If your pal X'ortel needs advice on covering up those scales, she should look no further than Allure's "Starry Night" feature, which advocates tinted moisturizer on the cleavage and not one but two types of makeup on the legs. But where Allure truly shines is the social sphere — essential tips on activities most humanoids take for granted. Devoted followers will remember the immortal "How To Take A Shower," but the December issue expands on the seemingly-simple-activities theme by offering advice on how to talk to people. For instance, aspiring humans should try to relate current events back to fellow partygoers' lives. Allure's example: the Jaycee Dugard kidnapping. Charming! But X'ortel might not want to take her cue from alleged human Kirsten Dunst, whose insight after a recent cross-country road trip was, "wow, America is so poor." Celebrities, like aliens, want to seem down-to-earth, and Dunst is, as we say here, doin it rong.

Allure editors helpfully provide a breakdown of some of the crazier food (or non-food) regimens to hit Hollywood. The mild disclaimer in the introduction reads, "these weird restrictions can work, though some may not be that healthful," and those concerned with balanced meals or, like, chewing, might want to avoid the Baby Food Diet and the Apple-Cider Vinegar diet. But most upsetting is the Air Diet, which involves eating food with high quantities of air "injected" into it (Cheetos, Rice Crispies Treats). Either the editors just made this one up, or they're extremely gullible — perhaps some air got "injected" into their heads.

The first thing we thought when we saw Vanessa Hudgens on the cover was "her?" which, as it turns out, is appropriate, because the only entertaining part of the magazine was a brief interview with Alia Shawkat about Whip It, her first major role since Arrested Development (Fig. 1). Plus, at this point in her career, Hudgens may be wishing she was a "never nude." The High School Musical star is now 20, which means it's time for her to reject her squeaky-clean Disney image and transition into adult roles. Usually this is accomplished with a few women's magazine covers and maybe a racy Maxim shoot, but Hudgens has already been involved in a nude photo scandal. Thus, throughout her Allure interview Hudgens references various Disney princess movies and emphasizes that she's still sweet and "naive."

The rest of the magazine seems to feature even more ads than usual, but that's probably because the article on scientific beauty breakthroughs sounds like it was copied off the back of a shampoo bottle. As usual, to make sure those jars of anti-aging creams and gels (which Allure's own editor admits are pretty useless) really fly off the shelves, the magazine resorts to scare tactics. This month's aging horror story concerns identical twins who "look years apart." Though it looks like one twin was photographed in bad lighting, in most cases the magazine claims one twin's face looks worse than her sister's because she's overweight. While Catherine Deneuve is quoted as saying "after a certain age, a woman needs to choose between her face and her behind," the article explains that:

For women under 40 the effect turns out to be just the opposite: Extra pounds can obscure youthful features like a smooth jawline and cause facial features to sag.

By that logic, wouldn't the best anti-aging strategy be to stay slim until you hit 40 then start packing on the pounds? We're not sure why Allure's editors seem to think there's some scenario in which our faces aren't going to age in the next 60 years (or why that's so terrible). Another mystery: How did Allure find the sets of twins for this story? Who would call up their twin sister and say, "I know we're the exact same age, but I think you look much older than me. Want to be photographed for Allure?"

(Click the image below to make it larger.)

Fig. 1

Earlier: Allure Editor Defends Pushing Beauty Products That Don't Work

Following Conan O'Brien's on-set accident on Friday (in which he sustained a concussion) Stephen made fun of his fellow comedian for hitting his head, suggesting that it was because of a recent Glamour Magazine poll called "Do, Dump, or Marry?" (the milquetoast Glamour version of the classic marry/fuck/kill), in which Jimmy Fallon was the "do," Conan was the "dump," and Stephen was the "marry." First, Stephen was giddy over his Conan victory, until he realized Glamour readers were planning to cheat on him with "do" Jimmy Fallon ("you whores!"), and he had to cry, take "some antidepressant" (Ben & Jerry's), and declare himself to be fat. It was pretty hilarious, though one wonders who on Colbert's staff actually reads Glamour. (Oh, and also? Stephen is totally the "do" of those three. Duh!)

