Star went retro with a Jen/Brad story; OK! beat the horse carcass that is the Jessica Simpson "weight battle." Life & Style seized upon the "Octomom". But kudos to In Touch, for taking a risk and putting Tara Reid on the cover. Guess who wants to buy a magazine with Tara Reid on it? No one. Intern Margaret assists as we attempt to drink delicious, bubbly, celebrity gossip.

In Touch
"Rehab Saved My Life." Intern Margaret wants to know if money exchanged hands between the magazine and Tara Reid, or Promises Malibu — otherwise, why in the name of Bombay Sapphire is there an "exclusive" cover story about Tara Reid? Her revelations include things like: "I wasn't drinking any more than my friends, so I didn't get it. I'd think, why am I an alcoholic and she isn't? The truth is, some people can drink and some can't." Moving on: Jet-setting is "taking a toll" on Angie and Brad's brood! They've been to eight countries in eight weeks — from the U.S. to Germany, France, Japan, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and the U.K. An eyewitness in the Japanese airport said, "The kids looked miserable and frightened." Three of them had coughs and runny noses. Plus, the children's education has been "patchy at best." Ever wonder why John Mayer can't commit? It's because a girl named Allison broke his heart when he was 16. A friend says, "They were madly in love, but something went wrong." John vowed never to get his heart stomped on again! Tom Cruise finally looks like the "man of Katie's dreams" because he toned up. An eyewitness from a beach in Brazil says: "He's totally ripped." Next: Pamela Anderson is now living with her new boyfriend, a 41-year-old electrician and surfer. Pretty much the qualities she'd need in a live-in love, no? Also: Things are "heating up" between Renée Zellweger and MSNBC legal analyst Dan Abrams; they were seen buying wine together. As for the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident, a source claims that the couple is already back together and in seclusion. After her divorce, Pink went to a class called "Demystifying Anger." She says: "Anger is a survival instinct and we're meant to feel it. If expressed in the right way, it's the most healthy feeling you can have." T.I. on Joaquin Phoenix's rap career: "I will not pass judgment until I've actually witnessed his rap ability with my own ears. You've got to keep an open mind." By the by: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson "can't let go." Sam made $3 million from dating Lindsay last year: She gets $5,000 a night DJing by herself and $25,000 if Lindsay shows up. As for LL, she is "extremely dependent" on Sam and "constantly" texts and calls when they are not together. "Lindsay loves the drama. She'll cause fights so that Sam will pay attention to her," a pal says. Lastly: Cameron Diaz is totally gonna marry Paul Sculfor; they're looking at old castles and "stately homes" in Britain to have a fabulous summer wedding.
Grade: D for content, downgraded to F for cover (clean water in a filthy glass)

OK!
"I Will Lose 20 Lbs In 8 Weeks!"
Jessica Simpson has gone up a size in jeans but "Tony couldn't care less," someone says. But she's going on some kind of diet anyway. The pull quote says: "She eats her feelings. It's hard." Moving on! Josh Duhamel and Fergie are ready to adopt… a puppy! Ed Westwick has to tell new girlfriend Jessica Szohr where he's going when he goes out and when he's home, he checks to see if she's called. The mag calls this "whipped"; seems fairly normal, no? In Chris Brown/Rihanna news, a "pal" of Chris's says: "Chris is a great guy. Don't believe everything you read." Lastly: Guess who is getting an engagement ring for her birthday (TODAY!!!)? Jennifer Aniston! She and John Mayer are "slipping away" for a romantic getaway, and John will propose. He recently Twittered that he was at the Diamond Exchange in Tustin, a cut-rate Southern California jewelry store. It was a joke.
Grade: D- (beer with cigarette butts in it)

Life & Style
"Obsessed With Angelina."
A plastic surgeon who does not treat Nadya Suleman says that she appears to have gotten surgical procedures to augment her lips and perfect her nose, making her resemble Angelina Jolie. We noticed! Moving on: The Friday before the Grammys, Chris Brown and Rihanna were fighting and yelling "Fuck you" at each other at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party. The room full of music execs acted like they'd seen it before. But Rihanna and Chris were reportedly seen leaving a hotel together the morning after the incident, before he turned himself in to police. A friend of Chris's says he is freaking out and can't believe he went that far. He also says he's worried he's going to lose all his endorsements. "I know it's messed up, but that's what he said." Moving on: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri will return to New York, because Katie is shooting film here next month. Plus, she might join the Broadway musical Finding Neverland. Next: Angelina and Brad went to Thailand to visit a refugee camp; they are "open to adopting a child" from the camp, according to an insider. This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, we have stars who have "freshened up" for the Oscars — and there are actually men on the page! Brad Pitt got some Botox; Mickey Rourke had a facelift and eyelid surgery. But! the doc has kind words for Kate Winslet: "She appears to have had nothing done and looks fantastic." Lastly, in "Star's Figure Flaws — Fixed," Michelle Trachtenberg has "big" thighs.
Grade: D (flat, day-old off-brand soda)

Star
"The Jen-Brad Tapes"
In a recent interview, Jennifer Aniston admitted, "I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband. It's like saving love letters." Not exactly! Star asks, "Why can't she let go of this diary of lies and deceit?" Apparently Jen stills plays a message in which Brad says, "I can't wait to get my hands on you, Golden." That was his pet name for her! She also listens to messages he left when he was about to leave her, trying to analyze every single nuance and see if there were any hints that he was falling out of love with her that she missed. A friend says she has other stuff from her relationship with Brad, like press clippings, napkins from their first few dates, seashells from walks on the beach. "It's not like it's all tucked away, either. She's spent many lonely nights going through old keepsakes. And she sometimes wears Brad's old t-shirts to sleep in. It's not healthy." Moving on: Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr are going to Jamaica for a weekend getaway. Cynthia Nixon is planning to have a child with her girlfriend of five years, Christine Marinoni. An insider says they'll use Christine's eggs but Cynthia will carry the baby. Intern Margaret wants Steve to be the daddy! Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel and Freida Pinto were spotted in L.A. sharing kisses over a shared slice of Oreo cheesecake, awwww! Jennifer Aniston might be feuding with the other castmates from Friends; there was talk of a movie, but Jen wanted double the pay of the other stars, so now the flick isn't happening. Sherri Shepard might get laid off from The View due to the economy (and her unpopularity)! Blind item: "The honeymoon is already over for this newly married duo. When hubby got caught flirting with a delivery girl and dishing out a $100 tip, his misses flipped." Michael Douglas's son Cameron was evicted from his house in L.A. because he wasn't paying rent; the landlord has shared pictures of the left-behind drug paraphernalia! A mirror with powder on it, spoons used to "heat a substance" over the stove and filthy syringes. Finally: The mag printed Rhianna's horoscope: "It's all systems go! Prepare for your career to get the kick start it needs. Love and romance are yours for the taking — prepare to give someone the key to your heart. Your intuition is heightened: Follow it and you can't go wrong." (Fig. 1)
Grade: C- (unsweetened tea gone cold)

Us
"Fear & Abuse."
A Rihanna pal says Chris Brown "pimp-slapped" the singer and "punched her in the face," which prompted an eyewitness to call 911. Rihanna's injuries, which included bite marks on her hand and fingers, were photographed by the police before she was taken to the hospital. A source says that Jay-Z "hit the roof." And: "Chris is a walking dead man. He messed with the wrong crew." Back in December, a friend of Rihanna's saw bruises on Rihanna's neck and asked if she was okay; Rihanna responded, "We broke up again." Apparently, at Timbaland's pre-Grammy party, Chris and Rihanna were fighting because Chris accused Rihanna of "fucking" Timbaland and asked her how he was in bed. After the beating on Saturday night, her people were trying to see if they could cover up the story — and the bruises — and released a story about the couple being in a car accident. Moving on: Us obtained legal documents revealing that the "Octomom", Nadya Suleman, went by multiple aliases, and once tried to change her last name to Solomon — her sperm donor's last name. They point out that her alleged sperm donor's name is David Solomon, which is the Hebrew translation of her father's middle and last names: his name is Ed Doud Suleman. That leaves us wondering if "David Solomon" is itself an alias or IF HER FATHER IS HER SPERM DONOR. Plus! Here's an old picture where she doesn't have Angelina's nose (Fig. 2). Also: Neighbors say the Suleman household was "volatile" and that Nadya and her mother fight a lot with "lots of expletives and abusive language." After one fight, a neighbor saw two little boys running "stark naked out of the house." And another neighbor says, about their old house: "It was like transients: mattresses on the floor." Also inside: A spread of the new cast of America's Next Top Model! (Fig. 3) Lastly: There is an ad for Passages Malibu in this issue. "Don't spend another minute struggling with dependency," the copy scolds.
Grade: C (grape soda)

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Life & Style
"Twins Finally Revealed!"
This story is basically a two-page spread that contains the same photographs as our Snap Judgment of Angelina, Brad, Pax, Zahara and the twins from Tuesday. Moving on: Britney is freaking out because some other chick is taking care of her kids: Kevin and his new girlfriend Victoria Prince took little Jayden and Sean P on a trip to a snowy mountain town. There are pictures of Victoria comforting Brit's boys, and of everyone sledding and playing in the snow. In an "exclusive" interview with Ray J Norwood, who's getting a reality show on MTV (to replace Flavor of Love) he explains his relationship with Whitney Houston: "We always hang out. We'll probably hang out in the future, you know what I mean?" Paris Hilton's gmail account was hacked; an imposter asked Paris's friends to promote an unknown website. She plans to contact the FBI, but she's just so busy. There's a four page story in which Larry Birkhead explains the way he'll tell Dannielynn how her mom died, but it's pretty tasteless. He says: "I tell her this cute fairytale. There was a handsome young man named Larry who met a beautiful woman named Anna at the Kentucky Derby… I also use puppets to tell her about how we met." Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, Madonna should have an arm lift, because her skin is starting to sag (Fig. 1), and Rihanna's 28-year-old "taut arms" would fit Star Jones (46) "perfectly." (Fig. 1a)
Grade: F (crotch rot)

In Touch
"A Family Betrayed."
We read this sentence from the John Travolta cover story: "We are talking specifically about a document that the alleged accused purported to have in his possession and was using that document to extort a substantial sum of monies from the victim." And then we couldn't read any more. Moving on: The magazine beseeches Tom Brady to marry Gisele Bundchen, because even though she is a gorgeous, wealthy Brazilian supermodel, her life has no meaning unless some random quarterback makes her his wife (Fig. 2). OMG you guys: Pink and Carey Hart are so on. Totes kissing (Fig. 3). Lindsay Lohan is "skinnier than ever." When she's depressed she loses weight, a friend says. And she might be cutting herself, too. Next: Jennifer Aniston is "painfully aware that her chances of getting pregnant are low" now that she is turning 40. This is thoughtfully illustrated by a wistful photograph. But! Jen's planning a big party on February 7th at her home and ordered special crystal glasses engraved with "40 is the new 30." Classy! Once the party is over, Jen has "vowed to do whatever it takes to get on the path to marriage and motherhood, even if that means moving on from John." In other news: Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas: Making out. Also on: San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito and Paris Hilton — seen sneaking kisses at Sundance. After the Berlin premiere of Benjamin Button, Brad Pitt stayed out til 2 a.m. and drank so much beer "he could barely walk." Angie was home with the kids. A source says "Angie refers to him as her seventh child. She thinks he's immature." Lastly, in devastating news, Hammer pants are back (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (severe halitosis)

Star
"Tony Cheats On Jessica In Her Own Bed"
While Jess was out of town, Tony Romo went out partying with buddies (Laguna Beach's Stephen Colletti and Entourage's Kevin Connolly) and when the club closed at 2 a.m., Tony rounded up a bunch of people and brought them back to his place. His place was actually Jessica's house. People were getting in on in every room; Tony went upstairs and made out with a "cute olive-skinned brunette who wore a blue-green print dress." Moving on! Kate Winslet has a crush on Leo DiCaprio: A source says she fell for him when she was filming Titanic and has never gotten over him. At the Golden Globes, she hugged and kissed Leo before turning to her husband, and a witness says she couldn't keep her eyes off of Leo all night. But! Leo says he loves her like a sister and "kissing Kate is like kissing a family member." Jane Krakowski and Aaron Sorkin are dating. So you know Ali Lohan has been spotted hanging in L.A. with Lindsay? Her high school in N.Y. is wondering if she plans to return; she wants to play hooky indefinitely but the law says she has to attend classes until she is 16. Blind item! "Which starlet hosted a private party during Sundance? After chugging Stella Artois at Tao Lounge, she dragged a football hunk into the restroom for some sloppy loving." Hmm, this one was solved by In Touch, and he plays baseball, not football. There's a six page story called "Hollywood Weight Crisis." Lindsay, Jennifer Connelly, Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie are too skinny. Ellen DeGeneres has "struggled with her weight for years" and now has lost weight by being vegan, but Portia prefers her plump. Kevin Federline is "living large", but an insider says he likes being "fat and happy." Even though Jennifer Connelly's husband said that she dropped weight because she lost her father, the mag claims a source says: once she dropped the weight, she liked what she saw in the mirror.
Grade: D+ (pit stench)

Us
"Secrets Of A White House Mom"
Michelle Obamarama! She's reinventing the role of First Lady! Her first party at the White House was for the White House staff, including people like plumbers and florists. Oh, and Malia plans to do her homework on the desk in the Lincoln Bedroom — where Abe penned the Emancipation Proclamation. She'd better make sure her Sharpie doesn't bleed through the paper! Also inside: "Horatio Sanz: Too Thin To Work?" He's on a new show and afraid no one is going to recognize him after losing 100 pounds. Speaking of thin: Here's yet another image of Lindsay Lohan looking svelte (Fig 5). Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are "cooling off" and John told her they needed to slow down. "She smothered him too much, just like last time," a source says. "John didn't have the heart to say he was dumping her again, so he said he needed some time to himself." Lastly, Angelina and Brad's new Long Island house is worth $60 mil and includes a private cove with room for yacht and sailboat; a gym with hot tub and cold plunge pool; leather ceiling dining room; two helipads and a fallout shelter with underground tunnel leading to the front yard.
Grade: C- (musty hair)

OK!
"Baby News!"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were photographed at The Ivy in L.A. and he had his hand on her tummy and she clasped his hand and held it there. She must be knocked up for real. The Ivy is one of those places you go when you want to make a statement without saying a word. Next: Uma Thurman did yoga poses in the aisle on flight from New York to Salt Lake City for Sundance. OMG! AnnaLynne McCord from 90210 kisses her sister on the lips and 28% of OK! readers think it's cute (Fig.6). Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has decided she's "just not that into John Mayer" and is "flying solo at 40." He keeps rock star hours and can be moody; she likes being home with her dogs. Besides, Jen is busy planning her big 40th birthday party February 11th and wants "everything to be perfect." Tony Romo wants Jessica Simpson to keep her curves. He likes a girl who "can have a few beers, ribs, fries and dessert," a pal says. Just like The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, Demi Moore is getting more and more youthful (Fig. 7)! Lastly, Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford is being chased by Hollywood starlets like Carrie Underwood, Lindsay Lohan and Drew Barrymore — but he's interested in Sarah Palin (Fig. 8)!
Grade: C (b.o.)

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The other tabloids focused on Hollywood's first couple, Angie and Brad. Below, we hope in vain to find fresh gossip in the pages of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.









