Pillhead, Jezebel's resident pharmaceutical expert, has been wanting to review the wonder drug Provigil for some time now. It makes you smart! And happy! And thin! But it's not yet generic. And...it didn't really seem to be working for Britney Spears. In fact, it could have gotten her pregnant. After the jump, a very special "Pillhead."

The pharmaceutical industry works like the women's magazine industry: attractive people telling you what's wrong with you and how they can fix it in a super underminer-y way so as to send you shame-spiraling toward a lifelong cycle of dependence. Okay, so: Ambien. Why ever would we need it? We consulted Pillhead, who said: "You only think you don't need them because you drink yourself to sleep every night." But only because of the Adderall! "And why do you think my doctor wrote both prescriptions at the same time?" she replied. "Because he's a pawn of the pharmaceutical industry's conspiracy to invent new First World diseases because there's no money in curing the old Third World ones!" we responded, reflexively. And then we felt a sharp pang in our liver. (Whoever said you can't feel your liver wasn't an alcoholic.) After the jump, Pillhead finds eternal love with Ambien after a brief dalliance with Lunesta leaves a bad taste in her mouth.

Dear readers, I'm sober right now. It's a strange feeling because it's one a.m. I mean, I'm tired but not quite ready to pass out, I am not really thinking up any good jokes. I still don't really feel like washing my face or brushing my teeth, which I kind of expected to be easy, given the little skirmish the amphetamines and nicotine are waging against my gums. You know, now that I think about it, I am going to brush my teeth. It's not so bad once you stand up. And look! I just stood up without getting the spins. How did this happen? I took two Campral moderation pills this evening. You're supposed to take six a day, but they're expensive and I like my moderation in moderation. Which is why, um, I have taken approximately eight Campral pills since picking up my prescription on May 11. (If anyone wants to buy/trade for Adderall... um take your illegal activity elsewhere!) Because, you see, they sort of work for me. Which I take from their shitty reputation among real alcoholics to mean I am not actually a real alcoholic, just someone who needs to take a break once in awhile. Like Lindsay! To whom I am dedicating this post.

The pharmaceutical industry is sort of like women's magazines: Staffed by blandly attractive people determined to make you feel bad about yourself, and brimming with new ways to kill your libido. But wait! Pillhead may have found the elusive pink Viagra! In her second installment, Jezebel's resident pharmaceutical expert takes a break from the body obsession to have sex like RIGHT NOW. The crucial ingredient? Amphetamine salts... better known as Adderall. There are all sorts of reasons to take Adderall, from its appetite curbage (its original marketed use, when it was called Obetrol and Andy Warhol used to pop them like, well like we pop Adderall today!) to the whole "serenity" thing, to the fact that it turns some people into geniuses (though not so much others). But enough already, let's get down to business! And you know what we mean by business.

The pharmaceutical industry is sort of like women's magazines: staffed by blandly attractive people, determined to make you feel bad about yourself, and brimming with new ways to stop you from being fat! Unlike women's magazines, however, Big Pharma has come up with a few weight loss ideas that actually work, which is why have learned to sit back in consent as it decimates the American health care system. With that in mind, welcome to our first installment of 'Pillhead', in which a real connoisseur reports on this exciting field and tries not to crap her pants in the process.