Some Jerks Think Diana Nyad Faked Her Amazing Cuba-To-Florida Swim

Before the salt water had even evaporated from superhuman Diana Nyad’s magical swim cap, other people in the long distance swimming community were all lined up with their suspiciously sour grapes-y doubts that maybe the 64-year-old had somehow faked part of her inspiring swim from Cuba to Florida. And they’ve got some pretty creative conspiracy theories.

According to the New York Times, Nyad naysayers have popped up on marathon swimming message boards in the week and change since Nyad’s record-setting swim. No one was filming her for the entire time, they say. Others point out that there were moments in the swim when Nyad was going much faster than her usual slow-ish speed. Still others note that the two people who were aboard her vessel independently observing Nyad’s swim weren’t appropriate because they knew her already or something and might have lied. Ah, the internet. A great place to let your asshole shine.

And finally, there’s Bonnie Schwartz, who sounds like she doesn’t like Nyad very much in a quote she gave the Times,

“Nyad owes the swim world a look at her data and absolute transparency about how she was able to cross a waterway that has crippled other, younger swimmers,” said Bonnie Schwartz, a New York City resident who crossed the English Channel in 2005. “We’re her peers. She’s not above us.”

What; YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME?! Well you’re NOT, Diana Nyad! (Bonnie Schwartz laughs maniacally while poking needles into swim cap-wearing voodoo doll. Pan out to reveal wall decorated with large Xeroxed photos of Diana Nyad’s face filled with small dart holes.)

Nyad’s people have dismissed the criticism, using data on particularly favorable ocean currents to explain Nyad’s increased speed. The independent observer choice was borne of necessity and availability, they say. And the video camera thing? Meh. Sorry guys. She swam it. Get over it.

But I, for one, am not willing to accept that Diana Nyad’s scientifically sound explanation so easily, and I hope those in the marathon swimming community consider these other possible ways that Nyad faked her inspiring swim:

rode on back of friendly shark named Bruno (best shark name)
doggy paddled part of the way (doggy paddling isn’t real swimming)
is an Animorph; morphed into dolphin and then changed back real quick
used magic spell to make ocean move faster; magic is not permitted in swimming
receives preferential treatment from Poseidon since she drunkenly let him motorboat her after an office happy hour in 2007.
can turn into a submarine like the Batmobile in the old Adam West Batmans.