The 2LoveMyLips gloss is available in five different "seductive" colors. On the website, the product is described as "sasy (sic) zestful two-in-one lip plumping breath freshening lip gloss, cleverly packaged to include a drink spike detector testing kit!" Tracy Whittaker, managing director of 2LoveMy, says that the date rape kit is easy to use and requires only a single drop of the suspicious drink. "If they turn blue tell your friends immediately and get help from security and the police," she said.

The website describes the design more fully. It seems like the gloss is not actually attached to the drug testing strip, but instead comes with a separate card inside the box. In their mission statement, 2LoveMy explains:

Our primary goal is to promote 2 LOVE MY LIPS as a fashionable brand with a distinctive logo that is easily recognisable to women within our target age group of 16 to 50.

2 LOVE MY LIPS aims to bring safety and beauty to the finger tips of women of all ages. A revolutionary female concept, where women's beauty and safety blend together so transparently that the customer buys beauty and acquires safety almost subliminally.

Something about this rubs me the wrong way. It is great that they want to help women avoid creepy rapist assholes, but it seems a little odd that this is marketed as the merger of beauty and safety. Whittaker says she hopes to sell the gloss in vending machines and bar toilets, the very places, Cosmetics Design notes, that women will need it most. This just seems like an obnoxious way to sell their lip gloss to scared women, who are forced to buy their pricey ($16 plus tax!) product when what they really want is a way to tell whether or not they are in immediate physical danger. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but given all the restrictions stated on their website (you cannot use the test with wine, most fruit juices, and the test does not detect Rohypnol), it may just give women a false sense of safety while promoting sales of yet another beauty product we don't really need. In fact, the best thing about 2LoveMyLips is a paragraph on the company's website that advises women to buy their own drinks, throw out any beverages that have been left unattended, and trust their own instincts. But if we do all that, what's the use of the lip gloss?

Date Rape-Preventing Lip Gloss Debuts [Cosmetics Design]
2LoveMyLips [Official Site]

• Iranian police warned shopkeepers today not to use any mannequins with visible curves. Mannequins are also barred from appearing in windows without a headscarf. • In response to an abysmally low conviction rate for reported rapes, British officials have ordered a review of how rape victims are treated by authorities from the moment they report the assault onward. • Elizaveta Mukasei, who, with her husband, Mikhail, spied during the cold war for the KGB, has died at 97. The New York Times calls the Mukaseis "one of the most famous husband-and-wife duos in the history of espionage." • A new study reveals that more adults than previously thought (three out of five) have suffered from depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol addiction or marijuana abuse at some point in their lives. Previous studies had placed the number much lower, but they also did not follow participants over time, which doctors believe has lead to a more accurate picture of American's mental health. • Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomayor, who is a Yankees fan, is scheduled to throw out the first pitch on Saturday before New York's game against the Boston Red Sox. • A three-year custody battle over Dexter the pug has finally come to a close. A judge ruled that the dog will spend five weeks at a time with each of his owners. • Swedish female soldiers are demanding that the military provide them with combat-tested bras because the sports bras they're forced to buy unhook too easily. Men are provided with military-issue underwear, but there are no military-issue bras, so women have to buy their own. • According to the Census Bureau, 27% of gay couples say they are in a relationship "akin to husband-and-wife." This number is much higher than the number of gay couples who have been legally married, and analysts say it reflects the couples who would get married if they were granted equal rights. However, there were fewer same-sex couples reported this year than last, but that may be because fewer straight couples checked the wrong box on their forms. • Researchers have found that mice who are fed alcohol at a young age are more likely to make stupid decisions when they reach adulthood. Although this does not mean people who drink as teens grow up to be risk-takers, it does open up the possibility that the two things are related. • Tanning salons generally do not allow minors to visit without parental permission, but once they are in the door, they do not limit the number of tanning sessions allowed, a recent undercover operation found. •  A girls school in Pakistan was the target of another terrorist attack this Tuesday. Authorities believe the building was blown up by Islamist militants. • Researchers say when people are stressed they actually choose less familiar foods rather than "comfort foods." Study participants were asked to rate the level of change in their lives, then choose between American potato chips and British chips with odd flavors like Camembert and plum. Those experiencing more change were more likely to choose the unusual chips. • Australia's parliament will debate a bill that will decide whether two Kenyan woman can stay in the country as refugees, or if they will be forced to return and undergo female genital mutilation. Grace Gichuhi is seeking asylum because the Mungiki sect that killed her mother for refusing FGM wants to murder her for the same reason. She and fellow Kenyan Teresia Ndikaru Muturi both fled the country, but they'll be deported unless the parliament votes to expand refugee protection laws. • Researchers say people who are dieting should beware of naturally skinny friends who eat too much. 210 students participated in experiments in which a thin or overweight researcher ate snacks with them while watching a movie. The subject's portion choices mimicked the researcher's, but they adjusted and took a smaller portion if the researcher was overweight. • British Attorney General Baroness Scotland has been fined £5,000 for employing a housekeeper who wasn't allowed to work in the U.K. She didn't know it when she hired the housekeeper, but didn't keep a copy of her documents as required by law. • More women are murdered by men in Louisiana than anywhere else in the United States, according to a report from the Violence Policy Center. The national rate of women being murdered by men is 1.3 per 100,000, but in 2007 Louisiana's rate was 2.53 per 100,000. Alaska and Wyoming had the second and third highest rates. • A 19-year-old Indian girl confessed that she and her 20-year-old boyfriend strangled seven members of her family who opposed their relationship. They are charged with murdering her mother, father, grandmother, and four other relatives after lacing the family meal with a sedative. The family wouldn't let them marry because they belong to the same gotra, a group descended from a common ancestor. • Ron Paul on his appearance in the film Brüno: "I don't feel good about it because I was the subject of a trick, and nobody likes to be tricked. I understand they're not making a tremendous amount of money off this movie, so maybe the American people aren't as cynical as they assumed." •