In the clip above - we'll be doing a much bigger post on the documentary itself later today - Wells says that even though Allure extensively tests the anti-aging products editors recommend, they may not necessarily do what readers want, or expect, them to. She explains:

If it makes you feel good and you feel like you've got some tiny bit of control over this process, what's the negative?

Aside from issues of false advertising and wasting your time and money on pointless beauty treatments, the young woman in the video below illustrates the real problem with magazines like Allure hawking these products every month:

We find it pretty sad that she's internalized Allure's message that you should fear wrinkles to the point that she worries about it every time she drinks. But according to Wells' logic, her pointless avoidance of straws and water bottles will actually make her feel great about staving off wrinkles... until she succumbs to the natural aging process anyway.

Youth Knows No Pain [Official Website]

This month's Allure is filled with tips we'd figured out before we were allowed to wear makeup, such as how to wear a headband, tie a scarf, and kiss people on the cheek. In other obvious news, the mag interviews some of Michael Jackson's doctors - along with anonymous sources and medical experts who never treated him - to create a timeline of his changing face that looked pretty similar to those printed in most other magazines right after he died. The feature was heavily promoted in the media, including on the Today show and in The New York Times, but the article just reaffirms what we've always known: dude had a lot of plastic surgery. The mag reports more information you've heard a million times in the article "Mom Was Right," which examines beauty tips such as "don't bite your nails," "sit like a lady," and "get your hair out of your face," and declares that you really should have been listening to your mother for all those years. So if it's true that "if you keep making that face it'll freeze that way," is reading Allure every month going to make our faces get stuck in a permanent eye roll?

(Click image to make it larger.)

Earlier: Allure: Michael Jackson Did Not Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Breaking: Michael's Face Changed Over The Years

For the article, Allure interviewed MJ's own doctors and plastic surgeons, who say that the skin bleaching creams prescribed for his vitiligo weakened the skin and cartilage of his nose, which required corrective surgery on his — already altered — schnozz. Also, his lupus caused hair loss, which led to him getting his eyebrows and lash lines tattooed on.

We actually can't make sense of the two-page chart below (Figs. 1 - 3), showing the length of David and Victoria Beckham's hair versus the Dow, but none of us have a degree in economics. The only pattern we can spot is that for the past two decades the Beckhams' have had hair on their heads and the stock market hasn't completely and utterly crashed. Therefore, we must conclude that, like modern day Sampsons, if they go bald, the country will suffer a complete meltdown. The bizarre hair theme continues in the fall fashion spread, in which one model poses as a hot pink wookie wielding a lightsaber (Fig. 4). Later, Amy Adams reveals she's actually a blonde, not a redhead, and Allure's editors punish her for this deception by giving her a Bride of Frankenstein hairdo and putting her in unflattering magenta eyeshadow. The only one who escapes Allure's wrath is Mad Men's Christina Hendricks (another blonde turned redhead) who explains how to look more like Joan on Mad Men (Fig. 5), which is pretty much the only beauty secret we were ever interested in. Below, we untangle the cover lies in this month's Allure.

Fig. 1


Fig. 2 (Detail)


Fig. 3 (Detail)


Fig. 4


Fig. 5

Charlize Theron will be on Vogue; Kate Moss is on W; Elle will have Jennifer Aniston; Jessica Simpson's on Glamour; Jennifer Lopez will be on In Style, Marie Claire will have Ashley Olsen and Amanda Seyfried landed Allure.

