ANA MARIE: Good morning.

MEGAN: Hello! I now have coffee brewing, it smells good enough I almost feel like I don't hate the world.

ANA MARIE: I am discussing hotel reward points with other reporters and eating bacon and fruit. THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

MEGAN: Bacon is always a part of the breakfast of champions, and I have now determined what I shall be eating once we finish. Porky deliciousness, which is really just a way to bring up Ted Stevens, who Palin has decided should resign.

ANA MARIE: FINALLY. Next, Palin will appoint herself as replacement.

MEGAN: You know that's coming.

ANA MARIE: Though I do not mean to suggest that Obama is inevitable!

MEGAN: Somehow, though, I don't see her having a warm relationship with Senator McCain when she gets there.

ANA MARIE: We on the trail have been discussing whether or not she will even invite McCain to Bristol's wedding — since he is, you know, the reason why she has to get married. In a just world, he'd officiate.

MEGAN: But they love each other! They always planned to get married! I'll bet she invited him for the gift because you know he ain't flying to Alaska.

ANA MARIE: I actually don't mean to be cynical about that. I mean, I am, but on the other hand: I thought I'd marry my high school bf, too.

MEGAN: Me too! True story: remember those machines in the mall that print business cards and invitations? We printed a fake wedding invite one time.

ANA MARIE:Who do you think WILL have a warm relationship with Sen. McCain? Mel Martinez?

MEGAN: Lindsay Graham's love for McCain will never, ever die.

ANA MARIE: No. He will die wearing the wedding dress he picked out.

MEGAN: He will have to be buried in it. I mean, you gotta admit, he does look really fabulous in it.

ANA MARIE: Guy behind me: "The first polls close in six days, nine hours, and two minutes."

MEGAN: Ok, Rainman. And where do polls close at 5:30?

ANA MARIE: West Viriginia? Maybe he's lying. Some kind of elaborate voter fraud project.

MEGAN: Maybe I am just better at math? It's slightly less elaborate than printing up flyers complete with logos and shit to pretend that Election Day has been moved. I mean, really?

ANA MARIE: What, it hasn't? Shit. I was looking forward to collecting more Hilton Honors points. Also, someone tell Mickey Mouse.

MEGAN: Dude, if they moved it to this week, I would totally be okay with that. It's Wednesday and I'm too tired to move to get the coffee I can now smell. I'm so bored I spent 5 minutes reading about Kwame Kilpatrick's cell and sexy texts just to not think about the election any more and then the damn reporters snuck it in there at the end anyway. Bastards.

ANA MARIE: I was watching a zombie movie last night and couldn't help wondering which party they'd vote for. This election has infected my brain.

MEGAN: I think the zombies, like al Qaeda, would want McCain to win, if only because, what with his arms, he seems like one of them. Yeah, I went there.

ANA MARIE: It's okay. It's hard not to.

MEGAN: Oh, and it turns out that Ashley Todd is not a McCain plant trying to turn people against Obama, she's a Ron Paul plant pretending to be a McCain plant trying to turn people against Obama to turn people against McCain. Soooo crazy. She's like the Manchurian Candidate and shit.

ANA MARIE: Personally, I think zombies would vote for Ron Paul!

MEGAN: He would be like the Pied Piper for zombies, I would agree. All that yelling, they'd be really distracted. Bonus points: after they voted, Ron Paul's living supporters could then serve as sustenance for the zombies. Bonus, bonus points: Democrats could finally accuse Republicans of mining the cemeteries of this great nation for voters.

ANA MARIE: There's a "Chicago machine politician" joke in there somewhere but I haven't finished my bacon.

MEGAN: I need a bacon butler in the morning. And a coffee steward.

ANA MARIE: So did Cindy McCain.

MEGAN: But why did she need John McCain?

ANA MARIE: I think the proper emphasis is, "Why did SHE need John McCain?" Or maybe, "Why did she NEED John McCain?" Sorry, that's totally the lack of bacon talking.

MEGAN: I am seriously going to have to go cook some damn bacon when we finish this.

ANA MARIE: Should we talk about Nicolle Wallace and her sexy under the bus pose?

MEGAN: Yes, I think we should. I'm glad she decided to tell Fred Barnes he'd better apologize.

ANA MARIE: She didn't really tell him that, she just busted out the whoop ass.

MEGAN: Which, good for her, make him squeal like the bitch he is. Who says women can't play political hardball? Don't fuck with Nicolle Wallace.

ANA MARIE: Usually it's just Bill Bennett that makes him do that. She's the velvet fist in an iron glove or whatever. (Speaking of Bill Bennett.) What I loved about Nicolle? She set her sights on Fred and did not let him out during that entire interview. SHE INVOLVED HER DOG IN THE MESSAGING. She's scarier than Mark Salter. He would just hurt you.

MEGAN: Did Fred Barnes make her puppy cry? That bastard!

ANA MARIE: Nicolle can DESTROY YOU. (From the interview: "We reached Wallace Monday night, enjoying a rare evening at home with her dog, Lily, who also joined the conversation at one point. "That's Lily protecting me from Fred Barnes," Wallace explained.")

MEGAN: Nicolle should figure out who suggested to Freddie Back that it was all her fault and destroy him. Rick Davis seems like enough of a backstabbing little diva to do it.

ANA MARIE: I think she has some ideas. No one in the press corps does tho... Seriously, favorite game right now is "who would be so stupid as to get on Nicolle's bad side?" Okay you have just made the obvious point that I should have. Davis. Totally. Wanted to do go to Saks himself

MEGAN: Also, let us take on short moment to point out that the purchases were all made by Robocaller extraordinaire Jeff Larson.

ANA MARIE: Who hasn't even denied it!

MEGAN: With whom one imagines Wallace doesn't necessarily work that closely.

ANA MARIE: Here's the other thing: Wallace is a Bushie. She knows how to hide illegal expenses. There would be no RNC disclosure of Wallace purchases. I kid, obviously. Though I only say that because I think she knows how to have me killed.

MEGAN: It does seem pretty junior varsity, I agree. And Nicolle is not JV squad.

ANA MARIE: Hold on. I have to get wanded.

MEGAN: Tell him to do it the sexy way.

