The New York Times’ Vows section is a great place to read painfully dull love stories about couples with higher net worths than you. They tend to be about people who are so blinded by love of their love that they share every part of it—from the paint-by-numbers first date to the outfit she wore when he proposed—as if to say, almost threateningly, “Tell us this is the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard.”

Yesterday, they shared the story of Andrew Gregory (one of the Gregory Brothers - remember the Kimmy Schmidt theme song?) and Casey McIntyre, two young Brooklynites who, after meeting in a Starbucks in TriBeCa, found love, lost it, and found it once more. It’s cute in the predictable way all love stories between people who seem generally decent are cute; they met, they fell in love with each other’s idiosyncrasies, one of them proposed, and now they’re happier than they’ve ever been. Great.

Advertisement

But, like all good Vows stories, this one is filled with stray details that make you wonder why on earth you’re spending time reading hundreds of words about the alleged love between two strangers.

There’s the part about free-spirited, well-traveled women being painful hippies who are bad for earnest men:

She was different from the women he had previously dated, according to his friend Gabriel Rogers. When he and Mr. Gregory were students at Swarthmore College, studying religions, he said, his pal had been drawn to “free-spirited, globe-trotting girls, who ended up being painful to his earnest heart.” He added that Ms. McIntyre “cured him of his hippie predilection.”

The part about developing acid reflux after their breakup:

Meanwhile, Mr. Gregory was eating so much chocolate ice cream that he had to go to the doctor to be treated for acid reflux.

The part about learning valuable life lessons while living in a Buddhist monastery in the south of France:

“Mindfulness is really helpful in your creative work,” said Mr. Gregory, who deepened his studies when he took a semester off from college and went to a retreat at Plum Village, a Buddhist monastery in the south of France.

The part about moving on with a little help from Etsy:

Ms. McIntyre was moving on, and in June 2013 took a solo apartment in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, which she decorated with art from Etsy and antique pieces she painted in Candy Land colors.

The part about winning the love of your life back by clicking a whole bunch of little stars:

After six months or so, Mr. Gregory made his big move: randomly “favoriting” her tweets.

Maybe I’m being a little cynical. Maybe Gregory and McIntyre are just quirky, fun newlyweds who want the world to know how happy they are! But, if anyone cares, I have a few suggestions for ways to improve future Vows stories:

  • Make them about old people.
  • Don’t include the phrases “Southern gentleman” or “free-spirited.”
  • Make them largely untrue rumors about celebrities filled with quotes from insiders.
  • Don’t write about one of them visiting a Buddhist monastery in the south of France.
  • Include at least one nanny.

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Image via Universal Pictures.