Kendall Jenner is on the cover of the March issue of Allure magazine. Inside the magazine, she purports to have a close personal relationship with a monkey. Not just any monkey, though: it's Marcel, Ross's monkey. Oh HELL no.

You remember Ross, of course: brilliant paleontologist, lovable boyfriend, great friend, fantastic brother, perfect son.

Dream man.

You may know Kendall Jenner: model, sidepiece of Lord Disick, hangs out with Gigi Hadid, sibling of KKK, daughter of a man going through a hard time right now.

Person.

Look here, at Kendall and Marcel vs. Ross and Marcel. While Kendall barely glances at Marcel, Ross stares plaintively, love flowing out of his every orifice.

Or here. Yes, Kendall is smiling broadly, and Marcel looks pleased, but he is clearly a mere accessory to her. By contrast, the tenderness with which Ross feeds Marcel shows that their bond is real and true.

This shot is perhaps the most upsetting of them all. Marcel is clearly crying out for help, his eyes beginning to tear, as Kendall makes it obvious that she is interested in another (the camera; this hot mannequin to her right). Ross, on the other hand, stands proud, ready and willing to announce to the world that he and Marcel are forever and always together.

Here is a woman who cares not for Marcel.

And here is a man who knows what he has and feels lucky because of it.

I think we know which relationship is real and which is not.

Images via Allure and Warner Bros.