Yes, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I am 25 and about to drop out of grad school but worried my whole life will be ruined as a result - so changing your plans a few times doesn't mean everything falls apart? Jesus thank you woman! Thank you thank you!
Thank you so much for writing this Doree. I'm at a really similar crisis point of starting from "scratch" at the age of 28, and freaking out about how I'll be 30 with no husband, kids, house, or "career" (but damnit, I will have the dog by 30!).
This was exactly what I needed to read right now, and exactly why I love Jezebel. I'm -no joke- printing out your column and saving a hard copy right now.
@Apple Brown Betty White: I remember when I was 26 and thinking about leaving my PhD program, it seemed so daunting to "start from scratch." But then I realized... in 4 years I'm going to be 30 either way. So I can leave the PhD program and try to do something in those 4 years, or I can stay in the PhD program, still turn 30, and still be miserable.
The other thing I realized is you're never really, truly starting from "scratch." Even though I'm not in academia, I don't regret going to grad school or see those years as "wasted." You're always going to be drawing on your experience no matter what you end up doing. And if my experience is any guide, it can be a bunch of different things before you find something that feels right.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't be afraid to start over. You'll turn 30 or 40 or 50 or whatever no matter what so you might as well be doing something you love.
@Doree Shafrir: The other thing I realized is you're never really, truly starting from "scratch."
YES. I had a period of that when I was about 27. I had just gotten a divorce. I had about two hundred bucks and a shitty car to my name. I had no job. I felt like the lowest of the low.
But I needed to do all of those things if I was to continue to grow. Had I stayed in my old life, I would have died a psychic death. So who cares if I was broke at 27? It was a tough spot and something I needed to go through in order to continue to grow as a person.
Seeing all of the commenters who talk about how they feel like they've peaked at the age of 22 or 23 or whatever not only makes me feel ancient, but it also makes me curse out our society's idiotic obsession with youth. How sad that it is so pervasive that we've got people who are only a quarter of the way through their lives already feeling like failures because they haven't become CEOs or won Pulitzer Prizes or had 2.3 children or whatever. It's so sad.
Maybe it's just because I've had the opportunity to get to know a lot of people in their late 30s, 40s and beyond who have done incredible things, taking up second and third careers and kicking ass at them, but I can no longer get on board with this idea that the things worth doing can only be done in your 20s. It's limiting and self-destructive, and what's more, it's not even accurate.
I am totally overwhelmed by all of our comments on this post.
Ladies - we are young (even if you are 60!)! We are intelligent! We are wonderful people! Our lives are not over - surely they are just beginning. And they will be just beginning tomorrow, too. Don't you dare give up on yourselves. You haven't peaked! Don't be disappointed. No freaking way.
We'll always feel like we never have "it" whatever it is. And that is because we expect a lot from ourselves. But you very well may have someone else's "it." I think I have the "it" that some of you are seeking, and I see that some of you have the "it" that I seek.
Give yourself a break. Put your feet up. Have a glass of wine. Bake. Knit. Watch TV. Read. Whatever it takes. You deserve a little break.
(And yes, I am including myself in this "pep talk" of sorts)
@WaltzingMatilda: WORD. As far as I'm concerned I will only peak when I am 87 and on my deathbed. Life is too fucking short and too fucking precious to spend it hating myself for not living up to some bullshit ideal of What I Should Be.
@whynotshesaid: And I totally took my own soapboxing to heart. I left the office, came home, opened up a bottle of wine and about to just hang with Mr. WM and reflect on just how good I have it at the age of 29.
@WaltzingMatilda: I went to a bar with Mr. Grim and walked home in the nice summer night and generally appreciated life. This column was a good kick in the butt.
I was going to post something about feeling ancient, but any age is what you make of it. I'm smarter, wiser and flabbier than I was at 25. I still do stupid things, but on a smaller scale and can fix them easier. I've read a lot more books and met a lot more people, so I think I'm probably more interesting than at 25 as well. I've finally learned the first step of confidence is chilling the hell out and tenacity is more valuable than talent.
I think it's up to the smart, independent, sassy women of the world to give a collective finger to the messages telling us women of a certain (or of any) age fit into any box.
