• Lindsay Lohan accidentally ruined a cake at a Victoria's Secret party, as she thought the cake was actually a giant perfume bottle. "She accidentally poked a hole right in the middle of it." says a source. Team Pie shenanigans! [PageSix]

• Meanwhile, Michael Lohan is furious that the judge at Lindsay's recent probation hearing didn't order his daughter to go to rehab: "She needs to put my daughter in rehab," Lohan says, "How could that judge have let her just walk in to court and walk right back out? The least they could have done was give her a drug test at the door." [RadarOnline]
• Dina Lohan however, just used her Oh Snap Flowchart on Michael, releasing this statement: "Michael Lohan needs to focus on being a parent, paying child support, of which he is six months behind, and making up for all the years he was an absentee dad," Dina says, "And stop going on national television talking about his children publicly."
  Lindsay, meanwhile, is reportedly considering taking a restraining order out against her father. [People]
• Mickey Rourke allegedly is "fascinated with the Mafia" and once "created his own crew in a "male-bonding ceremony" in Los Angeles with 13 friends who swore allegiance to one another." [PageSix]
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper were spotted together in Vancouver, and according to DJ Leanne who dined at the same restaurant as the couple, ""Renée was very happy. She was laughing, smiling. They were very cute. They were definitely having a good time and seemed happy." [People]
• Stephanie Santoro, former nanny to the Gosselins (who also claims she hooked up with Jon), says that the Gosselin kids love filming Jon and Kate Plus 8, and that Jon Gosselin is on a monstrous power trip right now. All he does want out of everything is control. He wants to be in control of everything in his life," she said, "including Kate." [LATimes]
• "I was pretty upset. I don't like to think of him sitting in a prison cell. But I wouldn't comment upon it because it's a very complicated issue, you know? It seems odd. He's been living in Switzerland for years and I've visited him there, so this is all very strange."- Ewan McGregor on Roman Polanski [LATimes]
• Kiera Knightley, Amy Winehouse, and Nicole Kidman all all being considered to play Dusty Springfield in an upcoming biopic. [DailyExpress]
• "I don't see it as being from a misogynistic point of view. On the contrary, I don't find any hatred there. For me, the woman character was him. I felt I was playing him. The vulnerability of that woman is Lars."-Charlotte Gainsbourg on her role in the controversial film, Antichrist. [LATimes]
• "It's funny, because I haven't had one ounce of Botox or any of that. I finally got gray hairs in the past couple years, and I wore it on ER, but they made me cover it up in this show. I don't want to be one of those weird-looking guys who gets old but stays looking young."-John Stamos on his youthful appearance [TheAdvocate]
• "I'm old. It's an interesting thing to watch yourself grow older on screen. I was watching Up In The Air and I thought, 'Jesus, who's the old gray-haired guy?' And it was me. I never wear makeup for movies and now it's starting to show."- George Clooney [Telegraph]
• Busta Rhymes has been ordered to pay $75,000 to a man he assaulted in 2003. [UPI]
• Jermaine Jackson's ex-wife, Alejandra Jackson, claims that Jermaine owes $35,550 in court-ordered child support. [TMZ]
• Kim Kardashian's was robbed last night; the robber made off with several pieces of jewelry, including a Cartier watch. [TheSun]
• Megan Fox was crowned "Best Sci-Fi Actress" at the Spike TV Scream Awards last night. [DailyMail]
• "Most of my humor is how totally ridiculous I am. I can find endlessly funny things about me or our life. The grand statement followed upon stepping in the pile of poo."- Ted Danson [LATimes]
• Real Housewives' star Bethenny Frankel is engaged to boyfriend Jason Hoppy. "It feels great, because I'm with the right person," Frankel says. [People]
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are rolling their eyes at this right now, according to a source who says the pair "never used to pay attention to what was being written about them in the media but in recent weeks, they've become fascinated by it. They're obsessed with Googling themselves to find out what the bloggers and fans are saying about them. They find all the rumors hilarious!" [ShowbizSpy]
• Madonna is currently being sued by neighbors in her Central Park apartment building, who claim Madonna is using the space to rehearse and subjecting them all to "blaring music, stomping and shaking walls," for three hours a day. [Mirror]
• Are Madonna and Guy Richie getting back together? A source says maybe possibly who knows: "The pair of them have huge egos so, rather than speaking directly to one another, they are using friends to relay information. The truth is both Guy and Madonna are becoming more and more open in their admissions that in many ways they regret getting divorced." [ShowbizSpy]
• "When I'm singing in the studio, I have an image in my mind of sitting at a table with somebody and they're sitting right across from me and I'm telling them something," he says. "There's a lot of music and a lot of people out there who can tell you how they feel, but if you can tell somebody how they feel and they didn't realize it until you told them, then you've got something." -Tim McGraw [WashingtonPost]
• Hugh Jackman's people are reportedly pushing the actor to turn down a second stint hosting the Oscars, as "he's a movie star, not a song and dance man." [DeadlineHollywood]
• Sting's wife, Trudie Styler calls him "Pookie," because, as Sting explains, "Pookie means magic mushroom. It's because we used to take so many when we were younger." [TheSun]

Of course, it's probably a little more complex than that. In the world that is food porn, sure, there are the carnivorous bears, the svelte sex kittens (Giada, Nigella), the asexual "moms" (Paula and Ina) and, of course, the Bad Boys (Anthony Bourdain, sometimes Mario and, it must be said, Flay.) All of these satisfy a different fantasy: comforting, aspirational, exciting.

