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Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been dogged by a story from 1983 that continues to hound him to this day: while on a family vacation to Canada, Mittens strapped the family dog to the roof of the car in a container and drove off. For 12 hours. The dog shat himself in fear en route, all over the car. The Romneys have reported that their Irish Setter lived to a "ripe old age" after the incident, but now it seems that the pup may have run away once the family got to Canada. More »
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A jiggling menace is stalking the delicate sensibilities of attendees at the Conservative Political Action Conference: women who dress like two-bit whores are skanking up the joint. And if they're not dressed like slutburgers with extra sleaze, they're buttoned up, nunnish frumps. According to one conservative and appalled blogger, right wing ladies better do something— or risk dooming themselves to lives of STD's and loneliness. More »
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Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are now in a dead heat, according to a new national poll. This means that a growing number of conservative Americans are convinced that Rick Santorum— a guy with views so regressive and puritanical that his name that has become slang for "ass discharge" in progressive circles— would be a viable national Presidential candidate. The GOP primary has officially gotten hilarious. More »
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Great news, people with weak stomachs! With Rick Santorum surging and frothing all over the polls and Americans wasting unprecedented amounts of brain energy to wipe the internet definition of "Santorum" from their brains, a new immature yet awesome poop-related neologism has been made out of the name of a Republican candidate. More »
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Big news from Washington today. A lady married to a Republican spends a crapload of money on extremely boring clothes. Which potential First Lady is it? More »
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If you weren't yet sure whether Republicans had gone totally insane when it comes to issues of women's health and issues of supporting life in general, this ought to convince you: A Daily Kos-Public Policy Polling survey found that 51 percent of conservatives have an unfavorable opinion of Planned Parenthood's breast cancer screenings. Well, isn't that just great? Yeah, screw those people with cancer—they're probably only there to get abortions anyway. Terrific attitude. Anyway, there's the 25 percent who are "not sure" what their opinion is, and finally, rest assured, 25 percent of conservatives still have a favorable opinion of Planned Parenthood offering screenings. Nice to know a quarter of those on the Right are still sane enough to recognize that cancer screenings are good, no matter where they come from. More »
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Rick Santorum came out on top in Minnesota, Missouri, and Colorado's primary contests last night. If you ask Rick Santorum, this means that it's time to start carving out a Rick Santorum-shaped ass groove in the Oval Office's desk chair. But if you ask anyone who isn't Rick Santorum or a cable news analyst, this resulted in zero delegates and means nothing. So, is Rick Santorum's new surge hilarious? Or is it terrifying? Or do we need an entirely new word to describe it? Hillarifying? More »
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Oh, good. Just what the world of women's health needed: Presidential candidate and cyborg Mittens Romney has inserted his large, square head into the middle of the Planned Parenthood/Susan G.Komen debate. And, of course, he thinks Komen did the right thing. More »
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Former Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has been busy since dropping out of the race after a disappointing finish in Iowa's caucuses. She's running for reelection to her Minnesota congressional seat, she's firing her staff members, and most of all, she's letting America know that they blew it big time when they didn't give her the GOP nomination, as she was the perfect candidate. We can't miss you if you don't ever go away, Michele. More »
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Sweatervest militia extremist Rick Santorum has a message for America: Susan G. Komen for the Cure should not be providing any sort of support to Planned Parenthood, because abortion causes breast cancer. Good grief. Does he also think that eating orange M&M's will kick his tits up a cup size? Or that stepping on a crack will break his mother's back? Please, please, please shut up, Rick Santorum. More »
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A Republican Congressman from Louisiana has become the laughingstock of the internet after posting a story from The Onion to his Facebook wall and then commenting on the sad, sad, evil state of the world. Congressmen: just like us! Or, rather, just like our elderly conservative great uncles who think that an "Abortionplex" is a real thing. More »
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Mitt Romney decisively defeated Newt Gingrich in yesterday's Florida primary. What happened to Gingrich, who just a week ago was the GOP's golden man-boy, poised to issue a real challenge to Romney's assumed candidacy? Well, women happened. More »
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Republicans these days spew so much crazy talk that it's sometimes hard to tell what to get upset about and what to simply dismiss as an empty threat. But one conservative who has a pretty solid record of doing exactly what he says he's going to do is Grover Norquist. Nominally, he's a tax activist (he's the president of Americans for Tax Reform), but really he is the evil puppeteer who pulls the strings that control most Republican politicians with one hand while probably stabbing a President Obama voodoo doll with the other. More »