Researchers used data from the Nord-Trondelag Health study that included information about the drinking habits and mental health of more than 38,000 participants. They found that those who reported no alcohol consumption during a two-week period were more likely to report depression than moderate drinkers (defined by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services as drinking no more than one drink a day for women, and no more than two for men. Of course, standards may be different in Norway).

The highest risk for depression was found among the group who called themselves "abstainers." Researchers are not sure how to explain this. Indeed, it seems strange that depression would be found among those who do not self medicate with alcohol. We have become used to associating alcoholism with depression, so it is surprising to have abstinence linked to mental illness as well. Researchers also found that 14% of the abstainers had previously been heavy drinkers, which kind of makes sense, but does not explain the connection for the other 86%. The only explanation suggested by the authors of the study is that, in societies where drinking is common, even normal, abstinence may be associated with the socially marginalized, or with particular personality traits that are associated with depression.

But all hope is not lost for the non-drinking depressed folk: Some scientists believe that depression may serve an evolutionary function. Various studies have found that people in a depressed mood are better at solving problems, both social and mathematical. An article published last week in Scientific American expounds on the theory that the tortuous ruminations that characterize the severely depressed may in fact aid in problem solving. The critical thinking involved in depression may have lead our brains to evolve with a predisposition toward sadness. "The capacity to feel presumably helps us solve problems and survive, and is essential for group living, and perhaps inconsolable depression is simply emotional baggage that tags along with the good stuff. Or maybe unhappiness and a tendency towards suicide is the product of the uncontrolled nature of our quicksilver minds," wrote Meredith Small in an article for LiveScience last year.

Alcohol Abstinence Linked To Depression [UPI]
Why Did Evolution Produce Depression [LiveScience]
Depression's Evolutionary Roots [Scientific American]

Brownell, author of Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore, writes in Women's eNews,

Since becoming a mother five years before, I've longed to hang on to a part of myself that isn't smeared in Mommy goo. The part that laughs at parties, looks good in heels and earns a living while spending quality time with loved ones. I want to be the anti-June Cleaver, the un-wife, the un-mother, loving and present, but not invisible or brainless.

And while it is gravely oversimplifying to say this is why I drink, drinking does begin as a bulwark against the onslaught of mama drones, an enjoyable evening ritual, a life raft—cheaper and easier to do with young children than yoga or running. Only later does it become the best part of every day.

If Brownell's experience is any guide, far from keeping women from drinking, the stereotype of the mother as angel in the house may actually drive them to it. For her, drinking was a way of recapturing an old identity, an identity partially erased by society's assumptions that moms are no fun, don't look good in heels, and are brainless.

