In the January 2010 issue of Cosmo, sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner reveals: "The bad economy is leaving a lot of guys without jobs, so they sit at home, bored, and start masturbating more often." Ladies should really police their man's masturbation habits more closely, since there's a good chance he's developing a "solo-sex problem" and will soon be unable to climax during intercourse because "a man's hand can provide a lot more friction than a vagina." So now in addition to other women, we have to fight our boyfriend's right hand to keep his attention?

Luckily, the magazine offers some tips for taking control of a relationship, including a four-page article on a wild new move called "girl on top." Or, you could,

Show him who's in charge with a flick of your wrist. Instead of just unbuckling his belt, grab the buckle and pull it fiercely from the loops. Then add a little flourish by snapping it like a whip before tossing it aside.

There are also 50 "fun ways to fire up your love," but we don't recommend you "gift him with a coloring book featuring you naked" or "emblazon a close-up of your bra-covered boobs and his boxer-clad package on mugs," unless you're willing to risk his mom accidentally pouring her tea into a boob cup when she visits. (Helpfully, Cosmo does include an article on "When You Want To Bitch-Slap His Mom.")

There's one woman who is exempt from all of Cosmo's relationship advice this month: Jason Mojica's girlfriend. When asked to describe what sex feels like for a man, the first thought that popped into her boyfriend's head was: "It feels as though my penis has come home, but after a home-makeover show has remade my home into the most amazing home ever." Lady, chronic masturbation is the least of your worries.

(Click to enlarge.)

• Courtney Love "went nuts" when a guest at a party opened an unlocked bathroom and saw her on the toilet with her skirt around her ankles.

Apparently she launched herself at the dude, and though people tried to calm her down, a security guy told the man: "It's best you get away as fast as possible." [Page Six]