It's not a shocker that the dude shows should get a "manly" host - Guy Fieri as resident carnivore is a believable and relatable eater, after all. Even Alton Brown takes cooking into the realm of scientific rather than aspirational in a way that seems, if not designed to appeal to, at least made not to alienate a male viewership by removing the domestic. And I get the larger point he's making: at the end of the day, people want their roles in place and their pretty ladies dainty. We don't want to see someone hot eating a really gross burger (unless, I guess, that's your thing - and it's gotta be someone's), and hypocritical society that we arem we probably don't want to see someone larger do so - Ina and Paula don't exactly tuck into their buttery concoctions on camera - which leaves, yes, the everydude.

But while I defer to Meatpaper's Chris Ying on most things fleshy, there are a couple of flaws with the argument. 1. Bourdain. The man eats insects and whale and fermented maggot - and say what one will, he's not unattractive. Indeed, "dashing" would be a better word. 2. Sandra Lee. Maybe the author's argument is confined to men, but Lee, whatever one may think of her aesthetic, checks all the boxes for conventional American attractiveness and, bar none, makes the weirdest and grossest food on television. Nauseous combinations of mixes and sodas, spice and jelly - all topped off by a lurid-colored original cocktail and served amidst a tablescape that feels like a bad trip on the Wonkatania.

Meatpaper
Unattractive Men Call For Unattractive Meat [Utne]

• Is Ashley Olsen getting married? The National Enquirer thinks so. It'll happen on the French Riviera next summer; she wants Karl Lagerfeld to make the dress and Annie Leibovitz to take the pix. Oh, the hubs-to-be is boyfriend Justin Bartha. [Daily Express]
• Ryan Reynolds ran the NYC marathon! His time? 3 hours and 50 minutes, faster than he anticipated. "It was an incredible experience," he says. He was asked how he'd celebrate and claimed: "I'll probably celebrate by eating my own body weight in raw dough." [People]
• Heh, things were "frosty" between Tina Fey and John McCain on Saturday Night Live. [MSNBC]
• A "crazed" Madonna fan stormed on to the set of Guy Ritchie's new movie and threatened to kill him. The teenager had a knife and was shouting, "I love Madonna." He was arrested, though if he were cast in Guy Ritchie's movie, that would be believable. [Mirror]
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's kids went trick-or-treating in Malibu on Friday. Maddox was a Marine; Zahara was a Jolly Green Giant; Shiloh was a sheriff. Need pix!!! [Star Magazine]

• Ooh, check out Angelina's eyes on the cover of British Harper's Bazaar. [ONTD]
• The head of rap label Def Jam died Saturday: Shakir Stewart, who succeeded Jay-Z as VP in June, committed suicide. [Reuters]
• Daniel Craig talks about his arm: "I tore my shoulder when we were making Casino Royale and it started to ache during Quantum Of Solace. I went to see a surgeon and had reconstructive surgery - I had six pins put in. So now I can't really move my arm and it's a little painful, but I'm having physio every day, and it's healing well." [Daily Mail]
• Lindsay Lohan will have her deposition videotaped in Samantha Ronson's ongoing lawsuit against her former attorney. She has a lot of conditions, though, and wants the transcripts to be destroyed when the case is over. [E!]
