Palin's particular brand of absurdist theater was in fine form, especially in her anti-gun-control sentiments:

you're going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here's how they do it. They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes.

Is she warning Alaska against Miley Cyrus? (Actually, Ben Smith thinks the "starlet" in question might be Ashley Judd, who narrated an ad attacking Palin's record on wolf-hunting.) There's plenty more where that came from — but there's also something more disturbing than sheer silliness at work in Palin's speech. Check this out:

And first, some straight talk for some, just some in the media because another right protected for all of us is freedom of the press, and you all have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate, and exerting power to influence. You represent what could and should be a respected honest profession that could and should be the cornerstone of our democracy. Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that's why our troops are willing to die for you. So, how 'bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quite makin' things up. And don't underestimate the wisdom of the people, and one other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family too, so leave his kids alone.

This kind of anti-press guilt-trip (when you "make things up," you hurt our troops and our children!) isn't new, but Sarah Palin has become a poster child for the idea that no criticism is substantive criticism. Everyone who says something bad about her is attacking her, and not just her qualifications or her experience, but her family, her patriotism, her America. She's careful to say she's talking about "just some" in the press here, but Sarah Palin's basic refusal to engage with people who disagree with her makes her destructive to any sort of shared national discourse. Watch her respond to a heckler at about minute 7:30 of the second part of her speech. She says:

Now, people who know me, and they know how much I love this state, some still are choosing not to hear why I made the decision to chart a new course to advance the state. And it should be so obvious to you. (indicating heckler) It is because I love Alaska this much, sir (at heckler) that I feel it is my duty to avoid the unproductive, typical, politics as usual, lame duck session in one's last year in office. How does that benefit you? No, with this decision now, I will be able to fight even harder for you, for what is right, for truth. And I have never felt like you need a title to do that.

Palin sees anyone who questions her resignation as "are choosing not to hear it" in her, because to anyone who actually heard her, the decision would be "obvious." Obvious because ... she loves Alaska! And because no more politics as usual! Yeah! Watch her bask in the applause at the end of this particular bit to see her in her element — people who don't question her, because she has no real response to those questions. All she can do is criticize the questioners themselves — as inattentive, immoral, or un-American.

On CBS this morning, Ann Coulter called Palin "an amazing speaker," and it's true that she's extremely good at working a crowd — especially if she's serving them hot dogs, or, as David Frum points out, $1,200 oil-money checks. But Frum counters that she's a "divisive" force that could lead the Republican party to "ineffectiveness" in government, and I've never agreed so wholeheartedly with a Republican speechwriter.

The Awl's Alex Balk says of Palin's final official tweet, "this is the most direct, clear, and comprehensible statement she's ever made on the microblogging service." And the message — "Last state twitter. Thank you Alaska! I love you. God bless Alaska. God bless the U.S.A." — certainly makes more sense than anything she's ever said about bears. But what it basically displays is one of Palin's two great skills: pandering to her base. The other is deflecting criticism by making it seem unfair. Neither of these is what we need in a leader. David Frum says it's "impossible" that Sarah Palin could win a presidential election in 2012. Let's hope he's right.

Sarah Palin's Farewell Address - Full Transcript [AKMuckraker]
President Palin 'Impossible' [CBS News]
Sarah Palin Train Choo-Choos Into The Sunset [The Awl]
Never Before... [Politico]

David Von Drehle and Jay Newton-Small (the latter also did a Q&A with Palin in which she lobbed softballs like "Did you feel that the institution of government was no longer the best way to bring change about?") paint Palin as a rugged, unconventional woman from rugged, unconventional Alaska — where the traditional rules of politics and even common sense don't apply. They call her "an Alaska original, raised and ripened in an environment remote, extreme, unfamiliar - and free," and give her ample opportunity to show off her woodsy retreat and facility with fishing metaphors. They write,

With salmon and wood smoke fragrant in the endless summer evening, amid wet socks and waders and red rubber fishing gloves, Palin tells TIME, "I cannot predict what's going to happen. I don't know what doors will be open or closed by then. I was telling Todd today, I was saying, 'Man, I wish we could predict the next fish run so that we know when to be out on the water.' We can't predict the next fish run, much less what's going to happen in 2012."

"In Washington," they point out, this would mean, "I'm running." But not in wild-and-crazy Alaska. There, "her answer could mean exactly what it says - that she doesn't yet know what she'll be doing in 2012. Here, you make each day from the materials at hand." See, Sarah Palin isn't like you and me, raised in the decadent urban fleshpots of the lower 48. She's an "exotic creature" serving in "the remote port of Juneau" and "armed with an anti-résumé" (when it meets a resume, do they explode?) and "if ever there has been a time to gamble on a flimsy résumé, ever a time for the ultimate outsider, this might be it."

Leaving aside the fact that candidates have been trumpeting their outsider status since before Ross Perot, Drehle and Newton-Small reveal a particularly annoying tactic of laudatory Palinography: geographical exceptionalism. Sarah Palin doesn't have to make sense, know facts, or do her job, because she's from Alaska, a bizarro world where up is down, bad is good, and resigning is awesome. Any criticism leveled against her can be turned on its head with this opposite-day rhetoric: normal expectations just don't apply to Palin, because where she's from, they gut expectations and hang them up in smokehouse to dry.

The Weekly Standard's Matthew Continetti gives a disturbing preview of what they call on Battlestar "the shape of things to come." He writes, "one thing you quickly learn about Sarah Palin when you study her career is that she never, ever does things by the book. The lady knows how to make a splash." And, "Palin likes gambles. Her career is filled with firsts." And, "Palin's unconventionality and authenticity is the key to her appeal." And, "Palin is not a normal politician." Okay, we get it. Sarah Palin is special. Sarah Palin cannot be judged by conventional (read: elitist) standards. And from now until 2012, every time someone does try to judge her, conservatives can call this critic conventional (read: elitist) and un-special.

Of course, there is some wrong-headed Palin-judging out there. Steve Chapman's allegation that Palin's appeal is in the lipstick, rather than the pitbull ("it's really not hard to see why Palin inspires such devotion. And I do mean "see." [...] She's a babe, and she doesn't try to hide it") is simplistic and sort of misogynist. And Judith Warner's claim that Palin's peripatetic and undistinguished college career makes her palatable to a nation that mistrusts "uppity," overeducated women makes sense — until you remember that uneducated women get plenty of flak too (plus, Palin's tweeting about Plato now!). Sarah Palin is more than a cipher for supposed American fantasies about hot, dumb women — but she's less than a pioneer.