ANA MARIE: I've been wanded! Wanded is one of the words I'll miss from the campaign. That and "manifest." As in a staffer telling me, "I'll manifest you." It sounds like one simply APPEARS somewhere.

MEGAN: Manifest destiny is all I can think of when you say that.

ANA MARIE: See, I think of manifestations.

MEGAN: I think I have proved once and for all that I paid way too much attention in class.

ANA MARIE: And I pay too much attention to the SciFi channel.

MEGAN: So, shall we briefly discuss the irony of the woman who wants to change the Constitution to give herself more power if she wins accusing her opponent of wanting to change the Constitution?

ANA MARIE: Do you think Palin would recognize the Constitution if she saw it? Like, the text? Maybe the part about guns...

MEGAN: I'm not sure she would recognize it if it walked up to her on the street Schoolhouse Rock style and slapped her for all the shit she's been talking about it behind its back.

ANA MARIE: But then she would shoot it.

• Remember how Sarah Palin sold the governor's plane to save money? Well, to make up for it, she insisted on using the Public Safety Department's plane (the one for police missions and search and rescue) and used to get pissy when she couldn't just use it. As it was, she accounted for 20 percent of its time. [MSNBC]
• By the way, her personal shopper is also the guy behind the Obama-Ayers robocalls she supposedly hates, and her vocal coach was expensed as a "Get Out The Vote" effort by the campaign. Is there anything she won't try to pull? [Huffington Post, Politico]
• Radar is shopping a new movie idea to help turn out Jewish voters for McCain: Woody Palin. Dick jokes welcome. [Radar]
• Speaking of dicks, McCain foreign policy hacks Jim Woolsey and Randy Scheunemann want you to believe that when al Qaeda operatives say they want McCain to win, they're trying to fool you, but when other terrorists support Obama, you should vote against terrorists. Up is the new down, people. [Washington Independent]

• If you thought McCain wouldn't just casually drop the word "cunt" in front of a crowd, watch as he does it on stage. Even Cindy takes a step back, because that's what she usually does when he yells the word "cunt." [YouTube]
• Speaking of, Michelle Bachmann is trying to use her Hardball appearance to raise money, possible because the RNC is pulling their money out of her race in the wake of her comments that liberals should be investigated for their un-American views. [Politico, Huffington Post]
• And Ellen DeGeneres is not a fan of Sarah Palin's idea of getting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage or pretty much anything else Sarah Palin thinks about all the gay people she tolerates. Who is, really? [Huffington Post]

SPENCER: Steve Schmidt, the Bush-Cheney 04 veteran managing McCain's campaign, is a man of subtle tastes, according to Newsweek's Holly Bailey:

In GOP circles, Schmidt's nickname is "The Bullet," both for his gleaming shaved head and the way he relentlessly seeks out his target. (When he can, he lets off steam at the gym by practicing Ultimate Fighting techniques.)

MEGAN: I shudder at that. You know he asks women to call him that in bed. Or men. Either way. "Oh, God, Bullet, yes, pierce me! Fire it into me! Explode in me like you're a hollow point!"

SPENCER: No word on whether he practices his moves outside the locker room. But we have the verdict on Schmidt's "message control... specialty," about a week-plus after the launch of the Hate Talk Express, and here it is:

Overall, Obama is leading 53 percent to 43 percent among likely voters, and for the first time in the general-election campaign, voters gave the Democrat a clear edge on tax policy and providing strong leadership.

It gets so, so, so much better from there.

McCain has made little headway in his attempts to convince voters that Obama is too "risky" or too "liberal." Rather, recent strategic shifts may have hurt the Republican nominee, who now has higher negative ratings than his rival and is seen as mostly attacking his opponent rather than addressing the issues that voters care about. Even McCain's supporters are now less enthusiastic about his candidacy, returning to levels not seen since before the Republican National Convention.

MEGAN: You know you are the worst Republican strategist in the history of the universe when you make voters believe that your candidate is worse on taxes and the economy than the Democrat.

nearly as many said they think their taxes would go up under a McCain administration as under an Obama presidency, and more see their burdens easing with the Democrat in the White House.

SPENCER: So great fucking job, Steve Schmidt. You've erased McCain's convention bounce, entrenched Obama's margin, and tarnished, forever, McCain's brand. Let's go back to Holly's piece for one second:

MEGAN: I really think that he's Mark Penn levels of terrible.

SPENCER:

Schmidt never wanted to get back into presidential politics. But he admired McCain's willingness to buck convention and go up against his own party, and joined the Arizona senator as an unpaid adviser.

MEGAN: Do you know Holly? Is she always so naive? Schmidt was just so taken with his little Maverick that he couldn't resist doing something he never wanted to do again?

SPENCER: It certainly is bucking convention to accuse the likely next president of the United States of "palling around" with terrorists who blew up the World Trade Center and use a line — "Who is Barack Obama?" — that comes out of the imagination of an anti-semite. I don't know Holly and didn't think her Schmidt profile was naive. It read to me like she wrote it deliberately flat in order to give Schmidt the rope to hang himself.

MEGAN: Well, that last quote was giving more credibility to Schmidt's personal mythology than it deserved, in my opinion.

SPENCER: And he's not just hung himself, he's hung the entire GOP. After a week of "turning the page" — a Bartlett's-level classic line from campaign director Rick Davis — from the economy to AYERSTERRORISTARABN*****, downballot Republicans in blood-red states think McCain is taking them down instead of Obama:

Rep. Mark Souder, an Indiana Republican, said he was looking at an "Obama tide" in his district and wondering about his own reelection: "Can I withstand a firestorm?"

"The impression of McCain on the economy is that he wanted more deregulation than Bush" at a time that voters are demanding more help from the government, he said. "I'm not sure right now that McCain can carry seven states," added Souder, whose home state has not picked a Democrat for president since 1964. "In the end I think McCain will carry Indiana. But if you are fighting for Indiana, you are in trouble."

Here's my question for you: isn't it preferable for the GOP to have nominated McCain, the Deviationist, in a year when it was all but destined to lose, so that it has an alibi for conservatism? "If only we had nominated a real conservative, a Rock of the True Church, this calamity would have never befallen us..." etc etc?

