 'em a mile away.

JASON: He said: "Janet's perfect for that job. Because for that job, you have to have no life. Janet has no family. Perfect. She can devote, literally, 19-20 hours a day to it."

MEGAN: And, in context of titty-fucking, that statement becomes truly hilarious. If Ed Rendell had a bigger dick, I'd say she'd need a chin guard to prevent bruising. But he doesn't, so I won't. 19-20 hours, though, he'd' best buy stock in Astroglide.

JASON: It's important to point out, AGAIN, something I pointed out throughout the election. And that is that Ed Rendell is the dopiest dumbass in politics. I have no idea how this goober-fuck became Governor of Pennsylvania. It certainly doesn't speak well of Pennsylvanians, and I'm almost sad that Chris Matthews looks like he's gonna re-up at MSNBC, because the Pennsylvanians would have a good chance to prove just how inane they are by putting his dumb ass in the Senate.

MEGAN: Now, let's be fair. Rendell wouldn't even rank in the bottom 10 of dope-y Senators.

JASON: Well, he ranks well among Governors.

MEGAN: He might be number 11, sure, but I don't even think he's stellar enough at being a dumbfuck to rank that high in the Senate.

JASON: He's just such a side-splitting ass, and like Matthews, he's got all these pretensions of knowing what it's like to be working class.

MEGAN: Well, speaking of assholes who like to pretend they're down with the average Joe, Bill Jefferson finally lost re-election in Louisiana. To a Republican community organizer.

JASON: I feel like the Dems in Congress got lucky, there. Now they don't have to make excuses for why they never gave that shitheel Jefferson the mad shun when he was in office.

MEGAN: Nope, now they can focus on not talking about why they won't do anything about Corruption King Charlie Rangel, whose stupefying corruption in office makes Jefferson's bribes seem tame by comparison.

JASON: His legislative director was named one of The Hill's Fifty Most Beautiful People in 2008. They said she had "a mysterious kind of beauty - the kind that unfolds by the minute." I said, "But she works for Louisiana Representative William Jefferson, so hidden in those folds are thousands of dollars in bribes." Yeah, they like, uncover something new and shady about ol' Charlie everyday, don't they? He's become an embarrassment, too.

MEGAN: It's sad, actually, some of his staff were really, really good and they all got completely fucked by his bribe-schemes. Hell, even his colleagues he worked with on African Growth and Opportunity Act (AGOA) saw their accomplishments tarnished by Jefferson's use of the act to gin up money for himself and his relatives.

JASON: Yep. For the 300,000 people applying to put the change in change.gov, I recommend you vet your prospective boss at least as thoroughly as they're vetting you.

MEGAN: Charlie Rangel is beyond embarrassing. You have the chairman of the committee in charge of taxation — including a push to close the tax gap, i.e., reduce cheating — cheating on his fucking taxes. Let alone keeping multi-million dollars in tax breaks afloat for big donors to his library, let alone hitting up every lobbyist in his office for said donations. Let alone using affordable housing units for his offices to avoid having to put his Harlem office in a less ritzy part of Harlem when there's a crisis in affordable housing in New York City.

JASON: I mean, take a walk through his Wikipedia page, and it's a long list of embarrassing offenses. He's probably got one of the safest seats in the goddamn world, though.

MEGAN: Charlie Rangel puts Dollar Bill Jefferson's penny-ante "pay me money and I'll introduce you to African dictators" scheme to shame. But, yeah, he's not going anywhere in his district. And I guarantee the "Ethics" Committee's "investigation" will result in a light tap on the wrist — the kind these very Democrats castigated them for when they did it to Tom DeLay — and they'll hope everyone forgets about it.

JASON: They need to find his fridge full of money.

MEGAN: Bitch, please. Charlie Rangel's probably got it in the floorboards of his house in the Dominican Republic. Too bad you can't ask his wife, since he halted their divorce so she couldn't testify.

JASON: True that. Look, this is why I tell people: send your incumbents home! This is what happens when people never lose their seats, ever. Give them a taste of that undeserved immortality...

MEGAN: Another thing to tell people: do not make Fran Drescher the Senator from New York.

JASON: OY. Whatever the opposite of jizzing in my pants is, I just did it.

MEGAN: Well, then, the thought of George Bush kissing Barbra Streisand can't make it any worse.

JASON: Yep. Basically, my left ball is now off on a merry adventure in my bowels.

MEGAN: Hopefully, it will re-emerge by the time your extremely cute wife gets home from work. Otherwise, please apologize to her from me. I don't try to ruin other women's sex lives.

JASON: Hey, he'll just re-emerge stronger.

MEGAN: Is it weird that I'm having a vision of a Lemmiwinks-like quest for your nut?

JASON: Yes. Yes it is.

MEGAN: Sorry. It's been that kind of morning. I just hope you don't cough it up.

JASON: I'm just going to remember touching Kate Beckinsale last week, and I'll be fine.