Perhaps the flip side of the Palin camp's insistence that no criticism of her is valid is how poorly she seems to deal with such criticism. Even the otherwise drooling Continetti and the almost-drooling Drehle and Newton-Small acknowledge this problem. Continetti says that when Palin began responding directly to all the ethics complaints, Letterman jokes, and other negative press that came her way, "her public performances became personal testimonials to the damage the media can inflict on a person's reputation and career." He says, "Palin thought she could respond to every attack. But no one can respond to every attack. Nor should they."

Drehle and Newton-Small say Palin's determination to answer all critics descended into paranoia. They write,

A more experienced, more familiar politician would have been ready for the ramping [up of negative press], but Palin seemed consumed by it. Instead of ignoring hostile bloggers, she combed the Web for their latest postings. At the same time, she assumed the classic role of vice presidential attack dog, making insinuations about Barack Obama's religion and patriotism. She urged the McCain campaign to strike back at every heckler, and when staffers admonished her to remember the big picture, she suspected that she was surrounded by enemies. An armor of suspicion closed her in. Asked recently to name the people Palin trusts for advice, a source close to her answered, "Nobody. I'm not even sure she listens to Todd."

Palin's supporters may believe that her fish-gutting, moose-shooting, "politics as usual"-eschewing pedigree makes her above criticism. But Palin herself is far from above it — she seems obsessed with it. And if there's a chink in her Alaskan armor (during the Time interview, a blue T-shirt reading "Go Slam a Salmon"), this may be it.

The Outsider: Where Is Sarah Palin Going Next? [Time]
Time's Interview with Sarah Palin: 'It's All for Alaska' [Time]
The Secret Of Palin's Staying Power [Chicago Tribune]
Dangerous Resentment [Domestic Disturbances, NYT]
Movin' Out [Weekly Standard]

Related: The Cretin Of The Klondyke Discovers Bartlett's Familiar Quotations [Gawker]

Here's the best we can make of it:

Hi Alaska [1], I appreciate speaking directly TO you, the people I serve, as your Governor [2].

People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing's more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine.

I want Alaskans to grasp what can be in store for our state. We were purchased as a territory because a member of President Abe Lincoln's cabinet, William Seward, providentially saw in this great land, vast riches, beauty, strategic placement on the globe, and opportunity [3]. He boldly looked "North to the Future". But he endured such ridicule and mocking for his vision for Alaska, remember the adversaries scoffed, calling this "Seward's Folly". Seward withstood such disdain [4] as he chose the uncomfortable, unconventional, but RIGHT path to secure Alaska, so Alaska could help secure the United States.

Alaska's mission – to contribute to America [5]. We're strategic IN the world as the air crossroads OF the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent. Bold visionaries knew this - Alaska would be part of America's great destiny.

Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, AND oil and gas. It's energy! God gave us energy [6].

So to serve the state is a humbling responsibility, because I know in my soul that Alaska is of such import, for America's security, in our very volatile world. And you know me by now, I promised even four years ago to show MY independence… no more conventional "politics as usual" [7].

And we are doing well! My administration's accomplishments speak for themselves. We work tirelessly for Alaskans.

We aggressively and responsibly develop our resources because they were created to be used to better our world... to HELP people... and we protect the environment and Alaskans (the resource owners) foremost with our policies.

1. The informal greeting signifies both that Palin is a red-blooded, down-to-earth American (unlike certain hello-saying, term-finishing, snooty liberals) and that the listeners are not just her constituents, subject to her confusing gubernatorial whims, but also her pals.
2. Since the speech is currently available on the web, Palin's team might consider password-protecting it, so that it could be accessed only by patriotic Alaskans, and not by Palin's critics. Possible passwords include: barracuda, tinafeysux, death2moose.
3. Seward is reported to have said, "This fine northerly territory will afford picturesque and instructive views of Russia." Settlers soon found that the ability to "see Russia from their homes" did not improve their understanding of Russo-U.S. relations or global foreign policy in general — hence, the Alaska purchase came to be known as "Seward's Folly."
4. Palin's praise for Stewart's ability to "withstand disdain" is at odds with her own strategy for dealing with detractors, which can best be described as "quitting."
5. Palin favors the sentence fragment. As Kitty Burns Florey illustrates in her helpful diagrams of Palin's sentences, this rhetorical style combines a "folksy" tone with a fundamental disregard for and misunderstanding of the basic conventions of the English language (cf. George W. Bush).
6. For a better understanding of Palin's approach to theology, consult the children's show Veggie Tales.
7. Here Palin appears to be opting for a broad definition of "politics as usual," one that includes such outdated conventions as finishing out one's elected term and completing the job one has promised to do.

Here's some of the things we've done:

[...] [8]

We are doing well! I wish you'd hear MORE from the media of your state's progress and how we tackle Outside interests - daily - SPECIAL interests that would stymie our state. Even those debt-ridden stimulus dollars that would force the heavy hand of federal government into our communities with an "all-knowing attitude" [9] – I have taken the slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto because I know being right is better than being popular [10]. Some of those dollars would harm Alaska and harm America – I resisted those dollars because of the obscene national debt we're forcing our children to pay, because of today's Big Government spending; it's immoral and doesn't even make economic sense!

Another accomplishment – our Law Department protected states' rights – TWO huge U.S. Supreme Court reversals came down against that liberal Ninth Circuit, deciding in OUR state's favor over the last two weeks. We're protectors of our Constitution – federalists protect states' rights as mandated in 10th amendment.

But you don't hear much of the good stuff in the press anymore, do you?

Some say things changed for me on August 29th last year – the day John McCain tapped me to be his running-mate – I say others changed.

Let me speak to that for a minute.

Political operatives descended on Alaska last August, digging for dirt. The ethics law I championed became their weapon of choice [11]. Over the past nine months I've been accused of all sorts of frivolous ethics violations – such as holding a fish in a photograph, wearing a jacket with a logo on it, and answering reporters' questions.

Every one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We've won! But it hasn't been cheap - the State has wasted THOUSANDS of hours of YOUR time and shelled out some two million of YOUR dollars to respond to "opposition research" – that's money NOT going to fund teachers or troopers – or safer roads. And this political absurdity, the "politics of personal destruction" [12]… Todd and I are looking at more than half a million dollars in legal bills in order to set the record straight. And what about the people who offer up these silly accusations? It doesn't cost them a dime so they're not going to stop draining public resources – spending other peoples' money in their game.