Cheever (a sober alcoholic whose father John Cheever had alcohol problems too) focuses mainly on America's widespread acceptance of drinking — and, in some situations, even of drinking and driving — but she also offers a telling speculation about Schuler's thought process:

Diane Schuler was a mother of two small children who loaded her own kids and three others into her minivan for a long drive home from a camping trip. Small children, because they are so tied to our hearts, have the ability to drive us crazy with their complaints and carsickness and impatience. (Small kids are special in this regard.) Perhaps to fortify herself for the drive, Schuler reached for vodka and pot, substances she had probably used in the past. It may not seem obvious to someone who has never had a drinking problem, but for a woman whose most reliable support had become alcohol, it could make a kind of sad, twisted sense.

Dealing with kids, Cheever points out, is hard. It's especially hard when your "marriage starts having more bad days than good," as Brownell's and possibly Schuler's did. And for some moms, alcohol can be a refuge from these difficulties. In an old but highly worth-reading article, also in Women's eNews, Gretchen Cook writes that "society has generally stereotyped alcoholics as the guy curled up with his bottle on Skid Row," and this severely hampers efforts to help women like Schuler. Cook talks to Tracey Deschaine, a nurse who has worked in recovery centers and who says that the Alcoholics Anonymous approach most popular for treating alcoholism isn't well-suited to women. She's especially critical of the First Step, which requires AA members to admit powerlessness over alcohol. She tells Cook,

Women have known all along they're powerless, that's part of the reason they fall victim to drugs or alcohol. They need to be told they have power inside them to get well. And in the Fourth Step, you have to go out and emotionally flog yourself. Nobody has to tell women to flog themselves. They do it all the time.

While the idea that all women emotionally flog themselves is a stereotype itself, it's worth noting that AA encourages people to embrace a feeling many women struggle against: the feeling that outside forces control their lives. Some of these outside forces — damaging assumptions about motherhood, lack of readily available childcare help, higher expectations of mothers than of fathers — need to be challenged, not accepted. Only when we recognize that mothers aren't perfect, and that they sometimes use dangerous coping mechanisms to deal with the very real stresses of their lives, will we be able to stop Diane Schuler's tragedy from repeating itself.

"How Could She?" Well, I Have A Theory [Salon]
At First, Drinking Made It Easier to Be a Mom [Women's eNews]
New Research Confirms Alcohol Is Gender-Sensitive [Women's eNews]

Earlier: Why Are We So Shocked When Moms Drive Drunk?

Sarah Haskins in Target Women: Charm School [Current]

Earlier: All Sarah Haskins Posts
Condoms, Cleaning Supplies & Crap: A Q&A With Sarah Haskins

According to Copyranter, Israeli ad agency McCann Digital launched the "Get An Ugly Girlfriend!" site in Hebrew and English along with a Hebrew-only facebook group to promote the fruit-flavored alcoholic beverages.

The site suggests that like Bacardi Breezers, ugly friends come in several different varieties and women can use them to appear more attractive in social situations, such as at the beach:


Or at the mall:

While misogyny is rampant in alcohol advertising, usually those campaigns are aimed at men. It's unclear why advertisers thought showing pictures of women they deem hideous along with degrading comments would make ladies line up for Bacardi.

Get An Ugly Girlfriend!
Bacardi Says The Hot Accessory This Summer Is An "Ugly Girlfriend" [Copyranter]

You know the people I'm talking about, right? The Wine People. The Beer Patrol. The dude who moved off campus junior year and suddenly became an expert in hops but is still about three years away from being an expert in not coming across as a douchebag. Those people. On the other hand, it's never fun to be sitting next to Drunky McDrool who reeks of Natty Light (what up Boston) and says his only specifications for a beer are "A. It gets me drunk, and B. It gets me drunk fast and cheap." Unless he's a really hilarious drunk, and then it's good times for all.

In any case, the Beer People and the Drunky McDrools of the world always seem to represent the two extremes when it comes to those who enjoy, as Jemaine would say, "a nice delicious glass of beer." But what about the ladies, ladies? There are always bullshit articles about "what your drink of choice says about you," and so on, and the marketing of beer towards women seems to be aimed more at light, "sexy" beers that will get you drunk without giving you a gut. In Britain, women seem to be turning away from beer, due to fears of weight gain and the idea that beer is a "manly" drink. Project Eve, a multimillion dollar ad campaign, aims to change the way women view beer....by introducing the concept of "female-friendly" brews.

