a) Sarah McLachlan dog commercial.


b) Realization that Anthony Weiner isn’t the only one.

c) I was emotional about having a baby with Kanye while I was still married to Kris.

a) Can’t remember the last time I was carded at a bar.


b) The crushing futility of life.

c) My family was picking on me during a family trip.

a) Automated customer service.



b) Calculated how many “good summers” I have left.

c) I just found out I would be nude in a magazine where I was told I would be covered.

a) “Your address is outside this restaurant’s delivery radius”


b) Broken bone.

c) I lost one of my diamond earrings in the ocean.

a) Ennui.



b) Pet insurance.

c) I got scared right before ziplining.

For answers, please Venmo me whatever you can afford, using the Kimoji crying face in the description box. Or go here.