It's pretty insane – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with THIS instead of progressing our state now. I know I promised no more "politics as usual," but THIS isn't what anyone had in mind for ALASKA.

8. At this point in the text we have engaged in a common analytical practice known as "cutting out the boring stuff."
9. The image of a "hand" with an "all-knowing attitude" is an unusual one, with little precedent in the literature. Perhaps Palin is envisioning something like this.
10. Here Palin references Hamlet's famous soliloquy. Though Hamlet speaks of "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune," Palin's "slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto" is no less poetic. The Hamlet allusion may also be a coded statement of Palin's plan to feign madness in order to achieve her political aims.
11. Again, Palin employs a combination of metaphors that may be confusing to the untrained eye — she seems to be implying that "political operatives" are using weapons made of dirt. However, such interpretations — or any attempt to impose traditional standards of rhetorical consistency on Palin — can be considered "politics as usual."
12. Palin makes an implicit distinction between the "politics of personal destruction" and her approach, which has never been personal or destructive.

If I have learned one thing: LIFE is about choices! [13]

And one chooses how to react to circumstances. You can choose to engage in things that tear down, or build up. I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity. I choose NOT to tear down and waste precious time; but to build UP this state and our country, and her industrious, generous, patriotic, free people!

Life is too short to compromise time and resources... it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: "Sit down and shut up", but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out [14]. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and "go with the flow".

Nah, only dead fish "go with the flow" [15].

No. Productive, fulfilled people determine where to put their efforts, choosing to wisely utilize precious time... to BUILD UP.

[...]

I've never believed that I, nor anyone else, needs a title to do this - to make a difference... to HELP people [16]. So I choose, for my State and my family, more "freedom" to progress, all the way around... so that Alaska may progress... I will not seek re-election as Governor.

And so as I thought about this announcement that I wouldn't run for re-election and what it means for Alaska, I thought about how much fun some governors have as lame ducks… travel around the state, to the Lower 48 (maybe), overseas on international trade – as so many politicians do. And then I thought – that's what's wrong – many just accept that lame duck status, hit the road, draw the paycheck, and "milk it" [17]. I'm not putting Alaska through that – I promised efficiencies and effectiveness!? That's not how I am wired. I am not wired to operate under the same old "politics as usual." I promised that four years ago – and I meant it.

It's not what is best for Alaska.

I am determined to take the right path for Alaska even though it is unconventional and not so comfortable.

13. The growing resemblance between Palin's style and that of an Onion columnist is presumably unintentional.
14. Though Palin's quitting might be seen by laymen as "a quitter's way out," trained Palinologists will realize that, by the I'm-rubber-you're-glue theorem, calling Palin a quitter is actually a quitter's way out.
15. Ever the innovator, Palin adds the term "dead fish" to the political lexicon, meaning "someone who perseveres in his/her job despite criticism, difficulty, and/or the chance to pursue more television appearances elsewhere."
16. Palin's commitment to "helping people" without a "title" will no doubt hold strong throughout her upcoming campaign for President.
17. Here Palin advances her bold thesis: that serving out the full term for which your constituents elected you is in fact an exploitation of those constituents. No doubt her time after resignation will consist entirely of delivering barrels of crude oil to impoverished Alaskan families and reuniting baby grizzlies with their mothers, and not of "hitting the road" making public appearances in other, more influential states.

[...]

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me - sports... basketball. I use it because you're naïve if you don't see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket... and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can WIN [18]. And I'm doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it's time to pass the ball – for victory.

I have given my reasons candidly and truthfully... and my last day won't be for another few weeks so the transition will be very smooth. In fact, we will look to swear Sean in - in Fairbanks at the conclusion of our Governor's picnics.

I do not want to disappoint anyone with my decision; all I can ask is that you TRUST me with this decision - but it's no more "politics as usual".

Some Alaskans don't mind wasting public dollars and state time. I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor. And my children won't allow it either. ? Some will question the timing. ? Let's just say, this decision has been in the works for awhile...

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life - my children (where the count was unanimous... well, in response to asking: "Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children's future from OUTSIDE the Governor's office?" [19] It was four "yes's" and one "hell yeah!" The "hell yeah" sealed it - and someday I'll talk about the details of that... I think much of it had to do with the kids seeing their baby brother Trig mocked by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently [20].) Um, by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we ALL could learn so much from someone like Trig - I know he needs me, but I need him even more... what a child can offer to set priorities RIGHT - that time is precious... the world needs more "Trigs", not fewer.

My decision was also fortified during this most recent trip to Kosovo and Landstuhl, to visit our wounded soldiers overseas, those who sacrifice themselves in war for OUR freedom and security... we can ALL learn from our selfless Troops... they're bold, they don't give up [21], they take a stand and know that LIFE is short so they choose to NOT waste time. They choose to be productive and to serve something greater than SELF... and to build up their families, their states, our country. These Troops and their important missions - those are truly the worthy causes in this world and should be the public priority with time and resources and NOT this local / superficial wasteful political bloodsport.

May we ALL learn from them!

18. A more appropriate analogy for Palin's actions might be stopping in the middle of the game, tossing the basketball over one's shoulder, and then leaving the court to play an entirely different game, perhaps table tennis or curling.
19. Here Palin displays a skill that will no doubt serve her well in national politics: talking to people as though they are children.
20. By implying that she is leaving office to protect her baby from ridicule, Palin reinforces the idea that her critics are Completely Horrible People.
21. The heroism of America's troops and their perseverance in the face of obstacles might be seen as a rebuke to Palin's decision to leave office when things got tough. However, such linear thinking is yet another example of "politics as usual" (see footnote 11).

*((Gotta put First Things First))*[22]

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska. It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what's best for Alaska. I've explained why... though I think of the saying on my parents' refrigerator that says "Don't explain: your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe you anyway." [23]

But I have given my reasons... no more "politics as usual" and I am taking my fight for what's right - for Alaska - in a new direction.

Now, despite this, I don't want any Alaskan dissuaded from entering politics after seeing this REAL "climate change" that began in August... no, we NEED hardworking, average Americans fighting for what's right! And I will support you because we need YOU and YOU can effect change, and I can too on the outside [24].

[...]

