Let's Help Newt Gingrich Find a New Terrible Hype Song

Shouting penis Newt Gingrich has been ordered to stop playing Eye of the Tiger at campaign rallies on account of the fact that he doesn't have permission to deploy it in public. But with the Florida primaries already underway, what's he supposed to play instead? Let's mine the cheesiest depths of Jock Jams and find… »1/31/12 12:40pm1/31/12 12:40pm


Rick Santorum's Calls 3-Year-Old Daughter's Recovery 'Miraculous'

Former Senator Rick Santorum cancelled his Presidential campaign stops in Florida yesterday after his 3-year-old daughter Bella was hospitalized with pneumonia. Now, he's saying that he may return to the campaign trail after Bella's prognosis suddenly started looking more positive. She may even be able to check out of… »1/30/12 12:35pm1/30/12 12:35pm

Bachmann Drops Out of Presidential Race, Will Focus More on Being a Jerk in Congress

Right-wing caricature Michele Bachmann received a whopping 6,000 votes in last night's Iowa caucuses, which put her solidly in third-to-last place, in front of a guy who didn't even campaign in the state, and "other." Discouraged by this insurmountable setback, she'll be suspending her campaign, saying, "I have… »1/04/12 11:10am1/04/12 11:10am

Herman Cain's Rich, His Accusers Are Poor. Does it Matter?

Sharon Bialek, the first woman to publicly accuse Herman Cain of sexual impropriety, was served eviction papers yesterday. Cain supporters are crowing that this is yet another testament to her lack of credibility, as someone desperate for money would be willing to falsely smear a man in power in hopes that her payday… »12/01/11 5:45pm12/01/11 5:45pm

Michele Bachmann Would Protect Gay People By Doing Nothing

Michele Bachmann's still touring the country with her wildly popular performance art piece she calls "Paranoid Funadmentalist Conspiracy Theorist Magnetic Poetry Runs For President." In this stop along her campaign trail, the Minnesota Congresswoman landed in what looks like a rural Iowa nursing home multipurpose… »12/01/11 3:50pm12/01/11 3:50pm

The Liberal Media Conspiracy Is Repressing Michele Bachmann, Says Michele Bachmann

On Saturday, Republican Presidential hopefuls reconvened to debate foreign policy and tell America that they're the least-bad choice to lead the free world. America's Foremost Expert on Question Avoiding Michele Bachmann claims that she wasn't given enough questions during the debate, and that this was a planned… »11/14/11 11:35am11/14/11 11:35am

How in the World is Herman Cain Still in First Place?

Despite having terrible ideas, insisting that a huge anti businessman conspiracy machine is attempting to keep him out of Washington, and facing an entire basketball team's worth of sexual harassment allegations, a new poll has found that if Republican voters had to choose a Presidential candidate today, they'd still… »11/11/11 10:50am11/11/11 10:50am