Spanx Jeans Will Not Save Your Ass From Itself

We all know that women loving shopping for jeans—it's right up there with bikini waxes and accidentally eating the other half of the pad thai you were supposed to save for tomorrow's lunch. There is, however, that one elusive yet glorious moment when you finally find the perfect pair of denim. And now Spanx, the world's most famous girdle company, would like to help you achieve that bliss.

You heard me right, ladies. Spanx jeans are now a buyable, wearable thing.

Debuting on the company's Web site last week and available in department stores Aug. 25, the jeans come in two styles, multiple cuts and three washes and are priced at $148. They promise "thigh-trimming construction" and stretch technology meant to smooth the tummy.

A hilariously faux-befuddled Robin Givhan documents her journey to understand what the hell Spanx jeans actually are. A casual browse through any department store reveals that there are already plenty of body-shaping denim options on the market and Spanx currently sells leggings and jeggings. So what makes these different? As it seems, nothing.

The whiskering is modest; the degree of stretch is generous. The slimming effects are negligible. And the fit is confusing. If the Spanx brand uses compression to smooth and shrink, doesn't that mean that Spanx jeans must fit snugly in order to accomplish those same wonders? And if the jeans fit that close to the body are they still jeans? Haven't they shrunk down into jeggings, which Spanx already has in its line?

I love it when she philosophizes on denim.

Givhan had an even more difficult time trying to get to the bottom of what exactly the Spanx magic consisted of. After stumping the Spanx communications team and later the merchandising team, Givhan finally heard from Spanx creator herself, Sara Blakely.

"The magic of Spanx does not come in the tightness of the jean," Blakely says in an e-mail, "but in the Spanx magic tummy panel hidden inside the Slim-X jean and in a uniquely designed wide, shaping waistband on The Signature style. So, all the results are achieved through hidden panels and Triple Thread Technology."

Right. So, no one really understands.

I'm sorry to say that Spanx jeans will probably not change your life. Ryan Gosling will likely not be leaving Eva high and dry after catching a glimpse of you in your Spanx jeans. You thighs will not look any slimmer than they already do in your favorite pair of dark-washed whiskered denim.

But really, and the question nobody seems to be asking, who wants to feel like they're being squeezed to death by Spanx in a pair of jeans anyway?

Image via Spanx