When Hilton appeared last week on The Howard Stern Show, he accused Handler (not for the first time) of having surgery to reduce the size of her labia. In this short clip, Hilton manages to insult both Handler and Lauren Conrad's "lady bits" , telling Chelsea that if she has undergone cosmetic surgery on her reproductive organs, she could be a "role model to women, if you were open about it." Handler ended the discussion by pulling out her cloth vagina, and saying the only real thing you can say to all this crap: "at least it's something to talk about."

In the clip at left, Ferguson talks with Sedaris about the benefits of "Vitamin P," why it's more fun to be a '50s housewife without a husband, and how seeing his sister's Barbies naked was bad preparation for seeing a real naked woman.

In order to quench readers' insatiable thirst for gossip, we've decided to try an evening edition of the much-beloved Dirt Bag. Now you won't have to wait for morning to find out the latest celebrity news. Welcome to the swirling, sleazy disco ball of "Dirt Bag After Dark". 18 to enter and 21 to drink, ladies!

• Debra Messing was sad when tabloids were talking smack about her post-baby body. "On one page it showed all the actresses who got skinny in six weeks or less, and on the other page was me! I was so depressed and frustrated," she says. But now Debs is happy because she's skinny again! "I've finally taken ownership of my body." [People]
• Former sexiest man alive George Clooney is fake-sad about passing the sexy mantle Hugh Jackman. Hugh says George called him up at 2 am and "He goes, 'Shut up, Jackman!'…I know what you did! You started this big campaign that's been going on and [you] took the title away from me.'" Clooney vs. Jackman? That is one cat fight we would pay money to see. [People]
• Kim Ledger accepted GQ's actor of the year award in honor of Heath. He called Heath a "beautiful boy" and took the award on behalf "his little one Matilda and our family." [Daily Telegraph]

• Shock of all shocks, Perez Hilton is claiming the Speidi marriage was staged by Us and is probably not legal. You don't say! [Perez]
• Beyonce says that watching her sister Solange give birth made her reconsider having babies: "I was there in the delivery room and it kind of traumatized me. I said please don't have me in the room. And she said, 'You have to. I'm your sister. Stop being so silly.' Well, I was right!" [People]
• The always-humble Kanye West says his new album is "great art." He also said that his most recent trip to the bathroom resulted in "great fart." He's so grandiose! [AP via Yahoo]
• Those of you who wanted to download all your fave Beatles hits on iTunes may have to wait a little longer. According to the BBC negotiations between Apple and the surviving Beatles are stalled. "We are very for it, we've been pushing it. But there are a couple of sticking points, I understand," Paul McCartney says. [BBC]
• Despite their public feuding, Rosie O'Donnell says that Barbara Walters is welcome on her new variety show. Who wouldn't want to share a stage with Rosie and Liza Minnelli? [ETOnline]
• Do you love Amy Sedaris enough to sit through a 6 hour PBS documentary just 'cause she's in it? You'll find out after Christmas, when she and Billy Crystal helm the docu-series Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America. [Fishbowl LA]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will be on the cover of the next issue of T, the New York Times style magazine. [NYM]
• Kate Winslet is in Parade mag this weekend and she talks about watching herself in Titanic years later. "I just love seeing those things. I am enjoying my face changing, as well as realizing that at the same time, as you get older, the machine isn’t as well-oiled as it was," she says. [Just Jared]
• Pete Wentz dishes on the origin of "Bronx Mowgli Simpson Wentz." According to E!, "We came up with the idea Bronx, we'd been throwing it back and forth a while ago… [as for the middle name] The Jungle Book is something me and Ashlee bonded over. It's really cool." [E! Online via Yahoo]
• Bad news for the Gyllenhaal parents: their divorce proceedings have revealed that Naomi Foner and Stephen Gyllenhaal are pretty much broke. Naomi, a screenwriter, was so financially embattled during the WGA strike that she had to take out a loan. Can't Jakey spare a dime?

