Solange Makes First Appearance Since ElevatorGate and It Looks Staged

Solange Knowles was photographed in public in New Orleans on May 14, 2014, with her boyfriend, director Alan Ferguson. The photographs only tell part of the story, so we’re “forced” to use our own imagination and provide a possible narrative.

ALAN: What are you thinking about?

SOLANGE: Um, I’m thinking about how the entire Internet has seen me KICK ASS. I was kickboxfighting in a couture gown like what. I win this week. Obviously.

ALAN: Are you upset?

SOLANGE: What? Nah! But there’s a paparazzo hiding over there and I feel like it would be cool to seem emotional. I can pretend to have a little breakdown or something. Maybe you should hug me?

SOLANGE: Perfect, perfect. Is the photographer still there? Is he getting this?

ALAN: Yep.

SOLANGE: Cool. Now let me see what folks are saying on Twitter.

SOLANGE: The #WhatJaySaidToSolange hashtag is HIGH-LARIOUS. And they changed my Wikipedia entry! “Jay Z’s 100th problem.” I’m going to put that on a business card.

SOLANGE: The best part? People think the video was real, and not an elaborate promotion to sell concert tickets orchestrated by the Beygency Illuminati. Just wait until the three of us reunite when I make a surprise appearance on stage. WE’RE GOING TO BREAK THE INTERNET.