The biggest misstep of the night was obviously Jennifer Lopez falling on her butt during her performance of her new song "Louboutins." Ironically, she wasn't in her Louboutins when she fell. (She changed into them later.)

Janet opened the evening with a medley of her greatest hits, and she did the "If" dance!

Then Paula Abdul came out to welcome everyone to the awards. But her mic wasn't on. Poor Paula. (She still sounds drunk to me.)

Rihanna's performance was kind of boring, although her costume did have lasers on it.

But Lady GaGa upstaged her and everyone else.

Still, the Queen of Hip-Hop Soul can't be outdone when it comes to facial expressions.

Whitney won International Artist of the Year, and she brought the house down.

She made Reba cry.

Bobbi Kris was proud.

I'm glad we have Whitney back to her old sweaty self.

Know what's great about Carrie Underwood's dress? You just know from sense memory that it feels like one of those Barbie gowns.


Don't worry, Selena Gomez, there's enough glitz to go around!


So, over the weekend I was considering the purchase of a pair of silk tap shorts. And the saleslady said to me, "the great thing is, when you can't decide between a skirt or pants, you reach for the shorts." Wonder if that was Chani Christie's process.


I like how Melissa Etheridge always puts just enough thought into her selections to make you think. Think about...life. And sequins.


Ah, the barber pole. The last refuge of a scoundrel.


Reba McIntyre may or may not have ridden here. Through a briar patch. Western-style, presumably.


Shakira looks adorable, is apparently going to walk through a Medieval town square filled with excrement for an audience with the king.


That's good: otherwise we might not have been sure where Kelly Clarkson's breasts were.


It's like Toni Braxton's leg is about to perform a Gypsy Rose Lee-style striptease.


What Phoebe Price has to do with American Music, I can't say. What she has to do with "never disappointing" is a lot.


Oh, but you know what's apparently over my head? Leona Lewis's dress.


Paula Abdul, once again, dressed for a ball that only she is attending. This may be genius. It may be tragic.


Rihanna's die-cut doily: the evening's most creative - and prettiest - look.


Is Alicia Keys' frock a) for a figure-skating engagement later in the evening b) a bet she lost c) Andy Kaufman-style performance art or, and I very much fear it's this, d) none of the above?


Kristen, psst...there's a strip missing from your dress. Oh, it's supposed to be like that? I'll just...walk over here. There's Val Kilmer. In a hat.


Remember those weird "toys" where there were a bunch of pins in a box and you stuck your hand or, if you were brave, your face in, and it sort of hurt, but at the end you had a really neat, ephemeral impression of it? Fergie does!


I'll say this for Bobby Trendy. He's gotten his picture up on Getty.

[Images via Getty]

[Los Angeles, November 22. Image via Getty.]

LOS ANGELES, CA - NOVEMBER 22: Singer Lady Gaga performs onstage at the 2009 American Music Awards at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live on November 22, 2009 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

Update: The one bright spot in this crap fest thus far has been Lady Gaga's performance, which is currently up on YouTube, though I doubt it will stay up for long:



And here's a clip of J-Lo falling in her Louboutins, which will probably be what people are talking about tomorrow:

The Good:
Alicia Keys looks classically elegant.


Christina Aguilera channels Jean Harlowe to good effect!


This may be controversial, but I think Miley looks cute and only a little mature!


Really digging on Rihanna's deconstructed Swan Lake!


Demi Lovato gets major points for being age appropriate!


I'm kind of developing an unwilling girl crush on Taylor Swift's style.


Not the best Jordin Sparks has ever looked, maybe, but the lady can wear yellow!


Is Rachel Zoe's dress way too big for her? Yes, but...okay, it's way too big.


The Bad:
NOT my favorite look on The Queen.


Say what you will about Brigitte Nielsen's ensemble, she works it!


I think Pink does bombshell well; I just wish this wasn't made from police tape.


Again, there is something almost very awesome about Candis Cayne's outfit. But the fit of the bodice eclipses this.


I think Nina Garcia would have a little something to say about the sloppy-looking finish on Ali Landry's frock!


The Bad:
Phoebe Price is restrained as ever...

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[Images via Getty]

The Good:
Alicia Keys exudes class and good taste while Christina Applegate brings new life to the color purple.

The Good...But:
Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus both look super cute. But aren't their dresses a little short given their ages? (Also, Hudgens is starting to bear an uncanny resemblance to early 90's Mariah Carey. Just saying.)

The Bad:
Rihanna's dress is wearing her, not the other way around and Avril Lavigne forgot it isn't Halloween and clearly came as Streetwalker Barbie.

Carrie Underwood is being slowly choked by her dress while Ashley Tisdale channels Mr. Roboto.

The Ugly:
Taylor Swift not only pairs cowboys boots with a cocktail dress, but wears sheer stocking to boot. (No pun attended.) Meanwhile, Fergie's neck is moments away from bearing stigmata.

Phoebe Prince and Kid Rock: No further explanation needed.