• Lindsay Lohan has returned from India!

While there, she visited the Sanlaap women's and children's shelter outside Calcutta. She spent about 3 hours with people there, and watched dance performances by the children. With her was a four-person camera crew from the BBC, and, at one point, Lindsay wore a bindi. Of course. [People]

• If you have $300, you can buy a "Marc Jacob" bag from LohanHouse.com, where Lindsay and her family are selling gently used clothes, shoes, hats, bags, and "collectables." [Page Six, Lohan House]
• Chris Brown is pissed that stores are not carrying his new CD, Graffiti. He wrote on his Twitter: "im tired of this shit. major stores r blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. what the fuck do i gotta do... WTF... yeah i said it and i aint retracting shit. im not biting my tongue about shit else... the industry can kiss my ass." He said of a Walmart in Connecticut: "They didn't even have my album in the back… not on shelves, saw for myself. the manager told me that when there are new releases its mandatory to put em on the shelves.. BUT NO SIGN OF GRAFFITI." [MSNBC Scoop, Twitter, Page Six, Gatecrasher]
• Lily Allen may have smoked a cigarette during a concert last week; and if the Liverpool City Council can prove she was smoking, she and the venue could be fined. The council is asking "witnesse" to rat Lily out. [BBC News]
• Jude Law and Sienna Miller: "In love" and moving in together in the new year. As you may recall, their romance began on the set of Alfie; then Jude cheated on her with his children's nanny. Forgive but not forget? [The Sun]
• Playgirl has turned down alleged nude photos of Tiger Woods — apparently taken by Tiger himself. The magazine's spokesperson Daniel Nardicio says: "They were impossible to 100 percent verify, hence the unwillingness to go there." [People]
• Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, is not in Sweden, despite some reports. She is in the guest house, which, while large, is not another country. [TMZ]
• Consulting firm Accenture is the first corporate sponsor to officially drop Tiger Woods. [NY Post]
• Tiger Woods' wife will reportedly dump him after Christmas and is talking to a divorce lawyer. As for Tiger, he is seeing a therapist. Allegedly. [Radar Online]
• This report claims that Elin Nordegren wants a trial separation. but that Tiger Woods wants to take a cruise on his yacht with her and convince her to stay with him and have another baby. (?1?!) [NY Post]
• Here, Cori Rist, who hooked up with Tiger Woods, is called a "spectacular escort." [Rush & Molloy]
• According to this report: Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel are both in Palm Beach, Florida. But he's on his yacht; she's with her family. [TMZ]
• "Tiger Woods Cheated As Dad Died. Star Bedded Jamie Jungers As Father Lay Dying In Hospital." [Radar Online]
• Gerald Posner reports that Tiger Woods had a "separate team handle his trysts," and that Rachel Uchitel could be getting $5 million to stay quiet. [The Daily Beast]
• A source says Uma Thurman's ex-fiancé was too controlling: "It seemed like he always wanted to run the show… He wanted to bring in his own chef and his own security. He'd talk about redesigning her house in the city and knocking down buildings at her place upstate." [Rush & Molloy]
• Russell Brand was seen spotted shopping for diamonds at Cartier, fueling speculation he's going to ask Katy Perry to marry him. [Daily Mail]
• Is Prince William a "shadow King"? [NY Daily News]
• Jay-Z is well-loved by his Rocawear employees, whose Christmas gift to him was a video spoof of his hit single, "Empire State of Mind." [Page Six]
• Behold: Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper in the 2010 MAC Viva Glam ad campaign, shot by Ellen von Unwerth. [The Life Files]
• Susan Boyle says he life hasn't changed that much: "I have everything I had before – it's just a little more interesting now." She hasn't really splurged on too much: She bought "a red couch and some cushions." And, she says: "To anyone who has a dream I say follow that dream. You are never too old. It is never too late. And dreams can become a reality." [People]
• What do we think of Carey Hart's Day-of-the-Dead-style tattoo of Pink? [The Life Files]
• Guy Ritchie is thinking of opening a branch of his London pub, the Punch Bowl, in New York. [Daily Express]
• Sad face: Grizz from 30 Rock is suffering from severe hypertension and has to be on a dialysis machine three times a week. He's on the waiting list for a kidney transplant, but need to lose 75 pounds before he's considered a viable candidate. And the wait is 5 years. He talks about all this on Dr. Oz's show on Tuesday. [NY Daily News]
• The Los Angeles Film Critics Association and the Boston Society of Film Critics agree: Mo'Nique's performance in Precious and Kathryn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker were some of the best moments in film this year. [People]
• Lots of Kerry Washington's favorite places in New York are food-related. [NY Post]
• Candy Spelling, a panelist on E!'s new series, Bank of Hollywood — produced by Ryan Seacrest — says: "I don't have to work. I'm not putting up my own money! We all contributed our salaries, but I wasn't going to pay [the contestants] to be on TV… I love giving of my time and money — I'm very charitable and sit on three nonprofit boards and two city boards as commissioner — but… then I would just be donating money and leaving it up to the contestants as to how it's spent. We all felt a strong responsibility about how they would spend the money." Yeah, I don't know either, but it sounds snotty. [NY Post]
• Sarah Ferguson, ex-Duchess Of York, says she's going to start a historical novel, starring an aristocratic redhead and set in the eighteenth century, "sort of like Pride and Prejudice meets 24. It's actually me putting myself in the eighteenth century… I can just imagine how it would be, and I have such fun!" [New York Magazine]
• Groan: Spencer Pratt now owns a music company, King Spencer Music. Be afraid. [TMZ]
• Entourage's Kevin Connolly says he thinks Rex Lee didn't really mean it when he said he was made fun of on the set because of his ethnicity and sexuality. Pardon? [TMZ]
• At the link, an obituary for Natasha Richardson by Ralph Fiennes. [Guardian]
• Add Kid Rock and Dave Grohl to the list of musicians suing bars for playing unlicensed music. [TMZ]
• LOL: 21-year-old Ekaterina Ivanova is calling ex-boyfriend, 65-year-old Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood, an "evil goblin." [Telegraph]
• CSI Miami's Jonathan Togo was arrested Friday for allegedly getting violent in a fight with his girlfriend; he was booked for felony domestic violence. [TMZ]
• A year after being rejected on TV, Bachelor contestant Melissa Rycroft got married. But not to a guy from TV. [Us Magazine]
• "Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood Celebrate Anniversary at McDonald's." [People]
• The Princess And The Frog was number one at the box office with a modest $25 million. [MSNBC Scoop]
• Bentley Meeker is a celebrity lighting guru and you are not. [Page Six]
• "I don't want to talk about him, except that I like him… I think everyone needs an adventure buddy." — Holly Madison on Benji Madden. [People]
• "Whenever anybody say they are going to give me some kind of award, I'm always a little stupefied by the notion. The first thing I say is 'why?' I just go to work like anyone else, except my job happens to be a little stranger." — Johnny Depp, when receiving a career achievement award at the Bahamas International Film Festival. [AP]
• "It makes certain cities impossible to live in. Like Sydney, it makes it impossible for us to live there… We certainly don't get that treatment in Tennessee. But it goes with the territory. It's just, we have to be careful, just to maintain some sort of semblance of a normal life for our child." — Nicole Kidman says attention from photographers is the reason she won't live in Sydney. [News.com.au]
• "I don't have a personal vendetta against Nicole Kidman… These are Machiavellian games that are being played and they are just not right. If she doesn't want to be photographed she should change her profession and become a butcher." — Paparazzo Jamie Fawcett, whom Nicole Kidman has requested a restraining order against and also took to court for placing a listening bug outside her home and following her in his car. [News.com.au]
• "Breaking up the band was a mistake because I think it broke trust with the audience. You had an audience that was very invested in that idea - whether they were invested in the people or the idea or the songs, I don't know. Like a relationship that you break off from and then try to pick back up, it's never quite the same. It doesn't mean it can't be as good, but it has to be different. That beautiful original feeling got lost in the interim of being away. If we had said, 'We just went away for seven years,' it would have been similar, but somehow breaking up, there's a violence to it." — Billy Corgan, on the Smashing Pumpkins. [WENN via Spinner]
• "If I didn't act, I'd be a nutcase. Some people have to do it. They have a lot of emotion they have to get out." — Rachel Weisz, who's in The Lovely Bones. [News.com.au]
• "My body is falling apart. The only way that I could do it is if I played a character who gets shot in the left leg and the right shoulder in the opening scene." — Kenny Rogers says he is too "decrepit" to be in Christmas In Canaan, the movie based on the book he wrote. [Daily Express]
• "Sometimes when I watch the show back I think we've gone too far because I see the pre-story beforehand, I can then see the audition from their perspective and there are times where I think I could have handled that better or I was in a bad mood and I was too rude. At the same time... no-one is sort of dragged kicking and screaming onto the audition set." — Simon Cowell. [BBC News]
• "A journalist went up to my  husband once and said 'did you know that dating anyone more than three years younger than you is considered pedophilia?' [Peter shot back] 'Really? My wife is seven years younger.'" — Maggie Gyllenhaal. [Gatecrasher]
• "Angry African-American women, you know, thought that it would be the image that people would associate with them. Virginiaca is definitely art imitating life, but I understand where they're coming from, and I don't have to project that onto mainstream America. What's funny is funny. This place is well known for getting angry letters — Lorne keeps 50 of them outside his office. It keeps you grounded in the fact that in late-night comedy, you're going to have to burn somebody." — Kenan Thompson. [New York Magazine]
• "I say 'Be Italian' many times in the song, but it was important to me that every time I say it, it have a different meaning, because there are so many different things about being Italian. There's love of life and food and sex and drink. There's love of dancing, love of singing. So it was putting all that into it." — Fergie, on her song in Nine. [NY Post]
• "The negative stuff is crazy and the positive stuff is crazy… I actually see all the discussion and controversy and, you know, 'Is it Smurfs and Dances With Wolves in space?' and all this crap, as good. It fuels interest. All those people that go online and repeatedly dismiss the movie day after day, I know they're going to be there watching it." — James Cameron on Avatar. [NY Post]
• "I think every little girl should be able to feel themselves the princess. I think every little girl is worthy of having a princely young man, and vice versa. It's really thrilling that Zahara will never have a moment where she didn't see herself in that light. She's Ethiopian. She comes from kings and queens. She should certainly know herself as a princess." — The Princess And The Frog's Anika Noni Rose, responding to Angelina Jolie's claim that she's ecstatic that daughter Zahara has a role model. [Ok!]
• "I'm working out again. I'm going to make the sequel to 300. My pecs will be glistening. I'll have a codpiece. I'm going to blow your mind." — Alec Baldwin. [Rush & Molloy]

