“Sunday Routine” is a weekly New York Times feature that exists primarily to shame the contingent of the city inclined to wake up just as the sun is setting, one shoe still dangling from the toes of a hungover foot. But not this week!

This week’s installment features SNL’s Vanessa Bayer, who, OK, is obviously not a deadbeat at all. She gets home at 5 a.m. because she was working, but if you squint really hard it’s possible to read “working” as “binge drinking,” especially if you’re still drunk! So what does Vanessa Bayer do when she finally wakes up around 3 p.m.? Not a damn thing.

My TV is in an entertainment center. You have to open the doors for the remote to work, so I open those and then I sit down on my couch. I’ll forget my slippers upstairs and I’ll be like, “Ugh! I have to go upstairs to get them.” It’s like eight stairs. But stairs are stairs.

Yes they are, girl. After she’s retrieved her slippers, Bayer will take some time to not shower before ordering a bagel and coffee, which will inevitably find a way to disappoint her. She’ll pool some energy to make a tweet, and then order a bunch of things I’d not have previously thought deliverable, like microwaveable popcorn.

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Bayer’s relatability is tarnished somewhat when she mentions her doorman, but it’s restored when you pretend that what she meant was “roommate.” Vanessa Bayer: she’s just like us! Except that she can do this.

Image via Getty.