We all knew that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a testicularly prolific, Judge Judy-level sassy Constitutional originalist who probably turns his chair around backward before he sits in it because he doesn’t follow anyone’s rules* (*Except the Founding Fathers, and he’s a real nerd about it). But in an eye-opening interview with this week’s New York Magazine, he reveals that he’s so much more than the blustery conservative butt-boy you thought he was; turns out, he’s got no idea how to exist in the modern world. He’s an actual antique, like Encino Man, if Encino Man were capable of shaping America into a dystopian Handmaid’s Tale. So here are some things you might not have known that Antonin Scalia knows nothing about. Brace yourself! It’s scary!
Justice Scalia doesn’t know about any media that doesn’t play into Antonin Scalia’s pre-existing worldview.
What’s your media diet? Where do you get your news?
[Scalia and his wife, Maureen] just get The Wall Street Journal and the WashingtonTimes. We used to get the Washington Post, but it just … went too far for me. I couldn’t handle it anymore. […] It was the treatment of almost any conservative issue. It was slanted and often nasty. And, you know, why should I get upset every morning? I don’t think I’m the only one. I think they lost subscriptions partly because they became so shrilly, shrilly liberal.
(obligatory “Don’t call me shrilly” joke)
Justice Scalia is positive the devil is “a real person,” but he isn’t sure exactly how he’s deviling nowadays.
Can we talk about your drafting process—
[Leans in, stage-whispers.] I even believe in the Devil.
You do?
Of course! Yeah, he’s a real person. Hey, c’mon, that’s standard Catholic doctrine! Every Catholic believes that.
[…]
Have you seen evidence of the Devil lately?
You know, it is curious. In the Gospels, the Devil is doing all sorts of things. He’s making pigs run off cliffs, he’s possessing people and whatnot. And that doesn’t happen very much anymore.
Well, you’re saying the Devil is persuading people to not believe in God. Couldn’t there be other reasons to not believe?
Well, there certainly can be other reasons. But it certainly favors the Devil’s desires. I mean, c’mon, that’s the explanation for why there’s not demonic possession all over the place. That always puzzled me. What happened to the Devil, you know? He used to be all over the place. He used to be all over the New Testament.
[Leans in, stage whispers] Actually, in the Bible, it was Jesus, not Satan, who made the swine run into the ocean. It’s Mark Chapter 5 versus 11-13. Whoopsie-daisy.
Justice Scalia does not know what irony is.
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