Ok!
Though this "special collector's issue" promises to show "All the stars! All the parties!" it actually features 8 pages of pictures from the "We Are One" pre-inaugural concert, and two lame parties that took place over the weekend. False advertising! Next: Former BFFs Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz may be fighting because Cam has become more serious since her dad died last year and now Drew is too silly for her. Also, Drew has been a third wheel since Diaz has moved in with boyfriend Paul Sculfor. All that's left for poor Drew now are meaningless flings with a slew of younger men. Lindsay and Sam are in a "sick contest" to be as thin as possible. A source suggests lesbianism may be at fault, since "it's hard to be with another woman and not compare bodies." Finally, actress Parminder Nagra and photographer James Stenson wed in a ceremony that reflected their Indian and British heritage ... and her role on ER. Recently ordained castmate Maura Tierney officiated, and her co-stars John Stamos and Scott Grimes performed as the wedding band.
Grade: F (Being the Secret Service guy who has to move to Texas with former President Bush)

Us
"Why She Called Off Her Wedding" This lengthy story does not say definitively why Jennifer Love Hewitt called off her wedding to actor Ross McCall, but reveals her many character flaws that could be the cause. Jennifer was always crying and whining because their work schedules kept them apart, she got jealous whenever Ross had to make out with girls on camera, she has trust issues because her dad walked out on her, and she has body issues. Also McCall told the mag they are working it out and are both still wear their rings, so maybe the wedding is still on after all. But! What of Kate "Waity Katie" Middleton? Her friend insists boyfriend Prince William will propose before the summer and an expert on the royals says they always get engaged in February. However, Wills still has to complete his Royal Air Force training, so Kate may have to wait until February 2010 for a ring. Carey Hart has moved back in with Pink! They've been separated for a year, but a source says, "it never really ended. They just took a break on the marriage because they couldn't make it work never seeing each other." Next: Britney went to a restaurant in Hollywood with her mom and Justin Timberlake was there dining with Jessica Biel. Brit looked uncomfortable and took a seat at the bar with her back to the couple, supposedly because she "didn't look her best" while Biel "looked gorgeous." Despite rumors that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are engaged, a "pal" says he hasn't proposed ... yet. In closing, now women's bodies can literally not measure up thanks to this story that compares starlets' waist measurements. (Fig. 1)
Grade: D- (Having your oath of office flubbed by the Chief Justice)

In Touch
We've already heard about "the shocking book that could split Angelina and Brad," which their former bodyguard, Mickey Brett, is threatening to write, but there are some new juicy details. Mickey supposedly walked in on Angelina and Brad "being intimate" in her trailer only three weeks into the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Angie won Brad over by doing whatever he wanted in bed, including "buying sex toys, paddles and whips and dressing up in latex," says the source. Mickey says he and Angie used to laugh about what a poser Brad is, like when he got a tattoo to impress her. Also, Angie cheated on Brad with at least one dude since Shiloh's birth AND hooked up with a famous female pop star on numerous occasions. Moving on: Marc Anthony is denying allegations that his fights with J.Lo are violent. "He would never hit her," says a friend. "Marc is not someone to get out of control at all. He has the most respect for women and for Jennifer." Finally, "What happened to their boobs?" When stars such as Anne Hathaway and Lindsay Lohan lost weight, their chests got smaller. But when Nicole Richie gained weight and had a baby, her boobs got bigger. Hopefully In Touch will get to the bottom of this shocking phenomenon.
Grade: D (Being the Chief Justice who flubbed the oath of office)

Life & Style
If you can't get enough of the Obamas, but have a strange aversion to legitimate news sources, Life & Style has you covered. The mag does an impressive job putting together 16-pages of inauguration coverage, despite the fact that the mag went to print before the actual swearing in. There are tons of pictures of Barack as a child, eating chili dogs, and hugging babies, and photos of Malia snapping pictures of the inauguration festivities on her camera (and thank goodness she did, or we'd have NO record of this historic occasion). Plus, in a new take on the requisite piece on Michelle's style, there is an article analyzing her interior decorating taste based on an old photo taken in her living room. (Fig. 2) Moving on: Hopefully people will be a little more sympathetic to Robert Pattinson after reading this tragic four page tale about his low self-esteem, unsuccessful pick up lines, and lonely nights at home snacking on Hot Pockets and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Sadly, Pattinson is forced to frequent hot Hollywood restaurants and clubs with friends at night because a clause in his Twilight contract forbids him from going out in the daytime and ruining his vampire-like complexion. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are off-again. They haven't been spotted together since they went to Mexico for New Year's Eve (and her promotional tour for Marley & Me ended). Next: Lindsay Lohan lost some weight recently and her backbone was sticking out at a recent inauguration party. Her friend says it's because she's stressed and she's been doing ads for Fornarina. "So yeah, if she's modeling, she has to be skinny," says the friend. (Fig. 3) Angelina Jolie has no friends. She's never been into gossiping with girlfriends or making small talk because she thinks it's a waste of time. Brad is starting to miss when he and Jennifer Aniston would hang out with their couple friends. Though Paris Hilton already has a new BFF, she's thoughtfully offered to befriend Angie because she says, "she's strong but gorgeous and uses her fame for good ... I'd have a lot in common with her." Madonna ate the same salmon dish at the Waverly Inn two times last week, so she is clearly following a "salmon retox" diet, in the hope that the omega-3 oils in the fish will help turn back the clock. Lastly, Dr. Rey's heinous plastic surgery casebook takes a turn for the macabre this week, and he suggests that Angelina should steal Penelope Cruz's skin presumably Silence of the Lambs-style. But did they forget to photoshop Penelope's skin onto Angie's face, or does their skin just look exactly the same? (Fig. 4)
Grade: C- (Losing your ticket for a seat at the inauguration and having to stand on the Mall with the huddled masses.)

Star
The newest Jolie-Pitts, Vivienne and Knox, have not been spotted in public since October 8, supposedly because the twins are sickly and suffer from colds, chest congestion, and ear infections. Or possibly, Brad and Angie don't want to let their seven month old babies be mobbed by the paparazzi. Though this article is based on the fact that they twins haven't been spotted out and about, Angie is also accused of being a bad mother because she drags them along while she jets around the world, even though a doctor advised her that flying is bad for the babies. Next up: Jessica Biel and boyfriend Justin Timberlake have been trying for a baby since August. She took a pregnancy test in November, but it was negative, so they're still trying. They may get engaged and wed this summer, but if Jess gets pregnant they'll put a rush on it. "They want to be married before a baby begins to show," says a friend. "Jessica is old fashioned that way." Blind item: Which rocker is about to split from his sizzling young wife? Friends are saying that it's only a matter of time until one of them gets served with divorce papers. Kate Hudson and pro golfer Adam Scott let the world know that they are a couple by making out on the beach. In other news, when Brian Austin Green refused to attend the Golden Globes with his fiance Megan Fox, she retaliated by flirting with Zac Efron all night, hugging and kissing him even though his fellow teen starlet girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens was sitting next to them. Finally: White. House. Baby. In the craziest inauguration story all week, Star claims that Michelle and Barack think now would be a great time to have another baby. Michelle is 45 and had difficulty conceiving Malia, but she's considering in vitro fertilization and will likely start treatments once they've settled in at the White House. Barack loves his girls, but "wonders what it'd be liek to have a son to play hoops with." Because he has nothing else on his mind right now. Even if Michelle can't have another baby, they are planning to adopt an African-American boy and are considering a learning-disabled child because it would set a good example. "They country needs something to be happy about again," says a source. "And what's more joyous than a baby?"
Grade: C+ (Walking down Pennsylvania Avenue in the cold ... and in heels.)

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We also learn all about Katie Holmes and Anne Hathaway's weight loss, Sarah Jessica Parker's crumbling marriage, Nicole Richie's "figure flaw" and what almost got Miley Cyrus kicked out of church. Below, contributor Margaret assists as we shiver through the cold snap and try to find warmth in OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.

OK!
"Life Without Daddy."
The magazine reminds us that one year ago, Heath Ledger died "naked and alone." As for Matilda, she is now 3 years old. She likes riding her tricycle, dressing up like a princess, and going on playdates. Michelle told Newsweek that she sometimes bursts into tears at the mere mention of Heath's name. But other than that: Nothing new. Moving on: OK! calls out last week's reports that Sarah Jessica Parker is moving out by noting that the couple is still living under the same roof. In a sidebar of a piece on Michelle Obama's style, there's some awesome info about Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson: She was strict with Michelle and her brother but is more liberal with the grandkids. She says Sasha and Malia's 8:30 pm bedtime is "ridiculous." And as for the one-hour limit on TV? "That's just not enough time."
Grade: F (below 0°)



In Touch
"Divorce Is Not An Option."
Jennifer Lopez did not wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes. She says: "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced. That's crazy! It just didn't go with the dress." She also told the mag: "Divorce is not option." Moving on: "Anne Is So Skinny But Kate Got Curvier" is a story about the weight fluctuations of Hathaway and Hudson. Katie Holmes left her Broadway show on closing night and immediately got on a plane, so she didn't get to go to the wrap parties with the cast and crew. Also: She and Suri like New York better than L.A. Patrick Swayze's dying wish? He wants the love of his life — his wife — to be happy. David Hasselhoff had a "wild night" in Las Vegas with a woman in an orange dress. (Fig. 1) Thank your lucky stars you are not this woman. Lance Armstrong has asked his pregnant girlfriend Anna Hansen to marry him! He popped the question while the two were vacationing in Hawaii. In a story called "Hollywood Promises Stardom For Sex," there are a ton of blind items about the casting couch! Like: "What hunky, masculine action star slept with a famous male director and only then was given a walk-on role in one of his movies? Luckily, this small film debut launched his career." Plus: "This actress had a very strong reputation as a high-priced hooker before she was ever in a movie. And before she married one of Hollywood's most famous men." Lastly: Robert Pattinson's sisters used to dress him up like a girl and call him Claudia (Fig. 2).
Grade: D- (below 10°)



Life & Style
"President Dad!"
Forget the recession and the conflict in Gaza: Not being there for Sasha and Malia has been and remains Barack Obama's biggest fear! This story mostly pulls quotes from sources such as Marie Claire, ABC's This Week and Ebony. Don't forget that Obama was raised without a father and is well aware of the emotional scars that form from not having a dad around, people. Moving on: Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are living separate lives. The mag talks to a "neighbor" who says, "Rarely do I spot them together." A parent whose child attends the same school as James Wilke Broderick says, "You never see Sarah and Matthew together with James on the short walk from their home to the school." Next: Britney leaves her house of horrors! She's moving out of the mansion where she had her meltdown and into a house in Calabasas, CA, 25 miles from Beverly Hills. Everything will be so much better. In other news, Jennifer Lopez is "torn between two men." One is her husband, Marc Anthony; the other is former manager Benny Medina. Some say Marc deeply resents Benny's presence in J. Lo's life. The two projects J. Lo and Marc worked on together — the film El Cantante and the album Como Ama Una Mujer — both flopped, and Jennifer is "hungry for success again." Drama! Poor Taylor Lautner from Twilight had to work out "six or seven days a week for two hours a day" and eat as much as possible to bulk up for the sequel (Fig. 3). He put on 20 pounds and guaranteed the studio 10 more. Did we mention that he is 16? Is this healthy? This week in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the good doctor is focusing on abs (Fig. 4). He should know that the woman labeled as Donatella Versace is actually a random Italian countess. But! He thinks that Tara Reid would look better with Lindsay Lohan's stomach. Keep in mind that LL is ten years younger and Tara had botched liposuction. Lastly, there's a bullshit spread called "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed." (Fig. 5) Rosario Dawson's flaw is that she is athletic; Nicole Richie's flaw is that she is petite. And if Elizabeth Banks is "pear shaped" then the Earth is flat.
Grade: D (below 15°)



Us
"Fergie And Josh's Wedding Album."
Was this the tackiest nuptials ever? Perhaps! First: It was held near a lake, so it was fishing-themed. Guests were given fishing poles and encouraged to fish for one of 100 specially imported rainbow trout. "Josh loves beer, and wanted a keg there," the wedding planner explains. "But Fergie said kegs are ugly, so we made a blinged-out cover for the keg." Just so you know, Michelob Ultra was in the keg. Josh says, "The wedding was about incorporating both our personalities." Fergie walked down the aisle to the theme song from Peanuts, since she used to voice a character on the Charlie brown cartoon. After the ceremony, when Fergie got up to thank the crowd, she said into the mic: "I'm married, bitches!" Moving on: Does François-Henri Pinault, the father of Salma Hayek's baby, have a love child? And is the mother a French politician? An interview with Kendra titled "My Life WIth Hef" is chock-full of details! She is moving out of the Playboy mansion and she is engaged to the Philadelphia Eagles' Hank Baskett. She says while in the house, the girls had a 9 pm curfew, and Hef wanted them to wear dresses. They weren't allowed to chew gum, and they weren't allowed to go home for the holidays. Kendra only saw Hef once a day, there were never solo dates, and she was too intimidated to say anything to Hef except for "I love you!" Plus: When asked if she ever got intimate with Hef, Kendra responded: "Of course, there were romantic times…" But! She also says: "I never stopped hanging out with my guy friends. I had to have sex every now and then. So I kind of had to sneak it."
Grade: C (22°)



Star
"J. Lo & Marc: Fights Turn Physical"
"They love hard, they fight hard, and sometimes that has led to pushing and shoving," reveals an "insider." Apparently women call the house and ask for Marc and Jennifer goes nuts. "Jen had a complete meltdown. She tossed pots, pans, dishes, books, and whatever else she could get her hands on." Also: Marc calls Jen "chubby" — sometimes he'll pinch her waist and make a "tsk, tsk," sound and laugh. She gets angry and lashes out. Supposedly, she called Diddy (?!?!) for help, and he told her to get a good lawyer. Moving on: the mag claims Suri Cruise is in danger because Katie bought her a child's manicure kit and, in a zoomed-in photo, the label says "choking hazard: small parts - not for children under 5 years." Blind item! "Which very pregnant party gal just can't stop bar hopping? She rocked the ready-to-pop look during a recent night out in Vegas." Next, Miley Cyrus was seen texting in church. Of course she was sending messages to boyfriend Justin Gaston, who was sitting next to her! The pastor pulled them aside because they couldn't stop giggling. Ashlee Simpson has plumped her lips with Restylane injections, zapped stretch marks with laser treatments and is debating getting lipo. Anne Hathaway has dropped 20 lbs. and 2 bra sizes, but misses her old boobs and is considering implants. Jennifer Aniston is getting an engagement ring from John Mayer for her 40th birthday! He's designing it himself, and is inspired by his tattoo that reads "Life." Samantha Ronson ended things with Linsday Lohan because she's fed up with the drinking and the drama. Ali Lohan, 15, has moved to L.A. to be with LL — doesn't she have school? Katie Holmes, 5 foot 9, is a size 2, but is fasting and working out like crazy and won't stop until she is a size zero — she wants to be rail-thin like her idol, Audrey Hepburn, and friend Victoria Beckham. Lastly, there's an absurd four page article on Barack and Michelle — including how they've been — gasp! — fighting recently. Barack is concerned that Michelle spends too much dolling the girls up in fancy dresses. "He doesn't want them to look like little princesses," a source says. He wanted them to go to public school, but Michelle picked Sidwell. Oh, and she came back to their hotel with "loads" of new purchases, and "Barack hit the roof." (Yes, apparently No Drama Obama hits roofs!) A source swears: "He was stunned at how much she had spent. He told her she was letting the notion of being First Lady go to her head, and that she was going to have to take back many of the items." There was a lot of shouting, and then the silent treatment. But! "If there's a silver lining to their heated spats, it's the makeup sex."
Grade: C- (32°)



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Most of the covers were lame this week, with the word "thin" on two (New Year's resolutions, anyone?), plastic surgery on one, Britney's "comeback" on another and a juicy story about Sarah Jessica Parker maybe leaving Matthew Broderick on the last. Below, Intern Margaret assists as we peruse the predictable pages of OK!, Us, Life & Style, In Touch and Star.