In the words of General MacArthur said, "We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction." [25]

22. The punctuation here suggests that Palin's web communications team is in on the "feigning madness" plan.
23. The other note on the family refrigerator said, "But if you do explain, do so at great length and utilizing many mixed metaphors."
24. Here again Palin employs a rhetorical technique she has likely honed on her children, that of "do as I say, not as I do."
25. Interestingly, all of MacArthur's efforts to "effect change" on World War II "from the outside" were met with failure. He only achieved his famous victories when he commanded actual troops, with actual weapons, in actual battles.

For more overeducated, liberal-media analysis of Palin's maverick rhetoric, see Slate's "close reading" of her Fourth of July Facebook message.

Full Text Of Palin's Resignation Speech [Talking Points Memo]
Reading Palin Plain [Slate]
Diagramming Sarah [Slate]

Sherry's run-in with the law began a few weeks after Sarah Palin — and by association, Sherry's son Levi — hit the national stage. She used the word "coffee" as code for Oxy, and according to the AP:

[In September authorities] intercepted a package containing 179 Oxycontin pills. That led to the arrest of the suspects, who agreed to be informants. According to the affidavit, Johnson sent a text message to one informant on October 1, writing: "Hey, my phones are tapped and reporters and god knows who else is always following me and the family so no privacy. I will let u no when I can go for cof." Ten days after Johnston said there wasn't enough privacy for a drug sale, she texted again to set up a meeting at a store, according to the affidavit. The document says the informant received $800 to make a purchase, meeting investigators later with 10 pills of 80-milligram Oxycontin. A second purchase was made the following day, authorities said. This time the informant wore a hidden camera and a microphone. A third purchase occurred Nov. 26. The informant was wired for the transaction and this time police videotaped the meeting.

Sherry is currently out on bail. Bristol's child was due December 20th, and the press-loving Sarah Palin has been uncharacteristically quiet in the past week or so. It will be interesting to see how the saga of Sarah plays out in the coming months.

Arrest Details On Mom Of Bristol Palin Boyfriend [AP via MSNBC]

Earlier: Wasilla's Finest

• Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid has decided that the entire Democratic caucus will vote next week whether Independent Senator Joe Lieberman will keep his seat as chairman of the Homeland Security Committee after having back John McCain and gone negative against Obama. [TPM Election Central]
• How negative did Lieberman really go? There's a video to count the ways. [Politico]
• And both the Clintons swear that — despite leaked reports that rather obviously came from Lieberman's camp — they aren't pushing to keep Lieberman at Homeland Security or in the caucus. [Politico]
• Racist Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss, who, according to the Constitution represents all the citizens of Georgia regardless of their race, knows the reason he didn't avoid a run-off election because not enough of "his" people turned out. You know, white people. That always vote for the white guy. Because they're white. [Think Progress]

• In the meantime, the Bushies are mad that the Obama folks leaked that Bush will only support an auto industry bailout if the Dems pass the Colombia FTA, as though that wasn't a legit assumption given that the Bushies already told the Hill that exact thing the day before. [Politico]
• Obama released his guidelines covering lobbyists' activities for his transition team and good government types think he is, like, so cool. [The Hill]
• And if the fact that he was able to outspend John McCain by crazy margins wasn't reason enough, it turns out that skipping public financing means Obama's campaign won't face a crazy audit. Raising tons of money means that if they did get some unlawful contributions, they would be so minor the FEC doesn't really care, either. McCain, though, gets the full accountant treatment, which is not as sexy-dirty as it sounds, sort of like how fucking an accountant isn't. [Politico]
• And Latino groups expect that Obama will appoint Latinos to the Cabinet. They are, apparently, pushing for Governor Bill "McGrabbyhands" Richardson, but I'm throwing my completely inconsiderable weight behind New York Congresswoman (and Small Business Committee Chair) Nydia Velázquez for the top spot at the Small Business Administration. LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is supposedly on the list for something (and is, strangely, one of Obama's economic transition advisers), but I think he's more likely to get a sub-Cabinet appointment than a Cabinet slot. [Washington Post]
• Alaska's verified 50,000 of its early and absentee ballots and will start counting them this week to see if convicted and corrupt Senator Ted Stevens will actually win re-election and thus give Governor Sarah Palin a shiny new Senate feather to add to her political cap. [CNN]
• The GOP has started smearing Minnesota's Democratic Secretary of State Mark Ritchie in a misguided attempt to provoke peals of laughter from every Democrat that ever dealt with Katherine Harris and stop the legally-mandated recount in Minnesota because the margin separating Coleman and Franken is still teeny-tiny. Apparently, since 3 people heard him speak at a non-prime-time spot during the Democratic convention, Minnesotans don't need a recount. [TPM Muckraker]
• Noted cursing afficianado Joe Scarborough has earned himself a 7-second on-air delay for saying "Fuck you" earlier this week. My momma would've washed my mouth out with soap, but I could run faster. Not 7 seconds faster, though. [Politico]
• John Edwards has decided to give make his first public appearance following his admission that he fucked around on his wife. What do you think the odds are that audience members will ask him how he's coping with having cuckolded his wife the way that people seemingly insist on asking Elizabeth how she feels about it? Slim to none? [Time]
• Hopefully, the odds are better that the next Congress really will examine Bush's abuses of power next year. [Washington Independent]

Is 'Senator Palin' A Possibility? [The Rachel Maddow Show]

• Obama's announced his transition team co-chairs — the folks that will help pave the way for his Administration, not a shadow Cabinet — and it includes John Podesta, Pete Rouse (Obama's Senate Chief of Staff) and Valerie Garrett. The advisory board to the co-chairs includes former EPA head Carol Browner; former Commerce Secretary William Daley; former transportation secretary Federico Peña; Obama national security adviser Susan Rice; and Governor Janet Napolitano. Don't expect to see those names on a future list of official appointments, though. [Washington Post]
• Obama's first official appointment will, however, be Congressman Rahm Emanuel. [NY Times]
• Four Senate races remain undecided: Alaska and Oregon are too close to call; Minnesota is likely to have an automatic recount; and Georgia's results require a runoff. [CNN]
• But, the anti-abortion "personhood" amendment in Colorado and the abortion ban in South Dakota went down by wide margins. [Denver Post, Argus Leader]