The episode was even more laugh-out-loud than usual, with Frank morphing into Liz, Jenna dubbing text messages "business sexts," and Tracy Jordan going to Whoopi Goldberg for advice on winning an EGOT (an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony), which is "a great goal for a crazy person."

While Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan often steal the show from star/writer Tina Fey, the episode's most hilarious moments came from her character Liz Lemon, who had a breakdown while filming the Dealbreakers pilot. Though Liz fantasized that as a TV star she'd be a glamorous blonde carrying on an affair with Astronaut Mike Dexter, in reality, she got a terrible makeover and her insecurities about acting made her so awkward that she forgot how to perform basic moves like waving and smiling. Jenna explained that "Regular Liz" had been transformed into "Performer Liz," and that Jack must then "lie to her, coddle her, protect her from the real world." Or as he put it, "Treat her like the New York Times treats its readers."

Although Anthony Lane criticized Fey's acting in The New Yorker's review of Baby Mama last year, saying, "she hasn't yet made up her mind how funny her body is meant to be," in the clip below, Fey shows off her physical comedy chops as Liz attempts to film the intro for Dealbreakers.

What really did Liz in wasn't her robotic performance or Jenna-like tantrums, but what her face looked like in high-def:

At least she didn't look as bad as Pete:

Once again, we saw that in his soul, Kenneth belongs on Sesame Street:

And of course, the only person who actually looked better in high-definition was Alec Baldwin:

The full episode is available on Hulu.

Switching Places [The New Yorker]
"Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001" [Hulu]

• It's Complicated's Alec Baldwin has amazing body image. "I have a great ass, if I may say so. That's a part of my body that needs no surgical enhancement or rearranging." But when it comes to cosmetic surgery, Baldwin says:

"I'm not saying I wouldn't do something! I intend to do something, I probably will. Let's put it this way: I wouldn't rule it out because... You don't think I wake up every day and wish I looked like this and this and this? But I can't let that bother me." Costar Meryl Streep is not convinced: "If you've ever even contemplated that stuff and looked at what can go wrong in any of those magazines, it's terrifying!" [Us via Entertainment Weekly ]

• Oooh! Julianne Moore on 30 Rock! Maybe as Alec Baldwin's love interest! [E!]
• Britney Spears' Australian tour has yet to begin, but it's already controversial: People have heard she'll be lip-syncing, and they are not happy. [AFP, Sydney Morning Herald]
• The Michael Lohan mess continues! Now Lindsay has Twittered, "Haha he's needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN." In response, Michael says: "Lindsay is grasping at straws and when she gets angry she lashes out." And! "I want her to go into rehab." Yeah. We know. [RadarOnline]
• Lindsay also Tweeted that her father is a "loser" and, in reference to her mom, says: "She blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I'd beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did." Michael Lohan responds: "That's a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I'm going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies. No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her. Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given." [Page Six, ABC News]
• Want video of Michael Lohan saying Lindsay lies and so on? You got it. [Radar Online]
• Speaking of Michael Lohan, he and Hailey Glassman are among the witnesses TLC plans to subpoena in a breach of contract lawsuit filed against Jon Gosselin. That should be fun. [People, Radar Online]
• OMG OMG! The White House will host an episode of Iron Chef America, and contestants will use food from Michelle Obama's garden! [NY Daily News]
• Levi Johnston is pissed that William Shatner read his Tweets on The Tonight Show. His rep released a statement which reads: "My client, Levi Johnston, is being impersonated on your media (Twitter) and this is leading to libel and slanderous statements being attributed to him. ... We want you to put an immediate end to this illegal activity. ... You are being used as a medium to promote this illegality and we want immediate action." Etc., etc., etc. [ET, TMZ]
• Levi Johnston went shopping for hockey gear. For his ten-month-old son, Tripp. [ET]
• Levi Johnston is getting an award from our sister site, Fleshbot. [E!]
• Kate Hudson and A-Rod celebrated the Yankees' win by partying late. [NY Daily News]
• Will Oprah move her show from Chicago to L.A.? In a word: No. Not in the immediate future, anyway. But since her network, OWN, supposedly launches next year, she may move the show. But a source calls the OWN company "rudderless." [MSNBC Scoop]
• "Oprah Winfrey is removing gospel singer BeBe Winans from her show's 'karaoke challenge' until charges against him for allegedly pushing his ex-wife to the ground are resolved." [AP]
• Colin Farrell's sex tape has come back to haunt him, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's family. [Irish Central]
• Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are house-hunting together, if you care. [People]
• As you may have read in Midweek Madness, the stripper who claims she hooked up with Josh Duhamel claims that they fell asleep together after doing the deed, but "he kept waking her up for more sex." [Us]
• Awww: Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle says Freida Pinto and Dev Patel are "soul mates." [Mirror]
• Um, David Gest plans to hold a seance tonight to attempt to contact Michael Jackson. You know who Gest needs to contact? A good hairdresser, because there is something WRONG. [The Sun]
• Kevin Spacey made a joke about Simon Van Kempen, Alex McCord and Ramona Singer of the Real Housewives of NYC, but they didn't think it was funny. [Gatecrasher]
• A suicide prevention group is not happy about the scene in The Office when Michael tries to scare kids by hanging from a noose. [AP]
• Jesse James is ordering his ex-wife to leave new wife Sandra Bullock out of their custody battle. Sandra has been helping Jesse raise his 5-year-old daughter ever since January, when Jesse's ex-wife — porn star Janine Lindemulder — wen to jail for tax evasion. [People]
• Mean! Sharon Osbourne thinks that Susan Boyle "looks like a hairy [bleep]hole." [Page Six]
• Spotted: Paula Abdul bawling at a screening of Precious. [Page Six]
• Stephen Colbert saw Bob Woodruff trying to tape an interview with Bruce Springsteen near a bathroom, so, naturally, Colbert flushed the toilet every time Bruce started to talk. [Page Six]
• Kevin Federline certainly likes to procreate. The National Enquirer is reporting hat his girlfriend is pregnant. That's K-Fed's fifth kid. [Perez]
• "Morgan Freeman has settled a lawsuit related to a 2008 car accident that seriously injured him and a passenger, according to court records posted Thursday." [USA Today]
• Pamela Anderson has been living in a trailer while her home was being worked on. "I moved there because I was waiting for this damn house to be built in this posh part of Malibu — then I realized I was so much happier." But now she's ready to move back into her house, although, she says: "The kids don't want to leave." [Daily Express]
• MTV host Alexa Chung celebrated her birthday with Agyness Deyn, cake, and ice cream. [Page Six]
• James Gandolfini doesn't like it when you film him without his consent. In this video, he tells a guy with a camera, "I'm gonna break your fucking face." Jeez. Do not make Tony Soprano mad! [Gothamist]
• Whatshername's kid is okay and out of the hospital. [The Sun]
• "Being out and just open: It's very liberating. Now I don't have to dance around anything. I don't have to think 'Well, if I say that, they're going to figure this out and that's going to lead to this.' Now, everything is out on the table. I don't have anything to hide; I can be even bolder." — Wanda Sykes. [USA Today]
• "There's that saying, what other people think of me is none of my business? But I don't really care. And I've dined with my heroes, man. If we're talking about comedians and people that have taken shots at me, I don't get it. I don't get that, 'cause I know that the Chris Rocks and the Steve Martins and the Billy Cosbys and the Rodney Dangerfields, guys that I loved, embraced me. Other comics, what people deem 'alt comics,' a lot of them have egg on their face 'cause they're now making talking-animal movies. 'Cause they sold out hard-core. And they have to answer to their fans now - 'Hey, I took a shot at Dane,' but you're in Alvin and the Chipmunks. And you know what? More power to you. You did a movie that goes against what you preached, and what you hard-core vehemently nailed me on. I know you got a kid to feed. You might have a sick mom that you have to take care of. And that's okay. I'm not gonna take your legs out from under you. But I am aware that you put your head in your pillow, and maybe you should have bit your tongue a little bit." — Dane Cook. [NY Mag]
• "I've done a few things, playing around with the OCD thing — when I leave my house I do a few things just to see what that's like. It's fun — you just have to maintain a real level of stillness. There's an air of confidence that comes through that stillness which dictates on the character so it's been a fun ride." — Dominic Monaghan pretends he has OCD because he plays a character with OCD on FlashForward. [Mirror]
• "Pepsi has created a soda that has Viagra in it. It's not going to be called a soft drink anymore." — Bruce Springsteen. [Gatecrasher]
• "I wouldn't have made it on that show. The pressure is unbelievable. Success wasn't measured back then as it is today — it took us three albums to make it big and I don't think they would have let happen now." — Jon Bon Jovi on X Factor. [Telegraph]
• "We are not supposed to still be here." — Jon Bon Jovi on being in the biz for 25 years. [BBC News]
• "I'm gonna get in trouble for this, but I don't watch any of the shows! The only show that I've seen anything on was a couple episodes of Atlanta and that's because I'm really good friends with [Atlanta's] NeNe and she was telling me about something and I was like, 'Oh, that sounds juicy. I gotta watch it!' I just developed a makeup line called Gretchen Christine Beaute and I'm working on the Gretchen Project and I just don't have time to watch TV — it's hard enough to get me to sit down and watch the show I'm on! I already have enough drama, obviously, in my life, so I don't need to watch the drama of the other ones." — O.C. Real Housewife Gretchen. [PopWrap]
• "I just finished writing a script and I am trying to get funding and casting for it, believe it or not. It's called We and it's a love story… It is two parallel love stories told from a woman's point of view, obviously. One is a historical story that took place with the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. And the other is one I made up about a couple in New York." — Won't you please fund Madonna's film career? [Daily Express]
• "No more farm animals — and no more children!" — George Clooney. [CNN]