Life & Style
"How I Got Thin"
While we have no idea how old the Britney photo is, (pre-pregnancy, maybe?) we definitely know that the Jessica Alba cover shot has been digitally altered like crazy. So this cover fails. Inside, we are informed that Britney gets Sunfare meals delivered to her home and is currently eating 1,100 -1,200 calories a day. As for Jessica, in her before and after pictures, she is pregnant in the "before." There are details about how other stars lost weight, too: Eva Longoria lost weight by eating lots of fruits and vegetables. Oh! And Britney has a tourmaline ring that is helping her heal because it "boosts her inner strength and provides a sense of stability." Moving on: Angelina Jolie has been wearing a lot of Ralph Lauren clothing, which she gets for free. But she's not under contract with the company: "Lots of top designers send Angie clothes," says a source. "She wears what she wants to." Does Robert Pattinson want out of Twilight? He cropped his signature locks in the ultimate fuck you move (Fig. 1)! Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were both in Los Cabos, Mexico over the holidays, but they stayed in hotels that were six miles apart! A source says: "Jen often can't even reach him. I've never seen her get him on the first call. It's almost like they communicate completely via text and voicemail. But Jen learned her lesson from the last time they broke up — she knows not to push John." Underminery! "Shocking New Year's Breakups" is a list of couples who made the drive to Splitsville last week: Jennifer Love Hewitt and fiancé Ross McCall; Patricia Arquette and husband of 2 years Thomas Jane; Katy Perry and Travis McCoy from Gym Class Heroes; Gossip Girl's Kelly Rutherford — who is three months pregnant — and husband Daniel Giersch. In "I'm Addicted To Botox," there's a huge picture of Tamra from Real Housewives of Orange County having a needle stuck into her forehead. Pretty much all of the Housewives admit to Botox and boob jobs. Lastly, in "These Stars Don't Dress Their Age," Madonna and Nicolette Sheridan are dressing too young, while Katherine Heigl and Katie Holmes are dressing too old (Fig. 2).
Grade: F (lose weight)

In Touch
"Who's Had Plastic Surgery."
Doctors who do not treat the stars think: Angelina Jolie had Botox and chemical peels; Tom Cruise had Juvéderm (and sends an assistant to pick up $1,390 jars of La Mer); and Jen Aniston gets lipodissolve, Botox and Juvéderm. Plus, we learn Megan Fox, 22, has already begun to get "preventative" Botox injections. Moving on: This story is summed up in the headline: "Poor Katie — Now Tom Says: I Want 10 Kids." Maybe Xenu wants her to be a baby machine? Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez went on a "make or break" Puerto Rican vacation; J. Lo wants to keep it together for the twins. Even though the couple was spotted kissing and wearing wedding bands, a body language expert says J. Lo's face is "devoid of any expression." The NY Daily News has reported that J. Lo and Marc will break up after Valentine's Day after singing one last time together at Madison Square Garden. Lastly, Kevin Federline and his new girlfriend, Victoria Prince, are getting serious and thinking about living together in Kevin's Tarzana home. Britney's not happy about Victoria being around her boys — Victoria has an arrest record.
Grade: D- (quit smoking)

OK!
"10 Years Later: What Price Fame?"
Britney's conservatorship was supposed to end December 31, but she couldn't get insured for her tour unless her father was in charge, so the deal is indefinite. But! She can't get her kids back while she is still legally a child. "Whether it was her decision or she was pressured into it, Britney's deal with the devil put the tour ahead of her kids," says an insider. Also: Her choreographers, Wade Robson and Andre Fuentes, left the tour in December because Britney wasn't doing any work. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston's Mexican vacay included Sheryl Crow, Courteney Cox and Laura Dern. John Mayer was staying with his brothers in the same town; Jen told the girls that they had to accept her relationship with John, or else! Fergie is getting married to Josh Duhamel on January 10th and she's registered at Crate & Barrel! At the wedding, expect to see Justin Timblerlake and Jessica Biel, Josh's Transformers castmates Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox and Fergie's Nine castmates Kate Hudson, Daniel Day-Lewis and Penelope Cruz.
Grade: D (drink more water)

Us
"How Jen Stays Thin" Basically, Jennifer Aniston runs every morning at 6 a.m. and does yoga every other day. Oh, and John Mayer told Jen that she had worked something she said to him ["Love is when compromise becomes your first choice"] into a new song he is writing, says a source. "She feels really honored." The mag dug up an old picture of Jen when she weighed 145 lbs. (Fig. 3)! Moving on: Someone in this apartment shrieked when she saw this picture of Donatella Versace (Fig. 4). For some reason, we find it heartwarming that Pink and Carey Hart were seen kissing on New Year's Eve. (Fig. 5) They're technically not divorced, and might be giving it another try! Lastly, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez were seen fighting in Puerto Rico and a body language expert says he's the alpha dog and "controlling and aggressive."
Grade: D+ (get a check up)

Star
"Sarah Jessica Moving Out!"
Last August, Star revealed that Matthew Broderick was caught cheating; now Ms. Parker was spotted visiting a real estate broker! Matthew and Sarah are living separate lives, and now that the holidays are over, she is revisiting her exit strategy. They've had problems for the past decade, according to this story, because she is so busy with so many endorsement deals. They want to break the news to their kid with a family therapist present. Random people who work in their neighborhood say they used to see the two together all the time, but not so much anymore! Plus! Matthew had a secret date with Saturday Night Live producer Marci Klein in September — they were spotted nuzzling, tossing back cocktails and sharing chicken satay. (now Marci's marriage is crumbling.) Next: A picture of Jon Stewart and his awesomely cute son, Nathan (Fig. 6). Robert Pattinson is a jerk: On a flight from L.A. to London, he was drinking beer and complaining about how much he dislikes Twilight fans bothering him. The cabin crew asked for his autograph, and he asked to be left alone. Blind item! "Which hot young actor has picked up the habits of his latest role? He has been spending several nights a week having slumber parties with his male assistant — no girls allowed." Jennifer Aniston wrote John Mayer a poem for Christmas, and as a surprise for New Year's, John recorded it as a song. Here are the lyrics: "Lucky in love, lucky in love/Didn't forget me when I asked you to leave me/Didn't forget me, now you're along side me/You've brought luck to love/I've been hit by a truck in love." In a photograph showcasing Nicole Richie's hip bones, the mag has an arrow pointing to her concave abdomen with the words, "bump alert." (Fig. 7) When Tom Crusie was dating Katie Holmes, he promised her she'd be the number one female box office earner in the world! But Mad Money flopped and now she's wondering how Tom can run a big movie studio and not steer her toward an Oscar-worthy film. The mag helpfully points out that Nicole Kidman had to split up with Tom for her career to take off. Miley Cyrus was caught kissing Justin Gaston! The mag says it's her first kiss. But what they mean is her first photographed kiss. A source says that Jennifer Love Hewitt's wedding is off because her family wanted her to get a pre-nup, but her fiancé wouldn't even look at it. The mag also points out that her dude liked her when she was curvier and "when she went on the diet she became a completely different woman — one he was no longer in love with." Did you know that Willie Ames of Charles In Charge tried to kill himself on Thanksgiving? He'd been sober for 20 years but when his wife asked for a divorce, he went to a hotel room, drank, took pills, and put a knife to his throat, cutting himself in six places.
Grade: C+ (clean out closets)

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Life & Style
"Twilight Romance!" Lots of stuff about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might OMG be having a secret relationship, because they had good chemistry on set and he tried to slip her the tongue in a kissing scene. But! She's had a boyfriend for 2 years, and this is fabricated story. Moving on: Pete Wentz texted a few friends on November 14th to say that Ashlee was in labor, but texted again the next day to say it was a false alarm. The baby's not ready yet! Holly Madison says that leaving Hugh Hefner has changed her look! She is wearing less makeup now that she is with Criss Angel. Who wears eyeliner, right? Whoa: Is this a picture of Barack Obama biting Michelle's ear (Fig. 1)??? Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, the good doctor believes that Heidi Klum, who is a flawless fucking supermodel, would be even sexier if only she had Michelle Williams's lips (Fig. 2) WTF.
Grade: D- (2 hour delay)

In Touch
"Jen, I'm Sorry." Sigh. Brad Pitt still feels bad about leaving Jen for Angelina. Jen is not mad at Brad, she just hates Angelina, "pure and simple." Not because Angie stole Brad, but because she won't shut up about it. A source close to Aniston says, "Just when she is in a good place, it seems as if Angelina has to throw some poison her way." The magazine also walks you through Jen's "Seven Stages Of Grief" over relationship in a helpful sidebar, as well as asking a "body language expert" to analyze her facial expressions from her appearance on Oprah (Fig. 3). Moving on: Valerie Bertinelli lost weight through grilled chicken and exercise, what a breakthrough. Kirstie Alley's gained all her weight back and "Oprah Want To Lose Weight For Obama." And Fergie gained weight for a film and she's up to a whopping 121 pounds, but she plans to lose the 13 lbs. she packed on. There's a story called "The Stress Is Getting To Madonna" with pictures of her arms and a line which reads, "The singer appears to be wasting away. Is she okay?" Next, Nicole Richie is planning her clothing line — her jewelry line, House of Harlow, is already in stores. There's an informative piece called "Drugs Ruin Your Looks," illustrated with two pictures of Amy Winehouse. Oh, and a whole bunch of druggy blind items (Fig. 4)! Since she was "dressed conservatively" on a beach in Mexico, and had her hand on her tummy a lot, and a source says so, Mariah Carey is two months pregnant. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres is hosting a show in Vegas called Ellen's Even Bigger Really Big Show: "I may be topless, which is potentially kind of exciting," she jokes. Lastly, an "At Home With Lance Bass" feature reveals that he has a purple satin bedspread and 'NSync bobbleheads (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (1 hour delay)

Us
"How Angelina Tortures Jen." Eight text-heavy detailed pages about the Aniston vs. Angelina feud. The magazine delves into the original betrayal, and uses metaphors like, "Aniston continues to pick at the scabs of her broken marriage" and "Jolie twists her dangerous knife." In insider says Anison is "as adept as Madonna at pushing the right buttons to stay in the spotlight." Plus, when Angelina was on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, instead of wearing the flesh-colored underwear provided, she was naked in bed with Brad Pitt. Intern Margaret's fave part is when a source says: "Whenever the topic of Valley girls comes up in conversation, Angelina likes to tease Brad by saying, 'Brad, you used to like Valley girls, didn't you?'" Next: A photograph of Sarah Palin reclining by the pool at the Republican Governors Association Conference in Miami last week (Fig 6). Oh, and there are pictures of what Michelle Obama could wear to the inauguration (Fig. 7). Hmm, where have we seen that before? Lastly: There's an exclusive interview with Brandy, who, when she got knocked up in 2002, claimed she had secretly wed the baby's father the year before, which was a total lie.
Grade: C (half hour delay)

Star
"Furious Brad: Shut Up, Jen!" Jen told a friend, "I look forward to the day when I can get Angelina in a room and warn her that Brad is going to leave her, just the way he dumped me." Jen also reveals the reason she wouldn't have Brad's baby: He was cheating on her. The mag goes back to a 2003 Vanity Fair party, where Brad disappeared with a "very sexy party planner" and Courteney Cox had to send David Arquette to go find him. Also, when Jen and Brad were together, he liked to wake and bake — smoking pot all the time. Plus, he was "constantly" getting chemical peels and collagen injections. Wowza. Moving on: Guy Ritchie and Rachel McAdams have been flirting on the set of Sherlock Holmes. Crazytown! Four months after breaking up with Michael Bublé, Emily Blunt is dating John Krasinski! Tina Fey turned down an interview with 60 Minutes because she doesn't want to talk about politics anymore. But! She's still one of Barbara Walters's "10 Most Fascinating People." Dr. Phil can't stand curly hair, and makes the female staff come in with straightened hair. New hires are warned they'll have to flat-iron! Blind item! "Who is taking months to plan her wedding because she doesn't want to pay for it? The glamourous girl is calling in favors and trying to get freebies for her long-overdue big day." Mischa Barton is trying to find her way back into the spotlight with a line of high-end headbands. But! She is furious at Nicole Richie for including hair jewelry in her House of Harlow line. Rihanna and Chris Brown went to a lingerie store and Chris bought her $800 worth of unmentionables. Plus, they've coordinated their concert schedules and call each other "beauty" and "rebel." Which is which? L.A. photo agency X17 claims one of their photographers saw Britney's dad, a recovering alcoholic, down more than 6 large draft beers while sitting alone at a bar. His camp claims he was drinking O'Douls. Also: Jessica Simpson might be pregnant. A story called "The Hills: Running Out Of Lies" claims that MTV is "struggling" to come up with fake Hills storylines. LC and Heidi called a truce, and the producers are upset they missed it — they might recreate it. LC's hometown friend Jill Levin is always around, but the producers won't film her because they don't think she is thin or cute enough. And how will producers portray Audrina's new multi-million dollar mansion on the show without admitting that the way she bought it was with money from The Hills?
Grade: C+ (15 minute delay)

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In Touch
"Brad Feels Trapped." Basically, this mag insists that Angelina is knocked up with her 7th child, and that Brad is "tormented" by her "baby joy." And insider says, "Brad feels trapped. He knows he can't leave her now." Cuz before, when they only had 6 kids, he could totally just walk away. But seven?? Anyway, the "source" claims that even before the twins were born, Brad tried to "escape" by "drinking vast amounts of beer." Moving on: Tom and Katie are celebrating their two-year anniversary. What keeps them together? Their daughter. Katie "puts up with a lot for Suri's sake," a friend claims. The friend also says: "Life with Tom is not what Katie thought it would be." For the love of Xenu. Also inside: Nicole Richie is "too thin again." A nutritionist who doesn't treat her estimates her weight is 90 lbs.; she was 85 lbs. at her thinnest. Lindsay Lohan has a crush on Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick! "I love Chuck Bass," she says. "I want to be his friend." Evan Rachel Wood has "finally" found a guy her age: The 21-year-old was seen making out with Joseph Gordon Levitt, 27. This comes just 3 weeks after breaking up with 39-year-old Marilyn Manson. Christina Ricci has a new man, and he is 6 foot 6 (Fig. 1). On a spread called "The Most Expensive Celebrity Weddings," we learn that Jessica Simpson spent $250,000 on roses; both Mariah and Gwen Stefani had $500,000 receptions; Trista Rehn had $50,000 platinum and diamond-encrusted shoes. By the by: John Stamos is ready to have kids! Lastly, the epically dumb story: "Suri Is Copying Lindsay's Style" (Fig. 2)! Since this is the only weekly not to cover the Obamas, it receives an automatic failure.
Grade: F- (dreadlock)

Life & Style
"Jen Speaks Out On Angelina." You've heard this a million times over the last two days and here it is again: Jennifer Aniston thinks that Angelina talking about falling in love during Mr. And Mrs. Smith is "very uncool." Jen's friends "know to avoid" talking about Brangelina, and Jen says she can deal with running into Brad, but she's tired of being tied to him publicly. Yawn. Moving on! There are two pages based on Lindsay Lohan's Bazaar interview, in which she says she's not a lesbian. She does say she sees herself getting married "eventually." The mag asks, to a man or a woman? LL answers, "I don't know." In a Brad and Angelina story called "Time Apart," we learn that the two make sure they have "date night" at least two nights a month — the nannies watch the kids. A "Meet The First Daughters" story informs us that Malia Obama likes ice cream: "Ice cream is my favorite food," she says. "I could eat ice cream forever." Sasha likes to dance to Beyoncé on her iPod. Beyoncé has offered to sing at the inauguration! Insiders say that moving to the White House will probably be easier on Sasha because she's younger and more of an extrovert. Malia already has her own set of friends and a life that she's used to, so she may get homesick. But! The White House does have a in-house movie theater, swimming pool and bowling alley. Next: Kim Kardashian has "stolen" Angelina Jolie's stylist, Jen Rade, who told her to ditch the extensions and stop wearing so much tight stuff. "I've kept 10 Herve Leger dresses as keepsakes," says Kim, "but I've gotten rid of 40." Hayden Panettiere is 19 and now has a $2.6 million house in L.A. It looks cute. Lastly, in "Dr. Rey's Casebook," the doc says that Mandy Moore's nose is "perfect for her face" didn't she have it done? He also claims that Whitney Port would be "stunning" with Lauren Conrad's nose (Fig. 3). She looks awful. Women are not Lego, for you to swap and change pieces, doctor.
Grade: F+ (rat's nest)