MEGAN: I mean, I think the problem with that narrative now is twofold, which is not to say they won't try it out. First, he was pretty well enthusiastically embraced by the conservative machinery after he swore fealty to the elimination of my reproductive rights and played the hell out of his conservative record on other issues. Two, he was beloved for choosing Sarah Palin, who is even further to his right and there's plenty of evidence that her nomination did him no favors. I am sure that the party will do some soul-searching in November — hopefully without the violence some of us fear, but they should have done that after 2006 and didn't. Instead, you got Boehner and Cantor and Blunt and DeMint and Coburn stepping up the partisanship, swinging to the right and generally echoing their already-failed tactics. Tom Davis said six months ago ago that if the GOP brand was dog food, they'd pull it from the shelves and I think that holds. Also, every time I hear "the party of staying out of people's lives" I yell back at the TV "unless you have a uterus." That's the fundamental conflict, and it's not resolve-able. Either they go back to being small-government and fiscally conservative, or they embrace the big-government interfere-y mentality of the culture wars on things like abortion, same-sex marriage and abstinence-only education. But I think they're seeing they can't have it both ways.

SPENCER: Well, there is a third option, one that defers a moment of conservative reckoning, and that's to establish a narrative that "thugs" and "poverty pimps" — you know, those people — stole the election. Tom Mattzie:

n the event that campaigning, purging and intimidating voters doesn't work, the Right is creating a myth like they did in 1960. They are creating the myth of a stolen election. Conservatives plan to claim that ACORN and Barack Obama stole the election. Their hope is to steal the legitimacy of what is looking like a massive repudiation of Bush, conservatives and the Republican Party. The Right plans to steal the election by trying to steal the legitimate defeat of them by progressive forces.

And why wouldn't they? The entire Republican coalition could be shattered with this election. White suburban voters who once voted Republican on tax issues are running away from Republicans on a host of issues—including taxes. Independent are looking more and more like Democratic voters.

More than anything else, I think that's what's behind the Hate Talk Express. Schmidt probably recognizes that they've lost, and he and Rick Davis are setting up a strategy to tear down President Obama through charges of illegitimacy.

MEGAN: Republicans have been gunning for ACORN for a damn long time. I think the problem is that attacking them only plays to the base.

SPENCER: But that's only a problem if your strategy is to play beyond the base, and at this point that's doubtful. The McCain campaign's last big push to win the election came with the failed attempt at "suspending" the campaign. Everything since has been to generate the result of preparing for the 2012 campaign. Or, perhaps, something far more sinister. I can't post images, but this is something that got banned from Say Anything, a right-wing Pajamas Media blog: an image of Obama and a noose, with the caption, "The Fucking Solution."

MEGAN: Oh, I can post images (and a shout-out to Jill Filipovic for alerting me to this in the first place). I mean, how stupid do you have to be, honestly? That's the shit that makes me believe in the reverse Bradley effect. Like, I wouldn't want to tell people like him that I was voting for Obama, but I sure as shit wouldn't want that guy's candidate fucking elected. I wouldn't want to be associated with that, even if I were a Republican.

SPENCER: Let's also not forget this model citizen who held up a stuffed monkey with an Obama sticker and, smiling, told a cameraman "This is Little Hussein."

MEGAN: I feel like I owe someone a beer or something.

SPENCER: The last thing I'll say here: Last night I watched Dodgers-Phils game 3 — shitty game — with a friend who has great sources on the right, and he reported that this isn't a cynical push. The right has convinced itself that Obama is in fact a threat to the country, and not in any policy-minded sense.

MEGAN: Oh, I have evidence of that on my Facebook page alone.

SPENCER: My question: at what point does this actually become a long-term electoral liability for the GOP? Or am I searching for a theory of political gravity that doesn't exist?

MEGAN: I think that the GOP has set back a good decade of outreach to minority communities, including the Latino community. Between the foaming-at-the-mouth for a big fence and this kind of shit coming out of Republicans about the Scary Black Man That Will End This Country, that's the end of it.

SPENCER: But what's the end, really? Doesn't it actually come when whites stop buying the GOP dog food? As James Baker once memorably said, "Fuck the Jews, they don't vote for us anyway." You know?

MEGAN: And I think a lot of people on the margins — the people who were already registering as independents, the people who were leaning libertarian, the people for whom this kind of race baiting in an anaethma, the people who remember the party of small government — for this, this will be the end. McCain the Maverick was supposed to be their guy, the Republican for Republicans disenchanted with Bush and Gingrich. And, instead, he's worse than either in the end for the party. I had a piece of RNC memorabilia for my ex's dad, who worked every convention except this one for the last 30+ years. He turned it down yesterday. That's not a good sign

SPENCER: Ironic: the conservative 2008 strategy is like al-Qaeda in Anbar Province. Its natural constituencies reject the severity of its rule, renounce its appeal, and — at least transactionally — turn to their ostensible enemy.

MEGAN: On the other hand, who knew the libertarians might end up as a credible third party?

• The original terrorist — not the fist bumping kind — knows who he wants us to elect. Surprise! It's John McCain. [US News & World Report]
• That might be because he escaped us at least twice by going into Pakistan and because our troops weren't allowed to walk into Pakistan, and John McCain plans to continue that policy. [CBS News]
• And, like he plans to leave Pakistan alone, McCain's decided to leave Michigan alone, too. Guess they figured that they wouldn't be able to disenfranchise enough foreclosed-upon voters to eke out a win after all. [Washington Post]
• Since he's staying the course in Philly, though, voter intimidation tactics continue apace. [Philly.com]

• Because, if he doesn't, he's pretty well fucked in the electoral college. [Politico]
• Sort of like Sarah Palin's wrist supposedly is. Unless it's just a tactic to garner some sympathy, which it totally is. How many women around John McCain have to sport bum wrists before someone starts asking questions? [Politico]
• Barack and Michelle will celebrate their 16th wedding anniversary tomorrow with a quiet dinner that Barack requested the press pool leave them alone for. Fat chance, sucker. We want pictures, and so does Axelrod. [Huffington Post]
• Oh, hey, Bob Barr is still running! He thinks McCain is a hypocrite. Run, Bob, Run! [The Hill]
• Also, women find Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is a sexist hypocrite. [Pandagon]
• Wall Street Journal reporter Dorothy Rabinowitz thinks that overreaching surveillance by our government that is eroding our civil rights is totes okay with her because people died on September 11th. What's that saying? Those who would sacrifice freedom for security... [Washington Independent]