"We are encouraging women to have a choice," Kristy McCready, MD, tells the Times of London, "We want to listen to women about what they want, get behind what they want and then speak to the licensed trade. We hope to change the landscape of beer." McCready aims to draw women back to beer by introducing "female-friendly" blends using ingredients such as elderberry and elderflower in order to promote beer more as a healthy ale than something one would drink from a funnel. Awesome. Now not only do we have the Beer People and Drunky McDrool, but we have The Girlie Beer Brigade who will scold you for ordering a Yuengling when you should have ordered a female-friendly blend that will undoubtedly be named after a shoe or a purse or a pony. Or maybe they'll just call it "I Can't Believe It's Not Yogurt But It's Still A Female Friendly Source Of Nourishment!"

Like I said, I'm not a huge drinker, but the idea of branding beer as "female-friendly" is a bit gross: do we really need Girlie Beer to give women healthy attitudes about drinking and moderation? Can't women just drink beer because they want to drink beer? Do we have to throw in a ton of ridiculous "female-friendly" ingredients just to push a product? What say you commenters? Are "female-friendly" brews a good way to get women to open up to drinking beer, or is this just another unnecessary attempt to make a few bucks by slapping a "female-friendly" label on something many women happily drink anyway?

Why Don't Women Drink Beer? [Times Of London]

Almost everyone agrees that the "zero-tolerance" policy recommended by U.S. doctors is unduly strict, and in Europe pregnant women are generally allowed a glass or two a week with no foreseeable damage to the fetus. So, sure, plenty of people find forbidding an adult woman the occasional drink to be, in a word, paternalistic. But "medical legal expert" Dr Colin Gavaghan has taken the argument a step further, calling such strictures "sexist" and "ethically dubious."

Gavaghan's point, presumably, is that the medical establishment's unilateral ban on alcohol during pregnancy only affects women. Which is inarguable, except I guess in the case of those sensitive fathers-to-be who like to share every facet of the shared pregnancy and willingly abstain from drinking out of solidarity. "Ethically dubious" refers to a sweeping recommendation made on fairly scant evidence - it's not been proven that very moderate drinking harms the baby - and so might be construed more as "medical ass-covering" than "full disclosure." The second part, we suppose we get. But if it's true, we're gonna go out on a limb and say that these same cautious doctors would probably be just as quick to ban pregnant men from drinking, too.

But, logic - and overly free use of words - aside, isn't there always a degree of paternalism to the regulation of alcohol? Kids can't drink. And it's up to a bartender's discretion to decide when someone has "had enough" - even if that person, is, legally, a consenting adult. Also, let's talk turkey: female drinking is up - especially binge-drinking in the UK - and however paternalistic, there's something to be said for making women aware of the risks of their behavior, if it can be done without unnecessary alarmism. To the extent that Gavaghan's argument rests on "informed choice," then yes, we agree. But he undermines it with his absurd sexism charges - and we rather resent the notion that this might have been intended to sway us, the target demo, with a buzzword. As the New York Times' etiquette columnist put it rather more moderately over the weekend, "There's no law requiring pregnant women to become vestal virgins. And a reasonable mother-to-be is the best judge of her behavior." True, but the fiction that we can live any facet of our public health lives, in the modern age, free of paternalism seems disingenuous - particularly to a "legal expert" who should at least recognize that to some, our society must seem too litigious to be trusted with all the facts.

Telling Pregnant Women Not To Drink Is 'Sexist' [Telegraph]
It's Sexist To Tell Pregnant Women Not To Drink, Says Expert [Daily Mail]
Social Q's: Make Mine a Double [NY Times]

Despite having, according to legend, invented the cocktail, the female bartender has had a hard road. According to a WSJ article on the history of the profession, since the 19th century there have been laws on the books prohibiting women from working behind the bar. Post-war, even more legislation went into effect, including a Michigan prohibition that four female bartenders challenged (unsuccessfully) all the way to the Supreme Court. Female bartenders didn't become legal in California until 1971 - and then only because "a topless bar called Sail'er Inn...wanted to move some dancers behind the bar to mix drinks in dishabille." Indeed, the first wave of 1970s female bartenders were considered a profitable investment but not, as the article says, due to "skills in actually making drinks."

The rationale for excluding women was a combination of cronyism and paternalism. Men wanted the jobs; others didn't want women corrupted by the atmosphere. According to my boyfriend, his grandfather wouldn't let Grandma Minnie anywhere near the saloon he ran for local steelworkers; that the one time she came in she found him fox-trotting with a "floozie" to some hot jukebox jazz may have had a little something to do with it too.