Aside from Jennifer Lopez, it seems that what's in for Fall 2009 is to be, well, white and blonde. (And while La Lopez used to be darker, she's definitely lightened up.) And aside from Amanda Seyfried, who's a relative newcomer, we've seen all of these women on magazine covers dozens of times before. Of course the editors feel the need to play it safe in this economy, with their biggest issue, so familiar faces on the newsstand make sense. But seeing the same old people — again — can also feel like a boring retread.

It would be great to see a brave glossy branch out with an unexpected face. The Oscar-bait film Precious hits theaters in the fall — will any mainstream mags dare to put its star on a cover? Maybe the answer isn't actresses: Vogue's August issue features multi-millionaire Google exec Marissa Mayer —inside, of course. But why couldn't the thin, "Oscar de la Renta–obsessed" Mayer make the cover? She's someone different (a Stanford-educated business woman), she'd spare us the tired celebrity profile, and yes, she's blonde.

Memo Pad: Famous Faces... [WWD]
Machine Dreams [Vogue.com]

From sleep to sunscreen application*, this month's Allure makes looking even halfway decent this summer seem insanely difficult. Though one article concludes that feeling attractive is the key to being attractive since, "what's finally sexier than a Rubens nude showing her cellulite with romping confidence?" the mag's 12-page feature on how to look sexy says, "sexy is a state of mind, yes. But it's just as much about the state of your hair and makeup." Readers are advised to model themselves after four sexy archetypes: "good girl," "rocker girl," "femme fatale," and "sex kitten" but to also borrow from each, lest you seem like a "caricature rather than an homage." At least the point of the cover story on Fergie is fairly straightforward. Along with yet another interview that explains she only gained a bit of weight to appear in the film Nine, she is pictured from several different angles with her now-toned belly coated in oil. Below, we break down the cover lies in the July issue of Allure.

* In case you're confused about how to rub sunscreen on your body, Allure provides this handy chart:

Shades of "How To Take A Shower"!

Sure, those of us who "don't have big blemishes" can do a facial at home. But for all the wrinkled hags out there, anti-aging is still a must, and we can "save" with a "microdermabrasion-only appointment" (as opposed to, say, the full-body laser treatment promoted by June Vogue). Or nix the Restylane and try Perlane or Radiesse, which puff up your face with chemicals for up to two months longer! For true cheapskates, there's always over-the-counter creams, like Patricia Wexler M.D. Dermatology No-Injection Wrinkle Smoother, with GABA — or Retin-A, a real steal at $200 a tube. Just fucking accepting that everyone ages, while free, is not covered by Allure.

We'd started to accept our lack of perfectly flat abs, but the mag helpfully highlighted our "problem" in bold-faced type, explaining, "YOU HAVE TOO MUCH FAT ALL OVER," "YOU'RE EATING THE WRONG FOOD," and, "YOU ONLY USE YOUR ABDOMINAL MUSCLES RARELY." Touché, Allure! But at least we're not alone. In a year by year analysis, we learned that you can "keep track of Britney Spears's success" by studying her abs, which have "gotten a little flabbier" since she was sixteen. The mag also provides a chart tracing the history of "garments that have whittled us" from stays to Spanx. Apparently, even cover girl Blake Lively feels unacceptably big sometimes. "I don't know, I'm ... large?" she says. "They put me in six-inch heels, and I tower over every man. I've got this long hair and lots of clothes and makeup, I just feel really big a lot of the time ... I feel like a man sometimes." Thankfully, the mag assures us that, "She is, in fact, quite girlie."

Below, we break down Allure's cover lines, to reveal the lies concealed within.

Handler more than lives up to the title of "Leno's Naughty Rival," bestowed on her by critic Caryn James in a post today on The Daily Beast. James writes:

Chelsea Lately is breaking up the boys' club of late-night, but that's the least of it. She's doing for pop culture what Jon Stewart's Daily Show does for-or to-the news. She sends up the idiocy of our obsession with Lohans and Kardashians while indulging our endless fascination with them, the way Stewart mocks the media's lunacy while giving us some updates we can really use.