• Lindsay was supposed to host the World Music Awards in Monaco next weekend, but she's been replaced by, um, Denise Richards. Downgrade! [Mirror]
• Simon Cowell and girlfriend Terri Seymour: Dunzo. She ended it after 6 years. Want to guess who doesn't believe in marriage? [Newser.com]
• After Terri broke up with him, Simon allegedly said "Thank God! " [Daily Mail]
• Terri wanted kids, Simon did not. [Mirror]
• Simon also says: "You know, the most incredible thing I’ve seen on TV for absolutely ages was the Sarah Palin/Joe Biden debate. I watched it for an hour and there wasn’t one second I wasn’t completely riveted. I would love to bring the concept of the American presidential debate to Britain. I know I could engage the audience, get people involved." [Daily Mail]
• Peaches Geldof walked out of a London store with an item of clothing draped over her arm and didn't pay for it. A shopkeeper ran out and confronted Peaches, who said it was an accident. Apparently this is the fourth time she's walked out of a store without paying for clothes, although it seems like she always has a good excuse. [Mirror]
• Joaquin Phoenix, who is retiring from acting, might be back on drugs: He was "out of it" at a tribute to Paul Newman last week in San Francisco. Grief-stricken, maybe? [Page Six]
• Peaches' husband's band has a new single, "She Loves Everybody," about a controlling, insecure girl who craves affection. [Mirror]
• Amy Winehouse has gained weight and is trying to stop smoking. She's still hooked on sugar, however. [Mirror]
• Oh, wait, Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital. It seems to be related to the chest infection she had last week. Or her emphysema. [People]
• A New Zealand TV journalist is being investigated and might lose her job after a "trainwreck" interview with Pink; it seems the woman's sister used to be Pink's assistant and the reporter ambushed the pop star with questions about why she'd fired her sister. [News.com.au]
• More weird New Zealand news: A pizza chain used a Halloween ad which featured skeletal animations of the Queen Mother, Sir Edmund Hillary and Heath Ledger dancing on gravestones. The company has apologized. [Times of London]
• In case you couldn't already guess, Tyra is endorsing Barack Obama. [Yahoo News]
• Usher is taking a year off from music to travel the world and find "inspiration." Good luck! [Mirror]
• Jessica Simpson's BFF, stylist Ken Paves, had his face bloodied during a paparazzi crush outside of an L.A. restaurant. There were so many cameras swarming that some guy accidentally hit Ken near his eye with a camera. Jess and Ken made it to the car, and went directly to the hospital. [TMZ]
• Bruno, aka Sacha Baron Cohen, crashed a rally banning gay marriage in California. [Yahoo New]
• There was a memorial for Jennifer Hudson's family members, including nephew Julian King, on Sunday. His second-grade teacher read from journals written by his classmates. [AP]
• Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown is renewing her vows in Egypt, but Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham doesn't plan to attend. Snubby spice? [The Sun]
• It appears to be really and truly on between Criss Angel and Holly Madison. If you have a strong stomach, gaze upon this image of them kissing. [TMZ]
• Mindy McCready is out of jail. [E!]
• Here's a video in which Senator John McCain meets Anna Nicole Smith, one of her "biggest fans." [Politico]
• Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio have Oscar buzz for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Revolutionary Road, but Oscar voters tend to like it when actors play real people. [Reuters]
• Nigella Lawson once made her kids give their Christmas gifts to charity. "I wanted them to think about how lucky they are," she explains. Hmm, could work, could make them harbor resentment. [The Sun]
• Bon Jovi's being sued for £250,000 after one of the rock group's entourage allegedly deliberately ran over a woman with a golf cart at a concert. [Telegraph]
• Viggo Mortensen is in a film adaptation of a play about about an ordinary man in 1930s Germany being slowly co-opted by the Nazis. He says the story has relevance today; "You don't need to be some kind of bookworm or political activist; little and big decisions that individuals make in society on a daily basis are what any country is." [LA Times]
• LL Cool J has been inducted into the Long Island, NY Music Hall Of Fame. Didn't know there was such a thing, but, congrats? [UPI]
• Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones have made a very important election-related video you simply must watch. [Funny Or Die]
• Is Sienna Miller's relationship with Balthazar Getty fizzling out? [Mirror, Daily Mail]
• In an op-ed about paparazzi and papers vs. celebrities — especially Sienna Miller, who's gone to court seeking damages for a "campaign of harassment" by photographers, this writer states: "We have no right to invade people's privacy, but we do have a time honoured journalistic tradition of doing so that I would hate to see disappear." [Independent]
• Kylie Minogue would love to be an actress: "I’d love to do a comedy." [The Sun]
• It's weird to think about Dakota Fanning as 14-year-old sophomore and varsity cheerleader in real life, but that is what she is. [USA Today]