• Backstage at the Emmys, Paramedics were called for Kristin Chenoweth, who complained of a migraine headache and then said she couldn't open her eyes. [Access Hollywood]
• More backstage Emmys drama: A fight between Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff got "kind of loud." Apparently they were "screaming at each other"after he said she took too long in hair and makeup. [E!]
• Mad Men and 30 Rock were big winners at the Emmys last night. [NY Daily News]
• Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs won the weekend box office; Jennifer Aniston's Love Happens came in fourth — one of her worst openings in years — and Jennifer's Body placed fifth. [Ny Daily News]
• "Mr. T's Chance of Meatballs character fits him to a T." [USA Today]
• Kate Gosselin taped her Mom Logic TV show pilot over the weekend, and even though guests Mel B and Christie Brinkley were nixed, a source says the taping "went extremely well" and "Kate did great." [Radar]
• Congrats! Zooey Deschanel married Death Cab For Cutie singer Ben Gibbard Saturday night near Seattle. [People]
• Did you know that Susan Sarandon has been a member of a Ping-Pong society for years? [NY Magazine]
• From a profile on Madonna: "Scented Christian Dior candles fill the air in a space so dimly lit, it seems both slightly theatrical and quasi-religious. A huge telephone with multiple extensions bears labels such as M study, M dressing room, M bathroom, Laundry, Music Room, Kitchen, Mews." And: "A lot of people are just really confused by me… They don't know what to think of me, so they try to compartmentalize me or diminish me. Maybe they just feel unsafe. But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you're fearing something that it's bringing up in you." [Times Of London]
• Paula Abdul almost refused to co-present with Kathy Griffin at the VH1 Divas concert because of all the insulting jokes Kathy had made. [Gatecrasher]
• Amy Winehouse was leaving a nightclub recently when a passerby shouted "Oi Amy, where's your crack pipe?" [The Sun]
• Heidi Klum and Seal can't decide on a name for the baby girl they are expecting. Seal says: "It has been the topic of debate for the last month. We can't quite figure it out. I'm a firm believer that she will pop out and will tell us what she wants to be called." [Mirror]
• Charlize Theron's nude scene in The Burning Plain — in which she smokes a cigarette while standing at a window in full view of passersby in Portland, OR — was shot at 6 a.m. to avoid paparazzi. [Page Six]
• Oprah had a block party in Chicago and paid more than $54,000 for city services. [Ny Post]
• Joy Behar would love to get Sarah Palin on her new show on HLN and talk to her about the "real America." "It's insulting to men like my father, who fought in World War II, whom she doesn't think are real Americans because we don't agree with her." Joy also says: "Look, it's not that I'm contentious; I'm uncompromising. I'm friendly, but I can't let things go unchallenged. And I intend to give my opinions quite profusely. I might even have to interrupt myself." [New York Magazine]
• New couple? Kid Cudi and Amanda Bynes??? [Gatecrasher]
• They're saying Mischa Barton's a mess in the morning and needs someone to "fix" her coffee, but who isn't and who doesn't? [Page Six]
• So what is up with that Taylor Momsen record contract that allows her singing on Gossip Girl and the "Runaways Project"? She's not in the Runaways movie! Was she was supposed to get Dakota Fanning's part? Or does she have a secret cameo? [TMZ]
• Beth Ditto has banned her girlfriend from touring with her: "[It's] not because I don't think she can handle it, but because that's my life. Say what you want about me. Say it to my face, say it behind my back, write it on the fucking bathroom mirror, I don't care. But do not talk about the people I love. I will lose my mind." [NME]
• An ambulance was called to David Hasselhoff's house yesterday; apparently his 17-year-old daughter, who was home with him, called her mother, saying that David was extremely drunk. A friend of Pamela's called 911. [TMZ, TMZ]
• January Jones, aka Mad Men's Betty Draper, has purchased a lovely home in the Los Feliz neighborhood of L.A., and you can see the pix at the link. [The Real Estalker]
• The Guinness World Records board has refused to let the White Stripes into their record book for playing a one-note concert, due to insufficient interest. Twelve hundred people showed up to a gig in Canada where Jack White played an E. [Mirror]
• Stephen Moyer on his engagement to Anna Paquin: "It was very intimate and quite surprising for her, I think, and we were by ourselves at dinner in Hawaii and...I surprised her. But it was something that surprised me probably more than it surprised her." He also says: "She is very funny and very frank and very direct and beautiful… She doesn't take any of my nonsense." [E!]
• David Arquette and Ben Harper have a clothing line called Propr, and Arquette says: ""We love the idea of chivalry and going in an old-school barber… There's a quality that's in the finer details, like they really thought it out a step further." More from "A Night Out" with the duo at the link. [NY Times]
• Ryan O'Neal visited Farrah Fawcett's grave after their son, Redmond, was ordered to leave jail and go to rehab for a year. [Daily Mail, USA Today]
• Nicole's sister Antonia Kidman is engaged to Singapore-based banker Craig Marran. [News.com.au]
• Terry Gilliam got Johnny Depp to tango for The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus even though Johnny allegedly said "Men don't dance." [Mirror]
• Oy: Sacha Baron Cohen will play an Israeli tour guide on The Simpsons. [UPI]
• From a piece on John Malkovich's new film, Disgrace, set in post-apartheid South Africa: "[Malkovich's character] Lurie appears the virtual embodiment of white male arrogance, an English professor who views himself through the prism of Romantic poetry and who pursues an exploitive, obsessive affair with a much younger, mixed-race student. You can't say that he rapes her, but the issue of consent between an inexperienced young woman and a practiced seducer — one with direct power over her academic future — is complicated, to say the least." [Salon]
• Will Diddy switch record labels? [Page Six]
• Scott Weiland had a seizure on a plane while en route from Los Angeles to Florida, causing the plane to land in Dallas-Fort Worth; he is "doing great" now. [E!]
• Larry King hates frivolous lawsuits. [TMZ]
• John Travolta may be a witness at the trial for two people accused of trying to extort $25 million from him after his son died in the Bahamas. [AP]
• John Travolta says if he is called to testify, he will do so. [ET]
• Sources say John Travolta's testimony will be dramatic and emotional. [TMZ]
• Ozzy Osbourne's new memoir describes appearing on the MTV show The Osbournes as "terrifying" and like being "strapped to a rocket and being blasted through the stratosphere at warp factor ten." [Mirror]
• Leonard Cohen is recovering after collapsing on stage during a show in Spain; he reportedly had food poisoning. [UPI]
• James Blunt is accusing internet service providers of "handling stolen goods" by allowing file sharing and illegal downloads. [Telegraph]
• Anoushka Shankar, Ravi Shankar's daughter, had been the victim of a blackmail plot; an arrest has been made. [Independent]
• District 9 is not welcome in Nigeria. [NY Post]
• "Frustrated cops probing Jordan's claim to have been raped by a celebrity said yesterday they could do no more unless she co-operates." [The Sun]
• "You're not going to be successful. You're not going to be millionaires (with the exception of MAYBE Kris and Adam). No one will care about you. Those fans who've been asking for your autograph all tour long - 98 percent of them don't give a flying poo about you once next season of Idol starts. In other words, your days of being a star are over. But that's all right - so are mine… The music business, for the most part, will treat you like an outsider… You are just a game show contestant who still needs to prove why you should be here. Move to a music city. L.A., New York or Nashville Leave home and live WAY below your means." — Chris Sligh, former American Idol contestant, to other Idol singers, on his blog. [NY Post]
• "I was never in the high, high fashion industry. I was never one of those superskinny, supertall waif girls who goes from show to show. When you do more commercial things, your weight is allowed to fluctuate a bit. Not every inch counts. It's hard for the girls. How old are they? Fifteen, 16? Some girls are naturally thin and can eat whatever they want. When I was 15, 16, there was not one ounce of fat on me, but some other girls have to work hard to stay like that. But the rules are not made by the models. To be part of this, they have to be the size the designer wants them to be. I'm not that skinny, and I never was, but I can pretty much eat whatever I want." — Heidi Klum. [Page Six Magazine]
• "My dream was always to work in a candy store. It was because of my obsession with candy; I don't have it any more, now that my teeth are all rotten. I did go to a university for a year, as shocking as that might sound to people, and there was a candy shop that I used to go to all the time, an old-fashioned one where all the candy was in these big glass jars. I used to go in there and look at all the candy and think, ‘God, it would be really cool to work in here; I could have candy whenever I wanted.' So I did want the keys to the candy store, but I had different keys." —Madonna. [Times of London]
• "At first, I didn't know whether I'd be healthy enough to film a full season of an action-packed drama series. But soon I realized there was nothing I wanted to do more. We got in touch with the network to let them know about my diagnosis and I sent this message: 'Don't count me out. I can do this.' All I could think was: 'If I'm going out, I'd rather go out on a high note, doing quality work I believe in.'" — From Patrick Swayze's memoir, on doing The Beast with a cancer diagnosis. [Daily Mail]
• "We need to be the example of respect, of tolerance, and just how to be civil, can we do that? Even though I didn't win the crown that night I know that the Lord has so much of a bigger crown in heaven for me. I never asked to be thrown into politics… but you know what, I'm proud of the stance that I took and I'm glad that God upheld me for such a time as this." — Carrie Prejean. [NY Daily News]
• "Forget about playing Tony Blair. When I told her I was definitely playing vampire Aro in Twilight, she cried. She was so overwhelmed and annoyed that I muscled in on something that was hers. She's already told me she'll be my date for the premiere." — Michael Sheen's 10-year-old daughter, Lily is excited about his career for once. [Page Six]