• By the way, when the state of Missouri elected Denise Juneau to be their superintendent of public instruction, they made her the first Native American woman in the state (and probably the first in the nation) to hold statewide office. Are there any other barriers we can bulldoze this week, please? [Missoulian]
• House Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a press conference to state the obvious, which is that, since the economy sucks, Democrats are going to have to set and stick to priorities. Too bad she's spent the last two years proving she knows how to roll over. [Politico]
• Russian President Dmitry Medvedev went out of his way to prove Senator Joe Biden right, threatening to escalate a nuclear standoff with the U.S. in Eastern Europe if Obama moves forward with Bush's missile defense shield there. Cuban Missile Crisis anyone? Bueller? [Washington Post]
• They might be Bushies at heart — and partially responsible for the catastrophe that is the Iraq War and the potential new nuclear standoff for Russia — but electing our first African-American President choked up Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice, too. [CNN, Huffington Post]
• More than 70 percent of unmarried women voted for Obama yesterday, but half of the married ones went for McCain. Can married women please fill the rest of us in on what changes with a ring? [US News & World Report]
• More than 130 million Americans turned out to vote yesterday, or about 64% of eligible voters, making it the biggest election ever and the higher voter turnout in a long damn time. [Politico]
• The ACLU, along with the Lambda Legal and the National Center for Lesbian Rights, have filed a brief with the California Supreme Court arguing that it should rule Proposition 8 invalid if it officially passes. They argue that, since Prop 8 invalidates another section of California's constitution, it requires greater legislative scrutiny than the average ballot initiative. Good luck! [ACLU]

• Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted today of all 7 counts he faced related to not reporting gifts on his Senate financial disclosure forms. He's up for re-election but most sources agree he's unlikely to do time. [CNN]
• The ATF foiled a half-assed plot by a bunch of psycho skinheads to kill a bunch of African-American high schoolers and assassinate Barack Obama. Because, you know, then everyone would be on their side or something. [Huffington Post]
• In other dumb ideas, a GOP group is running $2.5 million worth of Reverend Wright ads in swing states this week. As TNR's Michael Crowley points out, please note how the word "hate" turns into "God" in the middle. Subtle! [The New Republic]
• At a Palin rally in Iowa this weekend, one of her supporters gave up on using subtle terms like "terrorist" or "traitor" or "socialist" or "communist" and loudly expressed why she thinks people shouldn't vote for Obama: "n*****." Palin, naturally, stumbled in her speech but didn't say a word and neither did the crowd. [YouTube]

• A bunch of hateful racist asswipes tore down the sign marking the location in Tallahatchie County, Mississippi where authorities recovered Emmett Till's body in 1955. Emmett Till was the 14-year-old victim of a vicious, racist attack for which the two white guys who admitted to it were later acquitted by an all-white jury. Police think the racist vandals might have chucked the sign in the river. What the fuck is wrong with people? [MSNBC]
• Just in case you didn't know, the bullshit line of the religious groups trying to get Proposition 8 passed in California is that it will be the end of religious freedom because it will force them to marry gay people. Of course, Catholics churches can refuse to marry non-Catholics and every other religion can impose rules and whatever, but logic is totes overrated. [NY Times]
• Oh, and the Yes on Prop 8 hatemongers are attempting to blackmail California businesses into supporting their cause by threatening to expose their tolerance to homophobes that would boycott them. [KFMB]
• A self-identifying Republican launched a series of robocalls against incumbent Republican Mike Thompson inspired by phone sex. It's, um, creepy. [Huffington Post]
• The lady who survived her mother's attempt to abort her has another anti-Obama ad up. If you thought McCain was condescending in the debates, try her on for size. [Politico]
• But 7 members of the cast of The Wire are going to be campaigning for Obama in North Carolina tomorrow. That's about all I got for uplifting news, sorry.

According to Talk Left, "Palin opposes subsistence protections in marine waters, on many of the lands that Natives selected under their 1971 land claims settlement with the state and federal governments, and in many of the rivers where Alaska Natives customarily fish." An unnamed lawyer says, "Palin’s lawsuits are a direct attack on the core way of life of Native Tribes in rural Alaska." Evon Peter, former Chief of the Neetsaii Gwich'in tribe from Arctic Village, whose wife is Navajo (from Arizona) is probably not voting McCain/Palin. He writes:

Palin chooses options that very well may result in the extinguishment of some of the last remaining intact ecosystems and original cultures in all of North America. Palin is also promoting off shore oil drilling and increased mining in sensitive areas of Alaska, all of which would have a lifespan of far fewer years than my grandfather walked on this earth and which would not even make a smidgen of an impact on national consumption rates or longer term sustainability. McCain was once a champion of protecting the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and it is sad to see, that with Palin on board, he is no longer vocal and perhaps even giving up on what he believes in to satisfy Palin's position.

Isn't it strange that the woman who claims to love the outdoors also chants "drill, baby drill" ? As Peter points out, "Palin also chose not to mention the connection between oil development and global warming, which is wreaking havoc on Alaska Native villages." And does it make any sense that the Governor supports hunting and fishing for sport, but not for subsistence and tradition?

Palin's Poor Record on Alaskan Native Issues [Talk Left]
An Alaska Native Speaks Out on Palin, Oil, and Alaska [Organic Consumers Association]

Photo via Field & Stream

For starters, the inquiry surrounded the firing of Monegan, which has been ruled legal. This will allow her to claim — as she's doing — that the legality of her consequential actions has been upheld. Furthermore, her other actions — which she's claiming were technically outside the scope of the investigation — aren't likely to have many consequences other than in terms of public relations and were completely ineffective. Wooten remains a trooper, never got denied his worker's comp and no one besides Monegan ended up on the outs. She'll be dirtied, slightly, by the allegations that she attempted to get her former brother-in-law fired, but most people pretty much already knew that she did that.

If she and her advisers were smart, they would have made much more of the restraining order her sister filed, the ugliness that supposedly came her way, the events that Wooten showed up at that he was asked to stay away from, and generally painted her as so legitimately concerned for her own safety and that or her sister's that she maybe went ever-so-slightly over the line in trying to make sure no harm came to her sister or her own family. Luckily for those of us that don't want to see people sympathize too much with her, her advisers came from the locked-down, deny-everything school of political management and thus were unable to see a better narrative than "she didn't do it" and now that it's confirmed that she did, they're not going to have an easy time finding a new narrative.

Though, it is kind of ironic that she was claiming that she fired the guy for going to Washington to lobby for more money to combat domestic violence when what kicked this all off were allegations against Wooten (that were never proved) of domestic violence.

Alaska Inquiry Concludes Palin Abused Powers [NY Times]
Branchflower Report [NY Times]

MEGAN: Quick! Name a publication you read regularly!