• Elle UK asked Kelly Osbourne to be part of a photography portfolio celebrating friendship and love; she decided to do it with her boyfriend. "My boyfriend is my best friend," she says. "We always go shopping together, we like going to music festivals and we chat on the phone a thousand times a day." [Elle UK]
• Haven't heard about these two in a while, but Nelly says he and Ashanti are "serious." They've been on and off since 2003. [People]
• Here's a piece about how stars change shape for films. A former Royal Marine who has worked on the last five James Bond films, has also been training with Jake Gyllenhaal for Prince Of Persia. He says: "Most actors are athletes nowadays. Their fitness is a big factor in whether they get cast or not. Jake has to look like a warrior capable of sword-fighting, not like he's been hitting the gym. He is working out twice, sometimes three times a day, six days a week, for three to four months on top of stunt rehearsals before filming begins." Ready to go back to bed? [Times of London]
• Did Paris Hilton steal Benji Madden from Sophie Monk? This was 8 months ago, if you care. [News.com.au]
• Johnny Carson's former lawyer is calling the Tonight Show host a sad, depressed man who cheated on his wives and was tormented by his mother. Tears of a clown? [Page Six]
• Whoa: Mickey Rourke once planned to kill a man and then commit suicide, because the guy had raped a woman he knew. [The Sun]
• The Pet Shop Boys will be presented with an outstanding contribution to music award at next year's Brit Awards, which means Simon Cowell won't get it. What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? [BBC News, Mirror]
• The Communist Party of St. Petersburg must not have much to do, because they're pissed at "Bond girl" Olga Kurylenko for "sleeping with the West." [UPI]
• Jean-Claude Van Damme canceled promotional appearances for a film because one of his dogs is in a coma. Tragic! [Page Six]
• "Kate Winslet is always naked, sitting on a toilet, running buck-naked. She's free. I want to be the kind of actress who can really be comfortable with my body like that" — Halle Berry in Elle. [Page Six]
• "I've kept in touch with William — he's really good looking. But I prefer Harry, he's more my type." — Paris Hilton on the Princes. [Mirrror]
• "I need you to make the best sub you have ever made because it's for Snoop Dogg," A "handler" to a Subway employee in Australia. [News.com.au]
• "I've always been a slow starter. My first date was with a girl called Cessi. We had a beautiful relationship over the phone all summer and then when we met I couldn't look her in the eye." — Leonardo DiCaprio. [Guardian]
• "I don't know if seniors like me at all. I think they're a little sick of me. I think they say, 'Get off! We just want to rest.' I thought I was wonderful. Then I saw a replay. I couldn't believe I was just one, two, three, turn. I didn't have the spunk I thought I had." — Cloris Leachman, on her final Dancing With The Stars performance. [Newsweek]
• "Owen Wilson is so divine in this film. I've never seen him play a part like this. He was a man; he was a husband; he was a father. And I feel like, how brave of him, to walk through the year that he walked through." — Jennifer Aniston on her Marley And Me costar. [LA Times]
• "It's a different part of my life. I try and look back on it with fondness but when I'm reminded of it I'm really embarrassed… Honestly, I really hoped my daughter wouldn't see it, otherwise she'd never listen to a thing I say again. I thought I was the coolest guy in the world but really I was just a jackass." — Mark Wahlberg on his "Marky Mark" music career. [Telegraph]
• "If someone starts talking to me negatively about something they've never actually studied that actual text of, I don't really admire them very much because it shows they don't have much integrity, so I just kind of ignore them. I'm not going to listen to gossip and hearsay about something that's affected my life so tremendously in such a tremendously positive way. It's a new religion. Historically every new religion has been [dismissed]. People were hanged, fed to the lions for their beliefs so this is just a modern day evolution of what happens when something new comes into our culture. It is not fully understood yet. I've seen drug addicts completely rehabilitated, I've seen the illiterate become literate, I've seen people that were so depressed and hopeless completely rehabilitate their goals in life, become happier, find partners. It's beautiful." — Jenna Elfman on Scientology. [Perez Hilton]
• "Every other guy I've been out with has used me for money or sex — but in most cases they just want fame. It made it hard to trust people… I loved this guy for three years but he betrayed me. Rick’s a scumbag and I hate him. It was just the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me. So humiliating and embarrassing. But at the end of the day, I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve found someone who loves me for me. Benji’s my best friend and I know he’d never hurt me." — Paris Hilton. [News Of The World]
• "To go on about acting as art is ridiculous. You don’t have to be gifted just to hit a mark and a line. As far as I’m concerned, that’s 90 per cent of the job. Anyone who finds acting difficult just shouldn’t be doing it." — Kurt Russell. [Daily Express]