The pictures in question were taken over the summer, and showed the pretending to kiss or lick "novelty phallus-shaped lollipops." Other images showed the girls in their underwear with dollar bills sticking out. The ACLU has become involved in the case, and they claim that since the incident occurred outside school, it should not effect their standing. •  A new study from Britain's Department of Health has found that new mothers feel most anxious around five months after giving birth. At this point, the excitement has supposedly worn off, and friends and relatives are supposedly no longer offering as much support, which leads many mothers to feel isolated and nervous. • Nutrition experts have complained that Kellogg's is falsely advertising that its Cocoa Krispies cereal can help "boost immunity." Currently, the Cocoa Krispies box reads: ""Now helps support your child's IMMUNITY," alluding to the addition of vitamins A, C and E. But Kelly Brownell from Yale University says, "by their logic, you can spray vitamins on a pile of leaves, and it will boost immunity." • Researchers recently found that 1/5 of smokers lie about smoking during pregnancy. The study, which looked at 3,475 women from Scotland, asked women to come clean about lighting up while pregnant and followed up with the revealing blood tests. •  The Cyprus Feline Society has identified two breeds of cat that they claim are "ancient breeds" and would like international recognition for them. The two breeds include the tall and elegant "Aphrodite," and short, broad-faced "Helen." •  A professor at Harvard has announced that next semester he plans a class based entirely on the HBO show The Wire. "I do not hesitate to say that it has done more to enhance our understanding of the challenges of urban life and the problems of urban inequality, more than any other media event or scholarly publication," said sociology professor William J. Wilson at a recent panel discussion.  • A new study found that while marriage rates are lower for women on welfare, receiving Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, once they exit the system they are as likely to marry as women who were never on welfare. • International cancer specialists will meet this week to figure out how to combat the increase of breast cancer in developing countries, where almost two-thirds of women aren't diagnosed until the cancer has spread through their bodies. Doctors say part of the problem is that in some areas women worry that men will leave them if they lose a breast. "It's not a trivial consideration," says Dr. Lawrence Shulman of the Dana Farber Cancer Institute, who is working to begin cancer care in parts of Africa where "the women are often seen as really either vessels for producing children or as sex slaves." • A mother in New York is challenging a judge's decision to 34 percent increase in the number of Down Syndrome births between 1989 and 2005, 15 percent fewer babies were born during that time due to prenatal testing. Some are worried that the decline in Down Syndrome cases will lead to cuts in research funding and that more people aren't even considering raising a child with Down syndrome. • A Texas health clinic operator CareNow says it regrets telling a Muslim doctor applying for a job that she couldn't wear her hijab. The company called it a "misunderstanding" after the American-Islamic Relations wrote to CareNow, explaining federal law requires employers to reasonably accommodate religious practices of an employee. • Today Michelle Obama is launching a mentoring program in which she and female White House staffers will mentor 20 high school girls from the Washington, D.C. area. The girls will get to visit their mentors' offices and gather for a group dinner. • Despite Liz Lemon's well-known love of the German language, 30 Rock is not popular in Germany. Its premiere last night on the German channel ZDFNeo earned a 0.0 rating, meaning it was watched by fewer than 5,000 people. Blerg. •

After Jack dropped the term "real America," Liz informed him, "That's a nonsense term. All of America is "real America." Could that be a dig at Sarah Palin?

Jack's announcement also inspired Tracy to rediscover his humble bucket-drumming roots, while Jenna offered to "go country" since, "the best way for a lady to get heat in this industry is to either record a country album or have a lesbian relationship."

Speaking of feeling the heat, things are tight at NBC due to the recession, so Jack asked Kenneth and the rest of the pages to work longer hours for no overtime. Kenneth, understandably was outraged when he discovered that Jack himself is still earning a bonus, just as many "real Americans" were when they found out Wall Street executives were doing the same.

Meanwhile, Liz and Pete were secretly going to comedy clubs scouting for a new TGS cast member average Americans could relate to. The rest of the writers assumed all the sneaking around meant they were having an affair, and, rather than send them into a panic, Liz admitted, "Pete and I are intercoursing each other."

An opportunity opens up for 30 Rock to boost ratings by taking the lesbian route (sort of). Thankfully, they don't go there.

In the end, Liz wound up losing the entire TGS cast when Jenna and Tracy joined Kenneth's page/mall Santa/bucket drummer strike.

Jack threatened to end the page program, but Kenneth realized he was bluffing (Jack can't afford to pay real employees to do the work!) an, after Jack admitted to lying, the strike was called off. The moral of this story was: Kenneth may be simple, but he's not stupid (and can't be seduced by the sight of Steve Buscemi in a blonde wig).

Earlier: John McCain Plans To Win The "Real" America After You Godless Commies Are Locked Up

1.) Who farted?
Bigger than the mystery of whether or not this whole thing was a publicity stunt is the mystery of which Heene family member's heinie gave a Bronx cheer.


Entertainment Tonight is all over this thing.


2.) Speaking of potty humor…
I love this girl.


3.) "Well, fuck you."


4.) 12¢ Cheeseburgers


5.) Wendy Williams fucked up a lot this week.
More than usual.


6.) This kook says she's spoken to Michael Jackson since he died.


7.) Balloon Boy will not steal Jon Gosselin's thunder!
This week Jon was, again, all over The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (which led to the lawsuit TLC filed against him today). After his appearance in court earlier this week, when a judge ordered him to return $180,000 he took from Kate and his children, Jon appeared tense. Here, he explains his clenched jaw.


Entertainment Tonight managed to get Rod Stewart's opinion on Jon, as though Rod is some kind of father of the year. (Rod's children have, in fact, been on reality TV, and one of them appeared on Celebrity Rehab, which is a giant parental fail.)


8.) Asians don't need Botox, according to Jon Gosselin.
But he would like to get new hair plugs.


9.) Jon is trying to distance himself from Michael Lohan.


And that's probably a good thing, considering that Lindsay's dad filmed an episode of Maury this week, which, as of yet, has no scheduled air date.


10.) 30 Rock is back!

• Courtney Love "went nuts" when a guest at a party opened an unlocked bathroom and saw her on the toilet with her skirt around her ankles.

Apparently she launched herself at the dude, and though people tried to calm her down, a security guy told the man: "It's best you get away as fast as possible." [Page Six]