• Stephen Price is the senior writer for the Tallahassee Democrat (no relation to the Party) and tends to stick out just a touch when in a scrum of mostly-white political reporters. Last week at a McCain rally, he stuck out so much that a McCain staffer asked him and his legitimate press credential to leave. McCain's staff says it's because he was a state reporter, since, you know, McCain doesn't care that much about his local and state press coverage. [HuffPo, HuffPo]
• By the way, the Swift Boat guys are back and now they've got books! And mass e-mails! And virtually no credibility! [Washington Post]
• Speaking of lacking in credibility, House Republicans are claiming that their protest against House Speaker Pelosi's decision not to bring a drilling bill to the floor is lowering gas prices! [HuffPo]

• In still more barely believable news, apparently the letter that was the only supposed documented link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda is probably a CIA forgery. When do we stop calling the intelligence there "faulty" and start calling it "manufactured"? Was that letter, at least, manufactured in a mobile lab?[Washington Independent]
• But, hey, at least Stephen Price isn't a Japanese reporter trying to cover the Beijing Olympics. In China, they don't "escort" you away from what you're trying to report on, they beat you up and haul you off in violation of China's supposed agreement on press freedoms. But they're really sorry! They promise it won't happen again until at least tomorrow! [Boston Globe]
• And to make us seem more sorry, a U.S. Olympic Committee official reportedly bitched out the four cyclists who arrived in China for the Olympics today wearing the face masks issued to them... by the USOC. What, did Bush get to appoint a bunch of incompetent assholes there, too? [NY Times]

MOE: The Douche-oisie?
MEGAN: You gotta thank T-Rex for that one. "I have a new term for all those nebbishy young men in DC/NY with their unsold novels and their delusions of literary lionization. The Douche-oisie."

MOE: Um there are dudes in DC like that? Nevermind, I don't want to know. Don't spoil it for me. I was very content assuming everyone in DC liked to peddle their fictions "nonfiction." Insufferable, in a way I've always been slightly more inclined to suffer. But it's reminding me of the Marxist critique of the Sex & The City movie my sister just sent me…

MEGAN: I am sitting here trying to reconcile the mental picture of a Marxist paying $10 (or sucking up to PR people) to see a movie (let alone actually watching it) that, at a minimum, glorifies conspicuous consumption. Also, I will admit I sorta don't care to see it, even if I have to give up my girl card. I never thought she should end up with Big, I always thought he sorta sucked and I thought the finale was a disappointing cop-out and so I don't care anymore.
8:30 AM
MOE: Yeah, I basically thought Big was the only good thing in a sea of really fucking boring people. Miranda's husband I also liked. Aidan gave me the vapors.Peggy Noonan on McClellan. She defends him, says he should be defended as a contributor to the historical record, finds the triteness of his insights and the obviousness of his argument "all too believable" — not to mention the fact that he has no defenders. "I want to quote his defenders, but he doesn't have any." OH PEGGY. You might have checked this little blog we know… It only quotes you every Friday…

MEGAN: Did we really defend him? I mean, I guess I do believe him because he doesn't say anything that isn't playing into Bush's shitty approval ratings.
MOE: ARGHHHHH SO WHAT.
MEGAN: Also, I give a hells yeah to Steve (Miranda's husband) and Aidan. Yum.
MOE: He's not running for anything!
MEGAN: Bush? Yes, thankfully.
MEGAN: I mean, I hate to find myself agreeing with Peggy here, but it's like, wow, Scott McClellan felt out-of-the-loop and lied to? I'm actually only surprised that he noticed and said something about it.
MOE: McClellan. That's the thing. Dude writes a book. No discernible agenda of self-servingness. About the excesses and evils of the "constant campaign." And everyone's like, "What's the campaign?" and "I don't see how this is going to affect the campaign," and "Why didn't he tell us this when it could have impacted a campaign?"
MOE: In any case he's got a crush on Obama
MEGAN: Oh, well, he didn't say it when it could affect a campaign because he was still working there. Duh. Also, would it have changed anyone's mind in 2004? Doubtful. Kerry lost by a bunch.
MEGAN: I love how it's him and Jenna against the world on that one.
MEGAN: Whoa, wait. Maybe it's not Obama on whom he has a crush?
MOE: Milbank mockery
MEGAN:

He's a bit thinner around the middle, and the sideburns are comically longer

MEGAN: Damn, dude, mocking a man's facial hair?
MOE: Dude do you remember Robbie in My Three Sons? Those were some comical sideburns, especially when it switched to color.
MEGAN: I have seen comical sideburns, sir, and I pronounce McClellan's wispy and a bit sparse, possibly in need of a good shaving, but I wouldn't call them "comical"
MOE: Oh shit some dude is aping your steez but …so much more cringetacularly!

Soup to nuts? Campbell's and Planters are here for the looking. I can't think of a single sector of the American economy that directly or indirectly doesn't have some sort of Washington representation.

MOE: Um I love how Condi Rice is recovering from being so pilloried by McClellan.
MEGAN: That's a week late and a dollar short, dude. Also, Mr. Korologos is a former Bush appointee, and is now a "strategic adviser" which means he does everything up to the point of official lobbying in order to avoid registration. So, um, what a great defender. Someone who uses his former position to almost lobby but stay under the radar.
MEGAN: Ugh, I seriously, seriously cannot see Gene Simmons anymore without flashing back to the demoralizing experience of seeing his sex tape. That was cringetastic and unimpressive. Spits on his finger to be able to finger the fake-titted chick. Small penis. Never removes his shirt. That line from Bridget Jones never seemed so apt: "Coitus is brief and perfunctory."
MOE: Ah! I often use the word "perfunctory" to describe sex sessions. I didn't realize Bridget Jones — well, that and distinctly shitty taste in dudes — was to blame. That is so depressing. Let's talk about something else!! Victory on Al Qaeda perhaps? That epic Bear Stearns series? The Fundamentalist Pedophiles being awarded their inbred children? It's all so heartening.

MEGAN: Oh, don't forget Obama's new clergy problem. This time, he's white!

