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Occasionally some journalism will pop randomly across my screen and give me a jolting reminder that I have not always been the person I am today, that my opinions about many critical life-altering matters has changed, and today that story is Whose Red Lips Ruled The Emmies? (Heidi Klum's, but that's beside the point.) You see, in childhood I idolized characters I saw on Nick At Nite, most specifically Tina Cole, who played Robbie's wife on My Three Sons and is pictured after the jump, and anyway, the point of this is that the show made me want to go back in time so I could 1. have sex with Robbie, not that I knew what sex was at the time, and 2. buy white lipstick like Tina's, because they didn't sell it in the eighties, and the closest substitute was this sparkly CoverGirl stuff called "LipSlicks," which my mom nicknamed "sperm lips." More »
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