Hey, what’s the weather outside your window like? Where I live, in New York next to a trash truck depot, it’s terrible and cold and raining. It looks like parts of the south have been visited by similar bad luck, which really makes you wonder: What are you going to do with all those hot dogs?
First off, why did you buy so many hot dogs? Eight of the 20 people you invited to your cook-out are vegan; the other half already ate before they got to your place. Brittany brought her own single chicken breast, which is weird but it’s her life I guess. Then the rains came and forced everyone inside, and the upshot is that now you’re alone, in your apartment, surrounded by a whole platoon of uncooked hot dogs. Okay. What should we do now? Well, I’ll tell you.
Hot Dog Fight
You haven’t lived until you’ve been pummeled by a fusillade of hot dogs raining upon you in an open field. The hot dogs sting as they slap your face, but you take little notice—you’re too busy returning fire. When you need a snack, simply snatch one out of the air and take a bite. Delicious.
Capture the Flag
The hot dog is the flag.
Hot Dog Shake
Step One: Blend the hot dog.
Step Two: Also blend the condiments, bun.
Step Three: Pour into a glass.
Step Four: Bottom’s up!
Step Five: ??
Ha ha! The laughs you’ll get when they discover it’s a hot dog.
Among the many misconceptions surrounding hot dogs is the idea that they don’t make elegant garnishes. They do. They make lovely garnishes. Lots of people (MARTHA) will tell you to settle for a drizzle of olive oil; a dusting of chives; a sprig of parsley. Buck convention, I shriek! Throw the sprig in the trash, the chives out the window, the olive oil in the fire! Be bold! Chop the hot dog up and arrange it along plate’s edge, or dump it there whole. The world is your hot dog, and the only limit is your mind (and hot dog supply).
The Flower Industrial Complex wants you to think daffodils are the only thing that look beautiful in a vase of water. You know better. Next Mother’s Day, treat mom to what she really wants: A bundle of moldering, processed meat tubes, bound together with a ribbon. You’re welcome.
String the ‘dogs together using a needle and thread, and loop them around your waist. Wow, you look great. Alternatively, you can also fashion your string of hot dogs into a lasso to wrangle the haters.
That’s all. That’s everything you can do with a hot dog. Anything else is gross or illegal.