The Good
Kristin Davis shone like a fancy piece of Hanukkah gelt.
Anna Wintour looks like my mom, which is awesome for my mom but...well, I guess it's awesome for Anna too.
Lorraine Bracco, aka the former Dr. Melfi, has a PhD in cute shoes.
The only thing missing from Cynthia Nixon's ensemble is her cute, ginger girlfriend.
I think Lydia Hearst looks great in what is probably Heatherette, although she didn't need the hippie necklace.
Oh Idina! You look lovely. Mazel Tov.
Perry Farrell looks like a God, as usual, and his lady-friend looks like a window display at Agent Provocateur. (Yes, that's good. We want more of that).
Amy Sedaris is a genius, and her outfit has a perfectly spring-appropriate color palette.
Check and mate! You done good SJP.

The Bad
Eli Manning? Don't mind if I do! But who's the lady in the confusing-print dress?
Kim Catrall's dress looks like it's doused in dollar bills.
I love that Lil Kim was there, but I don't love that she's wearing what looks like second-hand H&M.
I don't care for this dress on Michelle Williams. It's too, "Call Tina Knowles and get me something from the House of Dereon to wear to the Sex In The City premiere!"

The Ugly
Even Miss Piggy was there! (Joke, it's Nicole Forrester, who probably doesn't even know who Miss Piggy is).
Tranny? It's Tranny. It's Solid Gold Ferocia Tranny. It's Studio 54 via Project Runway Tranny. Tranny. (Sorry, that joke will never get old for me. Thanks, Amy Poehler).

[Images via Getty]

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson: Engaged??? Apparently she has a huge new rock on her finger. A source says, "He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional." Guess Owen's rough times are over? [The Sun]
  
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston spent another weekend together in Miami, eating salads poolside and making out. [People]
  
• Jenna Bush got married. [People]
  
• Dennis Farina was arrested at LAX for carrying a loaded, unregistered, .22 caliber, semi-automatic pistol in his briefcase. Farina is a former cop but, uh, you can't bring a gun on a plane. [Reuters]
  
• Hugh Hefner wants Miley Cyrus to pose for Playboy. When she's old enough. This is what happens. Don't you feel like weeping? [The Sun]
  
• Lindsay Lohan: Seen crying at Crown Bar in West Hollywood after a fight with girlfriend Sam Ronson, awwww. [Page Six]
  
• But LL was all smiles when she worked the crowd at the Wango Tango concert and introduced Snoop Dogg. When I say Wango you say Tango! [TMZ]

