Sarah Palin, a human angry telephone call from an apoplectic aunt whose opinion you long ago stopped valuing, is BACK (I didn't realize that she'd gone away, otherwise I'd had spent more time cherishing my precious Palin-free days). The former Alaska governor and current Alaska embarrassment's recent media blitz has been characterized by an apparent renewed zeal for saying batshit insane things. The latest? The federal debt is like slavery, and an organized army of atheist Scrooges are trying to murder Christmas.
The "X is like slavery" comment came at an Iowa event, and it was actually the least crazy thing she said during the speech. Here's the quote, from the Des Moines Register,
Our free stuff today is being paid for by taking money from our children and borrowing from China. When that money comes due – and this isn't racist, but it'll be like slavery when that note is due. We are going to beholden to the foreign master.
Racism spotting tip: if someone says "Not to be racist," or "this isn't racist but..." then something really fucking racist is about to go down. Just strap in and prepare.
But then Palin went into what her speech was really about — promoting her book about the "war on Christmas." More from the Register,
"Christmas is under attack," she said.
Palin quickly acknowledged that she has a new book coming out next week on exactly that topic. It also, she said, includes a moose chili recipe. "Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas" will be released on Tuesday with an official launch in the town of Bethlehem in Pennsylvania.
"I say in a very jolly Christmasy way: 'Enough is enough,'" she said. "Enough is enough of this politically correct police out there that is acting to erode our freedom to celebrate and exercise our faith."
Apparently in Alaska, this is a widespread problem: secular atheists, hepped up on books and ravaged by Bleak Midwinter Fever, regularly break into the churches and homes of Palinesque Christians and really grinch up the joint. They even steal the last can of Who-Hash! NO ONE CAN CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, NOBODY! they shout gleefully as they swallow Baby Manger Jesus whole and chase it with a slice of fruitcake. FOR WE ARE ATHEISTS AND OUR WHOLE *THING* IS MAKING IT SO OTHER PEOPLE CAN'T DO THINGS IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOMES AND HOUSES OF WORSHIP! Bahahahahahaha (etc — the ba ha ha ha-ing goes on for several minutes. Atheists are just that evil).
Then, today, still promoting her whackadoodle book that isn't even expressing any new ideas, Palin had another one of her trademark bizarre interviews with mainstream journalists.
After giving one of the most convoluted explanations of the Republican health care plan of all time, Matt Lauer asked her about her new book. And this is what she said:
Well I hope you read the book because I'm not saying it's too commercialized. I love the commercialization of Christmas because it spreads the Christmas cheer. It's the most jolly holiday— obviously — on our calendar. It's wonderful.
What I'm saying is we need to protect the heart of Christmas and not let an angry atheist armed with an attorney, a SCROOGE, tell us that we can't celebrate traditional faith in America. We have a constitutionally protected right to celebrate faith and Christmas is a part of that. And today on Veterans day of all days we should be cognizant of the fact that sacrifices have been made for these freedoms we are so appreciative, thankful for America's freedoms, and we want to protect them. Not just that spirit of Christmas but overall our constitutional right to exercise our faith.
This is a pretty accurate representation of Sarah Palin's views on Christmas. Here's a small excerpt from her book which, by the way, sounds awesome.
We've all run into those who don't quite seem to have the joy of the season in their hearts and minds—at the mall when there are too few parking spaces for last-minute shoppers, at the office party when someone has too much eggnog, at home when the kids eat all the decorated chocolate peanut butter balls you wrapped for neighbors, or at the in-laws' when the toddler finally smashes the shiny glass tree ornaments. We've all—at times—lost sight of the true meaning of the season. But there are many people who haven't merely lost, misplaced, or forgotten the true meaning of Christmas, they're trying to actively target it to destroy it. And these true Scrooges have a frightening amount of power.
This modern-day Scrooge—lets call him "Joe McScrooge" for short—threatens to destroy every last bit of Christmas cheer we have left.
Spoiler alert: Joe McScrooge is an atheist.
As much as I hatelove the Today Show's excerpt, Sarah Palin is even wronger than usual with this War On Christmas nonsense. Anyone that's walked into a CVS or turned on a TV since Halloween knows that the real holiday-related war isn't on Christmas; it's a war on November. And Christmas is the aggressor. Christmas is why K Mart employees aren't allowed to request Thanksgiving off this year. Christmas is why by the time December rolls around, I already want to build a time machine, go back in time, and punch Bing Crosby in the neck because I'm sick of hearing him crooning all over the place. Christmas is meant to be a holiday season that lasts a little more than a month, not one that facefucks you with tinsel for two months starting every November first. Christmas needs to chill the fuck out and wait its goddamn turn. I've got Thanksgiving recipes to Pinterest and I still have to figure out How to Hanukkah, since this year I'll be spinning the menorah or lighting the dreidel or WHATEVER IT IS THAT PEOPLE DO for the first time in my life. I don't have time for Christmas deals until at least November 25th.
I do, however, have time to request a review copy of this book from the publisher. Nothing says "holiday cheer" like a good hateread.