• "I'm thinking, 'If this guy (Jesus) can die for mankind, the least I can do is quit smoking. I really felt an epiphany was happening. I even thought I saw a light around me. Four hours later, I bought a packet of Marlboro Reds. Who am I kidding? I need a cigarette." — Gerard Butler, on his religious experience at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem, Israel. [ONTD]
• "I shaved my back just in case. I went fully bare, like a two year old. I was ready. I didn't want to be too real for the world. I don't think the world is too ready for a hairy back in a love scene. Has there ever been a sex scene with Robin Williams? People don't want to see that. That would border on bestiality." — Seth Rogen, on preparing himself for Zack And Miri Make A Porno. [Daily Express]

• Apparently emboldened by last week's success in Milan, Bruno — aka Sacha Baron Cohen — crashed Stella McCartney today. "With his red thong clearly visible above his jeans, the comedian — who was virtually unrecognisable in a flamboyant leather gilet, with his slicked-down hair dyed blonde and brown — sucked Tampax, clapped along to the music and generally disgruntled the front row by continually pushing aside those sitting in front of him for a better look at the models." He then delivered a "lone standing ovation." [VogueUK]
• In total radness: DVF to design a comic book in connection with her Wonder Woman-inspired collection. Really hoping she has to make the rounds of the comics conventions. [Fashionista]
• Chloe Sevigny gets into menswear. Well, Gallo will wear it. [Nylon]

• Andre Benjamin's clothing line is for the modern fop. "To create a persona for his fashion line, Mr. Benjamin combined his surname with that of Bill Bixby. The character is a world traveler whose wardrobe includes things like a $995 cotton corduroy blazer, a $350 felted waistcoat and a $95 newsboy cap." [NY Times]
• Whoever wears that will surely be the intended demographic for "J. Crew's first book." "Written by Max Blagg and illustrated by Hugo Guinness, What a Man Should Know is a collection of 50 (very) whimsical tips for the modern male. So what should you know? Chess, wine, and figure-drawing." [Men.Style]
• Some people claimed Heidi stole the Project Runway premise — aka the same setup every single competition reality show has ever had ever. A judge, not surprisingly, dismissed it. [wwltv]
• Michelle Obama sports H&M on the campaign trail. [BlackBook]
• Lagerfeld video. Nuff said. [NY Mag]
• Scary Spice Mel B wants a Project Runway-style reality show. Get in line, kid. [E]
• Rather than going bargain basement, Target courts recessionistas. [Business Week]
• More on Miss Sixty's woes. [BBC]
• Sorta It-Girl Cory Kennedy to replace Kinda It-Girl Daisy Lowe as the face of Docs. [Fashionista]
• Levi's tries way, way too hard: "The San Francisco company has launched a new viral effort it hopes will attract young men to pass along videos of customized "beasts" emerging from the button-fly of Levi's jeans. At Unbuttonyourbeast.com, visitors can choose from nine different animated characters with names like Trout Troutman, Paul the Pincher and Sock Nasty, then customize the beast's message by calling a toll-free number. The effort, unsurprisingly, is geared to young men just out of college." The emails are titled, "Do you dare to unbutton my beast?" [AdWeek]
• India eases the way for the burgeoning luxury market. [IHT]
• Guy Ritchie's first hit since hooking up with Madge: a Nike ad gets big on YouTube. [Telegraph]
• Naomi Campbell's gonna walk for Hermes; everybody flips out. [Fashion Week Daily]
• I wish these celebs would stop calling their mix tapes "albums." Anyhoo, Heatherette designer Richie Rich's, "Celebutante," is about to drop. [Fashionista]
• "If there were a gold medal for marathon modeling, Shalom Harlow would surely win it for the Viktor & Rolf fashion film that will begin today on the Dutch duo’s Web site. 'It was like the fashion Olympics,' said Rolf Snoeren, who, with Viktor Horsting, reenacted a high-tech version of 'Funny Face' to showcase their spring collection. 'It was 14 hours a day on high heels, but she was a champion.'” [WWD]
• 80's power shoulders are big (sorry) on the Paris runways. [WSJ]
• That gold statue of Kate Moss was just unveiled. [Mirror]
• UGGS are like cockroaches: all that will be left after a nuclear holocaust. While everything else is foundering, UGGs is way up! [WSJ]
• The Lauren Conrad line forlorn and unbought. [Page Six]
• Bossy new bikini has "decorative beads" that change color when UV rays grow dangerously high. [Telegraph]
• Screw Jimmy Choos. Cheap shoes make more sense for actual walking. [Daily News]
• "Margherita Missoni, meanwhile, has experienced some teasing for wearing vintage sparkling Harper’s Bazaar frames — due to an eye problem. 'Suzy Menkes says it’s my Sarah Palin look,' she laughed. 'It is definitely not inspired by her.'" [WWD]

• John Mayer on his breakup with Jen Aniston: "There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met. People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right." Hmm, does Mayer The Player have commitmentphobia? [People, UPI]
• John Mayer also says: "I'm sorry that the story's not interesting. But it's about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she's great." [OK!]