MEGAN: Oh, by the way, you can go watch it right here. Why in the world would they not have stopped taping the sermons, anyway?
MEGAN: Oh, by the way, speaking of bombshells, 111 countries formally adopted a treaty to eliminate cluster bombs yesterday. Just guess who the big hold outs were? Us, Russia, China, Israel, India and Pakistan. We're always in such great company on these things.
MOE: Hahahaha China and Pakistan! They're just like US!
MEGAN: On this and the death penalty and torture! Hoorah!
9:20 AM
MEGAN: Oh, great, the Burmese junta has decided that it doesn't need any stinkin' refugee camps.
MOE: CIA director Michael Hayden:

"The fact that we have kept [Americans] safe for pushing seven years now has got them back into the state of mind where 'safe' is normal," he said. "Our view is: Safe is hard-won, every 24 hours."

Inspiring! Me to throw up!!
MOE: So what's the deal with the polygamists? Why do they get their kids back? How did that happen? Etc. etc.

MEGAN: They get their kids back as soon as they can, I guess. It seems that the Texas Supreme Court ruled that the state had failed to prove immediate danger to all the kids, since that's the standard.
MOE: Oh god and more.
MEGAN: Like, obviously, infants weren't about to be married off and shit. The state tried to argue that just being raised in the community was turning the boys into cousin-marrying pedos, but the courts didn't buy it.
MOE: BUT WHY?
MEGAN: Because they couldn't prove it.
MEGAN: I mean, let's just all admit that our legal system is pretty fucked, but it's less fucked than a lot of others.
MOE: Here's the dissenting opinion though it also concedes:

On this record, however, I agree that there was no evidence of imminent “danger to the physical health or safety” of boys and pre-pubescent
girls to justify their removal from the YFZ Ranch, and to this extent I join the Court’s opinion. Id. § 262.201(b)(1).

Maybe we should just redefine "imminent."

MEGAN: I guess it's just, like, parents have the right to fuck their kids up, home school them and teach them that humans co-existed with dinosaurs in the garden of Eden and that a woman should aspire to no more than to be a good wife to whomever she's told to marry.
MEGAN: They just don't have to right to physically abuse them or force them to have sex.
MOE: NO THEY FUCKING DON'T
MEGAN: Well, legally they do. Whether they ought to is a different question.
MEGAN: Should the state decide which religious views are valid, short of one that requires or encourages physical or sexual abuse?
MEGAN: Should the state decide by which moral values you should raise your kids?
MOE: What's on the books w/r/t cults? This is fucking mind control. They created their own totalitarian parasite state within a state, which is the only reason it's managed to survive for more than a century, and it has nothing to do with values!

MEGAN: I mean, I guess I feel like, great, if they choose my moral values, that could be totally cool but do I trust the government to choose my values? And I sure as hell fucking don't. I don't trust that they won't decide that some ignorant fucking Christian piece of shit females-aren't-as-good pastor gets to decide.
MEGAN: There isn't anything on the books about cults. As long as there's no physical or sexual coercion, they're legal. You're allowed to brainwash your followers as long as you don't stockpile weapons, try to kill everyone or fuck children.
MEGAN: Luckily for law enforcement, the really scary ones rely on physical coercion, stockpiling weapons, killing people and fucking underage girls. I mean, that's obviously unlucky for the people involved.
MOE: You know about Germany. Don't they have some decent laws on this matter?

MEGAN: Sort of. I mean, Germany's basically a two-religion state (Lutherism and Catholicism) with some provisions made for Jews. In fact, your tax dollars support the Church to which you belong, interestingly. They don't recognize Scientology as a religion, I'm given to understand but will no doubt be corrected, in no small part because to advance within the religion costs you money. They view Scientology (and, in my opinion, rightly so) as a money-making enterprise. They do allow regular LDS (i.e., Mormons) despite the tithing "requirements" of that Church.

cMOE: Dude I don't want to forget this so I'm just showing you now. From Dick Morris's column on how McCain can beat Obama:

If the GOP nominee were Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee, independents and Democrats might not vote Republican even if they became convinced that Obama is some kind of sleeper agent sent to charm and conquer our democracy.

MOE: um no kidding!
MEGAN: Why doesn't Dick Morris go back to sucking prostitutes' toes and leave the rest of us alone. Have you seen his teeth? He ain't stopped sucking stanky feet yet.

MOE: So there is too much to write about today but anyway Iran is still building a nuclear program, treaties be damned and we can't do anything about it, Burma is still letting its people die and Asian governments won't do anything about it, Hugo Chavez is supporting FARC and by any standard probably now qualifies for our state sponsors of terror list but we probably shouldn't give him the satisfaction, and now they're saying it's the end of American Superpower. For realz?!
MEGAN: Wait, wait! The NY Times is reporting this morning that Myanmar/Burma is going to let ASEAN help. I'm skeptical but maybe they actually will?

MOE: Ah, so their "soft approach" did work!

In a clear departure from the usually secretive style of the military junta, state television in Myanmar on Sunday showed video of the leader, Senior General Than Shwe, touring a refugee camp, checking supplies, patting the heads of babies and shaking hands with survivors. Some of the cyclone victims, surrounded by neat rows of blue tents, clasped their hands and bowed as the general and other senior military officials walked by.

MOE:

"Are we going to continue to cover the earthquake?" the Guangzhou-based reporter asked in an instant message to his editor, a day after China's deadliest earthquake in three decades struck Sichuan province."Of course," replied the editor, surnamed Yang. "Why not?"
Then, the reporter said, he forwarded to his boss the text of the latest edict from the propaganda department of the Communist Party Central Committee, ordering domestic news media not to send any more journalists to Sichuan.
Yang wrote back, "If everyone pays no attention to this, then it won't really be a ban."

MEGAN: Oh, she's probably still under house arrest. Like the regime wants to allow her ot be showed doing good work?
MOE: 40 years of mind control, propaganda, a string of incomprehensible, and incomprehensibly destructive political campaigns combined with severe rationing and poverty followed by 15 years of steady marginal increases in living standards and the appearance of openness will...do that to a citizenry!

MOE: I guess we should talk about how the crowd that showed up for Obama was like 1/8 the population of Portland? And maybe we should talk about how tiny his advance for Dreams From My Father was?
MOE: Oh and how a place as shit poor as Yemen manages to hide a guy with a $5 million price on his head. And also we should talk about oil prices. And McCain's continued purge of his aides who love lobbyists, which is getting like New York politicos with whores. And Anthony Shahid's fucking depressing story on Lebanon.