OK!
"Michelle's Private World." Intern Margaret says she didn't really learn anything new about Michelle, and the only source the mag uses is Yusef Williams, Michelle's hairstylist. He does reveal that "Michelle has a lot of full-length hair — no extensions — and she has relaxed." Williams explains, in great detail, how to get her 'do: there's serum, blow-drying and flat ironing involved. He expects her look to evolve when the Obamas hit the White House: "I'm sure there is going to be change, because that's the motto: Change. Expect something shorter, layered, fun and one-of-a-kind." There are rumors that the earrings Michelle wore on election night were a gift from Oprah, but that's not true. They're $10,000 Loree Rodkin earrings. We also learned how to get Malia and Sasha's looks, by shopping H&M, Bloomingdales, J. Crew and Payless. Moving on: Britney's son Jayden was rushed to the hospital on Sunday, and an allergic reaction to shellfish was the cause. No shrimp cocktail for little Jay! There's a two-page spread with "exclusive" pictures from Mel B.'s vow renewal in Egypt, if you care.
Grade: C- (teased tangles)

Star
"Devastated Jen: How Could You!" So yeah, what is Jen Aniston pissed about now? According to the mag, Jen was surfing the web and "came across a story that plunged a knife directly into her heart." It was when Brad told Oprah that Angelina is "the love of his life." Oprah asked him if he's the happiest he's ever been, and Brad answers, "Dare I say?" To which Oprah said, "Dare I see!" The mag digs up a quote from 1996, when Brad Pitt dedicated his Golden Globe from 12 Monkeys to "the love of my life, my angel": Gwyneth Paltrow. And! In 2004, while Brad was still with Jen but had started filming Mr. And Mrs. Smith, he said: "We'll see where this thing is going. I'm not sure it is really in our nature to be with someone for the rest of our lives." Now Jen is wondering if Brad ever really love her, and she called his mom to cry about it. An insider says having John Mayer's baby is going to be Jen's "in your face" to Brad. Apparently John Mayer is so frustrated by Jen's "lingering feelings" for Brad that he's written pages and pages of rants he plans to turn into song lyrics. Moving on: Blind item! "Which new mom is having a little too much fun when her baby's dad is out of town? Booze and coke aren't quite the best diet for someone who is still breastfeeding." Also inside: "America's First Sweethearts" is all about Sasha and Malia Obama! Sasha, who will be the youngest kid in the White House since Kennedy's children, is a budding gymnast who collects snowglobes — dad picks them up during his travels! Plus, there's a picture of Sasha and Barack in a bumper car (Fig. 4)! Lastly, there are six pages called "Hollywood Strip Show," which is about stars who have been — or played — strippers. Did you know that Mark Consuelos was known as the "king of whipped cream" when he danced in Tampa in the early '90s?
Grade: C (dry curls)

Us
"I Think I'm A Pretty Cool Dad." The issue devotes eight pages to Barack Obama, after having a 13-page page story about the Obamas and other White House families last week. They even have a page called "Obamas — Just Like Us!" (Fig. 5) You get to see tons and tons of pictures, especially of Sasha and Malia — rollerskating, playing with a puppy, hugging dad, etc. There's also a page called "Fake Baby News," in which Us calls out In Touch OK! and Star for spreading vicious, vicious lies. (Fig. 6) Keep your enemies close!
Grade: C+ (conditioned tresses)
















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Us
"Inside Her Family Tragedy." Honestly? Too sad to read about J. Hud's awful triple murders. Also, the latest news is that kid had his hand hacked off. What else was inside? Dancing With The Stars' Maksim Chmerkovskiy was quoted saying that his costars Lacey Schwimmer and Cheryl Burke needed to do something about their weight, but now he says that his words were taken out of context: "I want them to know that I wasn't calling them heavy, because they aren't." Lastly: Michael Kors and Nina Garcia are only going to be in five or six episode of the new season of Project Runway. Celebrities will fill in the rest of the time. Plus! Mood fabrics has an L.A. branch, but it was too far from the filming site, so producers "simply placed a Mood sign on a different storefront." WTF?
Grade: F (razor blade-filled apple)

Life & Style
"Carrie Calls Jessica Fat." Intern Margaret says, "It's not that there wasn't stuff in this magazine, it's just that the stuff in there made me want to vomit." Here's the deal: A "friend" of Carrie Underwood's said that Carrie has been sniping about Jessica Simpson's body. Carrie thinks Jess is attractive but wouldn't want to be "so buxom and top heavy." A "pal" of Jessica's says her current stylists don't know how to dress someone with big boobs. Jessica says: "I dress for men and myself. If I'm dressing for men, then I know it's good for myself." Um. Okay. Then the story spins off into a four-page battle of "skinny vs. curvy" — side by side pictures of women, sometimes battling themselves. The magazine talks to men — Zac Efron, Penn Badgley, Christian Siriano! — and asks them which they prefer. One guy actually says, "A hybrid of skinny and curvy would be the ultimate." It's such a mindfuck (Fig. 1, 2). Travis Barker had dinner with his daughter; he's out and about a little bit. There's a six page "exclusive" with Larry Birkhead called "Saying Goodbye To Anna Nicole." It involves staged pictures of Larry and baby Dannielynn packing up all the pink stuff in the house. They're moving because there's no backyard. Lastly, in a new section called "Dr. Rey's Casebook," Dr. Robert Rey from Dr. 90210 "weighs in on which A-list assets deserve top billing, and which ones could use a little work." He says Heather Graham needs a boob lift and Cameron Diaz would look better with Lindsay Lohan's chest.
Grade: D- (tooth brush)

In Touch
"Jen Looks Pregnant." Apparently it is cover-worthy news that some people think that Jennifer Aniston's tummy looks enlarged and she's been hiding it (Fig. 3). The magazine notes that "all of her friends have kids." Also, if it's John Mayer's baby, "it would explain why they are back together." Moving on: Reese is finally ready to marry Jake Gyllenhaal. A "pal" says she is "not a very spontaneous person" and the wedding will happen "in 2009." Very specific! There are two pages called "Why Won't Tom & Katie Put A Coat On Suri?" (Fig. 4). George Clooney is back with ex-gf Krista Allen because she is "independent" and "not clingy." A-Rod sent Madonna a 22-karat gold bracelet with a single charm that reads "bashert," which reads "meant to be" in Yiddish. They're planning to spend Thanksgiving together. Angelina went to Afghanistan on October 21 to visit refugees left homeless by the fighting against the Taliban as part of her work as a UN Goodwill Ambassador. She cried. Lastly, everyone in Hollywood is wearing the Black Halo Jackie O. dress (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (marshmallow "circus" peanuts)

OK!
"Wedding & New Baby In Weeks!" So, if Brad and Angie get hitched, it wouldn't be a "big, white affair" says a "family friend." It will be "very elegant, though" with "vows they write themselves." And it will either happen at the French chateau or in New Orleans. Expect no more than 25 guests: Jonny Lee Miller, Brad's mom and dad, James Haven. The same friend says, "To Brad and Angie, marriage is a piece of paper." Moving on: The story titled "Jen & Gerard's SEXY DATE" informs us that Ms. Aniston and Gerard Butler are in talks to star in a comedy together. Fourteen-year-old Mark Indelicato, who plays Justin on Ugly Betty, is gonna be Hannah Montana for Halloween. "I'm going to get a Hannah Montana T-shirt, the wig and the guitar that sings," he says. "It's going to be awesome." Oh, Tyra was a bully! "In elementary school, I was a mean girl," she says. "I would kick girls out of our group and make them go play with the non-popular kids. I was pretty bad." Nick Cannon was DJing a party in New York, and ten minutes into Nick's set, Mariah snuck out to talk to Donatella Versace. "She clearly wasn't into Nick's music at all," a source says. Page 59 asserts that Tina Fey's 3-year-old daughter Alice wears a $1300 Judith Ripka pearl necklace. Tina, say it ain't so! Or maybe it was a gift???
Grade: D+ (stale candy corn)

Star
"Angie's Humiliating Betrayal!" Brad Pitt has been flirting with his Inglourious Basterds costar, Diane Kruger. They were in Troy together, but she was married back then! Angelina is scared that Brad is gonna do to her what he did to Jen. Plus, Brad went on an Oktoberfest bender with Quentin Tarantino, which Quentin called their "whores and beer" night. There's no confirmation that whores were in attendance, btw. Brad came home super late and he and Angie got into a "screaming match." She told him she'd leave if he started up with Diane. Moving on: Blind item! "Which reality starlet had a blonde moment and forgot to turn off her mic in the bathroom? No, the crew couldn't hear her flush, but they could hear her do a few lines of coke." Funny headline: "Parents To Miley: Don't End Up Like Jamie Lynn!" Another great headline: "Twin Peaks: Mary-Kate & Ashley Battle Over Matching Boob Jobs." Ashley Olsen wants to get implants, so she asked MK to get them at the same time, so it wouldn't be as obvious that she got work done. A source says: "That way they could say they both matured and are filling out naturally." They are 22. MK was horrified and said no way. They've already had nose jobs, btw (Fig. 6). Katie Holmes has a crush on her All My Sons costar, Patrick Wilson. He's married. Tom has bodyguards around Katie at all times; they spy on her and report back to him. Jennifer Aniston has hired a wedding planner! Last week she popped the question to John Mayer, now she's planning her ceremony. She says she's meeting with celebrity wedding planner Mindy Weiss to plan a 40th birthday party, but Star says Aniston's working on a beach wedding in Los Cabos, Mexico. She wants people doing tequila poppers and listening to a mariachi band. Jen wants to wear a simple white dress with flowers in her hair; a flowing "Mexican peasant" look. Coco Cox-Arquette will be the flower girl. Pete Wentz will be the best man. Lastly, there is a 5 page feature on laundry tips with pictures of stars picking up their dry cleaning.
Grade: C (generic chocolate bar)

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Life & Style
"Angelina Admits Love Affair." The mag tries to milk a cover story out of that line Angelina said about her kids watching their parents fall in love in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Boring! Also inside: Nick Hogan was released from prison on October 21. There's a "Recession Special" story called "Even The Stars Are Cutting Back!" For example, Katie Holmes was spotted holding a travel mug, therefore the mag speculates that she is trying to save $25+ a week in lattes. Jessica Simpson's roots are showing, which means she is saving $225 a 'do. Carmen Electra washes her own car, which saves her $25 a wash. Next: Tina Fey was opposed to Sarah Palin's guest appearance on Saturday Night Live. An insider says she thought it takes the teeth out of the satire by letting the real Palin in on the joke. Lastly: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have approached Michael Phelps about doing a reality show, which will focus on Michael's new life and fame.
Grade: F (blackwater)


In Touch
"Yes, We Had Plastic Surgery." Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Demi Moore, Paula Abdul, Meg Ryan, Nicole Kidman and Tara Reid have all had Botox or some other kind of procedure. Botox isn't surgery, is it? Next: Sean Penn and Robin Wright called off their divorce in April, but according to a source who lives in their San Francisco neighborhood, Sean still unabashedly flirts with women and asks for phone numbers. Katherine Heigl and her husband are in the process of adopting a baby from Korea. Her sister, Meg, was adopted from Korea. The mag helpfully adds pictures of Katherine with her sister's kids so you can see what she looks like with Asian children (Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (greywater)


OK!
"Tears, Lies & Money." Six pages on how Madonna and Guy's divorce is messy, with some wedding pictures we hadn't seen before (Fig. 2). And Alex Rodriguez is on the scene! A source says, "I've heard that Madonna calls A-Rod her boyfriend." plus, A-Rod has a house in Rye, NY, by the water, that he uses to get away from the city. A source says it's very private and Madonna has been there more than once. There's also a page called "Who Gets What?" that lists all of Madge & Guy's assets: The house, the pub, the Mini Cooper. Moving on: In an OK! poll of "Who Has The Cutest Little Pumpkins," Marcia Cross beats Heidi Montag (Fig. 3). Who are the 36% of people who voted for Heidi??? Elisabeth Hasselbeck is "the odd woman out" on The View; during breaks she is always alone, according to an audience member. Shenae Grimes, 19, of 90210 was spotted buying six packs of Parliament Lights cigarettes. She posted on her blog: "I smoke. It's who I am." Next: Gwen Stefani's son Kingston, 2, "runs around the house knocking things down. He's a troublemaker." On a spread called "Real Sizes Revealed!" we discover that Kelly Ripa is a 2 and Meryl Streep is an 8 (Fig. 4).
Grade: D (non-potable water)


Us
"Lies, Cheating & Abuse." According to the story inside, two months ago, Madonna and Guy actually stopped speaking. Only their assistants talk to each other. A-Rod spent time backstage at Madonna's Oct. 11 concert in NYC and Madge and A-Rod also spend time at the Kabbalah Center in New York, "the only place they can really hide out," according to a source. Another Madonna source insists that the A-Rod affair is orchestrated and less intense than it appears. "[Her manager] Guy Oseary knew Madonna and Guy were splitting, and didn't want this 50-year-old lady without a man," a source dishes. "So he brought her together with Alex." Oh, and while Madonna and Guy were together, she would taunt him, saying "I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual." Snap! Moving on: Mandy Moore and DJ AM are back together! "Since the accident, it's blossomed into something again," a source spills. The source says Mandy says life's too short not to be with someone you really care about. Britney has been wearing a ring that looks like the one given to her by Adnan Ghalib. Plus: "She's also written a song called 'Papi,' her nickname for Adnan," an insider says. There are four pages devoted to the Heidi Montag/Lauren Conrad "tearful reunion." Here's a quote from Heidi: "I am just sorry for getting caught up in this negativity. I got sucked into it, it got out of control." Sarah Silverman critiques red carpet pix of herself in a story called "My Worst Outfits Ever." Lastly, Lindsay's new leggings line is "an ode" to Marilyn Monroe, who, as far as we know, never wore orange cheetah-print stirrup pants (Fig. 5). LL says, "I think all women feel sexy in leggings."
Grade: D+ (rainwater)


Star
"Jen Pops The Question: "Marry Me!" Jen said she'd only take John back if they got married, and he agreed. On John's birthday, they went back to Jen's house in L.A. A source says: "She lit a bunch of candles and slipped into some lingerie. She owns a ton of it — especially garter belts. She doesn't wear them outside the house, but she wears them in the bedroom!" A "friend" says: "Jen surprised John with a striptease. She got this little red and black number online. Nothing too X-rated, just skimpy. She wanted to do something special, so she gave him a private show and sang "Happy Birthday," just like Marilyn Monroe did for JFK." The source must be the underwear drawer this week. Next! The cover claims that Madonna "sleeps in a plastic bag" but the story explains it's an "age-defying" regimen that involves slathering herself with $800-a-jar cream and wrapping herself in plastic. Moving on: Mandy Moore has refused to speak to her mother, Stacy, since March, when she left Mandy's dad for a woman. Mandy's older brother is getting married later this year, and Mandy has warned him that if their mother is at the wedding, she's not going. Blind item: "What former bombshell needs someone to come to her rescue? Her drug use has ruined her looks and foiled any hope of reuniting with her ex. Insiders say her career is the next to go." Ooh, a story called "Gossip Girl Stars Gone Wild." Apparently there are photos out there of 15-year-old Taylor Momsen "looking wrecked and kissing a female friend." Blake Lively acts "childish" on the set and whines, "How come Blair gets to have all the fun parties?" to the wardrobe department. She and Penn Badgley annoy the crew because one won't show up until the other one is ready. Ed Westwick showed up hungover to a photo shoot, ate three bagels to feel better, but ended up puking all over the ladies room. As for Chace Crawford, he's been making out with girls who are not even remotely attractive. A source says: "He can have any girl he wants, but he tends to hook up with the below-average ones." Leighton Meester's "mortified" that the news about her mom giving birth in jail was revealed; she was "always in tears" on the set and kept having to get her makeup retouched. Also inside: out-of-rehab Kirsten Dunst is still drinking. Lastly: Tina Fey's "secret weapon" is her husband: They've been married since June 2001 and they "met cute" in the theater. He's worked on every show she's done.
Grade: B- (tap water)


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Life & Style
"How We Make It Work!" Despite repeated headlines like "Breaking Point!, this week, the mag declares that Angelina and Brad are "Happier Than Ever." Moving on: Britney is filming some kind of reality show or documentary for MTV. That photo op where she presented a check to the school in The Bronx? That'll be on it. Madonna and A-Rod could be "back on" since they had dinner together last week. Is Janet Jackson canceling concerts because she is sick? Or because tickets are not selling and she doesn't want to see half-empty arenas? Rihanna and Chris Brown: Moving in together! They're looking at apartments in Sierra Towers on Sunset Boulevard.
Grade: F (hair-in-a-can)


