My mother loved being pregnant and sadly only got to do it once. I have a few things that could deter me later in life for having healthy pregnancies - namely one crooked spine - so my mother has always offered, which I find strange. In a weird way, I would prefer a stranger and I read the aforementioned article and I thought Alex whats hername was being really truthful in her deep look into the issue. And who can not be happy to not get stretch marks or backaches or any of the other things that come along with nature's miracle?
I love being pregnant (so far) but couldn't handle the responsibility of carrying someone else's child. There are so many OMG it might cause birth defects!!! things out there, avoiding them all is incredibly stressful and time consuming. It's far more than just not drinking or smoking, it's deciding how much caffeine is safe, avoiding all kind of chemicals and fumes - you're not even supposed to pump your own gas - eating only the healthiest most organic stuff available, getting the right amount of sleep and exercise, and more. I just can't imagine trying to have a "perfect" pregnancy because someone's paying me $50k.
My eggs I am more than willing to part with, but no one's going to want them by the time I'm done with them.
Eh, another anecdote to throw into the mix. My bf's sister-in-law is from a midwestern family and she has three kids, which is their max. She doesn't work or have an education, but she is one hell of a mother and loved being pregnant, and she is considering doing this- seriously, for altruistic reasons. Obviously no one dislikes money, and everyone could use a little more, but their family already is pretty well off.
The more I think about it, I'd love for her to do the whole pregnancy and mothering thing for me. I will never live up to her. Ack. Well, maybe she feels the same way about me with school and career, but still, anyone can go to school....
Ok I'm pulling out a dated reference here. Wasn't there that episode of Friends where Joey bet Phoebe that she could not (or couldn't find someone to) commit a complete unselfish act? I think the morale of the story was Phoebe found that even the self satisfaction of doing an unselfish thing was in fact a selfish motivation...or something along those lines.
@Speeble: Bish please, that episode was the first thing I thought of when I read the post. She lets a bee sting her, she shovels her neighbor's walk, and she donates money to a charity but none of her "good deeds" are completely selfless because they make her happy (except the bee, because it dies).
Choosing to be a surrogate is really a lot like choosing any other job. You weigh the pros and cons, decide if the money compensates enough for the cons. And yes, altruism can be part of it. I chose to work at a non-profit for two reasons- one, I needed money, and two, I believed in the cause I was working on. Why would we assume these women would have different thought processes than anyone else? Maybe the fact that they are helping someone is the thing that tipped the scales for them. It seems like we who are not so desperate for cash can have good reasons for choosing the work we do, yet we assume those who need money more urgently can only be driven by pure need. I don't really like that.
@mommy_dearest: Yeah, exactly, I'm going to be a teacher, and altruism plays a role, but I damn well expect to be compensated. And if the pros (challenging, people-oriented work that's a good fit for my personality, making a difference, benefits, decent job security) don't outweigh the cons (relatively low pay, little room for advancement, administrative bullshit), then I wouldn't do it.
Actually, that's not altruism at all, huh? That's a cost benefit analysis, in which my personal satisfaction at doing something that I think it meaningful is a strong benefit.
@mommy_dearest: I agree. I mean, these women could also become prostitutes or drug dealers (which, now that I think of it are also providing a much desired service to people), but are instead choosing something that will much a huge, huge difference to a couple.
I think surrogacy needs to have very strong screening procedures though, or this could turn into something sketchy.
We're encouraging my sister-in-law to become a paid surrogate. That way she'll get the pregnancy attention she so desperately craves with the benefit of her three existing kids not having to split their already scant resources yet another way. She'll get attention, her kids will have enough to eat and another family will get the baby they want -- everyone wins!
@SarahMC: What is this attention you all speak of? I have not experienced it so far in the last 8 months. I have, however, gotten out of cleaning the litter box - which is pretty rad.
@scullymurphy: Someone let me cut in line yesterday and it took me ten minutes to figure out it was probably because of my bump. He's the first person to notice in the past 6 months.
I am not altruistic at all. If I didn't drink, smoke or fuck, I would totally look into donating my eggs just for money. Though I don't know if I'd even be accepted-- weight problems run in my family, depression, big noses. Oh well.
If I got a surrogate, I would want to pay her. I would be too suspicious of and feel too guilty toward anyone doing it for free.
It's like how I'm happy to pay someone to watch my terrible dogs but usually won't let friends do it for free. If you don't pay them, you can't tell them how to do it, I feel. Is that crazy?
@Antrack: seriously. I don't even let my friends water my plants without paying them. With payment you can also make demands. If someone fucks up a favor there's not much you can say. Also payment keeps you from feeling like you owe someone. Reciprocity is a natural human impulse.
Yeah it's for cash, but of course of all the demanding things people can do for money you try to pick something you would hate least. So some women absolutely despise being pregnant, so this wouldn't be for them. Just like a stripper or a sex worker can enjoy dancing or sex but ALSO and primarily be in it for the money, just like a psychologist loves counseling but would not do it for free, just like anyone who likes their job but still demands payment!
This is not really comprable, but I foster cats and kittens for my local shelter sometimes, and eveyone always asks me if I don't get attached, but I'm always really happy when they get adopted. I really love seeing them go to a good home, and I'm frankly relieved that I don't have to take care of them anymore. Kittens are a lot of work.
Man, I just keep thinking of Friends in this thread, like how when Phoebe says it's really hard to give away the puppy, but it feels really good, so with a baby it'll be a million times harder but feel a million times better.
@info*ninja: Now I feel like a bad person, because I am giggling at your tearing up at a comment that includes a Friends analogy.
I really like fostering cats, I just hate that it increases the cat poop output in my apartment. I had 5 cats in my apartment this summer, and it was little overwhelming, but now I want to take in another one.
Some day want to foster kids. They at least have the advantage of being able to use the toilet after a certain age.
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
My eggs I am more than willing to part with, but no one's going to want them by the time I'm done with them.
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
The more I think about it, I'd love for her to do the whole pregnancy and mothering thing for me. I will never live up to her. Ack. Well, maybe she feels the same way about me with school and career, but still, anyone can go to school....
12/09/08
good luck with that one.
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
Actually, that's not altruism at all, huh? That's a cost benefit analysis, in which my personal satisfaction at doing something that I think it meaningful is a strong benefit.
12/09/08
I think surrogacy needs to have very strong screening procedures though, or this could turn into something sketchy.
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
But even then they probably won't take them because alcoholism is rampant in my family. And high blood pressure, too.
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
It's like how I'm happy to pay someone to watch my terrible dogs but usually won't let friends do it for free. If you don't pay them, you can't tell them how to do it, I feel. Is that crazy?
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
12/09/08
Man, I just keep thinking of Friends in this thread, like how when Phoebe says it's really hard to give away the puppy, but it feels really good, so with a baby it'll be a million times harder but feel a million times better.
12/09/08
12/09/08
I really like fostering cats, I just hate that it increases the cat poop output in my apartment. I had 5 cats in my apartment this summer, and it was little overwhelming, but now I want to take in another one.
Some day want to foster kids. They at least have the advantage of being able to use the toilet after a certain age.