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Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. That bish is living but this rihport is about Rowling.  

Rowling, August 1—In our amputated and rather tumultuous national conversation, in the parlance of our times (Twitter), a bestselling British author was compelled to apologize to a Whoopee cushion in a wig BECAUSE SHE ACCUSED HIM OF CURVING A CHILD, Y’ALL!

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Yes, my g! Our literary QUEEN and typewriting doyenne of all that is good and holy in Hogwarts had to tell the world that she tweeted about a small boy and someone named Voldemort Trump (who was born with a mark on him but instead of a wizard W it’s something like this in his chestal area) without fact checking, which is fine because SHE WRITES FICTIONNNNN!!!!!!!!!

YASS MY QUEEN! THE Lordress of Light, slayer of Dumbledore, Mother Goddess of not giving a FUCK how a fart smells, will take you to Orlando and show you a far finer kingdom than Mar-a-lago can even DREAM of! JK Rowling is not having it and she will be a female role model while doing it!! Hermione... more like herFLYone!!!

SHE LIVES IN A CASTLE, MY SUBJECTS!!!

That is why even as this evil Snakeman and his wizard-defying lemmings attempted to drag her DOWN, she was like

And also

YOU GUESSED IT: she celebrated her dang BIRTHDAY with fellow birthday queen and creator of my favorite new rom-com JESSICA WILLIAMS, PEOPLE! Bow down to their gloriosity, these two women did it just like our lord and savior, the queen of the universe ROBYN Rihanna FENTY: IN TIARAS!!!!

STUNT like it’s the season finale of The Daily Show, like it’s prom time at Hogwarts, like that redheaded kid(s???) and Emma Watson are going around the subway hiding periodicals with dirty pictures in them, like Jessica James scammed a flight to London (home of Hogwarts), like RIHANNA ON A UNICORN ON A TREADMILL ON A FLATBED TRUCK DRIVEN BY DANIEL RADCLIFFE INTO THE MET GALA SCREAMING “ZIPPO!!!!!! HOGSMEADE, MUHFUCKA!”

This has been the Rowling Rihport.