In Touch
"Britney's Humiliating Betrayal." An insider says, "Kevin and Shar are having sex." Shar as in Jackson, Kev's ex-girlfriend and baby mama. A friend reveals that Kevin, who got about $13 million in his divorce settlement from Britney, pays for all of Shar's stuff: her rent, her phone bill and her day-to-day expenses. Which means that Britney's paying. Sigh. Moving on: Katie Holmes wants to move to New York. A source says, "Broadway has turned Katie into independent woman. LA is Tom's turf, but Katie feels more in control in New York." She's looking at apartments! Angelina and Brad want to adopt a daughter from Haiti, and they want a girl who is younger than Zahara. Right now, they have a total of six nannies. Also, a source says: "Behind closed doors, they're at each other's throats." Lastly: Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical just bought a $3 million house in Studio City, CA: She is 19.
Grade: D- (toupee)


OK!
"Casey Breaks His Silence: I'm No Cheater." The mag interviewed Casey and Jamie Lynn and went through each girl he was accused of sleeping with. Casey denies ever having sex with other chicks, like Kelli Dawson or Whitney Seals. He says: "There was never another girl pregnant ever. I'm 19. Jamie's the only girl I've ever had pregnant." Jamie Lynn says that one of those girls sold her story and in a small town, when one person does it, everyone decides, good idea. Casey and Jamie Lynn are engaged but they won't get married for a while, because they want their daughter, Maddie to be part of the ceremony. Casey is a full-time student at Southwest Mississippi Community College studying process technology, which prepares you to work on a pipeline. Jamie Lynn wants to get a business degree. Next: "They're Just That Into Drew!" is a charticle detailing Ms. Barrymore's many, many hookups. Some of these people are on the infamous herpes chart. (Fig 1). Lastly, in "How To Look Tall And Slim," the magazine explains how to do an angled hands-on-hips/one foot forward pose à la Victoria Beckham. Servicey!
Grade: D (plugs)


Us
"How She Got Thin Fast" This story begins as a vertical poster centerfold of two pictures — front and side view — of Angelina Jolie at the premiere of The Changeling. The story goes on to say that the family used to eat processed food like pizza and Hot Pockets and now they don't. But there is a picture of Shiloh holding Cheetohs. The mag says when Angie does break down and eat junk food with the kids, she uses portion control. Moving on: "Audrina vs. Lauren: It's War!" As we know, there is a rumor that LC slept with Justin Bobby. A source close to The Hills says, "Audrina herself spread the rumors to get more attention. Audrina is the one who gets the least attention. She was so jealous, she concocted this on her own." Spencer talked to Us and said: "The truth is, I did know about this, and chose to say nothing out of respect for Audrina's feelings." He is such a good person. Next: "Jen Vs. Britney: Guess The Body!" Now that Spears is super-svelte, can you tell her apart from Aniston? (Hint: Yes.) (Fig 2). Kendra Wilkinson was seen making out with Joe Francis in Miami. Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels say they're gonna get hitched now that gay marriage is legal in California. They exchanged vows in 2003 and have 4 children. Exclusive interview with Travis Barker, from the hospital! "I'm trying to have a quick recovery and play the drums again and be able to hold my kids again," he says. He had to stop being a vegetarian, because after his first three surgeries, the grafts would not take to his skin, due to his low levels of protein. He thinks if his last surgery goes well, he should be out of the hospital in the next two weeks. Lastly: Even though there were jokes about the obese child on Desperate Housewives, played by an actual obese child, the show's creator says: "We are not making fun of childhood obesity. We were trying to paint a portrait of a woman who doesn't know how to deal with her daughter's problem."
Grade: D+ (comb over)


Star
"Angie's Secret Tummy Tuck!" Angelina Jolie told some friends she had a "mommy tuck." It was done right after the birth of her twins and she recovered in the hospital for a few days. Then she spent the next two months healing at home. Says an insider: "She had a hard time sitting still and couldn't stop picking up the babies, so the stitches opened up a few times and doctors had to come fix it. She had a really tough, painful recovery. But now she's doing fine." Next: Peter Krause has been chasing Lucy Liu around the set of Dirty Sexy Money. The story called "Why She Can't Find A Man: Jen's Secret Struggle" is all about how poor Aniston has unrealistic expectations because no one can live up to Brad Pitt. Lastly, "I Married A Star" is a photo list of unfamous people who married famous people: Matt Damon's wife, Nicolas Cage's wife, Tina Fey's husband.
Grade: C (extensions)


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Us
"The Style Issue." The mag conducted a photo shoot and interview with Hilary Duff, Lauren Conrad and Taylor Swift. Five pages of these ladies talking about clothes. Yawn. Lauren says, "I've thrown out stuff after seeing my own photos." And: "I'm always trying to hide my thighs." Intern Margaret deems the cover story "stupid and boring." Next: As previously reported, Kirsten Dunst's teeth look very different on the cover of Bazaar than they do in real life (Fig. 1). Lastly, there's a picture of Shenae Grimes from 90210 carrying food (watermelon, grapes and a styrofoam take-out container) — maybe to counter the previous "too thin" story?
Grade: F (flagellation)


OK!
"Untold Love Story." How, exactly, is Lindsay's story "untold"??? Anyway: The article is all old stuff about her relationship with Sam Ronson, but one new thing we learned: A source says "[Lindsay] recently bought Samantha a Red Bull, kissing her on the forehead and mouthing, 'I love you.'" Also inside: Is Demi Moore expecting? She went to a restaurant with Ashton Kutcher and ordered a non-alcoholic beer. There are baby pictures of Muhammad Ali's grandchild, Curtis Muhammed Conway Jr. Mom is Layla Ali, dad is a retired NFL star.
Grade: F (flogging)


Life & Style
"Hollywood's Baby Boom!" So the magazine actually printed this sentence: "First came marriage — and now comes the baby carriage for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon." A random source who saw Mariah at the airport says, "Mariah looked great, but she seemed to have put on a few pounds. Maybe she's pregnant — or at least planning on it!" Next up: Seven pictures of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel on vacation Italy, including one seriously creepy nighttime picture where the paparazzo was clearly stalking them during an intimate moment. A story called "Wild Hot Nights With Michael Phelps" insinuates that he's dating Doree Walker, a 34-year-old former Miss Alabama, or Amber Peterson, of Sunset Tan (as seen on E!). Or Stephanie Rice, or Amanda Beard. Lastly: Drew Barrymore made out with Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick, but she's not exclusive with anyone. An insider says "She just wants a man and grabbed the young, hot one." Another source says: "She has a new tongue piercing and wanted to try it out."
Grade: D (cutting)


In Touch
"Jen's Had Lipo!" The headline of this story asks "Why Would Skinny Jen Have Lipo?" Intern Margaret says, "Maybe because you keep printing pictures of her in a bikini?" Basically a source says Jen had LipoDissolve on her butt and thighs, a procedure Britney Spears also reportedly had. It's an injection that removes unwanted fat, and because it's non-invasive, there's little recovery time. It's made from organic human compound, which sounds gross. Oh, and remember Jen's old nose? (Fig. 2) Also inside: More pictures of Jessica and Justin in Italy. Megan Fox may have spent $26,500 on her appearance: Nose job, lip injections and breast implants. Next: Angelina, Brad and the brood have moved to a 30,000 square foot mansion in Palais Schlosspark outside of Berlin with a private helicopter pad, which allows Brad to shuttle back and forth to the nearby set of Inglorious Bastards. Wolfgang Puck's restaurant CUT is decorated with celebrity portraits, and Heidi and Spencer now have their photographs hanging on the wall. Even though Tom Cruise loves to eat there, his picture isn't up. Meanwhile these dead-eyed portraits of Speidi will make anyone lose their appetite (Fig. 3). Jamie Lynn Spears is alone and Casey is sleeping on a friend's couch. Lastly: Lance Bass says, "It's scary for someone to come out because they know it will hurt their career — even now." In a sidebar called "Stars Go Public For Different Reasons," Lindsay and Sam join Clay Aiken, Ellen and Portia, Neal Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight in a gallery of gays.
Grade: C (spanking)


Star
"Angie Forced Into Therapy!" How does Angelina have the time to nurse newborn twins, take care of the other kids and move to Berlin and talk to a therapist? The mag says: "Angie started seeing the doctor daily for short power sessions, and has continued to get help via phone and web cam." Ah. The mag also says Brad "put her in therapy." Angelina thinks she's fat and barely touches her food. She's reluctant to be seen in public because although she's lost some baby weight she still hates her stomach. And she won't have sex with Brad because she doesn't want him to see her naked. Moving on: Someone yelled out "Prince" upon seeing Rihanna in London. Blind item: "What sexy actress has been anything but angelic on the set of her new TV show? Her costars are fuming after the dirty diva demanded more screen time and a bigger trailer." Chris Klein is losing his hair. Jennifer Aniston is in Mexico to hatch a plot to revive her lovelife, and her plan involves Leonardo DiCaprio. Leo had an Emmy party at his house and Jen was there; she brought beer and did an impersonation of George Clooney. A source says, "It was obvious she was in full-on cougar mode!" Next: Britney and Kevin hooked up several times at the Mondrian Hotel. Taylor Momsen, Katrina Bowden and Lindsay Lohan are "wasting away" (Fig 4). Mad Men's Jon Hamm had a troubled childhood; he was 2 years old when his parents got divorced. He lived with his mom, but she died when he was 10. Then he moved in with his dad and had problems with that. He says, "I spent most of my time sponging food from my friend's families and sleeping in their basements." He lives with his girlfriend, whom he's been dating for 10 years, but says: "I don't necessarily want kids. I don't know if it's for me. I think when people come from a stable family, having children becomes a celebration — and I'm not sure it would be that way for me." Also: Mary-Kate and Ashley both have boyfriends and the dudes hate each other. Lastly: There's a story called "Girls Gone Mild: Booze, Drugs, Sex Tapes — What Ever Happened To Those Good Ol' Days? These Hollywood Starlets Have Replaced Debauchery & Mayhem With Daycare & Monogamy!" and it features Nicole Richie, Christina Aguilera, Ashlee Simpson and more.
Grade: C+ (sitting in the corner with a dunce cap)


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Welcome to 'Fine Lines', the Friday feature in which we give a sentimental, sometimes-critical, far more wizened look at the children's and YA books we loved in our youth. This week, writer / reviewer / blogger Lizzie Skurnick reads 'A Ring of Endless Light', the 1980 Madeleine L'Engle novel about Vicky Austin, who needs a good (dolphin) slap on the ass.

Dolphins. Do I even need to write another word? Oh, I know I do, but...dolphins, I had to write it again! That's the whole reason I started this column—to write about dolphins! You dog/horse/wolf/rabbit/mouse/Cave Lion/alley cat girls, keep your creatures. I am sticking with the one that can race to the horizon and back in an instant, symbolizes the great timeless mystery and wisdom of the universe, and is psychic. Try that with a rabbit sometime.

In A Ring of Endless Light, Vicky Austin, seemingly the most ordinary of the triptych of L'Engle heroines that includes Meg Murray O'Keefe and, in later installations, Meg's daughter Poly, yet again reveals herself to have a tiger in the tank. Having left her the previous summer, camping across the country on her way to a year in New York (see The Young Unicorns for that story), we return to an older Vicky under sadder circumstances. Not only has her family gathered on Seven Bay Island because her grandfather dying of cancer, a dear family friend, Commander Rodney, has just been killed trying to rescue a drowning boy. What has always been a happy summer on the water has become, in true Virginia Woolf style, a slow march into the sea.

Luckily—it is summer, after all—L'Engle has seen fit to break up all this agony with a passel of love interests for Vicky, though all three boys are wrestling with their own boatmen as well. First up is the familiar Zachary Gray, Vicky's pale, raven-haired suitor from The Moon By Night, his ordinary old death wish now transmuted into a veritable buffet of funeral baked meats. He's still got his bum ticker and loves to race cars and fly prop planes too close to jetliners—but now, his mother has died and been cryogenically frozen, and, oh, yeah—he's just (unsuccessfully) tried to commit suicide, which is the real reason Commander Rodney, who managed to save Zach, but not himself, is dead.

No wonder, after he pull up in his hearse-like black station wagon, he wastes no time telling Vicky she's all that stands between him and chaos. ("You're reason where there isn't any reason. Reason to live—") Stick a pin in that for one second, Zach—because, in addition to this matter of your being responsible for the death of Commander Rodney, Leo Rodney, his son, is very much interested in Vicky!

Without realizing what I was doing, I put my arms around him. "Cry, Leo, don't hold it back, you need to cry—" I broke up because I was crying, too, for Commander Rodney, for my grandfather, who was dying slowly and gently, for a thousand porpoises who had been clubbed to death...

I held Leo and he held me and we rocked back and forth on the old elm trunk, weeping, and the salt wind brushed against the salt of our tears. And I discovered that there is something almost more intimate about crying that way with someone than there is about kissing...

The French may have figured out how sex can evoke death, but it took an American to realize that death can also evoke sex. Luckily for Zach, however, Vicky doesn't feels the same amount of wild chemistry with gentle Leo. Speaking of which, we come now to the figure of Adam Eddington, who's studying dolphins at the lab with Vicky's older brother, John.

Those of you who've read The Arm of the Starfish know well that Adam is currently grieving over the death of his former mentor and friend, Joshua Archer, and the role he may have played in that death—but in this novel Adam is also, for L'Engle, the lifeline between science and God, his experiments with dolphins leading him less down a rational path than one towards greater mysteries. When he asks Vicky for help, thinking, as a child (he thinks), she may communicate better with the wild dolphin, Basil, he's made friends with out at sea, he realizes that she's not a child—and that her poetical brain runs rings around his when it comes to communicating with them:

"Tell me what he feels like to you," Adam urged.

How can anybody describe the feel of a dolphin? "Something strange, alien," I murmured, "like touching a creature from a different planet—and yet completely familiar, too, as though I've always known what a dolphin feels like....."

Again I lifted my hand from the water, but I couldn't see anything, and this time when I stoped scratching, Basil dove down, his great fluke flicking so that again I was drenched in spray, and appeared far beyond us, leaping up in great and glorious arc before diving down again...

I was still treading water and feeling more exhilarated than I have ever felt in my life.

Yes, that's right, she gets to swim with dolphins. Contain your jealousy. (Actually, just save it for when she has psychic conversations with them.) But Vicky's summer is one of absurd juxtapositions and extremes—one moment quietly spent reading philosophy with her Grandfather by his bed, the next being taken to a spa and a classical music concert with Zachary, the next eating spaghetti with her family and discussing the nature of death and cellular regeneration, the next skinny-dipping with Leo. It's an overwhelming deluge of physical, philosophical and psychological stimulae, sex and death, Eros and Thanatos, one in which the dolphins prove a crucial link for Adam—and for her:

"It's just—it's just—there's death everywhere—Commander Rodney—and watching Grandfather, and now Ynid's baby for no reason—it's just everywhere..."

..."Are you afraid?" he asked softly..."Of what, Vicky?" He picked up another handful of sand, and started trickling it through his fingers. "Dying?" his voice wasn't loud, but the word seemed to explode into the night.

Unlike Zach, who is far too dangerous, and Leo, who is far too tame, Adam is capable of making Vicky feel strongly without maker her feel entirely out of control—or making her feel entirely unlike herself:

...I heard every word he said. And I think I understood. At the same time my entire body was conscious of the feel of his fingers stroking my hair. I wondered if he felt as strongly as I did.

At that moment there was a rip in the clouds and an island of star-sparkled sky appeared, its light so brilliant it seemed to reach down beyond the horizon and encircle the earth, a ring of pure and endless light.

I wasn't sure that Adam's words were very comforting. But his arm about me was. He made me feel very real, not replete with me at all, only real, and hopeful....And I knew that if Adam kissed me it was going to be different from Zachary, with all his experience, or Leo, with all his naivete.

Adam did not kiss me.

Yet I felt as close to him as though he had.