MEGAN: Ok, well, I can speak to the continued purge of lobbyists. Because there's one guy who isn't getting out. He's McCain's Mark Penn only potentially slightly less stupid. He's practically consolidating power in the campaign by getting rid of the other guys with lobbying ties, so that in November-January when clients are looking for someone with a good relationship to McCain that hasn't been accused of fucking him, he's the only one left. It's all very wonderfully Machiavellian.

MEGAN: Also, I think it's fair to say that Republican lobbyists understand the least about why people think they're shills out to destroy America and don't love McCain that much anyway, so it probably never occurred to anyone that it might be a teeny tiny problem to the electorate that the guy writing McCain's energy policy was an active lobbyist for energy companies. Because, hey, that's how this Administration has run things for 8 years anyway.
9:15 AM
MEGAN: As for the Yemen thing, it's actually a little funny because here, more and more people are tipping off their neighbors to pay their electric bills and shit and the economy goes into the toilet. So either the Yemenis are more loyal, or we're just that more desperate? Either way, my position has always been that I would totally turn in criminals for money, which is probably why my friends are all nerdy-upstanding types. One year at college there was a $1200 reward for a serial fire alarm puller and I was dying to know who it was because that was like, half of the money I'd make all semester otherwise.

MOE: Which reminds me of a point that I hope that Obama can make fairly. Re the "eight more years" thing. I think anyone who goes out of his way to say that a McCain administration would be "another eight years of the same" is doing a disservice to history. I think it's safe to say it would be historically impossible for another Administration to match this administration's singleminded dedication to the pursuit the interests of such a tiny group of corrupt people in all blatant disregard of democracy. I think we would be ill-advised to cheapen George W. Bush's "Worst President Ever" stain that way. No matter what happens in the general election January 20 will be a relatively good day for this country.
MOE: And regarding Yemen, I think it's safe to say we are less desperate.

MOE: And don't let me forget to bring up this fucking depressing story on the end of the era of cooperation between First and Third World countries that SOMEHOW begat the Green Revolution on the basis of a basic shared interest in the end of human suffering and not ADM profit margins.
MEGAN: Um, I don't thing McCain will be bad in the same way, but I think he's spent the last 8 years selling his soul to the Rovian devils in order to secure the nomination, and that doesn't make me particularly happy. There won't be a ton of turnover in terms of the kinds of people in middle management and shit because they're all working on his campaign and will be "owed"
MOE: This is pretty stark.

Adjusted for inflation, the World Bank cut its agricultural lending to $2 billion in 2004 from $7.7 billion in 1980.

MOE: Well, but what does McCain need with the Rovian devils now? Karl Rove is dispensing him free advice via his various punditry positions now.
MOE: There is just something that chills me about the "eight more years" refrain.

MEGAN: Well, and let's not forget that part of the problem with the IRRI's budget and people not working there is the fact that they were a proponent of biotechnology to get certain properties out of rice (salinity resistance, vitamins) that simply could not be bred in by convention means, and they were shit on by the world and the environmental movement, targeted for eco-terrorism and a lot of their developed-world money dried up over it, even though the Gold Rice project could've had serious benefits for the malnourished people of the world. I kept waiting for the article to mention that and it didn't.
MOE: Fuckin ecoterrorists. Anyway here we see shades of the pharmaceutical industry.

The insect is not a new problem. In the 1960s, the rice institute, nestled between jungle and the bustling town of Los Ba os, pioneered ways to help farmers grow two and even three crops a season, instead of one.

MOE: You talk to guys who develop drugs at pharmaceutical companies and they think it's absolutely shameful that if they want a drug to come to market these days they have to go to work on the next generation of lipitor or abilify or the drug that finally cures metabolic syndrome when there are still so many infectious diseases to be cured. At one point there was a Nature article suggesting the industry establish a non-profit pharmaceutical company to address diseases whose cures would not be money makers. The same should go for agriculture, you'd think. I don't really understand why all the philanthropy targeted at making life-improving technology more available to the third world seems to focus on hand-cranked laptops and stuff like that.

MEGAN: I think it's because a lot of philanthropy is corporate, it's designed to make companies look good to their consumers and stock holders, but those decisions are made by people within the company. So, of course that's the kind of corporate philanthropy they would engage in. And the pharmaceutical companies will pay tons of money to run those Prescription Partnership for America commercials and send out the buses and take a hit on giving medicines to a small subset of people who can't afford it rather than risk price controls, and they'll give away some AIDS medications in developing countries to keep patent rights.
9:35 AM
MEGAN: And Monsanto will spend millions of dollars spraying RoundUp on farmers fields to see if they're cheating on licensing rather than donating to the IRRI or developing drought-resistant wheat or something.
MEGAN: And everyone will give Bill Gates $1 million to research a cure for malaria or AIDS or whatever and claim that they're doing great shit and then go back to making money.
MEGAN: Anyway, if we're going to take today to be depressed about injustice, how about if you're taking medical marijuana while waiting for a transplant, you're pretty much not eligible for the transplant anymore?
MOE: Well I actually have a better answer to my own question that is not QUITE as cynical. The culture of Silicon Valley and the rapidness of the wealth creation that's happened there, the "open source-ness" of ideals, the existence of Microsoft monopolistic practices as a sort of anti-standard...the newness...the fact that the scientists in the case of the technology industry WERE the business founders and ARE the wealth holders...this swirl of factors makes electrical engineers and software engineers more idealistic and philanthropic I think. Whereas in pharmaceuticals and agriculture a lot of the scientific talent is still being managed by corporate shareholder-driven assholes because the barriers to entry are so much higher.
MEGAN: So, geeks think computers really can save the world, and everyone else is just faking it like I said? I'd buy that in moderation.
MOE: The thing is that: there are certain classes of people you might to run their businesses more ethically, less greedily...more thoughtfully...Hasidic-founded Kosher agriprocessing plants are no longer among them. (Did you read this story?) (Holy shit.)