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Hateful Muppet Rick Santorum told a crowd of slack jawed Floridians that the Obama administration is against abstinence-only education because the President wants America to be poor. Not only is the idea that comprehensive sex ed is the path to poverty 17 shades of incorrect, it points out a disturbing truth: Rick Santorum literally cannot stop imagining everyone fucking. More »
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Magniloquent human fart Newt Gingrich has risen like hot air to the top of the polls in the race for the Republican Presidential nomination. People who get paid to talk about politics on the teevee say that this is due to his debate performances. But now, Newt says that unless the audience is allowed to cheer after all the fire he spits, he's going to refuse to show up for debates, take his ball, and go home. You show 'em, Newt. More »
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Sarah Palin, Mean Queen of the Snow Machine, has a bone to pick with New Jersey's condescending prick of a governor Chris Christie. Namely, Christie called GOP hopeful Newt Gingrich an "embarrassment" to the Republican Party's principles on a weekend talk show, and that bothered Palin so much that she felt compelled to talk to it on Fox News. Palin? Gingrich? Christie? Fox News? Team nobody! More »
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Monday marks the first full day of the 40th year of Roe v. Wade, but the 53rd year, 8th month, and 14th day that Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has existed on this planet without a uterus of his very own. With a public empathetic to poor Rick's plight, advanced medical science, and your generosity, we will turn the tide for Rick and give him the uterus he so desperately wants. More »
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In case you've ever been confused about how starkly different Democratic and Republican rhetoric can be over the issue of a woman's right to make decisions about what happens to her own body, this is what President Obama said earlier today to commemorate the anniversary of Roe v. Wade: More »
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After vigorously denying allegations by his second wife Marianne that he requested an open marriage, Newt Gingrich's campaign has been ballooning faster than a marshmallow left untended in the microwave.  If his popularity continues to rise at this rate, the Republican primary could explode in a gooey white mess 217 days premature of its national convention in bukkake-fest (take Google's word for it) host city Tampa Bay.  While most members hiding in the still rational enclaves of the GOP might see Gingrich's recent rally as a sign of party instability and his marital drama as evidence of his idiosyncrasies, at least one commenter sees Gingrich's three marriages as proof that the man is so damn charismatic that what Republicans should really be worried about is not his electability but whether America would be able to resist a third term in Gingrich's inevitable presidency. More »
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Political celebutante Meghan McCain is still around, serving as the Official Poster Child for Young Republicans and trying to paint herself as a cool conservative who isn't into all that icky hateful stuff young people find abhorrent. But as hard as she tries to sit at the cool kids' table, her act still comes across less like a fresh take on issues of the day and more like a substanceless ad campaign; at best, an attempt to establish a brand rather than offer any valuable commentary or insight, at worst, deliberately misleading Republican party marketing. Whatever you're selling, McCain, I ain't buying. More »
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After recounting the votes in the Iowa caucuses, a bombshell from The Hawkeye State: the winner of the first contest of the primary season wasn't actually Mitt Romney, but Pennsylvania shitstain Rick Santorum. And thanks to the pervasive neologism of Santorum's name, every single headline about it is disgusting. More »
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At Monday's 352nd Republican presidential debate, the remaining candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination tackled the tough issues, like whether or not felons should be allowed to vote and what in the sam hill is going on with black people being poor all the time. As they veered between treating moderator Juan Williams like he was an acceptable substitute for the ire they'd like to direct at President Obama and talking like a civics paper written by a drunk guy who only watches Fox News, I started thinking: For being a bunch of rich white folk, Republican politicians sure do say a lot of shit about black people. More »
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In Monday's Republican Presidential debate, Newt Gingrich doubled down on his fabulous idea that the best way to wean families off of government assistance is to let poor kids work as janitors. At a recent town hall meeting, a Republican Senator suggested that letting kids handle pesticides and operate farm equipment just might be the key to solving the country's obesity epidemic. What's with this mini-trend of Republican politicians publicly pushing for kids to get jobs? More »
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Rick Santorum's wife Karen has long been an ardent ally of her husband's political career. She's given birth to seven children and home schooled the lot of them so he could go off and do his politicking. She's written about how important it is to be pro life, even in the case of rape and incest. But did you know that for most of her twenties, her live-in boyfriend was an abortion provider? And that he had helped deliver her when she was born? Who knew that it would be Rick Santorum, of all the political candidates, whose life's arc most resembled that of a Latin American telenovela? More »
