Searching for the perfect gift for that coffee snob in your life? Well, look no further, because you can now buy human shit coffee beans! Previously, if you wanted to buy shit beans, you could only get them from civets and elephants, but fuck that! Now you can buy one-hundred-percent Grade A (?) human feces beans. Progress!
For now, it's available only via Craigslist, once this hits the internet, I'm sure a craze will rock this caffeinated nation. Check out their ad:
I'm a home roaster and I'm noticing in the newpapers that animal poop coffee is really popular and expensive. I've been growing yellow bourbon arabica in my greenhouse for a couple of years and it's finally starting to produce quality cherry. I will personally ingest this cherry and mimic the "kopi luwak" process. I will roast this coffee so that it's ready to brew, in time for the holidays. I will be able to harvest only a couple of pounds of this special kind of coffee so act now before it's too late.
I'm 47, healthy, and will guarantee you'll like my kopi luwak style coffees. Fecal specimens available for inspection upon request.
Gross, but do you think this could be the beginning of a trend? Portland's employment crisis is finally solved, as part-time pizza cooks and intern ceramic factory workers find their true calling in life: shitting into a box and selling it to other people on the Internet. Thousands of tattooed ovo-lacto pescatarians perched like hens, reading Adbusters and laying their perfectly formed eggs. Bonus? The owners don't even have to give mandatory bathroom breaks because guess what? Those fuckers are on the toilet all day long.
Until then, a pound of the crap coffee will cost you $30. Naturally, it's available for home delivery in Portland.