This column is a great addition. *claps*
I'm 24, on vacation from a job I like reasonably well, and just spent the last two and a half days in bed because I couldn't make myself move. It's the sort of thing that my therapist hates, yes, but sometimes, I'm hit with the overwhelming terror that I peaked three years ago (fellowships and grad school essays and a master's degree at 21) and I threw it all away because I didn't want to barrel into my PhD at the age of 22, since I was scared that I'd lucked into everything and that a doctoral program would reveal me to be a huge fraud.
I quit my first job as a paralegal and have been at this one for about a year and a half now, and even though I like it, I can't escape the feeling that I was this prodigal wunderkind who now makes her living as a glorified secretary. (And not "of State," either.)
I don't want to be an admin for the rest of my life and I'm tired of searching for new roommates for my 2-bedroom just outside of Boston, so I want to buy a condo next summer -- but I quit smoking last year and turned to shopping as a form of therapy, impulse-buying whatever I wanted to make myself feel better about the nervous breakdown I had last November. I'm in just enough credit card debt to annoy me and to keep serious saving just beyond my reach.
Which is all a way of saying thank you for writing this, Doree, and maybe I'll come back to these disjointed paragraphs in ten years and wonder what the hell I was so worried about.
@suzannelb: I am so with you on the feeling like you peaked early and it's all down hill from here. I've been out of undergrad for 2 years now and I feel like I've let all my profs down. I rocked at school. I breezed my way through two very difficult majors at a selective liberal arts school and graduated at the top of both. But with no idea of what I wanted to do after that, and no idea how to figure that out. So now I'm an admin. And while I love my boss, I'm always feeling slightly embarrassed that I'm not living up to my potential.
@funnyface: Embarrassment is precisely the way I feel. My friends are all experiencing the same mid-20s slump, but they all have Relevant Fields and they're working their way up the ladder, wherever they are. I'm just Queen of the Post-Its. I'm supposed to be the writer, but that's not exactly the clearest career path in the world.
@bythesea: I don't know if I could flee to Vienna, but Australia frequently crosses my mind.
Well, I'm 27 and my back went out last week so I definitely feel "old." Then again, I've felt like a middle-aged woman since I was 15, so it's not a new feeling!
I just turned 25 and feel like all I've managed to determine in the past year is that a heap of things I thought were true were, in fact, not true at all. At this rate, by the time I'm thirty, I'll discover that even my own name is wrong.
My dad told me that the day he turned 30, he stayed at home all day and moped because he was getting old. I really couldn't understand that, because I was so damn happy to turn 30! I really was. It just felt like it was a turning point, and that my life was going to get so much better. Not magically, but because I'd finally been brave enough to make some major decisions that changed things dramatically. And I believe in the quarter life crisis, I honestly do - my mid to late-ish 20s were absolutely horrid.
Thank you for this. I'm 26 and on the verge of starting my first semester of Grad School, and I am Freaking Out. Some days I get really scared and don't know if I'll be able to take care of myself. Sometimes it's good to hear that what I'm afraid of is perfectly normal and I'm not some immature freak who can't get her shit together. If other people can survive this, then so can I.
I'm 24 (25 in a few weeks) and I live in a place I do not like (which I've mentioned), do a job I do not want to do and I feel like everyone around me is content with what they are doing, believes they're moving in the right direction, and is the opposite of lonely...
While I'm here FREAKING OUT about everything, all the time, being sad in my own sit-in-my-darkened-room-in-silence kind of way.
This piece makes me feel so...relieved. I'm not crazy (or less crazy than I thought). Seriously, I'm like teary-eyed. I'm going to make a similar list. I hope you had (have?) a lovely birthday :)
@the_poptart: I went through that hardcore when I was that age. I used it as motivation to start making changes to my life. I did not want to be one of those people who made it to my 80s with nothing but regrets about the things I never did.
I recommend just looking at one thing you can change, one thing you always wanted to do that you are not doing, and then start doing it. Don't try to do it all at once, because you won't succeed and then you'll feel even worse.
*hugs* It sucks, I've totally been there. But you've got the power to make a change inside of you. Trust.
When I turned 30, I got married and also bought a place. I thought I had all the time in the world to do anything. My finances were getting better, met several people that became good friends and I liked my work. Now I'm 36 and realized that time is not on my side regarding my reproductive organs. It is like I did not knew it, I read about it, was aware of the consequences of waiting but I felt that I had time. Not being able to get pregnant while trying for several months is a rude awakening that one is not "young".
