Robber Soaks Clerk, Helpless Customers With Weaponized Breast Milk

Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: A “robust” German woman walks into a supermarket, asks for a breast pump and then proceeds to soak not one, but two cashiers with her own breast milk. No? There’s more. She’s still on the loose.

There is literally no way that I can do this story any more justice than The Local, which reported the horrific crime that occurred in a pharmacy Darmstadt, Hesse (literally the best town in Germany according to this woman I worked with at the telemarketing office who had a black boyfriend because she wasn’t racist and once told me I would never find love if I kept getting fat) (But none of that is relevant), so here’s their writeup:

The mother entered the store at 4.25pm and asked to buy a breast pump, police reported.

But after handing over a €200-note to pay for her €20 purchase, she suddenly uncovered one breast and used her fingers to squirt milk from it at the pharmacist.

She then rummaged through the counter display and went to a second cash register.

Ignoring the pleas of staff and customers to cover herself up, she again rooted through the counter displays and unleashed a fresh spray of milk.

First of all: Points for originality of execution. This woman took her situation and used it to her advantage. And, of course, points for keeping everyone safe by using weaponized breast milk (not carrying the bubonic plague) as opposed to a weaponized weapon. Crime is awful, but at least she’s got a flair!

Second of all: How fucked up is this whole situation? First the spraying, then the stealing, then the begging of the helpless victims, followed by another fresh spray of milk because this woman knew no shame! She just walked straight up to the second cash register and sprayed a circle around herself (I assume because I have been in a similar situation*) before rooting around.

Third of all: Here’s how this woman is described. It is literally something right out of some kind of fantasy comedy or that one Disney movie with Amy Adams as a dethroned princess who’s being chased by Idina Menzel’s cheekbones and Susan Sarandon’s hair.

Police believe the woman, who they described as having a “robust” figure, long dark hair tied into a ponytail and speaking an unknown language, stole the cash while customers and staff were distracted by her antics.

Officers described the woman’s antics as “almost unbelievable”.

Almost unbelievable. What exactly won’t Germans believe at this point? If a milk-spraying foreigner from another dimension is only “almost unbelievable” then I am at a loss as to what could really impress the average German citizen doing their shopping on a Tuesday. (Sad.)

*One time my partner and I did Black Friday in Ceres, Ca and a woman at the Kmart spilled an entire ring of coffee around herself so that no one could get to the ornaments she wanted. These happened to be the same ornaments my partner wanted and seeing how she was a vile person and I didn’t have any time for that, I ignored her when she realized that she was too short to actually grab them and took them myself. (I don’t remember if these were the ornaments my partner wanted. I just wanted vengeance. Don’t step to me on Black Friday.)