• "It has been the most incredible gap-year project," says Emma Watson on her new ethical fashion line. What happened to Habitat for Humanity? [WWD]

• Quoth the Chanel-clad sorceress: "I wanted to help People Tree produce a younger range because I was excited by the idea of using fashion as a tool to help alleviate poverty and knew it was something I could help make a difference with." [Telegraph]
• Coco Rocha takes a more traditional path, going with her church to work in Costa Rica. "My religion has always been important to me." [FashionWeekDaily]
• Christian Audigier, the man behind douche-outfitters Ed Hardy and Von Dutch, is for some reason going to be in a movie. "Explains" his agent, "The guy is a natural... Christian is into fighting, boxing, martial arts. And he wants to show people that side. That skill set." Oh, he's also cutting an album. [GQ]
• Speaking of multimedia: Versace has launched Facebook and Twitter accounts. As Karl Lagerfeld could tell them: demode. [WWD]
• If you don't feel you can exactly pull of Aretha's inaugural chapeau, here's a more wearable option: the Queen of Soul, avec chapeau, immortalized on a limited-edition tee. [New York]
• Whoa: Gaultier for Target? We could use a $20 cone bra...[WWD]
• And speaking of collabs: Christopher Kane for Topshop is awesome, selling brilliantly. Bring. It. Here. Now. [Independent]
• Says LVMH's prez: "There are four main elements to our business model-product, distribution, communication and price. Our job is to do such a fantastic job on the first three that people forget all about the fourth." They're not there yet. [Economist]
• Leigh Lezark, the somewhat vacant, sinister and inexplicably beloved former Misshape, has been tapped as the "brand ambassador" for Charles Worthington's new range. [ElleUK]
• Speaking of celeb faces, Alexander Wang: "Today, more than ever, it definitely makes a difference. But for us, it's always about finding the right person, whether it's an A-list celebrity or someone on the Internet who understands our brand and has a lot of influence on people." [WWD]
• A Coach employee is suing his supervisor for sexual harassment. "It was one of those weiner dogs and he would say, 'Ok, I have a big weiner, you wanna come see my weiner?'" [NYDN]
• Oh noes! Prescriptives - and its awesome custom-blend foundation - is a recession casualty. Parent company Estee Lauder is shutting the brand down as a cost-cutting measure. [WWD]
• Apparently Emmanuel Ungaro chose Lindsay Lohan for the role of "artistic adviser" over Madonna and Paris because the troubled starlet brings "something younger, more cool, with a different attitude." That and she has bullshit-fashion experience from Project Runway! [AP]
• "Microluxury" - teeny-tiny dolly-sized luxe accessories - are, maybe, the wave of the future. Or maybe not. [Time]
• Ann Taylor's flaks must be working overtime: the working-gal's label, working hard to change its frumpy image, got a whole laundry-list of celebs to go to the runway show. In attendance: Jennifer Esposito, Vanessa Williams, Mena Suvari, Gretchen Mol, Kelly Rutherford, Kelly Bensimon, Laila Ali, Katherine McPhee and Amanda Bynes. [WWD]
• Speaking of brands trying to turn it around: Gap is experimenting with a "Results-Only Work Environment" in which "employees are empowered to work whenever and wherever they want as long as the work gets done." Were guessing it's not quite as fun as that sounds. Because we can fold from a bar just fine. [BW]
• The skint Lacroix has a number of "suitors of means." Await reports on possible saviors. [WWD]
• Well, this one will work for sure: new cellulite-busting tights have crystals in the weave that'll shear the bumps right off. [Daily Mail]
• Tommy Hilfiger is a rebel: his new flagship is on Fifth Avenue. "Donna, Ralph, Calvin, Oscar, Michael? They're all on Madison," a block away, he declares. [Style.com]
• British psychiatrists are warning that London Fashion Week, with its accompanying trigger for ED-prone girls who regard the models as "thinspiration." [Telegraph]
• Meanwhile, anti-sweatshop protesters are taking on the tents. Celeb faces of "Love Fashion Hate Sweatshops" include Gael Garcia Bernal. [Mirror]
• At Peter Som's show, "the especially young models, perched in shiny chrome or deep-blue pumps, posed in groups of three on white pedestals while the crowd milled below them." The designer was inspired by "cruise ships, antique photographs and Japanese prints." [Observer]
• Isaac Mizrahi, meanwhile, celebrated his return to Fashion Week with the theme "Astaire Case or Obstacle Course." [Yahoo]
• Celebrity stylist Philip Bloch is filling the need for another style manual. The Shopping Diet: Spending Less and Getting More is, he says, "something all of us shopaholic recessionistas need — a self-help on excess shopping." [NY Post]
• Inevitably, teens can now buy a copy of the prom dress Bella Swan wore in Twilight - from the very town where Bella got hers! Can a vampire escort be far behind? [NYDN]

• Rihanna's maybe moving on! But: She was seen getting cozy with Wilmer Valderrama. Isn't that dude bad news bears? He's been linked to Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, Mandy Moore… [Mirror]