• Um, there's also video of John making these statements. He actually seems emotional. [TMZ]
• Okay, this report says that though they're going through a rocky time, John and Jen are not over. Then again, it also claims that "the birth of the Brangelina twins has got her down." Ugh. [The Sun]
• This report says that money was an issue with Jen and John. "Jen was tired of paying for everything," says a source. "Cobwebs come flying out of (Mayer's) wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. Jen would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her." [MSNBC]
• Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi tied the knot! The private ceremony took place at their home in Los Angeles. There were 19 guests, including both of their mothers. [Yahoo News]

• Ellen and Portia both wore Zac Posen. They exchanged rings by Neil Lane. The couple said handwritten vows. Sniff. [People]
• Oooh, you can see Portia's fluffy pink dress here. A source called it a "Cinderella tutu." [Us]
• A crowd of 6,000 people gathered on Chicago's South Side to remember Bernie Mac on Saturday. Samuel L. Jackson spoke at the church and said: "He never turned that kid down for an autograph. He always had time to shake a hand. He was always that kid from Chicago who wanted to make everybody happy and everybody laugh." [CNN]
• Meanwhile, a Presbyterian Church in Memphis is being criticized for holding a memorial for Scientologist Isaac Hayes. [UPI]
• Madonna's 50th birthday was Saturday. She spent the day praying at the Kabbalah center before hitting a London nightclub. [Mirror]
• In other news, doesn't look like Madonna will be adopting that little girl in Malawi. Although we'll surely hear something different tomorrow. [The Sun]
• Meanwhile: Guy Ritchie's script adviser has been charged with possessing more than £100,000 worth of cocaine and cannabis. At least he knows his stuff. [Daily Mail]
• Tyra Banks kept her audience waiting for two hours for a taping of "Celebrating Black Models, Past, Present and Future" while she was backstage "giggling, snacking and chatting with the crew." At the end of the show, Tyra and some other models released black balloons, which, as we all know, kill sea life. Anyway, a source says the whole show was "self-indulgent, narcissistic crap." [Page Six]
• Phil Collins has divorced third wife Orianne Cevey after six years of marriage and two children. He's paid her £25 million, more than Paul McCartney gave Heather Mills. [Mirror]
• Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe suffers from dyspraxia, a neurological problem which impairs movement. His spokesperson says his condition is mild and "at worst manifests itself in an inability to tie his shoe laces and bad handwriting." [Daily Mail]
• Courtenay Semel is spilling details about her relationship with Lindsay Lohan: "Everyone thinks Samantha is Lindsay’s first lesbian love, but we were very passionate until her fear of being found out drove us apart," she says. Apparently Courtnenay and LL would do lines of coke, then go home and "fall into bed together." You know, Star was on to LL's "roomate" Courtenay months ago! [News Of The World]
• Courtenay also claims that Lindsay slept with a bunch of dudes to suppress her lesbian urges. [The Sun]
• Was Peaches Geldof's quickie Vegas wedding a publicity stunt for the groom's rock band? The group, Chester French, was unknown in the UK before the wedding; now they have five gigs: Sheffield tomorrow night, followed by Birmingham, Manchester, Edinburgh and London. [Mirror]
• Peaches has gone to visit her father, who will surely quiz her about what the hell is going on. [The Sun]
• By the by, Peaches' new hubs doesn't know who Sir Bob Geldof is, so that should go over well. [Mirror]
• Oh, dear. There's a picture of Peaches licking the face of Mark The Cobrasnake. [Daily Mail]
• Did Peaches get married because she was depressed? Is she still scarred from the death of her mother eight years ago? [The Sun]
• Amy Winehouse has become obsessed with The Wizard Of Oz and is using a sample of music from the film in one of her new tracks. Clearly, she loves the scene that's all, "Poppies… poppies!" [The Sun]
• Gossip Girl gossip: The first season comes out on DVD this week, with an audiobook narrated by Christina Ricci. Except no one likes audiobooks, especially not GG fans. [NY Times]
• Bill Murray jumped out of a plane on Friday. The 57-year-old actor leapt from 13,500 feet with members of the Army Golden Knights Parachute Team. When Murray landed, he said: "I really feel like having a drink." [AP]