MEGAN: I would be more surprised and outraged that this Administration is targeting illegal immigrants for arrest and deportation and doing virtually nothing to the management that hires them if I hadn't been living in this country for 30 years, probably.
MEGAN: And/or hadn't read that series in the WaPo last week about how unethically and illegally we treat supposedly-illegal immigrants while in custody.
MOE: And on that note I'll leave you with this from George Packer's New Yorker piece on conservatism:

MOE:

Nixon was coldly mixing and pouring volatile passions. Although he was careful to renounce the extreme fringe of Birchites and racists, his means to power eventually became the end. Buchanan gave me a copy of a seven-page confidential memorandum—"A little raw for today," he warned—that he had written for Nixon in 1971, under the heading "Dividing the Democrats." Drawn up with an acute understanding of the fragilities and fault lines in "the Old Roosevelt Coalition," it recommended that the White House "exacerbate the ideological division" between the Old and New Left by praising Democrats who supported any of Nixon's policies; highlight "the elitism and quasi-anti-Americanism of the National Democratic Party"; nominate for the Supreme Court a Southern strict constructionist who would divide Democrats regionally; use abortion and parochial-school aid to deepen the split between Catholics and social liberals; elicit white working-class support with tax relief and denunciations of welfare.

Finally, the memo recommended exploiting racial tensions among Democrats. "Bumper stickers calling for black Presidential and especially Vice-Presidential candidates should be spread out in the ghettoes of the country," Buchanan wrote. "We should do what is within our power to have a black nominated for Number Two, at least at the Democratic National Convention." Such gambits, he added, could "cut the Democratic Party and country in half; my view is that we would have far the larger half."

• Oh my GOD POLITICIANS WHO UPHOLD THE RIGHT TO A BABYKILLING RECEIVED THE BODY OF CHRIST DESPITE KILLING BABIES. What is next, women who actually have submitted their wombs to this murderous murder method? The abortion doctors themselves? WHAT IF THE VIRGIN MARY HAD MADE THIS SO CALLED "CHOICE"?? No one would have believed her rape kit! [AP]
  
• Oh fuck, a debate tonight. [Philly]
  
• With apologies to SinisterRouge...[Huffington Post]
  
• And here's a concession: Barry started wearing the flag pin again. Authentic! [LAT]
  
• Maybe he is just proud of the country for embracing its own bitterness and John McCain for praising his race speech and Hillary Clinton for getting drunk. Hey, I'm proud almost proud myself... [AP]
  
• Which brings us to...where can you see the word "fuck" more than Jezebel? Our military barracks' bathrooms in the Middle East. A fucking awesome photo essay. [Walrus]

• And yes, I am going to need this. [WSJ]
• And speaking of oppressive bureaucratic organizations from which you don't want to receive angry paperwork...Al Qaeda! [LA Times]
• And speaking of the funny ways of terrorists, the Las Vegas ricin attacker is an unemployed 57-year-old graphic designer. [AP]

[Classy imagery courtesy Shieldsnet.]

MEGAN: We should probably kick this off, but it's too close to Friday for me to care too much about pretty much anything.
MOE: The plot to kill the Dutch cartoonist for drawing Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and the ensuing saber-rattling — or you know, assault rifle-rattling — from Osama Bin Laden directed at Europe and the Pope (but not, curiously, Bush) doesn't interest you at all?
MOE: Because I have to say that is about the strangest fifth anniversary present you could give the Administration.
MOE: New OBL recording threatening Europe and calling the cartoons a worse offense than anything the good ol' US of A has ever done is kind of interested.
MEGAN: Insofar as it seems sort of batshit, but I did love his swipe at the Saudi king in there for being insufficiently pissed off about it.
MOE: Jesus Christ, fifty people died in the protests against the cartoons.
MEGAN: That's less than the last round of protests, though, right? So, like, progress?
MOE: I read something in Mike Huckabee looks positively fucking enlightened.
MEGAN: Wait, so they're gonna come here and start converting us? Good luck with us atheist types.
MOE: And speaking of which, it was met with some skepticism when I posted on this last night but Huck's Bin Laden video, if anyone's interested, annotated by someone who likes dissecting this sort of thing I suppose, and that person thinks it's a mashup using old audio. Which would make sense since the cartoon controversy is only like a million years old. I dunno. Now I can't find the Times story, but the best thing was how everyone had forgotten about it, and then the cartoonist was like, no seriously guys, they're really trying to kill me.
MOE: So, uh, onto more important issues! Hillary's schedule as First Lady. "Classic First Lady fare"? And maybe not such a great friend to Vince Foster? Can you believe that the first thing anyone in the media anyone bothered figuring out was where she was on Dia Del Dress??? Well yes, of course you can.
MEGAN: Nope, they're back protesting again. Who'd'a thunk that if you combine religion, grinding poverty, overarching patriarchy and the inability for men to achieve what they are told they ought that you'd get a bunch of mindless, repetitive violence aimed at forces beyond their control and directed by dudes who want power and prestige for themselves?
MEGAN: What I can't believe is that anyone ever thought that her schedule would be interesting!
MEGAN: Like, was there supposed to be an day where it was like "3:30: Illicit lesbian sex. 6:15: Shower 7:00: Dinner with illegal campaign donors 10:30: Kill Vince Foster 10:35: Initiate massive cover-up operation 10:45: Stop by Kathleen Willey's to kill cats."
MOE: Well, here's the thing. Just whyyyyyyy am I expected to believe she is so fucking experienced? Seriously? Tell me!
MEGAN: She is! She singlehandedly wrote all the good legislation ever passed in Congress during her husband's Administration AND negotiated all this really nice peacemaking stuff which is why she was totes to busy to notice things like NAFTA, the Defense of Marriage Act, welfare "reform" and the don't ask, don't tell policy. Plus the part where the government turned over all student loans to private lenders which is why that bloodsucking bitch Sallie Mae is riding your ass rather than the Department of Education (which is how it used to be).
MOE: I was about to say "you know what? Forget it. Don't answer that. Commenters will answer that." So anyway, we should probably address the issue of
MOE: sex and sex and sex... because that's what the readers want right?
MEGAN: Please, please, please, let us never again contemplate a photo shoot of Eliot Spitzer oiled, naked and with his erect cock in his hands. Please. I mean, I need to lose weight but I was always planning on being a drunkorexic and not a bulimic.
MOE: This is a pretty good story about Hillary's schedule, by the way.

And then, this note, and perhaps she was glad for the rare instance when the script left a line up to her discretion: "Upon conclusion of dinner, the President and First Lady have the first dance (optional)."