Chelsea Handler: Leno's Naughty Rival [The Daily Beast]

It seems the editors at Allure think we had to ask our moms for the $3.50 to buy this magazine, as none of their tips seem aimed at competent adult women. Did you know that if your entree is inedible you can ask the waiter to take it back? Or that you shouldn't wear complicated lace-up boots when you go through airport security? Allure also has a tip for dealing with acne: "stop touching your face. Now." The mag recommends that you "enlist an enforcer" to make you stop picking at your pimples, and ask them to "check on you if they haven't heard any noise from the bathroom in a minute or two." Below, we rewrite the magazine's cover lines, so that our feeble brains may better comprehend the lies contained within.

Update: Jossip has changed the wording of its post to further protect the identity of its anonymous interview subject. Depending on whether the original wording was correct, it may be too late.

• Suck on this: Madonna will be involved in New Moon, the Twilight sequel. Her Madgesty will not only be in the film, but supply music for the soundtrack. Brain exploding, brb. [ONTD via E!]

• Hayden Panettiere, 19, and Milo Ventimiglia, 31, are over. Done. Apparently "Hayden tried to break up with Milo many times since Christmas, but he wouldn't accept it." She wants to be free; he wants to settle down. [Star]
• Lily Allen and Perez Hilton are in a "Twitter catfight." He wrote: "If I wanted to be a fucked-up Brit, I'd rather be Amy Winehouse – whose[sic] got talent." She fired back: "God, you're like so obsessed with me its embarrassing." He sniped about her album being discounted; she called him a little parasite. Isn't the internet fun? [Telegraph]
• A charity set up by Prince Harry is accused of promising £30,000 to the children of poverty-stricken Lesotho, only to have the money fail to materialize. [Telegraph]
• Prince Harry also flew a training aircraft yesterday, despite failing his exams last week. [Daily Mail]
• David Beckham "finally got" wife Victoria to agree to move to Milan. Ciao, off you go! [The Sun]
• Chris Brown has hired Paris Hilton's spin doctor, Mike Sitrick. But Fox News's Roger Friedman says Sitrick is "universally disliked by the press" and that Chris is "clueless." [Fox 411]
• Julia Roberts looks beachy keen on the March cover of Allure and says she'd like to have dinner with the Obamas. "The girls can play with my kids." She also says: "I think it should be against the law to take a picture of a celebrity's child." [MSNBC Scoop]
• More from Julia in Allure, talking about her kids: "I will never be bored again… [I have] little time theives running around [the] house." And her life: "I'm the luckiest girl in town, I really am." Yawn! [People]
• Halle Berry will star in a flick called Who Is Doris Payne, about an international jewel thief whose career spanned five decades. Rejoice: Neither a hooker, a victim nor a doormat! [Variety]
• Drew Barrymore has a crush on Christian Bale. Back of the line, dear. [Mirror]
• Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto wants a meaty, "ugly" role: "I don't want to be known as just a pretty face. I loved Charlize Theron in Monster. I want to play parts that are challenging and inspiring." Good luck! [Mirror]
• Peaches Geldof made the paper for wearing fishnet thigh-highs with garters. Slow news day? [The Sun]
• Wowza, check out Emily Blunt in this tribute to Blue Velvet. Lynchy! [BlackBook]
• Anne Hathaway, Anne Archer, Charlize Theron, Kerry Washington, Camryn Manheim, Jessica Alba, Maria Bello, Rosario Dawson and others were on hand for V-Day, a global movement to end violence against women, hosted by feminist playwright Eve Ensler and Glamour. [WWD]
• Grace Jones arrived so late for the African Fashion Collection bash the other night, the party was already over. [Page Six]
• Becki Newton, Ugly Betty's Amanda, swears the show is not cancelled: "We don't know what's going to be happening with the time slot, but we're well into season three, and we just got picked up for season four. There was panic for no reason." [Gatecrasher]