• Paris Hilton's extensions were extremely obvious on the red carpet at a recent event. [UPI]
• View said extensions here. [ONTD]
• Jared Leto's band, 30 Seconds To Mars, is being sued by its label, Virgin Records, for not delivering three albums as required by contract. More time in the studio, less time on eyeliner, guys. [AP]
• Blind item! "Which hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual? The heartthrob snuck into his ex's apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital — and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut." [Page Six]
• Blind item! "Which oft-photographed socialite is being forced to get a job by her parents? She looks rich but is really broke, and is now looking for modeling gigs." [Page Six]
• Drama in the Black Eyed Peas! Fergie's too busy shooting a movie to commit to a tour schedule. [Page Six]
• Celebs at the DNC? George Clooney, Madonna, Kanye West, Scarlett Johansson, Susan Sarandon, Spike Lee, Quentin Tarantino and Matt Damon all wanna be there when Barack Obama says, "Yes, I can." [Rush & Molloy]
• Kim Kardashian performed with the Pussycat Dolls in Vegas on Friday and used iChat to show boyfriend Reggie Bush what she looked like in her costume. Yeah, she knows how to video chat. Be afraid. [People]
• Everything you need to know about Lo Bosworth's role on The Hills: "A subtle intelligence is Lo's saving grace. It's all there in her withering gaze, usually directed away from her target, and possibly in whatever she's always typing into her cellphone." [L.A. Times]
• Sixteen-year-old Georgia Jagger won't let mom Jerry Hall wear anything inappropriate. "I did take all her miniskirts. I told her one night that her skirt was too short – she came down the stairs and I was like, 'God, Mum, you are 50.'" [Daily Mail]
• Entourage star Emmanuelle Chriqui was one of the many patrons of an L.A. nightclub who came out coughing when someone set off pepper spray. [TMZ]
• Mark Frith, editor of Heat magazine, has a book about what it's like to run a tabloid readers love and stars hate. An excerpt: "Jude Law's lawyer calls again. 'We've reason to believe you're planning to run some photographs that you don't have permission to run. When does the magazine print?' 'It already has.' Silence. Then he tells me our lawyers will be getting a letter." [Daily Mail]
• Somebody stole stuff out of the Dancing With The Stars van when it was in Roseville, MN. [UPI]
• Is Avril Lavigne too sexy for Malaysia? [Yahoo News]
• Patrick Swayze continues to smoke. [The Sun]
• Robert Wagner has talked to a friend about the night Natalie Wood died. [Times of London]
• Headline of the day: "Even when he was kissing me, Warren Beatty could not resist staring at himself in the mirror." [Daily Mail]
• "I'd like an Oscar, I think, and I'd also like to have been the face of a big cosmetics company, like Chanel or one of the others. You know what, I am actually going to say I'd like an Oscar nomination rather than an Oscar. I don't want to jinx it." — Emma Roberts. [News.com.au]
• "I saw The Dark Knight. I'm like, 'That's not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.' I loved The Prestige but didn't understand The Dark Knight. Didn't get it, still can't tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character… I'm like, 'I get it. This is so high-brow and so fucking smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie. You know what? Fuck DC comics. That's all I have to say and that's where I'm really coming from." — Robert Downey Jr. [MSNBC]

• Christian Bale's "assault" against his mother is part of a long-simmering feud. Apparently Christian's been estranged from his mother and sister, Jenny and Sharon Bale, since he sided with his father when his parents divorced in the early '90s. Christian "reluctantly" agreed to meet with them at his London hotel right before the premiere of The Dark Knight but soon realized they were there to hit him up for money. An argument ensued; Christian demanded they leave his suite and allegedly pushed his mother out of the door. Snubbed, his mother went and told her "assault" story; she's trying to sell it to media outlets as well. [Chicago Sun Times]
• Christian Bale singed autographs and posed for photos at the Madrid premiere of Dark Knight last night but did not speak to reporters, duh. By the by, he has not been formally charged with anything. [People]
• Christian's relationship with his wife? Solid. [E!]