MEGAN: Dude, I do believe the dance is always optional, which sucks. My ex-bf and I danced a total of, like, 2 times in 4 years and I like to dance.
MOE: Yeah I don't think I really danced very much with my ex boyfriend but I like to dance by myself, on account of my very individualistic notion of "rhythm."
MEGAN: I'm not gonna pretend like I don't dance around my apartment singing along to crap that I drunkenly download from iTunes.

MOE: Clinton has apparently "doubled her lead" in Pennsylvania primary polls. You know what I love about stories like this? When they don't remind you what date the primary happens. Though they did take pains to say exactly when the polls were conducted, which was March 15 and 16, before the speech in Philadelphia. It is really hard for me to believe that speech did not help him in Pennsylvania. Perhaps because I am an irrational emotion-driven idealist, but whatevs.
MOE: Not sure if it helps or hurts Obama that Rev. Wright is a product of the Philadelphia public school system.
MOE: Hahaha Arlen Specter was on Stern yesterday. I have to fucking get Sirius. SRIUSLY!
MEGAN: I think she's taking PA, though. Other than the speech, it's drip drip drip on Obama all month. Today alone it that his campaign neglected to remove the blog of the New Black Panther Party from their site. The ADL identifies them as an extremist hate group because they're super Anti-Semetic. Plus, you know, it's being widely reported that he's standing between Michigan and a revote because he wants those people who voted in the Republican primary already (like, say, all those Dems that Kos told to vote for Romney) to be able to vote again which just completely fucks up his argument about fairness.
MEGAN: He was on Jon Stewart, too, all jowls and phlegmy laughs.
MOE: Yeah I haven't been paying attention to Michigan and/or Florida. I just want them to go away. It's like, oh Jesus Fuck, this is annoying. At this point I don't care who wins. I'm just glad he gave that speech. That's what a sucker I am. Plus I have to go now. So many things left undiscussed! Will we ever get into our debate re the future of the troop surge? Speaking of, interestingly, the Wash Post lead editorial today slams Obama and Clinton for their kind of delusion-heavy Iraq rhetoric, which is a pet peeve of mine.
MEGAN: I saw that, but decided to do Crappy Hour before reading it.
MOE: While David Broder calls McCain's Baghdad visit a "missed opportunity" — why I'm not totally sure. But I guess it all goes to show that even though we know our next president will not be a retard, he or she will not necessarily be able to solve anything. SIGH.
MEGAN: Hail to the motherfucking Chief.

• Hillary won the Texas primary by four percentage points but she may actually wind up tied with Obama for the delegate count. Just trust me when I say I am outraged on her behalf. [Wonkette]
  
• It's official: Rush Limbaugh won yesterday for Hillary. [Reason]
  
• It's official: that leaked NAFTA document won yesterday for Hillary. Stephen Harper says so. Who's Stephen Harper? Ha ha ha, some interdependence that turned out to be. [Reuters]
  
• It's official: there were a BUNCH of reasons Hillary won last night but yeah it was mostly SNL. [Progressive]
  
• Personally I don't understand why no one is crediting Joel Osteen of the Church of Prosperity and Lingerie for winning it for Hillary because everyone loves money and lingerie. And also, Chelsea's highlights. I hate highlights but hers look hot. [Houston Chronicle]
  
• Yeah yeah yeah running mate whatever we'll cross that bridge when we come to it which is to say holy shit NEVER. [Politico]

• Oh my God. You know who resurfaced today, guys? Our pathologically embarrassing lame-duck president guy! To endorse John McCain. John McCain was sooooo honored I'm sure. [NY Times]
• Just for that he got Gen. Petraeus to say Al Qaeda was coming back. Wait a sec! I thought Al Qaeda was in Iraq. It's called "Al Qaeda in Iraq"! Mindfuck. [World Tribune]
• Being a woman sucks, yes it does, don't even try to deny it, something about Hillary. [Washington Post]
• Blogsentiment of the day: "One would hope for something as simple as "he talks a good game, but it's all a huge lie!!!!!" but it's not all a huge lie." [Atlantic]

• Winona Ryder is speaking out now about her shoplifting. Honestly? No one gives a shit. [People]
  
• In the UK, one in four 18-to-25-year olds cannot answer the following question: What is one eighth of 32? [BBC]
  
• Al-Qaeda said to be "stepping-up" its presence in the U.S. Please God, no one tell Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The thought of her ranting and raving about this is scarier than the threat of a terrorist act itself. [BBC]
  
• Memo to Hillary: The woman who is to be India's first female president - not so popular. [NYT]
  
• Harry Potter the book? Too long. Harry Potter the movie? Too heavy-handed. But Harry Potter the postage stamp? Now we're talking! [USA Today]

• And meanwhile, Harry Potter is also the latest problem to afflict Israel, with the new book being released on Saturday, the Jewish Sabbath. Religious leaders = not happy. And now we wonder, are there that many Orthodox rabbis worried about whether Snape is evil or not? [USA Today]
• The lawyer with TB who claimed he had no idea he was contagious had surgery to help treat his condition today. Um, too little too late, bub. [CNN]
• The current crop of Republican presidential candidates? Losers, all of 'em. [CNN]
• 2 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]

• Tori Spelling has become a minister. Proving what we have been telling y'all for round about a week now: God is dead. [USA Today]
  
• The former Surgeon General says the Bush Administration encouraged him to dispense information about stem cell research and sex education with shades of the "theological agenda." His speeches were also edited to make sure that pesky things like facts were left out. Well, at least these assholes are consistent! [WSJ]
  
• What's more on-again-off-again than Jessica Simpson and John Mayer? The potential delaying of Nicole Richie's DUI trial. [Reuters]
  
• The American Psychological Association is reviewing its official stance on homosexuality, in a move that potentially could discredit those who try to "cure" it as if it were a mental illness. [USA Today]

• Can't Salman Rushdie get a break? First his wife Padma Lakshmi dumps him, and now Al-Qaeda is out to get him again. [BBC]
• Frenchmen and women are told by the country's Economy Minister to stop, like, being philosophers and shit and y'know, show up at work. [CNN]
• Meanwhile at the Vatican, the Pope one-ups this and tells non-Catholics that they're not actually Christian. [CNN]
• 4 U.S. casualties identified. [DoD]