Pervert Birds Steal Swimmers' Underwear to Build Nest Of Filth and Sin

If you ever thought that birds could be trusted, you need to think again. While it’s long been known that birds are brazen perverts who will line their nests with any number of sexual objects, some Scottish birds have gone far too far—they’ve stolen the underwear from some innocent skinny-dippers just trying to fulfill their love of nature.

According to the New York Daily News, several of these nature-lovers were dismayed when they returned from a refreshing nude dip in Angus, Scotland, only to be greeted by the disappearance of their socks and panties. The NYDN reports that the swimmers thought the clothes might have been removed by perverts at first (correct), but the local wildlife authorities who solved the mystery of the missing panties found the truth to be a little more sinister.

A pair of navy panties and some socks had been incorporated into the birds’ home, alongside twigs, leaves and mud.

“Our trainee gamekeeper discovered the nest and we rang the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Birds) to have them ringed and tagged,” Dave Clement, head keeper at the Gannochy Estate, told The Courier.

The birds—identified as kites—are alleged to have been cleaning the area by incorporating the items of clothing into their nest. Likely story. Fortunately for the public, the monsters responsible have been found and tagged and will continue to be monitored. Researchers have not explored the possibility that the winged nightmares might have stolen the underwear for their own nefarious gain and might have been charging other birds to look at and touch it.