Welcome to Shade Court! Fourth of July! Independence! Magic Mike XXL is out! Let’s continue the theme of all things America with a bit of litigiousness.
In this week’s Shade Court, Britney Spears goes hard in the paint, Tracee Ellis Ross tries to keep it together and is shade worse when its from an inanimate object?
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000102
The Case: Get ready for some deep soccer knowledge that I picked up during a six minute Wikipedia session. Landon Donovan, the only male American soccer player I can name, was not chosen to play on the U.S. National Team for the 2014 World Cup. The veteran player was apparently none too pleased with this decision made by head coach Jurgen Klinsmann.
During the Women’s World Cup semifinal match between the United States and Germany, Landon fired off a tweet about the importance of player Abby Wambach, who has also been around the block a few times.
The Defendant: Rolling Stone
The Deliberation: Ok, Rolling Stone, chill a bit. “Subtweet shade” is not a thing. A subtweet can be shady—let’s be real, it usually is—but what you’re not going to do is run around making up types of shade like there’s any room in this lane for you.
The way he used a compliant of another player as a Trojan horse for an attack on his old coach was brilliant. There’s passive aggressive and then there’s this tweet.
I bet you he’s been planning this one for awhile.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000103
The Case: Tracee Ellis Ross co-hosted the BET Awards last Sunday. As part of her duties, she was tasked with the difficult job of introducing a performance by Chris Brown and Tyga. (It’s a miracle the stage didn’t collapse under their collective fuckboy-ness, but, I digress.)
This is what happened when she introduced the pair.
The Defendant: Many
The Deliberation: “Young, sexy and black.”
“Young, sexy and black.”
“Young, sexy and black.”
You know when Tracee read those words the first thing that popped into her head was how in the hell she going to keep a straight face on-air. LOOK HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT.
For her part, Tracee tried to get ahead of the shadestorm and posted this message on Twitter.
Girl, don’t nobody believe that. I can believe that MAYBE you were nervous, but Tyga? That is not hard to say. And even if I did believe that you were simply pausing to think about the pronunciation of his name, what the hell was up with that tone? I have never heard a vocal inflection so clearly say: “I do not take this person the least bit seriously.”
Besides, your mother is Diana Ross—throwing shade is in your genetic makeup,
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000104
The Case: Karma finally seems to be catching up with Iggy Azalea. The Australian “rapper” recently had to cancel her tour. If you believe Iggy and her publicists, it was canceled because she wanted to go in a different creative direction and wait until her next album drops. If you have a shred of common sense, you know that the tour was canceled because nobody was buying tickets to hear her wack-ass mumble onstage for two hours.
On top of that, her latest single with Britney Spears, “Pretty Girls,” was a big ‘ol belly flop because it is a shitty song.
Now, imagine you’re a horrendously bad “rapper” who hasn’t been in the game for very long. Would you just cut your losses, accept the failures and focus on your next steps? Or would you do what Igloo did and publicly talk shit about one of the biggest pop stars of all time?
Yep, Iggy took to Twitter and basically blamed the song’s failure on the fact that Britney Spears didn’t do any promotion. She tried to relinquish even more responsibility by nothing that she was only “featured” on the track, as if that matters at all here.
So, that was dumb.
The next day, Britney dropped this bomb:
The Defendant: SERIOUSLY ALL OF YOU
The Deliberation: Because a few of the above outlets made this mistake, let’s be clear that Iggy’s drivel was not shade. Sure, she didn’t come out and say: “Britney Spears fucked everything up,” but she came as close to that as possible.
Also, let’s not go crazy with all that, “Britney Spears is the queen of shade,” mumbo jumbo. Homegirl did good—but it takes more than this to be a true Shade Queen.
To the larger point: yeah, Brit Brit killed it. After fifteen years in the industry, she’s got that whole faux sugary sweet act down like paying the bills depends on it.
So thankful I have shows for the rest of the year to look forward to...
That is what undermining someone’s entire career in a single sentence looks like.
She probably should have left out that hashtag which I assume was meant to be both promo for her single and a final parting shot, but it’s an accessory that this Tweet does not need. I mean, damn Britney. I didn’t know you had this in you. Respect.
The Ruling: Shade, honey
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000105
The Case: Cellphones are weird.
It seems that when you ask Siri what zero divided by zero is, she responds with:
Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends,” Siri answers. “How many cookies does each person get? See? It doesn’t make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies, and you are sad that you have no friends.
The Defendant: MTV, Mashable
The Deliberation: Siri’s response is rude as hell. She and whatever software developers programmed her are not at all trying to hide the fact that they think you’re a total moron who didn’t pay attention in fifth grade math class.
You know what would have been closer to shade: If, upon asking this question, your phone just shut off—thereby letting the user know that they’re too stupid to even be allowed to operate a cell phone.
Snarky? Yes-excellent snark. Shade? Not in my court.
The Ruling: Not shade
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Images via Getty; Wikipedia. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.