Pope Francis Says: Have Babies, Not Furbabies

Francis has a rep as the Chillest Pope, but he’s not lightening up when it comes to the command to go forth and multiply. The CEO of the Catholic Church does not approve of the childfree lifestyle, and he insists you should raise kids, not pets.

Is somebody a little cranky he can’t have 12 cats, lest they knock over some priceless Roman statuary?

The Guardian reports that yesterday, Pope Francis held a special mass for long-married couples. In the homily, he emphasized the vital importance of fertility to marriage (along with faithfulness and sheer perseverance, which sounds like the real secret sauce). But these days, some people prefer financial stability and the unconditional love of their pets:

“This culture of wellbeing … convinced us it’s better not to have children. It’s better! That way you can see the world, go on holidays; you can have a house in the country and be carefree,” he said.

“Maybe it is better, more convenient, to have a little dog, two cats; and the love goes to the two cats and the little dog.”

Hell, I want kids and he’s painted a very appealing picture here.

But that’s wrong, ALL WRONG, because eventually you’ll be old and sad: “Eventually this marriage gets to old age in solitude, with the bitterness of loneliness. It is not fertile; it does not do what Jesus does with his church: he makes it fertile.” Which is why no one has ever sat in a nursing home and complained about their wretched, ungrateful children. (When your cats are wretched and ungrateful, it’s cute.)

Apparently a lifetime in the church has left Pope Francis immune to the irony of a celibate man issuing such instructions to married couples. That shit is work, and it is not for everybody, and a sense of obligation is likely one of the worst reasons to reproduce.

Then again, the Pope probably doesn’t spend much time stuck in grocery store lines behind tantrum-throwing toddlers.