• Britain's "Most Annoying Couple," Katie Price (aka Jordan) and husband Peter Andre, are moving to the US. Prepare yourself! [Rush & Molloy]
• Leonardo di Caprio and his mom arrived at an art show via bicycle. Carbon footprint be damned! [Page Six]
• Bono celebrated his 48th birthday simply: With dinner, cake and champagne for 12 on Friday night. In attendance: Brad Pitt, Monaco's Prince Albert II and The Edge. So down to earth! [People]
• Gwyneth Paltrow and Mario Batali recently filmed a documentary series, Spain... On The Road Again in which they travel through España eating, cooking and sightseeing. The show will air on PBS in the fall but there's a preview here. Apparently the formerly macrobiotic Paltrow is a "really good eater." [People]
• Gwyneth may adopt her next child because being pregnant made her feel "like a zombie." She says, "I was so ill, everything disgusted me! I wasn't able to eat or smell anything." She says "an American oprhan" would be an option. Though she could copy her bff Madonna. [Mirror]
• Blind item! "Which executive producer and creator of two hit TV comedy series doesn't do his own work? Laments one insider: 'He's content to sit back and let everyone do the writing for him when they're supposed to be his shows.'" [Rush & Molloy]
• Suge Knight got in a fight at Hollywood nightclub and was knocked out cold for three minutes. [TMZ]
• Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were granted a preliminary divorce by a London judge, bringing us all one step closer to never having to hear about it again. [People]
• A chick won Survivor! [E!]
• Ellen turned 50 on January 26, but had a delayed celebration over the weekend due to the writers' strike. Her party was carnival and casino-themed and newlyweds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Tom Hanks, Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Foxx, Paris Hilton and Clive Davis were in attendance. [E!]
• Madonna had to travel 37 miles from her home in London to a concert in Kent, so she went via helicopter, of course. [Mirror]
• Plus: Madonna used the F word twice during the Radio 1 Big Weekend gig, which was being broadcast live on BBC3, BBC HD and Radio 1. Whoops! [The Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes baby-sat the Beckham boys while Posh went to London to work on her clothing line and David had a soccer game. [Mirror]
• Liz Hurley canceled a photo shoot for a vodka brand so now the rumor is that she is pregnant, sigh. [Mirror]
• David Sedaris once paid sister Amy 10¢ for a chicken leg at a family dinner when they were kids. [Page Six]
• Audrina Patridge of The Hills has joined the cast of Into The Blue 2, sequel to the Jessica Alba flick. Should be awesome. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Stop, drop, shut 'em down, open up shop: Cops raided the home of rapper DMX and he's been arrested (again) on suspicion of animal cruelty and drug possession. [Mirror]
• It's official: Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien on Late Night. Let the uncontrolled giggling begin! [NY Times]
• Hayden Panettiere has "lez lust" for Angelina Jolie. [The Sun]
• William Shatner is finally talking about his feud with Star Trek costar Leonard Nimoy: "He thought I was a real son of a bitch," Captain Kirk says. [Mirror]
• Neverland Ranch has been saved from foreclosure! Michael Jackson says that the property loan was sold to Colony Capital, a large real estate investment firm. [Reuters]
• Singer Neil Young has been honored by an East Carolina University biologist who discovered a new species of trapdoor spider and named it Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi. Neil: Mind if we bug you by saying congrats? [Reuters]
• Carrie Underwood was inducted into the Grand Ole Opry Saturday night. Membership to the Opry is invitation-only and based on the artist's commitment to the show and overall contribution to country music. So it's an honor. [E!
• Alanis Morissette hit "rock bottom" over the past two years due to "a personal unraveling of significant relationships in my life." But she used the rough patch to write songs for her new album, out in June. Plus: She's psyched to see the Sex And The City movie: "I will definitely be going to see that movie," enthused Morissette, who once guest-starred on the HBO series. "I'm the girl that would torture a few of my guy friends and bring them." [People]
• A David O. Russell political comedy starring Jessica Biel and Jake Gyllenhaal has been put on hold because of a "cash crunch," boo. [Deadline Hollywood]
• The father of American Idol contender David Archuleta is a meddler who has been banned from rehearsals. [AP]
• Justin Timberlake is executive producing an MTV show called The Phone. The series, based on a Dutch reality show, begins each episode with two hidden cell phones ringing at opposite ends of a major city. Contestants who answer the phones have five seconds to decide if they want to play along for a cash prize, and a guide on the other end of the line then gives contestants a mission to complete before time runs out. [Reuters]
• Jennie Garth will be on the 90210 spinoff! She'll play a guidance counselor at her alma mater. Eh, that would never happen. [USA Today]
• Ashton Kutcher once he met Demi he knew it was right. "I knew she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with," he said. "I am the happiliest — I think I just invented that word — married guy on the planet." [Reuters]
• Tom Cruise's probably craptastic Nazi movie has been delayed. Again. [Times of London]
• Heath Ledger's family is bracing as E! True Hollywood Story producers have begun to work on a "tribute" to the late actor and have flown to Australia to talk to Heath's school friends and former colleagues. [News.com.au]
• Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans are going through a rough patch and might hnot get married, sigh. [Daily Mail]
• Speed Racer crashed and burned at the box office. What a wreck. [E!]
• "I wish Halle [and the baby] all the happiness and success in the world, as that is what I'm experiencing at this point in my life." — Halle Berry's former hubby Eric Benet. [Rush & Molloy]
• "I tried to work in an office. Apparently, my clothes weren't right. I was a Gal Friday the 13th. I would answer phones and people would call up very upset. Then they'd call back screaming and yelling because I had to go to the file room and I would get sidetracked. I used to fall asleep reading the mail. I didn't want to. But it was so boring to me and I hated it." — Cyndi Lauper. [Newsweek]

[Vancouver, March 26. Image via Flynet]

Chicks With Schticks [Vanity Fair]
Who Says Women Aren't Funny? [Vanity Fair]

Dolly Parton, "Better Get To Livin'" [CMT]