• Backstage at the Emmys, Paramedics were called for Kristin Chenoweth, who complained of a migraine headache and then said she couldn't open her eyes. [Access Hollywood]
• More backstage Emmys drama: A fight between Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff got "kind of loud." Apparently they were "screaming at each other"after he said she took too long in hair and makeup. [E!]
• Mad Men and 30 Rock were big winners at the Emmys last night. [NY Daily News]
• Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs won the weekend box office; Jennifer Aniston's Love Happens came in fourth — one of her worst openings in years — and Jennifer's Body placed fifth. [Ny Daily News]
• "Mr. T's Chance of Meatballs character fits him to a T." [USA Today]
• Kate Gosselin taped her Mom Logic TV show pilot over the weekend, and even though guests Mel B and Christie Brinkley were nixed, a source says the taping "went extremely well" and "Kate did great." [Radar]
• Congrats! Zooey Deschanel married Death Cab For Cutie singer Ben Gibbard Saturday night near Seattle. [People]
• Did you know that Susan Sarandon has been a member of a Ping-Pong society for years? [NY Magazine]
• From a profile on Madonna: "Scented Christian Dior candles fill the air in a space so dimly lit, it seems both slightly theatrical and quasi-religious. A huge telephone with multiple extensions bears labels such as M study, M dressing room, M bathroom, Laundry, Music Room, Kitchen, Mews." And: "A lot of people are just really confused by me… They don't know what to think of me, so they try to compartmentalize me or diminish me. Maybe they just feel unsafe. But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you're fearing something that it's bringing up in you." [Times Of London]
• Paula Abdul almost refused to co-present with Kathy Griffin at the VH1 Divas concert because of all the insulting jokes Kathy had made. [Gatecrasher]
• Amy Winehouse was leaving a nightclub recently when a passerby shouted "Oi Amy, where's your crack pipe?" [The Sun]
• Heidi Klum and Seal can't decide on a name for the baby girl they are expecting. Seal says: "It has been the topic of debate for the last month. We can't quite figure it out. I'm a firm believer that she will pop out and will tell us what she wants to be called." [Mirror]
• Charlize Theron's nude scene in The Burning Plain — in which she smokes a cigarette while standing at a window in full view of passersby in Portland, OR — was shot at 6 a.m. to avoid paparazzi. [Page Six]
• Oprah had a block party in Chicago and paid more than $54,000 for city services. [Ny Post]
• Joy Behar would love to get Sarah Palin on her new show on HLN and talk to her about the "real America." "It's insulting to men like my father, who fought in World War II, whom she doesn't think are real Americans because we don't agree with her." Joy also says: "Look, it's not that I'm contentious; I'm uncompromising. I'm friendly, but I can't let things go unchallenged. And I intend to give my opinions quite profusely. I might even have to interrupt myself." [New York Magazine]
• New couple? Kid Cudi and Amanda Bynes??? [Gatecrasher]
• They're saying Mischa Barton's a mess in the morning and needs someone to "fix" her coffee, but who isn't and who doesn't? [Page Six]
• So what is up with that Taylor Momsen record contract that allows her singing on Gossip Girl and the "Runaways Project"? She's not in the Runaways movie! Was she was supposed to get Dakota Fanning's part? Or does she have a secret cameo? [TMZ]
• Beth Ditto has banned her girlfriend from touring with her: "[It's] not because I don't think she can handle it, but because that's my life. Say what you want about me. Say it to my face, say it behind my back, write it on the fucking bathroom mirror, I don't care. But do not talk about the people I love. I will lose my mind." [NME]
• An ambulance was called to David Hasselhoff's house yesterday; apparently his 17-year-old daughter, who was home with him, called her mother, saying that David was extremely drunk. A friend of Pamela's called 911. [TMZ, TMZ]
• January Jones, aka Mad Men's Betty Draper, has purchased a lovely home in the Los Feliz neighborhood of L.A., and you can see the pix at the link. [The Real Estalker]
• The Guinness World Records board has refused to let the White Stripes into their record book for playing a one-note concert, due to insufficient interest. Twelve hundred people showed up to a gig in Canada where Jack White played an E. [Mirror]
• Stephen Moyer on his engagement to Anna Paquin: "It was very intimate and quite surprising for her, I think, and we were by ourselves at dinner in Hawaii and...I surprised her. But it was something that surprised me probably more than it surprised her." He also says: "She is very funny and very frank and very direct and beautiful… She doesn't take any of my nonsense." [E!]
• David Arquette and Ben Harper have a clothing line called Propr, and Arquette says: ""We love the idea of chivalry and going in an old-school barber… There's a quality that's in the finer details, like they really thought it out a step further." More from "A Night Out" with the duo at the link. [NY Times]
• Ryan O'Neal visited Farrah Fawcett's grave after their son, Redmond, was ordered to leave jail and go to rehab for a year. [Daily Mail, USA Today]
• Nicole's sister Antonia Kidman is engaged to Singapore-based banker Craig Marran. [News.com.au]
• Terry Gilliam got Johnny Depp to tango for The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus even though Johnny allegedly said "Men don't dance." [Mirror]
• Oy: Sacha Baron Cohen will play an Israeli tour guide on The Simpsons. [UPI]
• From a piece on John Malkovich's new film, Disgrace, set in post-apartheid South Africa: "[Malkovich's character] Lurie appears the virtual embodiment of white male arrogance, an English professor who views himself through the prism of Romantic poetry and who pursues an exploitive, obsessive affair with a much younger, mixed-race student. You can't say that he rapes her, but the issue of consent between an inexperienced young woman and a practiced seducer — one with direct power over her academic future — is complicated, to say the least." [Salon]
• Will Diddy switch record labels? [Page Six]
• Scott Weiland had a seizure on a plane while en route from Los Angeles to Florida, causing the plane to land in Dallas-Fort Worth; he is "doing great" now. [E!]
• Larry King hates frivolous lawsuits. [TMZ]
• John Travolta may be a witness at the trial for two people accused of trying to extort $25 million from him after his son died in the Bahamas. [AP]
• John Travolta says if he is called to testify, he will do so. [ET]
• Sources say John Travolta's testimony will be dramatic and emotional. [TMZ]
• Ozzy Osbourne's new memoir describes appearing on the MTV show The Osbournes as "terrifying" and like being "strapped to a rocket and being blasted through the stratosphere at warp factor ten." [Mirror]
• Leonard Cohen is recovering after collapsing on stage during a show in Spain; he reportedly had food poisoning. [UPI]
• James Blunt is accusing internet service providers of "handling stolen goods" by allowing file sharing and illegal downloads. [Telegraph]
• Anoushka Shankar, Ravi Shankar's daughter, had been the victim of a blackmail plot; an arrest has been made. [Independent]
• District 9 is not welcome in Nigeria. [NY Post]
• "Frustrated cops probing Jordan's claim to have been raped by a celebrity said yesterday they could do no more unless she co-operates." [The Sun]
• "You're not going to be successful. You're not going to be millionaires (with the exception of MAYBE Kris and Adam). No one will care about you. Those fans who've been asking for your autograph all tour long - 98 percent of them don't give a flying poo about you once next season of Idol starts. In other words, your days of being a star are over. But that's all right - so are mine… The music business, for the most part, will treat you like an outsider… You are just a game show contestant who still needs to prove why you should be here. Move to a music city. L.A., New York or Nashville Leave home and live WAY below your means." — Chris Sligh, former American Idol contestant, to other Idol singers, on his blog. [NY Post]
• "I was never in the high, high fashion industry. I was never one of those superskinny, supertall waif girls who goes from show to show. When you do more commercial things, your weight is allowed to fluctuate a bit. Not every inch counts. It's hard for the girls. How old are they? Fifteen, 16? Some girls are naturally thin and can eat whatever they want. When I was 15, 16, there was not one ounce of fat on me, but some other girls have to work hard to stay like that. But the rules are not made by the models. To be part of this, they have to be the size the designer wants them to be. I'm not that skinny, and I never was, but I can pretty much eat whatever I want." — Heidi Klum. [Page Six Magazine]
• "My dream was always to work in a candy store. It was because of my obsession with candy; I don't have it any more, now that my teeth are all rotten. I did go to a university for a year, as shocking as that might sound to people, and there was a candy shop that I used to go to all the time, an old-fashioned one where all the candy was in these big glass jars. I used to go in there and look at all the candy and think, ‘God, it would be really cool to work in here; I could have candy whenever I wanted.' So I did want the keys to the candy store, but I had different keys." —Madonna. [Times of London]
• "At first, I didn't know whether I'd be healthy enough to film a full season of an action-packed drama series. But soon I realized there was nothing I wanted to do more. We got in touch with the network to let them know about my diagnosis and I sent this message: 'Don't count me out. I can do this.' All I could think was: 'If I'm going out, I'd rather go out on a high note, doing quality work I believe in.'" — From Patrick Swayze's memoir, on doing The Beast with a cancer diagnosis. [Daily Mail]
• "We need to be the example of respect, of tolerance, and just how to be civil, can we do that? Even though I didn't win the crown that night I know that the Lord has so much of a bigger crown in heaven for me. I never asked to be thrown into politics… but you know what, I'm proud of the stance that I took and I'm glad that God upheld me for such a time as this." — Carrie Prejean. [NY Daily News]
• "Forget about playing Tony Blair. When I told her I was definitely playing vampire Aro in Twilight, she cried. She was so overwhelmed and annoyed that I muscled in on something that was hers. She's already told me she'll be my date for the premiere." — Michael Sheen's 10-year-old daughter, Lily is excited about his career for once. [Page Six]

[Los Angeles, September 19. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

[New York, August 26. Image via WENN]

• "We're very much in love. Especially her. We're actually going to tie the knot next Tuesday." — Gerard Butler, joking with Conan O'Brien about the Jennier Aniston rumors. He continued:

"And then on Saturday, I'm marrying Cameron Diaz. Joan Rivers will be the next weekend." [Daily Mail]