Nowadays, although male bartenders still outnumber their female counterparts, it's largely an open playing field. I queried some of beer-slinging gals I know for their take. One career bartender, Betsy, asserted that "it used to be, like in the 70s, you had two kinds: the sexy girl who got big tips, and the bitch who kept order. Now, I feel like you don't need to play to that." Everyone said there are jerks who regard female bartenders as fair game - "but the flip side of that card is big tips, however philosophically problematic. Way more than male counterparts" - and no one I talked to felt that their sex was problematic in terms of physical stuff like throwing drunks out. "Although once I called for reinforcements on a rowdy night," says on Brooklyn woman. I also wanted to hear their takes on one bartender's assertion in the article that female bartenders employ "a nurturing nature not common to men in the business." "Oh yeah," replied one. "All those tender squeezings of limes." Said Betsy, "in one of the fancy new cocktail bars? Maybe sometimes women have an attention to detail...but whatever, I have ADD, so forget the generalizations, ok? And when it comes to pulling beers, who cares?"

Women Behind Bars [Wall Street Journal]

•  A recent study has found that alcohol has no effect on one's ability to judge age, which is bad news for anyone who wants to claim being drunk as an excuse for sleeping with a minor. Also: alcohol had a "significant impact" on making older faces with a lot of makeup appear more attractive to participants. • A North Carolina State University design team is working on making new, less revealing, and hopefully more comfortable, hospital gowns. • New research suggests that there may be a link between perfectionism and binge eating. • Ever wondered what a pro-abortion diet would look like? World of Wonder has the answer. • Today's New York Times profiles Allannah Thomas, who works with a nonprofit group to help low-income women achieve their full potential through math classes. • Meet Jennifer Fearing, the "rising star" of California's animal rights movement. Despite her fear of birds, Fearing has worked to improve the lives of farm raised chickens across the state. •  Police in Tracy, CA have received dozens of calls from people who simply cannot believe that Melissa Huckaby, as a woman, was capable of raping and murdering someone else's daughter. • Click here to watch a strange and disjointed time-lapse video that explains how babies are really made. • Is Katie Price (more commonly known as Jordan) a feminist icon? We're going with no, but the Times makes an interesting case for the famous glamor model. • More than 20 polo horses died this Sunday in Wellington, Florida. 15 of the horses died instantly, while the rest lingered for almost an hour. Experts are still searching for the cause of death. •

An essay in the New York Times takes on the issue of parental drinking - or, rather, lack thereof. The author, Anna Fricke, is a hard drinker with a long history of alcohol-fueled escapades in her past, all of which come to an abrupt halt when she falls pregnant (as the Brits would have it.)

I felt maternal, wise and frankly relieved. I had worried for years that the alcoholism that ran in my New England stock had snuck into my veins and it was good to know that I could painlessly, easily, give up alcohol when necessary. And so, for 13 months, I didn't touch a drop. And then I had a baby.

Having a baby is, of course, probably as exhausting and draining as it is exhilarating.

I cannot speak for all babies, but at the end of a long day with mine … sometimes I want a drink. Not a large one, not a hard one. Just enough of one to ease the tension of the knotted back that comes with carrying a 20 pound baby around. Enough to quiet the voices that question, "Is she eating enough? Am I promoting her self-confidence? Should we listen to more Mozart and less Death Cab For Cutie? Should I be teaching her sign language? Or Italian?" After months of willingly sacrificing my body and everything that went into it for the well-being of my child, I started to revel in taking a little of myself back. At night, after she was soundly asleep, I would cook my husband and myself dinner and pour a luxurious glass of wine. I sautéed, I sipped. It was just like the good old days.

"Death Cab for Cutie" reference aside (which just makes me wonder what other bands were considered and rejected for the throwaway), this seems completely natural, normal and reasonable. After all, it's well known that American doctors are far more draconian about alcohol consumption than their European counterparts, and even the strictest of pediatricians doesn't begrudge a new mother the occasional glass of wine. And as Fricke observes, it's not even the drinking itself that's at issue:

it's not the alcohol I miss. It's the immaturity. The selfishness. The wasted days frittered away recuperating from the wasted nights. It all turned around so quickly. I wasn't prepared to be this person. A person who can clearly recall all the events of the night before. Who can be the designated driver. Who can go to a work party without apologizing the next day. This must be parenthood. I would toast this milestone, but I have pears to puree.