KAY: Wait, wait, I know this answer: "All of them!"

MEGAN: Alaska is a microcosm of America, dontcha know, they get the news up there, as such! (Except in the one part of Alaska that can see Russia, they don't really get the TV signals.)

KAY: Also I love this one: "Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years."

MEGAN: Well, at least that totally explains why she was reading John Birch Society claptrap.

KAY: I mean, I've had interns answer this question better than Sarah Palin did.

MEGAN: Ooh, is that a question you ask in an interview? That's a good one. Has anyone ever said, like, Maxim or Playboy? Because that's what my ex in college subscribed to, if he was being honest.

KAY: I think the trick is to answer that question with the publications you should read even if you don't actually. For instance, Palin was the governor of Alaska. Shouldn't she, um, list an Alaska newspaper?

MEGAN: You mean, like, the Mat-Su Frontiersman, to which she just also gave an "interview" via e-mail? Don't worry, you don't have to read it, it's basically just the same talking points her staff normally has her parrot!

KAY: Well, supposedly she's saving herself for local media on the campaign trail ... except she's not really on the campaign trail either.

MEGAN: She's in Arizona, debating Randy Scheunemann... McCain's foreign policy adviser! Do you think they're debating the merits of the bailout?

KAY: Maybe she's trying to convince them that she knows the economic pain and suffering of Real America (TM) in this financial crisis like she did in that interview with crazy-right wing radio host Hugh Hewitt.

MEGAN: The first time I looked at that, by the way, I totally saw "Hugh Hefner" and my brain kind of exploded.

KAY: HA. Maybe she and your college boyfriend read the same literature and that's why she didn't have an answer to Couric's question. In any case, the Washington Times reported that she and her husband had a combined household income of nearly a quarter million dollars.

MEGAN: Dayum, that's some bank for a seasonal worker and a government employee. Do fish in Alaska shit gold bullion?

KAY: Apparently. They also own "owns a 320-series Piper single-engine airplane and two boats, a 22-foot Pacific Skiff fishing boat and a 22-foot homemade aluminum fishing boat. He also owns two Bombardier personal watercraft, valued at about $7,000." Do you think Real Americans (TM) have planes and boats?

MEGAN: Okay, maybe this makes me not a real America, but how does one go about making a 22 foot aluminum fishing boat at home? Is there, like, a Wasilla community smelter?

KAY: Maybe Todd's smelting in secret.

MEGAN: With his copy of Playboy!

KAY: My favorite part though is they have five properties valued at hundreds of thousands of dollars each and they paid $7,662 in property taxes last year. I think those are the tax cuts for the wealthy at work.

MEGAN: Holy shit, that's amazing. I mean, okay , I'll give that maybe a family of 7 living in Manhattan, $250,000 and a half-million dollar home might be looking at an average level of disposable income after food and whatever.

KAY: Right, but Alaska ain't no Manhattan!

MEGAN: I know! It's not like Wasilla is some accessible-only-by-copter town where shit is flown in — although Kodiak was expensive, it wasn't as pricey as New York City. Like, my folks, in upstate NY: until my dad retired, 2 state incomes (since my mom went back to work after my sister went to college), one home, two cars. Their one house in upstate New York doesn't sit on a scenic lake or anything, but I don't think the view is why it isn't worth $500,000. And they don't make $250,000 a year. Or have "personal watercraft." I think my dad has a 2 seater miniature sailboat (a Sunfish?) that he keeps in the rafters of the garage and has owned since I was a kid.

KAY: I'm from Minnesota, which is probably a lot more comparable cost of living to Alaska, and if you have a half a million dollar home, you are well off.

MEGAN: Dude, if you have that kind of property here, you are living high on the motherfucking hog.

KAY: With lipstick?

MEGAN: We're talking the most expensive lipstick sold in Sephora.

MEGAN: So Jason, another typical day in the world except for the harbingers of the financial apocalypse and all.

JASON: Oh but yes. And welcome to the party, AIG! Pull up a chair. Dig that crazy Friday. It's an unmitigated mess.

MEGAN: Ah, yes, AIG, which keeps telling me over the television that I should choose them for car insurance over Geico. Hmmm, maybe next week...

JASON: Not to worry, of course. Our brave politicians will save us, with platitudes:

"The challenges facing our financial system today are more evidence that too many folks in Washington and on Wall Street weren't minding the store," Obama said in a statement. "Eight years of policies that have shredded consumer protections, loosened oversight and regulation, and encouraged outsized bonuses to CEOs while ignoring middle-class Americans have brought us to the most serious financial crisis since the Great Depression."

MEGAN: Oh, but, at least it's not John McCain's fault or anything.

"I certainly don't fault Sen. McCain for these problems," Obama said, "but I do fault the economic philosophy he subscribes to."

JASON: Right! And then the next graf is about "sleazy ads." Keep watching the shiny object, America. On the upside of course, is that sleazy political ads are at least an economic growth sector.

MEGAN: Hilariously, actually, I was watching Murder She Wrote last night on the Hallmark Channel and every commercial break was a McCain-Palin ad. For 3 full hours, yo. Old people for McCain-Palin!

JASON: But these are tremendous losses that are being socialized. And what's coming next are the auto manufacturers, looking for their bailout. Of course, THEY DIDN'T SEE ANY OF THIS COMING.

MEGAN: Oh, of course they'll get bailed out — Michigan's a swing state.

JASON: But don't worry about a thing, America! The commercial airline industry will TOTALLY KEEP ITSELF ALOFT on their new business model of luggage surcharges.

MEGAN: Also, fuck those luggage surcharges. That shit is really a pain in the ass to expense!

JASON: Word. Our reimbursement forms need a new line item, "RANDOM GOUGING."

MEGAN: Anyway, did you know McCain already has an ad up about the financial crisis? Amusingly, when it says "end special interest giveaways" (except when it involved giveaways to the lobbyists that work for the campaign), it shows a picture of the Lehman Brothers sign. You know, the organization going bankrupt instead of being bailed out? I laughed. Also, by the way, drilling will fix Merrill Lynch.

JASON: Yeah! That's hilarious the way they stuck it to Lehman! Meanwhile, his running mate thinks that Fannie and Freddie were, prior to their bailout, a "too big" burden on taxpayers. And really, McCain needs to stop using oil drilling as the centerpiece of a platter of economic solutions. Drill, baby, drill. I think we might need to start drilling ACTUAL babies, a la a Jonathan Swift solution to our crises.