• Will Angelina and Brad try to save their "troubled" relationship by making a sequel to Mr. & Mrs. Smith? "This time around the Smiths will have children, and the kids' antics will be part of the story line," says an insider. "[Brad] is hoping they'll fall in love all over again." Consider the source on this, mmkay? [National Enquirer]
• Even though Britney Spears is supposedly dating her agent, Jason Trawick, she's recently spend a lot of time alone with producer Dallas Austin. [Page Six]
• Kiefer Sutherland's headbutt-related court appearance: Postponed. [Mirror]
• After a deadly stage collapse, Madonna's concert in Marseille, France, has been canceled. [Mirror]
• One stage worker was killed yesterday when the roof fell apart at the Velodrome Stadium in Marseilles where Madonna's concert was supposed to take place; another worker passed away today from injuries suffered during the accident. [ET]
• Lady GaGa has been dumped by gentleman friend Speedy after a photo of Ms. GaGa snuggling up to another man made it in to The Sun. [E!]
• Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil: Officially divorced. [The Sun]
• So you know how Bethenny Frankel is getting her own show on Bravo, Skinny & The City? Turns out there's already a website called skinnyandthecity.com, and the founder, Tanya Zuckerbrot, is in talks with attorneys. Obviously. [Gatecrasher]
• Robert Pattinson and some buddies drank and ate a whole bunch at a restaurant in New York, and then only tipped $50, which was under 15%. But, the waitress says, they were "very nice and friendly." Work that magic, sparkle vamp! [E!]
• Mischa Barton, who was placed on psychiatric hold at an L.A. hospital last night, is "dealing with a lot of personal issues," says a source. [People]
• Mischa Barton was supposed to take part in a WWD photoshoot for her new show, The Beautiful Life, yesterday. Executive producer Karey Burke told the paper: "She is sick. She has to get well so that she can be healthy in order to start actual production next week." [WWD]
• Here we go, you knew this was coming: "Drugs, alcohol and out-of-control partying have been a central part of rehab-graduate Mischa Barton's life for at least two years." And a source says she went to a Cold War Kids show in February and "She tried to hook up with the lead singer but was turned down and ended up coming on to the drummer. She was a mess." [RadarOnline]
• "Judd Apatow's new movie, Funny People, is a two-hour-and-20-minute film about a comedian with a deadly illness. It was shot by the cinematographer who did Schindler's List.… [The movie] is a risky departure from the comedic formula that Mr. Apatow first employed in 2005 with The 40-Year-Old Virgin and refined with 2007's summer hit Knocked Up." [WSJ]
• Jack McBrayer, who plays Kenneth The Page on 30 Rock, got his very first Emmy nomination! He says his character's relationship with Alec Baldwin's character Jack Donaghy is key: "I could not be more honored to work with him. I swear to God. [Laughs.] First season we were all scared to death of him." [E!]
• Behold: A book containing a collection of images and poems; "trees and the memory of trees, ghosts, words, nights, days, lives, deaths, and safe haven for them all…" "If you daren't enter the forest, or cannot find it, then perhaps you might find one tree, or a place where a tree could be, and just stop for a quiet moment to see what happens." The book's author? Viggo Mortensen. [Perceval Press]
• Orlando Bloom was back in L.A. yesterday to check on his home, which was broken into earlier this week. When pestered on video, he says, "Worse things have happened, it's really not a story." [TMZ]
• Debbie Rowe is suing a woman for allegedly fueling reports that Rowe is willing to surrender her custody rights over her two children with Michael Jackson for millions of dollars. [ET, TMZ]
• Pepsi responds to the recently released footage of Michael Jackson being burned while filming a Pepsi commercial: "We don't know how the footage became available. Twenty-five years later, we'd question why anyone would want to share such frightening images," says Pepsi spokeswoman Nicole Bradley. [Rolling Stone]
• A fire captain who was at the Pepsi commercial filming blames the director, whom he overheard tell Michael: "Stand [under the sparks] longer, you'll look more majestic." [TMZ]
• Katherine Jackson is finally grieving: "She's been crying a lot. Her eyes are constantly red. She can't believe Michael is gone." [People]
• The LAPD has already been treating Michael Jackson's death as a homicide; now the probe is being called a criminal investigation. [TMZ]
• The L.A. County Coroner's office needs another two weeks before it releases the Michael Jackson autopsy report; several outside consultants have not finished their reports, and all tests results are not in. The coroner will not release partial results. [TMZ]
• Okay, this report is insane. Paul Gohranson, the former gay lover of Dr. Arnold Klein, claims that Michael Jackson's father "beat him sterile." Gohranson says: "I asked Arnold why couldn't Michael Jackson use his own sperm and he said Michael was unable to produce kids, physically. Arnold told me of two occasions that Michael Jackson said he was hit in his private area… Joe said something like: 'You're a sissy and if you're a sissy then you don't need balls' and proceeded to hit him…" There's more. [The Sun]
• Tito Jackson says Michael was "so quick" that father Joe couldn't catch him, when Joe wanted to beat Michael with the belt. But you know, siblings remember things differently. [NY Times]
• Warren Beatty doesn't want cameras at his deposition in a dispute with the Tribune Co. over the rights to cartoon detective Dick Tracy. [AP]
• A man threw a bicycle into the path of James Caviezel while he was riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle, and Caviezel suffered cuts and bruises. According to a state trooper, the man may have have thrown the bike due to "mental issues." [Mirror]
• "Jackie Bissett's Death in Love role inspired by her cat." [LA Times]
• "After two kids, you're outnumbered. So once you cross having three, having four is not such a big deal." — Taylor Hanson, on the arrival of his newest child, Viggo Moriah Hanson. [People]
• "I've been heartbroken before, and I didn't want to make light of it. As much as the movie does find humor in it, I don't think the laughs have to be shallow." — Joseph Gordon-Levitt, on new film 500 Days Of Summer. [LA Times]
• "I grew up around a lot of boys, so I'm not bothered at all. But the boys seem to be cutting back and were pretty tame on Funny People. On Knocked Up, all of them, especially Jonah [Hill] and Jason [Segel], were all about these dirty porn sites I didn't even know existed. Now they have girlfriends and talk more about thread counts and where to get a good duvet cover. Next? Basically, I just want to do a movie where I'm surrounded by women." — Leslie Mann, who is married to Judd Apatow and appears in his movies. [WSJ]
• "I'm in New York right now filming and I'm in heaven. I can't always say that about movies, but to be filming this romantic comedy with Jennifer and a story that made my side split when I read it - I'm lucky. I'm happy as a pig in shit, as they say." — Gerard Butler. [Daily Mail]
• "Where will Blanket be in ten years? Hopefully, upgraded to Quilt." — Tina Fey's Twitter. [NY Daily News]

• Forbes compiled a list of high-earning celebrities under 30, and Beyoncé is at number one: She brought home an estimated $87 million over the last year, which buys a lot of leotards. [Mirror]

• Lindsay Lohan turned down a role in The Hangover, because she said the screenplay "had no potential." Or maybe she didn't want to play a hooker with a heart of gold in a sorta sexist movie? [Page Six]
• A Facebook movie? Starring Shia LaBeouf as Mark Zuckerberg? Ok. [Gatecrasher]
• Did the Black Eyed Peas bite a track from musician Adam Freeland? [The Daily Swarm]
• Sharon Stone's rep says Sharon Stone did not have "air rage" and was not detained by police at the airport, but she was yelled at by a flight attendant. [Independent]
• Sarah Jessica Parker's new show, which will be like Project Runway, but for artists, has begun casting. According to this piece: 'Part of me was worried it would look too mercenary for certain artists,' she says. 'They might find it objectionable to use TV to talk about what they do.' The show might, she says, end up being 'more about people who feel comfortable with something risky,' by which she means the medium of TV itself. And yet, of course, the artwork created on the show can't be too risky, as it needs to be presentable to a prime-time audience." [mediabistro.com]
• Daniel Radcliffe injured! While filming Half-Blood Prince. He's fine. In fact, he says: "It was great actually, it was brilliant. "I was doing this scene where I fight a giant snake and, being the hi-tech, multi-million production that we are, the snake was being played by our stunt co-ordinator holding a long pole with a boxing glove tied to the end with gaffer tape. On the last take before lunch he really planted the front foot. I was fending it off with a chair and was caught unawares. The chair went flying into my top lip. To be honest, it was brilliant because I saw the playback later and I go down like a bloody boxer." [Telegraph via Esquire]
• Daniel Radcliffe: "I've been out with a couple of women who have been older than me. I think it's the maturity thing more than anything else, but that was when I was younger – girls my age are now mature, so it's great. I've widened the field!" [People]
• Guess what millions of users were doing on the web yesterday? Watching Michael Jackson's memorial, which drew huge traffic. (Although not as much as the Presidential inauguration in January.)[MediwWeek]
• Since the memorial is costing L.A. between $1.5 million and $4 million, the city has set up a website where people can make donations to help pay the bill for police and other public servants. [USA Today]
• "Jackson Memorial Made Fans Into Family: At memorial, the Jackson family invited a stadium of people into their lives." Also: What do the yellow ties and flowers mean? [MSNBC Scoop]
• Dionne Warwick on the Michael Jackson memorial: "He would've loved it. He would've loved it." [CNN]
• Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee promised a House resolution that would forever honor Michael Jackson, but such a resolution will likely face opposition in the House. [AP]
• CNN is now reporting "details" about Michael Jackson's body from a "source" — and the information — he was covered in needle marks; he was bald — sound just like the stuff The Sun printed, which turned out to be untrue. [CNN]
• The Austrian ambassador to the UK is urging people to protest Brüno, since it mocks his country, Nazis and... Josef Fritzl. [The Sun]
• Has the ending of Brüno been cut and changed? [Sydney Morning Herald]
• The Latoya Jackson scene — in which Sacha Baron Cohen's character tries to get Michael Jackson's phone number — has definitely been cut from Brüno. [Mirror]
• The last season of Lost: Producer Damon Lindelof says, "anything goes." [EW]
• Spotted: Mary J. Blige doing the Moonwalk. Wish there was video. [Page Six]
  
