Special K is the Cosmopolitan of cereals, a product that has survived for years by making women feel about themselves and offering incredibly stupid tips on how to lessen that self-hate. If Special K was a woman, she'd be that bitch who says things like, "You could be so pretty if you just lost a few pounds." She'd probably also hang out with MeMe Roth and try to make you feel bad about ordering dessert after dinner. Special K is a total buzzkill, and her reign of terror has lasted long enough.

The product thrives by being marketed as a diet product: the "Special K Challenge" has been deceiving women for years, pushing a crash diet as a realistic nutritional plan and making promises about how many inches one will lose over a few weeks, simply by dropping actual meals in favor of low-calorie cereals and supplements. Meal 1: a bowl of cereal. Meal 2: A Meal Replacement bar. Meal 3: a "normal" dinner (the site shows lean meat and greens), and snacks: more bars! That's a healthy attitude, no? For nothing says, "this isn't a complete set-up for failure" quite like dropping whole grains, healthy fats, and balanced meals in favor of a bowl of cardboard-esque flakes swimming in watery skim milk. Mmm...healthy!

The major problem with Special K is that it pushes weight loss for all the wrong reasons: there is always an emphasis on a bathing suit, or a bikini, or, in terms of their New Year's advertising, a need to make up for the "bad" behavior of the holiday season, when you allowed yourself to—gasp—eat food and enjoy it. It's typical crash diet fare: restrict, restrict, restrict in order to hit a goal. There's no emphasis on changing the way you eat in a realistic, healthy, life-long way. It's all about the damn bikini. The Special K website is currently running a banner that reads "Get Two-Piece Ready!" Awesome! All I have to do is starve myself to look sexy. Thanks, stupid cereal!

I say we finally give Special K the ol' heave-ho. Please stop buying into this unhealthy bullshit, ladies. The only true way to be "two-piece ready" is to have the confidence to rock a two-piece no matter what you weigh. Confidence is the beautiful thing- and you're not going to find it at the bottom of a cereal box, no matter how "special" that cereal claims to be.

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According to Consumer Reports, the answer is, well, maybe. Kix, Life, and two varieties of that preschool standby, Cheerios, in its original form and in Honey Nut flavor, made the "Very Good" cereal list. The other 23 cereals got a Consumer Reports smackdown: Kellogg's Honey Smacks were singled out for having "as least as much sugar" as a "glazed doughnut from Dunkin Donuts." What's up with that, Dig 'Em? How are you gonna lead our children astray like this? Shenanigans!

Of course, we can't blame shady marketing practices all together for children's desire to eat sugary cereals. In 2007, Kellogg's announced that it would stop using its beloved cartoon spokespeople to push products to children unless the products in question fit specific nutritional guidelines. This, I believe, is why we no longer see commercials like the ones I loved growing up, the ones that had really stupid rock songs with lyrics that pretty much sounded like this: “Hey kids! Check it out! This is a bowl of sugar! This is a bowl of sugar! Sugar sugar sugar! OH YEAH! Tell your mom and dad to buy it! Or you will be a loser! SUGAR YEAH!”

I know we are living in a country where childhood obesity has become a serious problem, so I completely understand the crackdown on advertising sugary sweets to kids. It’s fair enough. But sometimes I miss those stupid commercials, and I especially miss Rocky Road cereal, which essentially was a giant bowl of sugar with some extra sugar on the side and a touch of choco-sugar mixed in. Tremendous.

So what's a parent to do? One option would to take the Consumer Reports recommendations to heart and switch over to the healthier alternatives. But another option, and perhaps a better one, would be to introduce the concept of moderation to children. The more we label foods as "good" and "bad", the more we set kids up to struggle with food issues and understanding how to recognize their nutritional needs. Is a cup a day of Cocoa Pebbles going to ruin someone's life? Probably not. But there has to be a balance somewhere. Maybe the best way to reinforce healthy eating habits with children is to encourage them to eat a variety of foods all along the spectrum, and to work that sugar high off through good old-fashioned exercise. For no kid should miss out on a nice spoonful of Frosted Flakes with cold, cold milk. For there are some things in life that are truly grrrrrreat, and cereal is one of them.

Better Cereal Choices For Kids? [Consumer Reports]