Beverly Hills Cop came out in 1984, and Eddie Murphy saw white people wearing red Thriller jackets and laughed and laughed and laughed. At the time, I wanted one so badly. Fast forward about seven or eight years, and the country was in the grips of a leather motorcycle jacket frenzy. This picture of Carré Otis astride a hog was hung up in my little sister's room, and we both dreamed of the perfect motorcycle jacket. I eventually bought one — already broken in — off of my Ramones-loving friend Chris, who hated that they'd become mainstream. My sister's came from Bloomingdale's, I think. Later she'd become an cruelty-free fabric wearing vegetarian veterinarian. But I suspect we both would have wanted this peach version. At the time.

I had pants similar to this in 1982 or 1983; but they were black and had stirrups. I wore them to Mitchell's bar mitzvah with a cummerbund and a black dress shirt pinned at the throat with a large rhinestone brooch.

This is similar to the outfit I wore in the car on my way to see Lollapalooza in 1992. The Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam and Ice Cube were on the main stage; but Cypress Hill was on the side stage! This isn't what I wore to the show, of course: I changed into a poet's blouse with velvet choker. Duh.

The shoes are not blasts from the past, but they are fug.

My favorite pleated jeans were actually shorts, which were sometimes worn with backwards suspenders. I cringe now. Terrible choices were made.

His initials were A.T. He had those wounded eyes obligatory for misunderstood and maladjusted high school boys. I was into George Michael and Taylor Dayne; he was into to Zeppelin. We exchanged lingering glances in homeroom. He sat in front of me in math, reeking of weed. I stared at the back of his head, willing him to turn around, and, at the same time, hoping he wouldn't. He wore this — or something like it — every damn day.

His best friend C.T. wore this.

Floral dresses, worn with chunky, mannish shoes — or Doc Martens — were a Big Thing. Part of me remembers the comfort; part of me thinks some things are best left in the past.

WAIT. Polaroid is making a comeback? That's a blast from the past I can get behind.

Polaroid Film Is Coming Back [Boston Globe]

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It's baffling to think that there was a time people thought this cut of trouser looked good. It's weird around the crotch, it's weird around the hips, it's weird at the ankle. It's weird.

Is this what the crotch of a gentleman's jeans are suposed to look like? Like a smirking smiley face?

Or is everything from waist to crotch supposed to be smooth and high and square? Keep in mind this waistband is ELASTIC.

"The Dutch Look": Do you have a hash stash in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

We interrupt this crotch watch to bring you the sheer (heh) terror of the "mesh body shirt."

Two words come to mind, one of them LOL and the other OW.

Poor guy just found out there won't be a Dick Tracy sequel. He's devastated.

Although it's unclear what the rules of this game are — something about awkwardly showing off the crotch and knowing what to do with your hands — it's obvious that the black guy is winning.

The champ returns with another victory.

This crotch is insane. The way everything is bunched up and there are layers on layers and pleats on pleats and stariways leading to stairways as though Escher was the tailor.

Here, a bizarre exposed-button crotch competes wth a crop top worn over a hoodie for sheer mind-bogglery.

OMG remember Cross Colors? This was not the intended consumer.

And the winner. For Most Attention-Grabbing Crotch In A Pair Of Pants. Goes to… the "chaps-look jean," by Generra. Of course.

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It's hard to even predict at this point, as most of the trends I thought we'd never see again (Hammer pants? Really?) are back with a vengeance. As is often the case in such revivals, the most extreme fashion statements are always dragged back out, either for ironic purposes or due to the fact that people who missed the fads the first time around (see: 16-year-olds wearing 80s-inspired clothing) want a chance to try the decade on for size. But for those of us who are still a bit horrified about our middle-and-high-school fashion choices in the 90s, the revival is a bit harder to get excited about: we've already had one round of Hammer pants, thanks, and that's quite enough.

This is not to say that the revival is all bad: most of us still wax poetic at times about the comfort factor of our 90s ensembles: baggy pants, flannel shirts, and lots of corduroy, for example. But for the most part, the 90s were a decade that desperately sought its own style by ripping off decades past: the 70's revival was in full swing when I was in high school, and bell-bottom jeans and platforms ruled the hallways. We also spent the latter part of the decade in y2k mode, wearing "futuristic" silvers and neons and iridescent dresses and punked out hair colors It was, in a way, our 90s version of Judy Jetson's wardrobe. Still, there are certain trends that should never be allowed to return. Let's take a look at a few, shall we?

The Kris Kross Remember that hot minute there when we all thought wearing our clothes backwards was an awesome idea? It pains me to think of the various bathroom-related accidents this fad caused for 4th graders across the nation.