• If your dream is to see Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt dressed up as Sid and Nancy — where Joey is Nancy — your dream has come true. [ONTD, Cinemash]
• Roman Polanski's lawyers are still appealing for his decades-old case to be thrown out. [Mirror]
• Hamptons gossip: People drank champagne, Jon Bon Jovi sang, Nick Stahl fell asleep in the pantry! [NY Observer]
• Jodie Foster hearts surfing. [Page Six]
• Um, the Saturday Night Live skit "MacGruber" is going to be a movie. With Ryan Phillippe and Val Kilmer in negotiations to star alongside Will Forte and Kristen Wiig. Will the whole film be shot in a control room? [The Hollywood Reporter, Variety]
• 30 Rock episodes on Comedy Central? [Variety]
• Chitty Chitty Bang Bang banned from parade! [Daily Mail]
• Whatshisname wants to move to Australia after his divorce from Whatshername. [The Sun]
• Blind item! "Which musically inclined young celeb has been dubbed - behind his back, of course - 'Lip Gloss' because he always puts it on before hitting a red carpet?" [Gatecrasher]
• "You don't have to pay for it, and it's unconditional. It's hard when you get cut off the road in traffic, but it's what I try to practice." — Taraji P. Henson, who is pro-love. [Gatecrasher]
• "Not smoking is a neverending struggle. You put a cigarette to your mouth, you light it, and you know that you're hurting yourself. I did it at least 10 times a day and my throat hurt, my voice was gone, but I still was attracted to it. It's the same thing as dating someone who's not great for you, or staying up all night before you have something really important to do the next day. It's something that we all do, and I'm not exactly clear as to why we do it." — Maggie Gyllenhaal. [Mirror]
• "The death scene, to me, was quite a difficult scene to film just because I have never in my own life, up until quite recently, never been bereaved. You can never imagine what that's like so you sort of feel like a bit of a phony when you're acting it out, but hopefully I did OK in the end." — Daniel Radcliffe. [Mirror]
• "I am not trying to get back with the Countess in any way, as your spies suggested. We will remain friends and take care of our children." — Count Alex de Lesseps. [Page Six]
• "Weight doesnt matter. At the end of the day everybody has a different standard for what turns them on. There are probably tons of men out there that find thick librarians smokin hottt! LOL. The way i dress represents who i am and i think everyone should just dress in whatever makes them feel good. And just for good measure, Wilkinson added, "And while im totally flattered u like the way i look and dress...i just hope u dont make other women feel like they have to wear a 'cloak' if they dont look like a Playmate!" — Kendra Wilkinson, in response to blog What Would Tyler Durden Do, which used a picture of her to write: "If a girl is built like Kendra, she should dress exactly like Kendra. Every day, all the time...If the girl isn't built like Kendra, um…I don't know. I guess maybe an invisibility cloak or something. What's the point to even being a girl if you're not gonna look like Kendra?" [Celebuzz]

• Christian Bale looks dirty and hot on the cover of the new EW! Inside, he talks about that infamous rant that was so popular it got turned into a dance remix:

''I don't care to go into details because, you know what, I don't believe in making excuses,'' he says. ''It doesn't matter. It was unacceptable. I went too far. And I learned from it.'' He continues: "I was surprised at myself hearing it back. These things happen, and you don't realize how long you're going in the heat of the moment. I would just say: inexcusable, my fault, yes, I did it, no excuses." As for apologizing on the radio, he did so because: "I was being told how it had gone like wildfire, and I was worried that it could completely overwhelm the movie itself. There's so much hard work that's gone into this. We had 77 days of smooth running and four minutes of me just going way too far - and that shouldn't characterize the making of the movie. My concern was that people would unfairly judge the movie based on my bad behavior." More at the link! [EW]

• Uh-oh: Gerard Butler has been charged with misdemeanor battery after a "run-in" with a paparazzo on October 7. He's not required to appear in court. [USA Today]
• Natalie Portman is still seeing Sean Penn, and just bought a gothic mansion in L.A. What does it mean? [Page Six]
• The uncle and grandmother of the little girl Madonna was trying to adopt are seeking legal action against the man who claims he is the child's father. [Mirror]
• Terry Gilliam is hoping Heath Ledger will will a second posthumous Oscar for his film, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. [NY Mag]
• Christian Bale says his daughter will not be an actress: "Amateur is absolutely fine, but no way professionally. I've seen the way that unfortunately some kids are unhappy in those situations. There's no way I'd put my daughter through that." [Daily Mail]
• Ben Stiller, his wife Christine Taylor and Ricky Gervais toured the White House yesterday. President Obama was in New Mexico. [Reuters]
• Oprah now has 1 million followers on Twitter. Are you one of them? [Business Insider]
• It seems that Britney's dad punched Sam Lutfi in the chest at some point last year, but he was "provoked" and trying to "protect" Brit. [TMZ]
• Of course TMZ has screen shots from the surveillance video of the attempted break-in at Lindsay Lohan's house. If you want to see a Dodge Magnum station wagon and two guys doing something shady, go ahead and click. [TMZ]
• "Lindsay Lohan finally lands another acting gig - but can she behave on set?" [NY Daily News]
• Will Pink and Carey Hart have another wedding, even though they never really got divorced? "I love a party," Pink tells Ellen. [People]
• Magician Criss Angel is an alleged cat thief. [Page Six]
• Kelly Osbourne has written a book! "It's more of a self-help book for young women, the 13 major things that will happen to you before you turn 21 and what I did - most of them not right - and my advice and what I would have done differently." [Mirror]
• This was in Midweek Madness, but here it is again: Ashlee Simpson is pregnant with her second child. [PopCrunch]
• Guess who is getting a role in a West End musical, thanks to Andrew Lloyd Webber? Ms. Susan Boyle. [Telegraph]
• Why did Shanna Moakler resign from the Miss California USA Organization? "The turning point for me, I guess, was when I was watching the Today show and [Carrie Prejean] was sitting there continuing to lie. And it's obvious to everybody that the lying is still going on. I just couldn't stand behind her." [Yahoo News via E!]
• Do what you must to prepare yourself: Coming in 2011? Bridget Jones The Musical. [Daily Mail]
• Jane Krakowski wants Barack Obama to be on 30 Rock: "We've had Steve Martin. We've had Oprah. We've had Jerry Seinfeld. We've had all these great musical greats. Let's just go for the big guns now." [E!]
• Speaking of 30 Rock, Judah Friedlander and Alec Baldwin are both working on interesting side projects. [NY Times]
• Last week's "Motherlover" video Andy Samberg made with Justin Timberlake wasn't finished until 3 a.m. Saturday — hours before it would air. Samberg hopes to make a video with host Will Ferrell this week! [USA Today]
• What's this? More Scrubs? With Zach Braff and Sarah Chalke signing on? [E!]
• Ew: "Desperate Jordan has sent hubby Peter Andre a string of begging text messages pleading: 'If you let me come back I'll be like a wild animal in bed again.'" [The Sun]
• Eighteen years after winning an Oscar in Silence Of The Lambs, Sir Anthony Hopkins will play Hannibal Lecter again. Will Cate Blanchett play the FBI agent? [Daily Express]
• The Jonas Brothers have postponed shows in Mexico because of the swine flu. [Reuters]
• This article has interesting details about Steven Soderbergh's new film, The Girlfriend Experience; some scenes were improvised: "For instance, a scene where Mr. Santos's character interviews for a job at a gym was done in a single take. Mr. Soderbergh says he simply set up two cameras and instructed Mr. Santos and the gym's actual manager to do a mock interview. 'I just said, 'try and get a job from this guy. See if you can convince him to give you a job.' The exchange lasted about eight minutes, and was edited down to a one minute scene in the final version of the film. 'My experience has been, the more takes you do, the worse it gets,' says Mr. Soderbergh." [WSJ]
• California health regulators have fined the hospital where employees snooped in the medical records of Nadya Suleman, to the tune of $250,000. [LA Times]
• Erin Lucas, who is Whitney Port's BFF on The City, is talking shit about Kristin Cavallari, new star of The Hills. Lauren is such a genuine girl. She wears her heart on her sleeve, and she was real with the whole thing. I don't think Kristin is on that level. Wasn't Kristin like all gung-ho about being an actress? I mean, I read interviews last week, for that matter, where she's quoted making fun of the show and trashing it and saying she would never be a part of it. So to go from trashing a show, to go on and replace the girl you fucked over in high school…I don't see it going anywhere pretty." And who are you again? [E!]
• Lyrics from Peaches (not Geldof — electro Peaches!): "I drink a whiskey neat/You lick my crow's feet/Coming up to see me like I was Mae West/less like Tina/but I'm simply the best/Call me Robyn Cradel/baby baby be my guest." In this interview, she says: "I'm going to make aging cool." [NY Daily News]
• Holly Madison will replace Kelly Monaco in the "sultry" Las Vegas revue, Peepshow, which Mel B. also appears in. Although there are topless dancers in the show, neither Mel nor Holly will be barechested. [People]
• "Why George Harrison begged one young fan to stop throwing Jelly Babies at The Beatles." [Daily Mail]
• Farrah Fawcett loves Van Morrison, so the musician filmed his recent shows so he could give copies to Fawcett to watch while she's home in bed, fighting cancer. [E!]
• "Farrah's Story is as much about becoming aware of our own mortality as it is seeing a cultural icon fight the disease." [MSNBC]
• Even though they have been together for nearly 20 years, Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett never got married, but he says he would do it now: "She's still a little bit hesitant. I'm working though, I'm working." [Mirror]
• Ryan O'Neal says of Farrah: "I kind of wish that she would go to sleep, just go to sleep. It's not my right, but I just don't see how she could be happy." [NY Daily News]
• Candy Spelling has known Farrah Fawcett for over 30 years — Aaron Spelling produced Charlie's Angels — and Candy says of Farrah Fawcett's cancer: "When I first heard, I don't know if it was a year or two years ago when we first heard, and I contacted her. I hadn't talked to her in a while. She said, 'I'm going to be alright, Candy. Everything is going to be all right.'" [CNN]
• Anna Friel of Pushing Daisies will play Holly Golightly in a new stage adaptation of Breakfast At Tiffany's in London. [Variety]
• Blind item! "Which troubled young starlet was caught doing lines with her new bestie at a hot NYC club?" [Gatecrasher]
• "I probably haven't worn my heart on my sleeve like this since the second Cranberries album." — Dolores O'Riordan. [USA Today]
• "I wasn't intending to do a popular television series. I was intending to do film and theatre. I got waylaid a little. Since that's over, I've got back to doing what I originally intended to do." — Gillian Anderson, whom you may know as Dana Scully, but who is starring in A Doll's House on the stage in London. [Daily Express]
• "I really believe on a daily basis that there's a line of communication between me and my dogs which we haven't defined yet. I really talk to them. And I also talk to my guinea pig, Mr James, every single morning. I sit and watch him on that wheel every day, trying to answer the question that is: 'Do they do it for exercise? Or do they think they're going to reach a destination?' Because that's a terrible metaphor for all of us. Because that's all life is perhaps? Nobody is gonna tell you the truth like I do." — Dustin Hoffman. [Independent]
• "I think Dan Brown is a terribly bad writer, but he has cliffhangers after every chapter which makes you continue reading. It's like eating peanuts at a bar. You don't like them, but you keep on eating them anyway." — Stellan Skarsgard, who only took a park in Angels & Demons because the script was different from the book. [Newser via AP]
• "To me, 10 o'clock is like the new 11:30. I hear more and more people, even young people, say 'I can't stay up past 11. I car pool, I gotta get up at 6.'" — Jay Leno. [CNN]
• "He always had the most ridiculous fashion. When it came to hairstyles he would have blow-dried hair like the Bay City rollers, then an awful perm. When he was 14 he tried to grow a moustache." — Simon Cowell's brother Nicholas. [The Sun]
• "Her boyfriend Tony Romo is one of my favourite quarterbacks. So I felt kinda conflicted doing the Jessica thing. Jessica got fat. I mean, not really fat, but she certainly got fat for, well, Jessica Simpson. I've always wanted people to be able to look at each video and go 'oh remember what was going on at that moment.' You know what I mean? 'Oh, that's when Jessica Simpson got fat, oh OK.' And even if she gets thin again, that's fine. Just for that moment in time, she was fat." — Eminem. [Mirror]
• "People were telling me, 'Christian, you're too good for Terminator.' And I'm thinking, I'm too good? I'm not a snob. I really fucking enjoy watching a good action movie. Who do you think I am?!'' — Christian Bale. [EW]
• "Being a mom makes me feel whole and like I understand the meaning of life." — Rebecca Romijn, to In Style. [People]

