a) Sarah McLachlan dog commercial.

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b) Realization that Anthony Weiner isn’t the only one.

c) I was emotional about having a baby with Kanye while I was still married to Kris.


a) Can’t remember the last time I was carded at a bar.

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b) The crushing futility of life.

c) My family was picking on me during a family trip.


a) Automated customer service.

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b) Calculated how many “good summers” I have left.

c) I just found out I would be nude in a magazine where I was told I would be covered.


a) “Your address is outside this restaurant’s delivery radius”

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b) Broken bone.

c) I lost one of my diamond earrings in the ocean.


a) Ennui.

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b) Pet insurance.

c) I got scared right before ziplining.

For answers, please Venmo me whatever you can afford, using the Kimoji crying face in the description box. Or go here.