@Sodypop: Yeah, for me that's just been the icing on the realization that my life is going nowhere. I'm a couple of years younger and already have one kid, but now we're trying and not successful and I hate to admit that it's throwing me into a panic. And really, it's just something concrete to focus on when I could curl up into a ball and cry for a week about how my life in every other way is not turning out how I wanted it to.
@TheFormerJuneBronson: Me too. No kids yet and have been trying for a few months. The issue is that I don't want to change jobs if I may be pregnant soon, but the longer it takes me to get pregnant, the more I feel like I just can't wait to change something about my situation.
09/12/09
08/21/09
08/20/09
08/20/09
08/20/09
-- Your 29-year-old brother.
08/20/09
08/20/09
This was exactly what I needed to read right now, and exactly why I love Jezebel. I'm -no joke- printing out your column and saving a hard copy right now.
08/20/09
The other thing I realized is you're never really, truly starting from "scratch." Even though I'm not in academia, I don't regret going to grad school or see those years as "wasted." You're always going to be drawing on your experience no matter what you end up doing. And if my experience is any guide, it can be a bunch of different things before you find something that feels right.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't be afraid to start over. You'll turn 30 or 40 or 50 or whatever no matter what so you might as well be doing something you love.
08/21/09
YES. I had a period of that when I was about 27. I had just gotten a divorce. I had about two hundred bucks and a shitty car to my name. I had no job. I felt like the lowest of the low.
But I needed to do all of those things if I was to continue to grow. Had I stayed in my old life, I would have died a psychic death. So who cares if I was broke at 27? It was a tough spot and something I needed to go through in order to continue to grow as a person.
08/20/09
Maybe it's just because I've had the opportunity to get to know a lot of people in their late 30s, 40s and beyond who have done incredible things, taking up second and third careers and kicking ass at them, but I can no longer get on board with this idea that the things worth doing can only be done in your 20s. It's limiting and self-destructive, and what's more, it's not even accurate.
08/20/09
Ladies - we are young (even if you are 60!)! We are intelligent! We are wonderful people! Our lives are not over - surely they are just beginning. And they will be just beginning tomorrow, too. Don't you dare give up on yourselves. You haven't peaked! Don't be disappointed. No freaking way.
We'll always feel like we never have "it" whatever it is. And that is because we expect a lot from ourselves. But you very well may have someone else's "it." I think I have the "it" that some of you are seeking, and I see that some of you have the "it" that I seek.
Give yourself a break. Put your feet up. Have a glass of wine. Bake. Knit. Watch TV. Read. Whatever it takes. You deserve a little break.
(And yes, I am including myself in this "pep talk" of sorts)
08/20/09
08/20/09
08/20/09
08/20/09
I think it's up to the smart, independent, sassy women of the world to give a collective finger to the messages telling us women of a certain (or of any) age fit into any box.
This column is a great addition. *claps*
08/20/09
I quit my first job as a paralegal and have been at this one for about a year and a half now, and even though I like it, I can't escape the feeling that I was this prodigal wunderkind who now makes her living as a glorified secretary. (And not "of State," either.)
I don't want to be an admin for the rest of my life and I'm tired of searching for new roommates for my 2-bedroom just outside of Boston, so I want to buy a condo next summer -- but I quit smoking last year and turned to shopping as a form of therapy, impulse-buying whatever I wanted to make myself feel better about the nervous breakdown I had last November. I'm in just enough credit card debt to annoy me and to keep serious saving just beyond my reach.
Which is all a way of saying thank you for writing this, Doree, and maybe I'll come back to these disjointed paragraphs in ten years and wonder what the hell I was so worried about.
08/20/09
08/20/09
08/21/09
@bythesea: I don't know if I could flee to Vienna, but Australia frequently crosses my mind.
08/20/09
08/20/09
08/20/09
08/20/09
08/20/09
While I'm here FREAKING OUT about everything, all the time, being sad in my own sit-in-my-darkened-room-in-silence kind of way.
This piece makes me feel so...relieved. I'm not crazy (or less crazy than I thought). Seriously, I'm like teary-eyed. I'm going to make a similar list. I hope you had (have?) a lovely birthday :)
08/20/09
No worries, I am 5 years older and in the same spot.
08/20/09
I recommend just looking at one thing you can change, one thing you always wanted to do that you are not doing, and then start doing it. Don't try to do it all at once, because you won't succeed and then you'll feel even worse.
*hugs* It sucks, I've totally been there. But you've got the power to make a change inside of you. Trust.
08/20/09
08/20/09
08/20/09