• Kiefer Sutherland surrendered to police yesterday for headbutting designer Jack McCollough. He was arrested and charged with a third-degree assault charge. He was photographed and fingerprinted. Then he left. [People]

• This report says Kiefer was not arrested, but received a desk ticket. [TMZ]
• This report says Kiefer was arrested but not jailed and should have a court date in the next few weeks. [Reuters]
• Kiefer looks handsome in spectacles! [Gothamist]
• This paper claims Kiefer Sutherland "strolled" into the police station, "as cool in a crisis as his 24 alter ego." [NY Daily News]
• And! This says Kiefer "meekly" surrendered to cops. [NY Post]
• Uh-oh. Anna Wintour is fucking pissed that the biggest story from the Met ball is Kiefer's headbutt. A source says: "Anna is furious that the Met Gala got upstaged by Kiefer doing something stupid at an after-party that wasn't even part of her event. Now that's all anyone is talking about, not her party. And she is so genuinely fond of Jack, she has supported him and Lazaro for years, she really feels they are part of the future of American fashion. So she's doubly annoyed." DOUBLY ANNOYED. This will not end well. [NY Mag]
• Brooke Shields has told friends that she was indeed "jostled" by Jack McCollough at the Met Gala, but it was "no big deal" and had more to do with her 6-inch heels and a dark and crowded room. In any case, maybe Kiefer thought Jack pushed her?!?! [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan has been taking her 15-year-old sister to parties and a source says: "Dina took Ali out of school and now all she does is hang out with Lindsay — who is back to drinking and partying hard. Ali is now wearing really skimpy outfits, and it's just sad. No one is in control. Where are children's services? Where is Dina?" Is this "source" Michael Lohan??? [Page Six]
• Rihanna had planned to wear thigh high lace-up Louis Vuitton boots to the Met Gala, but Madonna wanted to wear them and "and insisted that nobody else could be seen or photographed in them." Rihanna was fine with it. [Page Six]
• Amy Winehouse will play the St. Lucia jazz festival tonight, she says, "It also is an honour for me to appear on the same bill as great singers such as Chaka Khan and Patti LaBelle as well great jazz musicians like Monty Alexander and George Duke." And! She loves St. Lucia! "Since I first came to the island, I have been greeted with nothing but kindness and friendship, as well as incredible music and the most beautiful of settings. I have made friends for life and have been inspired by my surroundings. The laid-back lifestyle definitely suits me, it's a home from home with great beaches." Is it too late to catch a flight? [Mirror]
• Paula Abdul has something to say! "I want to make it perfectly clear to everyone that I have never been addicted to or abused drugs in my life," she says. "I have never been drunk." Wait, what?!?!? "I have never entered a rehab or detox treatment center. I spent time hiking, bicycling, doing yoga and enjoying the spa. As anyone who has visited the La Costa Resort knows, it is a luxury hotel, not a rehab facility." Oh. Hmm. But did you tell Ladies Home Journal you went there to kick your pill habit?!?! [E!]
• Megan Fox has something to say! "If you know how to take control of [being a sex symbol], then it can be powerful. But I have no idea how to handle it yet, how to deal with it. I don't want to have to be like a Scarlett Johansson — who I have nothing against — but I don't want to have to go on talk shows and pull out every single SAT word I've every learned to prove, like, 'Take me seriously, I am intelligent, I can speak.' I don't want to have to do that. I resent having to prove that I'm not a retard – but I do. And part of it is my own fault." [People]
• Jon Favreau used his Twitter account to describe Scarlett Johansson's first day in her Black Widow outfit on the set of Iron Man 2: "Scarlett's first day on set in the Black Widow outfit… You've never heard a crew get so quiet so fast." [Mirror]
• Five months after Jennifer Hudson's dude David Otunga proposed to her; she proposed right back with a "architectural and geometric" platinum and diamond men's ring. [People]
• Jennifer Aniston is acting in The Baster — the comedy about a woman whose best friend (Jason Bateman) secretly fathers her child when he swaps her intended artificial insemination sample with his own — and she is also the executive producer. She says of doing double duty: "I'm just exhausted." [USA Today]
• A judge is placing Roman Polanski's case on hold — not throwing it out; the judge said that because "Mr. Polanski doesn't intend to submit himself to the jurisdiction of the court," his motion for dismissal would be denied. [AP]
• Sparkly vampire and same-sex scene god Robert Pattinson has hit No. 1 on USA Today's high scientific Celebrity Heat Index, which measures media exposure. Some schmuck named Brad Pitt is No. 2. [USA Today]
• Sarah Jessica Parker has joined the board of the New York City Ballet and will host the Spring Gala next week, where Samantha Ronson will DJ. [Page Six]
• Again with this story: Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate is a "bisexual tattooed rocker." And? [The Star]
• The pastor of Miss California Carrie Prejean would like all you haters to leave her alone. "We are all sinners. Christians aren't perfect," he says. "The pictures are from when she was 17, and they do not disqualify her from being able to share her opinion." [E!]
• "Smitten" Joe Jonas is desperately seeking a "lovenest" for he and girlfriend Camilla Belle to sneak off to, since his brothers always seem to be around. He may wear a purity ring but it certainly sounds like he's thinking some perfectly natural and wonderfully impure thoughts. GET IT. [Contact Music]
• Gwyneth Paltrow is "mulling" over whether to return to the London stage in a production of Chekhov's The Three Sisters. [Daily Mail]
• Meryl Streep on 30 Rock? "I would love to do that yes," she says. "It's an amazing show." Tina Fey: Make it happen. [Mirror]
• Time does "10 Questions With JJ Abrams." I like this one: Q: What is your favorite plot twist of all time? A: The one that comes to mind is the end of Planet of the Apes, when you realize, "Oh my God, he's never getting home because that is home." I just remember seeing that as a kid and I was like, "That's it. My brain just stopped." [Time]
• Lady GaGa's breast popped out during a video shoot. A source says she laughed and said: "You better make sure you airbrush my nipples!" [Gatecrasher]
• Ouch: Sacha Baron Cohen bleached all of his body hair to play Bruno, but "shortly after having the procedure done he felt a burning sensation and it grew steadily worse. It was so severe around a certain part of his anatomy that he couldn't sit down for three days." [Telegraph]
• "Paris [Hilton]: I don't keep a diary..I Google myself." [The Sun]
• A new biography claims Patrick Swayze didn't realize he was sick until it was nearly too late. [Gatecrasher]
• Samantha Morton spent the first 16 years of her life either in care or living in foster homes; now she has a film which will air on TV in the UK — called The Unloved — about a girl who grows up in the system. [Daily Mail]
• Keanu Reeves will star in the Universal Pictures retelling of the classic tale The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, which will be titled Jekyll. [The Hollywood Reporter]
• Ooh, Marisa Tomei and Liv Tyler will star in a psychological thriller called 10A/10B, about the relationship and consequences that result when a culinary perfectionist, portrayed by Tyler, and an actress with a failing career, played by Tomei, become neighbors in a loft apartment building. [Variety]
• "Farrah Fawcett's Friends Prepare To Say Goodbye." Ryan O'Neal says she "stays in bed now" and her treatment has "pretty much ended." [MSNBC Scoop]
• Leonard Nimoy is in the new Star Trek, and now JJ Abrams has also made him a guest-star on Fringe. [USA Today]
• A promoter from Suriname admits that he scammed people into thinking they were paying $53 to see Toni Braxton, when in fact they were watching Braxton impersonator Trina Johnson-Finn sing. [USA Today]
• Lenny Kravitz will tour the UK in July and take a guitar which belonged to Jimi Hendrix with him. [Daily Express]
• Ozzy Osbourne hearts Phil Collins. [Daily Express]
• Blind item! "Which top model's hubby is hoping some sexy literature will spice up their love life? He recently gave her a graphic tome and asked what she'd be into most." [Gatecrasher]
• "She wanted marriage, she wanted children; and not that I didn't want that, but I didn't want that at that time because I had just gotten out of a marriage, I'd just had kids… Yet we're up against her biological clock — that pressure is what cracked it. Because if somebody wants a child — man, that's the greatest gift you can give to a woman — so who are you to stand there and say I don't want one. So we were at different points in our lives. We were not compatible on that issue." — Lance Armstrong, on why he broke up with Sheryl Crow. [Page Six]
• "I couldn't even pick up a girl until I had a hit song. When that happened, in a club in Argentina, I rang my five best friends and said: 'Get down here, we are all going to get laid.' It was crazy what a hit could do. But I do hide behind my clothes a bit. I am the opposite of a playboy." — Enrique Iglesias. [Daily Mail]
• "There were some locations, that by all rights we were supposed to have access to — in front of certain churches, for instance. But two or three days beforehand we were requested not to shoot there by local officials. I think that church officials gave the word to the local government that they didn't want us filming in certain places." — Ron Howard on shooting Angels & Demons. [WSJ]
• "'My weakness - if you can call it that - was drugs. I took all sorts from a fairly young age, ecstasy and LSD among them. It almost led me to a very long period in jail. I was high on drugs, on one occasion, and threatened to kill one of the older girls I was living with, who had been picking on me." — Samantha Morton. [Daily Mail]
• "It used to be Diane Keaton – she always used to tell me, 'I'm terrible, I'm awful, I can't do it, you should get someone else.' And she was always brilliant. Well, Larry is like this. I'd always been a fan. I asked him to do it, and he said, 'But I can't act! I can only do what I do, I'm not an actor, you'll be disappointed. Those are the ones who can always do it. The ones that tell you how great they are can never do it. When it came time, he did it. And not just the comedy, which I expected, but all the other things which required acting, emotions and being touching." — Woody Allen, on Larry David, who stars in Allen's film, Whatever Works. [Independent]
• "The Hanso Foundation that started the Dharma Initiative hired this guy Valenzetti to basically work on this equation to determine what was the probability of the world ending in the wake of the Cuban Missile Crisis. Valenzetti basically deduced that it was 100 percent within the next 27 years, so the Hanso Foundation started the Dharma Initiative in an effort to try to change the variables in the equation so that mankind wouldn't wipe it itself out." — Lost's Damon Lindelof, on what the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42 actually mean. [NY Mag]
• "It's real love. And we will be married forever and ever and ever. I legally changed my name to Pratt. I'm very excited. I thought about my dress for years. I knew everything I wanted. I knew I wanted a strapless, gorgeous, big, flowy, princess, fun, amazing dress, and that's what I had. I wanted it to be really classic but young and fun and fresh. I felt like a princess, and it was perfect. I was just sitting there in my dress, like, 'I am really about to marry the most amazing man, and this is such a great experience.'" — Heidi Montag. [Mirror]
• "It's so mainstream now. When you look at people who are transmitting the news to you on television they all look like they're in porn, the way they're quaffed. It's really crazy. There's this like hyper-grooming thing going on now, men and women. I was never thinking, oh, what an outré thing to do to put a porn actor in a quote-unquote normal movie. I just thought she was interesting." — Steven Soderbergh, on his new flick, The Girlfriend Experience. [WSJ]
• "Well, if I had to be addicted to something, it would be sex!" — Hayden Panettiere. [Page Six]