This is a far cry from Leo, whom she can grieve with but not kiss, or Zach, whom she can kiss, but not grieve with. But here again, we find that the dolphins have the answer for her. After the baby of the dolphins at the lab dies, she asks the wild dolphins (wouldn't you?) to explain the nature of death to her:

I thought of Ynid and her grief at her dead baby, and I asked Basil, Is Ynid's baby all right? (Is Commander Rodney all right? Is my grandfather all right? Am I? Is it all right?)

Basil pulled himself out of the water and a series of sounds came from him, singing sounds.

And what it reminded me of was Grandfather standing by Commander Rodney's open grave and saying those terrible words and then crying out, full of joy, Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia!

Like Vicky's minister grandfather, the dolphins advocate a unified theory of everything, one in which not only life and death are intertwined, but evil and good. But when Vicky, on the cusp of womanhood, tries to assert her new psychic powers with the dolphins with Adam to form their own unified theory, she is slapped back:

Without consciously realizing what I was doing, I turned my mind toward Adam. Do a cartwheel in the water, like Basil.

I held my breath.

Adam dove down. Up came his legs. Flip. Head and arms were out of the water. Just like Basil.

Adam, do you really think of me as nothing more than a child? I realize I'm naive and backward for my age in lots of ways, but I don't feel about you the way a child feels. I've never felt about anybody else the way I feel about you, touched in every part of me...Is it only my feelings? Doesn't it touch you at all?

He broke in, saying sharply, "Vicky, what are you doing?"

I could feel heat suffusing my face. "N—nothing."

Now he was shouting at me. "Don't do that!"

"Why? Why not?"

"Because—because—" He clamped his mouth shut. But he was telling without speaking. Because it's too intimate.

But I did it with the dolphins. Why was it all right with the dolphins?

And the answer came lapping gently into my mind like the water lapping about my body. Because this is how the dolphins are, all the time. They're able to live with this kind of intimacy and not be destroyed by it.

I have always loved the part of this book where Leo tells Vicky how his parents made love after his own grandfather's death as an "affirmation of life" (it's not creepy, I swear), and it seems to sum up the entire thesis of this book—that sex and death are intertwangled with joy, which is, as Vicky's grandfather puts it, "the infallible sense of God in the universe." Meg Murray may well get to be consumed by tilting planets and fandolae and the future of the universe, but Vicky is, in her own quiet way, touching on questions just as crucial, however young and awkward she is. Like Meg, Vicky is a conduit for discussing the big questions, but I have always felt that she alone is also a conduit for representing the overwhelming feelings of adolescence, especially for girls. As Adam puts it, "I simply did not expect that John Austin's kid sister would be thunder and lightning and electricity."

• • • • •

Hello, pretty ladies! Thank you for being so extraordinarily nice to my dear friend Laura Lippman last week! (Just fyi, my personal takeaway from the Gilbreth family has always been flaking whitewash, shingled hair, QWERTY, "Lincoln freed the slaves. All but one. All but one," and Davey Jones Locker, not necessarily in that order. Oh, and the scent of oranges in California! This could go on for hours.) If you have not already, please go check out Laura's Times' Magazine Sunday Serial of last week, which returns, I presume, yet again in this next one.

ADDITIONALLY AND FURTHERMORE...construction at YA Book Central continues APACE, and various announcements, including the TITLE AND COVER PEEKS, plus SPECIAL ACTION ITEMS, will be appearing as soon as the publisher authorizes it, i.e. soon. Want to know before everyone else? OBVIOUSLY. To sign up, click here or send an email to jezziefinelines@gmail.com with the words DOLPHINS DO IT BETTER in the subject line, and I will put you on it!

Now, onto the last Plotfinder, which gave us a rare visual. I encourage all of you who haven't looked at it to give it a click and scroll down before proceeding.

LAST FACEFINDER VISUAL

Okay, good. (Guys, you are OBSESSED WITH Matt Dillon, but that is not Matt Dillon! BELIEVE ME, I KNOW MATT DILLON. Hair is right, though.) As I said last week, one of these I know for sure, the next I am 98%, and the third I just like to believe is true. Therefore, the winner is one Elissa P., who replied to the challenge:

1. Courtney Cox
2. Ethan Hawke
3. Alanis???? (I really want to believe this one)

I ALSO WANT TO BELIEVEEEEEEEEE!!!!! But yes, that is Courtney Cox, and, I am quite certain, Ethan Hawke. (You have to look at the eyes, or, rather, eye.) Is that or is that not a pre-nose job Alanis? Did Alanis have a nose job? God knows; either way, there's nothing ironic about that corsage. But! Elissa, please write me at jezziefinelines@gmail.com to claim your prize of one free column demand. Previous winners, your columns are coming up in the order in which they were received — do not despair! I was saving them for the cold weather.

AND NOW TO THIS WEEK'S PLOTFINDER!!!!!!! Laboring mightily myself of late, I have taken pity upon this poor fellow laborer, Sarah, whose efforts, tho' verily admirable, have as of yet come to naught:

A Ring of Endless LightA Ring Of Endless Light [Amazon]
Lizzie Skurnick [The Old Hag]

Earlier: Bridge To Terabithia: Troubling The Waters
•Flowers In The Attic: He Ain't Sexy, He's My Brother
•A Little Princess: A Reversal Of Four Buns
• Tiger Eyes: Cuando Los Lagartijos Corren
•Homecoming: A Dicey Prospect
• Go Ask Alice: Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
• The Wolves Of Willoughby Chase: Life's A Bitch And So Is The Governess
•Stranger With My Face: Stop Projecting
•Happy Endings Are All Alike: The Price Of Fault
•The Pigman: A Day No Friends Would Die
•Julie Of The Wolves: The Call Of The Wild
• Deenie: Brace Yourself
•A Wrinkle In Time: Quit Tesseracting Up
•Love Is One Of The Choices: No, Not That 'Sex And The City'
•The Girl With The Silver Eyes: Little Pitchers Have Big Pharma
•Starring Sally J. Freedman As Herself: Springtime For Hitler, Part II
•Summer Of My German Soldier: Springtime For Hitler, Part I
•From The Mixed-Up Files Of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler: City Of Angels
•A Gift Of Magic: Totally Psyched
•Are You There Crazy Psychic Muse? It's Me, Lois Duncan
•The Secret Garden: Still No Idea What A Missel Thrush Is
•To All My Fans, With Love, From Sylvie: No Telephone To Child Services
•The Westing Game: Partners In Crime
• The Moon By Night: Travels With Vicky
•My Sweet Audrina: The Book Of Sister And Forgetting
•The Long Secret: CSI: Puberty
•The Cat Ate My Gymsuit: A Pocket Full Of Orange Pits
•The Witch Of Blackbird Pond: Colonies, Slit Sleeves And Stocks, Oh My!
•Are You In The House Alone? One Out Of Four, Maybe More
•Jacob Have I Loved: Oh, Who Am I Kidding, I Reread This Book Once A Week
• Then Again, Maybe I Won't: Close Your Eyes, And Think Of Jersey City
•My Darling, My Hamburger: I Will Gladly Pay You Tomorrow For A D&C Today
•All-Of-A-Kind Family: Where I Would Put Something Yiddish If I Thought You Goyishe Farshtinkiners Would Farshteyn
•Island Of The Blue Dolphins: I'm A Cormorant And I Don't Care
•Little House In The Big Woods: I Play With A Pig Bladder Like It's A Balloon
•The Grounding Of Group Six: Have Fun At School, Kids, And Don't Forget To Die

Life & Style
"Forced To Live A Lie." The cover story is mainly rehashed stuff about Britney's past — her lip syncing, her boob job, etc. Then there's a story about Britney's kids' birthday party: Lynn and Jamie Lynn attended, and it was the first time that Sean and Jayden met little Maddie. Jenny McCarthy's son and Gwen Stefani's son were also guests at the party. Britney looks totally normal in jeans and a sweatshirt. Next: Lindsay's wearing a "massive" heart-shaped diamond ring on her engagement finger. Her rep denies that she's engaged; sources say she bought the ring herself at an antique store in NYC. Also inside: Jennifer Lopez is "Superwoman" because she did a triathlon in Malibu and threw a surprise party for Marc Anthony in NYC on the same day. Funny how she recovered from the "foot injury" that kept her from judging Project Runway! Lastly: Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli's on-again, off-again relationship is off.
Grade: F (broken toilet)

Ok!
"Miley's New Man." Miley Cyrus has been hanging out with a cute 20-year-old underwear model by the name of Justin Gaston — he's a also an aspiring country singer who was once on Nashville Star. Miley's dad Billy Ray introduced Justin to Miley and they've gone to church together a couple of times. His MySpace page says, "I love Jesus." Here's a picture of Justin in his underwear (Fig. 1). Also inside: Ben Affleck and the Geico Caveman are surprise look-alikes. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (broken Bakelite bangle)






In Touch
"The Richest & Poorest Stars." Intern Margaret suffered through eight pages of "completely random factoids about celebrities and money." It's all been previously reported, but the among the "poorest" seems to be Rihanna: There are rumors that she only has $20,000 in the bank. Ruben Studdard owes $200,000 in State and Federal taxes. Among the richest: Simon Cowell, who owns a $14 million house in London and a $20 million mansion in L.A. Next: Jessica Simpson says her "abuse" song is not about John Mayer. "I don't talk about my relationship with John Mayer anymore, because it's disrespectful to the man I'm in love with, and it's just… done." Plus! On Newlyweds, the parts where Nick and Jessica were fighting were edited out, because Jess's dad was a producer on the show. Also inside: Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester and Blake Lively don't speak to each other unless they have to. Pam Anderson and Mickey Rourke made out at a nightclub in Toronto. Ashley Olsen has asked Mary-Kate Olsen not to be involved with their higher-end fashion line, The Row, because MK parties all the time and doesn't take the business seriously. Is Lindsay Lohan cutting herself? There are inconclusive pictures of her taken after the MTV VMAs with what could be cutting scars, but also they sorta look like they could be old (Fig 3). While Jennifer Aniston was in Toronto for the film festival, she flirted with Gerard Butler at a party.
Grade: D- (warped vintage 78s)

Star
"Nicole Moves Out!" Apparently, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have been fighting and she keeps "storming off." Except the first time Nicole "stormed off" she went to her mom's house and came back the next day; the second time, she "stormed off" to Fashion Week and Joel joined her the next day. Then he walked out on her… by heading back to L.A. For the MTV VMA party. Where he was spotted flirting with Mischa Barton. It doesn't seem like Nicole actually moved out. Blind item! "What young diva was singing 'S.O.S' at the register when her credit card was declined? She said she'd come back to pick up the Gucci shoes another time, but she never did." Portia de Rossi plans to change her name to Portia DeGeneres! She and Ellen purchased stationery engraved with "Mrs. & Mrs. DeGeneres" from Tiffany and used it to write thank-you notes to their wedding guests. Jessica Simpson had a bad performance on Good Morning America because she stayed out late at a Marc Jacobs Fashion Week party the night before and got sloshed. Also: The back of her skirt blew up while she was singing on TV and she wasn't wearing undies. "The Brangie Bunch's Pigpen Castle!" story is about how the chateau is a mess: Maddox and Pax have set up an erector set in the front foyer, and the boys have toothpaste wars with Zahara and Shiloh. Maddox leaves blue hair dye all over the house. Angie lets them color all over the walls. When they go dirt biking, Brad doesn't make them wipe their feet when they come inside. There's more on Miley Cyrus's dude in here, with another underwear pic. Five-foot seven-inch Keira Knightley weighs only 99 lbs. She went to several parties where she didn't eat anything, only drank, and at one, she asked for a glass of water and when she stood up to drink it, she collapsed. Also thin: Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock (Fig. 4). Lastly: "Bristol Palin Stole My Guy" is about Levi Johnston's ex girlfriend, Lanesia Garcia, who used to be BFF with Bristol. Bristol urged Lanesia to break up with Levi, and as soon as she did, Bristol started dating Levi. Lanesia and Levi started dating at 12 and lost their virginity to each other at 15 and used protection. Just so you know.
Grade: C (stained Saarinen chair)

Us
"Too Thin For TV." The new stars of the new 90210, Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup, are pretty damn skinny. According to the mag, Jessica is 5'8" and 100lbs; Shenae is 5'3" and 90lbs. But! Both ladies weighed more (118 and 120, respectively) before they started the show. What is going on? A show source says, "I've never seen Jessica or Shenae eat." Another source says," They both smoke like chimneys." The pictures are disturbing (Fig. 5). Next: A French journalist asked Eva Longoria if she was pregnant and she said, "No, I'm just fat." Bristol Palin's future kid will "be in good company," the mag claims, because these people were also born to teen moms: Selena Gomez, Jack Nicholson, Debi Mazar and Barack Obama. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is being tutored at home in his French chateau. Homeschool! Lauren Conrad and Project Runway winner Christian Siriano are designing gowns for the "Emmy girls" who present statues during the awards show.
Grade: C+ (Steelcase tanker desk)

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Welcome back to 'Fine Lines', the Friday feature in which we give a sentimental, sometimes-critical, far more wizened look at the children's and YA books we loved in our youth. This week, guest writer and novelist Laura Lippman takes on two books, 'Cheaper by the Dozen' and 'Belles on their Toes', and — Sweetheart, get her rewrite! — unearths a major scoop.

We made quite a sight rolling along in the car, with the top down. As we passed through cities and villages, we caused a stir equaled only by a circus parade . . .

Whenever the crowds gathered at some intersection where we were stopped by traffic, the inevitable question came sooner or later.

“How do you feed all those kids, Mister?”

Dad would ponder for a minute. Then, rearing back so those on the outskirts could hear, he’d say as if had just thought it up:

“Well, they come cheaper by the dozen, you know.”

I was a reporter for twenty years, but I was never an “investigative” reporter. Although that modifier might seem redundant to civilians, it is a precise job description within a newsroom, one of the top positions, reserved for the cream. An investigative reporter needs to be dogged, capable of following extremely complicated paper trails, but also personable enough to woo sources. And in my particular workplace – The (Baltimore) Sun, 1989-2001 — it helped to have a penis. Oh, my female colleagues did some impressive work in that timeframe, yet I can’t recall one who was allowed to be a fulltime investigative reporter. But then, as our editors often helpfully explained, our newsroom was a meritocracy. It was so meretricious – um, I mean, meritorious — that it had one of the whitest newspaper staffs among metropolitan dailies, and this was in a city that was two-thirds African-American. But, as ever, I digress.

To be candid, even if I lived in a world where someone might get a job based solely on the fact that she has a uterus — just speaking hypothetically here, of course — I would never had made it as an investigative reporter. I’m not thick-skinned enough. I don’t enjoy making people mad at me. I left the city desk for features, then fled the newspaper for the freedom to make stuff up fulltime. So it is with some nervousness and trepidation that I take a stab at investigative journalism and announce my stunning discovery:

There were never a dozen Gilbreth children.

Or, to recast my lede in the self-important newspaper style beloved by my former employer: There were never a dozen Gilbreth children, Jezebel has learned.

To be sure, twelve children were born to Frank and Lillian Gilbreth, two industrial engineers involved the field of motion study. But Mary, the second oldest, died from diptheria in 1912. The last of the Gilbreths, Jane, was born in 1922. Frank Gilbreth died in 1924. So there were, for precisely two years in Frank Gilbreth’s life, eleven children, max. Consequently, every story in Cheaper that turns on a “dozen” – and there are many — is patently false. In fact, Cheaper by the Dozen never even mentions Mary’s death, an omission made possible by the fact that it barely mentions Mary at all. Instead, her death is revealed in a footnote at the beginning of the sequel, Belles on Their Toes.

I feel rotten, telling you this, because I really love these books. Although, in re-reading them, I realized I prefer the sequel, and not just because it drops the dozen charade. Belles is a better book than its predecessor, in part, because it loses the problematic Frank Gilbreth, who may make some readers wonder where motion study ends and child abuse begins.