The Ironic Hawaiian Shirt: Sadly this one has never really gone away, but we could certainly do without the "I"m only wearing this hideous shirt because it's so ugly and hilarious" crowd. You're still wearing the shirt, dude! My eyes! MY EYES!


Goggles As Accessories If you are not skiing or swimming, you do not need to wear goggles. Period.


Big Johnson or Coed-Naked shirts If you wore these shirts in the 90s, the odds are that you were either a douche, a frat boy, or a youngster who really did not understand innuendo very well.


Overalls Unless you are a farmer, a toddler or a member of TLC circa 1992, you should not be wearing overalls. It doesn't matter if you sex them up by going shirtless or dropping one shoulder, either.

So which trends do you think should stay buried? And which ones do you hope will come back? Feel free to post them in the comments.

Can't Touch This Style Comeback [ABCNews]
How To Wear Catsuits [TimesOnline]

Surely there are some important lessons to be learned from also-ran teen movies, films that tragically attempted to capture the times but ended up always a step behind their most prestigious competitors. As someone who grew up in the 90's, it seemed that even when these movies where brand new, they reeked of half-ass production values and fairly crappy scripting. The teen films of the 80's always seemed superior to their 90's brethren. However, many years later, these films are brilliant time capsules of how stupid it was, at times, to be a teenager in the 90's. Let's look back at some of the important lessons we learned, from the lesser celebrated films of the era.


Drive Me Crazy:
Drive Me Crazy is my absolute favorite bad movie of the 90's. It is so horrendously bad that it's epically brilliant. It stars Melissa Joan Hart, who can really be in any shitty movie she wants, as she gets a lifetime pass for being Clarissa and explaining it all, and Adrian Grenier, who would later grow up to star on Entourage, where his character would attempt to avoid being placed in films such as this. The premise of Drive Me Crazy is stupid and cliche: Hart and Grenier attempt to get their exes attention by pretending to be in love...and wouldn't you know it? They DO fall in love. The lesson here is: if you allow yourself to be madeover, the popular kid will fall in love with you. Bonus 90's Points: a subplot involving an internet romance, the Donnas playing the school dance, and a Britney Spears tie-in video. Awesome.


Never Been Kissed: Drew Barrymore travels back to a super-hip high school to discover what it's like to be a teen in the 90's. Trouble is, she was a total geek when she was in high school, and it's super tough for her to relate. Luckily, her brother, played by David Arquette (who is supposed to be 18 24 but looks at least 35 in this movie) helps her become popular. Of course, as we've already learned, it takes a makeover to attract the popular boy. In this case, Barrymore has a ridiculously inappropriate flirty relationship with her English teacher, who is so hip, you guys, he insists that his students call him "Sam." The lesson here is this: If you lie, eventually you'll get what you want. Bonus 90's Points: The suggestion of a Millennium Dance, the super Contempo wardrobe, attempting to make the word "rufus" happen.


Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead: One way to tell if a person is worth your time or not is to say "I'm right on top of that, Rose!" If they have no idea what you're talking about, dismiss them instantly, for they have never taken the time to watch this early 90's gem. Christina Applegate stars as Sue Ellen (Swell), who takes over the reigns after the family's babysitter kicks the bucket so that she and her siblings can spend a summer parent-free. Of course this leads to many shenanigans and issues with petty cash, but in the end, Swell gets to throw an insanely 90's fashion show and gets the man she's after. The lesson here is: Sometimes you have to lie, but things will work out in the end. Bonus 90's Points: Everything Christina Applegate wears or designs, grungy stoner brother, a young David Duchovny.


The Craft:
There is, perhaps, no greater sight than that of Fairuza Balk, standing on a beach, yelling "These are my GIFTS!" to the horror of her fellow coven members. This was the film that turned all of us into faux-Wiccans for about 3 weeks in 1996. I will watch this movie any time it comes on, because I am still, at heart, a gothy 15 year old. The lesson we learn here is this: "Be careful. You don't want to end up like Nancy." Bonus 90's Points: Skeet Ulrich, Our Lady Peace on the soundtrack, quite a bit of flannel.


Angus: Why this movie isn't on DVD is beyond me, as it is the one of the best coming-of-age films of the 90's. Young Angus Bethune has to navigate through the brutal world of high school, and his troubles worsen after he's elected homecoming king as a joke by the popular kids, who are led by 90's legend James Van Der Beek. This is every emo kids dream movie, as the geeks fight back and give a giant middle finger to the bullies, all to a pretty kickass soundtrack. The lesson from Angus comes from his grandfather, and is actually pretty great: "Superman isn't brave. He's smart, handsome, even decent. But he's not brave. No, listen to me. Superman is indestructible, and you can't be brave if you're indestructible. It's people like you and your mother. People who are different, and can be crushed and know it. Yet they keep on going out there every time." Bonus 90's Points: The Green Day, Weezer, and Muffs filled soundtrack, the boys try to win Green Day tickets, the aforementioned Van Der Beek.