• Jackie Chan is starring in a new flick so violent that it's not being released in mainland China. Of course, that makes us want to see it. Okay, just saw a trailer and it looks epic. [AP]
• There's ultra-violence in Quentin Tarantino's new film, Inglourious Basterds; Nazis get scalped, hit by bats and machine-gunned down. [Page Six]
• PR queen Kelly Cutrone (seen on The Hills and The City) is friends with Eliot Spitzer's ex-hooker, Ashley Dupre. Cutrone says: "I met Ashley through friends in the music industry, I liked her and decided I would be nice to her. I will continue to be nice to her." [Page Six]
• Steven Van Zandt of The Sopranos and the E street band has a radio show, Little Steven's Underground Garage. [Guardian]
• Amy Fisher is a stripper now. "I am going to take this road until my fans tell me, 'Dear, please put your clothes back on. You're too old.'" [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which crazy comic tells everyone about his, ummm, taste for booty whenever he's trashed? Talk about TMI!" [Gatecrasher]
• "A lot of people are scared of him, not just because of his position, but because of his temper. I don't think he ever had the time for 'la dolce vita.' I showed him how." —Carla Bruni on husband Nicolas Sarkozy. [Daily Mail]
• "Do I look like I care? I really don't think about [Joop or what he said]. What am I supposed to say? It's his opinion. What do you think?" — Heidi Klum, on being called "too heavy" to be a runway model. [Gatecrasher]
• "The character is learning lessons about consumption and debt like the rest of us right now. It feels fairly topical. Obviously the movie was conceived during a different economic period but she learns her lesson. It is a redemption story." — Isla Fisher, defending the timing of her Shopaholic picture. [Mirror]
• "She was the greatest show on earth last year. She was going through her issues in public... It was great to watch her spin out of control because it makes the average person feel better." — 50 Cent on Britney Spears, who helped inspire his album Before I Self Destruct. [MSNBC, Mirror]
• "I'm a sentimental person who's trying very hard to be a tough cynical person. This show has been more than a job for me; I met my wife on a remote, and we have two kids. I got my dog through this show. This has been a huge central part of my life. I'm quite good at denial, so I've been keeping it at bay. There's not time to dwell. (But) when we're doing the last show, it'll hit me. I'll probably cry like a baby." — Conan O'Brien on leaving Late Night for Tonight. [USA Today]
• "That was the least of our problems. I was always really proud of her success. I'm not a competitive person, and I have no aspirations to be a giant in this industry. I like making movies, but I never had designs on making $25 million a picture." — Ryan Phillippe, denying that he was ever jealous of wife Reese Witherspoon's success. [Contact Music]
• "I can't say that I'm still pole dancing. It's hard! I understand the hazards of the exotic dancer in a way I never imagined." — Marisa Tomei, on the skills she learned for The Wrestler. [Mirror]
• "I had to run and scream while wearing it! But it helps your posture, and certainly makes your boobs look fantastic. My internal organs now loathe me, however, so it might be good to do something in jeans and T-shirts. After all, I don't want to be typecast as the 'English rose' -that's boring, isn't it?" — Emily Blunt on wearing a corset in Wolf Man. [BlackBook]
• "Chris Brown's lies and excuses make me want to beat the crap out of him... He uses the language of the perpetrator just like every sleazy bastard who ever smacked his wife, kid, mother or girlfriend around uses. You dirty bastard, I hope you go to prison for ten years. IT'S YOUR FAULT, ASSHOLE! As for all the mealy mouthed Hollywood and music scene chicks that can't bring themselves to condemn a misogynistic bully, let me say this: Your time as whores for propaganda is ending, bitches." — Roseanne Barr. [ONTD]
• "I've been at war, without a doubt. I've really experienced the judgment of women in the past year. We say we want to be equal, but men don't sit around bitching at each other. There's no sisterhood." — Sienna Miller. [Mirror]