As depicted by two of his children — Frank Gilbreth Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey — Frank Sr. is a benevolent dictator. Actually, he’s not that benevolent, although his kids appear to be crazy about him. He moves dinner discussion along by declaring that most topics are “not of general interest.” He teaches touch-typing while banging a pencil on the child-typist’s head hard enough to hurt. (“It’s meant to hurt,” he growls at the protesting daughter.) He doesn’t believe in illness and his good-sport progeny almost never see doctors except when another Gilbreth is arriving. In one of the book’s most memorable scenes, Gilbreth decides to use his children’s tonsillectomies as the basis for a motion-study film. I confess, I find this as funny as it is appalling.

As it turned out, Ernestine’s tonsils were recessed and bigger than the doctor expected. It was a little messy to get at them, and Mr. Coggin, the movie cameraman, was sick in the waste basket.

‘Don’t stop cranking,’ Dad shouted at him, ‘or your tonsils will be next. I’ll pull them out by the roots, myself. Crank, by jingo, crank.’”

So, to be fair, he’s kind of a dick to everyone!

Frank Gilbreth learned that he had a bad heart before his last two children were born and discussed with his wife the very real possibility that she would be widowed long before their brood had reached maturity.

“But I don’t think the doctors know what they’re talking about,” Dad said. [Of course not! The stupid doctors didn’t even know how inefficiently they were performing surgery until Frank Gilbreth showed them his home movies of tonsillectomies.]
Mother knew the answer Dad wanted.
‘I don’t see how twelve children would be much more trouble than ten,” she told him.

“Mother knew the answer Dad wanted.” Am I the only one whose heart plunges a little at that sentence? At any rate, this telepathic empathy seems to have been the signature gift of Lillian Moller Gilbreth, who had a psychology degree. (“Although a graduate of the University of California, the bride is nonetheless an extremely attractive young woman,” as her own wedding announcement explained.) Frank Sr. had first floated the dozen idea on their honeymoon, but she agreed readily. The single regret she voices is not insisting on hospital births until the deliver y of her last child. She stays ten days. Can you blame her?

The chapters about Frank Gilbreth’s death are truly moving, but Cheaper is ultimately more a series of set pieces than a cohesive story. There’s just no larger narrative arc, which is why Belles is a more satisfying read. The Gilbreths were in real financial straits when their father died. Okay, they still had a fulltime handyman and a place in Nantucket, but the younger children were on the verge of being dispersed to various relatives. Although she had been her husband’s business partner and co-author, Lillian Gilbreth had to work hard to persuade their clients to stay with her. In turn, her oldest children – Anne, Ernestine, Martha and Frank – took on enormous responsibilities within the household. Belles, like Godfather Part II, is that rare sequel that fulfills the original's promise. You can’t understand the whole story unless you read both.

There was a change in Mother after Dad died. A change in looks and a change in manners. Before her marriage, all Mother’s decisions had been made by her parents. After the marriage, the decisions were made by Dad. . . .

While Dad lived, Mother was afraid of fast driving, of airplanes, of walking alone at night. When there was lighting, she went in a dark closet and held her ears. When things went wrong at dinner, she sometimes burst into tears and had to leave the table. She made public speeches, but she dreaded them.

Now, suddenly, she wasn’t afraid any more, because there was nothing to be afraid of. Now nothing could ever upset her because the thing that mattered most had been upset. None of us ever saw her weep again.

Well, I can’t speak for Lillian Moller Gilbreth, but I am bawling my eyes out right now. Maybe it’s hormones, which, come to think of it, are another reason women just can’t do certain things.

Laura Lippman [Official Site]

Cheaper By The Dozen [Amazon]
Belles On Their Toes [Amazon]

Related Link: Laura Lippman In The Funny Pages [NY Times]

Earlier: The Wolves Of Willoughby Chase: Life's A Bitch And So Is The Governess

All Fine Lines Posts [Jezebel]

It’s show season, and I’m in this uncharacteristically elevated mood because I never find show season to be a grind so much as a whirl. Show season is the fashion Super Bowl, and I’m not ashamed to say I live for the game. It's when you discover new reserves of endurance and the depth of your own capacity for fun. You will work two shows and do “looks” — basically, fit modeling for a designer culling his clothes into a collection — for five hours and then you will meet your Australian friend for dinner at 11 p.m., and you will go to at least two fashion after parties (which will be lame), and you will find yourself in a romantic clinch with a Dutch minor-league soccer player at the Beatrice at 2 a.m. before retiring, with the Australian friend, to some tiny bar willing to serve you margaritas until you are both so blotto that when it’s time to find a cab you can’t even tell if you’ve ended up in the East Village or the West, all the streets are looking mighty crooked and none of them seem to go where you think they ought. And you will make it into the makeup artist’s chair at exactly 8:30 a.m. the next day; how any of this happens, exactly, is a mystery, but a glorious one. And life continues in this mode of serendipity-driven Stakhanovite excess for as many show weeks as you do. Your feet ache from your eleventy-seven castings and your head aches from the sponsored cocktails lame afterparty #14 was serving and you’ve achieved a new level of oneness with your cell phone, so often does your booker call with so many conflicting appointments and addresses, and the constant yawing up-and-down fortunes of options, confirmations, and cancellations makes it a high-stakes way to live.

But the adrenaline rush of doing a show, of walking out in front of the barking photographers and the hot lights and participating in the enactment of a designer’s personal creative vision for the world, it’s kind of strangely beautiful. In fact, it’s a blast. And if it weren’t so hard to get to that spot at the end of the runway, I don’t think I’d enjoy being there half as much.

Of course it irks that there are clients from two seasons ago who still owe me trade. It’s one thing, I was grumbling backstage to the Russian who exited just before me, to get paid in clothes; it’s another to not get paid in clothes. She rolled her eyes and told me about the time she twisted an ankle in a designer’s 8” heels backstage, and got hustled out of the lineup without any remuneration at all. Of course getting your hair teased and sprayed and having extensions glued in for full candyfloss effect sucks. Getting a communal bottle of spray conditioner and a couple combs to undo the whole rats nest backstage afterwards sucks; deciding to skip the squabble for the spray bottle and go home on the F with your ’do still gravity-defiant possibly sucks more. Having some asshole on the street feel entitled to yell “Eat a sandwich!” at you and the Australian sucks. Keeping your sneakers practically dry right up until you fall into an ankle deep puddle mere steps outside Bryant Park sucks. Scalp burns and common makeup brushes and strangers calling you “Bitch” and stripping down to a nude thong backstage in front of gawking assistants and event photographers all sucks. Exhaustion sucks and having your most secretly hoped-for options collapse sucks.

But there’s still a kind of magic in fashion week. Maybe it’s just the alcohol, or the fact that it’s one of the few times any model can ever pretty much count on working, but it’s probably the two times of year I love most. I think it’s the sense of possibility in the air. There’s something touching about fashion — about seeing women frantically sewing satin bias tape onto tulle in a workroom that adjoins the showroom where you’re being fitted, about watching a collection coalesce and a designer’s ideas clarify and condense before your eyes. Even the way that in the 21st century, we still show clothes twice a year, six months ahead of season, Forever 21 rip-off artists be damned, in lavishly produced statement events whose purpose is mainly to be fabulous and impressive, is kind of touching. On the best days of my job, I feel like I play a part in bringing something of beauty into the world. And when a little bit of luck comes my way and I can do even slightly better than cover my expenses, that feeling of aesthetic satisfaction is enough.

So, please, excuse me for not writing as much as I wish I could right now, I have been fantastically busy. New York is almost over, and like the rest of the fashion class, I’m flying across an ocean in a couple days. Wish me luck.

OK!
"Brit Hits Back!" Most of the "exclusive" information in this issue is from that interview the mag ran like 3 weeks ago. We do learn that Britney's album will be released by late December. Her dad's conservatorship will run out by December 31 (and probably won't be renewed). In the new year, she wants to go back to court and get 50/50 custody with Kevin. Also inside: In a "Summer Fling To The Real Thing" story, we learn that Justin Long and Kirsten Dunst are still together. Lastly: "Sarah & Todd's Love Story" is about Governor Palin's marriage. Apparently they got married in a courthouse in Alaska in 1988 and didn't have witnesses, so they had to go to the nursing home next door and round up some old people; they had one lady in a wheelchair and one with a walker.
Grade: F (cachexia)


In Touch
"Katie's Seeing Her Ex." Joshua Jackson showed up at the Broadway theater where Katie Holmes has been rehearsing All My Sons and brought flowers; therefore this cover blares she is SEEING her ex. Also, the mag speculates that she is pregnant, because she was seen wearing layers and sweaters and once held a briefcase in front of her shirt. Next: Brad's cracking under the pressure of raising six kids. He seems tired and at the Venice Film Festival he said, "Sleep is something you long for, but it' alright." Eva Longoria might be pregnant because she only drank water at a party in Vegas. Britney's MTV "comeback" is "controversial" because Rihanna should have won some of the awards Brit received. "Rihanna is the hottest chick in the game right now. She had the most No. 1 and Top Ten hits. Plain and simple, Rihanna was robbed," a poster wrote on a Rihanna fan site. (Yes, the mag published it.) Also inside: Jessica Alba's back in her skinny jeans. Cameron Diaz wants Jen Aniston to stay away from her man. Apparently Jen has been texting and calling Paul Sculfor and Cameron is "really mad." Lastly, a greyhound named Torque is the foster parent of a baby owl named Shrek (Fig. 1).
Grade: C- (tabes)


Life & Style
"Brad And Angelina At Breaking Point!" Apparently Brad and Angelina are stressed out because they have a lot of kids or something. Moving on: Is Adnan stalking Britney? Despite previous reports that Adnan Ghalib and Britney Spears had a romantic weekend together at a Vegas hotel, Adnan was actually trying to get a photo of himself with his ex to sell for cash. The security team blocked him. "It was really creepy — and pathetic at the same time," says a source. Someone else says,"She's desperate for love — but not that desperate." Next: John Mayer's hooking up with a buxom Miami waitress named Maria. Again. He dated her before he went out with Jen Aniston and it's back on. She is originally from Spain and has thick accent. There's really no story here unless you see her boobs. (Fig. 2) Oooh, pictures from Blake Lively's Roaring 20s birthday party! (Fig. 3). Lastly: Tyra Banks is "160 lbs. and loving it!"
Grade: C (atrophy)


Star
"My Dinner With Brad." Exclusive fiasco in Toronto! Here is the next chapter in the novella which has been going on in Star, which began with a phone call from Jen to Brad. The story unfolds thusly: Jen got really excited about meeting up with Brad in Toronto at the Film Festival. Actually, the magazine got really excited, printing lines like: "Where would the rendezvous take place? What would Jen wear? Would there be tears? Hugs? A peck on the cheek?" But in the end, Jen and Brad never even saw each other. Sob. Moving on: Christina Applegate's rocker boyfriend, Martyn Lenoble, proposed to her several times and she finally accepted, because she was impressed with how he stepped up and took care of her during her cancer treatment. Christina's rep denies the actress is engaged, but a friend says she loves the water and is thinking about getting married at sea. Next: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are mommies to be! A baby is the only thing missing from their relationship, says the mag! "They both think that Samantha's older brother, Mark Ronson, would be the perfect sperm donor," a pal tells Star. LL wants four kids. Lastly: Jamie-Lynn Spears is writing Bristol Palin a letter, warning her not to marry her baby daddy.
Grade: C+ (apathy)


Us
"Anna Nicole's Baby Turns 2!" Dannielynn is a normal two-year-old. Larry Birkheard seems like a good dad and is really into her, says Intern Margaret. What's more revealing is how Birkhead makes references to abusive things that Anna Nicole used to do to him: Anna used to slap him when he took unflattering pictures of her, force him to rub her feet, call him "dummy" and change the channel while he was watching TV. Also inside: The mag compares the bodies of the chicks on 90210 today as compared to the ladies on 90210 in the 1990s and and a Beverly Hills weight management expert proclaims that the actresses on the new 90210 appear "undernourished." The magazine also casts "Election: The Movie." Yes, Tina Fey plays Sarah Palin. (Fig. 4) Next: Did you know that Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline were both groomsmen at the wedding of their mutual friend, choreographer Marty Kudelka? They were cordial but distant. Lastly: There's a six page "Back To School Special" with old yearbook pictures of celebs… Fergie with her old nose! Penn Badgley with chubby cheeks!
Grade: B- (mild interest)


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Welcome to 'Fine Lines', the Friday feature in which we give a sentimental, sometimes-critical, far more wizened look at the children's and YA books we loved in our youth. This week, writer / reviewer / blogger Lizzie Skurnick reads Beverly Cleary's 1963 novel 'Sister of the Bride', in which Barbara McClane discovers she's more than just a member of the wedding.

Is it possible to write a feminist novel featuring a cunning lace jacket and the baking of many batches of Snickerdoodles? Giving it the old college try is Beverly Cleary, best known for the unsinkable Ramona Quimby, not her many novels of young love — though many of them put as profound a spin on adolescent girldom as Ramona does on a girl's childhood.

When we meet Barbara McClane, she is a junior in high school, a scant — in her optimistic view — two years behind her sister Rosemary, who's just announced she's marrying her college beau, Greg. Barbara, painfully stuck at home spatting with her younger brother Gordy, is at that mutable age where one's personality seems as up for debate as health care reform, and Rosemary — a chilly, eminently more sophisticated moon — is currently the tidal draw towards which Rosemary is pulled.

While Barbara toils along, hounded by the family Siamese, teased by her father, and seemingly only tolerated by her busy mother, Rosemary is newly slim, getting exposed to Plato and psychology, beloved by a former Air Force captain, and otherwise enjoying all the intellectual and emotional fruits available to a liberated woman of the early 1960s.

Barbara is desperate to be similarly liberated, but her own prospects for the future, school- and boy-wise seem dim. Not only are her grades endangering her future at Cal, her current swains are only the moody neighbor Tootie Bodger, a trombonist with a desperate crush on Barbara, and Bill Cunningham, who appears, dashingly, on his Vespa to flirt with Barbara and gobble up all the cookies, then departs before asking her out.

But when Rosemary announces her impending wedding, she pounces: "Maybe at last she had found what she wanted to do...get married in two years like Rosemary." If she can't live Rosemary's new, sophisticated life, she can at least, for one day, live her wedding.

As befits a dreamer casting about for a dream, Barbara's idea of a wedding is born from the bright pages of magazines she studies busily, involving flowing veils, handsome groomsmen, exquisite flowers, and other celebratory perks. In her world, a wedding is less an event than spiritual Kabuki, aesthetics and accoutrement reflecting the purity and poetry of true love.

But Rosemary, newly practical and modern, is irritatingly unwilling to invest in this fantasy. Her post-pillbox view of marriage involves a small wedding, a suit, brown towels, and, ideally, hand-thrown pottery. Engagement rings are "middle-class," presents mean she and Greg will be plagued by "things," and she's going to finish school, not drop out to be a better wife — because Greg thinks school will make her "a better wife and mother." Rosemary and Barbara's mother is bemused, their grandmother aghast, but Rosemary deeply crushed:

She's overdoing it all the way, thought Barbara. No pretty dishes, no pastel linens, that practical suit. The whole thing, from Barbara's point of view, was beginning to sound just plain dreary. If this went on, she and Greg would probably spend their honeymoon picketing something.

But if Rosemary's view of marriage leaves much to be desired, Barbara thinks the vision offered by her mother's generation is even worse. A member of a happy-housewife group called the Amys (Rosemary's college-educated verdict, much to the amusement of her parents, is that the Amys "don't use their minds"), Barbara's mother seems unduly concerned with the price of flowers and the length of the veil, practical matters Barbara thinks should be divorced from the altar's joys. When the Amys give Rosemary a shower complete with dishtowels, sequined oven-mitts and endless fish molds, Barbara lowers the boom: "There was no poetry in their soul. Just recipes."

But now Rosemary, who has finally accepted the idea of an engagement ring and veil, is starting to display a dismal household-drudge streak, too. She and Greg secure an apartment where they can exchange rent for being landlords, and Barbara, picturing a sleek, modern building or, alternately, charming old place crawling with plants, is dismayed about the actual digs: a gray, junky apartment with a taxi-yellow bathroom and a Murphy bed, in a building where Rosemary will be stuck lining the garbage cans with newspaper and cooking in the teeny kitchen. She thought the veil signified an acceptance of the frillier realm — but she is again brought down to earth. "And bragging about how she would clean those halls to pay the rent! What was the matter with her anyway? Had the poetry gone out of her soul, too?"