• So you know how Lindsay Lohan has a new Maserati? It's already been in a minor car accident. LL wasn't driving — her assistant hit a Subaru in front of them. [Just Jared]
• Is Angelina Jolie on a "crazy" diet called liquid detox? [The Sun]
• WTF: Nadya Suleman has fired the nurse-nannies from Angels in Waiting! She felt she was being judged or something? How the heck is she going to take care of 14 kids by herself? Seriously? [E!]
• Did Jennifer Aniston dump John Mayer over his Twitter obsession? [Daily Mail]
• This one time, Mary-Kate Olsen was driven off the road by the paparazi. "It was never written about,"she says. [Just Jared]
• Designer Rachel Roy has filed for divorce from hip-hop mogul Damon Dash. He co-founded Rocawear but has since been struggling with debt and bad business deals; she has her own line of women's clothing. They have two kids. This should be interesting. [NY Daily News]
• Jesus Luz says he did not cheat on Madonna with some random woman in Brazil: "The press created this story." Welcome to fame! [The Sun]
• Uh-oh: "Madonna's fling with Jesus Luz and her rumored hookup with A-rod may foil adoption plans." An official from Malawi's Ministry of Child Welfare says: "Our official policy is that we do not encourage our children to be sent into broken homes." [NY Daily News]
• Um, this report claims that Jesus wants to adopt a kid with Madonna. Grain of salt. [ONTD]
• Angelina Jolie's mother owes $60,000 in back taxes, despite having passed away in 2007. How do you fix that? [TMZ]
• Diablo Cody and her homies all wear matching necklaces which read "Fuck My Face." Heart-warming! [NY Mag]
• Here is a photograph of Amy Winehouse climbing over a spiked fence and being compared to Sideshow Bob. [Daily Mail]
• Lindsay Lohan's former roommate and Tila Tequila's ex-girlfriend Courtenay Semel has checked into rehab. [Page Six]
• Someone blogging as Leighton Meester but decidedly not Leighton Meester likes poetry, goes to a shrink and complains about the paparazzi. [NY Observer]
• Nicole Richie channels Lady Gaga in her pix for BlackBook. [Just Jared]
• Cindy Crawford is naked in the April issue of Allure, with some strategically placed soap bubbles. [The Superficial]
• Jessica "Slimpson"'s body "has now fully returned to its former glory" so you can all relax. [The Sun]
• Geri Halliwell is on a "man-ban." [The Star]
• Another day, another story about Hugh Grant making out with two women at the same time. In public. [Page Six]
• Kim Kardashian couldn't pronounce "philanthropic" at a charity event, and people laughed at her. Tragic! [Gatecrasher]
• Is Fergie heading to Washington to play a private concert for Sasha and Malia Obama? Is this why she is brunette now? Will she teach them to spell duchess with a T? [Gatecrasher]
• Coldplay's Chris Martin met kiddie band The Wiggles, got super psyched and them covered their song, "Fruit Salad." So punk rock. [The Sun]
• Chris Martin can't get Michael Jackson tickets! [Mirror]
• Maybe Chris Martin should bid on this Michael Jackson stuff up for auction? A Swarovski crystal-encrusted white glove could go for a mere $15,000. [NY Daily News]
• Speaking of Michael Jackson, he's invited the stars of Harry Potter to be All-Access guests opening night of his sold-out UK shows. Naturally. [The Sun]
• Anne Hathaway will play Judy Garland in an upcoming film and theater productions of Get Happy: The Life Of Judy Garland. Question is: Will she sing or lip sync? [E!]
• People. For the last time. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are not a couple in real life. Quit asking. Sheesh. [E!]
• But hey! Meet the New Moon wolf pack! Cute teenage Native American actors! [Socialite Life]
• Amanda Seyfried has pulled out of Zack Snyder's film Sucker Punch — described as Alice in Wonderland with machine guns — due to scheduling conflicts. Who should play Baby Doll, the girl in a mental institution in this big-budget action flick? [ONTD via Slashfilm via EW]
• "Syfy" is not a new kind of hip hop from the West coast but what the Sci-Fi Channel is calling itself now. It's also Polish slang for syphilis, so people aren't kidding when they say, "Sick name." [Jossip]
• Denise Richards went to see Charlie Sheen's new twins: "They're amazing." Isn't it nice when everyone gets along? [ET]
• Ooh, recession humor: Amanda Bynes has just signed to an ABC pilot called Canned, a show about a group of friends who are all fired on the same day. [ET]
• Kiefer Sutherland has signed on to play Jack Bauer for an eight season of 24. [Mirror]
• Anna Faris is on the new cover of Self magazine; cover also shills "1 minute abs." Huh? [Just Jared]
• Chelsea Handler's last night show has been extended through 2012. Bring back Russell Brand! [Reuters]
• Oh no: Problems with NBC's Parks & Recreation? Test audiences found it "unoriginal" and "too slow." [Deadline Hollywood]
• Kenny Rogers music helps stroke victims. [Wired]
• This article about Angela Lansbury contains the following sentence: "Ms. Lansbury, who describes herself as a homebody and a working actress, is described by pretty much everyone else as a 'living legend,' a phrase that makes her want to vomit 'a little,' she conceded." [WSJ]
• Blind item! "Which TV heartthrob had to wait until a young starlet's mom walked away before he could hit on her at a party?" [Gatecrasher]
• "This movie was never meant to be the end of Hannah Montana. The thing is, a lot of people put where the show's future lays in my hands — and it's not up to me. It's up to Disney and whether they want more episodes, and we hope that they do." — Miley Cyrus. [Yahoo via Billboard]
• "I had avoided getting married pretty good for, like, 23 years, and I ... secretly felt that men who were married admired me, like I was the last of the real gunslingers." — David Letterman. [People]

Carrie Underwood & Ace (Rat Terrier)

Josh Groban & Sweeney (Wheaten Terrier)

Diane Lane & Milo (Rescued dog)

Piper Perabo & Rickson (The caption says that she doesn't even own a pet. This is her manager's dog.)