• P.S.: Aaron Eckhart has agreed to be in a third Batman film. [ONTD]

• Princess diaries? The FBI has seized Anne Hathaway's journals and will scour the pages looking for info about her ex, Raffaello Follieri. Anne's apparently cut off all contact with Follieri and changed her numbers; a source says, "Raffaello has been trying to call her all the time." He's not doing to well in prison — and wonders if Anne helped put him behind bars. This is going to make a great movie of the week! [Rush & Molloy]
• Brad Pitt's lawyers have sent cease-and-desist letters to photo agencies after paparazzi used "highly powerful telephoto lenses" to get pics — maybe of the twins? [Rush & Molloy]
• Sienna Miller is suing over those shots of her cavorting with Balthazar Getty. She's claiming breach of privacy — and since she won a judgment in December regarding nude pictures of her on the set of Hippie Hippie Shake — she might have a shot. [People]
• Apparently Sienna's pubic hair is being digitally enhanced for Hippie Hippie Shake, a source says, because "the film is set in the swinging '60s when fashion was wild and body hair even wilder… Unfortunately, Brazilians weren't common in the '60s… Sienna's private parts were digitally enhanced, giving her a rather unruly, loud and proud bush." [Mirror]
• Britney's mom ran over a bike-riding young boy with her car and killed him. In 1975. But a source says, "To this day, Lynne hasn't gotten over what she did. She gets that terrified look in her eye when she is thinking about it." Lynne was rushing her injured brother to the hospital when the accident happened. [National Enquirer]
• Singer, fashion designer, actress and mother of two Jennifer Lopez is training for a triathalon, because you don't aleady feel bad enough about yourself. [MSNBC]
• Madonna's brother says his book doesn't even contain everything he wanted to reveal about Madge. "There are plenty of things I left out of the book," he swears. "And things that the lawyers and editors took out." [MSNBC]
• 50 Cent is suing Taco Bell for using his image in an ad campaign without his permission. The ads suggested that Fiddy change his name to 79, 89 or 99 Cent to help promote The Bell's penny-saving deals. 50 doesn't do fast food deals. Who does Taco Bell they think they are, Vitamin Water? [E!]
• Um, Pete Doherty is trying to turn his dead cat into a ring for Kate Moss. Shelley was Kate's fave cat when Kate and Pete were together. Pete's supposedly using that company that turns ashes into gems but yeah. Ugh. [ONTD]
• Let's do the time warp again: MTV is developing a remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. A reader writes: "MTV has ruined EVERYTHING WE LOVED. I don't even know how to deal. Seriously, my emotions on this subject are majorly conflicted. I'm sad, which makes me want chocolate cake, but I'm also homicidal, which makes me want chicken fingers." [ONTD, Variety]
• Ethan Hawke and his wife Ryan Shawhughes welcomed a daughter, Clementine Jane Hawke, last Friday. [Us Magazine]
• Lindsay Lohan's cameo role on Ugly Betty is that of Kimberley, Betty's high school nemesis, who is now a fast food waitress. [Mirror]
• Angelina Jolie us the first choice of leading lady in The Thomas Crown Affair 2, which is too bad because no one can be as hot as Rene Russo was in the 1999 version, which, btw, was a remake. [Mirror]
• Peaches Geldof says all that matters is "love, art and music," because they are the only "pure things in life." Then she was spotted with a drug vial necklace. [The Sun]
• Kelsey Grammer nearly died after his heart attack last month. "They had to blast me twice and get me started all over again," he says. Insert something about tossed salads and scrambled eggs here. [Yahoo News]
• Nick Hogan is moving from the juvenile section into the general population of the Pinellas County Jail. He'll be one of 3,300 adult inmates, gulp. [E!]
• A nanny fired on Jordan's reality show is suing the "glamour model" also called Katie Price. The nanny says her privacy was infringed on. [Mirror]
• Here is a story from Pigeon Forge, TN: "Two 14-week-old American bald eagles named by Disney star Miley Cyrus and her country singer father, Billy Ray Cyrus, will be released into the wild Thursday at the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains. The American Eagle Foundation has released more than 90 eagles from Dolly Parton's Dollywood theme park in East Tennessee since the 1990s." [Yahoo News]
• A man has been charged with stalking Lorne Michaels. The dude believes his thoughts were being stolen by Michaels and then used as SNL fodder. That's just good writing! [E!]
• Avril Lavigne "hates her fangs" and is planning on getting her teeth filed down by a cosmetic dentist. Her punk attitude will remain intact. [Star]
• Elton John has a Ben & Jerry's flavor named after him. Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road is a yummy blend of chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, butter brickle and white chocolate chunks and it's only available for a limited time. [ET]
• Remember Jasmine Guy, Whitley from A Different World? She's having messy divorce problems. [Yahoo News]
• Mindy McCready is in rehab; her 2-year-old son is in the care of her mother. [Yahoo News]
• Matt LeBlanc's former manager is suing him and Matt says Camille Cerio has a "major depressive disorder." [TMZ]
• "I hope to be married in the next five years." — Derek Jeter. [Page Six]
• "She's at that point where she can call me and say, 'Hey Dad, what's up? What time are you going to get me?' It's really cool. We talk every day. It's hard for me to be the tough guy with my daughter. Maybe I should work on the discipline stuff, but I could leave her mother to do that!… Look at me and the way I live: I ride my bicycle, I walk, I don't have a driver. That's how I keep her grounded. Her mom does a good job too – she's not that person that everyone thinks. She's very laidback and cool." — Carlos Leon on his relationship with daughter Lourdes, aka Lola. [People]