Real World: Ex-Plosion Will Be a Circus of Misery

Reality TV continues on as a medium, never wavering from its dogged path towards becoming a sadistic ritual orchestrated by cruel and ruthless overlords for the enjoyment of the masses. Hooray! What’s next? Well, apparently The Real World (which is miraculously, impossibly STILL ON) will undergo a format shake-up to allow for Maximum Sadness and Drama.

The new version of the show is called Real World: Ex-Plosion. In this series, seven young, attractive and diverse humans will move into a house in San Francisco. There will be a hot tub in which the drama can be brought to a gentle simmer. There will be beers. The cast will form friendships and relationships and some cast members will maybe have sex in a bathroom stall while a camera crew observes. Then, after a month, they will be whisked away on a day-long trip. When they return, they will find that **drumroll** **thunder in the distance** **Ryan Seacrest wailing triumphantly** … all of their exes have moved in as well.

Everyone in the house will then be shipped off to a labyrinth on Crete and sacrificed to a ravenous beast in order to appease an immemorial blood-feud. (Ha ha, just kidding; that’s next season!)

According to Entertainment Weekly, the producers were careful to cast “singles who had particularly interesting relationships with their exes — there’s the person who’s really close with the ex, the one that’s always getting texts from his ex, etc.” Texts, you say! As in SMS messages sent from one person to another! Fascinating! Only five out of seven exes signed on (WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOULD YOU AGREE TO THIS), so the ex-plosion will be sadly incomplete.

Whatever, though — I can’t wait to shame-watch this entire series in one sitting and then fall asleep in fetal position, cradling an bottle of Smirnoff Ice filled with tears.