MEGAN: Well, they are a big burden on taxpayers now! Before, they were privately held! But they support the bail-out. Like George Bush, they want to cut taxes but they will definitely, definitely increase spending.

Also, hilariously, I tried to write an essay for an essay contest in about 2003 that was Jonathan Swift-esque — the question was about the trade-off between freedom and security. But then every time I came up with something that seemed SO ABSURDIST that it couldn't be true, like eating babies, the Republicans went and made it policy. I finally gave up. I think they're reading my mind.

JASON: I want to point out, again, that Carly Fiorina and Franklin Raines both sit on the corporate board of Revolution Health together, and I wonder what they talk about when they are in the same room together. I like to think that they sigh with relief and joke about how no one in their right minds should take either of them seriously. Fiorina was on teevee this Sunday, armed with many a platitude, and only came off looking okay because Claire McCaskill suddenly and unexpectedly veered into the territory of OMG! JOHN MCCAIN IS TEH OLDZ!

MEGAN: Oh, Claire. Shhhh. Everyone knows he's old, but they only care when it's funny. Do you want, by the way, to talk about cronyism in the Palin administrations? Or is it so blindingly obvious that you wonder how there are still people in the world who don't know that every administration is cronyist?

Oh, wait, whoops, cyncism is democracy's biggest enemy! Never mind, rewind...

OMG JASON, Sarah Palin hired her friends when she was mayor and governor! She fired people that worked for her predecessor! I'm shocked! Horrified!

Fuck, that still sounds sarcastic, I give up.

JASON: We're still talking about Palin in America, but now the story is tied to the McCain-lies-all-the-time backlash. I'll tell you, the NY Times chronicles a cronyism that's going to remind many of the Bush years. Obviously, Brownie comes to mind. But for my money, Palin's cronyism smacks of another old master: Marion Shepilov Barry.

MEGAN: But she trusts them, and trust is so important!

JASON: Ha. Funny you should mention trust! Because the added ingredient that Palin brings to Barryism is fear. The one big takeaway from that story, for me, isn't that Palin inserted her unqualified friends in positions, hither and yon, it's that she's rooted not in a populist style of politics - which is how McCain paints her - but in a paranoid style of politics.

MEGAN: See, the only thing I remember about Marion Barry is that he's a crack-smoking whoremonger. I don't fear crack-smoking whoremongers because they're usually too busy smoking crack and paying for sex to mess with me. Oh, you mean Marion Barry made people fear other things, like rampant crime and being caught by someone other than just your wife for being a crack-smoking cheat.

JASON: She's Nixonland's Arctic Circle outpost. Cronies got advanced, loyalty tests were handed out, opponents trashed and fence-sitters squeezed.

MEGAN: Well, I mean, I am a hater. Like terrorists, I hate her freedom. Her freedom to do whatever the hell she wants in government, like solicit and spend the Bridge to Nowhere money and claim no less than 9 times that she turned it down.

JASON: In just my brief toe-dip into AK politics, I've come away with a strong impression that paranoia rules out there. Here's a true story, in fact:

Some time ago, I did a short "Bridge to Nowhere" post. In the course of selecting an image to run alongside, I accidentally grabbed the wrong bridge to nowhere (yes, it seems there were many). I got an email from someone, correcting me, pointing me to the correct image. And I ran a correction, lauding the assister by name. Not fifteen minutes later, I got another email from another Alaskan, warning me to NEVER name anyone who helps out in the course of writing anything critical of Palin. He said, "Everyone knows everyone out here. You could make things very difficult for people."

MEGAN: Oh, that's just sad.

JASON: He went on to list a handful of helpful Alaska blogs, and closed by saying, "DO NOT THANK ME! DO NOT MENTION THAT I GAVE YOU THIS INFORMATION!" I was like: "O-kay, nutlog!"

MEGAN: He then proceeded to erase every electronic mention of his very existence and drop off the grid Ted K. style to escape the clutches of Sarah Palin's minions.

JASON: Exactly. Retreated back into the tundra. Gonna live Jack London-steez.

MEGAN: WAIT! You know what that kind of paranoia reminds me of? Kathleen Willey, who thinks Hillary Clinton's minions killed her cats.

JASON: To think I associate Willey with a more innocent time!

MEGAN: Switching gears, did you know it's all our fault that John McCain is going negative?

Ours and Obama's, of course. We forced him into it! It's the only way he can get press coverage without talking to the press!

JASON: Yes. It's high time we all took responsibility for McCain going negative. It's everyone else's fault. The man has got to win news cycles, after all. Had Obama lent his "celebrity" to McCain's planned "Shambling Town Hall Meeting Tour 2008," everything would have been hunky-dory. But Obama wouldn't get with the program, so America needs to be taught a lesson.

MEGAN: And that lesson is that Barack Obama wants to bring sexytime to your kindergarteners.

JASON: Of course, this shit works, to a certain extent. If Spencer were here, and hopefully, he'll return safely, he'd probably note that ravaging the airwaves with demonstrable lies helps McCain get inside Obama's OODA Loop. "Lipstick on a Pig." I cannot believe GROWN UPS subjected us to pillar-to-post coverage of a fucking APHORISM.

MEGAN: He called her a pig! He called her a pig! LALALALALA I can't hear your logic!
(In other news, yes, I too hope Spencer gets back safely from Afghanistan.)

JASON: It's worth pointing out that at the Pundit Forum in Denver, Stephanopoulos talked about how he and his colleagues had to become "editors" as well as "reporters" because they are besieged with campaign emails on a daily basis and needed to be selective in what they ran. America should remember that it was "Lipstick On A Pig" that everyone decided they'd run with that day. Days before a trio of financial institutions went in the shitter. It took 9/11 NOSTALGIA to end that particular stupidity.

MEGAN: Wait, it's over? Has the media begun its post-mortem yet, trying to explain/apologize for going over the top and running with a fake and stupid story? Because that's the real fat lady singing.

There I go again! I just insulted Snuffleupagus's weight and gender identification!

JASON: Oh, no. That's not going to happen. But I cannot imagine working for a news organization, covering that story. I couldn't believe there wasn't SOMEBODY at, say, MSNBC, who couldn't have suggested, "You know? We could say no to this story. It's really simple. We could just not talk about this."