Amanda Bynes & Charlie (Cavalier King Charles Spaniel)

Perez Hilton & Teddy (Goldendoodle)

Jon Hamm, Jennifer Westfeldt & Cora (Rescued dog)

Serena Williams, Jackie, Bambi, & Laurelei

• Is Oprah not putting her money where her mouth is? She's hosting an inaugural luncheon next week but apparently she hasn't contributed anything to Obama’s Inaugural Committee and gave $2,300 in the primaries. [Fox News]

• OMG. Ashford and Simpson have recorded a real version of Solid As Barack, which you may have heard Maya Rudolph perform on SNL. [Huffington Post]
• Sarah Jessica Parker thinks Britney's song "Womanizer" is perfect for the new Sex and the City movie and wants Britney to star in it as well. "My idea is to have someone like Britney Spears move to New York as my cousin or niece and Carrie would show her the ropes," said Parker. [MTV]
• More pictures from Katie Holmes new ad campaign for Miu Miu show Holmes holding her hand in an open flame. Does it make you want to buy their clothes and get your hand burned? [People]
• Katherine Heigl is rumored to be Vogue's April cover model. What former CW/WB star would you like to see on the mag's cover next? [Fashionista]
• Not everyone loves Slumdog Millionaire. Bollywood star Amitabh Bachchan is criticizing the movie for depicting India as a "Third World, dirty underbelly." [UPI]
• Here are some pictures of the usually glammed up Sienna Miller from her new film, in which she appears naked, ill, and bald. [The Sun]
• Despite rumors, Tameka Raymond, Usher's wife, will NOT be joining the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. [ONTD]
• Meryl Streep is famous for making martinis for her castmates, which are referred to as "Meryl Martinis." [W]
• Johnny Knoxville was detained at LAX when security found a grenade in his bag. It was real, not a toy, but had no explosives in it. He was detained and given a citation for carrying a prohibited item, and yet still made his flight. [TMZ]
• Ellen DeGeneres will sell a line of holistic pet care products on QVC. Perhaps Portia can help, since she has experience promoting Teamocil. [UPI]
• Amanda Bynes has broken up with baseball player Doug Reinhardt. Her friends say he was just using her for her celebrity. To which we say, "her?" [Us]
• Leona Lewis has finally arrived: She's launching her own perfume. [The Sun]
• Sharon Osbourne is defending her Rock of Love: Charm School attack on Megan Hauserman, saying Hauserman provoked her by making fun of the Osbournes. "It shows you how dumb she is. Anyone who knows anything about me knows not to say anything about my family or you're going to get it. Say what you like about me, but don't ever, ever, ever insult my family," says Sharon. [The Sun]
• Oh no! Verne Troyer allowed himself to be dressed up like a bear and given a honey pot on Britain's Celebrity Big Brother. [Jossip]
• Jodie Sweetin's estranged husband said the recovering alcoholic and meth addict has relapsed and isn't fit to care for their new baby girl, but Sweetin says she is 100% sober. She says she slipped and drank a few glasses of wine with dinner over the summer, but has dealt with the relapse in her 12-step program. [People]
• Steve Carell bought the general store in the Massachusetts town where he lives part time. He bought it to preserve the store and put his sister-in-law in charge, but says "I will be manning the cash register, and stocking the shelves as time permits!" [Yahoo]
• “It’s like, yeah, I’m really going to go to a party with my cast and crew and all the executives at the network and dance on tables. [Tabloids] all want to make me out as this party girl, and I’m not. I’m underage! All I do is sit at home and play guitar. That’s seriously what I do. I’m a Leo. I’ve always been independent, and this is the lifestyle I have grown up with since I was 3.” —Taylor Momsen, 15. [Just Jared]
• "Please don't call me [a movie star]. I don’t feel like a movie star in my life at all, and I don’t particularly think I behave like one. I don't have my own plane. I don't have a chef or a trainer. To me, you’re a movie star only during the time when you’re at the Academy Awards or at an important glamorous event. It’s very much a hat that you wear, and as soon as the event’s over, the hat comes off. I'm back to being me and being Mummy, and that’s my priority." — Kate Winslet in In Style [People]