• OMG remember Efraim Diveroli, the 22-year-old Andy Samberg lookalike from Miami with the $300 million defense contract to sell ancient Chinese ammunition to the Afghan insurgency via Albania? Apparently the US Ambassador was involved in covering up the scam, probably because Efraim was also Albania's leading supply of whores. [NYT]
• And speaking of…people we haven't thought about in a few months, Ashley Alexandra Dupre updated her MySpace! [People]
• 92% of Americans believe in God or something Godlike that doesn't sound quite as lame. But there are ways to combat this! 10% of people raised without religion describe themselves as atheists, and that likelihood goes even higher if you raise your kids Jewish. [LA Times]
• Rich people are actually less happy because they spend so much time doing the unpleasant things required to become rich, such as laying people off and outsourcing business functions to Bangladesh and actually like "working." [Washington Post]

• It's one thing to hope for another terror attack when you're among friends but when you're a McCain adviser talking to a reporter from a major national magazine you're going to get some shit. [TIME]
• That discount retail chain that brought the world the Sarah Jessica Parker clothing line is badly needs $30 million quick, I know you feel soooo bad for them. [WSJ]
• Why I love this country: when a candidate breaks a promise that was a centerpiece of his early base of support because, after all, all the late-adopters to the cause wouldn't be giving him so much money if they expected him to give it back, we call that bad for the "brand." [ABC News]
• The Economist discusses plans for a 100% Ron Paul supporter-occupied residential community in a story that invited me to wonder what it would be like if there was a 100% Jezebel commenter-occupied compound. Would you guys have a sex shrine like the Mormons? Would SinisterRouge be the first evicted? Would I, like Ron Paul, be afraid to visit? [Economist]
• America might try to open an "interest center" — sort of like an Embassy popup store, or an Embassy Lite — in Tehran, which I think is a good idea as long as they still get to sell alcohol. [Wash Post]
• Morgan Tsvangirai is hiding out at the Dutch Embassy and everyone else involved on the anti-Mugabe side of Zimbabwe's little flirtation with "democracy" got arrested so I guess that's the end of that. [Washington Post]

[LAX, May 22. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

[LAX, April 29. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• The mother of singer Brandy Norwood says that when Kim Kardashian was a stylist, she made unauthorized purchases on Brandy's credit card (and gave the card number to her siblings!), racking up over $120,000 in charges. Hey, bandage dresses ain't cheap! [People]
  
• In Britney news, the lawyer her father has retained tried to issue a restraining order against Sam Lutfi, but Lutfi wouldn't open the door. [TMZ]
  
• Her father wants the lawyers representing Britney in her custody battle — the firm of Trope and Trope — off the case, since they have a good relationship with Sam Lutfi. [TMZ]
  
• It seems that Lutfi spoke to Britney over the weekend, even though that violates the restraining order. [People]
  
• This UK paper is reporting that Britney is in a padded room, and Adnan can't get in to visit her. [The Sun]
  
• A court-ordered psychiatrist will examine Britney to determine if she understands the legal proceedings she is involved in. The court will decide how much longer her assets will remain under the temporary control of her father. [Reuters]

• Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears wants to move from Louisiana to L.A. — away from her mother. [MSNBC]
• Andy Samberg and musician Joanna Newsom: It's on. Didn't know Andy had a girlfriend, sniff! [PageSix.com]
• Patrick Swayze had "serious gastro-intestinal" surgery over the weekend; a source says he is recovering. He'll live to dirty dance again! [PageSix.com]
• Jerry Hall is the "Global Ambassador" for Levitra? Mick Jagger's ex is touring the world encouraging women to talk about erectile dysfunction. Shudder. [PageSix.com]
• Mariah Carey was uncomfortable getting "uglied up" for her role in new flick Tennessee. She doesn't look so bad on the poster — doesn't she know what de-glamming did for Charlize Theron? [Gatecrasher]
• Blind item! "Which husband of a daytime TV fixture - who has been in trouble for his proclivities before - has lately been patronizing a midtown dungeon?" [Gatecrasher]
• Michael Jackson will appear onstage at the Grammy awards this weekend. You know you wanna know what he looks like. [Rush & Molloy]
• Entourage star Kevin Connolly: Seen grinding on the dance floor with Laguna Beach alum Kristin Cavallari. Hollywood is such a merry-go-round. [Rush & Molloy]
• Justin Timberlake in the doghouse with Jessica Biel? After rumors surfaced that he made out with Kate Hudson and some other chick, she feels she can't trust him. Or so says a source. [MSNBC]
• Actress Shell Kepler, who played gossipy nurse Amy Vining on General Hospital for years, has died, though the cause of death is unknown. She was 49. [AP]
• It's not unusual? Kitschy singer Tom Jones has insured his chest hair for £3.5 million. Rowr! [Mirror]
• George Clooney says Hollywood has lost its sparkle: He places the glory years between 1964 and 1976, with films made by Stanley Kubrick, Francis Ford Coppola, Martin Scorsese, Alan J. Pakula and Sidney Lumet. "They don't make those films anymore," he sighs. Poor Georgie. [Telegraph]
• Heath Ledger's family is back home in Australia, preparing for the funeral later this week. Heath will be buried in the family plot, near his grandparents. [News.com.au]
• Meanwhile, the inhabitants of Heath's hometown of Perth, Australia are not happy about all the drug rumors. "If a person dies, let him go in peace," one woman says. [Yahoo News]
• PETA is not happy that Lindsay Lohan has been wearing fur. Will she join Mary-Kate and Ashley as a major target? [PETA2]
• It was reported that Gisele said she would run naked through Times Square if the Giants beat boyfriend Tom Brady's Patriots in the Super Bowl. Her agent claims she never said it and asks, "What's wrong with the world?" Um, people want to see Gisele naked, is that wrong? [People]
• Oooh, a preview of Kanye West's book! It's filled with Kanye-isms like "Be leery of the free gift bag" and "When you're so focused on what you don't have — you won't have." Nothing about walking around in shutter-lensed glasses, but it sounds fun. [LA Times]
• Diddy is dredging up his voting initiative from 2004, but instead of "Vote or Die" he's just saying "Go vote." Sean John Combs adds, "If we want to stop the war, if we want to get the economy better, I think that young people need to understand they have to take matters into their own hands." He doesn't endorse a candidate but calls the race "exciting." [USA Today]
• Avril Lavigne was holding auditions for backup dancers but canceled plans after reports that she pays below the standard industry rate. Avril, a cheapsk8? [Perez Hilton]