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Newt Gingrich is still running for President, which means he's still kind of trying to ruin your life, which means it's still okay to make fun of him and his general weird history with women. Come one, come all, into the mirrored bedroom of Newt Gingrich, and his wife, Callista, who brushes his hair. If you dare. More »
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Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman has announced that he's ending his Presidential bid. Good. Now the race can get 100% wacky. More »
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The campaign in South Carolina is heating up, says everyone. That's apparently code for "the candidates are gathered in the roughly same geographic area, and they're emitting high pitched shrieks at each other." Yesterday, they were shrieking about Bain Capital. Today, they're still hollering about Bain, but they're also yelling about fetuses— specifically, which Republican Presidential hopeful deserves the title of Fetus's #1 fan. Let the anti-abortion rights pissing contest begin. More »
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In an allegation that should surprise no one, a new book claims that Republican Presidential frontrunner and all-around puzzling dude Mitt Romney once told a woman that she'd be barred from heaven forever unless she gave her baby up for adoption. More »
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Every week, it seems we learn something new and weird about Mitt Romney. He's got lingering beef with Eliza Dushku's mom. He's got like 27 houses. His sons are unsettlingly hot, in a steaming white bread out of the oven kind of way. He's protested against the protesters of the Vietnam War when he was in college. And now, we've learned that his hands are as soft as the finest imported fabrics, and that one of his hobbies includes firing people and being totally fine with gays and abortion. Who knew a guy who looks so boring could be so full of oddly unsettling surprises? More »
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An embarrassing Republican has issued a textbook non-apology weeks after forwarding an email that called First Lady Michelle Obama "Mrs. YoMamma" and implied that she and the Grinch were twins separated at birth. He's sorry people got mad. He didn't mean to offend anyone. But can we all agree that the President and First lady are black? I mean, what's up with that?! More »
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Let's get down to brass tacks: Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, Personhood Pledge-signing, Griswold vs. Connecticut-opposing, Mr. Ban Abortion in All Circumstances With No Exception for the Life of the Mother, believes that the actions of his own wife should be treated as criminal. Why? Because, back in 1996, his wife had a procedure that resulted in the deliberate death of her fetus, even though it was a matter of saving her own life. More »
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Freelance political soundbyte-for-hire Sarah Palin appeared on Fox News yesterday to provide some expert analysis on the Iowa caucuses, and also to dazzle the viewing audience with her new, wavy hair. More »
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During an TV interview this morning, Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann bristled when asked to provide insight into what, exactly, she meant when she said in a speech that gays were "sad" sufferers of "sexual dysfunction" and "a part of Satan," calling the question irrelevant gotcha journalism and refusing to add or subtract from her whackadoodle proclamation. More »
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Pennsylvanian political discharge Rick Santorum is having a great week. He's suddenly, grotesquely surging in Iowa, Rupert Murdoch and his steampunk propaganda machine Fox News have endorsed him, and people are finally showing up at his rallies. He'd like to take this opportunity to remind you, now that you're listening, that if elected, he'll promote freedom by making sure states have the right to control your body. More »
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Watch out, kissing babies and candidates saying how madly in love they are with the troops— this election cycle, there's a new bit of daily drudgery in town— relentless trolling of candidates by non-supporters whose totally surprise questions for the candidates are captured on video. While many stunts have already been pulled, there's so much more time left before the election, it'd be a shame if any American were excluded from the political troll game. So, to honor the day of the Iowa Caucuses, here's your guide to creating your own "Oh no they didn't" Everyman Confronts Pol Youtube hit, segregated, for your convenience, by Republican Presidential candidate. More »
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No modern American political campaign would be complete without the candidates insisting, repeatedly, that they come from Very Humble Backgrounds, and no one likes insisting that they used to be poor more than Republican politicians. Here's a video montage of the 2012 GOP Presidential hopefuls' ongoing war of economic one downsmanship, complete with a sad, sad violin soundtrack. More »
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As anyone prone to reading interior design blogs knows, the home environment is a direct reflection on the quality and worthiness of its occupants' eternal souls and the determinate of whether or not they deserve love. Thus, it makes sense that we not only roundly critique the living quarters of our potential GOP Presidential nominees, we also make suggestions for how to make their homes more fitting for their public image. More »
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Yesterday was especially unkind to Michele Bachmann. First, news broke that her Iowa campaign director, Kent Sorenson, had defected to Camp Ron Paul. Then, she lost another top staff member, her political director Wes Enos, who resigned after he had the nerve to publicly defend Sorenson against charges that he'd illegally accepted money from Ron Paul's campaign. More »
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