• "A Los Angeles Superior Court official said Tuesday that MTV was recently granted permission to shoot in a courtroom in Beverly Hills, but it was done after hours - and that's not one of their judges sitting on the bench in The Hills footage.MTV was granted permission to film 'what purported to be a wedding outside of court hours' at the Beverly Hills courthouse, court spokesman Allan Parachini said Tuesday. He did not know who the participants were in the wedding, but Parachini said court officials wanted the filming to be treated as a news event." [AP]
• Did Kate Walsh's marriage implode because she was getting McSteamy with Private Practice co-star David Sutcliffe? Soap opera-y dramz in real life! [Star]
• Tiffani Amber Thiessen: knocked up. This will be the first child for the artist formerly known as Kelly Kapowski. [Star]
• Speaking of 90s stars and their spawn, Full House star Jodie Sweetin is in the midst of a messy custody war. TMZ says, "Her estranged husband called for an emergency hearing this morning to get access to their 8-month old daughter ASAP." How rude! Sorry, it had to be said. [TMZ]
• Oh lord. Nick Lachey is going to be on another MTV show. Because the first one worked out so well for him and his marriage! Anyway, EW describes the show as "Untitled Nick Lachey project: Former Jessica Simpson appendage follows Ohio theater geeks." Sounds like a recipe for…something. [EW]
• LeeLee Sobieski swears that Christian Bale was a "protector" on the set of the new Terminator movie. However, she wouldn't elaborate specifically, and only said, "He was very protective of all the women and the men on set. He was actually amazing to everybody, the utmost professional guy. In fact there was even an instance one night where he kept a lady safe." [E! Online]
• Correction! Katy Perry is not engaged to Gym Class Heroes member Travis McCoy. Since we are olds, we still don't really know who these people are, but we are happy to relay the proper information. [Perez]
• An overzealous loon spooked Lindsay Lohan in Scottsdale the other night. "The gentleman became very excited when he realized he was so close to Samantha and he has a history of being a stalker with Lindsay Lohan so he immediately attacked her and started yelling, 'I love her, I love her.'" The man was arrested for disorderly conduct but released a few hours later. Stay safe Lilo! [TMZ]
• What habit does Jennifer Aniston hate most in a man? "selfishness. No, that's a behavior. What's a bad habit? I'd say forgetting to turn off the lights." Those pet peeves can really wear a gal down. [People]
• Joan Jett had this to say about recruiting bands for her new record label, Blackheart: "Now it's becoming something where we can give people an opportunity. And certainly girls who are having a tougher time, as I felt myself, but it's obviously not limited to girls, we're just looking for good music, bands that want to work hard." [Rolling Stone ]
• Speaking of Ms. Jett, Kristen Stewart says it's bonkers that she was chosen to play Joan in the forthcoming biopic about Jett's band, The Runaways. "It's an absolutely insane concept for me to even think that I'm going to play her, but apparently I got the job so I'm going to give it all I've got." [NYM]
• Katie Holmes turns 30 this week, and hubby Tom Cruise says he's going to plan a birthday palooza for his wife. "I've been kind of surprising her throughout the week with things," he says. [People]
• Though she's rumored to be dating actor Kyle Howard, Lauren Conrad says she doesn't know who her New Year's kiss will be. However, she is super fine with Amanda Bynes dating her ex, frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt. ""They seem really cute together," LC says. "I haven't met her, but he's a really great guy." [E! Online via Yahoo]
• Count Rosario Dawson among the Twilight obsessives. "I just read the first book, it's ridiculous, it's like crack cocaine. I read it for 10 hours straight until I finished it," Dawson gushes. [People]
• Eva Mendes wanted a ticket to Obama's inauguration, but this time, her celebrity couldn't help her snag an invite. "We are still working on it, but I understand the whole thing. They don't want to make (it) a celebrity studded event because I understand this in an extremely crucial time in our history and in our world right now. And I understand not wanting to make (it) a star-studded event; I completely understand that. But of course, I would love to go and be there," the starlet says. Yeah, you and 50 million other people, lady. [Daily Express]
• "So much of what I went through the last eight years, it was unnecessary. It was completely unnecessary. It costs a fortune. And more the psychic toll. I mean, I aged like 20 years in the last eight years. It really — it killed me. I was really tired." — Alec Baldwin on his trainwreck divorce from Kim Basinger. [Perez]
• OMG! Some dude got his Price Is Right bid in the final Showcase on the nose. This is the first time in 30 years someone has guessed the exact price of a Showcase. Host Drew Carey acted weird about it: "A TMZ spy who happened to be in the audience during the taping says when Drew knew the guy hit the exact number, he stopped down taping and had a pow-wow with show producers for nearly 30 minutes. Our spy thinks they were trying to figure out how to handle the situation on camera." [TMZ]

Los Angeles, October 31. Image via Bauer-Griffin.

• David and Victoria Beckham were in a car crash Friday in France. David was driving his BMW to the Nice airport when he lost control and crashed into a wall. No kids were in the car; Posh was the only passenger. The vehicle had a smashed windshield and damage on the passenger side, but everyone was OK. Bex had to catch his plane (to appear in the Olympic closing ceremonies) so he left poor Vicky with the car… [Perez Hilton]
• Playdate! Kingston Rossdale and the Spears brothers! Britney entertained the three boys while Gwen and Gavin have their hands full with a new baby at home. It says a lot about Brit's progress that people will leave their kids with her, huh? And look, only two nannies in the accompanying picture. [Daily Mail]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can claim £1,400 a month in child benefits after registering France as their home. Not that they will claim the money. Because they are perfect. [The Sun]
• Lance Bass helped Christina Applegate recover from her double mastectomy. "I was at the hospital holding her hand and getting her through it," he says. "She is a very, very loved person. She's a big crossword puzzle girl. That kept her busy. In her hours of recovery, she's made all these roses out of lace. She has hundreds and hundreds of these amazing different roses. She doesn't know what she's going to do with them." [People]