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are fighting again. Supposedly Angie came home from a long day of filming to find Brad relaxing with beer and DVDs while the kids were harassing the nannies.

A friend says when Angie "found Brad had apparently done nothing all day except watch DVDs, she was livid." [The Daily Mail]

• Gisele Bundchen said in an interview with Vanity Fair, "I would also love to adopt a child from Brazil. When you come from Sao Paulo, you see five-year-olds sniffing glue on the corner." She added, "You think, if you make a difference in the life of one of them, that makes your time on this earth worthwhile." [The Star]
• Madonna has confirmed that she is trying to adopt a little girl from Malawi but says she isn't trying to bend the rules to speed up the adoption. As to why she took her son David to Malawi, a spokeswoman said, "Madonna is committed to maintaining an ongoing relationship with David's Malawian roots." [The Star]
• Here's some insight into what Britney Spears sees in backup dancer Chase Benz, who she may or may not be dating. "Brit really loves the way Chase looks, and she has a thing for Southern boys with loads of charm," says a source. "She's totally into him. And being on tour again, plus having a sexy new guy to get close to, has put Brit in a great frame of mind." But don't worry that he's another K-Fed. Chase's grandmother says, "He's a true gentleman and has a big heart." He got his start in Christian music and calls Jesus "a huge part of my life" on his MySpace page. [Star]
• Like Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson's post-Hef career will involve dancing. Specifically, exotic dancing. "I'm coming out with my own stripper pole. Stripper pole, and stripper pole workout," says Kendra. "It's like Carmen Electra's, but mine is better. Mine will connect to the ceiling, and you can spin on it and do all that kind of
  stuff on it." [Hollywood Rag]
• Did Sarah Jessica Parker have her chin mole removed? (Ed: Yeah, last summer.) [Truth in Cosmetic Surgery Blog]
• Nicole Richie will debut a shoe line for House of Harlow. "Nicole is designing everything herself. She's totally devoted to this, and we're creating a whole lifestyle around her aesthetic and what is true to her," says Rick Cytrynbaum, who manufactures the line. [Star]
• Jennifer Aniston isn't making any friends on the set of The Baster. She won't eat with the rest of the cast. "Jen refused to walk even a step outside the restaurant during the break for lunch," says an insider. "She had her car pull up right next to the restaurant so she could be driven less than a block to her trailer to avoid photographers." [Ok]
• Last week on 30 Rock we learned that Liz Lemon previously pursued acting and wound up appearing in commercials for the phone sex line 1-900-OK-FACE. Now you can watch the full commercial here: [Gothamist]
• Cloris Leachman posed for PETA wearing a gown made of lettuce leaves. [Socialite Life]
• In this video when Bradley Whitford is asked if Josh Lyman is nicer than Rahm Emanuel, who the character was based on, he says, "Fuck no." Also, he's hanging out on Capitol Hill with Richard Schiff and Martin Sheen. It's an Obama/Bartlet administration crossover! [Politico]
• Andre Benjamin, a.k.a. Andre 3000 was arrested for driving 109 mph in a 65-mph zone outside Atlanta. [Socialite Life]
• Keith Urban says he and Nicole Kidman named their daughter Sunday because, "Particularly when you don't have someone in your life ... in my experience, Sunday was the loneliest day ... It went from being sort of the most dreaded day of the week for us to being the most joyous day, because we just had a family." [People]
• Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen are starring together in a British production of Waiting for Godot. Stewart said they bonded while hanging out in his trailer on the set of X-Men. He explains: "We were working thousands of miles from home with an exotic cast of international actors on movies that were costing tens of millions of dollars to make. I think we found a little haven in those trailer conversations and late-night dinners. And for me it was especially delightful because I was probably aware of Ian long before he was aware of me, because I had been a fan. It was a way of finding out what he thought of what we did. Mainly, we would laugh a great deal." [The Telegraph]
• Alex McCord of The Real Housewives of New York City is blogging about how she's spending her free time now that she's been laid off. She says: "I'm enjoying a marginally less hectic schedule. I'm having lunch with people whom I've wanted to for a year. I'm really loving school drop off without having to throw the kids in the door and blast away at Mach 2, although in the afternoon it's a bit hard to write emails to colleagues when Johan turns up with a dripping red paintbrush wanting to know if he can decorate my monitor. I've taken the time to read the insane Real Housewives episode recaps on Gawker and wonder what would happen if Richard were tied to Maureen Dowd and left in a small room." [NY Magazine]

Fey also talked about how you know when you're a mom: When you accept someone else's boogers, for instance, or try to put "underpants on someone who is dancing." Clip at left.

"I have had to take certain precautions," Hamm quipped. So what does he do to "protect" us mere mortals from his sheer perfection? "I try to wear the darkest sunglasses I can," Hamm said. Whether he's responsible for the crash of US Airways Flight 1549 into the Hudson River, he can neither confirm nor deny. Clip at left.