MEGAN: Oh, see, there you go, doing your part to not destroy democracy with too much cynicism. I won't ruin it by pointing out that the conversation went something like "OMG, Fox News is going to cover this wall-to-wall and we can't miss out on this shit-fest. Advertisers love shit shows!"
Fuck, wait, just ruined it.

JASON: Well, if advertisers love shit-shows, SURELY they'd enjoy the sight of Steve Capus being chased down the street, pelted with dogshit. Honestly, if I could incite your readership to do just that, I'd be a happy man. I'd probably be a JAILED man, but fuck it.

MEGAN: Ladies and gentlemen, start collecting canine fecal matter now!

MOE: Ohhhhh mann, I'm still like on Seattle time or something
MEGAN: I'm on "got home at midnight after an 8 hour drive" fog.
MOE: What should we talk about? Yikes!
MEGAN: Oh, see, I was going to suggest that we talk about how Alaskan Republican Senator Ted "Series of Tubes" Stevens was indicted on 7 counts yesterday, but fetish hookers is way more prurient. Also, rumors around the courts here in D.C. is that touchy-feely ass-grabbing Congressman Don Young is next. Actually, that's just been the rumor for a while, but doesn't it sound cooler when I semi-source it?
MOE: Isn't just the fact that Alaska has two senators corruption in itself?
MEGAN: Well, they do have a whole 100,000 more people than Washington, DC, so of course they deserve 2 Senators and a Congressman and D.C. shouldn't get either.
Geek moment: Did you know that there are more people in Hawai'i than Alaska? Like, almost twice as many.
MOE: Yes. Does that surprise you? Any more than, like, this? Oh god I need coffee.
MEGAN: Back to Stevens, the most hilarious thing of all is that they couldn't charge him with bribery because sometimes he just took the lavish gifts from Veco and told them to fuck off! It's sort of like how Congressmen and Senators feel about campaign contributions only flashier (now including a Land Rover and a Viking Grill!).
As a white resident of upstate New York, I particularly like this statement of Sharpton's:

"We have all made mistakes. We have all erred, and we ought not try to sugar coat when we err."

Oh, really, Al?
MOE: The Ted Stevens thing reminds me of when I used to cover Nike for the Journal, and the guys from SLAM just couldn't figure out why I wasn't allowed to take free shoes. "Sure, it's bribery, but when EVERYONE bribes you you're still objective!"
MEGAN: "As long as you 'slam' them later," right? (Apologies for the bad but necessary pun).Speaking of apologies...
MOE: Jesus this totally makes the AMA's timing look COMPLETELY NORMAL!

In February, the Senate apologized for atrocities committed against Native Americans, and the body apologized in 2005 for standing by during a lynching campaign against African Americans throughout much of the past century. Twenty years ago, Congress apologized for interning Japanese Americans in concentration camps during World War II.

MEGAN: Well, you know, they're really, really worried about reparations. That's, like, a completely legitimate concern.
MOE: As I'm sure is the fact that there is a lot in those Jim Crow laws some Americans still would like to resurrect! Sorry, that's a year old, but I didn't remember it until today.
MEGAN: Luckily for Jonah and at the behest of plenty of Republican state governments, states are passing government-ID laws to make it more difficult for people to vote, especially poor people. You heard, right, that the first people fucked over by that law were a bunch of nuns and students? But it was the Democratic primary, so that was the intention, anyway, to keep Democrats from voting, so hooray Indiana for designing a law that actually works as it was intended. Sort of hooray. More like, um, FUCK YOU Mitch Daniels. Cialis was marketed under his tenure at Lilly, by the way. You knew he was a pharmaceutical company exec before he was OMB Director before he was Governor of Indiana, right?
MOE: Uh no but doesn't that just make this world make a little more sense! That and this guy. Um I just blew some of my literacy reading this. Also, is it just me or is it surprising that nuns of all people would not have their IDs ready? I know they probably don't get carded too often, but isn't it in the nun personality type?
MEGAN: But why would they need an ID? And, yes, OMG, can we please, please, please stop dumbing Michelle Obama down so that people think she's more like them? Please? It makes my brain hurty. Oh, and did you see that the International Olympics Committee negotiated a secret deal with the Chinese to limit journalists' internet access?
MOE: God everytime I think I know how full of shitheads the IOC is I am proved wrong. Who are these IOC officials anyway? Hey, maybe there's a job for Mitt Romney!
MEGAN: Someone's got to give him on eventually if McCain won't. His hair is too bulletproof to retire.
MOE: So $15,000 a month is Rielle Hunter's hush money . I feel like we should do a poll on how much you'd ask if you'd been knocked up by a filthy rich presidential candidate. I think fifteen grand is good, because there's not a whole lot an unimaginative person like myself can't do on that money, but it's not so disgusting people will question her genuine love for the bastard. But hey, where's the "real father" Andrew Young in all of this?
MEGAN:Apparently, getting paid off by the same middleman! That's $180,000 a year, or, if it continues at the same rate, $3.24 million over the next 18, not including tuition. I don't think I'll make $3 million in the next 18 years. Also, can we just discuss how exactly the Enquirer knew that Rielle was in the hotel, whose name she checked in under and when Edwards would show? Because between that and the news that she's negotiating a paid interview, I don't think the "hush" part of the money is working.

• There's probably some economic metaphor to be had in a story about 13 people being trampled by bulls in Pamplona, but then again it might be a cautionary tale about what the tourism industry can convince you is "fun." [Washington Post]
• Speaking of a snow job, guess who is the latest politician calling for a withdrawal timetable in Iraq sooner rather than later? Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, that's who. No worries, Bush and McCain will find other reasons not to withdraw yet. [Washington Post]
• Jim Webb, though, is totally withdrawing from VP consideration, though. [HuffPo]

• In possibly the smartest logistical decision made to date, Barack Obama will accept the nomination at Invesco Field, which seats 75,000 people instead of the 20,000 they can cram into the Pepsi Center where the rest of the convention is being held. Here's to the speech being slightly less of a clusterfuck than every other acceptance speech in the history of televised party conventions. [NY Times]
• Oh, and he's kind of kicking ass at the polls right now, so maybe it won't even be his last? [CQ Politics]
• And, if we're lucky, the good corrupt politicians of Alaska might get their asses kicked both by exorbitant legal bills and at the polls this year. I'll take either one, actually, since they're using donations from lobbyists (mostly oil company types, one assumes) to pay them. In the immortal words of Nelson: Ha-ha. [HuffPo]