• Apparently the trailer for Keira Knightley's new film, The Duchess, has shots of Princess Diana intercut in it, with the words "The two were related by ancestry and united by destiny… History repeats itself." Except Keira's flick is about Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire. Who did not die in a car crash. [Telegraph]
• Madonna and Guy renewed their vows in a private Kabbalah ceremony in London. A-Rod, shmay-rod! [Daily Mail]
• Madonna's Sticky & Sweet tour kicked off over the weekend! [The Sun]
• Madge has $1 million worth of Swarovski crystals on her costumes! [Mirror]
• Her show was "epic" and featured a video appearance by Britney Spears, as well as virtual appearances by Kanye West and Pharrell Williams. [Mirror]
• Madonna's workouts to get in shape for her tour have paid off. Hubby Guy Rithie says: "Her legs are Olympic standard. She is in amazing shape. You won’t find a fitter bird than her. Her legs are so toned. She’s fitter than dancers on her tour who are half her age." [The Sun]
• Madonna's tour includes negative images of destruction: global warming, Hitler, Mugabe and Senator John McCain. Then! Positive images! John Lennon, Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and Barack Obama! [AP]
• Um, the McCain camp is not happy about Madonna's tour images. "The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time." [Yahoo News]
• Is Madonna sparking a stocking trend with her 100 pairs of fishnets? [The Sun]
• Four relatives of Helena Bonham Carter were killed in a minibus crash while of a safari holiday in South Africa last week. [Times of London]
• Amanda Bynes was in a minor car accident Saturday afternoon in L.A. She made an unsafe turn and another car hit her. No serious damage, no drugs or alcohol. [People]
• Jet-setting billionaire Charles Simonyi is engaged to a Swedish woman named Lisa Persdotter, which is weird because Martha Stewart has often referred to him as "my boyfriend." [ONTD]
• Chris Kattan filed for legal separation from his wife, Sunshine Tutt, citing irreconcilable differences.The couple were engaged for 18 months and married for less than 2 months. Sigh, WWMD? (What Would Mango Do?) [Yahoo News via E!]
• John Mayer paparazzi shots aren't worth very much now that he's not with Jennifer Aniston. [MSNBC]
• Barenaked Ladies frontman Ed Robertson and three other people are "very lucky" to have survived a plane crash yesterday. The float-plane went down in the trees in Bancroft, Ontario, Canada. [Toronto Sun]
• Kim Kardashian cut her foot in her hotel room Sunday night. A source says there was so much blood, it looked like a murder scene. She sliced her foot open on a glass coffee table — right before she's supposed to start Dancing With The Stars! [ONTD]
• George Michael's final farewell concert was in London over the weekend. "It's great to be home," he said. (I won't let you down. I will not give you up. Gotta have some faith in the sound… It's the one good thing that I've got.) [Telegraph]
• There was a beachside premiere party for 90210 over the weekend, with Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth in attendance. [AP]
• Boy jeans: Now seen on Jennifer Aniston. Katie Holmes, what hath thou wrought? [Daily Mail]
• Drew Barrymore: seen singing "I Will Survive" at a karaoke joint in Detroit with Whip It co-stars Juliette Lewis and Ellen Page. It's okay, you'll find better than the Mac dude! [Mirror]
• Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty went house shopping in Malibu! The "love nest" they checked out was priced at £11million. Guess that's what Getty oil money will get you. [Mirror]
• Snoop Dogg has been granted a visa to perform in Australia, despite his long list of drugs, firearms and weapons charges. You can't hold back the dee oh double gee! [News.com.au]
• Paula Abdul has undergone neck surgery to repair an old cheerleading injury. She's supposedly been in a lot of pain since um, 1987, which maybe made her take pain pills, which maybe made her loopy. [Perez Hilton]
• TV chef Jamie Oliver was talking about free range chickens and gassing chicks when he some kind of Holocaust joke about the Germans, whoops. [The Star]
• Adrian Grenier: Dating an Aussie "weather girl"? [News.com.au]
• Blind item! "Which newly single TV personality tried out his sonorous baritone on young co-eds while vacationing in Mexico? 'He was bouncing between college girls like a pinball,' says our spy. 'His son was there, and it was embarrassing to watch.' Even worse, we hear there were no takers." [Rush & Molloy]
• Mary J. Blige and Robin Thicke will tour together in North America this fall. Will they sing together? A duet could be hot! [Reuters]
• When Alanis Morissette was 15 years old, she opened for Vanilla Ice on tour: "I was instructed not to look him in the eye and that was my first experience of honouring someone’s privacy to the point where you look away when they come near you. I thought, 'Wow, I didn’t think that actually existed!'" [Daily Express]
• Ed McMahon has found someone to buy his home and it's not Donald Trump. [Yahoo News]
• If you like Lil Wayne, Birdman or the Hot Boys, you'll love Cash Money Mobile, the new phone service that delivers ringtones, graphics, videoclips, text alerts and other crap right to your phone. A milli, a milli, a milli. [Reuters]
• Bobby Brown is being sued for failing to pay the legal bills for his divorce from Whitney Houston. He still owes almost $100,000 — can he get if from that country show? [Mirror]
• Tennis star James Blake talks about going to high school with John Mayer: "Just about every day he was at my house, and we'd play Nintendo games… I was about five feet tall wearing a back brace [due to scoliosis]… I don't think either one of us was doing that great [with the ladies] in high school – John was still kind of fitting into a niche ... He's more than made up for himself with how he's done since then." [People]
• Christopher Plummer recalls that hilarious time he thought he had syphilis and William Shatner took his role in Henry V. [Page Six]
• It's been twenty years since N.W.A.'s Straight Outta Compton. Ice Cube says: "It was what we saw all around us in Los Angeles. Gangsta to us didn't have anything to do with Al Capone and stuff like that. It's just about living your life the way you want to live it. And you're not going to let nothing stop you." [USA Today]
• A Serbian village unveiled what it says is Europe's first statue to late Jamaican reggae star Bob Marley on Saturday. Apparently the war-torn region prefers role models of peace. [Yahoo News]
• There's an excerpt from Faith Evans' book, and it details the night when she caught Lil' Kim in Biggie's bed. "As soon as I saw a small lump next to Big’s large frame, I flew into a rage, ran over to the side of the bed, and pulled back the covers. I grabbed some chick our of the bed and started beating her ass. At some point, the chick’s wig came off in my hand; It was a short, cropped wig. I stopped throwing punches for a minute to get a good look at the chick I was beating up. It was Lil Kim. She was completely butt-naked, yelling as I pushed her around the room…" [The.Life Files, Gawker]
• "Growing up, there’s a lot of pressure on young women, when you first become aware of your own looks in relation to other women’s looks. You just want to be cookie-cutter beautiful. And sometimes you think, 'Maybe I could change something about myself to fit that mould.' I’m no exception to that. When I was growing up I wanted a nose job because I didn’t think my nose was good. Your face needs to have character if you’re going to be an actor or you’re just kind of a face. You’re not really a person or a personality." — Anne Hathaway. [Daily Express]
• "Making clothes together in our studio makes us feel complete. We probably sound like a group of grannies in a knitting circle but it's the truth and it gives us some control over our visual identity." — Coldplay's Chris Martin. [Mirror]
• "I wrote that song as a stalker. It was raining, and I was sitting there in front of the house, watching her come home from a date after we were divorced. I was imagining what she did on this date, and watching her giving him a kiss. I went home and wrote this song." — Terrence Howard, on the "No. 1 Fan" from his new album. [E!]