Can't Hardly Wait: Can't Hardly Wait, I'm almost ashamed to say, is one of my favorite films of all time. Mostly because it is, I think, the only film that perfectly captures being a high schooler in the late 90's. Every single 90's cliche is represented, with Seth Green's ridiculous character, Kenny, representing the worst trends of the era. Although it gets brushed aside a lot, I think Can't Hardly Wait, as stupid and cliche as it is, at times, is probably (alongside Clueless) one of the only films to carry on the John Hughes sentiment of the 80's. The one night at this graduation party is a decent snapshot of 90's high school life, featuring the same crap that has been going on for ages: unrequited love, fears of moving on, and realizing that the people you grew up with are rapidly changing, all set to a 90's soundtrack. The lesson in this film, I suppose, is that you never know until you take a chance. Oh, and also that 92% of females are walking around UCLA going, "Class or Sex? What should I do?" 92 per-cent, yo! Bonus 90's Points: Seth Green's ski goggle accessories, Jennifer Love Hewitt as the prom queen, Donald Faison and Breckin Meyer playing together in Loveburger.

While I know there are many films I've missed (Varsity Blues, She's All That, Fear, and Jawbreaker, to name a few), I think the basics have at least been touched upon. In the 90's, we learned all sorts of ways to lie and manipulate in order to get our way. And when that didn't work out, we tried to be brave, wrote a letter to the one we loved, stole from petty cash, and pushed Skeet Ulrich out a window with our insane powers. These films may be forgotten soon enough, but for those of us who grew up with them, even the worst movies had a few stellar moments that will stick with us through the years. Or, you know, at least make us laugh on a lazy Saturday afternoon.

As always, feel free to add your favorites in the comments.

[Image via MoviePosters.com]

This issue, with Simon Le Bon on the cover, is from fall 1993. It was nibbled by a pet rabbit, if you were wondering.

Please, please, please, please: Don't let these pants come back in style. Please.

Is Moby pinching his nipple?

Nick is a model who doesn't know how to operate a button.

Raise your hand if you had jeans that were "built for two."

Extra points if you wore stripes on stripes.

Tommy Lee, doing what he does best: manhandling a chick. Fall 1994.

Confession: I sort of love this Diesel ad, in which the white people are trying their best to be brown and the brown people are trying their best not to bust out laughing.

Little-known fact: Uma Thurman's brother was a model, briefly.

Gorgeous. Love Patricia. This Venezuelan model went on to be in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns and The L Word.

These boots are made for stompin'.

Doesn't it seem like the fabric is in all the wrong places?

That there on the left is miss Jamie King, known in the '90s as "a girl named James." If you saw My Bloody Valentine 3D a couple of weeks ago, you got a peep at her acting skills.

Trend: Fuzzy = LOL.

What Fleuvogs used to look like.

More chunky, clunky shoes. It was impossible to sneak up on people in the '90s.

Someone wants you to rent Singles.

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Mary-Kate Olsen is roaming the streets of NYC draped in flannel shirts, Agyness Deyn is often photographed in her Doc Martens, and the fall collections at your favorite stores all look a little too familiar for those of us who rocked wide-leg jeans in 1997. Even a simple wardrobe staple, like corduroy pants, has become impossible to track down lately, as the GAP is currently pushing bell bottom cords in their fall collection. That's a 2008 revival of the 1995 revival of 1977's bell bottoms! Fashion, it seems, wants to take us back to another time, and really, who could blame it right now?

What the 90's revival truly represents is a generational desire to return to better days. The idealization of a time period generally comes about 20 years after that time period ends, and as scary as it seems, we're getting pretty close to being two decades out from 1990. Strangely enough, the economy is in the same crappy state it was in in 1990, when the recession hit and grunge style began to take off. Could this explain the return to flannel shirts, combat boots, and dark red lipstick? Or are younger fashion designers simply reminiscing about an idealized youth, when mid-90's prosperity meant that everyone had a job, gas was a .99 per gallon, and George W. Bush wasn't a blip on the presidential radar? Or is this just the way of fashion: things are in, and things are out, whether you're ready for it or not?

Nostalgia is a way to celebrate the past by removing all of the difficult aspects of it. The trick, I think, fashion wise, is to embrace the revival by adding a new and current spin, something that says, "I remember yesterday, but I'm aware of today, and I'm looking forward to tomorrow." Like most things, I guess, fashion serves as a means to represent pieces of our lives that meant something to us. That's not to say that we should all run out and buy snap bracelets and NOT! t-shirts, but there has to be a happy medium somewhere, right?