The essay did leave me wondering, though: why is drinking still the milestone for virtue? Why is it so morally weighted? Like food, why must drinking be burdened by context and judgment, good or evil, abstinence or excess? The very real medical implications aside - and flirting with a family history of alcoholism is not a joke - the phenomenon seems socially unhealthy. If we're going to do the cross-cultural thing, after all, this is not a universal phenomenon, and no study of female binge drinking fails to mention that Europeans - the same cultures that allow for a little wine while nursing or pregnancy - don't, as a rule, indulge in this particular form of excess. It's like in some ways we're still living in the shadow of Prohibition. Maybe if "responsibility" wasn't regarded as so diametric an opposition to freedom, it would seem less scary. Or maybe not. But this much I do know: Fricke needn't be defensive about the occasional glass of wine.

Moderation And The Modern Mom [New York Times]

The Hindu group, called Sri Ram Sena, also denounced Valentine's Day. Some government officials are joining the culture wars — one called shopping malls "havens of hand-holding." But India's women and child development minister criticized Sri Ram Sena's tactics as "Talibanization." Twenty-one-year-old Sanah Galgotia says the debate rages within Indian women as well, that they alternate "between being assertive and subservient and then judging others for tilting one way or the other." "In India," she says, "no matter how modern you are, you're still in this schizophrenic nonmodern thing." She adds, "We are globalized in our lifestyle, but very Indian at heart. I know I am." [NY Times]

The study, which surveyed over 1,500 Australian men, found that drinkers — even binge drinkers — reported lower rates of erectile dysfunction than teetotallers. Smokers, men who suffered from heart disease, and former drinkers who were on the wagon admitted to more problems with so-called "brewer's droop." (And how I love that term. Much less crass than "whiskey dick," don't you think? It sounds like something you could comfortably discuss with your mother/neighbor/clergyman.)

Sayeth the Mail: "These findings suggest a favourable association between low-risk drinking and positive erectile function."

Lest you find the Mail a specious source of sexual science, New Scientist also reports on these findings, but cautions that it is "socially irresponsible" to think binge drinkers get an immediate benefit. Moderate drinking may simply "protect against impotence in the long term."

So there you go. Forget all your "personal anecdotal evidence" about perpetually smashed frat boys and their propensity for limp, wheezing, sometimes tearful post-Beer-pong seduction sessions. They were simply investing in their long-term sexual health. This is science. After all, why would bunch of hard-drinking Australian men lie about their sexual performance?

Alcohol Makes Men BETTER In the Bedroom, Scientists Claim [Daily Mail]
Alcohol Stops Men Being A Flop In Bed [New Scientist]

"We found that, compared to those who have never touched alcohol, many people do benefit from some alcohol, including some people who drink outside the guidelines,'' says Dr. Kew-Kim Chew, who led the study at Western Australia's Keogh Institute for Medical Research. After studying the habits of 1580 Australian men, it was found that men who drank within recommended guidelines had 30% fewer problems during sex than teetotalers, and, according to Clair Weaver of The Sunday Telegraph, "Even binge drinkers had lower rates of erectile dysfunction than those who never drank, although this type of drinking can cause other health problems." And if that isn't wacky enough, ex-drinkers were the ones with the highest rates of erectile dysfunction. (That sound you just heard was a million guys, giving up their New Year's resolution to drink less. Or perhaps a "WTF" sigh from your straight-edge boyfriend.)

There's no real reason given for the increase in performance that alcohol provides, though one would suspect a sense of relaxation and a lessened sense of anxiety helps a bit. Though it's important to remember that men who drink inside the recommended guidelines have the best performance, so if DrinkyPants McGee corners you tonight and tells you how awesome drunken sex with him will be before he vomits all over your shoes, starts singing "Sweet Caroline" and then begins to cry about the dog he had when he was 7, you might want to consider some other options. I'm just sayin'.

Want Better Sex, Fellas? Have A Stiff Drink [The Sunday Telegraph]

In most respects, Crosley's drinkin' trajectory is not unusual: after the Lay's incident, it takes her a while to "get" drinking.

I felt the same way about drinking as I did about using public restrooms. That is to say, I felt like I was missing something fundamental to the experience. I will never grasp what other women are doing in there that I am not. Especially if there’s no mirror. Men tend to think my restroom speed should be a source of pride. Instead, it just makes me question my own hygiene habits. Similarly, my distaste for liquor did not strike me as morally admirable, but as one more bullet point on the list of things that were freakishly wrong with me. I was not under the illusion that my body was my temple. In fact, all I wanted was to make my body my garbage disposal like the rest of my peers. But I just couldn’t.

