​Jezebel's Advent Calendar of Crap, Day 1: Fifty Shades of Grey

Perhaps you are familiar with the holiday tradition of the advent calendar, with each new day until Christmas containing some sort of treat (or, if your parents were religious sticklers, a verse from the Book of Luke). But, of course, Jezebel is a palace of heresy, so instead we're presenting you with an advent… » 12/02/13 3:30pm 12/02/13 3:30pm

How Much Weird Sex Can the Fifty Shades Movie Even Show?

We're all VERY excited about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, as the chance to see some real live fake sex on the big screen just doesn't come often enough. To that end, we're also very concerned that some of the best real live fake sex from the book won't make it on to the big screen, as the filmmakers have indicated » 9/09/13 6:00pm 9/09/13 6:00pm

Sign My Petition To Get Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton in '50 Shades'!

UPDATE! Midnight, 9/5: 59 SIGNATURES!!! ALMOST THERE! HOW POETIC IS THIS YOU GUISE? It is literally 9/5 and we are SO CLOSE away from achieving our goal! In recognition of your hard work, here is Dolly singing '9 to 5' (there is a possibility we could incorporate this into the '50 Shades of Grey Movie,' fyi.) BUT… » 9/04/13 10:00pm 9/04/13 10:00pm

Hot: Jax Teller Might Be Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades Movie

Supposedly Sons of Anarchy actor Charlie Hunnam is now Universal's first choice to play Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey. Generally speaking, casting rumors are no fun — unless they involve a really hot person whose .gif you can blow up to four times its size and share on the Internet. You're welcome. » 8/21/13 9:00am 8/21/13 9:00am

Kate Middleton's Birth Announcement Will Be Revealed via Royal Easel

The first post-birth update about Kate Middleton and Prince William's Royal Spawn will be delivered via easel to Buckingham Palace, according to The Telegraph: "The first indication that the Duchess has given birth will come when an aide leaves the hospital carrying a piece of paper with details of the baby’s sex,… » 6/20/13 9:00am 6/20/13 9:00am

E.L. James' New Book Will Teach You How to Write Erotica

Want to write about someone taking a steamy dump on your chesticles? Well, you're in luck, because E.L. James is set to release a journal/how-to book that schools you in the fine art of leaving it all on the page. You'll scribble down the desires of your inner goddess in an instructional novela that's sure to set your… » 3/13/13 10:00am 3/13/13 10:00am

Katie Couric's Dead Husband's Phone Makes 2am Calls to Cops

So this is genuinely bizarre: Katie Couric and New York police commissioner Ray Kelly are investigating a series of 911 calls placed in the early hours of the morning—Tuesdays at 2 AM—from a number registered to Couric's dead husband Jay Monahan, who passed away of colon cancer in 1998. Because it is highly unlikely… » 2/14/13 9:00am 2/14/13 9:00am

Universal, E.L. James Sue Adult Film Company Behind Unimaginative 50…

As far as I'm concerned, making a porn parody of 50 Shades of Grey seems kind of redundant (wouldn't you rather see something unexpected like Good Night and Good Fuck or Black Hawk Pants Down or I'm Argo-ing To Come All Over You?) but happened nevertheless: 50 Shades of Grey: The XXX Adaptation. And although the… » 12/01/12 12:30pm 12/01/12 12:30pm

Can We Please Stop Fifty Shades of Grey from Becoming a 'Woman Thing'?

As a woman, one tires of "woman things," that canon of superficial shit that all women supposedly go Pavlovially apeshit over: chocolate, high heels, designer purses, Sex and the City, white zinfandel, the oeuvre of Matthew McConaughey. Because...I'm a woman...and I don't like all of those things (chocolate and… » 10/04/12 6:30pm 10/04/12 6:30pm

Cosmo Latina Majorly Fails With 'Latin Style' 50 Shades of Grey Tips

For months, lazy publicists and writers have been riffing off 50 Shades of Grey mania by pitching everything and anything Grey related, from sex toys to ties to nail polish. Perhaps Cosmopolitan for Latinas' Ariel Nagi deserves props for managing to combine lazy with offensive in her post, "50 Shades of Grey Sex -… » 10/01/12 5:15pm 10/01/12 5:15pm

Kate Middleton Bottomless Shots Surface In Danish Tabloid

Just as the whole topless photo scandal and subsequent privacy lawsuits were beginning to fade into the ether, rumors surfaced this morning that a Danish tabloid called Se og Hør had published new bottomless shots of K8 Middleton during that same stint she and Prince William had sunning on the balcony of a secluded… » 9/29/12 11:30am 9/29/12 11:30am

Lady Gaga's Weight Must Be Mystifying The People Who Give a Shit

To the folks who have been screaming AHHHH YOU GAINED WEIGHT, WHAT ARE YOU, FATNESS EVERDEEN, Lady Gaga continues to level a resounding "Fuck yourself." Although the rumor out of Universal is that they had to order new, larger costumes for her, she told radio host Elvis Duran that she "doesn't feel bad about it. Not… » 9/24/12 9:00am 9/24/12 9:00am

U.K. Domestic Abuse Charity Conducting Mass Burning Of 50 Shades of Grey

Wearside Women In Need, a women's safehouse in the northeast part of the U.K., has announced that they will be organizing an en masse burning of E.L. James' titillating Ben-Wah ode 50 Shades of Grey. Also, it's Third Reich-era Germany, have you heard? However misguided it may be, Clare Phillipson, the plan's… » 8/25/12 1:00pm 8/25/12 1:00pm

Ben-Wah Balls Brought To You By 50 Shades Of Grey And The Internet

50 Shades Of Grey, that frothy Cirque De Soleil wonderland triptych of mass-consumed erotica that the media immediately termed "Mommy porn" due to its suburban demographic, which I kind of hate—it's basically since expanded to "everyoneporn," or at least "everyone-skimmed-at-Barnes & Noble-porn"— seems to be the gift… » 5/19/12 5:00pm 5/19/12 5:00pm