Someone Please Help Justin Bieber Rebel

Justin Bieber’s family is apparently mad that he got a tattoo — of the word “Jesus.” Somebody needs to teach this kid how to be a real teenager.

For those who aren’t monitoring every inch of his skin with minute concentration, the Bieb was spotted with a tattoo reading “Jesus” in Hebrew last month. Family members are apparently mad, but come on — this is basically the most innocuous tatt you could possibly get. Bieber’s previous rebellions include kissing his girlfriend in Hawaii, possibly conspiring to get her to remove her promise ring, and replacing his famous hairdo with a slightly updated but still totally class-picture-appropriate style. Where are the nose piercings? The fast cars? The kegs?

Look, I get that Bieber’s squeaky-fuckin-cleanness has been an important part of his image. But he’s seventeen now, and nobody can be made of bubblegum forever. If Bieber wants to maintain enduring popularity — and if he wants to be a normal human being — it’s time for him to let loose a little. First of all, may we suggest a real tattoo? I’m thinking a piece of poo or maybe a horrifying Frankenlady. Or just “Selena Forever” scrawled across his chest — you know, something he’ll have to change to “Seeya Forever” or something (a la Johnny Depp) after their eventual breakup.

Speaking of Selena, maybe it’s time for him to date outside the Pantheon of Inoffensive Teen Cuteness. I could see him and Taylor Momsen steaming up some award show red carpets together — she could teach him to wear eyeliner and give angsty interviews about how hard it is to grow up in the public eye. Or maybe Evan Rachel Wood could help him unleash his inner Marilyn Manson. Sure, she’s an older woman at 23, but in Canada, Bieb is legal now — the sky’s the limit.

But man (or man-boy) cannot survive on love alone — Bieber also needs a mentor to show him how to put his grownup pants on. I’d suggest John Mayer for his bad-boy sensibility, but he might just teach Bieb to be a weirdo and a racist. Maybe instead, Leonardo DiCaprio could show him how a pretty boy becomes a sex symbol, or George Clooney could teach him how to appreciate whiskey and romance Italian women. Perhaps Zach Galifinakis could step in to explain how to be more surly — not to mention hairy. Ultimately, I don’t care who takes Bieber under his (or her) wing, as long as it’s someone who can take him out of the womb and into the world — and let him know that when it comes to making Mom mad, he can do a lot better than a Jesus tattoo.