The Good:

Marion Cotillard proves that French women do everything better, Emily Deschanel gives her sister a run for her money for title of "Prettiest Deschanel," and Hal Holbrook and Dixie Carter are just too cute for words and we love them.

The Bad:

Sorry, we can't even comment on Amanda Bynes' lilac frock, we're too distracted by her wide stance; Queen Latifah sports one of the most desperate polyster looking pantsuits we've ever seen; and Marcia Gay Harden needs a better bra and less Botox.

The Ugly:

Brittany Snow shines in all the wrong ways, Anna Sophia Robb looks like she made a wrong turn on her way to a deubtante ball, and Julian Schnabel might be a brilliant filmmaker, but when it comes to his taste in clothes: Oy.

[All images via Bauer-Griffin]

• Poseur/artiste Damien Hirst is not only attending the "hotly-anticipated" Prada party during New York Fashion Week, he's designing the giant skull-shaped mirror that will be enhancing the store's decor the night of the party as well. [WWD, 2nd item]
  
• Somewhere there is a decree that Stella McCartney is infallible regarding the rights of animals and the environment and if you commit the heresy of questioning this she will bite. [Vogue UK]
  
• "The collection is many women. She is strong, hard working, sincere, purposeful, intelligent, easygoing, chic, professional, edgy, happy, a mother, a friend, a single woman, a hippie spirit," Rachel Roy on the woman who represents her upcoming Spring/Summer 2008 collection. In other words, anyone with two breasts and a credit card. [The Fashion Informer]

• Kelly Klein is having a baby, something that never happened while the sometime-photographer was married to her now-ex, Calvin Klein. [Page Six]
• "I wanted something memorable and sweet. It started with a drawing of a deer. I changed the "deer" to "dear." You know, something that's dear to you," says Amanda Bynes, on the name of her Steve & Barry's clothing line. Wow, Amanda. We had no idea until you told us that that's what "dear" means. [Houston Chronicle]
• Project Runway! At last! November 14 we will be reunited with Heidi, Tim, Nina, and Michael. [FabSugar]
• OMG. Vintage Reebok. Revived. Go look. Now. [FabSugar]
• Seattle Post-Intelligencer]
• The CEO of Rock & Republic has been charged with sexual harassment by a former employee. And by "sexual harassment" we mean she has accused him of attempted rape. Just putting that out there. [TMZ]

[New York, NY; July 16. Image via FilmMagic.]

• Amanda Bynes is designing a line for Steve & Barry's. It's called Dear. It has a MySpace page. With 9 'friends'. [Racked]
  
• An Italian town named Biella hopes to brand its name and assert its authority in the wonderful world of cashmere. You know how you don't say 'tissues', you say 'Kleenex'? Biella wants it to be like that. [NYPost]
  
• Donna Karan's new fragrance Delicious Night, is said to smell like "the magic of New York at night." Oh, Donna, trust us: New York at night smells like stale Parliaments, cheap wine, sweat, and, er, bad decisions. [WWD, sub req'd]
  
• Vogue impresario/notorious megalomaniac Andre Leon Talley's advice to budding fashion industry drones? "Stay humble." Because nothing says "humble" like velvet loafers and massive fur capes. [WWD, 2nd item]

• Oh that progressive Miuccia! The lovely Ms. Prada is now designing costumes! For, uh, an anime cartoon? [WWD, sub req'd]
• On the heels of its vows to become more youthful (read: slutty), Escada says it is losing money. [WWD]
• Kenneth Cole's new "Awearness" campaign to combat homelessness, AIDS, and probably most yucky stuff. [WWD, sub req'd]
• Iconic fashion photographer Mario Testino just bought a $6.3 million condo in Ian Schrager's 40 Bond St development in New York's SoHo. We walked past it the other day, gagged its ugly exterior, and asked outloud, Who the fuck would want to live here? And now our questions are answered. [WSJ, 1st item]
• Heart shaped sunglasses are sorta cool — when you're four. [Vogue UK]

• Kate Moss' line for Topshop arrives in New York at Barney's stores. Says Barney's creative director Simon Doonan: "I have been at Barney's for twenty years and nothing... has rivaled the insane, frenzied build-up to the arrival of Kate and her Topshop line. I would put it right up there with the invasion of the Faulkand Islands and the first episode of AbFab, or at least the launch of the DVD of AbFab." Spoken like a true queen! [Barney's Babble]
• Kate Moss' U.S. entourage includes her favorite DJs, who traveled with her to the Barney's flagship last night. [Vogue UK]
• If you can't get to Barney's the moment they open today, seems you stand no chance of ever being clad by Kate: The Topshop line has already sold-out on Barney's.com. [The Shophound]

• Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen will solidify their standing as eating-disordered role models to fashion-obsessed girls everywhere when they host the Council of Fashion Designers of America (CFDA) Awards dinner on June 3. [WWD]
• Bottega Veneta is big in Japan. Their largest flagship ever just opened in the Ginza neighborhood of Tokyo. [WWD]
• Steve & Barry's is becoming the place for celebrity clothing lines, it seems. First Sarah Jessica Parker's Bitten; up next is a line from teen queen Amanda Bynes, due in stores Aug 10. [WWD