Then, after spending time in Scotland, alcohol becomes a way of life. She becomes a Makers/Martini/vodka-soda girl with a passing knowledge of wine and a love of beer, who drinks for pleasure but rarely, at 30, gets drunk-drunk anymore. In other words, a fairly average American drinker.

I had learned to love drinking the way you learn to love anything — by letting it go — and by the time I returned to New York, I was legally of age to drink or not drink as I pleased. And the rest is history. History between me and my vital organs.

We've heard a lot lately about the increase in female alcohol consumption, but this is one of the first acknowledgments I've seen of the food-ruining properties of fire water. And I'd venture to say that this may be a more pressing and problematic issue for us dames as our male counterparts. Crosley actually spews into a bag of Lays'; for most of us, just regurgitating is quite damning enough for the food in question — even if it was just sitting there minding its own business before we decided to douse it in conflicting fermented substances; or even if it was trying to calm the pangs of a drunk tummy. As Crosley says, it's always the food that pays the price rather than the alcohol, which carries the horrible associations and sense memories. (Exception: Angostora Bitters.)

Of course, you don't need to be drunk to have bad food-vomiting associations: a childhood of migraines can result in a lasting distaste for coke syrup — designed to soothe the stomach, but more often greeted in unhappy recognition a few minutes later chez toilet. Stomach flu can ruin just about anything for anyone. And a large sack of Wine Gums consumed during a four-hour French film can do its own dirty work, thanks very much. But none of these unhappy associations carries the taint of self-disgust that an alcohol-ruin does. Had you only eaten more/not mixed drinks/had beer first/gotten that round you didn't want/had more water! You think. And then there's the shame of Not Holding Your Liquor, which really shouldn't be a source of shame at all, but in a world where a woman is supposed to be crazy/sexy/cool/also feminine at all times, sort of is. All of this is to say nothing of hangovers, and when someone needs to take the blame, it's going to be that innocuous sleeve of Ritz crackers, not some versatile mixer. If Lay's is the worst casualty Crosley can claim, she's in pretty good shape, really. Pringles, on the other hand, would be a tragedy.

Letting The Chips Fall [NY Times]

A study showed that women who drank, even moderately, "were less able to detect male facial symmetry, a marker of attractiveness and good genes." Study author Dr. Kristen Oinonen says the women "therefore may find less attractive men more attractive." All women were sober when they took the test, but the more they habitually drank, the worse they did. "Whether or not any damage or deficits are permanent is hard to tell at this point," says Oinonen — but we're not sure if thinking everyone looks pretty hot can really be called a deficit. [Telegraph]

Cheever writes on the New York Times' website that people in New York are drinking less, and she bases this conclusion on the anecdotal evidence that those in her circle are drinking less. Two things about that: Susan, honey, you're 65 years old. Perhaps part of the reason your friends drink less now is that they can't stomach it anymore! But, she takes this opportunity to say that she misses when her buddies used to get fall down drunk because "For us sober people there is a kind of drunkenfreude to watching others embarrass themselves, mangle their words and do things they will regret in the morning — if they even remember them in the morning."

Cheever gleefully describes a friend tottering around at a party a decade ago.

As dessert ended, the woman in the red dress got up and stumbled toward the bathroom… As coffee splashed into porcelain demitasse cups, the woman in the red dress returned, sank sloppily into her chair and reached for the Courvoisier. Someone gently moved the bottle away. “Are you shaying I’m drunk?” she demanded. Even in the candlelight I noticed that the lipstick she had reapplied was slightly to the left of her lips

Would this friend have described herself as merely "tipsy"? Maybe, because according to a new report, women use euphemisms to describe their excessive drinking, and those euphemisms can lead them to underestimate their intake. According to the Telegraph, "Men used more forceful words, like 'hammered' and 'wasted'. The researchers found that when women described an evening's drinking as getting 'tipsy' they were talking about consuming four drinks over two hours which is actually classed as a binge for females."

Moral of these two stories? Beware of getting tipsy, ladies, or your abstemious friends will feel smugly superior. Happy holidays!

Drunkenfreude [NY Times]
'Tipsy' Women Have Drunk More Than They Realise [Telegraph]

Earlier: 'Writer Spawn Susan Cheever's Issues Have Issues