But the absolutely nadir occurs when Rosemary, who, in her new sophistication, is usually a dependable co-Snickerer at the Amys and her mother's generation, starts, appallingly to soften towards them:

"...but next semester I think I'll join the Dames."

"And what are the Dames?" demanded Barbara, beginning to undress.

"A club for wives of students," answered Rosemary.

"What do they do?" Barbara was always curious about university life.

"Oh—things like having someone talk on nutrition and how to get the most out of the food dollar," said Rosemary.

At least this was on a higher plane than the Amys, who were inclined to exchange cooky recipes. It was evidence that the Dames used their minds.

"And at the end of the semester there is a party," continued Rosemary with a mischievous smile. "That is when the girls who work while their husbands go to school are awarded their Ph.T. degree."

Barbara had heard of a Ph.D. degree, but never of a Ph.T. This was a new one. "What does that stand for?" she asked, pulling on her nightgown.

"Putting Hubby through," answered Rosemary, laughing.

Barbara groaned. "They sound every bit as bad as the Amys. Worse, even."

"Maybe," agreed Rosemary, "but they have fun." She thought a moment before she said, "And so do the Amys."

It's interesting, on the cusp of the feminist movement with its cowl-neck-sporting support groups, Cleary chose to offer a defense of the women's support groups that already did exist. Gazing with bemusement on the psychobabble-spouting co-eds in muumus who think women should use their minds but can't finish a dress, Cleary, through Barbara, emphasizes that the Amys are more than smug Hockey moms (whose hypocrisy I imagine Cleary would happily skewer, too):

There was actually a variety of women in the room—the Amy who wore leather sandals and wove her own skirts, another who was active in the League of Women Voters, the mother whose calm was never disturbed by her six children, a mother who wanted to write but could not find time, an Amy whose rough hands and deep tan were the results of hours spent in her hillside garden.

There might be something silly about sequin-trimmed oven mitts — but it's not clear it's any less silly than only wanting hand-thrown poetry and brown towels. Cleary's housewives, and Rosemary, aren't just housewives—Barbara's mother works, both for money and enjoyment, and if Rosemary rolls her hair, she rolls it while studying Plato. Even Barbara has to admit that the Amys, who take on the flowers, food and sewing needs of the wedding, have impressive and useful skills: "The Amys had many talents...Barbara and her mother were most grateful of all to the Amy who dropped in to admire the wedding presents, and watched Millie stolidly sewing her way through the sea-spray organza, and simply took the whole thing away from her and that morning had returned it, complete and pressed."

This may explain why, playing at wifely helpmeet, Barbara starts to chafe at Bill, who kills his chances with her when he has the audacity to blow past cookies and bring her a shirt to mend because she seems so "domestic":

She discovered she was tired of baking cookies for that—cooky hound. She was tired of trying to win him, and as for her daydreams about getting married someday, she found them so silly she was embarrassed even thinking about them. Imagine living in an apartment like Rosemary's with Bill Cunningham and washing his socks. Never, never, never!

Domesticity, Barbara is learning, isn't a coy blind thrown up to catch a man. It's a battery of practical skills — or, at a level that strains towards its own poetry, a dingy, fond expression of love:

Not everything about Rosemary's life was wrong. There was Greg. And marriage was not something out of the slick and colorful pages of a magazine. It was not just parties and new clothes and flowers and a wedding veil....It was a lot of other things, too, like love and trust and living within one's income and, in Rosemary and Greg's case, putting their educations ahead of their immediate comfort. Why, Rosemary was prepared to do all of this cheerfully, even gaily, and it had not even occurred to her that she was being brave or self-sacrificing. She was doing it because she loved Greg and had faith in his future.

And for the first time the thought came to Barbara that Greg was lucky to be marrying her sister.

By the end of the book, Barbara has happily tosses aside her bouquet dreams — as well as her desire to follow in Rosemary's footsteps. She's not going to pin her future on a hazy groomsman, she's going to figure out what kind of people she likes and what kind of person she is. And, as Barbara looks forward to figuring out if prefers Tootie to Bill and what courses she'd like to take at Cal, in its greatest irony, a cheery book about an early wedding becomes an argument for anything but.

• • • • •

But just because Beverly Clearly cleverly slipped her feminism in on the sly doesn't mean you don't have to fling off your undergarments and set them afire on occasion just to keep the powers that be fully alert. I mention today's NPR bra-burning story because SHELF PLEASURING fans may have pricked up their ears at the mention of one of the rabble-rousers, Alix Kate Shulman, whose MEMOIRS OF AN EX-PROM QUEEN is one of the more fun (explicitly) feminist novels ever written. It's replete with dirty losses of virginity in parking lots and sexy snorkeling, and I highly recommend. Thanks to whatever Amazon reader provided this cover scan:

On to the Plotfinder of two weeks ago. Strangely enough, NO ONE knew it, or everyone was too obsessed with incest to attend to it at that moment. Anyone who wants to take a crack at duck imprinting is MORE than welcome to go for it.

For this week, I thought we'd try a different kind of Plotfinder, one hatched by my 19 months of rummaging through the 9 trillion books that will appear in what I currently enjoy calling THE BOOK.

Welcome to FACEFINDER! What is Facefinder? Well In the old days, YA covers used to wend towards photographs or paintings OF photographs, a technique that has sadly been entirely obviated by Photoshop. Anyway, some of these cover models were child actors...and some went on to become FAMOUS PERSONAGES. Or at least, I think they did. I can assure you that the first of these covers IS actually the actor (she is one of those actresses who insists on being called actors) in question. The next, I am 90% sure is the person I think it is, and the third, I just like to believe is.

In any case, can you name these three? First person to get them all correct (i.e. agree with me) wins a column choice. As always, put your answer in the comments, or email them to me at jezziefinelines@gmail.com.

BEHOLD!

Now, for next month's reading. In the upcoming weeks, please look forward to:

Next Friday:

Belles on their Toes (guested by the beautiful and talented Laura Lippman)

The Friday after:

A Ring of Endless Light

and the next Friday....

And This is Laura!

Speaking of THE BOOK. Yes, the Book! Do you want to be the first to hear any announcements, goodies, info or planned devilment thereof? (-on? -in? -abouts?) Of course you do! Especially since I will be ANNOUNCING THE TITLE, AND SUBSCRIBERS WILL FIND OUT WHAT IT IS FIRST, IF I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO SET UP A MAILING LIST!

To get on the mailing list, you may click here to send an email to sign up (thanks to Erika V. for THE POP-UP CODE!] or simply send an email to jezziefinelines@gmail.com with the words OBVIOUSLY I AM GOING TO KNOW FIRST in the subject line. I am sort of in love with this title and eager to share it with you, and I hope you will love it too.

I also need your help. (This is the longest afterward EVER; I apologize.) I am in need of hi-res scans for these two covers. Do you have them? Do you have a scanner that can do 360 dpi, too? You are the best. Please email them to me at jezziefinelines@gmail.com.

Do you have any other demands, desires or prognostications? Terrif! Simply email me at jezziefinelines@gmail.com to let me know. I cannot answer every email (marvelous intern candidates, you will hear from me soon!!!!!!), but trust that I use them ALL to subvert the dominant paradigm.

Sister Of The Bride [Amazon]
Lizzie Skurnick [The Old Hag]

Earlier: Bridge To Terabithia: Troubling The Waters
•Flowers In The Attic: He Ain't Sexy, He's My Brother
•A Little Princess: A Reversal Of Four Buns
• Tiger Eyes: Cuando Los Lagartijos Corren
•Homecoming: A Dicey Prospect
• Go Ask Alice: Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
• The Wolves Of Willoughby Chase: Life's A Bitch And So Is The Governess
•Stranger With My Face: Stop Projecting
•Happy Endings Are All Alike: The Price Of Fault
•The Pigman: A Day No Friends Would Die
•Julie Of The Wolves: The Call Of The Wild
• Deenie: Brace Yourself
•A Wrinkle In Time: Quit Tesseracting Up
•Love Is One Of The Choices: No, Not That 'Sex And The City'
•The Girl With The Silver Eyes: Little Pitchers Have Big Pharma
•Starring Sally J. Freedman As Herself: Springtime For Hitler, Part II
•Summer Of My German Soldier: Springtime For Hitler, Part I
•From The Mixed-Up Files Of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler: City Of Angels
•A Gift Of Magic: Totally Psyched
•Are You There Crazy Psychic Muse? It's Me, Lois Duncan
•The Secret Garden: Still No Idea What A Missel Thrush Is
•To All My Fans, With Love, From Sylvie: No Telephone To Child Services
•The Westing Game: Partners In Crime
• The Moon By Night: Travels With Vicky
•My Sweet Audrina: The Book Of Sister And Forgetting
•The Long Secret: CSI: Puberty
•The Cat Ate My Gymsuit: A Pocket Full Of Orange Pits
•The Witch Of Blackbird Pond: Colonies, Slit Sleeves And Stocks, Oh My!
•Are You In The House Alone? One Out Of Four, Maybe More
•Jacob Have I Loved: Oh, Who Am I Kidding, I Reread This Book Once A Week
• Then Again, Maybe I Won't: Close Your Eyes, And Think Of Jersey City
•My Darling, My Hamburger: I Will Gladly Pay You Tomorrow For A D&C Today
•All-Of-A-Kind Family: Where I Would Put Something Yiddish If I Thought You Goyishe Farshtinkiners Would Farshteyn
•Island Of The Blue Dolphins: I'm A Cormorant And I Don't Care
•Little House In The Big Woods: I Play With A Pig Bladder Like It's A Balloon
•The Grounding Of Group Six: Have Fun At School, Kids, And Don't Forget To Die

Life & Style
"Brad & Angie Vs. Tom & Katie: Showdown!" This bizarre story is crafted around the fact that when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt costarred in Interview With The Vampire in 1994, Tom was a megastar and Brad was on the rise; now Tom is a falling star and Brad "lives every day like it's the weekend." Apparently since Angelina was being considered for the lead role in Edwin A. Salt, when Tom was supposed to have that part, these couples are having a "secret feud." So secret they don't even know! Katie and Tom have negative Scientology publicity and Angie and Brad are charitable do-gooders, blah blah blah, it's a fabrication and a yawn. Moving on: "Britney Gets Justin Back" is about how the two are recording a duet for her new album. Madonna and Guy are "staying together for the kids" but the same story says "they are feeling very positive about their relationship." Other than that there are just lots of clothes and makeup in this mag. The editors should just have a stylish cover instead of a "news-y" one.
Grade: F (Forwarded religious "joke" email)


OK!
There are two covers: The front is Barack Obama and his family with the line "Life With My Girls." The back, upside down cover is Sarah Pailn: "A Mother's Painful Choice." Most of the Sarah Palin story is information that has already been reported, though you may not know that she went to 3 different colleges in Idaho before graduating from the University Of Idaho. On to Senator Obama: His daughters, Sasha and Malia were jumping up and down the whole time he gave his acceptance speech; backstage, the whole family had a two-minute group hug. The mag says: "Amazing yes, but not out of the ordinary for the tight-knit Obamas, who, according to insiders, are such an all-American family, they almost make the Brady Bunch look dysfunctional." There are quotes from Poppy Montgomery and Wilmer Valderrama, who are impressed with his parenting style. Next: The OK! Poll of Who Has The Firmest Melons made us want to die (Fig. 1). Lastly: Anne Hathaway wants to get back in the dating game — what better place than the DNC? She was seen dancing with actor Josh Lucas but also gave her number to some civilian. The mag suggests that Luke Russert would be a good match for Anne.
Grade: D- (ALL CAPS EMAIL)


Star
"The Fight For Baby Maddie." Days after her daughter was born, Jamie Lynn discovered that Casey cheated on her with yet another woman: His former high school classmate Andrea Revels, 20. (Not to be confused with Kelli Dawson, 28 who told In Touch she slept with Casey when JLS was six months pregnant.) JLS has given Casey a 7pm curfew and he has to be available by cell phone at all times, no excuses. He had to give her all his email and voicemail passwords and she asked him to attend couples counseling with her. Right now JLS is living at her mom's house in Louisiana and not at the house she shared with Casey in Mississippi, so Casey might fight her for money and custody. He definitely doesn't want to lose his meal ticket, since JLS used to pay for everything. Britney and Lynne Spears may try to pay Casey off to get him to disappear. Next: Gossip Girl Leighton Meester's mother, father, grandfather and aunt all did hard time in Federal prisons for drug dealing. Her aunt, Judy Haas McNelis was the first woman ever on the US Marshal Service's 15 most wanted list. She smuggled a hacksaw into jail! Britney and Adnan are back on: A friend called and Britney said, "We're in bed. And we're going to take a bath together soon." Also inside: There's an entire page devoted to the fact that Eva Longoria's thighs are big. And they're guessing that she weighs a whopping 117 pounds. Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre! He's best known for his appearance in the 2001 comedy Super Troopers. Amanda Bynes has broken up with Seth MacFarlane. Madonna's daughter Lourdes was offered a role in The Secret Life of Bees but Madge doesn't want her to work until after high school. Lastly: Michael Phelps has a "secret lover" named Nicole Johnson, and she has been his girlfriend for a year. She's a former beauty queen from California and she may be moving in with Michael. She was in Beijing!
Grade: D+ (Chain letter email)


In Touch
"Doctors Fear That Angelina Is Now Battling Post Partum" Basically, unnamed sources claim that Angie is listless and just wants to nap lately and doctors who don't treat her say: "Women with twins can be totally overwhelmed" so it could be post partum. Meanwhile, she is "isolated" because she lives in the French countryside and has no friends and Brad is off partying in Venice with George Clooney. Part two of this "Moms In Crisis" package is Gwen Stefani's "Baby Weight Panic!"; and part three is "J.Lo Wants Her Life Back!" Gwen is worried she will not lose weight fast enough; Jennifer wants to get back to work. Moving on: Halle Berry's baby pictures, OMG. (Fig. 2) Intern Margaret says, "It's pretty cool she didn't sell them. Good for her." Next: Alec Baldwin wanted to kill himself after the audio of him yelling at his daughter was released. He thought about going on a hike in Massachusetts and shooting himself or overdosing in a bed and breakfast. He has a new autobiography coming out Sept. 23, which is why we're hearing about this. Also inside: Those kids from High School Musical make millions. Blake Lively is throwing a 21st birthday party with a Jazz age theme: Everyone better come in costume! There's a Gatsby quote on the invitation: "Can't repeat the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why, of course you can!'" Mandy Moore has a new man named Andre: He's an artist and she is three inches taller. Britney and Adnan are back on! He says she is his soul mate! She's in love! Lastly: Everyone is wearing Clark Kent glasses (fig 3).
Grade: C- (Nigerian Prince email)


Us
"Babies, Lies & Scandal." This is a round up of all of the gossip that we've heard about Governor Sarah Palin in the last week. The mag quotes a commenter on Yahoo!: "How can Palin help McCain keep America in control when she can't even keep her own daughter in control?" There's stuff about her husband, about her involvement in the Alaska Independence Party, which wants the state to seceed from the US, and there's a sidebar of about 5 other controversies that aren't even covered in the article. We really love the picture of her wearing an incorrectly punctuated T-shirt that reads, "I may be broke but, I'm not flat busted." It's right above the shot of her next to a bleeding caribou that's been shot in the face. (Pro life!) Moving on: There are cute pix of Halle Berry's baby, plus a chart of "Couples Who Pray Together Stay Together" (Jess Simpson & Tony Romo, Keisha & Justin Chambers, Spencer & Heidi). An interview with Isis King, the transgendered contestant from America's Next Top Model: "I used to wear silicone [breast enhancers] for shoots, but it's too hot with all that extra stuff. Most models don't have breasts anyway! I would also tape [my penis] at first, but since then I've found new ways to make everything smooth. What I use is like a thong. I made it myself with a piece of denim." She plans to have a sex change by her 25th birthday.
Grade: C (Sarah Palin rumor email)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

How Palin is Playing In The Supermarket Aisles [ABC News]